"Thank God I have this ugly fat body for which to focus on and hate and spend all my time trying to fix, change, lessen. Thank God for exercise machines, and diet pills. Thank God for weightloss. Thank God I can try and fix the outside because I just know that the inside is beyond repair."
"I am your butter and your bread. The voice that's in your head. I'll take you in and fill you up with a lack of being fed"
I think there will always be nights when I wish I was clean and pure inside, light and airy when I walked, empty, empty, empty, and free.
Pretty soon you're gonna waste away...
The moment you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long.
Having this control always lifts my mood. And the promise of reaching my goal, makes everything seem worth it. The elation level rises with every half pound that disappears (seeing as how my scale only registers to the half or whole pound).It always feels like everything will be okay, just as soon as I reach my goal. And even though I know that's not completely true, I know that it will help.
I am so tired of looking for my dreams of perfection at the bottom of a toliet bowl.
{We are all butterflies with one wing, we must join together to fly}
If you're anorexic, then you do not need tips on how to not eat. You do not need to be told how to stop eating. You do no need to be motivated. You look in the mirror. Problem solved.
"Bear in mind, people with eating dissorders tend to be both competitive and intelligent. We are incredibly perfectionistic. We often excel in school,athletics,artistic pursuits. We also tend to quit without warning. Refuse to go to school,drop out,quit jobs,leave lovers,move,lose all our money. We get sick of being impressive. Rather,we tire of having to seem impressive. As a rule,most of us never really believed we were any good in the first place." -Marya Hornbacher - Wasted-
Thin: It�s an addiction, a drug that gets you high and I�m craving it beyond anything.
I've come too far to take orders from a cookie.
Someday I'll break every mirror with my confidance.
If you're dabbling, believe what people tell you. This is not glamorous. This is hell. It has highs, but they come at a price.
I don't know what the heck is going on with me half of the time, I know I need help, but some part of me won't let me believe it. It's like admiting that I need any kind of help means that I'l lost control over everything, and I just can't let that happen. Not now, not ever. Am I a horrible person? What's wrong with me? Why can't I just get past all this stuff like other people can? Gods, I so fucked up...
"Like a plant, surely, the body can be trained to exist on nothing: to take it's nourishment from the air"
"We turn skeletons into goddesses, and look to then as if they might teach us how not to need"
"You can learn to love anything, I think, if you need to badly enough. I trained myself to enjoy feeling hungry. If my stomach contracts, or I wake up feeling nauseated, or I'm light-headed, or I have a hunger headache, or better yet, all of the above, it means I'm getting thinner. So it feels good. I feel strong, on top of myself. In control. Thanks to the dictator." ---Second Star To The Right
"Once I set my heart on something, I just won't quit until I get it. Even if it starts looking like the wrong thing to go after, you know? I don't stop to question it; I just go for it, figuring once I've got it, I'll worry about the rest." ---Second Star To The Right
"Utterly refuse to consume an over-powering food temptation. This is how drug problems are solved. This is how alcoholism is beaten. This is how smoking cessation works. This is how addictions in general are cured."
"We all know that drugs, alcohol, tobacco, and addictions are harmful. Calories are harmful in the same way. If you eat extra calories, you are for sure killing yourself in the same way that any harmful substance kills. Suppose that we can train our minds to remember that "calories are killers". With this thought firmly and indelibly implanted in both our conscious and subconscious minds, this sobering realization can help us gain sufficient fortitude, will-power, and self-control to allow limited consumption of calories within firmly controlled bounds."
"An ordinary girl, an ordinary waist. But ordinary's just not good enough today." ---Our Lady Peace Superman's Dead
"The difference between want and need is self-control."
"You've made a decision: you will NOT stop. The pain is necessary, especially the pain of hunger. It reassures you that you are strong, can withstand anything, that you are NOT a slave to your body, that you don't have to give in to its whining."
"I've freed myself from this compulsion of eating. When I wake, I am empty, light, light-headed; I like to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling light. For me, food's only interest lies in how little I need, how strong I am, how well I can resist -each time achieving another small victory of the will: one carrot instead of two, half a cracker, no more peas. Each gain makes me stronger, purer, larger in my exercise of power, until eventually I see no reason to eat at all."
