SPACEBALLS
[After attempting to get out of a chair with his seatbelt on.] Barf: Oooh, that's gonna leave a mark. Yogurt: Merchandising, merchandising, where the real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs the T-shirt. Spaceballs the lunchbox. Spaceballs the coloring book. Spaceballs... the flamethrower! Kids love it. And my favorite, Spaceballs the Doll -- me! [Pulls string] Doll: May the Schwartz be with you! [nurse exits] Dark Helmet: I bet she gives great helmet. [Upon going into "ludicrous speed"] Dark Helmet: My brains... are going into my feet! Dark Helmet: WHAT? You went over my helmet? [Playing with his dolls] Dark Helmet: [In Dark Helmet voice] And now Princess Vespa, I have you in my clutches, to have my wicked way with you, the way I want to. [In Vespa voice] No, no, go away, I hate you! And yet... I find you strangely attractive. [In D.H. voice] Of course you do! Druish princesses are often attracted to money and power, and I have both, and you *know* it! [In V. voice] No, no, leave me alone! [In DH voice] No, kiss me! [V.] No! Stop! [DH] Yes, yes! [V.] Oh, oh, oh! Ohhhh, your helmet is so big! [King Roland has given in to Dark Helmet's threats, and is telling him the combination to the "air shield"] King Roland: One. Dark Helmet: One. Colonel Sandurz: One. King Roland: Two. Dark Helmet: Two. Colonel Sandurz: Two. King Roland: Three. Dark Helmet: Three. Colonel Sandurz::: Three. King Roland: Four. Dark Helmet: Four. Colonel Sandurz: Four. King Roland: Five. Dark Helmet: Five. Colonel Sandurz: Five. Dark Helmet: So the combination is one, two, three, four, five? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard! That's the kind of combination an idiot would put on his luggage! Barf: It's not that we're afraid, far from it, it's just that death, it just isn't us. [As they are trekking through the desert] Lone Starr: Water... water... Barf: Water... water... Dot Matrix: Oil... oil... Princess Vespa: Room service... room service... Lone Starr: A million? That's unfair. Pizza The Hutt: Unfair to the payer but not to the payee. But you're gonna pay it, or else! Barf: Or else what? Pizza The Hutt: Tell him, Vinnie. Vinnie: Or else pizza is gonna send out for *you*! [Watching "Spaceballs: The Movie". They reach "now" in the movie.] Dark Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie? Colonel Sandurz: You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now is happening now. Dark Helmet: What happened to then? Colonel Sandurz: We passed then. Dark Helmet: When? Colonel Sandurz: Just now. We're at now now. Dark Helmet: Go back to then. Colonel Sandurz: When? Dark Helmet: Now! Colonel Sandurz: Now? Dark Helmet: Now! Colonel Sandurz: I can't. Dark Helmet: Why? Colonel Sandurz: We missed it. Dark Helmet: When? Colonel Sandurz: Just now. Dark Helmet: When will then be now? Colonel Sandurz: Soon. Dark Helmet: How soon? Major: Sir! Colonel Sandurz: What? Major: We've identified thier location. Dark Helmet: Where? Major: It's the Moon Of Vega. Colonel Sandurz: Good work. Set a course and prepare for our arrival. Dark Helmet: When? Major: Ninteen hundred hours. Colonel Sandurz: By high noon tomorrow, they will be our prisoners. Dark Helmet: WHO??!?!?!? Princess Vespa: I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids. Lone Starr: Oh great. That's all we needed. A Druish princess. Barf: Funny, she doesn't look Druish. Dark Helmet: Knock on my door! Knock next time! Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir! Dark Helmet: Did you see anything? Colonel Sandurz: No, sir! I didn't see you playing with you dolls again. Dark Helmet: Good! Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend! Guard: What the hell are you doing? Lone Starr: The Vulcan neck pinch? Guard: No, no, no, stupid, you've got it much too high. It's down here where the shoulder meets the neck. [Lone Starr changes hand position] Lone Starr: Like this? Guard: Yeah! [Guard falls to the ground] Lone Starr: Thanks! Dark Helmet: Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonna be a short honeymoon. Barf: I know we need the money, but... Lone Starr: Listen! We're not just doing this for money... We're doing it for a SHIT LOAD of money! Barf: Oh, you're right. And when you're right, you're right. And you - you're always right. Lone Starr: So, Lord Helmet, at last we meet again for the first time for the last time. Dark Helmet: Raspberry. There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry: Lone Starr! Dark Helmet: What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? CHICKEN??? Computer: [aboard Mega-Maid] Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button. [Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet and the Video Operator are watching "Spaceballs, the movie"] Colonel Sandurz: That's much too early. Prepare to fast-forward! Video Operator: Preparing to fast-forward! Colonel Sandurz: Fast-forward! Video Operator: Fast-forwarding, sir! [Skroob, Helmet, and Sanders reach the cancellation button] Dark Helmet: Out of order? FUCK! Even in the future, nothing works! Lone Starr: What the hell was that noise? Dot Matrix: That was my virgin-alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do! Dark Helmet: Say good-bye to your two best friends, and I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago. President Skroob: Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big? [After the self-destruction mechanism has been activated] President Skroob: Sandurz, Sandurz. You got to help me. I don't know what to do. I can't make decisions. I'm a president! [When Lone Starr and Barf stops on the outer space gas station] Waitress: Ready to order? Woman in Diner: Ah, yes, we'll both have the lunafish. Dark Helmet: So, Lone Starr, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb. Dark Helmet: Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr. Lone Starr: What? Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate. Lone Starr: What's that make us? Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become. [Princess Vespa has been given a gun] Princess Vespa: I ain't shooting this thing, I hate guns. [Her hair gets singed by a laser] My hair, he shot my hair. Son of a bitch! [Begins blasting] Minister: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness Princess Vespa, daughter of King Roland going right past the altar, heading down the ramp and out the door! Colonel Sandurz: It's Mega-Maid! She's gone from suck to blow! Pizza The Hutt: Well, if it isn't Lone Starr. And his sidekick, Puke. Yogurt: And may the Schwartz be with you! Dark Helmet: No, it's not what you think. It's much, much worse! [after attempting to get out of a chair with his seatbelt on] Barf: Oooh, that's gonna leave a mark. Yogurt: Merchandising, merchandising, where the real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs-the T-shirt, Spaceballs-the Coloring Book, Spaceballs-the Lunch box, Spaceballs-the Breakfast Cereal, Spaceballs-the Flame Thrower. [turns it on] The Dinks: Ooooh! Yogurt: (reacts to dinks) The kids love this one. (A dink hands him a doll that looks likes Yogurt) And last but not least, Spaceballs the doll, me. [Pulls string] Doll: May the schwartz be with you! [nurse exits] Dark Helmet: I bet she gives great helmet. [Upon going into "ludicrous speed"] Dark Helmet: My brains... are going into my feet! Dark Helmet: WHAT? You went over my helmet? [Playing with his dolls] Dark Helmet: [In Dark Helmet voice] And now Princess Vespa, I have you in my clutches, to have my wicked way with you, the way I want to. [In Vespa voice] Dark Helmet: No, no, go away, I hate you! And yet... I find you strangely attractive. [In D.H. voice] Dark Helmet: Of course you do! Druish princesses are often attracted to money and power, and I have both, and you *know* it! [In V. voice] Dark Helmet: No, no, leave me alone! [In D.H. voice] Dark Helmet: No, kiss me! [V] Dark Helmet: No! Stop! [D.H] Dark Helmet: Yes, yes! [V] Dark Helmet: Oh, oh, oh! Ohhhh, your helmet is so big! [King Roland has given in to Dark Helmet's threats, and is telling him the combination to the "air shield"] Roland: One. Dark Helmet: One. Colonel Sandurz: One. Roland: Two. Dark Helmet: Two. Colonel Sandurz: Two. Roland: Three. Dark Helmet: Three. Colonel Sandurz: Three. Roland: Four. Dark Helmet: Four. Colonel Sandurz: Four. Roland: Five. Dark Helmet: Five. Colonel Sandurz: Five. Dark Helmet: So the combination is one, two, three, four, five? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! The kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage! Barf: It's not that we're afraid of death, far from it, it's just that we've got this thing about death... It's not us! [as they are trekking through the desert] Lone Starr: Water... water... Barf: Water... water... Dot Matrix: Oil... oil... Princess Vespa: Room service... room service... Lone Starr: A million? That's unfair. Pizza the Hutt: Unfair to payor but not to payee. But you're gonna pay it, or else! Barf: Or else what? Pizza the Hutt: Tell him, vinnie. Vinnie: Or else pizza is gonna send out for *you*! Princess Vespa: I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids. Lone Starr: Oh great. That's all we needed. A Druish princess. Barf: Funny, she doesn't look Druish. [Lord Helmet is playing with his dolls in his quarters when Col Sandurz bursts in] Colonel Sandurz: Lord Helmet! Dark Helmet: WHAT? [Helmet gathers up his dolls] Colonel Sandurz: You're needed on the bridge sir! Dark Helmet: Knock on my door! Knock next time! Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir! Dark Helmet: Did you see anything? Colonel Sandurz: No, sir! I didn't see you playing with you dolls again. [Sandurz closes the door] Dark Helmet: Good! Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend! Guard: What the hell are you doing? Lone Starr: The Vulcan neck pinch? Guard: No, no, no, stupid, you've got it much too high. It's down here where the shoulder meets the neck. [Lone Star changes hand position] Lone Starr: Like this? Guard: Yeah! [Guard falls to the ground] Lone Starr: Thanks Dark Helmet: Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonna be a short honeymoon. Barf: I know we need the money, but... Lone Starr: Listen! We're not just doing this for money... We're doing it for a SHIT LOAD of money! Barf: Oh, you're right. And when you're right, you're right. And you - you're always right. Lone Starr: So, Lord Helmet, at last we meet again for the first time for the last time. Dark Helmet: Raspberry. There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry: Lone Star! Dark Helmet: What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? CHICKEN? Computer: [aboard Mega-Maid] Thank you for pressing the self destruct button. [Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet and the Video Operator are watching Spaceballs (1987), the movie] Colonel Sandurz: That's much too early. Prepare to fast-forward! Video Operator: Preparing to fast-forward! Colonel Sandurz: Fast-forward! Video Operator: Fast-forwarding, sir! [Skroob, Helmet, and Sanders reach the cancellation button] Dark Helmet: Out of order? FUCK! Even in the future, nothing works! Lone Starr: What the hell was that noise? Dot Matrix: That was my virgin-alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do! Dark Helmet: say goodbye to your two best friends, and I don't mean your pals in the winnebago. President Skroob: Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big? [after the self-destruction mechanism has been activated] President Skroob: Sandurz, Sandurz. You got to help me. I don't know what to do. I can't make decisions. I'm a president! [When Lone Star and Barf stops on the outer space gas-station] Waitress: Ready to order? Woman in Diner: Ah, yes, we'll both have the lunafish. Dark Helmet: So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb. Dark Helmet: Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Star. Lone Starr: What? Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate. Lone Starr: What's that make us? Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become. [Princess Vespa has been given a gun] Princess Vespa: I ain't shooting this thing, I hate guns. [her hair gets singed by a laser] Princess Vespa: My hair, he shot my hair. Son of a bitch! [Begins blasting] Minister: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness Princess Vespa, daughter of King Roland going right past the altar, heading down the ramp and out the door! Colonel Sandurz: Oh my god, it's Mega Maid. She's gone from suck to blow. Pizza the Hutt: Well, if it isn't Lone Star. And his sidekick, Puke. Yogurt: And may the schwartz be with you! Dark Helmet: No, it's not what you think. It's much, much worse! Dot Matrix: Can we talk? OK, we all know Prince Valium is a pill. But you could have married him for your father's sake and had a headache for the next 25 years. Colonel Sandurz: Sir, do you think we're being too literal? Dark Helmet: No you fool, we're following orders. We were told to comb the desert so we're combing it. Barf: It's like the Temple of Doom or something. Dot Matrix: Well, it sure ain't Temple Beth Israel. Dark Helmet: Yogurt! Yogurt! I hate Yogurt! Even with Strawberries. [Mega-Maid's computer counts down to self-destruct] Computer: ten... nine... eight... six... President Skroob: Six? What happened to seven? Computer: Just kidding! Seven... six... five... four... three... two... one... have a nice day. Lord Helmet, Colnel Sandurz & President Skroob: Thank you. Colonel Sandurz: Prepare ship for light speed. Dark Helmet: No, no, no, light speed is too slow. Colonel Sandurz: Light speed, too slow? Dark Helmet: Yes, we're gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed. Princess Vespa: Who are you? Barf: Barf! Dot Matrix: Not in here, mister! This is a Mercedes! Colonel Sandurz: They must have hyperjets on that thing. Dark Helmet: And what do we have on this thing? A cuisinart? Lonestar: It's Spaceball 1. Barf: They've gone to plaid! Lone Starr: It's Spaceball One! Barf: They've gone to plaid! [Man who ate the Space Special is becoming violently ill] Woman in Diner: Bring him some water! Man in Diner: Water, my ass! Get this guy some Pepto-Bismol! Dark Helmet: What did you do? You turned it off! Colonel Sandurz: Turned off what? I just turned off the screen. Colonel Sandurz: No, you didnt! You turned off the movie! Dark Helmet: What's happening? Where is this in the movie? Colonel Sandurz: Now, sir. What's happening, now is happening now. Dark Helmet: What happened to then? Colonel Sandurz: We passed it. Dark Helmet: When? Colonel Sandurz: Just now. Dark Helmet: Now? Colonel Sandurz: Now! Dark Helmet: Why? Colonel Sandurz: We missed it. Dark Helmet: When? Colonel Sandurz: Just now. Dark Helmet: When will then be now? Colonel Sandurz: Soon. Dark Helmet: How soon? Major: Sir! Colonel Sandurz: What? Major: We've identified thier location. Dark Helmet: Where? Major: It's the Moon Of Vega. Colonel Sandurz: Good work. Set a course and prepare for our arrival. Dark Helmet: When? Major: Ninteen hundred hours. Colonel Sandurz: By tomorrow, they will be our prisoners. Dark Helmet: WHO? Colonel Sandurz: Why are you preparing? You're always preparing! Just go! Colonel Sandurz: Just go! Yogurt: I am the keeper of a greater power, a power known throughout the universe as the... Barf: ...the Force? Yogurt: No, the Schwartz! Lone Starr: We gotta get moving before dawn. Barf: Why so early? Lone Starr: Because we're in the middle of a desert and we're not going to get very far once that blazing sun gets overhead. [screen dissolves into a shot of the blazing sun overhead, with Lone Starr and Barf still slightly visible] Barf: Nice dissolve. President Skroob: As president of Planet Spaceball, I can assure both you and your viewers that there's absolutely no air shortage whatsoever. Yes, of course. I've heard the same rumor myself. Yes, thanks for calling and not reversing the charges. Bye-bye. [hangs up] President Skroob: Shithead. Lone Starr: Did I miss something? When did we get to Disneyland? John Hurt: Oh, no. Not again. Dot Matrix: I was saying; Do you realize what you've done? Princess Vespa: Yes, and I'm glad. Glad, glad, glad, glad, glad. Dot Matrix: I wonder if she's glad. Commanderette Zircon: Shall I have Snotty beam you down, sir? President Skroob: I don't know about this beaming stuff? Is it safe? Commanderette Zircon: Oh yes, sir. Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful. Princess Vespa: Hey! I don't have to put up with this! I'm rich! Minister: What's your name? Barf: Barf. Minister: Your full name? [Barf sucks in chest to look stronger] Barf: Barf-olemew! Dark Helmet: [to Col. Sandurz] Give me that, you petty excuse for an officer! Princess Vespa: Ha, didn't even stay for the wedding. Just took his million spacebuck and ran. King Roland: He didn't take the million... Princess Vespa: I can see it all now. [turns to King Roland] Princess Vespa: Can't you see he loves me? Minister: Excuse me! I'm trying to conduct a wedding here which has nothing to do with love, so please be quiet! King Roland: I'm sorry Princess Vespa: I'm sorry Prince Valium: I'm sorry Minister: Don't be sorry, be quiet! Prince Valium, Princess Vespa, King Roland: I'M SORRY! Minister: Do you? Lone Starr: Yes Minister: Do you? Princess Vespa: Yes Minister: GOOD, you're married. KISS HER! Princess Vespa: Now listen you... Lone Starr: You listen. On this ship, you're to refer to me as 'idiot', not 'you captain'. I mean, you know what I mean. Princess Vespa: And you will not call me 'you'. You will never address me as 'you'. You will call me 'your royal highness'. Lone Starr: You are royal pain in the... Barf: Whoa, hold it, time. Colonel Sandurz: Prepare ship for ludicrous speed! Fasten all seatbelts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall, cancel the three ring circus, secure all animals in the zoo! Dark Helmet: I see your schwartz is as big as mine. Dark Helmet: Careful you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it! Laser Gunner: Sorry sir! I'm doing my best! Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner? Major: I did sir. He's my cousin. Dark Helmet: Who is he? Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole sir. Dark Helmet: I know that! What's his name? Colonel Sandurz: That is his name sir. Asshole, Major Asshole! Dark Helmet: And his cousin? Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole too sir. Gunner's mate First Class Philip Asshole! Dark Helmet: How many asholes do we have on this ship, anyway? [Entire bridge crew stands up and raises a hand] Entire Bridge Crew: Yo! Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes! [Dark Helmet pulls his face shield down] Dark Helmet: Keep firing, assholes! Colonel Sandurz: What shall we do now, Sir? Dark Helmet: Well, are we stopped? Colonel Sandurz: We're stopped, Sir. Dark Helmet: Good. Well, why don't we take a five minute break? Colonel Sandurz: Very good, Sir. Dark Helmet: Smoke if you got'em. [Faints] Lone Starr: Barf! Barf! BARF! Barf: Always when I'm eating! Alien puppet: [singing and dancing] Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal! Send me your kiss by wire, baby my heart's on fire! If you refuse me honey you'll lose me then you'll be left alone, oh baby telephone and tell me I'm your own! Dark Helmet: What's the matter with this thing? What's with all that churning and bubbling? You call that a Radar Screen? [Sandurz points to the sign on the machine] Colonel Sandurz: No sir, we call it Mr. Coffee. Care for some? Dark Helmet: I always have coffee when I watch radar, you know that! Colonel Sandurz: Of course I do, sir. Dark Helmet: Everybody knows that! All the henchmen in the room: Of course we do, sir! Dark Helmet: Now that I have my coffee I'm ready to watch radar. Where is it? Colonel Sandurz: Right here, sir. [Sandurz points to the sign on the radar screen that says Mr. Radar] Ape ..1: Dear me, what are those things coming out of her nose? Ape ..2: [looking in binoculars] SPACEBALLS? Ape ..1: Oh shit! There goes the planet. Captain of the Guard: You idiots! These are not them! You've captured their stunt doubles! [after running the full length of Spaceball One to reach the bridge] President Skroob: The ship is too big. If I walk, the movie will be over. Dark Helmet: Prepare for Metamorphosis, are you ready Kafka? Dark Helmet: [breathes heavily, Darth Vader-style] ... I can't breathe in this thing! [right after Lone Starr and Princess Vespa kiss at their wedding] Dot Matrix: Good-bye Virgin alarm. Dark Helmet: If there's one thing I despise, it is a fair fight. But if I must, then I must. May the best man win. Put 'er there. [Reaches out to shake Lone Starr's hand and takes his Schwartz ring] Dark Helmet: The Ring! I can't believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book! What a fool, what's with you man, c'mon? Here let me give it back to you. Oh! [throws it down a hole] Dark Helmet: Oh, look at that, you fell for that too! I can't believe it, man! Dark Helmet: We were told to comb the desert so we're combing it. [to two white henchmen with a giant comb] Dark Helmet: Found anything yet? Henchmen: Nothing sir! [to two more white henchmen with a giant comb] Dark Helmet: How bout you? Henchmen: Not a thing sir! [to two black henchmen with a giant pick] Dark Helmet: What about you guys? Henchmen: Man, we ain't found shit! Barf: (reacting to the guards being shot by Princess Vespa) HOLY SHIT! Princess Vespa: How was that? Lone Starr: Not bad. Barf: Not bad... for a girl. Dot Matrix: Hey that was pretty good for RAMBO! Dot Matrix: [while running from blaster fire, a la Star Wars] "Ooh, I *hate* these movies! Guard 1: Hey! Those are the guys that stole our uniforms! Guard 2: Yeah! And beat the shit out of us, too! Lonestar: Just one more dune. Barf: That's what you said three dunes ago. Lone Starr: Who hasn't heard of Yogurt! Princess Vespa: Yogurt the Wise! Dot Matrix: Yogurt the All-Powerful! Barf: Yogurt the Magnificent! Yogurt: Please, please, don't make a fuss. I'm just plain Yogurt. President Skroob: [enters after the interrogation of King Roland] Did you get the combination? Dark Helmet: Yes, sir! President Skroob: Well, what is it? Dark Helmet: 1 2 3 4 5 President Skroob: 1 2 3 4 5? That's amazing! I've got the same thing on my luggage! Princess Vespa: What's your name? Barf: Barf. Dot Matrix: Hey, not in here buddy, this is a Mercedes. Colonel Sandurz: Sir haden't you better buckle up? Dark Helmet: AH! BUCKLE THIS! Ludicris speed GO! Dark Helmet: Why are we always "preparing"? Just go. Colonel Sandurz: Just go.
Family Guy Quotes
Peter-Oh cmon Lois, weve never had trouble comunicating *flashback* Lois-I love you Peter- about quarter past 5 Drive by argument "Oh reginald, I DISAGREE!" Peter ~ "I got an idea, an idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about." stewie: put me thru to the pentigon. ernie: do u know what sound a cow makes? stewie don't toy with me erinie i have 6 armed man outside big bird's nest and as for linda well it kinda hard for a death woman to hear and assaion approch Chris : "yo did you check me when that hottie was all up in my kool-ade... ya i was lookin to break off a lil somthin somthin but my crew gave me da 411 on that skank an shes all about the bling bling..." peter stops car Lowis: "peter whats wrong?" peter: "hes speaking in tongues lowis our son is posessed meg start at solm:41 and dont stop readin till i tell you the pwoer of christ compel's you the power of christ compel's you" chris : "Aaaaaaaaa Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" Brian: Get any sleep? Stewie: Oh I didnt sleep a wink because my pillow smelled like farts, but who cares were in England. (Peter and the guys usin' a high powered microphone listenin' to Quagmire's thoughts.) Quagmire: Damn this itches, I wonder who gave it to me. Probably that skank who needed a ride to the gas station. Last time I do somebody a favor. Oh god, they must have heard me. OH GOD! I can hear me. *starts singin'* guy: Jackal! Jackal! Jackal? Jackal! It looks like a Jackal! Jackal?! woman: Time's up! Stewie (banging head against the table): If it wasn't right the first time you said it, why the hell would it be right the next 10 times? GOD! (walks out) Stewie: let's go. allright, we need some wheels Brian: this one's unlocked Stewie: an SUV? look, we're trying to elude someone, we're not drving to soccer practice. Peter: Now what? Are you coming on to me? Lois: Peter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying to tell you you're healthy. Doctor: Can't it be both? Cult guy: Are you a confused adolescent desperately seeking acceptance from an undifferentiated ego mass that demands conformity? Fred: It looks like the murderer gutted the victim and then strangled him with his own intestines....That's right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch. "You kidnapped Santa?! That does NOT rock!!!" Stewie when he sees some naked girls in the locker room, "whats this? my wee-wee seems to have been stricken with rigor mortis!" Bob Dole's a friend of the Tobacco industry Bob Dole likes your style Bob Dole Bob Dole Bob Dole Bob Dole Bob Dole Bob Dole Bob Dole(falls asleep) Quagmire finds the hog-tied cheerleader and says "Dear diary....JACKPOT!" Parking Lot attendent: Oh, you don't need to park here Mr. Griffin, you have an executive parking space now. Peter: Well, that looks just like my old space. Parking Lot attendent: But this one comes with your own company suck up. Suck Up: Morning Mr. Griffin, nice day Peter: ah, it's a little cloudy. Suck Up: It's absolutely cloudy, one of the worst days I've seen in years. So good news about the Yankees. Peter: I hate the Yankees. Suck Up: Pack of cheaters, that's what they are. I love your tie. Peter: I hate this tie. Suck Up: It's awful, it's gaudy, it's got to go. Peter: and I hate myself Suck Up: I hate you too, you make me sick, you fat sack of crap. Peter: but I'm the president. Suck Up: The best there is. Peter: but you just said you hated me. Suck Up: but...not you the president...the...you...who...said...you...hated...you...you...who...love...hate...yankees...clouds...*head explodes* "Hit 'em with a bag of Valencia Oranges, it doesn't leave a bruse and it shows them who's boss." "Hey, you're Tom Tucker, I bet you can do this. *Shimmy* "Mr. Tucker?" "G-g-get outta here, g-get out! get out!" "You can't interview a deadman!!!!" Peter: "Since when did they change the meaning of for to from?" Brian: "They had a meeting about it last night, you got a card in the mail, but you must have thought it was from you instead of for you, you know it's just much easier to call you stupid." "I feel like Hilary Clinton only you know, without the penis." "THE KIDS WILL B SMARTER. THEYLL B ABLE TO TURN ON THE VCR WITHOUT SPILLING HOT GRAVY ON MYSELF" Teacher: In French, to say yes you say oui-oui. [Peter starts laughing] Peter Griffin: Oh, man, that's hysterical. Hey, what do you say for no, doo-doo? Hey, I'll be right back. I've got to go take a wicked yes. Cop Radio: We have a gang shooting on 3rd and Main. Three wounded, one dead. Brian: Is it just me or is rap getting lazier? Tour Guide: You vill find more on Germany's contributions to the arts in ze pamphlets ve have provided. Brian Griffin: Yeah, about your pamphlet... uh, I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap. Tour guide: Everyone vas on vacation. On your left is Munich's first city hall, erected in 15... Brian Griffin: Wait, what are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and... Tour Guide: We were invited. Punch vas served. Check vit Poland. Dad: I'm tired of you honking at the girls and listening to your 1980's american rock music that we got here just last week Son: But father! Dad: But nothing! Go to your palace! "Oh my god, it's finally happened. He's collapsed into himself like a neutron star!" "Silly rabbit tricks are for kids! Damn long ears, tryin' to steal Easter awat from Jesus." Stewie Griffin: [Picking up the phone] Hello, operator. Hello... Oh god, that's right you have to punch in the numbers nowadays. Uhhh, I should know this. Oh yes. [dialing number] 867-5309, yes that's it. Wait that's not it, damn you Tommy Two-Tone. Huh, only one thing to do 111-1111, Lois? Damn. 111-1112 Lois? DAMN. 111-1113... Stewie Griffin: Come any closer and I'll cut her. [realizes he's holding a tongue depresser] Stewie Griffin: I'll give her a series of splinters... that could become infected. Lois: "Isn't that a little esoteric?" (Peter's brain decides "esoteric" means delicious) Peter: "Lois, Who's the Boss isn't a food." Brian: "Swing and a miss" peter shows up in hell, sees superman. peter "hey superman, what are you doing here?" superman "some hooker made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet and i tore her in half like a phone book" Stewie giving a "eulogy" for Brian's mom: "Ye and God said to Abraham, 'You will kill your son Isaac.' And Abraham said, 'I can't hear you, you'll have to speak into the microphone.' And God said 'Oh, I'm sorry.. is this better? Check... Check... Check... Jerry pull the high end out, I'm still getting some hiss back here.'" Auctioner: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute. Quagmire: Fifty bucks. Auctioner: She had nine STDs. Quagmire: ...Forty-five bucks. Auctioner: And when we caught her she wet herself. Quagmire: ...Fifty bucks "PETER: Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass." "hey mister, y dont u PICKAAAAP a 10 pieace family meal?" "sorry, i dont take coupons from chickens anymore, not since last time..." (giant 10 minute fight transpires between chicken and peter) out of breath "chicken...gave me u....bad..coupon." Lois: "With Stewie gone, there's nothing to do" Brian: "We...we could get hammered." Lois: "Its much too early for me but you go ahead" Lois: Peter, I care just as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts. Peter: OH MY GOD! Brian: Something like...It's a pleasure to see you again. Lovely weather we're having. Now you try. Peter: It's a pleasure to see you again...after Hogan's Heroes Bob Crane got his skull crushed in by a friend who was video taping him having rough sex...how was that? Peter: Oh man this is my favorite event. Catch the naked greased up deaf guy. Deaf Guy: Yer neva gonna catch me. Forget about it. Yer wasting yerrr time. Go do something else. See yall next yeeeeewr Lois: "Did you take care of that thing?" Peter: "That thing?...oh oh you mean that growth, yea I had the doctor look at that" Dr: "Mr Griffin that's not a growth, it's your penis." Peter:"I see, well, what about the..." Dr:"Testicles" Peter:".......huh" Peter: I'll give you $40 for that coffin. Store Owner: Sir, this casket is $1,000. Peter: I'll give you $2,000. Store Owner: Sir, that's double what it costs. Peter: $60. Brian: [to the store owner] He doesn't know how to haggle. "By all means, turn me into a child star. Perhaps I can move to Californ-i-ay and wrangle me a three-way with the Olsen twins." I.R.S. Representative:Well sir, I'm afraid that your not qualified for a tax refund. Peter:AAAHHHHH... ohh sorry, i still haven't gotten over the loss of party of five. I.R.S.: Well as I was saying you are not getting a tax refund. Peter:AAAHHHHHH... oh Party of Five. What were you saying? IRS: You're not intitled for a tax refund. Peter: AAHHHHH! IRS: Was that for Party of Five again? Peter: No, that was for my tax refund! What the hell is Party of Five!? "Hey. Did you ever notice this? On page 375 it says Jebus" "Supposed to be Jesus, right?" Chris Griffin : controlled by stewie: - good day shopkeep, i require tools capable of cutting a human sternam for, oh blast what do they study... Latin class Store owner: sorry i can't sell power tools to minors Chris/Stewie: look here, if you do not give me the components i require i will turn your blue tie into a red o........ Who the DEUCE are you!?, no i dont have any spare change, where would i keep it, my diaper!?, oh blast is this micorphone still on?! WOW WOW wait a sec! Pie, Drunk, The? I'll do it!!! its quite.... i...i know really quite i know theres nothing to uhhhhhh..........to uhhhhhh......uhhhhh.....whats the word im looking for DO!! oh brian your drunk you better give me the keys *falls on floor* hello anyone in here well hello there man in white.....what can i do for u..... i want to get out of here umm oh sorry we're fresh out of that im afraid all we have is untimely death who are you? its a boy!!! Death: *car shaking* sandy, saandy, ohh sandy! *car stops shaking* Aww man! Im gonna be a virgin forever! Or am I...? *car starts shaking again* "Does this look like a Q to you?" AHHHHHHH how bout now? And when little kids ask 'Mommy, how does his pee-pee worK?' Well I've got an answer, kiddies: Not too well!!! Chis: Well we cant keep the 26 dollars in my room, an evil monkey lives in there....the sad thing is, he wasnt always evil (Flashback) Monkey:-(walks in the door) Honey! Guess who made partner??(walks in bedroom, sees monkey wife with monkey lover. stairs. All three start jumping up and dow making monkey noises. Points finger EVILY) Peter: "Wait a second - if you're there, and I'm here... and Istanbul is in this general area... then whos that!!! Chris: OH MY GOD ITS THE FBI RUN E.T. RUN! Meg: "shut up lardo, its your fault we had to leave in the first place" Peter: "hey, i had nothing to do with it" Meg: "i was talking to chris!" Peter: "yeah, shut up lardo!" *in war* Hey you guys are stupid they'll be lookin for army men *peter dressed up like a clown* Meg: Mom!! I Made Flag Girl Stewie: Great, Now you can be somewhere else when the Boys Dont call. Lois: Peter, I'm not wearin' any panties... Peter: Don't worry, we can always throw that chair out. this is my rifle this is my gun this is for fighting this is for fun I'll tell you whats not funny. Killing strippers. Strippers are people too. People who pleasure you for a price sonn later negotiated behind a curtain in a V.I.P room. Besides, there's no reason to kill them, most of them are already dead inside. Ronald to daughter: woah woah woah, where you going with all that makeup Daughter: to a friends party Ronald: well take it off, Your a McDonald Not a Whore Rich guy - Oh my God, oh my God! She's dead! Peter - Okay, you might have killed her when you shoved all those dollar bills down her throat, or you might have killed her when you hit her with the barstool ... I don't know, I'm not a doctor ... but I'll tell you what didn't kill her ... smoking! Peter - Yeah, uhh Lois, I can't take out the garbage today, cuz they're making me stay late at the office... Lois - Peter, it says on the caller ID that you're calling from the kitchen, and in fact, I can see you! *Peter moves to the side* Peter - Can you see me now? Lois - No. Peter - Okay, NOW I'm at the office. Death: im sry its my fault, i just assumed u would make it with milk not crap. stewie: rupert! i told u to watch the bags. u where watching the boys again werent u? its that stewart isnt it, the one who looks like tad hunter. stewie: yes u have alot to think about dont u? public drinkenness, grand theft auto... brian: u forgot about the part where i made smash ur head on the windshield. stewie: well i dont remem... *brian stomps on the brakes and makes stewie smash his head on the wind shield* stewie: well it seems i walked into that one stewie: ugg. all this time keeping ppl from haveing sex, now i kno how the catholic church feels. baaazing! ois' dad: hes violating sea breeze! peter: no no hes just aquardly positioning him self... now hes violating sea breeze stewie: and while we are at it we can light up a dubee and watch porn ya misty cancel my 1 oclock, i have to hit more balls at this fat kid daughter why are you crying, on this the day of my daughters wedding Hey do you remember when you called me "Chris Grissel....well BURN FOR IT!! Holy crip, he's a crapple! Well, i dont have anything else to say but.... MILK MILK Lemonade around the corner fudge is made. WELL! If i'm a child, then you know what it makes you? A PEDAPHILE! And im not gonna stand around here talking to a pervert. Peter: Dont worry Louis i can handle it, i read a book about this once Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasnt NOTHING? Peter: Oh... oh yeah I can make up words too! You're a festigio Reporter:....and now I will have sex with a man who is in the bathroom rite now most likely doin drugs.... Quagmire:I never done it wit a spanish chick...OOOOOLAY! remember kids, guns don't kill people, dangerous minorities do ...and that one night? it was like having sex with a pillow! cmon lois move or somethin Peter i was at my MOTHER'S house that week oh how delightfull it seems that someone stabed Mr. bubbles bad roach1 "this is our turf man1 you better get offour turf man" bad roach2 "i'm gonna cut you up so bad that.. that you gonna wish i don't cut you up so bad!" brian "those were some bad roaches" guy ' i blame the schools" But i dont wanna feed gramother bacon in the bathtub We have our winner! Here kitty kitty kitty. Okay, okay....So heres my plan...I'll be Charlie...and you can all be my angels.." ::looks and points at a fat chick on the bus:: "..except you...you can be Bosley" Yes, i rather like the sash, but i think the Huggies make my ass look big. Peter---"Honey, are you pregnate?" Lois---"No" *Peter pushes Lois down some steps* Ted Turner: I think I've given a gift that the whole world can appreciate... I've colorized the moon. *peter cuts cake and cuts a womens head* Oh god!!!!! Cocanut!!! i'll take one thousand chicken fah-jytas Brian: do you wanna get some ice cream? *stewie shakes his head* You wanna get some Mcdonalds? *Stewie shakes his head* You wanna take a dump in Mother Maggies Shoes? *Stewie nods* Ok, lets go take a dump in Mother Maggies Shoes Louis may be worth 1 million dollars to you, but to me she's worthless! Somewhere there has to be a place that takes a traditional spiritual ceremony that takes years of commitment and blows through it in about 20 minutes� Vould you like tickets to Hitler ? Zen dial 213 DU WERDEST EINE KRAKEN SCHVESTER BRAUCHEN !! Judge- Peter Griffin, I sentence you to life in prison" "Oh No" "Oh No" Kool Aid Man- "Oh YEAH!" We didn't Take the boat, we took the Mystery Box. Hop in Optimus Prime is jewish!? Uh-oh I have to fart.... and I don't know where to lean. Whats your fatass doin here? *guy sitting on donkey* hes my only means of convayinse, but i guess i do spoil him. clearly you do, and what are YOU doing here? Stewie knocks over his oatmeal* Now clean it up! Oh! look at the little baybie. Aren't you cute? where's ur mommy? Thank you for saving me from that trance. In return, when I am ruler of the world, I shall make your death quick and painless. Hey Lois , it's a baby girl!! But it's got a penis...we'll have to do something about that...... "Peter No!!" Hey Meg, maybe if we fix it up a little it will look like a piece o' crap Lois Griffin: You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me. Peter Griffin: Uh, what could me and you do together? Peter Griffin: Lois! You've got a sick mind! Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm talking about making love. Peter Griffin: Oh! I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money. "Mister toad, how many licks of you does it take to get to the center of a state prison?" Second deeper voice "JUST ONE!" do you know what sound a cow makes? dont toy with me ernie, i have troops around big birds nest and as for belinda, well its hard for a deaf women to hear an assination approach. can you count to three? oh indeed I can! *takes out his lazer gun* one...two...three!... can i count to 3 for gods sake im already shooting at a 5th grade level. Dad, they have these games in the bathroom and i won a balloon u and ur big words..... and ur small difficult words... Hey there big guy... you feelin' alright? You want a soda? You want some ice cream?... ice cream will make it all better... aww screw it I tried. Brian:Hey cmon, y-y-you have a, you have a great job Stewie:Yeah, y-y-your do your doin...your doing goood Peter: Meg, you're home late. Meg: I stayed after school to try out for cheerleading. [continues crying] Peter: Well don't keep me in suspense. How'd ya do? Meg: I'll give you a hint. I S-U-C-K-E-D, sucked, sucked! Peter: Yay! Oh, I mean sorry honey. ooo i smell a messy diaper. god why does that turn me on? well actually the first act of violence was that time bomb i left ticking in your uterus. happy 50th anniversary lois. the party couldnt be any better if jesus himself was here ok, for my next miracle ill turn water...into FUNK Damn the toilet! It's made slaves of you all! It just sits there consuming other people's feces while contributing nothing of its own to society. You get a job!!!! Kids, we just have to learn to accept this. Like one of those stories on Dateline where a family member suffers a horrible accident and becomes a burden on everybody. Sure, they pretend to be happy, but they're dead inside, they're dead. And that'll be our lives. Well, as I always say, a family of freaks is better than no family at all. It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a lower-middle class Irish family. You're the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber. Brian: Face it Peter, you get competitive about everything. Peter: I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win. For God's sake, shake me. Shake me like a British nanny! Chris Griffin: Where do you think you go when you die? Southern boy: I learned from church that if you're good you go to heaven but if you're bad, you go to a place where the dead believe they're still living and they pray for death but death won't come. Chris Griffin: UPN? Oh, I must give you my e-mail address. It's loismustdie@yahoo.com This is life. So go and have a ball. Because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have...my opening statement. Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog. Remember, nothing says 'good job' like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind. Greg, I'm afraid you've earned four hours in the snake pit as punishment. And Jan, for tattling on your brother, you've earned a day in the chamber of fire. Come, ice cream. Come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me! I only drank so that the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off. Oh, jeez, I spilled wine all over your shirt! You know what's good for getting stains out? Sex with another man. Lois, when I'm through with them, our kids will be so smart, they'll be able to program their own VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself. Brian Griffin: Ah, if my memory serves me, this is the physics department. Chris Griffin: That would explain all the gravity. Meg Griffin: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me. Death: Well that would just leave England. Joe, I've had new neighbors before but none of them were half the man you are. And since you're half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure. Do these huggies make my ass look big? Chris, everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. Tom, you're so deep in the closet you're finding Christmas presents. Brothers and sisters fighting is as natural as a white mans dialogue in a Spike Lee movie. "Oh man this is my favorite event. Catch the greased up deaf guy!" "You are twisted lady! You are screwed up in the head!" - Brian "I have enough here to take down Robert Downy Jr." - Mr. Weed "Look at him! He runs like a Welshman! Doesn't he? Doesn't he run like a Welshman?" - Stewie "You mean three Philippino women..." - Quagmire "Four and a half kilos, uncut Nicaragua... around 1.7 mil?" Lois "They're midgets! Filthy drug peddling midgets!" - Brian "Put down the fork! Face!" - Brian "You know why I'm happy? Cause I'm free of S... T....D's!" - Clown "That's just fancy talk for sexified." - Peter "Oh look its Fido Mc Coke fiend." - Stewie "Wait wait! That man seems to have suffered a very serious snake bite!" - Stewie "I don't have to f..king impress you!" - Stewie "Wow! No wonder people do drugs!" - Chris "I'm also addicted to boobies!" and ill put a happy little bush....and if you tell ANYBODY ABOUT THAT BUSH ILL KILL YOU!!!!! does the birthday boy want some icecream? yes...but NO SPRINKLES! ...for every sprinkle i find...ill KILL you! chris your hoggin all the air well ur hoggin all the UGLY im gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts!!!! *silent* im allergic to peanuts!!!! *silent* you dont know anything about me!!!!! *runs* who was that guy? mrs parker the tests shows the tumor is melignant, you have 3 months to live oh my god! GOT MILK? son im going to ask you to return those hams. what hams? ~frisks chris~ AH! I need an adult! Wait these aren't hams, its just a fat kid! Your just a fat kid!Aren't ya fatty! Hey! Its just a fat kid! HAve a candy bar fatty! Gee thanks! wow the door opened for me. is it cuz im beautiful? well it was cuz u stepped on the rubber square, but it would have opened anyway cuz ur beautiful a boats a boat but the mystery box could be anything! it could even be a BOAT u know how much weve wanted one of those! then why dont we just..... well take the box!!! peter that happened 10 minutes ago!!! Chris: "Dad, What's a blowhole for on a whale? Peter: Well Chris, I can tell you what it's NOT for, and thats why we can never go back to Sea World. Denis Miller: "I dont wanna go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf havin sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antitum. I mean when a neoconservative defenistrates, its like rescounical filibuster deoximonhydroxinate." Peter: What the hell does Rant mean?!" Why did the dinosaurs die out? Because you touch yourself at night! Im turning you into poo!!! I fixed your vaccum, it seems a half-eaten meatball was cloggin up the intake. Well, did you save it? No.... You Bastard!!! The reason your nose glows Rudolph is a tumor. Is it a magical happy tumor that spreds joy and peace everywhere? No... Oh..... well is it a helpful tumor that.... YOUR GONNA DIE!!!! My grand slam was supposed to be with sausage... Oh the breakfast thing.... well theres always been alot of tension between me and Lois. Its not that i want to kill her, its that i dont want her to be alive, anymore. sometimes i wonder if all women are this difficult and then i realize, my god.... wouldnt it be marvelous if i turned out to be a homosexual? One time my dad pooped in the neighbors yard and then lied about it... I KNEW IT!!! Well im glad I used his shovel to clean it up. my other penis is a vagina stewie; "Hello Operator? Oh Yes, you have to dial the numbers nowadays..." 111-1111 Lois? Damn! 111-1112 Lois? Damn!! 111-1113 Lois? Damn!!! Y2K is coming and is gonna destroy the world! NOOOOOOO!!! silly rabbit trix are for kids i have all the things you wanted for christmas in the basement earings? a monkey? a dead lois? i would like a warm towel and an in flight happy meal. and no pickles!!!! god help you if i find pickles. what are they paying you? ill double it. what do u want? money, women.......men? You know mother, as Helen Hayes once said: Im going to KILL YOU! i loooooove chocalate. but i cant eat it, cause ill get FAT...but its soo good either there watching batman or doing the do see peter a hangover is natures way of telling you i was right i cant go to my room cause theres an evil monkey in my closet Well I'd love to stay and chat with you, but you're a total bitch Damn you vile woman, you've impeded my work since the day I escaped your vile womb! But Dad, I heard that if you use tanning beds you could get something called melanoma Aw, thats just fancy talk for sexyfied so, where did the angel touch you? *points to penis on doll* WHO YOU GONNA BELIEVE I HAVE A FREACKIN HALO!!! that was strangley erotic *window slams on quagmires penis* OWW *dials 911* yea 911, yea its quagmire, yea its in a window this time And now for Blackie's weather forecast IT GON' RAIN! Thanks Blackie Hello, is your refridgerator running? Cause if it is it runs just like you, very homosexually. Host: alright, nancy! What did your husband say when we asked him "what would be the last thing he ever gave to you"? woman: a little spending money *laughter* *the guy holds up a sign, it says "The Antidote" woman: Roger? What does this.... *she dies* Bill Cosby: ok, now can you tell us all what happened? Little girl: well, first there was this big man, and he did all these bad things! bill cosby: can you describe this man? girl: well, he was big, and had short hair... and a big bad doodie head! bill cosby: A BIG BAD DOODIE HEAD?!?! HAHAHAHAHHAHA Doctor- mr.mayor you have linphoma Mayor-oh dear Doctor-probably from rolling around in that toxic waste. Mayor-Yes Doctor-What in God's name were you trying to prove? Mayor-I was trying to obtain super powers Doctor-Well that's just silly Mayor-Silly yes idiotic yes I felt guitly once, but she woke up half way through *peter is in a cafeteria* *women approaches* woman- excuseme, wuts ur name? *peter looks around for a name, sees a pea* peter- pea... *sees a tear from a girls eye* peter- ter.. *sees a griffin fly through the cafetiria* peter- griffin, peter griffin! Peter: Make like Siamese twins and split... and then one of you die. Peter: Wow, that Lois is some kinda woman. Quagmire: Yeah, just thinkin' about her makes my testicles wanna drop. Ooh, speak of the devil. Ooh, make that the devils. Tom: Huh, get used to this sight, Diane; guys running away from you. Diane: Tom, you're so deep in the closet you're finding Christmas presents. Peter: I'm gonna go microwave a bagel and have sex with it. Quagmire: Butter's in the fridge! It's seven o'clock and you still have your pants on...what's the occasion? What did you promise you wouldn't do? Drink at the bachelor party. And what did you do? Drank at the...oh hoho alomost got me. Brian- They're eating asian reporter Trisha Takanawa Peter- That's crazy...they're just gonna be hungry again in 10 minutes Hey lois ohh the lost my job smells great! meg can u pass the canned my ass for neglagence? peter are u feelin alright? i feel great! i havent got a job in the world! Lois- Open your mouth so the plane can come in Stewie- Damn you, Damn the brocolli, and Damn the Wright Brothers Lois- It wont go away because you dont like them Stewie- Then my mission becomes clear, the brocolli, must DIE Brian: My therapist says i'm in love. Peter: OH MY GOD! You can talk!! stewie- tomorrows forecast, a sprinkle of genius and a chance of DOOM! i have a present for you mother...want a hint? it's in my diaper and it's not a toaster hey peter, my thingy went off..is your themastat okay? Women are not people. There are devices created by the Lord Jesus Christ for our entertainment. Here ya go Tom Selick. NO! Bad Higgins! You've had yours! Trying to steal Tom Sellick's food. Blackguy: You do NOT use that word! That is our word! Peter's relative: I'm sorry I thought it was your name. Blackguy: That is OUR word, You have no right using it. Peter's relative: ...Can you pass the oar N word Jim? Blackguy: Thank you. Peter: You're telling me that I flew all the way to kentucky and the kernel isn't even working today!? Redneck: He reelly deed. Peter: ...What!? Redneck: He deed. Peter: ...Is Mr. Sanders in today!? Redneck: What's wrong? I say you he deed! Peter:...THE KERNEL!!? How bout a little less questions and a little more shut the hell up!!! Peter: (has to draw a naked guy in artclass) Am I suppose to draw his penis? Peter: (while sculpting a naked guy) Am I suppose to sculpt his penis? Peter: (while conducting a musical) Am I suppose to conduct with my penis? Stewie: Isn't it funny how they say "Life is like a box of chocolates"? Well in your case, dear mother, like it like a box of ACTIVE GRENADES!! Peter: I don't want your mom to worry alright? When she worries she starts saying things like 'I told you so' or 'Stop doing that I'm asleep' hey dont i get a chumbawumba song? fine *plays flute* chumbawumba *kicks in the chin* AHHHHHH......AHHHHHH......AHHHHHH stewie- you have ultra sensitive hearing what am i saying *mouths fuck you* brian- im telling Stewie: no, no, i said vacume!!! Lois: Peter, its 4 in the morning. Brian: Thanks for the update, Big Ben. Peter: Nice. Lois: Are you drunk? Peter: No, I'm just exhausted because I've been up all night drinkin'. Old woman on the street: Help someone stole my purse! Peter: Who cares, I don't even know you. *Lois is cooking in the kitchen and Stewie is in his Highchair* Stewie: My God Lois, If you were cooking any slower, well....then you wouldn't be cooking very fast at all now would you?!....Wait, that was horrible. Let me try again. My God, if you were cooking any slower, you wouldn't need an egg-timer, you would need an egg CALENDER! Hahah! Oh yes, I went there." Lois: Peter! You're bribing your daughter with a car? Peter: Ah, c'mon, Lois, isn't 'bribe' just another word for 'love'? Peter: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says 'OOO'. Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios. It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on tv. But where are those good ol fashion values on which we used to rely!!!!!! Lucky theres a family guy lucky theres a man who positively can do all the things that make us laugh and cry!! he's a family guy!!!!! You'll get chills all through your body, and you'll lose all control, of your bladder and your sphincter, That's your butt-hole! Cause if you use toad, then I'm telling you, you can kiss your life good-bye. Yeah, when you use toad, It'll mess you up. It'll make your mama cry, that's no lie. You'll choke on your tongue and die. Gotta give it up (Give up the toad now) It's no joke, buddy give it up (Gotta give up the toad now) Or you'll croack, buddy give it up (Gotta give up the toad now) And don't smoke, or you'll see, it hurts to pee. There'll be blood gushing from you, every time that you cough. And forget getting lucky, it falls off. You better wise up, because I'm telling you, toad is what Lando forbids. Gotta give it all up, or you're gonna see, your whole life will hit the skids, and your kids will be born without eyelids. Gotta give it up (Give up the toad now) Thanks to you, Lando, Give it up Give up the toad now Thanks to you, Lando, Give it up (Gotta give up the toad now) I'm no fool, Lando's cool. Yeah! Can�t touch me Can�t touch me Ja ja ja ja Just like the bad guy From Lethal Weapon 2 I�ve got diplomatic immunity So hamma you can�t sew I can write graffiti Even j-walk in the street I can riot, loop, not give a hoot And touch your sister�s tit Can�t touch me Can�t touch me -What in God�s name is he doing? Can�t touch me -I believe that�s the worm. Stop! Peter time I�m a big shot There�s no doubt Light a fire, then pee it out Don�t like it? Kiss my rump Just for a minute Let�s all do the bump Can�t touch me Yeah, do the Peter Griffin Bump Can�t touch me I�m Presidential Peter Interns think I�m hot Don�t care if you�re handicapped I�ll still park in your spot I�ve been around the world From Harford to Back Bay It�s Peter Go Peter It�s Peter Go Peter Let�s see Regis rap this way Can�t touch me Peter: Nothing else has worked so far, So I�ll wish upon a star, Wondrous sparkling speck of light, I need a Jew... Lois makes me take the rap, �Cause our checkbook looks like crap, Since I can't give her a slap, I need a Jew... Where to find A bum or stien or stein To teach me how to whine And do my taxes... Though by many they're abhorred, Hebrew people I�ve adored, Even though they killed my lord, I need a Jew! Max: Hi, my name's Max Weinstein, my car just broke down, can I use you phone? Peter: Now my troubles are all through I have a Jew! Max: Hey! MB: We Only Live to Kiss Your Ass! Butler: Kiss it? Oh, We'll even wipe in for you!** MB: From here on in it's easy street! Peter: Any bars on that street?** Butler: 24 happy hours a day.** Peter: Oh Boy!** MB: We'll stop your holders at the gate! Guard: Can i see that panflit, sir?** *Punch* Holder: Ow!** Peter: My God, This house is freakin' sweet! Chef 1: I make bunch, Clyde cooks lunch, Chef 1 & 2: Each and Everyday! Chef 2: Chocolate Cake, Oluvake! Peter: 100 bucks, Blake is gay! *Note: Error, Chef .2's name is somehow Clyde and Blake in the song, or there 2 different people?* MB: We'll do the best we can with Meg! Meg: Are you saying I'm ugly?** Maid: It doesn't matter, dear, your rich now!** MB: We'll do your nails and rub your feet! Lois: Oh, thats not nessa- Oh My!** MB: We'll do your homework every night! Chris: It's really hard!** Butler: That's why we got that Steven Hawking, guy.** Peter: My God, This house is freakin' sweet! -------------------------------Peter's solo----------------------- Used to pass lots of gas! Lois ran away! Now we got 30 rooms! Hello beans! Goodbye spray! ------------------------------------------------------------------- MB: We'ed*** take a bullet just for you! Stewie: Oh what a coadincedince***, I've got one!** Lois: Stewie!** *** not sure if We'ed is a real word, and coadincedince is spelled wrong. MB: Prepare to suck that golden tea! Now that your stinking rich, We'll gladly be your bitch! Peter: My God, This house is... MB and Peter: Freakin' Swee~eet! MB: Welcome!** Non singing part----------------------------------------- Maid: Thats a wrap people, now lets get the hell outta here! Peter: Hey! Wait a second! Where ya going? Maid: The old bag only paid us up through the song. Lois: Well, we can just pick up after ourselfs. After all well just be here on the weekends... Peter: No, no Lois! It's time you start living like the Pecersmit (Piece-er-shmit) you are! Lois: That's Putersmit... Peter: W- Wait! You guys, You guys! Your all hired to be full time Griffion servents! Lois: Peter, Where are we going to get the money to pay all these people? Peter: Simple... I... uh... sold our house in Quharg*** *** Not sure if spelled right... Lois: You sold our home?!? Peter: Suprise! Lois: Peter, how could you?!? Peter: Whoops... Non singing part over-------------------------------------- Singing Part------------------------------------------------ Peter: I reconize that tone! Tonight, I sleep alone! But still this... MB and Peter: house is freakin' swee~eet! Both- You and I are So awfully different Too awfully different To ever be pals Stewie- *Do you want to go first?* Brian- *Yeah I�ll go* Brian- Your favorite hero is the Marquee de Sad Stewie- *Oh you're one to talk, * You get a stiffy from Phylicia Rashad Brian- *Oh one time* Stewie- I�ve a style flair, just look at my hip hair Brian- *Oh yeah, that�s quite a nice do there* Stewie- *Oh thanks* Brian- *FOR ME TO POOP ON* Stewie- *What?* Brian- *Oh come on you look like Charlie brown* Stewie- *Bite me snoopy* Both- Theres not, A whole lot, That weve got To agree on Brian- �Cause I like the strains of a classical score Stewie- And I like that singer who looks like a whore Brian- *Rickie Martin?* Stewie- *Luv� �em.* Both- Were too different to ever be pals Both- You and I are (doo doo doop) So awfully different (doo doo doop) Too awfully different (doo doo doop) To ever be pals (doo doo doo doo doo doo dooyadoo doop) Brian- Your head�s as massive as a meteorite Stewie- *Oh very funny, * You have a weenie like a Christmas tree light Brian- I�d bet money You�ll marry a honey Who�s pretty and funny And her name will be Ted Stewie- *Oh a gay joke* Brian- *I just work with what you give me* Brian- Because you get a kick out of carnage and guts Stewie- And you get a kick out of stroking your- Brian- *Whoa, whoa, you can�t say that on T.V.* Stewie- *What, ego?* Brian- *Nevermind* Both- We�re too different to ever be pals!
The Simpons
[Apu is shot] Apu: Ah. The searing kiss of hot lead; how I missed you. I mean, I think I'm dying. [after Milhouse moves out of town, Skinner and Willie are shocked to learn that Bart and Lisa have become best friends] Groundskeeper Willie: It won't last. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies. Like Englishmen and Scots! Or Welshmen and Scots! Or Japanese and Scots! Or Scots and other Scots! Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland! Principal Skinner: You Scots sure are a contentious people. Groundskeeper Willie: You just made an enemy for life! Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7:26. "The foolish man who built his house upon the sand." Homer: [pointing a finger] And you remember [thinks] Homer: Matthew... 21:17. Reverend Lovejoy: [confused] "And he left them and went out of the city, into Bethany, and he lodged there?" Homer: Yeah. Think about it. [after writing a death threat to Bart in blood, Bob starts writing another letter with his bleeding finger] Sideshow Bob: "Dear 'Life in These United States,' a funny thing happened to me..." [as his finger bleeds freely, he sways, woozy, and collapses onto the desk] Snake: Use a pen, Sideshow Bob. Marge: I have a responsibility to raise these children right and, unless you change, I'll have to tell them their father is... well, wicked. Homer: [to Lisa and Bart] Kids, let me tell you about another so-called wicked guy. He had long hair, and some wild ideas, and he didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was... [thinks] Homer: I forget. But the point is... [thinks] Homer: I forget that, too. [to Marge] Homer: Marge, you know who I'm talking about! He used to drive that blue car. Bleedin' Gums Murphy: Then there was the time I guest-starred on "The Cosby Show". Cliff Huxtable: Kids, this is your Grandpa Murphy. Rudy Huxtable: But we've got three grandpas already. Cliff Huxtable: This one's the famous jazz musician. Rudy Huxtable: Ah, they all are. Cliff Huxtable: Oh,oh-oh! You see, the kids these days, they listen to the rap music, which gives them the brain damage. With the hippin' and the hoppin' and the bippin' and the boppin', they don't know what the jazz is all about. Y'see, jazz is like Jello pudding... no, that's not it. Jazz is like Kodak film... no, that's not right neither. I've got it, jazz is like the new Coke - it'll be around forever. Bleedin' Gums Murphy: Sigh. Homer Simpson: Bart's teacher's name is Krabappel? I've been calling her Crandall! Homer: You in charge here? Mr. Burns: Yes. Smithers: I'll call security sir. Homer: If you want the kind of employee that takes abuse I'm your man. You can treat me like dirt and I'll still kiss your butt and call it ice cream. Mr. Burns: Hold the phone Smithers. I like the cut of your jib. Smithers: But sir this man not only failed the aptitude test he got trapped in a closet on his way out. Mr. Burns: I don't care. I haven't been this impressed since a young bootlick named Waylon Smithers. Homer: You mean? Mr. Burns: Son you're hired. What's your name? Homer: Homer Simpson. Mr. Burns: Simpson eh? I'll remember that name. Homer: WHOO HOO! Only in America could I get a job. Lisa: Dad, do you know what Schadenfreude is? Homer: No, I don't know what "shaden-frawde" is. [sarcastic] Homer: Please tell me, because I'm dying to know. Lisa: It's a German term for "shameful joy", taking pleasure in the suffering of others. Homer: Oh, come on Lisa. I'm just glad to see him fall flat on his butt! [getting mad] Homer: He's usually all happy and comfortable, and surrounded by loved ones, and it makes me feel... What's the opposite of that shameful joy thing of yours? Lisa: Sour grapes. Homer: Boy, those Germans have a word for everything! Lenin Zombie: Must crush capitalism! Groundskeeper Willie: Ach Wendel. Tis a mighty puddle of puke. Wendel: I'm sorry. Groundskeeper Willie: That's all right lad. You reminded me of why I got into this work in the first place. Homer: [playing basketball] You da man Carl! I believe you can fly! Carl: You know I'm so sick of peope thinking I'm good at basketball just cause I'm African-American. Carl: [Carl slam-dunks the ball; breaking the backboard] Go Carl! Go Carl! It's ma birthday! It's ma birthday! 3P you got mail baby! Bart: Hey, Lis. I think I got your lunch. [He hands Lisa a note from his lunch bag: "I Am Very Proud Of You"] Lisa: Oh yeah, I didn't think this was mine. [She hands Bart a note from her lunch bag: "Be Good. For The Love Of God, Please Be Good"] Herman: When he leaves the Kwik-E-Mart, we start the saturation bombing. You got the water balloons? Bart: Two hundred rounds, sir. Is it okay if they say "Happy Birthday" on the side? Herman: Well, I'd rather they say, "Death From Above," but I guess we're stuck. [Homer gets shot with a tranquilizer dart] Bart: Dad! Oh, Dad! Homer: Avenge me, son. Avenge my death. [starts snoring loudly] Bart: Uh, ma'am, what if you're a really good person but you're in a really, really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene and has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for you in heaven? Sunday School Teacher: For the last time, Bart, yes! Krusty the Clown: Hand over all your money in a paper bag! Apu: Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know. Bart: I know Krusty's innocent, and I think I can prove it. But I need your help. Lisa: You do? Why? Bart: Oh, come on, you know why. Lisa: No, why? Bart: I'll never forgive you for making me say this, but... you're smarter than me. [browsing the card catalog] Lisa: Let's see, Golf... Anecdotes... Eisenhower and... Fashion... Humor... Japanese Obsession With... Ah, here it is: Putting. Bart: Hey, Lis, what do you call those guys in chess that don't matter? Lisa: Well, a blockaded bishop is of little value, but I think you're referring to a pawn. Bart: Right, I am a pawn. [preparing for the big miniature golf tournament] Lisa: Eighth hole. Bart: Aim for the octopus's third tentacle. Lisa: Twelfth hole. Bart: Bank it off the pink tombstone. Lisa: Nirvana. Bart: A state of bliss attained through the extinction of the self. Lisa: Bart, having never received any words of encouragement myself, I'm not sure how they're supposed to sound. But here goes: I believe in you. Bart: Thanks, man. Lawyer: Your Honor, my client has instructed me to remind the court how rich and important he is, and that he is not like other men. Mr. Burns: I should be able to run over as many kids as I want! [the lawyer asks Marge's opinion of Dr. Riviera's competence] Marge: I'm sorry, but my mother said, if you can't say anything nice about someone, you shouldn't say anything at all. Homer: [whispering] Will that hold up in court? Lionel Hutz: No, I've tried it. [Marge suggests they go out for sushi] Bart: Sushi? Maybe this is just something one hears on the playground, but isn't that raw fish? Lisa: As usual, the playground has the facts right, but misses the point entirely. [the TV image is shaky] Homer: Time for Dr. TV to perform a little surgery. [he hits the TV, and the picture goes fuzzy] Bart: Looks like you lost the patient, Doc. Principal Skinner: Gentlemen, according to my sources, you are planning to simultaneously drop your pencils at 2:15 this afternoon. Do so, and you will be suspended. Grampa: I miss Bea. [Bea's ghost appears next to him] Beatrice Simmons: I miss you, too. [Grampa screams] Beatrice Simmons: Oh, Abraham, calm down, I'm not here to scare you. They've got me haunting a family in Texas. Grampa: Well, I'm glad you're keeping busy. [at an amusement park, Grandpa is visited by the ghost of his girlfriend] Grampa: Hey, Bea, I've got to ask you: what was death like? [the roller coaster reaches the top] Beatrice Simmons: Not as scary as this! Doctor: Mrs. Simpson, I'm sorry, but your husband suffers from a persecution complex, extreme paranoia, and... bladder hostility. Marge: Doctor, if you just talk to him for five minutes without mentioning our son Bart, you'd see how sane he is. Doctor: You mean there really is a Bart? Good lord! Marge: Bart, don't use the Touch of Death on your sister. Bart: AAH! You ate my homework?... I didn't know dogs really did that. Principal Skinner: The year was 1968. We were on recon in a steaming Mekong delta. An overheated private removed his flack jacket, revealing a T-shirt with an ironed-on sporting the MAD slogan "Up with Mini-skirts!". Well, we all had a good laugh, even though I didn't quite understand it. But our momentary lapse of concentration allowed "Charlie" to get the drop on us. I spent the next three years in a POW camp, forced to subsist on a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk, and four kinds of rice. I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States, but they just can't get the spices right! [Homer is in a burlesque house. He sees a photograph of President Dwight D. Eisenhower sitting down with two dancers on either side] Homer Simpson: [reading the caption] "President Eisenhower celebrates 40th wedding anniversary. Not pictured: Mrs. Eisenhower." [President Bush has put up a poster on the front of the house with crudely drawn pictures of Homer and Bart on it. It reads 'Two Bad Neighbours'] Dr. Julius Hibbert: [confused] I don't understand. Are you saying you and Barbara are bad neighbours? George Bush: [annoyed] No, its not Bar and me. It's them! [Bush points at the Simpsons' house] Ned Flanders: Who, Maude and me? George Bush: No, the man and his boy. Ya know. The boy is named Bart. I don't know the name of the man. [calls in to his wife, Barbara] George Bush: Bar, what's the name of the man? Barbara Bush: [calling out to George] I'm not getting involved, George! [Lisa is worried about her science project] Homer: Lisa, all you need is a little help from your dad. Lisa: Well, we're supposed to do this without parental help. Homer: Sweetie, that's orphan talk. Rod Flanders: Are you jealous of Brother Homer? Ned Flanders: Maybe just a little bit. Rod Flanders: I'm jealous of girls 'cause they get to wear dresses. Ned Flanders: One problem at a time, boy. Homer: We're here, we're Queer, and we don't want any more bears! Marge: Homer! That side of bacon was for my bridge game tonight! Homer: Marge, if you don't mind, I'm a little busy right now achieving financial independence. Marge: With cans of grease? Homer: [sarcastically] No! Through savings and wise investment. Of course with grease. Principal Skinner: [over the intercom] Attention please, I need a volunteer for a thankless chore. [Lisa raises her hand] Principal Skinner: Shall I assume the only hand in the air is Lisa Simpson? Thank you, Lisa. Homer: Okay, boy. This is where all the hard work, sacrifice, and painful scaldings pay off. Employee: Four pounds of grease... that comes to... sixty-three cents. Homer: Woo-hoo! Bart: Dad, all that bacon cost twenty-seven dollars. Homer: Yeah, but your mom paid for that! Bart: But doesn't she get her money from you? Homer: And I get my money from grease! What's the problem? Homer: It's true, I'm a rageoholic! I just can't get enough RAGEOHOL! [cries] Homer: [Counting to himself] Hey Marge what were your gambling losses last year? Marge: $700. Homer: Let's see I'll have an IRSwich with-hold the lettuce, two independent sized shakes and a fudgichino. Employee: Fill out schedule b. You should receive your burgers in six to eight weeks. Homer: [Homer muttering to himself] Hey Marge. What were your gambling losses last year? Marge: $700. Bart: Bart no like. Bad medicine Chief Wiggum: I want to hallucinate, too! Homer: What are you two laughing at? And if you say Jimmy Fallon, I'll know you're lying! Father Sean: [recalling what St. Peter said to him] Sean, you wanker, repent of your sins or sod off. Reverend Lovejoy: [to Father Sean] back off, Popey Le Pew! Lisa: Dad, look! Lisa: [Holds TV up] Homer: Television! Teacher, mother... Homer: [lustily] ... secret lover. Urge to kill... fading... fading... fading - rising! Fading... fading... gone. [Family sighs] Homer: Come, family. sit in the snow with daddy and let us all bask in TV's warm glowing warming glow. [Hours later, everyone is frozen] man introducing Tony Awards: [on TV] Live, from Broadway, it's the Tony Awards, with your hosts Tyne Daly and Hal Linden! Bart: [With difficulty] Homer... change channel. Homer: Can't! frozen! [music on TV: "One chorus line of people..."] Homer: [Family screams] Homer: Urge to kill... rising... Lisa: Can we pass out Valentines now Miss Hoover? Miss Hoover: No list. First we're going to cut out and assmble these cardboard mailboxes for everyone to pass them out in. Lisa: But that sounds like it's just mindless busy work! Miss Hoover: Bingo. Start cracking. Bart: Mom, am I a butch or a femme? Marge: [with hand lifted] Honey, you can be anything you want to be. Bart: [after they watch a foreign film] I was so bored I cut the pony tail off the guy in front of us. [holds pony tail to his head] Bart: Look at me, I'm a grad student. I'm 30 years old and I made $600 last year. Marge: Bart, don't make fun of grad students. They've just made a terrible life choice. Ned Flanders: I wish we lived in a place more like the America of yesteryear that only exists in the brains of us Republicans. Marge: [to Bart] Now we have to find another school for you. Homer: And if you get kicked out of that one, you're going straight in the army, where you'll be sent straight to America's latest military quagmire. Where will it be? North Korea? Iran? Anything's possible with Commander Cuckoo-Bananas in charge. Lisa: That's Latin dad; the language of Plutarche. Homer: Mickey Mouse's dog? Homer: [after Homer confesses his sins] Woohoo! I'm clean! In your face, lord! Father Sean: Not quite, Mr. Simpson. I can only absolve you if you're a Catholic. Homer: Riiiiight. And how do I join? Do I whale on some Unitarians? Homer: [counting to himself] Hey, Marge, what were your gambling losses last year? Marge: $700. Redneck Matt Groening: [notices he's being filmed drinking Tequila shots behind his desk] [shouts, heavily accented] Redneck Matt Groening: Get out of my office! [fires a six-shooter twice] Grampa: [banging a slipper against a pot in a state of senility] [shouts] Grampa: The Swedish are coming! The Swedish are coming! [Tom Brady is riding a scooter down the football field] Tom Brady: [shouts] Everyone sucks but me! Marge: Homer, have you been licking frogs again ? Homer Simpson: I've not NOT been licking frogs Michelle Kwan: Beware the wrath of Kwan! Tim Allen: I did it! I supercharged my ride on! [makes a revving noise] Tim Allen: [hits the reverse pedal, runs over Wilson] Oh, no! Wilson?s dead! I guess it's back to jail for me! [continues making a revving noise] Homer: D'oh! Homer: D'oh! Lisa: A deer! Marge: A female deer! Homer Simpson: Sometimes, Marge, you just have to go with your gut. Marge: You *always* go with your gut. How about for once you listen to your brain? Marge: [The Simpsons are touring Toronto, Canada] So, I see you drive on the left up here. Tour Guide: No, ma'am. I'm drunk. Homer: [deadly serious] I've got two questions. One, where's the fife? Two, give me the fife. Bart: Can I have a beer? Homer: All right, but not the imported. Marge: Homer! Homer: You've got to set limits, Marge. Grampa: We're the baddest punks in our age bracket! Kent Brockman: A new mood is in the air in Springfield, as refreshing as a pre-moistened towelette. Folks are finally accepting their feelings and really communicating with no holding back. And this reporter thinks it's about *beep*ing time! Homer: Bart, with 10,000 dollars we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things, like... love! Mr. Burns: Oh, so mother nature needs a favor? Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys. Lisa: So many times we've watched our father go under the knife. Marge: One more and I get a free hysterectomy! Milhouse: Mrs. Krabappel, how will we know when we fall in love? Mrs. Krabappel: Oh, don't worry children. Most of you will *never* fall in love, but will marry out of fear of dying alone! Bart: You're *darn* right I'm upset! Marge: Bart, watch your language! Oh... I guess you did. Daycare center leader: Mrs. Simpson... do you know what a child is saying when it's reaching for the bottle? Marge: ... Baba? Narrator: Quoth the raven... Bart: Eat my shorts! Homer: D'oh! Grampa: [to Homer] Make me proud... or at least less ashamed. [At the Flanders's beach house, after spotting Lisa's friends pasting seashells onto his car] Homer Simpson: Sweet merciful crap! My car! Lisa: I can believe you're just going to let your daughter live in a world where this... THIS is their role-model. Marge: I had a Malibu Stacy doll when I was little and I turned out all right. Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream. Malibu Stacy Voice: [Lisa pulls on Malibu Stacy's string] Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream. [Marge murmurs] Lisa: That's it I'm calling the company. Homer: [after Barney has been missing for two months] Barney, where have you been? Barney: All I can remember about the last two months, is giving a guest lecture at Villanova. Or maybe it was a street corner. Barney: How long is this going to take? Bart: About twenty-two minutes and five seconds. [the average length of an episode without the commercials] Bart: Milhouse. You were supposed to be the night watchman. Milhouse: I was watching. I saw the whole thing. First it started falling over, then it fell over. Bart: Wow, I wonder where all the rats are going to go... [the rats run over to Moe's] Moe: All right, everybody tuck your pants into your socks. [Praying heavenward] Homer: I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman! Homer: I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell? Comic Book Guy: Stop right there! I have the only working fazer ever built. It was fired only once to keep William Shatner from making another album. Bart: That ain't been popular than aught-six, dag-nab it! Homer Simpson: What did I tell you? Bart: No talking like a grizzled 1890s prospector. Consarn it. Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, you're in luck. Your sexual harassment suit is exactly what I need to help rebuild my shattered practice. Care to join me in a belt of scotch? Marge: It's 9:30 in the morning. Lionel Hutz: Yeah, but I haven't slept in days. Lisa: I still believe in protecting animal's rights, but that still doesn't excuse what I did. I'm sorry for wrecking your barbecue, dad. Homer: That's okay, honey. I used to believe in things too. Marge: There's no shame in being a pariah. [On working at the DMV] Patty: Some days we don't let the line move at all. Selma: Yeah, we call those WEEKdays. Homer: Marge, please, old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use. Marge: Homer, would you please stop reading that Ross Perot pamphlet? Kent Brockman: I've said it before, and I'll say it again: democracy simply doesn't work. Bart: I've said it before, and I'll say it again... aye carumba! Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet? Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but man... [laughs hysterically] Homer: So to answer your question, I don't know. Lisa: As you know, we've been swimming. And we've developed a taste for it. We both agree that getting our own pool is the way to go. Now before you respond, you must understand that your refusal would result in months and months of... Lisa, Bart: CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? Homer: I understand. Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk. Homer: Alcohol, the cause of and solution to all life's problems. Billy Corgan: Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins. Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely. Lou: I went to the McDonald's over in Shelbyville the other day. Chief Wiggum: The Mc-what? Lou: Yeah, I never heard of it either but they say they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone. Eddie: Hmm... Must've sprung up over night. Lou: But you know, it's the little differences. Chief Wiggum: Example. Lou: Well, at a McDonald's you can get a Krusty Burger with cheese. But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese. Chief Wiggum: Get out. What do they call it? Lou: A "Quarter Pounder" with cheese. Chief Wiggum: "Quarter Pounder" with cheese? Well, I can see the cheese but� do they have Krusty's "Partially Gelatinated, Non-Dairy, Gum-Based Beverages"? Lou: Yeah, they call them "shakes." Eddie: Huh. "Shakes." You don't know what you're gettin'. Krusty the Clown: This I don't need. Tony Hawk: I hope you don't mind living below a bunch of pro skaters that like to party. Bart: I'll adjust. Tony Hawk: Hey, blink-182. Thomas DeLonge: We have names, you know. Tony Hawk: Whatever. You can crank it up. Mark Hoppus: Dude, let's trash this place. Travis Barker: *After* we get paid. Mark Hoppus: Nice! Homer: [gets a package that has to be sent out but returns it to Mr. Burn's office] Here's your package, Mr. Burns! Mr. Burns: My name is the return address! Smithers, who is this nincompoop? Homer: [thinking] I've worked here for 10 years and my boss doesn't even know my name! Well, that's going to change right now! Homer: My name is Homer J. Simp... [Homer gets hit on the head with a weight that says 1000 Grams] Mr. Burns: Hm, sounded large when I ordered it. I don't think I should bother with these metric booby traps! Snake: Don't worry Gloria, I'll win you back even if I have to beat this guy to death. Gloria: Snake, beating a man to a bloody pulp isn't going to impress me! Snake: It used to! What if I beat him harder? Gloria: Ugh! You sooo don't get it! Apu: Ooh! Okay don't try anything funny. I'm armed to the teeth. Lisa: Hey look at this Bart: So? I don't have a pacemaker. Bart: Don't you remember the get well card we sent to Krusty? It was after his heart attack. When he had a pacemaker put in. Look at this. Bart: Okay so the poor guy can't read. Can't we get off of his back already? Lisa: How can Krusty read the Springfield Review of Books if he can't read? Apu: Hey! This is NOT a lending library. If you're not going to buy that thing put it back or I'll blow your heads off. RV salesman: [showing Homer an extremely used RV] Mr. Simpson, you'll never own a better RV than this; and I don't mean that in a good way. This is it for you, buddy; this is the best you can afford. [after discovering Dr. Bushnell's illegal diamond mining operation, Lisa examines the scientist's research] Lisa: These are just pictures of monkeys from famous movies! This is disgraceful, Doctor! Dr. Bushwell: All right! So I snapped! You don't understand the crushing loneliness and greed. [Homer goes to the plant credit union to get a loan to buy Lisa a pony] Homer: Uh, I'd like to borrow $5,000. Bank Clerk: Sorry, I can't approve a loan that size myself. [she walks off; Mr. Burns and Smithers appear] Mr. Burns: Hello. Homer: Aah! Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? How can I help you? Homer: Mr. Burns, you do this personally? Mr. Burns: Oh, it's a hobby. I'm not in this for any personal gain, heavens no! By the way, are you acquainted with our state's stringent usury laws? Homer: Us-ury? Mr. Burns: Oh, silly me! I must have just made up a word that doesn't exist. Now, what is the purpose of this loan? Homer: I want to buy a pony. Mr. Burns: Isn't that cute! Smithers, he's planning on joining the horsey set! [lowers voice] Mr. Burns: That is it, isn't it? You're not planning to eat it? Homer: No, I need to get it for my little girl because she doesn't love me any more... Smithers: Shut up, Simpson. Homer: Sorry. Smithers: Do you have any collateral? Mr. Burns: Oh Smithers, let's not be so cold. His spirit is my collateral. Just sign this form, and the money will be yours. Mr. Burns: [as Homer begins to sign, Burns starts laughing evilly] Mr. Burns: Sorry, I was just, um, thinking of something funny Smithers did today. Smithers: I didn't do anything funny, sir. Mr. Burns: [whispering] Shut up! Chief Wiggum: [watching lottery drawing, phone rings] No... sorry, you have the wrong number, this is 912. Homer: Marge there's something that I want to ask you but I'm afraid because if you say no it will destroy me and make me a criminal. Marge: Well, I haven't said no to you yet have I? Homer: Marge... Oh dammit. Marge: What's wrong? Homer: Oh I wrote down what I wanted to say on a card. The stupid thing must have fallen out of my pocket. [horn honking] Marge: Is this it? Homer: Yeah what does it say? Marge: Marge, from the moment I met you I never wanted to be with anyone else. I have nothing to offer you except all of my love. Will you marry me? Homer: That's it. Give it here. Marge: Oh Homer. This is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me. Homer: So will you marry me? Marge: Yes. Homer: Whoo Hoo! She's going to marry me. In your face everyone. Marge: [Marge has entered a demolition derby] Don't hit me! I'm not like you people, I'm loved! Ned Flanders: Now remember, the instant you finish it, I own your soul for... [Homer has already scarfed the donut] Homer: Hey, wait. If I don't finish this last bite, you don't get my soul, do you? Ned Flanders: Well, technically no, but... Homer: I'm smarter than the Devil. I'm smarter than the Dev... [Flanders turns into a huge demon] Ned Flanders: You are not smarter than me. i'll see you in hell yet, Homer Simpson. [Krusty is trying to talk Sideshow Mel into quitting his job a fast-food joint] Krusty the Clown: But you gotta come back, Mel! We're a team! Sideshow Mel: No, Krusty, you always treated me rather shabbily. On our last show, you poured liquid nitrogen down my pants, and cracked my buttocks with a hammer! Krusty the Clown: Ah, come on. You wanna spend your life hanging out with a bunch of dorky teenagers? Squeeky-Voiced Teen: Here's your taco, Mister. Whoops. It fell in the fryer. I'll get it out. Ow! Ow! Ow-w-w! Ow-w-w! Sideshow Mel: Sorry Krusty, I like it here. Mr. Johansen treats me with dignity. Mr. Johansen: Is this clown bothering you, Mel? Sideshow Mel: It's all right, Mr. Johansen, I'll handle it. Squeeky-Voiced Teen: Here's your taco, sir. Krusty the Clown: I don't want it! Squeeky-Voiced Teen: But this comes out of my salary! If I had a girlfriend, she'd kill me. Sideshow Bob: Because you need me, Springfield. Your guilty conscience may move you to vote Democratic, but deep down you long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king. That's why I did this, to save you from yourselves. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a city to run. [the Simpsons are housesitting at Mr. Burns' mansion. They are eating dinner at Mr. Burns' oversized dinner table] Marge: This all seems a little elaborate for Sloppy Joes. I know what the other 12 forks are for, but I don't know what to do with this one. Homer: Why Marge my dear, I believe you are supposed to scratch your ass with it. Marge: Homer! [scratches rear with fork] Marge: Ooh... Robot 1: Hey, these cards are mine. [table falls] Robot 2: Now look what you've done. Robot 1: I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me. Robot 3: Let's forget this whole thing happened. Homer: What the heck is this, a tea party? Somebody kill somebody. [Homer smashes a bottle on a robot's head. The robots begin to shoot Homer, who dives under a table] Marge: What is it with you and robots? Lisa's Brain: They're only using you for your pool, you know. Lisa: Shut up, brain! I got friends now, I don't need you anymore. Milhouse: Bart, I don't want you to see me cry. Bart: Aw come on, I've seen you cry a million times. You cry when you scrape your knee, you cry when we're out of chocolate milk, you cry when you're doing long division and you have a remainder left over. Milhouse: Well, I didn't want you to see me cry THIS time. Milhouse: [while leading Bart into a cave] This is where I come to cry. [Krusty the Klown cast members are eating lunch] Sideshow Mel: BAH! There's cheese in this sandwich. Surely you know I'm lactose intolerant. Bart: Sorry! Sideshow Mel: Sorry? Do you know how sick this is going to make me? Oh boy! Come stand outside the bathroom. I want to yell at you some more... [Mel yells from inside the bathroom] Sideshow Mel: WHY YOU LITTLE RAPSCALLION! Bart: Show business sucks. I'm outta here. Homer: I don't need your pity or your money. [pockets money] Ron Howard: Usually when you say that, you give the money back. [Homer has been thrown out of an all-you-can-eat restaurant for eating too much] Lionel Hutz: This is the most blatant case of false advertising since my suit against the movie The Neverending Story. Homer: So, do you think I have a case? Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, I don't use the word 'hero' lightly, but you are the greatest hero in American history. Homer: Woohoo! Bart: Leonard Nimoy? What are you doing here? Leonard Nimoy: Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near. Bart: [flippantly] Uh-huh. Hot Dog Vendor: Hey Spock, what do you want on your hot dog? Leonard Nimoy: Surprise me. Mulder: Mr. Simpson, we want you to recreate your every move the night you saw the alien. Homer: The evening began at the gentlemen's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon. Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI. Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. Happy? [the Be-Sharps perform on a building rooftop] George Harrison: It's been done. Mr. Burns: A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow... and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner. Mark Hamill: Hey, pal, that's my face up there next to the pepper steak, and don't you forget it. Louie: You're all talk, Hamill. You never even finished Jedi school. Willy: [thinking] No, no, go easy on the wee one. His father's going to go crazy and chop 'em all into haggis. Bart: What's haggis? Willy: Boy, you read my thoughts! You've got the shinning! Bart: You mean shining. Willy: Shh! You want to get sued? Lisa: [about her state costume] I'm a monster! Homer: No, lisa, you're not a monster. The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother, and I call him Gamblor! We nust save your mother from his neon claws! [Flanders, a zombie, approaches Homer] Ned Flanders: Hey, Simpson. I'm feeling a might peckish. Mind if I chew your ear? [Homer kills Flanders by blasting his head apart with a shotgun] Bart: Dad! You killed the zombie Flanders. Homer: He was a zombie? [the Red Hot Chili Peppers are performing on Krusty's show] Krusty the Clown: Now, boys, the network has a problem with some of your lyrics. Do you mind changing them for the show? Anthony Kiedis: Forget it, you clown. Chad Smith: Yeah, our lyrics are like our children, man. No way. Krusty the Clown: Well, okay, but here where it says, "What I got you gotta get and put it in ya," how about just, "What I'd like is I'd like to hug and kiss ya." Flea: Wow. That's much better. Arik Marshall: Everyone can enjoy that. Kent Brockman: [after Michael Moore has given Kent a ridiculous statistic] Where did you get that statistic? Michael Moore: Your Mother! [TV executives want Homer for a TV ad about bald and impotent men] Homer: Well, I am bald and important! Homer: God bless those pagans. [George Washington appears in Lisa's dream, urging her to reveal the truth about the town's founder. Lisa wakes up yelling:] Lisa: I want to help you, George Washington. Bart: [walking by her room] "I want to help you... George Washington"? Man, even your dreams are square. Bart: As God is my witness, I CAN pass the fourth grade! Homer: And if you don't pass, you'll still be bigger than the other kids. Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel. Mr. Burns: You're fired. Marge: You can't fire me just because I'm married. I'm gonna sue the pants off of you. Mr. Burns: You don't have to sue me to get my pants off. Mr. Burns: Thank you, come again. Smithers, release the hounds. Apu: [two bullies walk out with store merchadise] Thank you steal again. Bart: Can't sleep, clown will eat me! Apu: Yeah I finked on Homer but he deserved it. Never have I seen such abuse of the "Take A Penny, Leave A Penny" Tray. Homer: [picks up Maggie as he watches a Thanksgiving football game] See those blue and silver guys, Maggie? They're the Dallas Cowboys. They're Daddy's favorite team, and he wants them to lose by at least three points. Homer: [dancing and singing in a devil suit near a grave that says "good Homer"] I am Evil Homer I am Evil homer! Actor Homer: I do not miss Bart at all. Actor Marge: I am glad he's gone. Actress Lisa: As am I. Actor Homer: [drops sandwich] Boh! Bart: It's probably my imagination but something about them didn't seem quite right. Mr. Burns: Really? excuse me for just a moment. Mr. Burns: [Mr.Burns walks from the control room out into the studio where cameras have been set up along with a fake living room of the Simpsons' place] People, that was all wrong. Homer Simpson does not say Boh! He says. [checks script] Mr. Burns: Doh! Cletus: He really speaks to me, the average Joe six-tooth. Cletus's Wife: When did you get another tooth? Cletus: The sidewalk. [when the plant is bought by super-efficient Germans, Homer becomes terrified that he will be fired] Horst: Homer, could we have a word with you? Homer: [Nervous] No. Horst: I must have phrased that bad. My English is, how you say, inelegant. I meant to say, may we have a brief, friendly chat? Homer: Noooo! Horst: Once again I have failed. Horst: [Opens "German to English" dictionary] Horst: We request the pleasure of your company for a free exchange of ideas. Homer: NOOOOO! [Runs away screaming] Rev. Lovejoy: And now, please rise for our opening hymn "In The Garden Of Eden" by I. Ron Butterfly. [as the song is playing] Rev. Lovejoy: Wait a minute... this sounds like rock and/or roll. Homer: Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau? Apu: Such a beer does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it. Homer: Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles. Dealer: 19. Homer: Hit me. Dealer: 20. Homer: Hit me. Dealer: 21. Homer: Hit me. Dealer: 22. Homer: D'oh! [the Simpsons have accidentally built a barn from a pool kit] Homer: All right, everybody in the pool. Amish Farmer: 'Tis a fine barn, but sure 'tis no pool, English. Homer: D'oh-eth! [after Homer runs over a deer] Homer: D'oh! Lisa: A deer! Marge: A female deer. Homer: But wait. You can't kill me for being Krusty. I'm not him. I'm Homer Simpson. Fat Tony: The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our club? Homer: Uh... actually my name is Barney. Barney Gumble. Legs: The same Barney Gumble who keeps taking pictures of my sister? Homer: Uh, actually my real name is uh, think Krusty, think, Joe Valachi. Louie: The same Joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate Committee about organized crime? Homer: Benedict Arnold. Legs: The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British? Homer: D'oh! [Homer yelps as Smithers and Mr. Burns drag him through a cemetary in a bag] Smithers: Listen, sir! Did you hear that? Mr. Burns: [mockingly] No I didn't! What was it? Frankenstein? The booger man? Smithers: It's the man in the bag, sir! I think he's alive. Mr. Burns: Oh. [beats Homer with shovel] Mr. Burns: Bad corpse! Bad corpse! Stop... scaring... Smithers! Satisfied? Smithers: Thank you, sir. Marge: I'm sure you'll make plenty of friends. All you have to do is be yourself. Lisa: Be myself? I've been myself for eight years and it hasn't worked. Bart: You lie like a fly with a booger in its eye. Homer: [laughing] The fly was funny, but the booger was the icing on the cake. [Lisa and Mr. Burns are collecting cans at the beach] Mr. Burns: You mean there are actually people who will pay good money for garbage? Lisa: Not good money, really. Each can'll get you a nickel. Mr. Burns: Ooh, don't poo-poo a nickel, Lisa. A nickel will buy you a steak and kidney pie, a cup of coffee, a slice of cheesecake and a newsreel... with enough change left over to ride the trolley from Battery Park to the polo grounds. Lisa: [unimpressed] There's a can. Chief Wiggum: Oh, man, what a day. It's no cakewalk being a single parent, juggling a career and family like so many juggling balls... two, I suppose. [Burns learns about the stock market crash of 1929] Mr. Burns: Oh no. Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this market crash? Smithers: Well, sir, it happened 25 years before I was born. Mr. Burns: Oh, that's your excuse for everything. Lisa: Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known... then went crazy as a loon. Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down." Lisa: I'm studying for the math fair. If I win, I'll get a brand new protractor. Homer: Too bad we don't live on a farm. Mulder: Look at this, Scully: there has been another unsubstantiated UFO sighting in the heartland of America. We've got to get there right away. Scully: Well, gee Mulder, there's also this report of a shipment of drugs and illegal weapons coming into New Jersey tonight. Mulder: I hardly think the FBI is concerned with matters like that. Lisa: I like him. He's smart, he's sensitive, he's clearly not obsessed with his physical appearance... Homer: [walking by] My ears are burning. Lisa: Uh, I wasn't talking about you, Dad. Homer: No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside so I lit a Q-Tip. Marge: Mmm... Homer: God is teasing me. Just like he teased Moses in the desert. Marge: *Tested,* Homer. God *tested* Moses. Moe: Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything. Moe: I've been planning this vacation for years. I'm finally going to see Easter Island. Homer: Oh, right, with the giant heads. Moe: With the what now? Reverend Lovejoy: This so-called new religion is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants, designed to take away the money of fools. Now let's say the Lord's Prayer 40 times, but first, let's pass the collection plate. Kang: Holy fleurking schnit! Kang: Oh, you look lovely this evening. Have you decreased in mass? Kent Brockman: ...and the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night. [after Homer turns on the Christmas lights] Bart: It's craptacular. Marge: Bart, stop pestering Satan. Mr. Burns: Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I'm giving you a five percent pay cut. Principal Skinner: Children, I couldn't help monitoring your conversation. There's no mystery about Willy. Why, he simply disappeared. Now, let's have no more curiosity about this bizarre cover-up. Shopkeeper: Take this object, but beware: it carries a terrible curse. Homer: Oooh, that's bad. Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free Frogurt. Homer: That's good. Shopkeeper: The Frogurt is also cursed. Homer: That's bad. Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of toppings. Homer: That's good. Shopkeeper: The toppings contain potassium benzoate. [Homer looks puzzled] Shopkeeper: That's bad. Homer: Can I go now? [Bart's looking for his dog] Willy: Yeah, I bought your mutt - and I 'ate 'im. [Bart gasps] Willy: I 'ate 'is little face, I 'ate 'is guts, and I 'ate the way 'e's always barkin'. So I gave 'im to the church. Bart: Ohhh, I see... you HATE him, so you gave him to the church. Willy: Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug. [Bart stares] Willy: Ya heard me. Grampa: Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife? Homer: Never mind, you wouldn't understand. Grampa: Flu? Homer: No. Grampa: Protein deficiency? Homer: No. Grampa: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis? Homer: No. Grampa: Unsatisfying sex life? Homer: N - yes. But please, don't you say that word. Grampa: What, seeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had seeeeex. Chief Wiggum: All right, you scrawny beanpoles: becoming a cop is _not_ something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge. Man: Forget about the badge. When do we get the freakin' guns? Chief Wiggum: Hey, I told you, you don't get your gun until you tell me your name. Man: I've have it up to here with your "rules". [leaves] Homer: I don't have to be careful. I have a gun. [Lisa has had a nightmare] Lisa: Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the boogeyman was after me, and he was hiding under... Homer: AHHHHHHHH! BOOGEYMAN! You nail the windows shut, I'll get the gun! [Homer bursts into Bart's room] Homer: Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a boogeyman or boogeymen in the house! Bart: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Mr. Burns: Before you begin, let me make one thing clear to you. I want your legal advice, I even pay for it. But to me you're all vipers. You live on personal injury, you live on divorces, you live on pain and misery. But I'm rambling. Anybody want any coffee? Lawyer: I'll have some coffee. Mr. Burns: Want it black, don't you? Black like your heart. It's so hard for me to listen to you, I HATE YOU ALL SO MUCH. I'm sorry, it's my problem, I'll deal with it. Please continue. Lawyer: If you offer Mr. Simpson a token sum, say a couple of thou, he'll be so dazzled he'll sign anything you shove under his nose. Mr. Burns: Oh, brilliant, a cash settlement. I COULD HAVE FIGURED THAT OUT, YOU BUTTONED-DOWN MAGGOT. Lawyer: Do you have any cream? Mr. Burns: Oh yes, of course. Where are my manners? Mr. Burns: We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract. Homer: [thinking] Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me? Mr. Burns: And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. Homer: [thinking] Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me? Mr. Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm? Homer: [thinking] My God. He *is* coming onto me. Mr. Burns: After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows. [chuckle] Mr. Burns: [wink] Homer: [thinking] Aaaaaagh! [aloud] Homer: Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no. [Bart doing a newscast on a kids news show] Bart: Joe Banks, 82 years young, has come to this pond everyday for the past 17 years to feed the ducks. But last month Joe made a discovery: the ducks were gone. Some say the ducks went to Canada, others say Toronto. And some people think Joe used to sit down there near those ducks. But it could be that there's just no room, in this modern world, for an old man and his ducks. [Homer lies in a drunken heap] Marge: I've never been so embarrassed in my life. Homer: Why, what did you do? Barney: I'm Barney Gumble, and I'm an alcoholic. Lisa: Mr Gumble, this is a girl scout meeting. Barney: Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit that you have a problem? Homer: Here are your messages: "You have thirty minutes to move your car." "You have ten minutes to move your car." "Your car has been impounded." "Your car has been crushed into a cube." "You have thirty minutes to move your cube." Homer: [singing] My baloney has a first name, it's H-O-M-E-R, my baloney has a second name, it's H-O-M-E-R. Rainer Wolfcastle: [singing] Mein bratwurst has a first name, it's F-R-I-T-Z / Mein bratwurst has a second name, it's S-C-H-N-A-C-K-E-N-P-F-E-F-F-E-R-H-A-U-S-E-N. Marge: I'm afraid we're going to need a bigger place. Homer: No, we won't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's crib and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21. Marge: Won't that warp him? Homer: My cousin Frank did it. Marge: You don't have a cousin Frank. Homer: He became Francine in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now. Bleedin' Gums Murphy: My friends call me Bleeding Gums. Lisa: Eww, how'd you get a name like that? Bleedin' Gums Murphy: Well, let me put it this way. You ever been to the dentist? Lisa: Yeah. Bleedin' Gums Murphy: Not me. I suppose I should go to one. But I've got enough pain in my life as it is. Marge: Bart's such a handful, and Maggie needs attention, but all the while, our little Lisa's becoming a young woman. Homer: Oh, so that's it, this is some kind of underwear thing. Bleedin' Gums Murphy: The blues isn't about feeling better. It's about making other people feel WORSE, and making a few bucks while you're at it. [Homer is applying for a job as a department store Santa Claus] Manager: Do you like children? Homer: What do you mean, all the time? Even when they're nuts? Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you? Marge: So, Mr King, what tale of horror and the macabre are you working on now? Stephen King: Actually, I'm taking a break from horror for the time being. Marge: Oh, that's too bad. Stephen King: At the moment I'm working on a biography of Benjamin Franklin. He was a fascinating man who discovered electricity, and used it to torture children and green mountain men. And that key he tied to a kite - it opened the gates to HELL. Marge: Well, when you go back to horror will you let me know? Stephen King: Will do. [writes down a note: CALL MARGE RE: HORROR] Homer: [while watching a meteor shower] I wish God were alive to see this. Announcer: Live from the Apollo Theater, it's Krusty's Komedy Klassics. Krusty the Clown: Hey! Hey! It's great to be back at the Apollo theater and... KKK? That's not good. Homer: When a woman says nothing's wrong, everything's wrong. When a woman says everything's wrong, *everything's* wrong. And when a woman says *everything's* wrong, you'd better not laugh your ass off! Tony Blair: [Tony Blair has met the Simpsons at the airport. Lisa asks him to give them a personal tour of his country] I'd love to, but I'm late for an appointment. I'm greeting a lovely Dutch couple at gate 23. Cheereo! [He flys away on a jet pack] Homer: Wow! I can't belive we met Mr. Bean! [Ned has the ability to foresee one's death] Ned Flanders: Homer, you will die eating a submarine sandwich. Homer: What kind of bread is it? Ned Flanders: Country parmesan. Homer: Woo-hoo! Lisa: What, Aunt Patty? Patty: Oh, nothing, dear. I'm just trashing your father. Lisa: Well, I wish you wouldn't, because, aside from the fact that he has the same frailties as all human beings, he's the only father I have. Therefore, he is my model of manhood, and my estimation of him will govern the prospects of my adult relationships. So I hope you bear in mind that any knock at him is a knock at me, and I am far too young to defend myself against such onslaughts. Patty: Mm hm. Go watch your cartoon show, dear. Mr. Burns: This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you. Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir. Homer: Okay, now look. My boss is going to be at this picnic, so I want you to show your father some love and/or respect. Lisa: Tough choice. Bart: I'm picking respect. Homer: Sometimes I think we're the worst family in town. Marge: Maybe we should move to a larger community. [Lisa takes Bart to the library] Bart: Lisa, we can't afford all these books. Lisa: Bart, we're just gonna borrow them. Bart: Oh. Heh heh. Gotcha. [wink] Lisa: I want you to shut off the logical part of your mind. Bart: Okay. Lisa: Embrace nothingness. Bart: You got it. Lisa: Become like an uncarved stone. Bart: Done. Lisa: Bart, you're just pretending to know what I'm talking about. Bart: True. Lisa: Well, it's very frustrating. Bart: I'll bet. Homer: Son, about last night. You might've noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don't understand why. Bart: I understand why. You were wasted. Homer: I'm sorry it happened, and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me. Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will. Homer: Aww. Miss Emily Winthrop: [to Santa's Little Helper] You son of a bitch! Good show! Grampa: Look what your bad egg of a son did to my teeth! Homer: [rolling eyes] Dad, you and your stories. "Bart broke my teeth," "The nurses are stealing my money," "This thing on my neck is getting bigger." [Lisa has received an academic alert that she is failing gym class] Marge: Lisa, your father and I are very concerned about this warning. I really hope you try harder. Homer: Whew. That's all of 'em. [puts stack of academic alerts in front of Bart] Homer: And I'm so proud you didn't try to forge my name. How about a present, son? Bart: Well, I could use a new pair of hockey skates. Homer: Done and done. Lisa: That's not fair. Why is Bart getting a present and I'm getting chewed out? Homer: [sitting back] Ah, the mysteries of life. Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps. Homer: Son, I am proud of you. I was twice your age when I figured that out. Bart: You know why these clothes are on sale, Mom? Because the kids who wear them get *beaten up*. Marge: Well, anyone who beats you up for wearing a shirt isn't your friend. Homer: Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the Bible. Lisa: Really? Where? Homer: Eh, somewhere in the back. Ned Flanders: Sorry to bother you, Reverend Lovejoy, but I'm kind of in a tizzy. My son Todd just told us he didn't want to eat his damn vegetables. Rev. Lovejoy: Well, you know kids and vegetables. What was it? Asparagus? Ned Flanders: No, no, Reverend. The point is, he said a bad word. Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, oh, right, yeah. Well, kids usually pick these things up from someplace. Find out who's doing it and... direct them to the Bible. Ned Flanders: Where in the Bible? Rev. Lovejoy: Uh... page 900. [quickly hangs up] Moe: Yeah, you said it, Barn. Marge: Homer, I think the baby's coming. Homer: Wow. A baby and a free burger. Could this be the best day of my life? Dr. Hibbert: Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation. Homer: Say it in English, Doc. Dr. Hibbert: You're going to need open-heart surgery. Homer: Spare me your medical mumbo-jumbo. Dr. Hibbert: We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker. Homer: Could you dumb it down a shade? Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people. Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln? Homer: Uh, he sold poison milk to school children. Mr. Burns: Who is that fireband, Smithers? Smithers: That's Homer Simpson. Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? New man? Smithers: He thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude... Mr. Burns: Doesn't ring a bell. Lisa: Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don't like? Homer: Sure it is, honey. You *do* mean stealing, don't you? Homer: I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again. Lisa: I'd like to believe that this time. I really would. Smithers: People like dogs, Mr. Burns. Mr. Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots. Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over you, what would you say? Smithers: If *you* did it, sir? Homer: Whoa, careful now. These are dangerous streets for us upper-lower-middle-class types. So avoid eye contact, watch your pocketbook, and suspect everyone. Snake: Three card monte. Homer: Woo hoo! Easy money! Chief Wiggum: What IS your fascination with my forbidden closet of mysteries? Homer: So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end. Chief Wiggum: See ya in court, Simpson. Oh, and bring that evidence with ya; otherwise, I got no case and you'll go scot-free. [while operating on Homer] Dr. Nick: [singing] The kneebone's connected to the... something. The something's connected to the... red thing. The red thing's connected to my wrist watch... Uh oh. Dr. Nick: Seriously, baby, I can prescribe anything I want. Bart: Hey Homer, this house sucks. Homer: Bart, I told you not to use that word. Call me Daddy. [Lisa fears a new girl in school is more talented than she] Marge: Believe me, honey. She's more scared of you than you are of her. Lisa: You're thinking of bears, mom. Lisa: Relax? I can't relax. Nor can I yield, relent, or... Only two synonyms? Oh my God, I'm losing my perspicacity. Aaaaa! Homer: Well, it's always in the last place you look. Bart: [finishes with his paintbrush] The beauty of it is, each parking space is a mere one foot narrower. Indistinguishable to the naked eye. But therein lies the game. Milhouse: I fear to watch, yet I cannot turn away. Principal Skinner: Blasted woman, you parked too close! Move your car! Mrs. Krabappel: I'm in the lines! You got a problem, go tell your mama! Principal Skinner: Oh, don't worry, she'll hear about this. Dr. Hibbert: We don't believe fur is murder, but paying for it sure is. Bart: What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them - as is my understanding... George Washington: We had quitters during the Revolution too... we called them Kentuckians. Moe: Hey, I don't need no advice from a pinball machine. I'll have you know, I wrote the book on love. Grampa: Yeah - "All Quiet on the Western Front". Sideshow Mel: I love you, Krusty. Krusty the Clown: Quiet. Alien: I bring you love. Lenny: It's bringing love, don't let it get away. Carl: Break its legs. Lisa: No. Wait. [Shines torch on alien to reveal Mr. Burns] Willy: Argh. It's a monster. Kill it, kill it! Smithers: No, stop. It's not a monster, it's Mr Burns. Willy: Ahhh, it's Mr Burns. Kill it, kill it! Bart: Dad, I think I need some fresh air. Can I go to the park? Homer: Do I have to sit up? Bart: No. Homer: Knock yourself out. Homer: If he didn't take the money, why is he wearing those fancy clothes? Marge: That's what he wore to church! Homer: Oooooh, how convenient. Judge: Mr. Hutz, do you know you're not wearing any pants? Lionel Hutz: I move for a bad court thingy. Judge: You mean a mistrial? Lionel Hutz: Yeah... that's why you're the judge, and I'm the law... talkin'... guy. [Homer, feeling behind the couch for a peanut he dropped, finds a twenty dollar bill instead] Homer: Oh, twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut. Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts. Homer: Explain how. Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services. Homer: Woo-hoo! Milhouse: How could this have happened? We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but instead it ended in tragedy. Apu: Silly customer, you cannot hurt a Twinkie. Homer: I am so smart. I am so smart. I am so smart. S-M-R-T. I mean, S-M-A-R-T. Bart: Ooohh, my head. Lisa: The remorse of the sugar junkie. Homer: Hey, we didn't have a message on our answering machine when we left. How very odd. Comic Book Guy: Last night's "Itchy & Scratchy" was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world. [kicking Walt Whitman's tombstone] Homer: Damn you, Walt Whitman! I-hate-you-Walt-freaking-Whitman! "Leaves of Grass", my ass! Lisa: I am the lizard queen! Lisa: Why do I have the feeling that someday I'll be describing this to a psychiatrist? Willy: There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman. Homer: I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals fa-laaaaming. [Homer and Apu on a quest through the Himalayas to get Apu's job back] Apu: There it is, the world's first convenience store. Homer: This isn't very convenient. Apu: Must you knock on everything we do? [Flash-forward to Lisa's wedding] Homer: Little Lisa, Lisa Simpson. You know, I always felt you were the best thing my name ever got attached to. Ever since the time you learned to pin your own diapers, you've been smarter than me. Lisa: Oh, Dad... Homer: No, no, let me finish. I just want you to know I've always been proud of you. You're my greatest accomplishment, and you did it all yourself. You taught me to understand my own life better, and made me a better person, but you're still my daughter, and I don't think anyone has ever had a better daughter than... Lisa: Dad, you're babbling. Homer: See? You're still helping me. Homer: Hey boy. Wanna play catch? Bart: No thanks dad. Homer: When a son doesn't want to play catch with his father something is definitely wrong. Grampa: I'll play catch with you. Homer: Go home. Marge: Lisa, normally, I would say that you should stand up for what you believe in, but you've been doing that an awful lot lately... Bart: Yeah, you made us march in that gay rights parade. Homer: And we cant watch Fox because they own those chemical weapons plants in Syria. Homer: Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene." Homer: Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike, you just go in every day and do it really half-assed - that's the American way. Homer: Homer no function beer well without. Homer: Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening. Homer: Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. Homer: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon? Lisa: No. Homer: Ham? Lisa: No. Homer: Pork chops? Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal. Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal. Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court or a sleazy male stripper? Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Marge: Earl Warren wasn't a stripper! Homer: Now who's being naive? Moe: [after beating up a Homer dummy] Who's the sociopath, now? Moe: Moe's Tavern. Bart: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a friend of mine. Last name Jass, first name Hugh. Moe: Hold on, I'll check. Hugh Jass. Hey, I want a Hugh Jass? Oh, somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass. Hugh: Uh, I'm Hugh Jass. Moe: Telephone. Hugh: Hello, this is Hugh Jass. Bart: Uh, hi. Hugh: Who's this? Bart: Bart Simpson. Hugh: What can I do for you, Bart? Bart: Uh, look, I'll level with you, mister. This is a crank call that sorta back-fired, and I'd like to bail out right now. Hugh: All right. Better luck next time. [hangs up] Hugh: What a nice young man. Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old. Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive? Marge: That's because you were drunk. Homer: And how! Homer: Operator. Give me the number for 911. Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss? Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes. Big brother representative: And what are your reasons for wanting a little brother? Homer's Brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge. Homer: Uh... revenge? Homer's Brain: That's it. I'm getting out of here. [Sound FX: step step step step step... slam] Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer. Homer's Brain: It's a deal. Homer: Now son, a beer is a lot like a woman. They smell good, they look good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one. [chugs beer] Homer: But you can't stop there... you got to have another woman. [chugs beer] Homer: And another. [10 beers later] Homer: And so I says "Yeah? You wanna rip..." [passes out] Homer's Brain: Use reverse psychology. Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated. Homer's Brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology. Homer: Okay, I will. Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie - Police Academy. Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "chicken"? Homer: No. I swear on this Bible. Marge: That's not a Bible. That's a book of carpet samples. Homer: Ooh... fuzzy. Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad! Homer: Did you wreck the car? Bart: No. Homer: Did you raise the dead? Lisa: Yes. Homer: But the car's okay? Lisa, Bart: Uh-huh. Homer: All right then. Homer: [praying] Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever. [brief pause] Homer: Thy bidding will be done. [munch munch munch] Homer: What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway. [a rock flies through Mr. Burns' office window] Mr. Burns: Look Smithers, a bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction. [Speaking about the skeleton she found] Lisa: It could be a mutant from the power plant. Mr. Burns: That's preposterous, everyone knows our mutants have flippers - oops, I've said too much. Smithers, get the amnesia ray. Smithers: You mean the revolver, sir? Mr. Burns: Yes, and be sure to wipe your mind clear when you're done as well. Bart: Oh my God! The dead have risen and are voting Republican. Kang: We must move forward... not backwards, not to the side, not forwards, but always whirling, whirling, whirling towards freedom. [while watching a faculty talent show] Bart: I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows. Maude Flanders: They were having S-E-X in front of C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N. Krusty the Clown: Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down. Lisa: Oh, if I fail I won't even be able to get into Vassar. Homer: I've had just about enough of your Vassar-bashing, young lady. Rainer Wolfcastle: Up and at them. Dialogue coach: No, "Up and atom". Rainer Wolfcastle: Up and at them. Dialogue coach: Up and *atom*. Rainer Wolfcastle: Up and at them. Dialogue coach: [frustrated] Better. Bart: Hey, mouse. Say, "Cheese." With a dry, cool wit like that, I could be an action hero. [Ralph is lying in bed] Ralph: Daddy, these rubber pants are hot. Chief Wiggum: You'll wear 'em till you learn, son. Groundskeeper Willie: You've mastered a dead tongue. But can ya handle a live one? [whistle sounds; Homer slides down the power plant into his car, drives away, and sings to the tune of "The Flintstones"] Homer: Simpson, Homer Simpson. He's the greatest guy in history. From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree. AAH! [runs into a chestnut tree] Mr. Burns: Officers, arrest the baby. Chief Wiggum: Yeah, right, pops. No jury in the world is going to convict a baby. Well, maybe Texas. Barney: [during his acceptance speech] I've learned that I have a gift to share with the world. From now on, I'll be a new Barnard Gumbel; clean, sober, and hardworking. Mayor Quimby: Congratulations, Barney, and enjoy your prize - a lifetime supply of Duff Beer. [the curtains pull back to reveal a Duff Beer tanker truck] Barney: Just hook it to my veins! [the truck driver prepares an I.V] Homer: [cocks a shotgun] To the book depository! [in a comic book store] Milhouse: I need a mask to hide my face. What have you got for five dollars? Comic Book Guy: For a paltry five dollars all I can offer you is a mask from the discount bin. You have your choice of Richard Nixon or Bart Simpson. Milhouse: Why do you have masks of Bart? Comic Book Guy: One came free with every box of Bart Simpson action figures. Milhouse: Why does Bart have his own action figures? Comic Book Guy: They were a marketing tie-in with the comic book. Milhouse: Why does Bart have a comic book? Comic Book Guy: Your questions have become more redundant and annoying then the last three "Highlander" movies. Marge: C'mon, Homer, Japan will be fun. You like Rashoman. Homer: That's not how I remember it. Besides, if we wanted to see Japanese people we could have gone to the zoo. Marge: Homer. Homer: What? The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese. His name is Takashi. He's in my book club. [Comic Book visits a dating service and grabs all the one-nighter presentation videotapes] Clerk: Are you going to call all those women? Comic Book Guy: No, the tapes will do just fine. Bart: Here Homer I got you this book "Chicken Soup for the Loser". Homer: Hmmm is it any good? Bart: I don't know but it inspired Bill Buckner to open a chain of Laundromats. Comic Book Guy: Yes, I would like to return your quote-unquote *ultimate* belt. Clerk: I see. Do you a receipt, quote-unquote sir? Comic Book Guy: No, I do not have a receipt. I won it as a door prize at a Star Trek convention, although I find their choice of prize highly illogical, as the average Trekker has no need of a medium-size belt. Clerk: Wow, a fat sarcastic Star Trek fan. You must be a devil with the ladies... gee, I hate to let you down, Casanova, but no receipt, no return. Bart: I'll give you four bucks for it. Comic Book Guy: Very well. I must get back to my comic book store, where I dispense the insults rather than receive them. Agnes Skinner: You failed, Seymour. What is it with you and failure? [Kodos and Kang appear at The Simpsons' door] Homer: Oh no, Mormons! Kang: Actually, we're Quantum Presbyterians. Drill Sergeant: Look soldier, you don't like me, and I don't like you. Homer: I like you. Drill Sergeant: Well, I don't like you. Homer: Maybe you'd like me if you got to know me better. [Bart has an earring] Bart: Come on, Homer, didn't you ever do anything crazy when you were my age? Homer: Well, yeah, when I was 10, I got my ear pierced. But this is completely different. Homer: Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away? Lisa: Because they discovered gold right over there. Homer: It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything. Guide: Founded by prostitutes in 1849, and serviced by prostitute express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from Saint Joe in three days, Bloodbath Gulch quickly became known as a place where a trailhand could spend a month's pay in three minutes. Homer: Three minutes. [whistles] Marge: I never realized history was so filthy. [Homer is a Blackjack dealer] Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Twenty. Your move, Mr. Bond. James Bond: I'll take a hit, dealer. [Homer deals Bond a card] James Bond: Joker? You're supposed to take these out of the deck. Homer: Oh, sorry, I'll give you another one. [Homer deals Bond another card] James Bond: What's this? "Rules for Draw and Stud Poker"? Ernst Stavro Blofeld: What a pity, Mr. Bond... [Oddjob and Jaws advance on Bond and grab him] James Bond: But... but wait. It was Homer's fault. I can't lose. I never lose. [Oddjob and Jaws drag Bond out of the casino] James Bond: At least tell me your plans for world domination. Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Oh ho ho, I'm not falling for THAT one again. [Homer tries to call the nuclear power plant] Voice on Phone: The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now. Homer: Look, all I'm saying is, if these big stars didn't want people going through their garbage and saying they're gay, then they shouldn't have tried to express themselves creatively. Chief Wiggum: They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day. Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible. [Homer is using butter as a pencil holder] Marge: Is that my butter? Homer: Can't talk - taking another delicious memo. [Licks tip of pencil as if about to write] Homer: Mmmmm... memo. Bart: I think sharing is overrated too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance? Homer: Your ideas are intriguing and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. But I think I'll go on the retreat anyway. Moe: They think they're so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without pants. [Homer dials the Flanders', who have taken his kids into foster care] Voice on Phone: The number you have dialed can no longer be reached on this phone. You negligent monster. [looking at Uruguay on a map] Homer: Heehee. Look at this country. "You are gay." [Lisa tells Homer about Thomas Edison] Homer: No one man can do all that. You're a liar, honey. A dirty, rotten liar. [At Apu's wedding] Marge: Thanks for helping us out, Reverend. I know you've never performed a Hindu ceremony before. Rev. Lovejoy: Well, Christ is Christ. Leonard Nimoy: Good evening, I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies, so in the end, isn't that the truth? The answer is "no." Homer: How about it Bart, would you like a new backyard BBQ pit? Bart: Can I burn evidence in it? Homer: We can *all* burn evidence in it. Astrid Weller: Your husband's work is what we call "outsider art." It could be by a mental patient, a hillbilly or a chimpanzee. Homer: In high school I was voted most likely to *be* a mental patient, hillbilly or chimpanzee. Lisa: Dad, just for once don't you want to try something new? Homer: Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure. [At her first Broadway show] Marge: You know, when I was a girl, I always dreamed of being in a Broadway audience. [Homer tries to gain passage on an escape rocket] Homer: I am the piano genius from the movie "Shine". Guard: And your name is...? Homer: Uhh... Shiney McShine. [Why he prefers the original "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington."] Homer: At least that Jimmy Stewart version had that giant rabbit who ran the Savings & Loan. Newspaper editor: We're looking for a new food critic, someone who doesn't immediately pooh-pooh everything he eats. Homer: Nah, it usually takes a few hours. Marge: Only your father could take a part-time job at a small town paper and wind up the target of international assassins. Moe: People today are healthier and drinking less. You know, if it wasn't for the junior high school next door, no one would even use the cigarette machine. Guard at Itchy & Scratchy Land: There's no need to murmur, ma'am. Here at Itchy and Scratchy Land, we're just as concerned with violence as you are. That's why we're always careful to show the consequences of deadly mayhem, so that we may educate as well as horrify. Marge: When do you show the consequences? On TV, that mouse pulled out that cat's lungs and played them like a bagpipe, but in the next scene, the cat was breathing comfortably. Guard at Itchy & Scratchy Land: Just like in real life. Mr. Burns: Next. Marge: There must be something we can do to encourage Lisa's gift. An art class. Ballet lessons. They have fun things to do at the museum on Saturday. Homer: Whoa, whoa, Marge. I'm not spending my Saturdays at a museum. Unless... museums don't have foosball do they? [in Homer's mind, he's playing against the Statue of David and wins] Homer: You lose, Michaelangelo's David! Who's next? The Scream: [Edvard Munch's The Scream runs out] MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Mr. Burns: Smithers, you could learn a thing or two from this braying moron. Chief Wiggum: We'll track down Simpson with your vehicles anti-theft system. Car System: Car gone Car gone! Chief Wiggum: Yeah, we know that. Where has it gone to? Car System: Car gone! Car gone! Car gone! Homer: Must kill Moe Wee! Must Kill Moe Wee! Justin Timberlake: You know we had fun at the expense of the US Navy who are out there protecting us from dangers. James Lance Bass: And stingrays. Joey Fatone: Those stinkin vertebrae will sting you old school. Justin Timberlake: So join the navy for a 2 or 4 year hitch James Lance Bass: We signed JC up last week. J.C. Chasez: What? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Marge: [Bart awakens from a nightmare] Relax, honey. You were just having a crazy nightmare. Youre back home with your family now, where there's nothing to be afraid of... except that fog that turns people inside out. Bart: Huh? Homer: [the fog starts coming in] Uh-oh it's seeping in. STUPID CHEAP WEATHER STRIPPING! [everyone screams as the fog turns them inside out; then they stop screaming, looking at each other. Music plays, and they start dancing and singing] Marge, Bart, Homer, Lisa: One chorus line of people, dancing till they make us stop! Groundskeeper Willie: [Willy, also turned inside out, jumps on stage] Too...! Marge, Bart, Homer, Lisa, Groundskeeper Willie: Many dancing people, covered in blood, gore, and glop!/Just one sniff of that fog and you're inside out!/It's worse than that flesh-eating virus you've read about!/Vital organs, they are what we're dressed in, the family dog is eyeing Bart's intestine!/Happy Halloween! Apu: Here at the Kwik-E-Mart we believe in America. Please do not beat me up anymore. [Kang and Kodos are cooking the Simpsons] Bart: Am I the only one in horrible pain? Homer: You're the only one who won't shut up about it. Professor Frink: Let the commencing beginulate! [Lisa tells Homer about Bart's problem after making him promise not to get mad] Lisa: [rapidly] Bart rented a car with a phony driver's license and drove Milhouse, Martin, and Nelson to a wig outlet in Knoxville and the car got crushed and they're out of money and they can't get home and Bart's working as a courier and just came back from Hong Kong! [Homer's face turns pink, but his voice is eerily calm] Homer: Yes, that's a real pickle. Would you excuse me for a moment? [He puts on a radiation suit hood and screams out indistinguishable profanities, fogging the glass of the faceplate. When he takes the hood off, he is eerily calm again] Homer: All right, I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home. Then I will murder him. [Bart shatters Homer's bottle of hair-restoring Dimoxinil] Homer: [strangling Bart] BOY-MUST-DIE! Bart: [choked] I, I love you, Dad! Homer: Ohh... [drops him] Homer: Dirty trick. Homer: *Finally*... Science has joined forces with Revenge. TV Announcer: [At the end of a commercial for a combination hair restorer/penis enlarger] Possible side effects include loss of scalp and penis. Krusty the Clown: Next thing you know you're some schmuck working in a box factory. Box Factory Worker: I heard that. [the Simpsons are in an office with two FBI men letting them know about going to the federal witness protection program] FBI man 1: All right, Homer, now your name is Mr. Thompson, so when I say hello Mr. Thompson, you say hi. Homer: Check! FBI man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson. [homer stares blankly] FBI man 1: [pause] FBI man 1: Now, remember, your name is Mr. Thompson. Homer: Gotcha! FBI man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson. [again Homer stares blankly] FBI man 1: [FBI men stare at each other] [hours pass by] FBI man 1: [frustrated] ARGH... Now when I step on your foot and say your name, you smile and nod. Homer: I got it. [stepping on Homer's foot] FBI man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson. [Homer stares blankly again for a few seconds] Homer: [whispering to the FBI man next to him] I think he talking to you. [gunshot, Flanders is knocked down] Ned Flanders: Whew, good thing I always keep a Bible next to my... [second gunshot, Flanders is knocked down again] Ned Flanders: Whew, luckily I was wearing an extra large piece of the True Cross today. Uh, I'm going home now. [as he runs off, a third gunshot spins the head of Homer's pickaxe] Homer: What keeps doing that? Fat Tony: I told you we should have bought more than three bullets. Barney: Next they're gonna show my movie. Bart: You made a movie ? Barney: I made a movie? I wonder why there was a picture of me on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. [Barney holds up an Entertainment Weekly featuring him in a somber, dramatic pose] Kent Brockman: What started out as a traditional soccer riot has quickly escalated into a city-wide orgy of destruction. Reacting swiftly, Mayor Quimby declared "mob rule", meaning for the next several years, it's every family for themselves... Radio DJ: All right, this next song is dedicated to Bart Simpson, with the message "I am coming to kill you slowly and painfully." [Wipe Out begins playing] Lisa: It seems every week the Simpsons go through a situation like this. My suggestion is to just ride it out, make the occasional smart-aleck quip, and next week, we'll return right to where we were, ready for another wacky adventure. Bart: Aye carumba. Lisa: That's the spirit. Sideshow Bob: [after his demands are met] Yes. They're giving in. [pause] Sideshow Bob: Blast. I should've made more demands. Maybe next time... Mel Gibson: John Travolta flew me over in his jet. Now I have to help him move next weekend. He deliberately waited until we were in the air to ask me. [in the car on the way to Florida] Lisa: Mom, Bart's sitting next to me. Bart: Mom, Lisa's growing. Marge: Quiet, you two. You know your father's just had a breakdown. Homer: My pockets hurt. Homer: I'd like your deadliest gun please. Clerk: Aisle 6- Next to the sympathy cards. [the Be Sharps are performing the Statue of Liberty's 100th anniversary 4th of July concert in New York City in 1986] Homer: This next song is dedicated to a very special lady. She's 100 years old and weighs over 200... tons. Fan: This enormous lady will devour us all! [Screams and jumps into the ocean] Homer: I meant the statue! Homer: When will you people learn? In America we stopped using corporal punishment and things have never been better. The streets are safe, old people strut confidently through the darkest alleys and the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer programming abilities. So, like us, let your children run wild and free, for as the Bible tells us, "Let your children run wild and free." Homer: So, a graduate student, huh? How come they can send a man to the moon but can't make my shoes smell good? Mark Hamill: Hey everybody. I'm here today as Luke Skywalker, but I'm also here to talk about Sprint. As you can see here, you can save up to three times more than the more dependable companies. Audience: Talk about Star Wars. Homer: Shut up you stupid nerds, he's trying to save you money on long distance calls. Homer: Oh, they have the Internet on computers now. Homer: Marge, you're my wife and I love you very much. But you're living in a world of make-believe. With flowers and bells and leprechauns, and magic frogs with funny little hats. Bart: Yeah, Mom. We got hosed! Lisa: I'm so glad you're home. Bart's acting funny. Homer: "Ray J" funny or "O.J." funny? Marge: [looking at Bart's collection of death threats] Hmm, this one's done in different handwriting. Homer Simpson: Oh, uh, I wrote that one, after Bart somehow put this tattoo on my butt. [Homer drops his pants, revealing a "wide load" tattoo on his rear end. Everyone laughs] Nelson: [outside the window] Ha ha! Bart: But who'd want to hurt me? I'm this century's Dennis The Menace. Homer Simpson: It's probably the person you least suspect. Lisa: That's good, Dad. Grampa: I say we call Matlock. He'll find the culprit! It's probably that evil Gavin MacLeod or George Guberlindsey. Bart: Grandpa, Matlock's not real. Grampa: Neither are my teeth, but I can still eat corn on the cob, if someone cuts it off and smushes it into a fine paste. Now that's good eatin'! Marge: You awful man! Stay away from my son! Sideshow Bob: [menacing] Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right! Stay away... FOREVER! Homer: Oh, no! Sideshow Bob: Wait a minute. That's no good. [walks away, then runs back] Sideshow Bob: Wait, I've got a good one now! Marge, say "stay away from my son" again. Marge: No! Homer: Son, I just want you to know I have total faith in you. Bart: Since when? Homer: Since your mother yelled at me. Rev. Lovejoy: I remember another gentle visitor from the heavens. Who came to earth... and then died... only to be brought back to life again. And his name was: E.T., the extra-terrestrial. I love that little guy. Lionel Hutz: And as for your case, don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in the state. Often as a lawyer. Homer: Yeah, that Timmy O'Tool is a real hero. Lisa: How so dad? Homer: Well... he fell in a well... and he can't get out. Lisa: How does that make him a hero? Homer: Well it's more then you've done. Bart: Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. Insurance Agent: Now this place you were at, Moe's, is this a business of some sort? Homer's Brain: Don't tell him you were at a bar. But what else is open at night? Homer: It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography. Homer's Brain: Heh, heh, heh. I would never have thought of that. Homer: God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game. [doorbell rings] Ned Flanders: Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tick... Homer: [slams the door, looks heavenward] Why do you mock me, O Lord? Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there. [Marge scrapes it off the ceiling into Homer's hands] Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but... [bites] Homer: Mmm, sacrilicious. Moe: I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt... I can't compete with that stuff. Bart: George Burns was right: show biz is a horrible bitch goddess. Lisa: Face it, Bart, Sideshow Bob has changed. Bart: No he hasn't. He's more the same than ever. [observing the farm's green glow after Homer put toxic chemicals on it] Marge: It's eerily beautiful. Are you sure it's safe? Homer: You know what they say - sometimes you have to break the rules to free your heart. Marge: You got that from a movie poster. Homer: Well, when there's nothing left to believe in, believe in hope. Marge: Where'd you get that from? Homer: From the producers of "Waiting To Exhale". Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city. And I am the... uh... what cures cancer? Faith Crowley: Lisa, I'm Faith Crowley, Patriotism editor of Reading Digest. Homer: Oh I love your magazine. My favorite section is "How to increase your word power." That thing is really, really, really... good. Homer: It's like David and Goliath, only this time David won. [Lisa sighs] Lisa's Brain: I know, I heard it too. Here's some music. [Piano music plays quietly. Lisa smiles contentedly] [Answering the phone] Bart: Joe's Crematorium. You kill 'em, we grill 'em. Elizabeth Hoover: Do you want to play John Wilkes Booth, or do you want to act like a maniac? Social Worker: Stupid babies require the most attention. Homer: Just because I don't know doesn't mean I don't understand. Kent Brockman: Just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill. The government calls it the Army, but a more alarmist name would be... The Killbot Factory. Kent Brockman: Springfield has come down with a fever: football fever. If you have the fever, there's only one cure. Take 2 tickets, and see the game Sunday morning. Public Service Announcer: Warning. Tickets should NOT be taken internally. Homer: See? Because of me, now they have a warning. [Writing a food review] Homer: The bread was... the bread was... Santa's Little Helper: Ruff. Homer: You've been pitching that one all night. Santa's Little Helper: Chewy? Homer: Oh, Lisa. You and your stories. Bart is a vampire. Beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that building thingy... where our beds and TV is. Kent Brockman: Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside? Professor: Yes I would, Kent. Marge: [on radio] Husband on murderous rampage. Send help. Over. Chief Wiggum: Whew, thank God that's over. I was worried for a little bit. Homer: I've gone back in time to when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos. [Homer pooh-poohs churchgoing] Marge: Don't make me choose between my man and my God, because you just can't win. Homer: There you go again, always taking someone else's side. Flanders, the water department, God... Lisa: Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination? Homer: Boy, I don't know. You'd have to be pretty desperate to make it with a robot. [Marge whispers something in his ear] Homer: I knew that. Bart: Lis, everyone in town is acting like me, so why does it suck? Lisa: It's simple, Bart. You've defined yourself as a rebel. And in the absence of a repressive milieu, your societal niche has been co-opted. Bart: I see. Hollis Hurlbut: Now get out. You're banned from this historical society. You and your children, and your children's children... for three months. Homer: Dig him up. Dig up that corpse. If you really love Jebediah Springfield, you'll haul his bones out of the ground to prove my daughter wrong. Dig up his grave. Pull out his tongue. Mayor Quimby: Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse? [Homer and Bart are being taunted for riding in an electric car] Gay Robots: One of us. One of us. One of us. Apu: [singing] Whether igloo, hut, or geodesic dome there's no structure that I've been to that I'd rather call my home. When I first arrived you were all such jerks but now I've come to love your quirks. Maggie with her eyes so bright, Marge with hair by Frank Lloyd Wright, Lisa can phyliosophize, Bart's adept at spinning lies, Homer's a delightful fellow, sorry about the samonella. Homer: [laughing] That's okay. Apu: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart, now here's the tricky part, oh won't you rhyme with me? Who needs the Kwwik-E-Mart? Marge: Their floors are stik-e-mart. Lisa: They made dad sik-e-mart. Bart: Let's hurl a brik-e-mart. Homer: The Kwik-E-Mart is real... D'OH! Homer, Bart, Marge, Lisa: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? Apu: Not me! Homer, Bart, Marge, Lisa: Forget the Kwik-E-Mart. Good bye to Kwik-E-Mart. Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? Apu: Not me. Homer: Everything wrapped up nicely. Earlier than usual. Marge: I guess happiness is wherever you find it. Homer: And we've all found happiness. Every one of us. Apu: [Sobbing] Homer: What's that sound? Apu: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? I do. Homer: Hey! He lied to us through song. I hate it when people do that. [Mr. Burns is reminiscing about his grandfather's old Atom Smashing Plant] Burns' Grandfather: Come on, men! Smash those atoms! You there, turn out your pockets. [Two goons seize a waifish worker and turn out his pockets] Burns' Grandfather: Aha - atoms! One, two, three, four... SIX of them! Take him away! Waif: You can't treat the working man this way! One of these days we'll form a union, and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve! Then we'll go too far, and become corrupt and shiftless, and the Japanese will eat us alive! Burns' Grandfather: The Japanese? Those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders? Ha ha! Bosh! Flimflaw! Mr. Burns: Oh, if only we'd listened to that young man, instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven. Marge: Now be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner. Lisa: What are we gonna have? Homer: Well, that depends on what your teachers say. If you've been good, pizza. If you've been bad... uh... let's see... poison. Lisa: What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad? Bart: Poison pizza. Homer: Oh, no. I'm not making two stops. Mayor Quimby: Congratulations Ned, you are our new town crier. May your shrill, nasal voice ring throughout our streets and brains. Ned Flanders: Thankily-dank, Mayor, I shan't disappoint. Har ye, har ye. I declare myself pinkled tink about Springfield's Bicen-cidilly-ti-ten-toodly-rin-tin-tennial Day. Homer: You suck-diddily-uck, Flanders. Gimme that. [Grabs the bell from him] Homer: Hear ye. Hear ye. Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all. Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world. Chief Wiggum: Good God, he is fabulous. Principal Skinner: He's embiggened that role with that cromulent performance. Homer: Please don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them. Pepi: Tell me more. I want to know ALL the constellations. Homer: Well, that one's Jerry, the cowboy. And that big dipper-looking thing is Alan, the cowboy. Marge: I'm worried about the kids, Homey. Lisa's becoming very obsessive. This morning I caught her trying to dissect her own raincoat. Homer: I know. And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is a joke. It just keeps going faster and faster. Marge: And Bart isn't doing very well either. He needs boundaries and structure. There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome. [Looks out window] Bart: [creepily] Hello, mother dear. Marge: That's it, we have to get them back to school. Homer: I'm with you, Marge. Lisa. Get in here. [Lisa walks in] Homer: In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics. Homer: Well, I hope you've learnt your lesson, Lisa: never help anyone. Homer: You mean you gave away both your dogs? You know how I feel about giving. Homer: Son, come here. Of course I'm not mad. If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the garage next to your short-wave radio, your karate outfit, and your unicycle, and we'll go and watch TV. Bart: Man, I'm so bored. Milhouse: Wait until we're teenagers, then we'll be happy. Marge: Kids can be so cruel. Bart: We can? Thanks, Mom. Homer: If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it's not a fair. Homer: These candidates make me want to vomit in terror. Homer: Why won't those stupid idiots let me into their crappy club for jerks? Superintendent Chalmers: I've had it with this school, Skinner. Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children... Ned Flanders: A rude Frenchman. Why I never. Homer: Boy, everyone is stupid except me. Marge: My name is Marge Simpson and I have an idea. It may sound a little boring at first. Mayor Quimby: Chat away. I'll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards. [Marge's plan to get "Itchy and Scratchy" off the air backfires] Marge: I guess one person *can* make a difference... but most of the time they probably shouldn't. Kent Brockman: Dozens of people are gunned down each day, but until now, none of them was important. I'm Kent Brockman. At 3:00 PM Friday, local autocrat C. Montgomery Burns was shot, following a tense confrontation at town hall. He was taken to a hospital where he was pronounced dead. He was then taken to a better hospital where his condition was upgraded to "alive." [Lisa wins an essay contest] Homer: Woo-hoo! Who woulda guessed reading and writing would pay off. Homer: I don't care if Ned Flanders IS the nicest guy in the world. He's a jerk. End of story. Homer: [to Bart] I always knew you had personality. The doctor said it was hyperactivity, but I knew better. [Santa's Little Helper goes off running with George Bush, leaving Homer all alone] Homer: I guess you might say he's barking up the wrong Bush. Homer's Brain: There it is, Homer. The cleverest thing you'll ever say and nobody heard it. Homer: D'oh! [Watching Homer selling his soul to the devil on a monitor] Mr. Burns: Hmm... who's that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib. Smithers: Er, Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your eleven o'clock. Mr. Burns: Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons. Marge: We don't think you're slow. But on the other hand, it's not like you go to museums or read books or anything. Homer: Do you think I don't want to? It's those TV networks Marge. They won't let me. One quality show after another, each one more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once - just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves. But they won't, they won't let me live. PBS Pledge Drive Host: It's easy to see why it's England's most long-running series - and we're showing all of them, all 7 episodes. Lisa: Mom. Dad's on PBS. Marge: Mm? They don't show police chases, do they? Selma: We own you like Siegfried owns Roy. Carl: Quit drowning in self-pity and come get drunk with us. [Homer enters the room] Selma: Am I wrong, or did it just get fatter in here? Homer: Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda. Bart: [on Lisa] I knew someone was gonna say it, but I can't believe it was her. Homer: Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon. The stupidest, ugliest, smelliest ape of them all! [Homer is a limo driver] Homer: Oh wow, I can't believe my first passenger is comedy legend Mel Brooks. You know that movie, Young Frankenstein? Scared the hell out of me. Mel Brooks: Umm, thanks. Homer Simpson: Mel Brooks is Jewish? Homer: English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England. [Homer can't stop the monorail] Marge: Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you. Homer: Batman? Marge: No, he's a scientist. Homer: Batman's a scientist. Marge: It's NOT Batman. [the school has come into money and everyone's suggesting how to spend it] Lunchlady Doris: The cafeteria staff is complaining about the mice in the kitchen. I want to hire a new staff. [Bees have escaped from a bee farm] Beekeeper 1: Hmmm. Awfully quiet around here. Beekeeper 2: Yes... a little TOO quiet, if you know what I mean. Beekeeper 1: Hmmm. Afraid I don't. Beekeeper 2: You see, bees usually make a lot of noise. No noise suggests no bees. Beekeeper 1: Hmm... oh look, there goes one. Beekeeper 2: To the bee mobile. Beekeeper 1: You mean your Chevy? Beekeeper 2: ...Yes. Homer: People will think what I tell them to think when you tell me what to tell them to think. Homer: I wanna shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I wanna explore the world. I wanna watch TV in a different time zone. I wanna visit strange, exotic malls. I'm sick of eating hoagies. I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero. I want to LIVE, Marge. Won't you let me live? Won't you, please? Krusty the Clown: Ahh, there's nothing better than a cigarette... unless it's a cigarette lit with a hundred-dollar bill. Marge: Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme? Homer: Never, Marge. Never. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors - oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?" [Moe is making a fortune from Homer's drink recipe] Marge: Well, Homer, maybe you can take some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy. Homer: Ooh, look at me. I'm making people happy. I'm the magical man from Happyland, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane. [walks out, slams door, then sticks head back in] Homer: Oh, by the way: I was being sarcastic. Marge: Well, duh. [Marge is working at a real estate firm] Lionel Hutz: I've been getting a lot of calls about you, Marge. People just love your no-pressure approach. Marge: Well, you know what we say: the right house for the right person. Lionel Hutz: I'm going to let you in on a little secret. The right house is the house that's for sale. And the right person is anyone. Mr. Burns: So, Smithers, what are you doing this weekend. Something gay, I expect? Smithers: What? Mr. Burns: You know, light and fancy free. Mothers, lock up your daughters. Smithers is on the town. Smithers: Oh. Of course. Kent Brockman: 'Twas the night before Christmas, and in this house a creature *was* stirring. But the only thing he was stirring was: up trouble. Homer: Ah, Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk. Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get. [Nelson's friends catch him kissing Lisa] Kearney: Aw man. You just kissed a girl. Jimbo Jones: That is so gay. Principal Skinner: There's no justice like angry-mob justice. Marge: Aren't you going to perform the last rites? Rev. Lovejoy: That's Catholic, Marge. You might as well ask me to perform a voodoo dance. Lenny: We made it. And it's all thanks to teamwork. Carl: Yeah, *my* teamwork. [after seeing the movie "Naked Lunch"] Nelson: I can think of two things wrong with that title. [Lisa sees a sign for a "Yahoo Serious Festival"] Lisa: I know those words, but that sign doesn't make sense. [Krusty faces imprisonment after being revealed as a tax fraud] Krusty the Clown: I can't go to jail. I got a swanky lifestyle. I'm used to the best. IRS Agent: Krusty, this is America. We don't send our celebrities to jail. We're just going to garnish your salary. Krusty the Clown: You're going to *garnish* my *celery*? IRS Agent: Please, Krusty, no jokes. Krusty the Clown: Who's joking? Oh, I don't understand what you're saying, it all sounds so crazy to me. Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup? Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa. Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product. Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy? Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning. Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart. Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out. Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said. Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case. Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to. Homer: Bart, go to your room. Bart Simpson: I want to be emancipated! Homer Simpson: Emancipated? Why do you want that? Don't you like being a dude? Homer: All right, New York. I'm coming back. But you're not gonna get this! [Homer throws his wallet into the lit fireplace] Lisa: Dad, our baby pictures are in there. Homer: Don't you start! Lisa: Dad, I still don't understand how you could just give my room away? Homer: Honey, what's your favorite movie? Lisa: Well, until you taped over it, "The Little Mermaid". Homer: That's right. "The Odd Couple". Meet your new, mismatched roommate- Bart. Bart: I'm going to make your life a living hell. Lisa: Ohh... [Homer hums "Odd Couple" theme, shoves Lisa into the room and runs away] Lisa: Thank you, Mr. President. Bill Clinton: No, thank you, Lisa. For teaching kids everywhere a valuable lesson: If things don't go your way, just keep complaining until your dreams come true. Marge: That's a pretty lousy lesson. Bill Clinton: Hey, I'm a pretty lousy president. Mayor Quimby: Oh, dear God. Can't this town go one day without a riot? [Homer uncovers a scheme to supply low-grade milk to the school] Homer: They're milking rats. Rats. Mayor Quimby: [to Fat Tony] Rats? You promised me dog or higher. [about to watch dinner theater] Ned Flanders: Dear Lord, please let tonight's production be better than Othello starring Peter Marshall. Mark Hamill: [singing to the tune of "Luck Be A Lady"] Luke be a Jedi tonight. Just be a Jedi tonight. Do it for for Yoda, while we serve our guests a soda. Homer: I think I saw him in Rent, or Stomp, or Clomp, or some piece of crap like that. Homer: If he's so smart, how come he's dead? Newspaper Tour Guide: And each paper contains a certain percentage of recycled paper. Lisa: What percentage is that? Newspaper Tour Guide: Zero. Zero is a percent, isn't it? Marge: You love Shake n' Bake. You used to put it in your coffee. Lucy Lawless: I'll take you home. [Lucy flies, carrying Bart and Lisa] Lisa: Hey, Xena can't fly. Lucy Lawless: I told you, I'm not Xena. I'm Lucy Lawless. Homer: We can outsmart those dolphins. Don't forget - we invented computers, leg warmers, bendy straws, peel-and-eat shrimp, the glory hole, AND the pudding cup. [after the angel hoax is exposed] Homer: What the hell are we going to do with 10,000 angel ashtrays? Bart: I could take up smoking. Homer: You damn well better. [Pulling broccoli from Homer's corpse] Dr. Hibbert: Another broccoli-related death. Marge: But I thought broccoli was... Dr. Hibbert: Oh yes. One of the deadliest plants on earth. It tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste. Homer's ghost: Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get into heaven. Marge: Well I got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the house... Homer's ghost: Whoa whoa whoa. I'm just trying to get in, I'm not running for Jesus. Bart: We want the truth. Sideshow Bob: You can't handle the truth. No truth-handler, you. I deride your truth-handling abilities. Ned Flanders: Let's thank the Lord for another beautiful day. Superintendent Chalmers: "Thank the Lord"? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don't have a place within an organized religion. Homer: Ah, another beautiful day in the womb. Homer: Bad bees. Get away from my sugar. Ow. OW. Oh, they're defending themselves somehow. Homer: I want to set the record straight: I thought the cop was a prostitute. [Homer is calling home from a mental institution] Bart: Joe's Taxidermy. You snuff 'em, we stuff 'em. Homer: Boy, when I get home, I'm gonna wrap my hands around your neck and... [noticing the orderlies glaring at him, he relents] Homer: ...smother you with kisses. Bart: Homer, whatever they've got you on, cut the dose. [Homer is undergoing major surgery. Grampa visits him in hospital] Grampa: They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I've never understood why that is; frankly, I can see an upside to it. Ha ha. [Lisa has been caught looking out the window at Nelson during band practise] Class: Lisa likes Nelson. Milhouse: She does not. Class: Milhouse likes Lisa. Janey: He does not. Class: Janie likes Milhouse. Mr. Dewey Largo: NOBODY likes Milhouse. Marge: [sings] How many roads must a man walk down / Before you can call him a man... Homer: Seven. Lisa: No, dad, it's a rhetorical question. Homer: OK, eight. Lisa: Dad, do you even know what "rhetorical" means? Homer: Do *I* know what "rhetorical" means? Homer: Look Marge, you don't know what it's like - I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order. You're out of order. The whole freakin' system is out of order. You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't HANDLE the truth. 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do. Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown. [Homer is teaching a university course on marriage] Homer: I do have a story about two other young marrieds. Now, the wife of this couple had an interesting quirk in the bedroom. It seems she goes wild with desire if her husband nibbles on her elbow. Mrs. Krabappel: We need names. Homer: Well, er, let's just call them, uh, "Mr. X" and "Mrs. Y." So anyway, Mr. X would say, "Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson." Homer: Bart, I'm not asking you to give blood for free. That would be crazy. You may not realize it now, but when you save a rich guy's life, he showers you with riches. Don't you know the story of Hercules and the Lion? Bart: Is it a Bible story? Homer: Yeah, probably. Anyway, once upon a time, there was a big, mean lion who got a thorn in his paw. All the villagers tried to pull it out, but nobody was strong enough, so they got Hercules and he used his mighty strength, and bingo. Anyway, the moral is, is that the lion was so happy, that he gave Hercules this big... thing... of riches. Bart: How did a lion get rich? Homer: It was the olden days. Bart: Oh. Mr. Burns: If the house catches fire, call this number. Marge: Uh-huh. The fire department. Mr. Burns: Yes. They're new. But they're good. Principal Skinner: I have caught word that a child is using his imagination and I've come to put a stop to it. [students draw pictures in Sunday School] Sunday School Teacher: Ralph, Jesus did not have wheels. Ned Flanders: Homer, I think you hit something. Homer: I hope it was Flanders. Lionel Hutz: Well, I didn't win. Here's your pizza. Marge: But we did win. Lionel Hutz: That's okay. The box is empty. [Showing Simpsons "outtakes."] Troy McClure: If that's what they cut out, what they leave in must be pure gold. Kent Brockman: Another local peasant has been found dead, drained of his blood with two teeth marks on his throat. This black cape was found on the scene. [the cape says "DRACULA."] Kent Brockman: Police are baffled. Jay Sherman: Welcome to "Coming Attractions". I'm your host, Jay Sherman. Thank you. Tonight, we review an aging Charles Bronson in "Death Wish 9." [Charles Bronson is in a hospital bed] Charles Bronson: I wish I was dead. Oy! Jay Sherman: But first, we have a special guest: Rainer Wolfcastle, star of the reprehensible McBain movies. Rainer Wolfcastle: Jay, my new film is a mixture of action und comedy. It's called "McBain: Let's Get Silly." [Cut to clip from movie showing McBain with a microphone in front of a brick wall] Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain: Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up? [pause] Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain: That's the joke. Man in audience: You suck, McBain! [McBain pulls a machine gun and fires into the audience] Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain: Now, my Woody Allen impression: I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls. Man in audience: Hey, that really sucked! [McBain pulls the pin on a grenade and tosses it at him] Man in audience: [Cut back to Rainer and Jay] Rainer Wolfcastle: The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost $80 million. Jay Sherman: [contemptuous] How do you sleep at night? Rainer Wolfcastle: On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies. Jay Sherman: Just asking. Yeesh! Jay Sherman: And you must be the man who didn't know if he had a pimple or a boil. Homer: It was a Gummi Bear. Mr. Burns: Get me Steven Spielberg. Smithers: He's unavailable. Mr. Burns: Then get me his non-union Mexican equivalent. Maude Flanders: Neddy, I've had just about all I can take of Homer Simpson's torso. I'll go get some hot dogs. Ned Flanders: No foot-longs. Maude Flanders: I know, they make you uncomfortable. [after getting school uniforms] Bart: These uniforms suck. Marge: Bart, where did you pick up words like that? Homer: [on the phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure sucked last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked. Marge: Homer. Homer: Oh, I gotta go, my damn wiener kids are lookin' at me. Bart, Lisa: We are not wiener kids! Homer: Then why are you wearing those dorky uniforms? Hmm... [Moe is describing a plan to Homer] Moe: Okay Homer, this olive is you... Homer: Mmm... me... [Lisa, home with the mumps, watches a soap opera with Marge] Lisa: Gee, is it always this good? Actor Marge: Mmmmm, I don't know. I just dip in and out. I'm only watching today because Randi is coming out of a coma, and she knows the phony prince's body is hidden in the boathouse. Lionel Hutz: Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I... uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder. Marge: Is that bad? Lionel Hutz: Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog. Marge: You did? Lionel Hutz: Well, replace the word "kinda" with the word "repeatedly," and the word "dog" with "son." Homer: Marge, can I go out and play? Homer: [muttering] Lousy big shot, thinks he's so big 'cause he's got a lot of guns, if he didn't have any guns I'd show him a thing or two... [at home, pacing the hallway in front of Lisa's bedroom] Homer: ... let's see him walk into my store and then we'll see who's worried about five-day waiting periods... Lisa: Dad, it's 3:00 AM. Cant you mutter in your room? Homer: Marge kicked me out. Lisa: All right, go ahead. Homer: Pushy kids think they can tell me what to do in my house, Why, I tell you these parents these days they don't know how to rear children... Homer: Well crying isn't going to help. Now, you can sit there feeling sorry for yourself or you can eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food until your dog comes back, or you can go out there and find your dog. Bart: You're right. [Gets up and leaves] Homer: Rats. I almost had him eating dog food. Homer: Family, gather round, I have an announcement to make. The Simpsons have cable. Bart, Lisa: Cable? Bart: All right. Homer: That's right, sixty-eight channels, MTV for the kids, VH1 for us, sixteen hours of quality programming a day. Marge: I don't know, Homer, we've discussed cable before. Do you really think we can afford this? Homer: Nothing a month? Yeah, I think we can afford it. Marge: Mmmm, are you sure this is legal? Homer: Relax, Marge. Read this. [Homer hands Marge a pamphlet entitled, "So You've Decided To Steal Cable"] Marge: "Myth: it's wrong to view quality motion pictures for free. Fact: most movies that air on cable rate two stars or lower and are repeated ad nauseam." I don't know... Homer: [to Lisa] You stupid know-nothing know-it-all. [Homer just watched a Mr. Sparkle commercial to find out why the logo looks exactly like him] Homer: That didn't explain anything. All I know is they stole my face and used it for their stupid logo. There's no other explanation. Lisa: [indicating the TV] Wait, look. Japanese commercial pitchman: [on TV] This has been brought to you by Matsamura Fishworks and Tamarabuchi Energy Concern. [the fish logo and the light bulb logo merge to form the Mr. Sparkle logo] Lisa: It was all just a coincidence. Bart: [to Homer] Yep. There's your answer, Fishbulb. Homer: [Comforting] There, there. Shut up boy. Moe: Sounds like you're having a rough Christmas. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society. Homer: [drunk] Yeah, you're right, Moe. You're always Moe. Lisa: Where's that music coming from? Marge: And all the liquor? Homer: It's a party, Marge. It doesn't have to make sense. Redneck: Let's fight. Other Redneck: Them's fightin' words. Homer: Lurleen, wait. Lurleen Lumpkin: Yeah? Homer: I just wanted to say your song touched me deeply in a way I've never felt before... and which way to the can? Lurleen Lumpkin: You know, no man's ever been nice to me without wanting something in return. Homer: Well, I *was* going to ask you for a glass of water, but now I feel guilty about it. Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie - one to lie, and one to listen. Marge: What does *that* mean? [Fanzo threw a Barbie in the fire and strangled a Krusty toy] Bart: Why is it destroying other toys? Lisa: It must be programmed to do so to eliminate competition. Bart: You mean like Microsoft? Lisa: Yeah. [while trying to get a convict's parole granted] Jack: I shot a guy named Apu. Marge: Hmmm... Well a lot of people shoot Apu. Ralph: Your toys are fun to touch. Mine are all sticky. Ralph: I found a moonrock in my nose. Smithers: Mr. Burns can't stand talking to his mother. He never forgave her for having that affair with President Taft. Homer: Heh, heh! Taft, you old dog! Principal Skinner: I'm going to enjoy devouring you, Bart Simpson. Yes... I believe I'll start, as you've so often suggested, by eating your shorts. Lawyer: Robert, if released, would you pose any threat to one Bart Simpson? Sideshow Bob: Bart Simpson? [chuckles] Sideshow Bob: The spirited little scamp who twice foiled my evil schemes and sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hellhole? Parole Board Officer: Uh, we object to the term "urine-soaked hellhole", when you could have said "pee-pee soaked heckhole." Sideshow Bob: Cheerfully withdrawn. Parole Board Officer: No one who speaks German could be an evil man. Mr. McGreg: Dr. Nick Riviera. Remember me? Dr. Nick: Why, if it isn't my old friend, Mr. McGreg. With a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg. Krustyburger manager: We need more secret sauce. Put this mayonnaise in the sun. Chief Wiggum: This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless. Homer: I can't wait until they throw his hatless butt in jail. Hospital Chairman: Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few complaints against you. Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant. Dr. Nick: But I cleaned them with my napkin. [Homer sits down in the middle of the night to eat cheese] Homer: Mmmm. Sixty-four slices of American Cheese... [begins eating] Homer: ... sixty-four... sixty-three... [morning comes, Homer is still eating] Homer: Two... one... [Marge walks in] Marge: Have you been up all night eating cheese? Homer: I think I'm blind. Chief Wiggum: Oh, sure. We'd all love some *real* friends, Marge. But what are the odds of that happening? Moe: Say, Barn. Uh, remember when I said I'd have to send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab? Barney: Oh ho, oh yeah. We all had a good laugh, Moe. Moe: The results came back today. Homer: Mmmm... forbidden donut. Ned Flanders: Oh, the network slogan is true. Watch FOX and be damned for all eternity. Ralph: That's where I saw the leprechaun. He told me to burn things. Bart: Take him away, boys. Chief Wiggum: Hey, I'm the chief here. Bake him away, toys. Lou: What'd you say, Chief? Chief Wiggum: Do what the kid said. Smithers: Look at all the wonderful things you have, Mr. Burns: King Arthur's Excalibur, the only existing nude photo of Mark Twain, and that rare first draft of the constitution with the word "suckers" in it. Miss Springfield: Gentlemen, start your whacking. Marge: Can't you do something for him? Dr. Hibbert: Well, we can't fix his heart, but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is. Homer: What an age we live in. Mr. Burns: This house has quite a long and colorful history. It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground, and was the setting of Satanic rituals, witch-burnings, and five John Denver Christmas specials. Homer: [shudders] Oh... John Denver. Barney: David Crosby? You're my hero. David Crosby: Oh, you like my music? Barney: You're a musician? Plastic Surgeon: Krusty, your plastic surgery is complete. Now, when I remove the bandages, don't be alarmed by the total stranger staring back at you. [hands him a mirror] Krusty the Clown: AAH! I look exactly the same, you moron. Plastic Surgeon: Oh, nonsense. You look at least ten years younger. Plus, I did your breasts. Krusty the Clown: Does anyone hear me complaining about the breasts? [playing a religious board game] Lisa: Where are the dice? Todd Flanders: Daddy says dice are wicked. Rod Flanders: We just move one space at a time. It's less fun that way. Lisa: Hello, hospital? This is Lisa Simpson... Hospital Secretary: Simpson? Look, we've already been down there tonight for a sisterectomy, a case of severe butt rot, and a Leprechaun fight. How dumb do you think we are? Homer: There's your giraffe, little girl. Ralph: I'm a boy. Homer: That's the spirit. Never give up. Chief Wiggum: She didn't reckon with the awesome power of the Chief of Police. Now where did I put my badge?... Hey, that duck's got it. State Comptroller Atkins: This grant ensures a light bulb in every classroom, and a high-definition TV for the teachers lounge. Bill Clinton: I know you don't think you're good enough for me, but believe me, you are. Hell, I done it with pigs. Real, no-foolin' pigs. Janey: Well, that was a waste of time. Lisa: Janey, school is never a waste of time. Elizabeth Hoover: Class, since we have fifteen minutes until recess, please put your pencils down and stare at the front of the room. Judge Snyder: The clown is down. [Mr. Burns has put Homer's brain into a robot] Mr. Burns: Oh, Smithers, I was wrong to play God. Life is precious, not a thing to be toyed with. Now take out that brain and flush it down the toilet! [Marge is pregnant with Bart] Marge: Hey, come over here and feel our baby kicking. Homer: Wow! Kid, I won't let you down. I swear to you, when you come out of there, the first thing you're going to see is a man with a good job. Patty: Yeah... the doctor. Krusty the Clown: Papa, when I grow up, can I be a clown? Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: No, a clown is not a respected member of the community. Krusty the Clown: But I want to make people laugh. Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: Herschel, life is not fun. Life is serious. Seltzer is for drinking, not for spraying. Pie is for noshing, not for throwing. Krusty the Clown: But Papa... Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: But nothing! You'll do as I say, or you'll get such a zetz that you won't even know what hit you! Kent Brockman: Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for Philosophy majors - useful people are starting to feel the pinch. Psychiatrist: Is there a lot of screaming at your house? Bart: Well, my dad's always yelling about the white man keeping him down. [Homer is watching a television ad for the Naval Reserve] TV Announcer: Daybreak, Jakarta. The proud men and women of the Navy are protecting America's interests overseas, but your in Lubbuth, Texas hosing down a statue, because your in the Naval Reserve. Once you complete basic training, you only work one weekend a month, and most of that time your drunk of your ass. The Naval Reserve: America's 17th line of defense, between the Mississippi National Guard, and the American League of Women Voters. Homer: Gee, Mr. Burns, you're the richest guy I know; way richer than Lenny. Mr. Burns: Yes, but I'd trade it all for a little more. Smithers: Sir, this can't be right. You assured me this drawing was rigged so we'd be teammates. Mr. Burns: Yes, well, frankly you've been a bit of a pill lately. Smithers: Why do we always fight on vacation? Bart: Wow Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel? Homer: Oh Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan. Ned Flanders: Wait! Homer, what did you just say? Homer: I said shut your ugly face, Flanders! Blind Man Willie Witherspoon: I've been playing the saxophone for 30 years. I want you to have it. Bleedin' Gums Murphy: This isn't a saxophone. It's an umbrella. Blind Man Willie Witherspoon: So I've been playing the umbrella for 30 years? Why didn't anyone ever tell me? Bleedin' Gums Murphy: 'Cause we all thought it was funny. Blind Man Willie Witherspoon: That's not funny. Homer: What are you kids doing? Lisa, Bart: Practicing tennis Homer: That's tennis? Then what's that sport where the chicks whale on each other? Bart: Foxy Boxing? Homer: [disappointedly] Yes. That's what I wanted. Oh. [Homer cries] Kent Brockman: We win again. But the real winners here are Marge's Hors D'Oeuvres. Homer: How do you come up with such witty remarks? [focuses in on ear plug/mic] Guy in the van: I guess you could say its my racket. Kent Brockman: I guess you could say I'm Iraqi. Homer: Get off my property. [Homer is camping out to buy football tickets] Homer: Heh-heh-heh, I did it. Second in line, and all I had to do was miss eight days of work. Man: With the money you would have made working, you could have bought tickets from a scalper. Homer: In theory, yes. [sotto voce] Homer: Jerk. Young Jewish Man: Reb Krustofsky, should I finish college? Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: Yes. No one is poor except he who lacks knowledge. Jewish Woman: Rabbi, should I have another child? Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: Yes. Another child would be a blessing on your house. Jewish Man: Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler? Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: Could you rephrase that as an ethical question? Jewish Man: Um... is it right to buy a Chrysler? Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: Oh, yes. For great is the car with power steering and dyna-flow suspension. Homer: Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me. Post Office Worker: Okay. What's your first name, Mr. Burns? Homer: ...I don't know. [about the hurricane] Homer: All right everyone, it's the standard Grampa drill... everyone into the cellar. Ned Flanders: You ugly hate-filled man. Moe: Hey. I may be ugly and I may be hate-filled but... uh... what was that last thing you said? Dr. Foster: You are free to roam around the grounds but do be warned one of our patients *is* a cannibal. Try to guess which one... I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. Homer: Lisa, I want you to remember me just as I am right now, filled with murderous rage. Homer: Never fear. The cosmic fool is here. Lisa: Miss Tan, I loved The Joy Luck Club. You really showed me how the mother-daughter bond could survive adversity. Amy Tan: No, no, that's not what I meant at all. I can't believe how wrong you got it. Just sit down, I'm embarrassed for both of us. Mr. Burns: Mr. Simpson, you're smarter than you look, or sound, or our best testing indicates. Superintendent Chalmers: Seymour, why are there children walking on my head? Marge: Church should help you with your everyday life. Homer: It should, but it doesn't. Now who wants to go down to the dump with me? Clerk: Celebrate the independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of it. Doug: In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is a magic xylophone, or something? Ha ha, boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder. Homer: I'll field that one. Let me ask *you* a question. Why would a grown man whose shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show? [embarrassed pause] Doug: I withdraw my question. [starts eating a candy bar] [Lisa flips through the card catalog] Lisa: Let's see... Football... Football..."Homoeroticism in"..."Oddball Canadian rules"..."Phyllis George and"... Sideshow Bob: Rakes, my arch enemy. Bart: I thought I was your arch enemy. Sideshow Bob: I have a life outside you, Bart. Comic Book Guy: Ack. There is no "emoticon" to express what I am feeling right now. Comic Book Guy: Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. Chief Wiggum: Can't you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can't be policing the entire city. Marge: You can't ask God to kill someone. Homer: Yeah! You do your own dirty work. [Bart has just described the island paradise he envisages] Nelson: How many monkey butlers will there be? Bart: One at first. But he'll train others. Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such other nature films as "Earwigs, Ew." and "Man Vs Nature... The Road To Victory". Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such other medical films as "Mommy, What's On That Man's Face?" and "Alice Doesn't Live Anymore". Ralph: I bent my wookie. Ralph: My cat's breath smells like cat food Marge: Homer, why aren't you at work? You're late. Homer: They said if I came in late again that I would get fired, and I can't risk that, so I'm not going. Homer: Biatch? Me? [after Poochie the dog debuts on the Itchy and Scratchy show to a lukewarm response] Homer: I liked it... right? Homer's Brain: You don't wanna know what I think... Now look sad and say "D'oh!..." Homer: D'oh!... Marge: Homer, I don't want you driving around in a car you built yourself. Homer: You can sit there complaining, or you can knit me some seat belts. Marge: Everybody's afraid of something. Homer: [smugly] Not everybody. Marge: Sock puppets. Homer: [shrieks in terror] Where? Where? Marge: Homer, a man who called himself "you-know-who" just invited you to a secret "wink-wink" at the "you-know-what". You certainly are popular now that you're a Stonecutter. Homer: Oh, yeah. Beer busts, beer blasts, keggers, stein hoists, AA meetings, beer night. It's wonderful, Marge. I've never felt so accepted in all my life. These people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined. Homer: Well, these bills will have to be paid out of your allowance. Bart: You'll have to raise my allowance to about a thousand dollars a week. Homer: Then that's what I'll do, smart guy. Smithers: Sir, they may never be another time to say... I love you, sir. Mr. Burns: Oh, hot dog. Thank you for making my last few moments on earth socially awkward. Lisa: Oh, it's hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless. Sideshow Bob: Oh, I see. When it's one of *my* schemes you can't foil it fast enough, but when *Cecil* tries to kill you, "it's hopeless, utterly, utterly hopeless." Sideshow Bob: No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it. Col. Leslie "Hap" Hapablap: We've searched this airbase from top to bottom, and all we've found is porno, porno, porno. Bart: Oh, this is the worst Fourth of July ever, I hate America. Homer: Yeah, well Bart can kiss my hairy yellow butt. African tour guide: Night, night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs paralyze. Mayor Quimby: Are these morons getting dumber or just louder? Mayor's Assistant: Dumber, sir. [Bart and Lisa are watching Krusty's Prison Special] Bart: Man, those cons *love* Krusty. Inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy. Lisa: And vice-versa. Grampa: My Homer is not a Communist... he may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist... but he is *not* a porn star. Homer: [Ranting loudly] YURGIDDAFURDARATAARA. Marge: Homer, what is it? Slow down. Homer: [Calmly and slowly] Yurgiddafurdarataara. Marge: Think before you say each word. Moe: Man, you go through life, you try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch 'em in the face, and for what? Lisa: Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered? Homer: Well, I think the veal died of loneliness. Homer Simpson: Well, what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of... No TV and no beer make Homer something, something. Marge: Go crazy? Homer Simpson: Don't mind if I do. [Goes crazy] Bart: Eat my shorts. Bart: Don't have a cow, man. Marge: So, what did you children learn about today? Bart: Hell. Homer: Bart! Bart: What? That's what we learned about. I'm sure as *hell* can't tell you we learned about *hell* unless I say *hell*, can I? Homer: The lad's got a point. Bart: Hell, yes! Marge: Bart! Bart: Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Marge: Bart, you're no longer in Sunday school. Don't swear. [Professor Frink has just re-animated his dead father using mechanical organs] Professor Frink: All your organs have been replaced with machines, but that doesn't make you any less of a man. Except that you don't have a penis. Bart: Hey wait a minute, man. You don't have to leave just because Superintendent Chalmers tells you to. You've spent your whole life following orders. From your mother, the army, Superintendent Chalmers. For once in your life, stand up for yourself, man. Principal Skinner: Okay, Bart. Mrs. Krabappel: Let's go, Seymour. Principal Skinner: Okay, Edna. Homer: When was the last time Barbara Streisand cleaned out your garage? And when it's time to do your laundry, where's Ray Bolger? I'll tell ya. Ray Bolger is looking out for Ray Bolger. Homer: How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy that gives those sermons in church? Captain What's-his-name. We live in a society of laws, why do you think I took you to see all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughing. Did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Vroom. Beep. Honk. Honk. Ha-ha. Where was I? Oh yeah, stay out of my booze. Eddie: Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns? Moe: No. [buzz] Moe: All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him. [ding] Eddie: Checks out. Okay, sir. You're free to go. Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. [buzz] Moe: A date. [buzz] Moe: Dinner with friends. [buzz] Moe: Dinner alone. [buzz] Moe: Watching TV alone. [buzz] Moe: All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog. [buzz] Moe: Sears catalog. [ding] Moe: Now would you unhook this already, please? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment. [buzz] Mr. Burns: OK, Spielbergo, I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler. Sr. Spielbergo: Schindler es muy bueno, Senor Burns es el diablo. Mr. Burns: Pish posh! Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod! We're both factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked, damn it! Homer: So I said, "Look buddy, your car was upside-down when I got here. And as for your grandmother, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that." Homer: ...And the whole steel mill was gay. Moe: Jeez, where ya been, Homer? The whole steel *industry's* gay. Marge: And our kids are getting lazy. Bart: I'm not lazy, I'm... hey, Lisa, finish my sentence for me. Lisa: Why don't you finish your own darn... [falls asleep, falls off couch] Bart: Guess who? Cecil Terwilliger: Maris? [Cecil is about to blow up Sideshow Bob and Bart] Cecil Terwilliger: And now to kill you. There may be a slight ringing in your ears. Fortunately, you'll be nowhere near them. Rev. Lovejoy: Thanks a lot, Marge. That was our only burlesque house. Homer: I was in a record store, and they were playing all these bands I'd never heard of. It was like the store had gone crazy. Marge: Record stores have always seemed crazy to me. Music is none of my business. Homer: That's all well and good for you, but I used to rock and roll all night and party every day. Then it was every other day... now I'm lucky to find half an hour a week in which to get funky. I've got to get out of this rut and back into the groove. Marge: Homer, I thought our marriage could survive anything, and that there was no line you could cross that could make me stop loving you. But last night, you not only crossed the line, you threw up on it! Grampa: [writing a letter] Dear Mr. President, there are too many states these days. Please eliminate three. I am NOT a crackpot. Homer: Marge, I wanna be a monorail conductor. Marge: Homer, no. Homer: It's my lifelong dream! Marge: Your lifelong dream was to run out onto the field during a baseball game, and you did it last year, remember? [Points to a framed newspaper reading "IDIOT RUINS GAME - Springfield forfeits pennant"] Homer: Marge, I wanna be a blackjack dealer. Marge: Homer, no. Homer: But it's my lifelong dream. Marge: Your lifelong dream was to appear on "The Gong Show", and you did it, in 1977. [Homer has a flashback to him and Barney playing an oversized harmonica] Homer: We got more gongs than the break-dancing robot that caught on fire. George Harrison: Hello, Homer, I'm George Harrison. Homer: Oh my God! Where did you get that brownie? Mr. Bergstrom: And for the record, there were a few Jewish cowboys. Big guys, who were great shots, and spent money freely. Homer: How was everyone's day at school? Bart: Horrible. Lisa: Pointless. Marge: Exhausting. It took the class 40 minutes to locate Canada on a map. Homer: Oh, honey, anyone could miss Canada. All tucked way down there. Homer: Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it. Doctor: Mr. Burns, I'm afraid you are the sickest man in the United States. You have everything. Mr. Burns: You mean I have pneumonia? Doctor: Yes. Mr. Burns: Juvenile diabetes? Doctor: Yes. Mr. Burns: Hysterical pregnancy? Doctor: Uh, a little bit, yes. You also have several diseases that have just been discovered - in you. Mr. Burns: I see. You sure you haven't just made thousands of mistakes? Doctor: Uh, no, no, I'm afraid not. Mr. Burns: This sounds like bad news. Doctor: Well, you'd think so, but all of your diseases are in perfect balance. Uh, if you have a moment, I can explain. Mr. Burns: Well... [looks at his watch] Mr. Burns: [the Doctor puts a tiny model house door on his desk] Doctor: Here's the door to your body, see? [bring up some small fuzz balls with goofy faces and limbs from under the desk] Doctor: And these are oversized novelty germs. [points to a different one up as he names each disease] Doctor: That's influenza, that's bronchitis, [holds up one] Doctor: and this cute little cuddle-bug is pancreatic cancer. Here's what happens when they all try to get through the door at once. [tries to cram a bunch through the model door. The "germs" get stuck] Doctor: [Stooge-like] Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo. Move it, chowderhead. [normal voice] Doctor: We call it, "Three Stooges Syndrome". Mr. Burns: So what you're saying is, I'm indestructible. Doctor: Oh, no, no, in fact, even slight breeze could... Mr. Burns: Indestructible. Homer: Oh my God, I don't know jack about my boy! [sobbing] Homer: I'm a bad father! Patty: You're also fat. Homer: [sobbing] I'm also fat! Homer: I've got more trophies than Wayne Gretzky and the Pope combined. Mr. Burns: Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey for whomever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya. Mrs. Krabappel: As you know, Bart, one day your permanent record will disqualify you from all but the hottest and noisiest jobs. Joey Ramone: [while playing at Mr. Burns' birthday party] Go to hell, you old bastard. Mr. Burns: Have the Rolling Stones killed. Smithers: But sir, those aren't... Mr. Burns: Do as I say. Ralph: [giving report] ... and when the Doctor told me I didn't have worms anymore, that was the happiest day of my life. Miss Hover: Thank you, Ralph, very graphic. Homer: That guy impressed me and I am not easily impressed. Wow. A *blue car*. Principal Skinner: That's two independent thought alarms in one day. Willie, the children are over-stimulated. Remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms. Groundskeeper Willie: I warned ya about the colored chalk, didn't I warn ya? That chalk was forged by Lucifer himself. Homer: It's everybody's fault but mine. Sideshow Bob: [hypnotizing Bart] You are in my power. Bart: [in a hypnotic voice] I am at your command. Sideshow Bob: I didn't say anything about command. If you are in my power, say so. Bart: I am in your power. Sideshow Bob: That's better. No, go back to command. I like that better. Marge: I thought you said the law was powerless. Chief Wiggum: Powerless to *help* you, not punish you. Homer: I know! If I sink to the bottom, I can run to shore. Homer: That's it. I'm getting out of this town alive if it kills me. Homer: Donuts - is there anything they can't do? Mr. Burns: Look at that pig. Stuffing his face with donuts on my time! That's right, keep eating... Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut! There is a poison one, isn't there Smithers? Smithers: Er... no, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers and they consider it murder. Mr. Burns: Damn their oily hides! Homer: I'm like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket and flew to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed? [after Apu's wife Manjula gives birth to Octuplets. Apu has been awake all night trying to put them all to sleep, and has fallen asleep himself] Manjula: [Waking Apu up] Apu, it's 4:00 am, your late for work. Apu: [Wakes Up] Oh, I just had the most beautiful dream where I died. Manjula: Oh, no you don't. Not 'til they're out of college. Apu: Listen, I'll die when I want to. Smithers: Are you sure you want to go through with this, sir? You do have a very full wardrobe as it is. Mr. Burns: Yes, but not completely full, for you see... / [singing] Mr. Burns: Some men hunt for sport, others hunt for food. The only thing I'm hunting for, is an outfit that looks good... / See... my... Vest. See my vest. / Made from real gorilla chest. / See this sweater, there's no better, than authentic Irish Setter. / See this hat? 'Twas my cat, / My evening wear vampire bat. / These white slippers are albino African endangered rhino. / Grizzly bear underwear, / Turtle's necks I've got my share. / Beret of Poodle on my noodle I shall rest. / Try my red robin suit, it comes one breast or two. / See my vest. See my vest. See my vest. / Like my loafers? Former gophers, / It was that or skin my chauffeurs / but a greyhound fur tuxedo would be best. / So let's prepare these dogs... Maid: Kill two for matching clogs. Mr. Burns: See my vest, see my vest, oh please won't you see... my... Vest! I really like the vest. Smithers: I gathered, yeah... Lisa: He's gonna make a tuxedo out of our puppies! Bart: [still humming the tune] Na na na na na na naa naaaa... Lisa: Bart! Bart: Sorry... You gotta admit it's catchy. [Before performing his back treatment] Homer: One, two, better not sue. Chief Wiggum: Let this be a lesson to you - kids never learn. Apu: And Paul here wrote a song called "Live and Let Live". Paul McCartney: Actually Apu, it was "Live and Let Die". Apu: Whatever, it was catchy. Homer: Lenny and Carl suck. Oh, don't tell them I said that Marge, because I don't want to lose their dear friendship. Barney: I think we'd be all better off if each country had it's own planet. Lisa: Hmmm, Pablo Neruda said "Laughter is the language of the soul." Bart: I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda. Mrs. Krabappel: Embiggens? I never heard that word before moving to Spingfield. Miss Hoover: I don't know why, it's a perfectly cromulent word. Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life? Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries. Homer: There's a $10,000 bill in it for you. Barney: Oh yeah? Which president is on it? Homer: Um, all of them. They are having a party. Jimmy Carter is passed out on the couch. [Kang and Kodos have taken the form of Bob Dole and Bill Clinton] Kodos: I am Clin-Ton. As overlord, all will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal commands. End communication. Marge: That's Slick Willy for you, always with the smooth talk. Kent Brockman: Senator Dole, why should people vote for you? Kang: It does not matter which way you vote. Either way your planet is doomed. Doomed. Doomed. Kent Brockman: Well, a refreshing bit of candor from Senator Bob Dole. Elizabeth Hoover: I fail to see the educational value of this assembly. Mrs. Krabappel: Ah, it will be one of their few pleasant memories when they're pumping gas for a living. Homer: Ahhh sweet pity... what would my love life be without it ? Professor Ludwig: Ms. Simpson, do you think there is something funny about the term tromboner? [in the Michael Crichton & Stephen King Bookstore] Hans Moleman: Do you have anything by Robert Ludlum? Storekeeper: Get out. Lisa: What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Bart: It looks like he's trying to jump over her but can't quite make it. Come on, boy! You can do it! Homer: Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream? Apu: I'm gonna party like its on sale for $19.99 Snake: [busts open a loaded cash register] Oh... Good-bye student loan payments. Homer: Apu, if it makes you feel any better, I've learned that life is just one crushing defeat after another until you finally just wish Flanders was dead. Ned Flanders: How do you do it, Homer? How do you silence that little voice that says "Think"? Homer: You mean Lisa? Lisa: [sobbing] I'm ugly, dad. Homer: No you're not. You're cute as a bug's ear. Lisa: Fathers have to say that. Homer: [as Grampa walks by] Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear? Grampa: No, you're homely as a mule's butt! Homer: [to Lisa] See? Homer: The problem in the world today is communication. Too much communication. Grampa: Quick, we have to kill the boy. Marge: How did you know he's a vampire? Grampa: He's a vampire? Ahhhhh. Homer: When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power... like God must feel when he's holding a gun. Homer: I'd kill you if I had my gun. Homer: This gun has made me lose everything... my family, my friends, everything but my precious, precious gun. Marge: You lied to me Homer. You told me you got rid of the gun. Homer: But Marge, I swear, I never thought you'd find out. Homer: Lisa, if I didn't have this gun, the king of England could walk right in here and start pushing you around. [Homer starts pushing Lisa around] Homer: D'you want that? Huh? Do ya? Lisa: No... Homer: Ohhh, stupid movies. Who invented these dumb things, anyway? [menacingly] Homer: Was it you, Bart? Homer: No, no, they're wrong! The creature they seek is the walking undead! Nosferatu! [the rest stare at her blankly] Lisa: A vampire! Homer: [chuckles] Lisa, vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos. Homer: You can't outsmart carnival folk. They're the cleverest folk in the world. Just look at the way they sucker regular folk with their crooked games. Grampa: Son, you're as stupid as a mule and twice as ugly. So if a stranger offers you a ride, I'd say take it. Ned Flanders: The Lord has drowned the wicked and spared the righteous. Maude Flanders: Isn't that Homer Simpson? Ned Flanders: Huh, looks like Heaven is easier to get into than Arizona State. Bart: Dad, is this art or is it vandalism? Homer: That's for the courts to decide. Homer: Stupid risks are what make life worth living. [Lisa is playing goalie for a minor hockey team] Lisa: Milhouse, knock him down if he's in your way. Jimbo, Jimbo, go for the face. Ralph Wiggum lost his shin guard. Hack the bone. Hack the bone. Homer: Wow. Eye of the tiger, mouth of a Teamster. Krusty the Clown: You, sir, are an idiot. Homer: Is this episode going on the air live ? June Velany: No Homer, very few cartoons are broadcast live. It's a terrible strain on the animator's wrist. Homer: "To start, press any key." Where's the "Any" key? Bart: You know, there are names for people like you. Lisa: No there aren't. Bart: Teacher's pet. Apple polisher. Butt kisser. Homer: Bart. You're saying butt kisser like it's a bad thing. [At the hockey match] Homer: Okay Marge, its your child against my child. The winner will be showered with praise. The loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore. Homer: Oh Lisa, there's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield. Lisa: Yes, but the records only go back to 1978 when the hall of records was mysteriously blown away. Marge: This is the worst thing you've ever done. Homer: You say that so often that it lost its meaning. Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such self-help videos as "Smoke Yourself Thin", and "Get Confident, Stupid.". Mr. Burns: Smithers, what's the name of this gastropod? Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. One of your chair moisteners from Sector 7-G. Lenny: There's nothing like revenge for getting back at people. Carl: Vengeance isn't too bad either Bart: Milhouse, there is no such thing as a soul. It's just something parents made up to scare children, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson. Moe: Who'd have thought a whale would be so heavy? [after picking up the phone] Moe: Moe's Tavern. Hold on, I'll check. [to the bar] Moe: Hey, everybody. I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells, and I like to kiss my own butt. [the bar laughs] Moe: Oh, wait a minute. Ralph: Hi, Principal Skinner! Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers! I'm learneding! Grampa: I was on the PT-109 with John F. Kennedy. We were the first to discover his horrible secret. [flashback] John Kennedy: A um ah, Ich bin ein Berliner. Grampa: He's a Nazi, get him. Homer: Oh Bart, don't worry, people die all the time. In fact, you could wake up dead tomorrow. [reading a sign, "Do Not Touch - Willy"] Homer: Do not touch Willy. Good advice. Sideshow Bob: You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five. What about the buffoon lessons, the four years at clown college. Cecil Terwilliger: I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way. Lisa: Um, do you know what you're doing? Sideshow Bob: Lisa, you don't spend ten years as a homicidal maniac without learning a *few* things about dynamite. Bart: I smell a museum. Homer: Yeah, good things don't end with 'eum,' they end with 'mania' or 'teria.' Troy McClure: Welcome to the Knowledgeum, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such automated information kiosks as "Welcome to Springfield Airport" and "Where's Nordstrom?" While you're enjoying our Hall of Wonders, your car unfortunately will be subject to repeated break-ins and... [Fades] Homer: What'd he say? What about my car? Duff book of records: Springfield is now the fattest city in the U.S. Homer: Woo Hoo. In your face Milwaukee. Marge: Homer, we can't take his money. Homer: Aww, I can't take his money, I can't print my own money, I have to work for my money. Why don't I just lay down and die. Homer: Mmmm... unexplained bacon. Homer: Is there anything you can prescribe, Doctor? Dr. Hibbert: Fire, and lots of it. Marge: Oh, that's your cure for everything. Homer: I'm back... Marge: Did you rent "Waiting to Exhale"? Homer: [sadly] No... they put me on the "Waiting to Exhale" waiting list, but told me not to hold my breath. Chief Wiggum: Do it for this adorable little puppy. Look at the puppy, Marge. Marge: That's your hat. Lou: She's good, chief. [a gay pride parade is marching past the Simpson home] Gay men: We're here. We're queer. Get used to it. Lisa: We are used to it. You do this every year. Gay man: Aww, you take all the fun out of it. Mr. Burns: Smithers do you think you could dig up Al Jolson? Smithers: Ummm... Remember we tried that? Mr. Burns: Oh right, he's dead... and rather pungent. The rest of that night is something I'd like to forget. [Smithers and Mr. Burns at the Casino] Smithers: I'm afraid Robert Goulet hasn't arrived yet, sir. Mr. Burns: Very well, begin the thawing of Jim Nabors. [Robert Goulet arrives with Bart at his tree-house Casino] Robert Goulet: Are you sure this is the Casino? Mr. Burns' Casino? I think I should call my manager... Nelson: Your manager says for you to shut up! Robert Goulet: Vera said that? Homer: But I can't leave the country. What about my wife and kids? Smithers: That can be shipped. Principal Skinner: Order, order. Do you kids wanna be like the real UN or do you just wanna squabble and waste time? Ralph: The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there. Homer: Save me Jeebus. Rev. Lovejoy: No Homer, God didn't burn your house down, but he was working in the hearts of your friends be they Christian, Jew, or... miscellaneous. Apu: Hindu. There are seven hundred million of us. Rev. Lovejoy: Aww, that's super. Principal Skinner: Curse the man who discovered helium! Curse Pierre Jules Cesar Janssen! Cartoonist: Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm"? Aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? [backpedaling] Cartoonist: Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that. [pause] Cartoonist: I'm fired, aren't I? Kent Brockman: The Who will be playing tonight at Springfield's historic Yahoo Search Engine Arena. Mr. Burns: Whoa, slow down there maestro. There's a NEW Mexico? Restaurant Owner: C'Mon. You gonna kill him with a pastry? I've seen this man eat a bowl of change. Homer: [drunk] See, the thing about my family is there are five of 'em: Marge, Bart, girl Bart, the one that doesn't talk, and the fat guy. Oh, how I loathe him. Homer: This is it. The last bar in Springfield. If they don't let me in, I'll have to quit drinking. Homer's Liver: YAY. Homer: Shut up, liver... [the Simpsons are buying tickets to a PG-13 movie] Lisa: Mom, why is this movie rated PG-13? Marge: [Reading pamphlet] It says it may contain brief rudeness, adult explosions, and scenes with Garry Shandling. Chief Wiggum: Slink away boys, slink away. Mel Gibson: I'm too old for this. Homer: How old are you, anyway? Mel Gibson: Well, I'm told I can play anyone from 28 to... Homer: Sorry I asked. Homer: Feeling stupid? I know I am. Bart: I wasn't going to gamble. I just wanted a Bloody Mary. Fidel Castro: Ahhh, the Americans aren't *so* bad, they named a street after me in San Francisco. [Aide whispers in his ear] Fidel Castro: It's full of *what*? [Bachman Turner Overdrive is playing at a county fair] Bart: Who are those pleasant old men? Homer: It's BTO. They're Canada's answer to ELP. Their big hit was TCB. [Bart stares at Homer] Homer: That's how we talked in the '70s. We didn't have a moment to spare. Bart: [to Mr. Burns, who is going to steal some paintings] Mr. Burns, can you take me with you? I won't eat much and I don't know the difference between right and wrong. [At the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence awards show] Lisa: This award is the biggest farce I've ever seen. Bart: What about the Emmys? Lisa: I stand corrected. Announcer: Now, let's take a look at a young Charles Bronson's brief stint replacing Andy Griffith in "The Andy Griffith Show" Barney: Where's Otis? He's not in his cell. Bronson: I shot him. Barney: Well that's... what? Bronson: And now, I'm going down to Emmett's Fix-It Shop. [cocks gun] Bronson: To fix Emmett. ["Andy Griffith Show" theme plays] Lionel Hutz: Now, Mrs. Simpson, tell the court in your own words what happened after you and your husband were ejected out of the restaurant. Marge: Well, we pretty much went straight home. Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, remember that you are under oath. Marge: We drove around until three in the morning looking for another open all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant. Lionel Hutz: And when you couldn't find one? Marge: [crying] We... went... fishing. Lionel Hutz: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, do these sound like the actions of a man whose had ALL he could eat? [the jury is made up of fat, obese people] Jury: No, no. Jury Man: No, that couldn't 've been me. Chief Wiggum: At this time we have no leads but I can safely say that Apu didn't suffer. Lou: It looks like he suffered to me chief. Chief Wiggum: Aw jeeze Lou. How long were you planning on letting me drink this stuff? Homer: Wow, it *is* the seventies, right down to the smallest detail. Marge: Hey, the bartender even looks like John Travolta. Bartender: Yeah, *looks* like... [Burns and Smither have been watching Bart Simpson's human interest story on ducks. Burns is crying] Mr. Burns: Smithers, do you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks? Smithers: There's no maybe about it, Sir. Mr. Burns: Excellent. Ned Flanders: So, recycling is just our way of giving Mother Earth a great big hug! Mr. Burns: Yes, well, it does sound delightful! I can't wait to start pawing through my garbage like some starving raccoon! [to Smithers] Mr. Burns: Release the hounds. [to Flanders] Mr. Burns: Well, neighbor, I see you've got your running shoes on. That's a good thing. Ned Flanders: Aaahhhh! [he sees the hounds coming and runs away] Marge: Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week. Homer: Well in that case, He should've made the week an hour longer. Lousy God. Leon Kompowsky: [In Michael Jackson's voice] Hi, I'm Michael Jackson from the Jacksons. Homer: I'm Homer Simpson, from the Simpsons. Police Chief Clancy Wiggum: Put out an APB on a Uosdwis R. Dewoh... Uh, better start with Greek town. FBI Agent: That's Homer J. Simpson, chief. You're reading it upside down. Police Chief Clancy Wiggum: Uh, cancel that APB. But, uh, oh, bring back some of them, uh, gyros. FBI Agent: Uh, chief... you're talking into your wallet. [Homer and Marge discuss the dangers of a monorail] Marge: What if something goes wrong? Homer: Pffft... what if. What if I'm taking a shower and I slip on a bar of soap? Oh my god, I'd be killed! Bart: Hey guys, just so you don't hear any wild rumors, I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia. Homer: Pfff. That's no reason to block the TV. [the Professor Fink theme song] Professor Frink: Professor Fink, Professor Fink/He'll make you laugh/He'll make you think/He likes to run and then the thing with the... person. Homer: In your face, space coyote. [Bart is faking illness to get out of a test he hasn't prepared for] Bart: Ohhhh, my ovaries. Barney: [drinking beer from the tap at Moe's] Uh-oh, my heart just stopped. [pauses] Barney: Oh, there it goes. [playing a word game] Bart: Kwijybo. I win, I'm outta here. Homer: Wait a minute, you little cheater. You're not going anywhere 'til you tell me what a Kwijybo is. Bart: Kwijybo. A big dumb balding North American ape. With no chin. Marge: And a short temper. Homer: I'll show you a big, dumb balding ape. Homer: Just a statue? Is the Statue of Liberty just a statue? Is the Leaning Tower of Pizza just a statue? Homer: Lisa, would you like a donut? Lisa: No thanks. Do you have any fruit? Homer: This has purple in it. Purple is a fruit. Rex Banner: Are you the Beer Baron? Ned Flanders: Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guilt-diddily-ildly as char-didily-arged. Rex Banner: He's not the Baron, but he sounds drunk. Take him in. [Lou and Eddie arrest Ned] [At the Kwik-E-Mart] Dr. Hibbert: [Speaking to Apu] Marge is right, sugar is not only fattening but it's also terribly, terribly addictive... Uh, is my carton of Pixie Sticks in? Apu: No, it hasn't come in yet. Dr. Hibbert: [Pounds his fist on the counter] Dammit. When they come in you call me at this number. Apu: [Reads the number Dr. Hibbert gives him] 911? Homer: Family meeting. Family meeting. [the rest of the family runs into the dining room and quickly takes their seats] Homer: Okay, people, let's keep this short. We all want to get home to our families. [all laugh] Homer: All right, first item: I lost our life savings in the stock market. Now let's move on to the real issue: Lisa's hogging of the maple syrup. Lisa: Well, maybe if Mom didn't make such dry waffles. There, I said it. Marge: Well, maybe if you'd eat some meat you'd have a natural lubricant. [gasps and turns to Homer] Marge: You lost all our money? Homer: Point of order - I didn't lose ALL the money. There was enough left for this cowbell. [rings it softly and the bell breaks apart in his hands] Homer: Damn you, eBay. [Talking about Agnes Skinner in a low-cut dress] Abe Simpson: What's keeping that dress on? Sideshow Mel: The collective will of everyone in this room. Warden: He drew a unicorn in space. I ask ya, what's it breathing? Homer: Air? Warden: Ain't no air in space. Homer: There's an Air & Space Museum... Groundskeeper Willie: All right Skinner, that's the last time you'll slap your Willie around. Homer: Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers. [Skinner hands Edna Krabappel an ice cream cone] Mrs. Krabappel: Oh Seymour, you shouldn't have. It's going to go straight to my thighs. Principal Seymour: Well Edna, it just might have some company. [after days and days on a hunger strike, Homer hallucinates] Homer: Hey, who are you? Ghost: The ghost of Cesar Chavez. Homer: Why do you look like Cesar Romero? Ghost: Cause you don't know what Cesar Chavez looks like. Marge: Oh, Homer, don't start stalking people again. It's so illegal. Remember when you were stalking Charles Karault because you thought he dug up your garden? Homer: Well, something did. Marge: I don't want you stalking people tonight. Homer: All right, fine. I'll be right back. I'm just going outside... to... stalk... Lenny and Carl... D'oh! [Krusty does a Halloween show, reading off cue cards] Krusty the Clown: Tonight I'm going to suck... [waits for second cue card] Krusty the Clown: ...your blood. Homer: The sun? That's the hottest place on Earth. Milhouse: Oh boy, a carnival. Lawyer: Principal Skinner, "The Happiest Place on Earth" is a registered Disneyland copyright. Principal Skinner: Oh now, gentlemen, it's just a small school carnival. Lawyer: And it's heading for a great big lawsuit. You made a big mistake, Skinner. Principal Skinner: Well, so did you. You got an ex-Green Beret mad. [he finger-thrusts the first goon in the Adam's Apple, then kicks the lawyer in the chest; they both go down groaning; as the second goon runs away, Skinner picks up the lawyer's briefcase and flings it into the air; in the distance, it knocks down the goon] Principal Skinner: Copyright expired. Marge: What on earth possessed you to get an earring? Bart: Milhouse has one. Marge: If Milhouse jumped off a cliff... Bart: Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there. Homer: Get back here, boy. You're a disgrace to this family and its proud naval tradition. Bart: Well, I'm keeping this earring and you can't stop me. Homer: Oh... I always thought Lisa would be the one to get her ears pierced. Lisa: Can I? Homer: No. [Homer and Marge have been called in to the school to talk to Principal Skinner] Principal Skinner: Thank you for coming. Homer: Thank you for getting me out of work. Milhouse: [auditioning to become Burns's heir] I have nothing to offer you but my love. Mr. Burns: I specifically said, no geeks! Milhouse: But my mom says I'm cool! Nelson: Gimme your fortune or I'll pound your withered old face in! Mr. Burns: Ooh, I like his energy. Put him on the callback list. Martin Prince: [singing] Clang, clang, clang, went the trolley / Ring, ring, ring, went the bell / Zing, Zing, Zing, went my heartstrings... [Nelson cold-cocks him] Mr. Burns: Thank you! Give the bully an extra point. Lisa: Bart, this is priceless. Bart: Priceless like a mother's love, or the good kind? Miss Hoover: Children, I won't be staying long. I just came from the doctor, and I have Lyme disease. Principal Skinner will run the class until a substitute arrives. Ralph: What's Lyme disease? Principal Skinner: I'll field that one. [goes to blackboard] Principal Skinner: Lyme disease is spread by small parasites called 'ticks'. [writes 'TICKS' on blackboard] Principal Skinner: When a diseased tick attaches itself to you, it begins sucking your blood... Miss Hoover: [not calmed] Oh... Principal Skinner: Malignant spirochetes infect your bloodstream, eventually spreading to your spinal fluid and on into the brain. Miss Hoover: The brain? Oh, dear God... Class: Wow. Martin Prince: As your president, I would demand a science-fiction library, featuring an ABC of the genre. Asimov, Bester, Clarke. Student: What about Ray Bradbury? Martin Prince: I'm aware of his work... Principal Skinner: Are you the substitute? Bergstrom: Yessir, yes I aim. Principal Skinner: Are you insane? [For Show-and-Tell, Bart shows a videotape, titled, 'How Kittens are Born: The UGLY story'] Bart: Oh look, this is really cool. When I hit reverse, I can make them go back in. [after hearing about mummies] Homer: Ooh, pretty creepy. Still, I'd rather have him chasing me than the Wolf Man. Lenny: So then I said to the cop, "No, you're driving under the influence. . .of being a jerk." Marge: Homer, did you jimmy open Mr. Burns' liquor cabinet? Homer: Ooh "Jimmy" is such an ugly word, Marge. Unless you're talking about Jimmy Smits. Mayor Quimby: And now, I'd like to turn things over to our Grand Marshall, Mr. Leonard Nimoy. Leonard Nimoy: [referring to the monorail] I'd say this vessel could do at least Warp Five. [crowd laughs] Mayor Quimby: And let me say, "May the Force be with you." Leonard Nimoy: [annoyed] Do you even know who I am? Mayor Quimby: I think I do. Weren't you one of the Little Rascals? Moe: Bring us your finest food, stuffed with your second-finest. Waiter: Very well, the lobster stuffed with tacos. [after Bart turned himself green in a science accident] Homer: Don't be discouraged, son. I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb. [Homer is driving Mayor Quimby's limo] Mayor Quimby: Just remember... you represent the office of the mayor. So always comport yourself in a manner befitting - quick. Honk at that broad. [Ned Flanders is having a Family Reunion] Homer: Hey, Flanders. Entire Flanders Family: Hiddily-Ho, Neighbourino. Homer: Shut-up. Entire Flanders Family: Okily-Dokily. Lisa: All we found were these oozing berries, and they look pretty poisonous. Ralph: I ated the purple berries... oooh, oohh [falls to ground] Ralph: ooohhh. Lisa: How are they Ralph? Good? Ralph: They taste like... burning. Milhouse: Hey Bart, check out my new earring. Pretty cool, huh? Bart: Milhouse, my mom wears earrings. Do you think she's cool? Milhouse: No, I think she's HOT! Sorry, it just slipped out. Principal Skinner: Hello, Edna. I know we had dinner plans tonight, but instead I'm leaving town forever. [a rat steals the key] Ralph: The pointy kitty took it. [answering a prank phone call from Bart] Moe: Moe's Tavern... Yeah, just a sec, I'll check. [calling out] Moe: Uh, Amanda Hugginkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Hugginkiss. Aw, why can't I find Amanda Hugginkiss? [whole bar bursts into laughter] Barney: Maybe your standards are too high! Moe: [into phone] You little SOB! If I ever find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs up your butt! Homer Simpson: Herb, this is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. I can't believe we blew two thousand bucks on it, when right now rollers could be kneading my buttocks. Herb: Homer, could you stop thinking about your ass? Homer Simpson: I try, but I can't. Bart: [explaining why he mailed Homer's insulting letter to Mr. Burns] Dad, there were things in the letter that had to be said. And I know you, you're an emotional guy, just because you were mad last night, there's no guarantee you'd be mad in the morning, so I figured... Homer: I'll show you mad in the morning! [strangles Bart] Chief Wiggum: Ok all you have to do is record on this tape and get fat Tony to say something incriminating. [Looks at tape] Bart: Hootie and the Blowfish? Chief Wiggum: Hey, it was cheaper than a blank tape. [Discussing Science versus Religion] Ned Flanders: Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins the movie by telling you how it ends. Well, I say there are some things we don't want to know. Important things. [Bill Clinton is playing the saxophone in a marching parade] Moe: Hey Clinton, get back to work. Bill Clinton: Make me. [in Homer's dream] Bart: He thought that trip to the guillotine factory was just for fun, but it was the perfect place to shoot him. [Homer is heading out to participate in Whacking Day] Lisa: Dad, for the last time, please don't lower yourself to the level of the mob. Homer: Lisa, maybe if I'm part of that mob, I can help steer it in wise directions. Now where's my giant foam cowboy hat and airhorn? [Barry White is the Guest of Honor on Whacking Day] Mayor Quimby: Now I'd like to introduce our Grand Marshal, the Prophet of Love, Larry White. Barry White: Barry White. Mayor Quimby: No, it says here Larry White. Barry White: I know my own name. Mayor Quimby: Yeah? Well, we'll just see! Bart: Whacking Day is a sham. It was originally conceived in 1922 as an excuse to beat up on the Irish. Old Irishman: 'Tis true. I took many a lump, but 'twas all in good fun. [At a Cypress Hill Concert] Bart: What's that smell? Lisa: It smells like Otto's jacket. Lisa: Dad, what would you say if I told you that you can lose weight without dieting? Homer: I'd say you were a lying scumbag. Why, honey? [responding to sign on Stoner's Pot Place] Otto: That is flagrant false advertising. [Kim Basinger is working out, Homer is coaching her] Homer: And stretch. And strain. And hyperextend. Keep those knees rigid. Jerk that lower back. Kim Basinger: I'm getting some shooting pains in my neck... Homer: That's right, force it. Whip that neck. [Alec Baldwin enters the room] Alec Baldwin: Does anybody know where this came from? Homer: Oh, there's that script I wrote. Where did you find it? Alec Baldwin: It was on my pillow. Homer: The important thing is, it has the perfect part for you. For either of you. It's about a killer robot driving instructor who travels back in time for some reason. Ron Howard's attached to direct. Ron Howard: No I'm not. Homer: Well, he expressed an interest. Ron Howard: No I didn't. Homer: Did too. [getting death threat letters has made Bart paranoid on his way to school] Marge: [menacingly, with large scissors] Bart... I'm going to GET you... [brightly, clipping coupons] Marge: ...some ice cream at the store since I'm saving so much money on Diet Cola. [Bart walks down the street] Ned Flanders: [menacingly, wearing a Freddy Kruger razor glove] Say your prayers, Simpson... [brightly] Ned Flanders: ...because the schools can't force you like they should. [to Maude] Ned Flanders: Maude, these new finger razors make hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church. [Bart enters class] Mrs. Krabappel: [menacingly] You're going to be my murder victim, Bart... [brightly] Mrs. Krabappel: ...in our school production of Lizzy Borden, starring Martin Prince as Lizzy. [Martin is wearing a dress and a wig, wielding an axe] Martin Prince: Forty whacks with a wet noodle, Bart. [Bart and Milhouse are watching the original Itchy cartoon] Milhouse: [reading] "Itchy runs afoul of an Irishman." Watch out, Itchy. He's Irish. Mel Gibson: Come with me to Hollywood. Homer: You had me at "hello". Mel Gibson: I didn't say hello. [Otto needs to retake his driving test] Bart: I know you can do it, Otto. You're the coolest adult I know. Otto: Wow. I've never been referred to as an adult before. I've been tried as one. [in the school cafeteria] Mrs. Krabappel: Seymour, you have to think of the children's future. Seymour: Oh, Edna. We all know that these children HAVE no future. [everyone stops and stares at Seymour] Seymour: Prove me wrong, children. Prove me wrong. Homer: I feel that if a gun is good enough to protect something as important as a bar, then its good enough to protect my family. Bart: No offense, Homer, but your half-assed underparenting was a lot more fun than your half-assed overparenting. Homer: But I'm using my whole ass. [after finishing building a church] Homer: Look at what a wonderful prison we've built for God. [Marge accidentally got breast implants] Marge: You can't call breast implants a minor misunderstanding. Dr. Hibbert: Look, Mrs. Simpson, if you want, you can come back in 48 hours, and I'll remove them. Marge: You better. If not, my husbands gonna come back here, and do some malpractice on your face. Dr. Hibbert: Oh, yes, your husband. [sarcastically] Dr. Hibbert: I'm sure he'll be furious. Marge: Every truckload of fish we gut brings us 31 cents closer to those tickets home. Bart: And I think I've finally found what I was put on this earth to do [guts some fishes] Bart: knife goes in, guts come out, knife goes in, guts come out [pulls out a talking fish] Fish: Spare my life and I will grant you three... Bart: [guts the talking fish] Knife goes in, guts come out. [the kids of Springfield are broadcasting adults' secrets, in order to embarrass them] Lisa: And, by the way, there is somebody in Springfield who's been practicing medicine without a license. [Dr. Hibbert gulps] Lisa: That's right. Homer Simpson. Homer: D'oh! Ralph: Well, well, well. If it isn't that stupid cop from TV. [picks his ear with his gun] Lisa: Mom, what's happening? Marge: I'm sorry, honey, but we're renting your room to a satellite network until your father can pay for the destruction of a priceless artifact. Boy, I never thought I'd have to say that again. [during the 1960 vice-presidential debates on TV] JFK: I would like to take this opportunity to express my fondness for Duff beer. [cheers] Richard Nixon: Uh, I'd also like to express my fondness for that particular beer. [boos] Homer: The man never drank a Duff in his life. [the Simpsons got a automatic house, that does everything for them] Marge: Ooh, look, we can choose its personality. [Clicks on Matthew Perry] House: Could I BE more of a house? Homer: Ahh, now to spend some quality time away from my family. [Flanders has been transformed into a cow by Hibbert] Ned Flanders: Oh, I'm not asking much, Homer. I just want you to squeeze my teats and harvest my milk. [the Simpsons watch "Law and Order: Elevator Inspectors Unit"] Elevator Inspector 1: Here's the problem, Inspector: the Floor 5 button doesn't light up. Elevator Inspector 2: I think I'm gonna be sick. [Homer is getting stitches in his eyes] Homer: I hate getting stitches in my eye. Stupid crows. Dr. Julius Hibbert: Now, don't be mad at the crows, Homer. They weren't trying to blind you, they were just trying to drink your sweet, sweet eye juices. [Homer is surrounded by crows at Moe's Bar] Moe Szyslak: All right, get 'em outta here. This ain't no crow-bar. THIS is a crow-bar. [Moe reaches under the counter and pulls out a portrait of crows sitting at a bar] Moe Szyslak: See? They got their little stools and everything. [Homer is taunting a shark] Homer: Come on Sharky. Call yourself the king of the jungle? Homer: I don't see any shirts saying Homer is a dope. Salesman: They sold out ten minutes ago. Homer: I'll take one. Lisa: If you believe in angels then why not unicorns or leprechauns? Kent Brockman: Oh Lisa everyone knows leprechauns are extinct. [Groundskeeper Willy has been turned into an ape] Dr. Hibbert: Willy, take these folks' luggage. [to Homer] Dr. Hibbert: Careful, he might try to gnaw on your crotch. Homer: Don't worry, I've been around Scotsmen before. Homer: [lying in a hammock, sings] You put the beer in the coconut and drink it all up, you put the beer in the coconut and throw the can away. [the can hits Flanders on the head] Ned Flanders: Homer. Homer: [sings] You throw the can away. [Another can hits Ned] Ned Flanders: I said, Homer. Judge Harm: [a women, to Bart] You remind me of myself... when I was a little boy. Homer: You know, when I was a boy I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage. Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story? Homer: I like stories. Agnes Skinner: Seymour, tell these people we're going ahead of them. Principal Skinner: I'm not the principal of the line, mother. Agnes Skinner: And you never will be. [Homer becomes a teacher] Lisa: So, dad, will you be teaching from a standardized text or using the more Socratic method? [Homer stares at her, confused] Homer: Yes, Lisa. Daddy's a teacher. [Every inhabitant of Springfield has been turned into an animal] Ralph: [feathers pop out of his back] I'm a dog. Sideshow Bob: Homer, how can one man have so many enemies? Homer: I'm a people person. [Homer is dressed up as a Teletubby] Homer: Hey, Maggie. I'm daddy, the Teletubby. And, I'm all man, in case you heard otherwise. Mark Hamill: Homer, use the for... Homer: The Force? Mark Hamill: The forks. Use the forks. Marge: I can't help but feel this is all my fault. It was those North Korean fortune cookies - they were so insulting. "You are a coward." Nobody wants to hear that after a nice meal. Homer: Marge, you can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, then move on. Marge: Bart's grades are up a little this term. But Lisa's are way down. Homer: Oh, why do we always have to have one good kid and one lousy kid? Why can't both our kids be good? Marge: We have three kids, Homer. Homer: Marge, the dog doesn't count as a kid. Marge: No, I mean Maggie. Homer: Oh, yeah. [the city of Springfield is having an illegal party in the ocean, about 300 yards from American territorial waters] Bart: [on megaphone] What are you gonna do now, Coast Guard? Huh? You can't arrest us or do anything to us. Lousy Americans... Coast Guard: [on megaphone] We can't hear you. Come 300 yards closer. Ned Flanders: Pardon me, neighbourinos. Some of our boys are lost in your town. You wouldn't have happenned to see them, by any chance? Shelbyville Guy #1: Typical. Springfieldians can't take care of their kids. Shelbyville Guy #2: Yeah. That's why we beat them at football almost half the time. [Lenny and Carl are meditating] Lenny: Who... likes... short shorts? Carl: I... like... short shorts. [Homer is setting up a rocket Bart purchased] Bart: This is gonna be cool. Lisa: And also educational. We can learn about science. Homer: Science. Bart: Uh... she didn't say 'science', she said... 'pie pants' Homer: Mmmm... pie pants... Krusty the Clown: Hey yutz. Guns aren't toys - - they're for family protection, hunting dangerous and delicious animals, and keeping the king of England out your face. Homer: They expect me to wait here from 9 to 5? That's... how many hours? [looks at watch; counts fingers] Homer: 10, 11... denominator... Awww where's Lisa when ya need her? [Bart and Lisa both want to go to the Krusty Anniversary Show, and Ralph Wiggum has tickets to take himself and her; his crush] Lisa: I don't even know if I should go. I don't even like him. Bart: You're right, Lis. You shouldn't go. I'll go disguised as you. Lisa: What if he wants to hold hands? Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice. Lisa: What if he wants to kiss? Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice. Lisa: What if he -... Bart: [interrupts Lisa] You don't wanna know how far I'll go. Mr. Kidkill: Escort these gentlemen out. Gay Dressing Room Bodyguard: Avec plaisir. Homer: [runs into church] Sanctuary. Sanctuary. Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, why did I teach him that word? Street Vendor: And, as choice of drinks, we have Mountain Dew or crab juice. Homer: EWWWW. I'll take crab juice, of course. Homer: If the Flintstones have taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement. Mr. Burns: Simpson. I've been reviewing your performance record, and it is appalling. It says here that you caused 17 meltdowns. Bart: I'm not Homer Simpson. Mr. Burns: I know who Homer Simpson is. Not only that, but you also sold plutonium to the Iraqis... with no mark-up. [Homer donates 10000$ to PBS] Marge: [to Lisa] From now on, one of us stays home all the time. Lisa: Agreed. Radio Announcer: So, Monty, tell us when was your first gay experience. Mr. Burns: Oh, that was when I was 5. My father took me to the park, that was a gay old time. [Barney and Homer are in a helicopter, when they land in the middle of a bridge and stop a beer truck. A six pack falls out] Homer: You have to do it Barney. You have to save my kids. Barney: I can't. My nerves are shot. [grabs six pack] Barney: Beer. Homer: [grabs beer] No. I won't let you do it. You have to be sober for this. [chugs beer] Barney: You can't drink them all. Homer: Oh, yeah? [wrestles rest of six pack from Barney and chugs it] Homer: I won't let you do this Barney. Not when you've come this far in... [slurred speech] Homer: being the greatest pal in the world. I love you. I guess it started at graduation, when I- [passes out] Barney: Homer. You brave, brave man. You took 6 silver bullets for me. Homer: [mumbles] Stay away from my wife. Krusty the Clown: Hey, kids! Don't forget to watch my 29th Anniversary show! Featuring clips like this one of Sideshow Mel whacked out on "wowie sauce"! Sideshow Mel: [drunk] Everyone's always kissing your ass! Well, I'm not afraid to tell you, you're a [beep] Marge: Now, I know you're all excited about meeting Aunt Selman's new boyfriend... Patty: But before he gets here there's something you should know about him... Something DISTURBING. [Homer, Lisa and Bart all have thoughts in their heads about what Selma's new boyfriend is like] Patty: You see, Aunt Selma has this crazy obsession about not dying alone. So in desperation, she joined this prison pen-pal program. Her new sweetie's a jailbird. Bart: Cool, he can teach us how to kill a man with a lunch tray. Marge: Now, now he's an EX-convict. He's paid his debt to society. Patty: Then how come you're not using the good silverware? Marge: I'm just not. Homer: [reading a sign saying 'Gym'] A gime? [mispronouncing gym] Homer: what's a gime? Homer: [upon entering gym] Ooooh! A *Gime* Marge: [loveingly] Oh Monty! You're the devil himself Mr. Burns: [shouting] Who told yo- [realises] Mr. Burns: oh, and I would say you are an angel, but angels don't dance that well Homer: Take that, Lisa's beliefs! Guard at Itchy & Scratchy Land: Hello? Itchy & Scratchy Land, open for business! Who are you to resist it, huh? Come on, my last paycheck bounced! My children need wine! Mr. Burns: [Taking Marge on an expedition] What do you think, Smithers? Smithers: I think women and sea-men don't mix. Mr. Burns: We know what you think. Homer: [trying to write a song, Homer is inspired by a "Baby on Board" car sign] Hmmm, Baby on Board. Baby on Board, something something Burt Ward... this thing writes itself! Smithers: [holding a model airplane] We'll take the spruce moose! Hop in! Smithers: But sir, it's just a mod... Mr. Burns: [takes out a pistol] I said, "Hop in." Homer: Guys, I'm sorry I got you expelled. Nerd #1: Don't worry, Mr. Simpson. We can take care of ourselves. [the nerds take two steps, and Snake jumps out of the bushes] Snake: Uhh, wallet inspector. Nerd #2: Okay. Here you go. I believe that's all in order. [all nerds hand him their wallets] Snake: Oh, I can't believe that worked! [runs away] Homer: Wait a minute. That's not the wallet inspector... [Marge made a disgusting breakfast] Lisa: [whispers] Dad, I know a way to get out of this. [out loud] Lisa: Say, Dad, [winks] Lisa: would you like to see my project for the school science fair? [winks] Homer: No, Lisa, [winks] Homer: but I sure don't want to eat this crappy breakfast. [winks] Milhouse: I can't go to juvie, they use guys like me as currency. [Homer and Moe are serving on a nuclear sub] Homer: Damage report, Mr. Moe. Moe: Sonar: out. Navigation: out. Radio: out. Homer: Enough of what's out. What's in? Moe: Ice-blended moccha drinks and David Schwimmer. Homer: Yes, he is handsome in an ugly sort of way. Jimbo Jones: Hey look. Milhouse has an earring. [everyone on the bus starts chanting Milhouse's name in recognition of his newfound coolness] Bart: Hey, if you want cool, check this out. [singing and dancing] Bart: Everybody if you can do the Bart, Man. Shake your body turn it out if you can, can. Do the Bart, Man, yeah. Ralph: That is so 1991. [Bart has had his ear pierced] Lisa: An earring, how rebellious. In a conformist sort of way. Homer: But Marge. You being a cop makes you the man. Which makes me the woman. And I have no interest in that. Besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing. Moe: [dancing on top of the bar] Money gets you one more round, drink it down, you stupid clown. Money gets you one more round, and you're out on your ass. [falls off bar] Moe: OW, my back. Lou: [observing some police attack dogs] Gee, they look pretty mad. Chief Wiggum: Yeah, I've been starving them, teasing them, singing off key... Homer: Barney's movie had heart, but Football In The Groin had a football in the groin. [on the phone] Homer: But Mr. Burns, I can't find you funny anymore. Mr. Burns: I'll either tickle your ribs or feed them to my dogs. Now we're ordering out, so what would you like on your pizza pie..."Extra cheese?" Who do you take me for, Lorenzo de Medici? Homer: Moe, I've got a friend named Joey... Joe Joe Junior... Shabadoo. Moe: That's the worst name I've ever heard. [a man runs out of the bar crying] Barney: Wait! Joey Joe Joe! Nelson: I feel like such a tool. [Marge gets her first unemployment check] Marge: Three hundred dollars for doing nothing. I feel like such a crook. George Bush: Don't worry, it gets easier every week. Lisa: My family never talks about library standards. And every time I try to steer the conversation that way, they make me feel like a nerd. Comic Book Guy: We are hardly nerds. Would a nerd wear such an irreverent sweatshirt? [open his jacket to show off his shirt] Lisa: [reading the shirt] "C:/DOS C:/DOS/RUN RUN/DOS/RUN". [laughs] Lisa: Oh, only one person in a million would find that funny. Professor Frink: Yes, we call that the "Dennis Miller Ratio." Barney: [as Sherry Bobbins is leaving] Bye Superman. Lisa: Dad, do you think we'll ever see Sherry Bobbins again? Homer: I'm sure we will, honey. [She is sucked into a jet engine in the background] Homer: I'm sure we will. Bart: [In a creepy English accent] Join us tomorrow and everyday until the curfew is lifted as we'll be revealing embarrassing secrets about Springfield's other adults. Homer: Well, at least they've already done me. Bart: [In the same accent] And we have plenty more on Homer Simpson. Homer: D'oh! Mr. Burns: Smithers had thwarted my earlier attempt to take candy from a baby, but with him out of the picture, I was free to wallow in my own crapulence. [Homer is drunk] Lisa: You saved us, dad. You did it. Homer: I could do a lot more things if I had some money. Lisa: Wha?... Lisa: Poor little Maggie... How many mental competency hearings have you been to, in your short life? Marge: Who cut my brakes? Homer: Oh, yeah. When I was fixing your car, I kinda spilled all your brake liquid. I didn't want to tell you, 'cause I thought you'd get mad. Belle: Are you wearing a grocery bag? Homer: I have misplaced my pants. Homer: Greetings, friend. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right now. Use it, and send one dollar to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay. Eternal happiness is only a dollar away. Homer: This is Homer Simpson, aka Happy Dude. The court is making me call everybody back and apologize for my telemarketing scam. I'm sorry. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, send one dollar to Sorry Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. You have the power. Homer: Oh yeah, Marge? I made a dollar. Marge: While you were out making that dollar, you lost forty. And the plant called and said that if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday. Homer: WOOHOO! Four day weekend. Homer: Badger my ass, its probably just Milhouse. [after seeing Bart's photo of Homer with princess Kashmir] Homer: [to Bart] Why, you little...! [chokes Bart] Marge: Why, you big...! [chokes Homer] Homer: Friends, you have come to depend on me as your safety watchdog. So you won't scrape yourself, or stub your toes, or blow yourselves up. But you can't depend on me all your life. You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us, and I'm going to have to live without your respect and awe. The only reason I'm telling you is, I'm going to be leaving you... But don't worry, I've just been appointed the new Safety Inspector at this very plant, and a big fat raise! Scratchy: Hey you're beautiful. Marge: Aww. Look who's found a new love. That means you'll have to be neutered. Scratchy: [grabbing himself] NOOOOOOO! Moe: [Answering phone] Moe's tavern. Bart: Yeah, is Al there? Moe: Al? Al who? Bart: Al Coholic Moe: Just a minute; [to the bar patrons] Moe: is there an Al Coholic here? Al Coholic! Anybody here know an Al Coholic? Lisa: Chief Wiggums... Don't... Eat... The... Clues. Burns's suit... Look. Chief Wiggum: What? Lisa: Burns's suit. Look. Chief Wiggum: What? Lisa: Burns's suit. Burns's suit. Chief Wiggum: I'm not following you. Lisa: Look at Burns's suit. Sheesh. Bart: Hey McBain! I'm a big fan but your last movie really sucked. Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain: I know. There were script problems from day one. Chief Wiggum: Yeah I'll say. MAGIC TICKET MY ASS MCBAIN! Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain: Maria! My mighty heart is breaking. I'll be at the bar. Dr. Hibbert: [Mensa Club is giving a public speech] When are we going to get to my speech? Comic Book Guy: Quit butting in please. Your IQ is a mere 155 while mine is a muscular 170. [singing to the Star Trek theme] Comic Book Guy: I am smart. Much smarter than you. Hibbert! Professor Frink: You should all do what I do. My IQ is 199 for crying out glaving. [Accidentally bumps his head] Professor Frink: 198... 