.SI.Quotes.III.from.&.inspired.A.Bright.Red.Scream.by.Marilee.Strong.
Sometimes it feels like I'm watching my body more without controling it. Other times I wake up with this razor in my hand and blood dripping everywhere. I'm so scared then. I never know what I'm going to do. I cut so much worse when I'm not aware of what I'm doing.
I really do feel dead - disconnected from myself. I hate my body. It's fat, ugly, dirty. I feel like I'm the only person in the world who doesn't exist. I'm like a walking corpse.
Often cutters have multiple addictions, each waxing and waning over times as one behavior comes to the fore as the primary means of coping.
She's learning to cope with feelings by naming them. "Angry, sad," she says, then stops, seemingly at a loss to continue. Perhaps they are the only feelings she knows.
               Small Soldier

She lives in a world
   of continual and unpredictable danger
      and may, with good reason,
         fear for her life.
Yet she has no gun to protect her,
   no squad to back her up,
      no training for her combat role.
She is completely alone,
   completely powerless,
      completely at the mercy
         of her parents' will.
She cannot fight back,
   cannot escape.
She is trapped.
Her experience may actually be more akin to that of a prisoner of war.
   Her captors are her own parents,
      the people who are supposed
         to love and nurture her,
            teach her right from wrong,
               and protect her
                  from harm.
"An unacknowledged trauma is like a wound that never heals over and may start to bleed again at any time." - Alice Miller
The body is, indeed, the temple of the soul. Cutters are living proof that when the body is ravaged, that soul cries out. And when the soul is trampled on, the body bleeds.
...just my breath, carrying my words out, might poison people and they'd curl up and die.
They are not reconized as beings in their own right...So they shut down their own emotions, needs, and desires. They bury their feelings so deeply that to even imagine letting them out feels completely overwhelming, as if they would drown in their own tears or erupt in anger so savage they would kill.
They take comfort in knowing that no one can hurt them as much as they can hurt themselves.
.Quotes.from.other.various.places.
...I'll go though my daily routine. I get up - and real calmly - I'll take my shower, I'll get ready - but I'm not really there...I'm just going through the motions, but in the back of my mind I know; I'm almost planning it out: what I'm going to do, when I'm going to do it.
...I look at myself [in the mirror], and I hate myself. I'll tell myself, "You're so worthless" because I'm building up to cutting.
I take the razor blade..I'll take it and I'll press it in as deep as I can into the skin, and I'lll just go all across my arm. It will start bleeding right away, and I'll just whipe away the blood. Then I'll start again, and this time I'll go deeper. I don't feel pain, but I feel a release. It's like something breaks away. I take a deep breath, sit there, and hold my arm up and let the blood run down - I want to see that. It's like I'm bleeding it all out of me. But it's not enough. I still need to do it again. So I'll keep doing it over and over until - until I feel empty; and numb.
When I'm cutting, I always end up smiling. I feel an inner relief: something is breaking away from my soul, something that I didn't want to be there is being taken out through the cutting. And when I'm done, it's not there anymore; or at least a big chunk is gone.
I don't know if I physically smile, but inside I'm smiling.
When I cut, I watch my arm - never my face. And one night I looked at my face in the mirror, and I didn't reconize it (that happens alot). It was totally blank. I was feeling all these things inside, but it as coming out through my arm...It was like I was staring at a stranger.
You know, this may be self-destructive, but it's not suicidal and it's not going to kill me. But if I don't deal with that I'm feeling, I swear I'll do something drastic. That's how I feel. So I'll cut, and then it's gone. It makes sense to me.
And no matter how deep I go, or how large the cut is, it never hurts. I just feel that something locked inside of me is coming out through the cutting, and it frees me from it, even though it's only temporary.
And right now, where I'm at; I would keep cutting and letting it out little by little rather than go through all the pain and peel all of the suffering all over again to get past it.
Welcome this pain, for someday it will be useful to you.
I do not know why young girls die, you would think it would break the heart of God.
The young boy scawled a note and pinned it to his shirt. Then he walked to the far side of the family Christmas tree and hung himslef from a cieling beam. The note was short - Merry Christmas - and his parents never forgot or understood.
Sometimes we go dark and sink into the bitter well of our heart.
During periods of cutting it feels usafe for her to let her feelings out, as though they were uncontrolable animals too dangerous to release. Her emotions then bury themselves and she feels nothing.
I don't need therapy; this is my therapy.
Cutting is the one thing that doesn't hurt.
After I cut I usually want to go to sleep - no matter what time of day it is. I feel so relieved and relaxed that I just pull down my sleeves and go lie down. It's almost like a relaxation that comes; like if you were very tense and all of a sudden your body relaxed and it kind of exhales.
The last time I cut myself badly, I felt that other people weren't hearing me. And I felt anxious about my situation and that people didn't realize how bad it was for me. So, I cut my arm and then my first responce was that I was scared. But as time went on I felt sort of a sense of relief that I'd done it and people would see.
Hosted by www.Geocities.ws

1