"I hear horror stories about girls who don't eat - how their hair turns white and their gums bleed. But I feel beautiful, perfect. I am all pale and bone-pale flesh and pale hair and I am light. I am like some fairy thing. I dream about fairies dancing around the house with rib cages showing like baskets under their flesh. I could drift up and away from here. I am so light. Bound by nothing. Not even time. And I am pure now." -- The Hanged Man
"Somewhere in the back of my brain there exists this certainty: the body is no more than a costume, and it can be changed at will. That the changing of bodies, like costumes, would make me into a different character, a character who might, finally, be all right." ---Wasted
"One day I will be thin enough. Just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. Just the pure, clear shape of me. Bones. That is, after all, what we're made up of, and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. Strip it away, use it up. No deposit, no return."
"I can get thinner. I can cut it all off. I can wear low slung Levi's and crop tops and long straight dresses like willowy models, and I gasp with the breathlessness of being airborne. I can fly and be free. Jesus! I never realized how easy it was."
"They always say they are concerned about me, about my health, when all they want to do is pin me down and force-feed me: with lies, with what they call love. Like prisoners everywhere, all I have left is the power to refuse."
"I have a rule when I weigh myself: if I've gained, I starve myself for the rest of the day, but if I've lost, I starve too."
"After a couple of weeks, my clothes started to breathe a bit on my hips. I felt high, as if I were in an altered, excited state of mind. I can do this! I was taking control, making a change, getting sexy, becoming a woman."
"I wrapped my whole body around the excuse that I couldn't socialize because I wasn't thin enough. Once I got thin enough, I would be a calm, sexy, popular girl. If I could only lose a little more weight, if I could only flatten my stomach, then I would be welcomed into that world. After all, I was losing weight - I was doing something that all the other girls were trying to do. So of course I would be socially accepted and comfortable soon, very soon. Change my body and I'll change my life."
"Foods have no power of their own. They can't hypnotize you. They can't mesmerize you. They can't pull a gun on you and force you to devour them. Any hypnotic power that foods hold over you is the power that you have given them." ---Thin Tastes Better
"Stop looking at it. What are you looking at? You already see it every day on your thighs." ---Thin Tastes Better
"Invest in child size dishware...like blues clues or powerpuff girls. Not only will your servings be smaller, you'll be reminded that you're trying to look like you're in 4th grade again."
"While they were feasting, I was smelling the aromas and watching food go into people's mouths. I had to flex the muscles in my jaw and gut to stop myself from taking more food and feeling the hunger that was eating my stomach."
"I want to do more than be thin, I want to be possessed by thin. As Marya said in Wasted, 'You wish to carry Thinness on your arm, with her cool smile'. That's how I feel, like I want to be more than just thin. Like I want to be smooth and long and empty. Like I want to be perfect." ---Kristy
"I guess it's the pain I'm tired of dealing with. But I wouldn't give up my anorexia for anything. It's too much a part of me, intertwined into my daily life, 24/7. I eat, sleep, and breath anorexia and thinness. Living is, indeed, painful..." ---musicalace
"I always want to be the prettiest and the skinniest. The prettiest I can't always control-the skinniest I can." -- Emily
"Funny how we think the key to happiness is being thin, so we throw our happiness away in search of the key."
"Where do I go from here? I'm like a clock just spinning around. I feel it, tearing at my soul while I'm asleep. I feel it driving me to something I can't reach. I feel it pounding at my head like a drum. If it doesn�t stop I'll go insane."
"...my brain isn't exactly the safest place to be locked right now..." ---Janay
"...and if you run hard enough you almost think you can go fast enough to get away from the darkness that is following you, and you press harder, faster, if you do more then it'll go away...but it never does." ---Janay
"...your mind fogs up, you open your eyes and you are surrounded, chained...to what you can't see, only sense. I'm choking when I try to inhale. My throat constricts, I can't swallow the pain, I think I bit off more than I could chew..." ---Janay
"I'm sitting here thinking, trying to piece things together, but I think I've got pieces from another puzzle mixed in, they don�t fit...I force it and it just looks odd." ---Janay
"Oh god you guys...I need help. I'm so scared. I don�t know what to do. I feel like everything inside is bubbling up to the surface, and it hurts. It hurts so much and I don�t know what to do. I want to cut, to scream, to cry and I...oh god. Please somebody help me." ---Janay
ANOREXIC PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT Food can cause many physical and mental health problems. Physical side effects associated with food are high blood pressure, high blood sugar, heart problems, and the most serious of all, FATNESS!!!!!! If the food consumption and FATNESS are ignored, it turns to OBESITY!!!!! FATNESS is a TURNOFF to EVERYONE around you!!!! Being FAT makes you UGLY! NO ONE LIKES A FAT UGLY SLOPPY BITCH!!! AND IF YOU ARE -FAT- NO ONE WILL LIKE -YOU-!!!!! If no one likes you, you get LONELY and DEPRESSED!!! See how much trouble FOOD causes? Say NO to the most common street drug, FOOD!!! If you have eaten today, YOU ARE FAT!!!!
