Diary4

.Razor.Thin.

Entry Date: Saturday, Feburary 26th 2005

.Count.the.Minutes.Until.Forever.Ends.

Hm. Well, my friends started a 30 hour famine thing for their church to raise money for the people in India and stuff so I fugured I'd do it too, just because I wanted to see if I could.

               -Wanting a slice of orange and walking away from it is like winning a game. Every time you                                                              win you gain more power, more control-

   I'm at my dad's this weekend and my foster mom is staying here too, and they're trying to make me eat and they just don't understand that I don't want to. They tell me to eat, but I know that if I don't do this I'll feel like such a failure.

                                                 -And I know I'll hate myself forever-

   It's so much easier to fool my friends, teachers, and grandparents than it is to fool my daddy and foster mom. And I'm counting the minutes until I leave.

Entry Date: Sunday, Feburary 27th 2005

.Just.One.More.Breath.

Do you know what daddy dearest did to me today? My foster mom (elle s'appelle Sheila), my dad, and myself all went to my aunt Suzanne's apartment to go swimming and sit in the hot tub. One of Suzanne's friends, Brinn, came over too. I stayed up in the apartment making chocolate chip cookies and cresants while they were swimming. Sheila came back up before the cookies came out and stuffed her face with five cresants. I brought down the remaining cresants and a plate full of oven-fresh cookies to the pool area and gave them to Suzanne, Brinn, and Daddy. Now, I had Theban writing on my arm which said 'Remember Catrina' because I was in morning for her. Anyway, Brinn asked me about it while munching on a cookie. I didn't say much about; just shrugged my sholders. To which daddy said, "That's nothing, you should have seen what she did with the exact-o knife." Silence.I told Brin and Suzanne that it was a long time ago and changed the subject.
Gods, I wanted to cry. Why did he say such mean things about me? Why does he always bring that up around people? I'm so hurt and so angry. And then he just goes on like nothing happened. If he loves me, why does he hurt me like that?

Entry Date: Monday, Feburary 28th 2005

.Just.One.More.Breath.

I was strong for 25 hours; and then I cracked. I binged on two bowls of chocolate cereal, a chocolate doughnut, and a slice of pizza. So the fasting was completely pointless because that's what I eat in a normal day.
Anyway, thursday must have slipped my mind. So let's take a step back, shall we? Alright, so I was in English class and it was almost the end of the school day. I was so angry, but for the life of me I can't remeber why. David was shapening his pencil in the electric pencil sharpener. I just kept feeling myself getting angrier and angrier, like I was going to boil over, but my expression remained the same. It was like I wasn't even in by body when I was feeling this. I felt the pressure keep building and building and- POP! Out of the corner of my eye I saw a flash of light and smoke. Did I blow him up? I asked myself, catching the smell of burning rubber. Glancing up, my gaze was met with stunned silence. Did they notice? I wondered silently. David looked at the pencil sharpener, and then back at me, before finding an interesting spot on the floor to stare at. Holy fuck, I thought. I almost blew up David! How could I do such a thing?!? I don't even hate him! I barely even know him! How could I have let this happen? I thought I had control! Alexis interrupted my thoughts. "Kat, did you do that?" she asked me. "No." I replyed softly, and continued to stare intently and a spot on the floor.

Entry Date: Monday, Feburary 28th 2005 5:45pm

.In.a.Field.of.Dead.Bodies.

I just kept cutting and cutting. It made me want to cry, but I think my body has forgotten how. I just kept cutting, like I couldn't get the pain and hopelessness to bleed out. I try to count the new slashes, but there's just so many. Gods, I want to be clean. And pure.
                                                           -I just want to be perfect.-
                                                                                     ...Just like you want me to be.
   I just hurt so much; and I don't think all this pain is going to go away anytime soon.

Entry Date: Wednesday,March 2nd 2005

.Take.Away.This.Flesh.

   I want to be the golden eagle, soaring high into the pre-dawn sky, looking down upon the world in her majesty. I want to be the lone she-wolf, silently stalking her prey in the shadowed forests of night. I want to be anything; anything but human. Take away this flesh.
   Gliding over the warm air currents, I feel so free. Soaring high and higher, I survey my sky-kingdom. Fields and clusters of trees dominate the landscape. This is not the place for me, I tell myself. Where are the mountain peaks? The never-ing vastness of forests and trees? Is there no place that I can find peace?
   It is so difficult to keep my spirit inside my body. It always seeks to be elsewhere, anywhere but where I am now. I'm afraid of what might happen if I don't have enough control to direct in back into this body. I am so very human, at least I try to be, but my soul is so other-worldy. It's like I'm in the wrong world, the wrong time, the wrong body. I cannot feel confortable in this skin, it's like it wants to sprout wings and fly while still trying to growl at the neighbor's dog. What am I? Bird, wolf, of human? I'm just so confused.

Changing the subject now. I started my psionics training again on monday. Which might explain quite a few things - like why I'm sencing things that aren't there, blowing things up, and healing with Vampiric speed. Like today for example, it usually takes my cuts a week to completely vanish - which is still extremely fast because I cut so deep. To compare, it might take a normal person at least two weeks for their cuts to completely vanish. Whereas mine, it's been only a day, and they already look as if they've been healing for nearly a week! There are still small traces of where the deep cuts used to be, but nothing more than mere shadows. I can run my finger along my wrist and not feel anything. It's like they weren't even there! I'm healing faster than usual. And people have noticed. I think, that could just be my paranoia. Anyway, I'm tempted to jump off the school roof just to see how long it would take be to heal. I'm kidding, but it is a tempting idea.

Entry Date: Wednesday,March 2nd 2005 11:08pm

.Nite.

He doesn't love me. He doesn't even like me, let alone care about me. It's his physical need of me that keeps me around. He needs me. Being needed means that I have value, that I'm not worthless. That I'm not nothing. Because I need to hear that I still exist.

.A.Note.on.the.Matter.of.Immortality.

Entry Date: Thursday, March 3rd 2005

Who would really want to be immortal if they knew the truth of it?

All your lives blend together in a never-ending waking nightmare of hurt and half memories. Everywhere you turn you see the shadowed face of someone you once knew, once cared for, once loved. And it hurts, so you close yourself inside yourself. You lock it all away. But the pain is still there, and it hurts. It hurts like you heart and spirit are being ripped out. It hurts and it hurts, and you wish you'd just die. But you know you can't.

And so I cut myself with razor blades to dull the pain inside, inhale bullets like cigarette smoke, and look for a way to die.

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