March of 1992;
it seemed so long ago
A time when life changed for me
I wasn't old enough to know ~
When I was young and innocent
and didn't realise
That night I opened up my door
I saw it in his eyes.

Although he was a friend of mine
I was too blind to see
That he had come to bestow
his undying love for me ~
He smiled at me as he came in
I did not understand
The look of love in his eyes
as he gently took my hand.

I felt his hand upon my face
and looked into his eyes
The memory of his gentle touch
as I began to realise ~
Standing there I said to him
it cannot be this way
I cannot be unfaithful,
as I began to walk away.

He grabbed my arm and looked at me
as I closed my eyes
And said the love he felt for me
he could no longer deny ~
But I told him that it could not be
our chance had been and gone
The times we fought, the times we cried
just like a sad love song.

Then he took me in his arms
and pressed his lips to mine
And memories came flooding back
of much happier times ~
I said please stop, it cannot be
as I closed me eyes
And drifted into a blackness
screaming silent cries.

Fragmented pieces on the floor
of my lounge room, I could see
A distant image of the one
who lay in front of me ~
My dress hitched up to my waist
his jeans on the floor
As he carried me into my room
to show his love once more.

Tears fell softly down my cheeks
as I saw him laying there
Knowing how he felt for me
I thought I was prepared ~
The knowledge of what I had done
I'd played a dangerous game
And suffered the huge consequences
of which I was to blame.

I did not consent, I couldn't fight
though he thought that he could see
The night he shared in my bed
bestowing his love on me ~
Lost in the passion of his love
he did not even know
That all the time he was making love
my heart was saying no.

And so the guilt of what happened
began to destroy me
I wanted to get back at him
for taking advantage of me ~
I had thought we were friends
and now I felt betrayed
While the memories became clouded
and confusion was in the way.

Now the years have gone by
and I have grown to see
That all the time I hated him
I was just angry at me ~
For I had should have known better
it wasn't fair of me
To lay all the blame at his feet
just because he still cared for me.

So I paid the price for letting him
play the dangerous game
And now I see back over the years
that we were both to blame ~
He should not have come to me
and I should have let him know
That I couldn't play this game with him;
I should have screamed "NO!"

Now as time has passed by
I have forgiven him
And I pray that he too can find
it in his heart within;
To forgive me for my part
that I had hurt him so
That I may forgive myself too
and finally let him go.

©  Christina
21st January, 2002
 

"This poem is written in reflection of a most difficult time, when I was raped by my ex-boyfriend, who was a friend.   I had many memories that were repressed, some until recently, and some I still don't remember.   But what I did come to realise was that I had played a dangerous game with my ex who I knew still had feelings for me, and it was probably this that resulted in what happened.  I was young and naive, and so was he....and though I didn't consent, I had still played with his feelings.   And he had forced his intentions on me, not violently....but it wasn't what I wanted all the same.  We were both wrong.  And upon reflecting and working through my feelings and memories, I have forgiven him (something I thought I would never do), and now have to work on forgiving myself.  Because it is me that I now blame for what happened ~ I should have known better.  As the saying goes, "You play with fire, you'll sure get burnt!" and I played with fire.....and I got burnt."