"I will control my emotions, not let my emotions control me. Every time I am tempted to use food to satisfy my frustrated desires, build up my injured ego, or dull my senses, I will remember, even though I overeat in private, my excess poundage is there for the world to see HOW FOOLISH I HAVE BEEN!!!"
"So you're walking on the edge
and you wait your turn to fall
but you're so far gone
that you don't see the hands upheld to catch you
and you could find the fault
in the heart that you've been handed
for though you cannot fly
you're not content to crawl...
and it's always too late when you've got nothing
so you say."
"I also believe that I'll never be in recovery. That I will always be fighting, and believing that I'll never be ok because I don't want to be ok. I want to struggle and to achieve that status of a beautiful waif." ---Naked Eye
"Why can't they realize my strength? How much it's taken to make so little of myself."
"When you coast without eating for a significant period of time and you are still alive, you begin to scoff at those fools who believe they must eat to live. It is blatantly obvious that this is not true."
"Eating disorders are a 24-hour-a-day fixation. They are with you from the moment you awake to the moment you fall asleep. Counting those calories, fear of getting fat, that's all you think about." ---Randi E. Wirth, Ph.D.
"Whatever you want in life, you must give up something to get it. The greater the value, the greater the sacrifice required of you. There's a price to pay if you want to make things better, and a price you'll pay for just leaving things as they are. Nothing worthwhile comes easily to anyone. Work, continuous work and hard work, is the only way to accomplish results that last."
"I swear on my grandpa's grave that I will not eat solid food for the next seven days. I deserve more punishment than that for my gluttony, but that will do for now. If it's not good enough after the seven days I'll do more." ---Jenni
"...I'd like to stay a secret,
Like walking in the dark,
If no one knows you, no one cares
So no one breaks your heart."
---"Spacey" by Nick Traina
"Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight..." ---Sarah McLachlan
"The word fat assumed a meaning as deadly as cancer. Getting fat was worse than losing your job, worse than being jilted at the altar, worse than living in a trailer park and growing up without shoes. You need to start watching yourself, my Mom said, before it�s too late."
"People don�t see me. No one sees me. It�s like being fat. No one takes you seriously. You just don�t exist � you�re so big, you�re not even there."
"You will be tempted quite frequently, and you will have to choose whether you will enjoy your self hugely in the twenty minutes or so that you will be consuming the excess calories, or whether you will dislike yourself cordially for two or three days, for your lack of willpower"
"...For every pang of hunger we feel, we can have a double joy, that of knowing we are saving worse pangs in some little children, and that or knowing that for every pang we feel we lose a pound. A pangs a pound the world around we'll say."
"Those 4:00 hunger pains are striking you hard. It's the *fat time* of the day when you're starving and you appetite is telling you to over eat. But whatever you do RESIST THE TEMPTATION!!!"
�to be appreciated, you better be tall and thin. if you aren�t tall, you better at least be able to keep your weight below 100 pounds�
�quod me nutruit, me destruit (what nourishes me destroys me)"
�what is my problem? am i such a cow that i cant live without a fucking sundae? no self-control, none. pig� - Wasted
The world looks so beautiful when it's spinning - Sarah
And I miss the days where I couldn't remember the last time I ate...-Sarah
If you're loking for perfection don't look at me, I'll only let you down.
That's it. This has to stop. I have to sort myself out, take some control, because it is actually not possible to live like this. I can't do it any more. I'm tired of crying every day, tired of spending all my time thinking about this, thinking of how good it used to be, of how things went wrong, of whether I can get this back. A person can't live like this. It's like living half a life, like living as an empty shell. I can't do it any more. So it has to stop. Now.
"There were times when I'd skip breakfast and lunch every single day, and when suppertime came around I couldn't remember how to hold a fork properly. I couldn't remember how to eat because I hadn't done it in so long. I miss those days of perfection and confusion." - me
starvation is control control is tough bones are beautiful when thin isn't enough
Cut My Wrists,
Stick My Fingers Down My Throat,
And Everything Should Be Just Perfect!