197. Stephen Hawking: Big deal. My IQ is 280. Homer: Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps. Bart: Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you. Homer: Why you little... [Homer is sitting at the dinner table in all black with a balaclava on his head] Marge: Why all the black? Homer: Why all the pearls? Why all the hair? Why anything? Lisa: You look a little nervous, Dad. Homer: No, YOU look a little nervous, Lisa. Bart: You're up to something, aren't you, Dad? Homer: NO. I'm just going out now to commit certain deeds. Krusty the Clown: Get ready for two weeks at the happiest place on earth... Tijuana! Krusty the Clown: And this ends Krusty's non-denominational holiday fun fest. So have a Merry Christmas, a Happy Chanukah, a Krazy Kwanzaa, a Tip Top Tet, and a solemn, eventful Ramadan. Now, over to my god, our sponsors. Krusty the Clown: Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hanta virus? That came out of left field. So if you're experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box... [gets interrupted by a newscast] Homer: If you're going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things. Homer: Hey, kids! Want to drive through that cactus patch? Bart: Yeah! Lisa: Yeah! Sideshow Bob: [underneath car] No! Homer: Well, two against one! [drives through cactus field] Sideshow Bob: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Homer: Well, everything ended fine. Marge: No, it didn't. Bart's dead. Homer: Saying I'm sorry won't bring him back. Marge: The gypsy said it would. Homer: Pff. She's not the boss of me. Kent Brockman: The alien has appeared in the Springfield Forest for the last two Friday nights. Will it appear again this Friday? The entire Channel 6 News Team will be there, except for Bill, the boom mike operator, who's getting fired tomorrow. [boom mike hits Kent] Kent Brockman: Very unprofessional, Bill. Kent Brockman: At the risk of editorializing, these women are guilty, and must be dealt with in a harsh and brutal fashion. Otherwise, their behavior could incite other women leading to anarchy of biblical proportions. [pause, pounds desk] Kent Brockman: It's in "Revelations", people. Kent Brockman: Springfield has been overrun by a strange and almost certainly evil sect, calling themselves The Movementarians. In exchange for your home and all your belongings, the Leader of this way out... and wrong religion, the Leader claims he'll take believeres to the planet, Blisstonia. Excuse my editorial laugh. [laughs] Kent Brockman: But... [pauses] Kent Brockman: Ladies and gentlemen, I just learned of a new change in management. Welcome, Movementarians. I love you, perfect Leader... and new CEO of KBBL Broadcasting. Ralph: [knocks on door] Hi. Can Lisa come out with her hands up? [waves to cops hiding in bushes] Private detective: Where's principal Skinner's office? Groundskeeper Willie: Wait a minute. You can't just walk in there. Private detective: You know, you're the spitting image of the Aberdeen strangler. Groundskeeper Willie: Carry on. [leaves, whistling] Moe: Go home, science girl. Lisa: I am home. Moe: Good, then stay there. Bart: [reading] Whoa, Dad's been arrested six times. Aww, Mom's only been arrested twice. TV Announcer: Tonight on "Wings"... enhh, who cares? [Homer, Lenny, Carl and Barney are sitting in Homer's garage, drinking] Homer: [to Marge] Barkeep. Another beer. Marge: Wasn't this supposed to be your tavern? Homer: It's a family place. Right, kids? Lisa: Can we go to bed now? Groundskeeper Willie: If it was up to me, I'd let you go; but the Gods have a temper, and they've been drinking all day. Fat Tony: What's a murder? Homer: Een America, first you get da suger. Den you get de money. Den you get de power. Den you get de weemen. [Otto left his fiancee at the altar because of Marge] Bart: Say, I got an idea. Why don't you stay with us? Marge: Bart, remember that talk we had about inviting people to stay with us without asking? Homer: Marge, remember that talk we had about ruining peoples' weddings? Marge: A woman doctor? Well, now I've seen everything. Marge: Well, I guess it was a pretty funny practical joke. I like the ones where nothing catches on fire. Barney: So, I say, when we die there should be two planets- one for the French and one for the Chinese. Barney: What do you mean I forgot my birthday? How could I forget- [chugs a beer glass] Barney: - my own birthday? Homer: Careful. These pants cost me 600$. Moe: 600$? Homer: Yeah, they're Italian. Moe: [pulls out shotgun and points it at Homer] All right, hand them over. Homer: Moe? Moe: Yeah, I rob now. Social Worker: So, this is your room? Lisa: Yes. My room is my sanctuary. My family members know that and respect that. Bart: [runs in] Lisa, I got sprayed by a skunk. Let me rub it off on your sweaters. Lisa: [takes out stress ball and starts squeezing it] Just ten more years, just ten more years, just ten more years... Homer: I'm gonna come back with the best gift a husband can get a wife- an annulment from my second wife. Abe Simpson: [to Homer] You know, I have a son about your age. [Ginger wakes up next to Abe] Ginger: Wha? Abe Simpson: Good morning, honey. Ginger: Who are you? Abe Simpson: I'm your husband. We got married yesterday. Ginger: But, how? We didn't?... You know. Did we? Abe Simpson: You know, we almost didn't. But you wouldn't take "I can't" for an answer. Marge: If I had known that there were loose women in Las Vegas, I would've never let you go. Homer: Now, what were we talking about, boy? Bart: Uhhhh... we were talking about the time you beat jury duty. Homer: Oh, yeah. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races. Barney: [to Adam West] So long, Superman. Your secret identity is safe with me. [the Red Hot Chili Peppers are performing at Moe's bar] Bart: Hey, Red Hot Chili Peppers, do you want to appear on a Krusty comeback special? Flea: Sure, if you can get us outta this gig. Bart: No problemo. [Bart points to the wall behind Moe] Bart: Hey Moe, look over there. Moe: What? What am I looking at? [Bart and the Red Hot Chili Peppers walk out the door] Moe: I'm gonna stop looking here in a second. What, is *that* it? [Homer walks into the bar] Homer: Hey Moe, can I look too? Moe: Sure, but it'll cost ya. Homer: My wallet's in the car. [He runs outside] Moe: He is so stupid. And now, back to the wall... Homer: Yep, nobody's more wild and youthful than old man Burns. Snake: I'm gonna win you back, even if it means I got to pistol whip this dude [Homer] Snake: all night. Homer: [scared] Pistol whip? [imagines himself eating whipped cream from a pistol] Homer: Hmm, pistol whip... [Homer is strangling Bart because he made a popular cartoon based on him] Bart: [chokes] There's going to be a movie about you. Homer: [stops choking Bart] Who's going to play me? Bart: John Goodman. Homer: [continues choking Bart] Isn't it obvious it should be Gary Oldman? Marge: So you're saying that I should bribe Lisa back to Christianity? Rev. Lovejoy: Sure. You could save a lot more souls with roller-skates and Easy-Bake ovens, than with this [lifts Bible] Rev. Lovejoy: 2000 page sleeping pill. [while Moe is away, Homer is in charge of the bar] Homer: [picks up phone] Hello? Bart: Hello, is Ali Tabooger there? Homer: Ooh, Bart. My first prank phone call. What do I do? What do I do? Bart: Don't panic. Just ask for Ali Tabooger. Homer: I don't get it. Bart: Ask for I'll Eat A Booger. Homer: What's the joke? Bart: [sighs] Forget it. [hangs up] Krusty's Accountant: So let me get this straight - you took all the money you made franchising your name and bet it AGAINST the Harlem Globetrotters? Krusty the Clown: But I thought the Generals were due. [watches the game on TV] Krusty the Clown: He's spinning the ball on his finger. Just take it. That game is fixed. Homer: Hey, it's the first day of the month. New billboard day. [drives by, reads first billboard] Homer: "This year, give her English muffins". Whatever you say, Mr. Billboard. Homer: [in jail; looks out window and sees Moe singing about going to Hawaii] Hawaii? What about Hawaii? Moe, who's going to Hawaii? Am I going to Hawaii? Chief Wiggum: [bangs on Homer's jail cell] Stop saying "Hawaii" in there. [At an auction] Homer: Heh, heh, heh. Watch me burn Flanders. [picks up sheet] Homer: Ned Flanders bids 50$. [evil laugh] Auctioneer: And the recipient of the 100$ bill is Ned Flanders. Homer: D'oh! Ned Flanders: This is going straight to the orphanage. Homer: D'OH! Rainer Wolfcastle: [to piece of pie] You remember when I said I'll eat you last? I lied. Bart: This is Milhouse. He's my best friend, because... Well, geographical convenience. [Lisa just wakes up after passing out] Homer: Lisa? Lisa? Are you ok? Lisa: Ok? I'm great. I'm ready for the gymnastics class, now. Ich bin ein gymnast. Homer: Awww, she must've dreamt about Hitler, again. [In a Chinese Krusty factory] Krusty the Clown: Laziness is counter-revolutionary. [In order to go to College, Lisa convinced two College girls that her house is an off-campus dorm] College Girl #1: Hey, Lisa. Where've you been? Lisa: In heaven. College Girl #2: I love her. She's such a free spirit. College Girl #1: She has to be, where she lives. That place had a Manson Family vibe... Ralph: Why do people keep running away from me? [wets himself and smiles] Marge: [about a gay man] Homer, he prefers the company of men. Homer: Who doesn't? Marge: Sitting that close to the TV is bad for your health. Homer: Talking to me while I'm watching TV is bad for your health. Marge: You know, you have to stop drinking? Cowboy: What do you care? Marge: I don't know. I just naturally I assumed that it was any of my business. Lead Pirate: And now, back to secret pirate island- Hong Kong. Brazillian Kidnapper: [opens suitcase full of money] Ahh, look at all that pink and purple. Our money sure is gay. [Santa's Little Helper has crawled into the vent at Springfield Elementary] Ralph: Um, Miss Hoover? There's a dog in the vent. Miss Hoover: Ralph, remember the time you said Snagglepuss was outside? Ralph: He was going to the bathroom. Homer: Oh man, oh man. We killed Mr Burns. Mr Burns is gonna be so mad. Homer: Hello, Son. I wanna apologize. I got so caught up in trying to encourage you, that I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you come back and play for the team, I promise I'll never encourage you again. Lisa: Why is there no dial tone? Marge: Your father refuses to pay the bill, so the company cut our phone lines. Lisa: [sighs] Why must you fight every utility? Homer: [annoyed] I told you, I have too much free time. [At Moe's] Lenny: It's a good thing you stopped smoking the magic grass, Homer. You were getting spaced out. Carl: Yeah, we were planning an intervention, but I got alcohol poisoning that night. Bart: Why would Duff publish a book. Lisa: It was designed to settle fights in taverns. Homer: Whoo-hoo. She said "tavern". I'm going to Moe's. [runs away and drives off] Marge: I never agreed to that rule. Moe: Well the only way I can recoup from this is... [takes out a can of gas, pours it all over his bar, and throws and lighted match on it] Carl: Um, aren't you supposed to get insurance first? Moe: Oh crap. [Lisa is missing a crayon; Homer had a crayon removed from his brain making him smarter] Marge: [reassuringly] Sweetheart, the missing crayon could be anywhere. Homer: [crashes through living room window and holds up two fistfuls of tickets] Who wants lottery tickets? Marge: [resigned] Okay, it's in his brain. [leaves] [Homer holds up Lisa to attract a bull] Homer: Here, Toro. Here's something to gore. Lisa: DAAAAAAAAAD. Homer: Not now, honey. Daddy's busy. [Bart and Milhouse are watching a secret tape of police informants] Ned Flanders: I really hate to be a snitch. Chief Wiggum: Don't worry, your yellow-bellied ratting will be held in the strictest confidence. Ned Flanders: Well, in that case, my neighbor Homer released a radioactive ape into my house. It's, uh, taken over the top floor. Bart: It wasn't dad's fault. The ape tricked him. Ralph: [after being sprayed by fake blood] I look like cable T.V... Mr. Burns: Damn it, Smithers! This isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery! Manjula: Apu, you have completed the list. You may now move back with your family in your never ending disgrace. Homer: Wait a minute. You forgot to eat a light bulb. Apu: Thank you very much, you fat blabbermouth. Sorry, sorry. It's been a rough month. Homer: [gives him light bulb] Here you go. [whispers] Homer: Don't worry. I soaked it in the toilet to soften it up. Professor Frink: Oh, what gave me away? Out of curiosity, was it the "hoyven," or the "maven," or was it the whole guh-HOYVEE... thing... that I do? Homer: Stupid family going to stupid Flanders' stupid barbecue. What if they got back and I was dead from not eating? Then they'd be sorry. They'd say, "Oh no, why did we go to Flanders barbecue? Why did we leave Homer all alone without any food?" And I'd be laughing. Laughing from my grave. Heh heh heh. Fat Tony: Greetings, Homer. Homer: Hey, Tony. Still with the mafia? Fat Tony: Uh, yes, thank you for asking. You might remember, a while ago you were done a favor by our... how shall I put this... mafia crime syndicate. Homer: Oh yeah, that's right? Fat Tony: Well, I have come to inform you that now it's your turn to do US a favor. Homer: Wait - you mean the only reason the Mob did me a favor was because they wanted something back in return? Fat Tony. I say good day to you, sir. Fat Tony: [Ashamed] Okay... I'll go now. [He leaves the building] Fat Tony: Hey... wait a minute. Homer: Oh, I almost forgot. While I was at the court house, I had them change your name. Marge: To what? Homer: Chesty La Rue. Marge: CHESTY LARUE? Homer: Just try it for two weeks. If you don't like it, you can be Busty St. Claire. Marge: I don't want to be Chesty La Rue or Busty St. Claire. Homer: Fine. Hooty McBoob it is. Marge: Goodnight, Homer. Homer: Goodnight, Hooty. Marge: Give me those. Homer: I'm sorry. I can't come in today. Religious holiday. The feast of... Maximum Occupancy. [Homer is elected union kingpin] Homer: So what does this job pay? Lenny: Nothing. Homer: D'oh! Lenny: Unless you're crooked. Homer: WOOHOO! Quimby's Assisstant: Election in November. Election in November. Mayor Quimby: AGAIN? This stupid country. Apu: Where's a gun-toting lowlife when you need one? Snake: Sorry, I was in the can. Homer: Ahh. A hungry hungry hippo. [Arnie's helicopter goes down during a snowstorm] Arnie Pie: Mayday, mayday. We're going down. Tell my wife I love... Kent Brockman: [Chuckles and shuffles papers] That's great, Arnie. [the Simpsons' drywall collapses and Maggie crawls out of it] Homer: [in baby talk] Maggie. That's where you were, honey. You were hiding in the drywall, yes you were. Daddy's sure happy Social Services didn't see this, yes he is. Bart: Dad, I can't believe you're risking my life to save your own. Homer: Son, you'll understand one day, when you have kids. Stan Lee: Say, aren't you the guy who was stalking Lynda Carter? Comic Book Guy: The term is "courting," thank you. The restraining order says "no-no," but her eyes say "yes-yes." Kent Brockman: Now, at the risk of being unpopular, this reporter places the blame for all of this squarely on YOU, the viewers. Homer: Here, little fella'. [Homer pours beer into Linguo's mouth] Lisa: Dad. No. Linguo: Error. Homer: I'm sorry. I thought he was a party robot. Lisa: Oh. This is why I can't have nice things. Grrr... every time I design a robot, somebody comes along and breaks it. Lisa: Almost done. Just lay still. Linguo: Lie still. Lisa: I knew that. Just testing. Linguo: Sentence fragment. Lisa: Sentence fragment is also a sentence fragment. [Linguo's eyes move back and forth as it thinks] Linguo: Must conserve battery power. [Linguo shuts itself down] First mobster: Hey. They's throwin' robots. Linguo: They are throwing robots. Second mobster: It's disrespecting us. Shut up a'you face. Linguo: Shut up your face. Second mobster: Whatsa' matta you? First mobster: You ain't so big. Second mobster: Me an' him are gonna' whack you in the labonza. Linguo: Mmmm... AAH!... bad grammar overload. Error. Error. [Linguo explodes] Hank Scorpio: By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country? Italy or France? Homer: France. [Scorpio adjusts a giant laser cannon pointing towards the sky] Hank Scorpio: Heh heh heh. Nobody ever says Italy... [Homer's family wants to move back to Springfield, but he likes his new job at Globex] Homer: We've got it great here. And for the first time in my life I'm actually good at my job. My team is way ahead of the weather machine and germ warfare divisions. [Scorpio has a James Bond-style secret agent strapped to a table with a cutting laser edging up towards him] Hank Scorpio: Ingenious, isn't it, Mr. Bunt? Secret Agent: Scorpio, you're totally mad. Hank Scorpio: Hah. I wouldn't point fingers, you jerk. Secret Agent: So, do you expect me to talk? Hank Scorpio: I don't expect anything from you, except to die and be a very cheap funeral. [walks off] Hank Scorpio: You're gonna die now. Marge: I saved these for you, Bart. You'll always have them to remind you of the time when you were the whole world's special little guy. Bart: Thanks, Mom. Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase. Homer: [breaks lamp] D'oh! Bart: Aye Carumba. Marge: Hmmmmm. Maggie: [sucks pacifier] Ned Flanders: Hidely-ho. Barney Gumble: [belches] Nelson: Ha-ha. Mr. Burns: Excellent. Dr. Hibbert: You can't let a single bad experience scare you away from drugs. Mr. Burns: [to Homer] Young man, I'm making you my executive vice president. Smithers: Sir, I believe that position was informally promised to me. Mr. Burns: Oh, Smithers... I would have said anything to get your stem cells. [Dr. Nick's commercial] Dr. Nick: You've tried the best. Now try the rest. Homer: Lisa, why didn't you warn me? Being a brain has alienated me from all my friends. Lisa: Dad, as intelligence goes up, happiness often goes down. In fact I made a graph... [wistfully] Lisa: I make a lot of graphs... [the oil rig Homer's working on has caught on fire] Homer: Oh no. This is how faceless Joe lost his legs. Marge: I can't even think of how many times your father has done something crazy. Lisa: WAIT A MINUTE. [pulls out a timekeeper] Lisa: Yup, 300 times. Otto: They call 'em "fingers," but I never see 'em fing. Oh wait, there they go. Moe: Oh boy, it looks like it's suicide again for me. [phone rings] Chief Wiggum: Heh, yeah, right, lady: An elephant ran through your front yard. Okay. [rings again] Chief Wiggum: Wiggum... Yeah, right, mister, mm-hmm. An elephant just knocked over your mailbox. Okay. [rings again] Chief Wiggum: Wiggum... Yeah, right, buddy, liquor store robbery, officer down. Sure. And I'm Edward G. Robinson. L.T Smash: [watching Bart's Band] Those guys are gonna be huge. [to Skinner] L.T Smash: And you tried to get in their way. Principal Skinner: No I didn't. I even got in early to prepare orange drink. L.T Smash: Orange drink? What, do you live with your mother? Principal Skinner: *She* lives with *me*. [in front a "Best Teacher's Award" committee] Bart: [in a video] This year, I'd like to nominate my teacher- Ms. Krabappel. Shy may not be glamorous or entertaining. She's just a normal teacher who's always there. And, she's never given up on me- Bart Simpson. [all committee members gasp in horror] Committee member #1: Bart Simpson? I thought he was an urban legend. [hardly anyone is in church on Super Bowl Sunday] Rev. Lovejoy: Well, I'm glad some people could resist the lures of the big game. Man: OH MY GOD, I FORGOT THE GAME! [he runs out of church] Homer: We're going to Disney World. [Homer is seen in front of the Magic Kingdom at Disney World, while sirens sound and searchlights search for Homer] "Mickey Mouse": [over loudspeaker] Step away from the wall, step away from the wall. Homer: It's so beautiful. [Homer disappears over fence] Homer: One churro, please. Cast Member: That'll be fourteen dollars. Homer: [crying] No. No, no, nooooo. Here. Bart: Bart, your mortal enemy's on the radio! [Bart turns on the radio] Dr. Demento: It's time for more deeeeeeee-mentia, with Dr. Demento! [Bart yells and throws the radio out the window] Lisa: I meant your other mortal enemy, Sideshow Bob. Bart: Wow. I'm only ten and I already got two mortal enemies! Bart: Stomp that pickle revert. Otto: Sick lingos, boys. Bart: I've gotta go to the bathroom. Otto: Ah, ah, talk to the snowboard. Bart: Uh, I've gotta blast a douche? Otto: Douche on. [Phone rings] Rupert Murdoch: Hello, Murdoch here... 10,000 dollars? You've saved my network. Bart: Wouldn't be the first time. Homer: Dancing away my hunger pain... moving my feet so my stomach won't hurt... I'm kinda like Jesus, but not in a sacrilegious way... Moe: Jeez, Homer's losing it already. Carl: Yeah but his weary shuffling makes my heart smile. Abe Simpson: You know, I thought I was too old. I thought my time had passed. I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain, or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank heaven for children. Bart: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, contrary to what you have just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and The Star Wars Trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool gory pictures. See you next week. Peace, man! Gabriel: Homer, you're a bad man and your seed should be wiped from the earth... no offense, children. [Homer thinks Gabriel is an angel] Homer: Gabriel, this is a bar where they serve beer, which is the mortal equivalent of your ambrosia. Gabriel: Homer, I'm not an angel. Homer: Well, not with that attitude. Lou: Looks like another case of Monopoly related violence, chief. Wiggum: How do those Parker Brothers sleep at night? Mulder: Are we alone in the universe? Impossible. When you consider the wonders that exist all around us... voodoo priests of Haiti, the Tibetan numerologists of Appalachia, the unsolved mysteries of Unsolved Mysteries... The truth it out there. Lisa: I think it's ironic that dad saved the day while a slimmer man would've fallen to his death. Bart: Yeah, and I think it's ironic that dad's butt actually prevented the release of toxic gas. Principal Skinner: I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Just remember, if I find out you cut class, your ass is mine. Yes, you heard me. I think words I would never say. Homer: I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Meow-Meow-Meow-Meow-Meow-Meow-Meow-Meow-Meow... Homer: What does "sequestered mean"? Principal Skinner: If the jury is deadlocked, they're put up in a hotel so that they cant communicate with the outside world. Homer: What does "deadlocked" mean? Principal Skinner: It's when the jury cant agree on a verdict. Homer: And "if"? Principal Skinner: A conjunction meaning "in the event that" or "on condition of". Homer: So "if" we get "deadlocked", we'll be "sequestered" at the Springfield Palace Hotel. Where we'll get a free room, free food, free swimming pool, free HBO. Ooh. Free Willy. Ned Flanders: Sir... There's no reason Sarah needs to do this scene in the altogether. Sara Sloane: Sam, he's got a point. Katherine Hepburn never showed her breasts. Movie Director: There's still time. [Bart is preparing a batch of appetizers for Skinner's party] Lisa: What's with the dog food? Bart: My theory is - Skinner likes dog food. [both leave, Homer walks in the room] Homer: Ooh, a fresh batch of American balls. Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, it's Up Late With McBain! I'm your host, Corporal Obengruppenfuhrer Wolfcastle. And now, here's McBain! [McBain walks out on stage] Rainer Wolfcastle: Ja, thank you, ja. Let's hear it for my music guy, Skoey. That's some outfit, Skoey. It makes you look like a homosexual. [audience boos] Rainer Wolfcastle: Well, maybe you all are homosexuals, too. [audience boos] Selma: Sideshow Bob tried to kill me on our honeymoon. Lawyer: How many people in this court are thinking of killing her right now? [a few people raise their hands] Lawyer: Be honest... [everyone raises their hand; a man gasps when he notices Patty] Patty: Ah, she's always leaving the toilet seat up. Lenny: With a woman working here, we won't be able to spit on the floor anymore. Carl: And we won't be able to take our pants off when it gets really hot. Homer: And we won't be able to pee in the drinking fountain... [receives stares] Chief Wiggum: All right, Simpson, where's the fire? [Homer points to the police station, which is on fire] Chief Wiggum: All right, Simpson. You just bought yourself a 417, pointing out police stupidity. Or is that a 413? No, a 413 is a dog, and... um... you're in trouble, pal. [Cheif Wiggum releases some attack dogs to look for Milhouse] Kirk Van Houten: Will they just find him... or will they find him and kill him? Chief Wiggum: They'll find him, and, um... um... Kirk Van Houten: Um, excuse me, you didn't answer my question. You just trailed off. Chief Wiggum: Yeah, I did, didn't I? [a realtor is showing Bret Hart around Mr. Burns' mansion] Bret "The Hitman" Hart: Eww. This place has got old man stink. Mr. Burns: Ooh. Waylon Smithers: Don't listen to him, sir. You've got an enchanting musk. Chief Wiggum: [answer machine] 9-1-1. This better be good. [Marge has just sliced off Homer's thumb] Marge: I'm sorry. Homer: Sorry doesn't put thumbs on the hand, Marge. Homer: [after observing Barney's movie] Wow, I'll never drink another beer again. Vendor: Beer here. Homer: I'll take ten. [at a cemetery] Homer: I sure could go for a hot dog right about now... Marge: Homer, we're at a funeral. Hot Dog Vendor: Hot dogs. Get your hot dogs here. Homer: Woohoo! Marge: Do you follow my husband around? Hot Dog Vendor: Lady, he's putting my kids through college. Lisa: Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB. Bart: Hey, Homer, what's that B for? Homer: That's a typo. Chief Wiggum: All right, where's Sideshow Bob and that guy who uh, eats people and takes their faces? Prisoner: I'm right here, Chief. Chief Wiggum: OK, then. Where's Sideshow Bob? Prisoner: Eh, he ran off. Chief Wiggum: Oh, great. Well, if anyone asks, I uh, beat him to death. [reading from a bomb's casing] Sideshow Bob: "Best before November 1959." Dammit, Bob. There were plenty of brand new bombs, but you had to go for that retro 50s charm. Marge: You should probably see a doctor about this... Homer: OK. Marge: [realizing] A competent doctor. Homer: D'oh! Homer: Wow, Barney. You brought a whole beer keg. Barney: Yeah... where do I fill it up? [Buck's house is garnished with steakhouse paraphernalia] Bart: Wow. It's like you're living in a steakhouse. Buck McCoy: Why, thank you. Most people just mutter that. Bart: Lis, can you keep it down? I'm in the middle of a crank call here. Principal Skinner: [on phone] Actually, my refrigerator *wasn't* running. You've saved me quite a bit of spoilage. Thank you, anonymous young man. Grampa: Smingers did it. Case closed. Now where's my hat? I'm going to the outhouse. [leaves] Lisa: We don't have an outhouse. Homer: AH! My toolshed! Homer: Hello, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Snotball, first name Ura. Moe: Ura Snotball? Homer: What? How dare you. If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran. Moe: That's it, Homer. I'm taking your caricature down from Mount Lushmore, and I'm pulling your favorite song out of the jukebox. Homer: "It's Raining Men"? Moe: Yeah, not no more it ain't. Homer: And I gave that man directions, even though I didn't know the way, because that's the kind of guy I am this week. Bart: [the night after Bart hears a woman scream from Flanders's house, Bart sees Flanders digging a hole in his backyard] Bart: This can't be what it looks like. There's gotta be some other explanation! Ned Flanders: I wish there was some other explanation for this. But there isn't. I'm a murderer, I'm a murderer! Bart: Then that's not the real Ned Flanders. Ned Flanders: I'm a mur-diddly-urdler! Bart: If that's not Flanders, he's done his homework. Homer: See, the great thing about animation is that you don't have to pay the actors squat. Ned Flanders: [speaking in a different voice] But they can change them and no one would know the diddly-ifference. Homer: [singing along to the tune of Chumbawumba's "Tumpthumping"] I take a whiskey drink, I take a coffee drink, and when I have to pee, I use the kitchen sink. I sing the song that reminds me I'm a urinating guy. Mr. Burns: I think I'll donate a million dollars to charity... when pigs fly. [both Burns and Smithers start laughing, a pig flies by their window] Smithers: Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir? Mr. Burns: Eh, I'd still rather not. Homer: And I got this scar sneaking under the door of a pay toilet. Secret Service Agent: I can do everything from reading bedtime stories to changing diapers. Grampa: Put me down for one of each. Ned Flanders: Ho ho ho, suckin' down the cider, uh? Hey, word to the wise - [shows Homer a card] Ned Flanders: season pass. It pays for itself after the sixteenth visit. You know, most people don't know the difference between apple cider and apple juice, but I do. Now here's a little trick to help you remember. If it's clear and yella', you've got juice there, fella. If it's tangy and brown, you're in cider town. Now, there's two exceptions and it gets kinda tricky here... Homer's Brain: You can stay, but I'm leaving. [Homer's brain floats away] Ned Flanders: ...can be yellow, if they're using late season apples. And, of course, in Canada, the whole thing's flip-flopped. [Homer collapses] Marge: Careful of that apple pie on the back seat... Grampa: Uh-oh. Marge: Grampa, are you sitting on the pie? Grampa: I sure hope so. Bart: Grampa, I need some advice. Did you ever fall in love with an older woman? Abe Simpson: I fell in love with the OLDEST woman. A hundred and twenty-four years old, she was. Here's a picture of her delivering Eubie Blake. Bart: Wow. What happened? Abe Simpson: She fell in with that Guinness Book of Records crowd; all of a sudden she didn't have time for me. Ohhh, I wore a fifteen-pound beard of bees for that woman, but it wasn't enough. [Mr. Burns looks through a portfolio of his old stocks] Mr. Burns: Hmm, let's see..."Confederated Slave holdings." How's that one holding up? Lawyer: It's, uh, steady. Ron Howard: Is that... vodka... and wheat grass? Homer: It's called a "lawnmower". I invented it. Want one? Krusty's Assisstant: George Carlin on line two. Krusty the Clown: [on phone] Lawsuit? Oh yeah? MY Seven Words You Can't Say On TV bit is completely different from YOUR Seven Words You Can't Say On TV bit. Oh yeah? Well, excuse me! [hangs up] Krusty the Clown: Give him ten grand. Krusty's Assisstant: Steve Martin on line two. Krusty the Clown: Ten grand. Homer: That's it. You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college. Bart: I don't think any of us expected him to say that. Homer: Wait a minute... there's something bothering me about this place. I know. This lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit. Enjoy your death trap ladies. [leaves] Lesbian: What's her problem? Homer: [thinks] Oh, man. I have to go to the bathroom. Why did I have all that beer and coffee and watermelon? Mr. Burns: Now Homer, I know what you're thinking, and I want to take the pressure off. It doesn't take a whiz to see that you're looking out for Number One. [as he speaks, there is a leaky pipe dripping in the background, and Smithers pours him coffee from a pot with a long spout] Mr. Burns: Well, listen to me, and you'll make a big splash very soon! [He gestures, knocking his coffee cup and causing some to spill into the saucer] Homer: Oh, which way to the bathroom? Grampa: We can't bust heads like we used to. But we have our ways. One trick is to tell stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for m'shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt. Which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Gimme five bees for a quarter, you'd say. Now where was I... oh yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time. You couldn't get white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones... Krusty the Clown: [while recording talking doll voices] One. Hey hey, kids, I'm talking Krusty. Two. Hey hey, kids. Here comes Slideshow Mel, I mean, Sideshow Mel. Four. [laughs] Krusty the Clown: Bada bing, bada boom. I'm done. Learn from the professionals, kid. [leaves] Technician: Uh... we're ready to roll, Krusty. Krusty? [Homer and Mr. Burns are playing golf; Homer is in a sand trap] Mr. Burns: For god sakes, man. Use an open-faced club. The sand wedge. Homer: Mmmmm... open-faced club sandwich. Milhouse: Step over this line and say that. I'll kick your butt... at Nintendo. Dr. Nick: Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use pop tarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon. Bart: You could brush your teeth with milkshakes. Dr. Nick: Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too? Marge: Well if loving my kids is lame, then I guess I'm just a big lame. Nelson: Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark. Principal Skinner: Up yours, children. [At the St. Patrick's Day Parade] Kent Brockman: All this drinking, violence, destruction of property... are these the things that we think of when we think of the Irish? Nelson: Hey, I'm on TV. Fart. Homer: All right, to find Flanders, I just have to think like Flanders. Homer's Brain: I'm a big four-eyed lame-o. And I wear the same stupid sweater every day... Homer: The Springfield River! [Bart finds Jay Sherman hanging from the roof by his underwear] Bart: [laughs] You bad-mouthed MacGyver, din't you? Chief Wiggum: Your story is very compelling, Mr. Jackass, um, Simpson. Let me just type it up on my invisible typewriter. Homer: Fine. You don't have to humiliate me. [leaves, a man enters carrying a blowtorch] Man: I just torched a building downtown and I'm afraid I'll do it again. Chief Wiggum: Right. Let me just type that up on my invisible typewriter. Chief Wiggum: Uh, Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news. Your husband was found DOA. Marge: Oh my god. He's dead? Chief Wiggum: Oh, wait, I mean DWI. I always get those two mixed up. [a woman walks in] Woman: My name's Mrs. Phillips. You said my husband is DWI? Chief Wiggum: Uh... why don't you talk to that officer over there? I'm going out to lunch. [looking at a board marking the cat burglar's victimized houses] Chief Wiggum: What do you think of this, boys? Eddie: Well, it doesn't look like anything, but if you move these two here, and this one here... Chief Wiggum: It almost looks like an arrow. Lou: And it's pointing right at this police station. Chief Wiggum: Let's get out of here! [everyone runs] Rev. Lovejoy: Now Homer, feel free to tell us anything. There's no judgment here. Homer: The other day I was so desperate for a beer that I snuck into the football stadium and ate the dirt under the bleachers. Rev. Lovejoy: I cast thee out! Chief Wiggum: All right, come out with your hands up, two cups of coffee, an auto freshener that says "Capricorn", and something with coconut on it. Jay Sherman: Hey, McBain. Your shoe's untied. Rainer Wolfcastle: [after many hours pass] Upon closer inspection, these appear to be loafers. [Apu reveals the entrance to his secret garden] Lisa: Wow, a hidden staircase. But what do you do if someone wants a non-alcoholic beer? Apu: You know, it's never come up... Homer: And to think I turned to a cult for mindless happiness when I had beer all along. Marge: Mmmmm... Homer: And you, Marge, the bringer of beer. Marge: And punish Lisa for lying to us. Homer: All right, young lady. March yourself right down to the Quik-E-Mart and get me some chips and a beer. Homer: Beer. Now there's a temporary solution. [Homer places Bart in front of a sexy billboard] Homer: Well, it's been two hours. How do you feel? Bart: I dunno. I kinda want a cigarette. Homer: That's good. Let's get you a pack. What's your brand? Bart: Anything slim. Homer: D'oh! Lou: That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place. Chief Wiggum: Forget it. That's two blocks away. Lou: Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney. Chief Wiggum: I am proceeding on foot. Call in a code 8. Lou: [on the radio] We need pretzels. Repeat, pretzels. [Grampa pays a visit] Marge: Where are we going to put him? Homer: Bart's room. Lisa: Bart's room. Marge: Bart's room. Bart: Dumpster. Krusty the Clown: Here's a feature never before seen on TV - dumb pet tricks. Catch the rubber ball, Fifi. [the dog goes for Krusty's nose] Krusty the Clown: AH. SOMEBODY SHOOT IT. SOMEBODY SHOOT IT. Marge: How's Bart's tutoring going? Lisa: Mom, the only thing Bart's tutoring is guerilla warfare in Shelbyville. Marge: Come again? Lisa: Mom, Bart went with a bunch of kids to go wage war on Shelbyville. Marge: Homer, come quick. Bart quit his tutoring job and joined a violence gang. [forming a vigilante group] Homer: All right, I'll be Cue Ball. Barney can be Eight Ball, Lenny will be Twelve Ball, and Moe, you'll be Cue Ball. Moe: You're an idiot. Homer: You know Bart, maybe it's just the concussion talking, but anyway you chose to live your life is OK. Bart: Huh? Lisa: He thinks you're gay. Bart: He thinks I'm gay? [Homer reads label on medicinal pot] Homer: Caution, objects may apppear more edible than they actually are. Homer: Its been three days and my mind is clearer, my sperm count is up and I'm able to recognise simple shapes and patterns. Lisa: Dad, you just said that three minutes ago. Bart: As long as you're doing things for me, will you tie up your bathrobe when you walk around the house? Homer: NEVER. [Homer is teaching a Successful Marriage course] Homer: Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster's dictionary describes a wedding as: the process of removing weeds from one's garden. Homer: Look everyone, now that I'm a teacher I've sewn patches on my elbows. Marge: Homer that's supposed to be leather patches on a tweed jacket, not the other way around. You've ruined a perfectly good jacket. Homer: Correction, Marge. [He holds up a tweed jacket with two large holes in the back] Homer: Two perfectly good jackets. Mr. Burns: As punishment for your desertion, it's company policy to give you the plague. [trying to get out of work] Homer: Hey, where's Charlie? How'd he get out of this? Carl: He's at home on disability. Lenny: Yeah, he got injured on the job and they just sent him home with pay. It's like a lottery that rewards stupidity. Homer: Stupidity, eh? Kent Brockman: "What are you lookin' at?" - the innocent words of a drunken child. [Upon receiving death threat letter written in blood] Homer: Oh my God. Someone's trying to kill me. Oh, wait, it's for Bart. Lisa: This is pretty far to go just to spite Moe, isn't it? Homer: It's not about spite, it's about petty revenge, and getting back at that traitor Moe. Smithers: What's wrong with this country? Can't a man walk down the street without being offered a job? Marge: Look at this place. The house number is spelled out with letters. Homer: Get used to it, honey. From now on we'll be spelling everything with letters. Marge: The only thing I asked you to do for this party was put on clothes, and you didn't do it. Apu: The fact that I cannot bowl wreaks havoc with my self-esteem too, hey, but who am I to complain? [Moe is on a soap opera] Moe: Cleo, you've brought music to my heart, but this relationship can never last. I mean, I'm a doctor and you're a 5000-year-old mummy I brought back to life. [Homer throws pudding at Lenny's face] Lenny: Ow, my eye. I'm not supposed to get pudding in it. Smithers: Actually, thanks to our creative bookkeeping and corporate loopholes, we only pay about $3 in taxes a year. Mr. Burns: $3? We're getting screwed. Chief Wiggum: [after pulling over Troy McClure] I'll tear this ticket up, but I'm, um, still going to have to ask you for a bribe. Apu: Apu, you gotta help me! I need a Valentine's gift for my wife! Homer: Perhaps this might be appropriate? [takes out a box of chocolates in a heart-shaped box] Homer: Yes! You saved my life. How much? Apu: One hundred dollars. Homer: WHAT? That's highway robbery, I won't pay it! Apu: Oh, I think you will. Homer: Forget it, pal! [Homer starts to leave the store, Apu hums peacefully] Homer: All right! But I'll never shop here again! Apu: [thinking] If he discovers the discount supermarket next door, all is lost. Apu: Nickel off on expired baby food. Homer: Sold! Grampa: Whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear. It holds the answer to all the important questions. [pulls out underwear] Grampa: Let's see, first name, first name... [reading] Grampa: "call me... Abraham Simpson." Lisa: Grampa, how'd you take off your underwear without taking off your pants? Grampa: I don't know. Mr. Burns: [opens his germ-free chamber and sees Homer in it, eating a sandwich] Who the devil are you? Homer's Brain: Don't panic. Just come up with a good story. Homer: My name is Mr. Burns. Homer's Brain: D'oh! Apu: The aspirin is $24.95. Marge: $24.95? Apu: I lowered the price because an escaped mental patient tampered with the bottle. Herb: [rings Simpsons' bell] Now, what do I do? I mean, this is the guy who ruined me. Then again, he's my brother... So many conflicting emotions. How to express them? Homer: [opens door] Herb. [Herb punches him in the face] Homer: Oh well. At least we'll die doing what we love: inhaling molten rock. Mr. Burns: I'll have my lunch now: a single pillow of shredded wheat, some steamed toast, and a dodo egg. Homer: But I think the dodo went extinct... Mr. Burns: Get going. And answer those phones, install a computer system, and rotate my office so the window faces the hills. Willy: If your dad goes ga-ga, you just use that shinn' of yours to call me and I'll come a' running. But DON'T be reading my mind between four and five. That's Willy's time! [after Springfield floods, Ned rides out of his garage on a boat filled with animals] Ned Flanders: I've got two of every animal, but only males. Don't want any hanky panky. [Some of the animals start making noise off-screen] Ned Flanders: Now cut that out. [at Itchy & Scratchy Land] Announcer: Attention, Marge Simpson. Your son has been arrested. Woman: I'd be terribly embarrassed if I was that boy's mother. Marge: Mmmmm... Announcer: Attention, Marge Simpson. We've also arrested your older, balder, fatter son. Marge: Mmmmmmm... Homer: I've joined the Naval Reserve. Barney: I'm not going to let anything happen to my best friend. I'm joining too. Moe: I'm not going to let anything happen to my two best customers, I'm joining, too. Apu: Even though my religion strictly forbids military service, what the hey. [onboard a submarine] Homer: Mr. Moe, prepare to surface. Moe: You want to stop calling me Mr. Moe? Homer: No. Homer: All right, Marge. We'll get your nanny. And to pay for it, I'll give up the Civil War Recreation Society I love so much. [cut to Moe's] Moe: All right, Homer's out. We'll need a new General Ambrose Burnside. Barney: I'm not too fond of our Stonewall Jackson, either. Apu: The South shall COME AGAIN. Marge: Lisa, hello. How are you doing in England? Remember, an elevator is called a "lift", a mile is called a "kilometer" and botulism is called "steak and kidney pie". Homer: Well, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy. Marge: What's that? Homer: A dinosaur. Marge: I have nothing to say to you. Homer: But Marge, I was a political prisoner. Marge: How were you a political prisoner? Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a diagram? Bodyguard: Who's going to protect you? Mayor Quimby: [points to Homer] HIM. Homer: WOOHOO! Marge: Homer, I don't think you were listening to what they just... Homer: I said "WOO. HOO." [Homer is drunk] Homer: Have you ever seen that Blue Man Group? Total ripoff of the Smurfs. And the Smurfs, well, they SUCK. [At an American embassy] Homer: [points to guard] Hey, look. You're one of those guards like at Buckingham Palace. I can do whatever I want, and you can't do anything. [starts dancing and pulling stupid faces] Guard: [punches Homer in the face] No, sir. United States Marine Corps, sir. Jimbo: Dude, buzz has it an even wussier kid has an even better pool than this! [all the kids jump out, leaving Lisa stood at the bottom of an empty pool] Lisa: Hello? Hey, I'm stuck in here! I gotta think of a way to get out! Lisa's Brain: Well, well, well... look who's come crawling back. [Wiggum's car plunges into a landfill] Chief Wiggum: And to think, those stupid environmentalists were protesting this landfill. Homer: Solid waste. I could kiss you. [kiss it] Homer: EWWW... [kisses it] Homer: OOH... [kisses it] Homer: BLECH... [kisses it] Homer: OOH, I think this was pizza... Chief Wiggum: Oh my god, somebody took a bite out of the giant rice krispy square. Oh, and the waiter's been brutally beaten. [Kent Brockman is covering a summer camp mutiny] Kent Brockman: Ladies and gentlemen, I've been to Vietnam, Afghanistan, and Iraq, and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together. Lisa: I don't think anyone in this family could be capable of murder. Grampa: You never know what people are capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a German plane. But last year, I proved myself wrong. Lisa: [running past Moe's] It's noon. That's usually when dad gets the brew shakes. [Moe turns his bar into a comedy club] Marge: Four drink minimum? Homer: I'll cover you, honey. Homer: [reading] "Dear Homer, I owe you one emergency donut. Signed, Homer." [crumbles up paper] Homer: Bastard. He's always one step ahead. Homer: English side ruined, must use French side... LE GRILLE? what the hell is that? [prank calling Dean Peterson] Homer: Hello, Dean? You're a stupidhead. Dean Peterson: Homer, is that you? [looks out window, sees Homer on a pay phone across the street] Homer: [looks up, sees the Dean] AAH! [runs away] Frank Grimes: Can you believe that guy? He fell asleep inside a radiation suit. Lenny: He had three beers at lunch. That would make anyone sleepy. [Homer and Marge go skinny dipping and Wiggum's helicopter flies overhead. They scream] Chief Wiggum: Do not be alarmed. Continue swimming naked. Oh, come on! Continue! Come on! Aw... all right, Lou, open fire. Nelson: HA HA. Milhouse: Nelson, he's really hurt. I think he broke his leg. Nelson: I said, "HA HA." Homer: Bart, if foodstuffs should touch the ground, said foodstuffs shall be turned over to the village idiot. Since I don't see him around, start shoveling. [Homer has changed his to Max Power] Homer: Kids. From now on there are three ways of doing things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way. Bart: Isn't that just the wrong way? Homer: Yes, but faster. [Homer walks into a cactus] Homer: Well, kids, it's Valentine's Day. You know what that means? Bart: We get to watch TV with the sound turned way up. Lisa: What are you and mom going to be doing? Homer: Oh, we're going to be upstairs, making love... ly rope ladders in case of a fire. [Homer's reading a book about corporate success] Homer: Tip #1- "Live every day as if it was your last". Done and done. [cut to Homer sitting on a curb, crying] Homer: I don't want to die. I'm so young. Marge: What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested? Marge: Well, honey... Homer: Let me handle this, Marge. I've heard 'em all. [ticking off on his fingers] Homer: "I like you as a friend", "I think we should see other people", "I no speak English"... Lisa: I get the idea. Homer: "I'm married to the sea", "I don't want to kill you, but I will"... Marge: Honey! Lisa, I'd tell this boy you're flattered, but you're just not ready for this sort of thing. Lisa: Thanks, Mom. Homer: And if that doesn't work- six simple words: "I'm not gay but I'll learn." [trying to get into George Bush's house] Homer: Hey, Bush. Get out here. Secret Service Agent: Excuse me sir, where're you going? Homer: I'm going to punch George Bush in the face. Secret Service Agent: OK, is he expecting you? Homer: Hehehe... Clowns are funny. Homer: [singing] I'm shavin' my shoulders. [an African American man dressed like a Gangsta rapper stops Bart in the hallway] Man: Hey, this class is aces. You go from 'slopper' to 'proper' like. Bart: Cool. [Rushes into the room where an old lady is teaching an etiquette class] Old Lady: The proper gentlemen... Bart: Etiquette class? But the guy outside said... Old Lady: Are you accusing my husband of *misleading* you? Good gracious. I should bust a cap in your ass. [Homer has given Bart a "cursed" Krusty doll] Grampa: That doll is evil, I tells ya! Evil! EEEE-VIL! Marge: Grampa, you said that about all the presents. Grampa: I just want attention. Ned Flanders: They were bigger than Jesus. Bart: How come we haven't heard anything about your second album? Bart: What did you do, screw up like The Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus? Homer: All the time. In fact, that was the title of our second album. [Homer is on trial in the court of "Infernal Affairs"] Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night, the sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it. Principal Skinner: [over intercom] Attention. All honor roll students will be rewarded by a trip to an archaeological dig. Also, all detention students will be punished with a trip to an archaeological dig. Marge: Homer, Kang is Maggie's father. Homer: You intergalactic hussy. [cries] Homer: Was he better than me? Dr. Nick: 'Inflammable' means flammable? What a country. [Homer is in a car with hippies Seth and Munchie. Marge is walking down the street] Homer: Hi Marge. We're freaking out squares. Marge: Oh, Lord... Homer: What's in your brand new bag, momma? Marge: Oh, it's that pair of Dockers you wanted. Forty-eight waist with the balloon seat, right? Homer: [panicking] Marge, not in front of the hippies. [Seth and Munchie laugh] Chief Wiggum: [speaking on megaphone] Attention hippies. Come out peacefully so we can smash your drug mill and all your worldly possessions. [Homer has to write his full name on an application form but he doesn't know what his middle initial stands for] Bart: Uh, so Dad, regarding that form, why not just make up a middle name? Lisa: You might as well. You already made up a phony film credit. Homer: No. Homer Simpson does not lie twice on the same form. He never has and he never will. Marge: You lied dozens of times on our mortgage application. Homer: Yeah, but they were all part of a single ball of lies. The point is, I'm a grown man, and I deserve a middle name. [Homer dies after eating a piece of broccoli] Homer: Saint Peter. Woo hoo. Got to heaven before you, Flanders. [wiggles his butt at Earth below] Homer: Ha-ha-haha-ha. [educational film: "The Meat Council Presents... Meat and You: Partners in Freedom. Number 3F03 in the 'Resistance is Useless' series."] Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such educational films as "Two Minus Three Equals Negative Fun" and "Firecrackers: The Silent Killer". Agnes Skinner: 'Nuff talk, it's smashin' time. Homer: I'm a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world. Lisa: Cheer up, Dad. Did you know the Chinese use the same word for 'crisis' as they do for 'opportunity'? Homer: Yes. Crisitunity. [Homer has joined a crew of "lost souls"] Woman: We wander the seven seas trying to forget. Homer: Forget what? Englishman: Oh, boy, here we go. Woman: My story of jilted love is long and bittersweet. If anyone has to go to the bathroom, go now. I don't want you walking around during my story. Englishman: My story's better, it has tigers. Ed Begley, Jr.: I prefer a vehicle that doesn't hurt Mother Earth. It's a go cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction. Marge: Ooh. I never knew Jim Belushi made so many movies. Homer: Yeah, isn't it amazing? They're filming one right now in the bathroom. It's gonna be on towards the end of the flight. [a camera crew films Jim Belushi walking down the aisle] Belushi: Toga. Toga. Toga 2000. Homer: Marge. They stole my idea. Homer: Well, I've always been a firm believer in the three R's. Reading TV Guide, um... Writing to TV Guide, um... and Renewing TV Guide. Homer: If you don't start making more sense, we're going to have to put you in a home. Grampa: You already put me in a home. Homer: Then we'll put you in the crooked home we saw on 60 Minutes. Grampa: [cowering] I'll be good. Kent Brockman: Tonight on Eye on Springfield, we meet a man who's been hiccupping for 45 years. Man: [hic] Kill me. [hic] Man: Kill me. Marge: Homer, I'd like to talk to you. Homer: But then I won't be watching TV. You can see the bind I'm in. Lisa: [takes the monkey's paw] I wish for world peace. [a finger on the paw closes] Homer: Lisa, that was very selfish of you. Troy McClure: I'm actor Troy McClure. You might remember me from such TV series as "Buck Henderson, Union Buster" and "Troy and Company's Summertime Smile Factory". Today I'm here to tell you about "Spiffy.", the 21st century stain remover. Let's meet the inventor, Dr. Nick Riviera. Dr Nick: Thank you, Troy. Hi, everybody. Crowd: Hi, Dr. Nick. Nelson: [to Bart] Hey, Simpson, where's your Losermobile? Homer: Losermobile, heh heh heh... wait a minute. Woman: We're having a free get acquainted session at our resort this weekend. Homer: How much is this free resort weekend? Man: It's free. Homer: And when *is* this weekend? Man: It's this weekend. Homer: Uh-huh, and how much does it cost? Man: Um, it's free. Homer: I see, and when is it? Man: It's this weekend. Homer: And what are you *charging* for this free weekend? Lunchlady Doris: Yon meat, 'tis sweet as summer's wafting breeze. Homer: Can I have some? Lunchlady Doris: Mine ears are only open to the pleas of those who speak ye olde English. Homer: Sweet maiden of the spit, grant now my boon, that I might sup on some suckling pig this noon. Lunchlady Doris: Whatever. Homer: OK, Marge, I'll plan everything: we can have the reception at Moe's. Wait. Why not have the whole wedding there? We'll do it on a Monday morning. There'll be fewer drunks. Marge: Homer, don't be offended, but I've obtained a court order to prevent you from planning this wedding. Mayor Quimby: You can't seriously want to ban alcohol. It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism. Helen Lovejoy: Oh. [sobs] Helen Lovejoy: Won't somebody please think of the children? Homer: Ooh, it's been St. Patrick's Day for hours, and I'm still not drunk yet. Moe: I've been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly, but never ugly ugly. Moe: It's like my dad always said: eventually, everybody gets shot. [Homer has just performed the good deed he needs to get into heaven] Homer: There, did you see that? Saint Peter: Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't looking. Homer: I thought you guys were always watching. Saint Peter: No, you're thinking of Santa Claus. Bart: Hey, dad. Heard you were swearing. Mind if I join in? Crap, boobs, crap! Manjula: Oh, little Maggie, aren't you cute with your little bow. [does baby-talk] Marge: Maggie loves baby talk. Manjula: That was Hindi. Waiter: The Spruce Caboose, the biggest, most expensive train ever built. Some said it was too big to stay on the tracks. [Points to a picture of the train lying on its side and chuckles] Waiter: They were right. Bart: Well, Milhouse. Ready to imitate that Jackass show? Milhouse: The disclaimers make me want to do it more. [Homer has just been shot] Lisa: You know, Dad, that's probably something you should go to the hospital for. Homer: After pie. Homer: Oh, I've eaten eight different meats. I am a true renaissance man. [takes a huge bite of pork] Lisa: I'll go to the first aid tent and tell them to plug in ye olde stomach pump. Homer: [to Marge] You know, I've had a lot of jobs... boxer, mascot, astronaut, imitation Krusty, baby-proofer, trucker, hippie, plow driver, food critic, conceptual artist, grease salesman, carny, mayor, grifter, bodyguard for the mayor, country western manager, garbage commissioner, mountain climber, farmer, inventor, Smithers, Poochie, celebrity assistant, power plant worker, fortune cookie writer, beer baron, Kwik-E-Mart clerk, homophobe and missionary. But protecting Springfield, that gives me the best feeling of all. Mr. Burns: What are you doing in my corpse hatch? Bart: Mr. Burns, you're under arrest for murder. Mr. Burns: I mean... what are you doing in my 'innocence tube'? [Bart and Homer are about to race their horse] Homer: Don't worry. I've seen enough of the "Horse Whisperer" to know how to win a race. Homer: [whispers to horse] When you're on the race track, run really fast. [a Lady compliments Barney's movie] Barney: You're very kind. Lady: Excuse me, did something crawl down your throat and die? Barney: It didn't die. Larry Burns: This place is emptier than a Scottish pay toilet. Homer: What does the I stand for? Tour Guide: Important. Homer: Ah. And the V? Tour Guide: Very. Homer: One more question... Tour Guide: Person. Homer: I see. What's the I stand for again? Chief Wiggum: Book 'em, Lou. [points to the bear] Chief Wiggum: One count of being a bear. [points to Barney] Chief Wiggum: And one count of being an accessory to being a bear. Lisa: This is your chance to get a fair shake for the working man. Homer: And make life-long connections to the world of organized crime. Mmm... organized crime. Moe: Hey, Homer came up with the drink, but I came up with the idea of charging $6.95 for it. Homer: [reading the newspaper] Asleep at the switch? I wasn't asleep. I was drunk. [Homer's TV interview] Homer: Someone had to take the babysitter home. And that's when I noticed that she was sitting on her [edit] Homer: sweet can. So I grab [edit] Homer: her [edit] Homer: sweet can. Ooh, just thinking about her [edit] Homer: can [edit] Homer: I wish I had another [edit] Homer: sweet s-s-s-s-s-s-s-weeet... Kent Brockman: Simpson scandal update: Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent which he believes gives him sexual powers! Homer: HEY! That's a half-truth! [Homer's job interview with the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant] Smithers: Now, let's say that there's something wrong with the reactor... Homer: There's a problem with the reactor? We're all gonna die. [Homer runs out, screaming] Nelson: I can't sing without dancing. J.C. Chasez, Justin Timberlake, Lance Bass, Joey Fatone, Chris Kirkpatrick: Fine. Thrust, spin, turn, pivot, pout, jiggy, jiggy, robot, dosido, and close with a Matrix. Nelson: Nobody pouts going into a jiggy. Milhouse: Yeah, that's stupid. Ralph: I want to twirl. Homer: Save a guy's life, and what do you get? Nothing! Worse than nothing! Just a big, scary rock! Bart: Hey, don't knock the head, man. Marge: Homer, you don't do things like that to be rewarded! The moral of the story is that a good deed is its own reward! Bart: But we got a reward, the head is cool! Marge: Well, then maybe the moral is, no good deed goes unrewarded. Homer: Wait a minute! If I hadn't written that nasty letter we wouldn't have gotten anything. Marge: Mmmm... then I guess the moral is, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Lisa: Maybe there is no moral, Mom. Homer: Exactly! It's just a bunch of stuff that happened. Marge: But it certainly was a memorable few days. Homer: Amen to that. [the whole family laughs] Chief Wiggum: Where on my badge does it say anything about protecting people? Lou: Uh, second word, chief. [Before setting sail on a submarine] Captain Tonielle: Any Questions? Homer: Is a Poop Deck what I think it is? [laughing] Captain Tonielle: I like the cut of your jib. Homer: What's a Jib? Captain: Promote that man at once. [R.E.M. is playing in Homer's garage] Peter Buck: Michael, are you sure these guys are millionaires? Michael Stipe: Of course I'm sure, would a poor person afford to have a bar in his garage? Moe: You can't run a bar in your garage, it's illegal. Homer: Bar? This isn't a bar. This is a hunting club. Michael Stipe: You lied to us. [Michael Stipe smashes a beer bottle and tries to attack Homer] Peter Buck: Michael, no. Mike Mills: It's not the R.E.M. way. Michael Stipe: You're right. Come on, let's recycle these shards and get out of here. [Homer is working at a drive-thru window] Homer: Yeah, what do you want? Marge: My husband by my side. Homer: You want fries with that? [the writers of MAD Magazine are in conference] Writer: Why don't we call it "Everybody HATES Raymond"? [Everybody laughs] Chairman: Well, we had to stay here all night, but it was worth it. Doctor: This can't be right. This man has 104% body fat. [he looks and sees Homer eating a drumstick] Doctor: Hey, no eating in the tank! Homer Simpson: Go to hell. Cecil: Now make yourself at home. Perhaps a glass of Bordeaux? I have the '82 Chateau Latour and a rather indifferent Rausan. Sideshow Bob: I've been in prison, Cecil. I'll be happy just as long as it doesn't taste like orange drink fermented under a radiator. Cecil: That would be the Latour, then. [after being transported into the "Itchy & Scratchy Show"] Bart: Lise, look. We're characters in a cartoon show. Lisa: How humiliating. [filing out medical forms] Mr. Burns: Social security number? Naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, 2. Damn Roosevelt. Cause of parents death? Got in my way. George Bush: If they don't think George Bush will go into the sewer, they don't know George Bush. Moe: Don't worry, I learned how to make plenty of drinks at bartending school. [reading off an old mixed drink recipe list] Moe: Gin and... tonic? Do they mix? Homer: Moe, gimme a beer quick. I've got five minutes before the music store closes. Moe: Why don't you just go there first? Homer: Hey, I don't tell you how to do *your* job. Moe: Sorry, Homer. Homer: You know, if you tip the glass, you won't get so much foam on top. Moe: Sorry, Homer. [Homer looks at goldfish in a pond] Homer Simpson: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm... unprocessed fish sticks. [on TV, during an "Itchy & Scratchy" cartoon] Quentin Tarantino: What I'm trying to say in this cartoon is that violence is everywhere in our society, you know, it's like even in breakfast cereal, man. [Itchy cuts off his head and him and Scratchy dance around it] [Bart is trying to convince Marge and Homer to let Otto live in their garage] Marge: Well, Homer, doesn't the Bible say, "Whatsoever you do unto even the least of my brothers, that you do unto me?" Homer: Yes, but doesn't the Bible also say, "Thou shalt not take... moochers into thy... hut?" Ned Flanders: You know, a man came into the store today and asked for change for a dollar, and I accidentally gave him three quarters. Took me all afternoon just to track him down. [Mr. Burns made a bet that the plant softball team would beat Shelbyville] Mr. Burns: I've decided to bring in a few ringers, professional baseballers. We'll give them token jobs at the plant and have them play on our softball team. Honus Wagner, Cap Anson, Mordecai "Three-Finger" Brown... Smithers: Uh, sir? Mr. Burns: What is it, Smithers? Smithers: I'm afraid all of those players have retired and, uh... passed on. In fact, your right-fielder has been dead for a hundred and thirty years. [Mr. Burns hired a hypnotist to make the plant softball team win] Hypnotist: You are all very good players. Players: [chanting in unison] We are all very good players. Hypnotist: You will beat Shelbyville. Players: [chanting in unison] We will beat Shelbyville. Hypnotist: You will give one hundred and ten percent. Players: [chanting in unison] That's impossible. No one can give more than one hundred percent. By definition that is the most anyone can give. [to Bart, who has mis-cast a spell to change a frog into a prince] Mrs. Krabappel: Sloppy work, as usual. Lisa's casting spells at an eighth-grade level. You've sinned against nature. [Homer has asked Moe for a loan] Moe: Sure, Homer, I can loan you the money. However, since you have no collateral, I'm gonna have to break your legs in advance. Homer: Gee, Moe, that seems a bit extreme. Couldn't you just bash my brains in? Moe: Are you a loan shark? Do you understand how finance works? [Pulls out a sledgehammer] Moe: Now, let's do this thing. Anthony Kiedis: You told our agent this place holds 30,000 people. Moe: It does. We had 30,000 here last night. Now play. The audience is getting restless. Barney: [flicking a lighter] We want chilly-willy. We want chilly-willy. Apu: Mrs. Simpson, bathroom is not for customers. Please use the crack house across the street. Govt Agent: [about Homer's mail] Most people write to movie stars, this guy writes to movies. [reads letter] Govt Agent: Dear Die Hard, you rock. Especially the part where that dude is on the rooftop. P.S. Do you know Mad Max? [Homer is driving a stake into the vampire Burns] Lisa: Um Dad, that's his crotch. Homer: Olive oil? Asparagus? If your mother wasn't so fancy, we could just shop at the gas station like normal people. [looking at a corporate logo with Lisa's face] Moe: It makes Little Debbie look like a pile of puke. Kent Brockman: [Doing a live newscast] How can I prove that we're live? Penis. Bart: Lis, you made the school worse than it already was. It wasn't exactly San Diego State to begin with. Lisa: Watch it, Dad, you're the highly suggestible type. Homer: Yes, I am the highly suggestible type. Bart: You could be my father figure. Homer: No way. I'm not getting my finger prints on that train wreck. Homer: I've joined the Movementarians, Marge. Marge: You WHAT? Homer: I've joined the Movementarians. And so have all of you. Marge: We WHAT? Homer: All I had to give them was our life savings, the deed to our house, and a commitment of 10 trillion years of labor. Marge: I can't go along with this, Homer. Homer: Marge, when I join an underground cult, I expect a little support from my family. Lisa: Do you think you might have been brainwashed, Dad? Homer: I haven't been brainwashed. [Goes glassy eyed] Homer: Kill the girl. Kill the girl. Mr. Burns: You see me as a God, right, Smithers? Smithers: Absolutely, sir. Mr. Burns: You'd kneel before me, wouldn't you? Smithers: Boy, would I. Bart: [praying] God, please give me one more chance to study, give me a snow day, or a power outage, or a teacher's strike, anything, please! Lisa: Prayer: the last refuge of the scoundrel. Bart: We came to talk to you about your son. Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: I have no son! [slams the door in their faces] Bart: Oh, great. We came all this way and it's the wrong guy. [opens the door] Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: I didn't mean that literally. Lisa: We've been going about this all wrong, Bart. What's the one thing Rabbis prize above everything else? Bart: Those stupid hats? Lisa: No, Bart, knowledge. We're gonna hit him where it hurts. Right in the Judaica. Bart: Oy, this guy's tough. [Mr. Burns sees one of his hounds limping and wheezing] Mr. Burns: What's wrong with Crippler? Smithers: Oh, he's getting on, sir. He's been here since the late-'60s. Mr. Burns: Ah, yes. I'll never forget the day he bagged his first hippie. That young man didn't think it was too "groovy". Mr. Burns: I'm looking for something in an attack dog, one who likes the sweet, gamey tang of human flesh. Hmm, why here's the fellow. Wiry, fast, firm proud buttocks... reminds me of me. Mr. Burns: Now, as an attack dog you'll be expected to neutralize intruders. Smithers: Wanna buy some cookies? Wanna buy some cookies? [Santa's Little Helper starts licking Smithers' face] Mr. Burns: Oh, if that were a real Girl Scout, I'd have been bothered by now. Smithers: I hate to interrupt your longevity treatment, sir, but there's a sweet little boy at the door. Mr. Burns: [muffled, from behind the glass] Release the hounds. Louie: It's him all right. Should I shoot him gangland style or execution style? Fat Tony: Listen to your heart. [after Louie empties a rifle at Homer, but misses] Fat Tony: We need more ammo, let's go to Big Five. Mr. Burns: All right, let's make this sporting, Leonard. If you can tell me why I shouldn't fire you without using the letter "e," you can keep your job. Lenny: Uh, okay. I'm a good... work... guy... Mr. Burns: You're fired. Lenny: But I didn't say it. Mr. Burns: You will. [He pulls a lever, dropping Lenny down a trapdoor] Lenny: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. [while digging a mine shaft to rescue Bart from a well] Apu: [gasp] The canary. Groundskeeper Willie: GAS. OUT OF THE HOLE. [everyone runs out yelling; above ground, Dr. Hibbert examines the canary] Dr. Hibbert: Gentlemen, this canary died of natural causes. Groundskeeper Willie: BACK IN THE HOLE. [everyone runs back in, yelling] Lisa: Where's Dad? Marge: Your father is... resting. Bart: "Resting" hung over? "Resting" got fired? Help me out here. NRC Agent: We're from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. This is a surprise test of worker competence. Mr. Burns: There must be some mistake. We, uh, we make cookies here. Mr. Burns' old-fashioned, good-time, extra-chewy... Mr. Burns: The watchdog of public safety. Is there any lower form of life? Kent Brockman: Now, Mr. Burns, you said you wanted an opening tirade. Mr. Burns: Yes, thank you, Kent. Fifteen minutes from now, I will wreak a terrible vengeance on this city. No one will be spared. NO ONE. Kent Brockman: [chuckles] A chilling portrait of things to come. Sideshow Bob: I'll be back. You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever, and when they get in, I'm back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies. [laughs maniacally] Lisa: How's dad today? Marge: Not too good, Lisa. Frankly, he's under the table. [Suggestions on how to spend Mr. Burns' $3 million] Apu: Pardon me, but I would like to see this money spent on more police officers. I have been shot eight times this year, and as a result, I almost missed work. Chief Wiggum: Crybaby. Mr. Burns: I could crush him like an ant, but that would be too easy. I'll bide my time until... oh, what the hell, I'll just crush him like an ant. Mr. Burns: Right now I'll be taking my puppies back. Lisa: But they're ours, you stole them from us. [gives her a cell phone] Mr. Burns: Here's a phone. Call somebody who cares. [Lisa dials "9", "1,"... ] Mr. Burns: Give me that. Marge: Homer, when I asked you if you bought that dummy to fake your death, you told me "no". [while listening to a football game on a Walkman in church] Homer: Please, please, please, please... Sportscaster: Yes, it's good. Homer: IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD. It's... good to see you all today. Grandma Van Houten: A caller at this hour? You dial nine-one, then when I say so, dial one again. Principal Skinner: Willie, sometime over the holiday the beloved grade four gerbil, uh..."Superdude," lost his life. I need you to air out the classroom and give Superdude a proper burial. [after watching a film on sex education] Bart: How would I go about creating a half-man, half-monkey-type creature? Mrs. Krabappel: I'm sorry, that would be playing God. Bart: God-schmod, I want my monkey man. Herb: Lisa, aren't you happy to see me? Lisa: Why didn't you write, Unky Herb? Herb: Hey, if I wrote to you, what was I supposed to say? "Dear Lisa, last night I used a rat for a pillow, thanks to your pop?" Lisa: I see your point. Reverend Lovejoy: Get a divorce. Helen Lovejoy: Mmm-hmm. Marge: But isn't that a sin? Reverend Lovejoy: Marge, just about everything's a sin. [holds up a Bible] Reverend Lovejoy: Y'ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we're not supposed to go to the bathroom. Patty: The older they get, the cuter they ain't. Aww, look. The baby just spit up. Mr. Burns: This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon, they'll have finished the greatest novel known to man. [reads a page] Mr. Burns: All right, let's see..."It was the best of times, it was the BLURST of times?" You stupid monkey. Professor Frink: All right, according to the gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient is... love? Who's been screwing with this thing? Marge: We can't afford to buy a pony. Homer: Marge, with today's gasoline prices, we can't afford not to buy a pony. [Homer has to buy Lisa a pony] Mellicent: Our ponies start at five thousand dollars, cash. Homer: Isn't there like a pound where you can pick up cheap ponies that ran away from home? Bart: How come Lisa gets a pony? Homer: Because she stopped loving me. Bart: I don't love you either, so give me a moped. Homer: And I know you love me, so you don't get squat. Apu: Elton John. Elton John: That's my name. Well, not really. Apu: I hate to sound like a screaming fan, but... [plane flies just overhead them] Elton John: That maniac nearly killed us. Apu: Shall I "Take You to the Pilot?" You see, because that is your song. Elton John: I hear you. Apu: Yes, "Somebody Saved Your Life Tonight." Elton John: Cut it out. Apu: Oh, well, "The Bitch is Back." Lenny: Ah, alcohol and night-swimming. It's a winning combination. [Homer is talking to Carmen Electra. She knows where his eyes are] Carmen Electra: Homer, my face is UP here. Homer: I've made my choice. Leon Kompowsky: You know Bart, when I was growing up I didn't have much money. So you know what I did every time my sisters' birthdays rolled around? Bart: Stiffed them? Leon Kompowsky: No Bart, I wrote them a song to show them I cared. Bart: I can't write a song! I'm only ten. Leon Kompowsky: ONLY ten?, When I was your age, I had six Gold records. Bart: Hey, Looney Tunes! [pulls out the Thriller album] Bart: THIS is what Michael Jackson looks like! You just look like a big, fat mental patient! Leon Kompowsky: You'd be amazed how often I hear that, Bart. Mr. Burns: [to a group of senior citizens working for him] I'll take you to the biggest duck-filled pond you ever saw. Grampa: Hot Diggity. That's how they got me to vote for Lyndon LaRouche. Nelson: ha ha your position has been usurped. Krusty the Clown: And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold. Marge: Try to be nice to my sisters. It's very hard on me to have you fighting all the time. Homer: Oh, OK Marge, I'll get along with them. Then, I will hug some snakes... yes. I will hug and kiss some poisonous snakes. Now that's sarcasm. [Ned is asked to join in a game] Ned Flanders: Sports on a Sunday? I don't kno... Reverned Lovejoy: Just play the damn game, Ned Homer: Hey, shouldn't you be at school? Bart: Shouldn't you be at work? Homer: Ah, touch�. [Bart has sold his soul to Milhouse] Milhouse: A pleasure doing business with you. Bart: Anytime, chummm... p. Marge: Homer, it's easy to criticize. Homer: Fun, too. [Homer is playing a machine that shoots animated sperm from its gun in the "Let's Make a Baby" section in the knowledgeum] Homer: C'mon, ovulate, damn you. Ovulate. Machine voice: You are out of sperm. [Sideshowbob is helping Homer, who has just been elected king of Mardi Gras, find his attempted killer] Sideshow Bob: Homer it's a trap. You only won because someone filled the poll with these. [shows votes with all the same handwriting] Homer: Nevertheless, the people have spoken. Lisa: Dad, I think you're overreacting. Homer: I think you're UNDERreacting. Lisa: This session's over. Homer: This session's UNDER. Lisa: Goodbye. Homer: BADbye. [Homer is listening to Lisa playing her saxaphone while he's high on marijuana] Bart: Hey, Dad, I thought you hated Lisa's sax. Homer: I did, but now Daddy's new medicine... which you must never use. Because it will ruin your life... helps Daddy see the magical colors that you will never experience... EVER. [a tape of Ned's childhood. Young Ned hits a little boy] Young Ned Flanders: I'm Dick Tracy. Take that Pruneface. [He hits a little girl] Young Ned Flanders: Now I'm Pruneface. Take that Dick Tracy. [He hits another little boy] Young Ned Flanders: Now Im Prune Tracy. Take that. Jasper: Are they talking about the bordello? Grampa: No. The burlesque house, so keep your mouth shut. [Lisa is strangling Bart] Homer: Lisa, no. Your hands are too weak. [begins strangling Bart] [watching his first Itchy & Scratchy cartoon] Fat Tony: It's funny because it's true. Homer: That's it. This job is too dangerous. I'm giving this badge to the first person I see. Chief Wiggum: That's funny because this is how I got this job the first time. Marge: Thank you, chief for saving my husband's life. Chief Wiggum: I didn't do anything. They took my gun and my badge. They would have gotten my squad car too if I hadn't hidden it under some hay. Homer: Then who shot all of the gangsters? [Maggie looks out of the window and cocks her gun and hides it under her crib mattress] Homer: It's time to go check on Maggie. Marge: Isn't she sweet? She's probably thinking of the day that she shot Mr Burns. Homer: Yeah. [a la "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"] Gloria S.: Johnny-boy hasn't been able to gut it, man-wise, for some time, not that I'd want stench of gin and sour defeat pressed against me. John S.: That's enough, Gloria! Reverend Lovejoy: John, why don't you speak? John S.: She never cooks, she doesn't keep a clean house, she [shouts] John S.: smokes and she drinks and she talks profanely! She's queen of the harpies! Gloria S.: No, I'm not. John S.: [shouts] Queen of the harpies! Gloria S.: No, I'm not. John S.: [shouts] Here's your crown, Your Majesty. Here's your crown! Gloria S.: Get away from me, you swine! Homer: [rubs a Christmas tree and it catches on fire] Why does everything I love burn? Homer: I'll be the nicest man in the world! Marge: Homer, you've said that before. Homer: Yes, but this time I'm sober! Carla Tortelli LeBec: Sammy, you're too old to go on a date with two twins the same night. You're supposed to marry Diane without Rebecca knowin'! Sam 'Mayday' Malone: All right, Carla, I'll make you a bet. If this affects my major league comeback, I'll sell the bar. Norm Peterson: Woody, gimme a beer. Woody Boyd: I think you've had enough, Mr. Peterson. My chiropractor says I can't carry you home anymore. Norm Peterson: Just gimme another beer, ya brain-dead hick! I'll kill ya! I'll kill all of ya! [he breaks a bottle and starts to wave it in Woody's face. Cliff and Frasier start to try and restrain him] Cliff Clavin: Settle down, Normy! Save those pipes for karaoke! [Norm settles down and starts to cry] Norm Peterson: I love you guys! [the first several notes of the "Cheers" theme song are heard. Homer runs out of the bar, screaming] Jingle singer: Hens love roosters! Geese love ganders! Everybody else loves Ned Flanders! Homer: Not me! Jingle singer: Everyone who counts loves Ned Flanders! [The Adventures of Ned Flanders: Love That God] Todd Flanders: We're not going to church today! Ned Flanders: *What*? You give me one good reason! Todd Flanders: It's Saturday! Ned Flanders: Okely-dokely-doo! Indian Chief: Drink deep from these cups. The bear urine will make you strong. [Homer and Bart stop drinking] Indian Chief: Actually, it's Fresca. Homer Simpson: [Homer does a spit take] Fresca? Bart: Uh, say, are you guys crooks? Fat Tony: Bart, is it wrong to steal a loaf of bread to feed your starving family? Bart: No. Fat Tony: Well, suppose you got a large starving family. Is it wrong to steal a truckload of bread to feed them? Bart: Uh uh. Fat Tony: And, what if your family don't like bread? They like... cigarettes? Bart: I guess that's okay. Fat Tony: Now, what if instead of giving them away, you sold them at a price that was practically giving them away. Would that be a crime, Bart? Bart: Hell, no. Fat Tony: Hey Bart, I hope there are no hard feelings. Bart: Get bent. Fat Tony: I deserved that. [in gym] Homer: Just think, two months ago I didn't know what dumb-bell meant. [a police officer has mistaken a green-painted Homer for the Incredible Hulk] Stan Lee: He's not the Hulk... I'M the Hulk. [rips shirt, growls and tries to change into Hulk] Stan Lee: I don't understand, I did it once before. Comic Book Guy: Oh, please, you couldn't turn into Bill Bixby. [Homer, Lenny, and Carl are drunk] Lenny: Hey, let's go to the little league diamond and drive around the bases. Carl: No, the Playboy Mansion. Playboy Mansion. Homer Simpson: Shut up. It's my car and I say we're going to the lost city of gold. news reporter: Don't you think there is an inherent danger in sending unqualified, under trained civilians into space? Homer Simpson: The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute... statue of liberty... that was our planet. You maniacs, you blew it up. Damn you! Damn you all to hell! [Chief Wiggum is Polonius, Ralph Wiggum is Laertes. Bart, as Hamlet, has stabbed Polonius] Ralph: Daddy's stomach is crying. Reverend Lovejoy: Ned, have you considered any of the other mayor religions? They're all pretty much the same. Homer: I hope I didn't brain my damage. [Seeing a naked Homer dangling from a balloon] Spectator: Look at that blimp... And he's hanging from a balloon. Homer: I don't mind being called a liar when I'm lying, or about to lie, or just finished lying, but NOT WHEN I'M TELLING THE TRUTH. [Bart walks into the room looking sad] Marge: Do you notice something different about Bart? Homer: New glasses? Marge: No, the way he's been acting. He seems depressed. Homer: Probably misses his old glasses. Moe: Homer, it's Moe. Uh, look, some of the ghouls and I are a little concerned the project isn't moving forward. Homer Simpson: Can't murder now, eating. Moe: Oh, for crying out loud. Come on! Homer Simpson: [smashes open a door with an axe] Heere's Johnny. Homer Simpson: [nobody is there] D'oh! Homer Simpson: [smashes open another door with an axe] Daavid Letterman. Abe Simpson: Hi, David. I'm grampa. Homer Simpson: D'oh! Homer Simpson: [smashes open a door with an axe] I'm Mike Wallace, I'm Morley Safer and I'm Ed Bradley. All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 minutes. Homer: Come on, Lisa. Try and see this from the Omnitouch Corporation's point of view. Dr. Hibbert: Lisa, I'm afraid your tummyache may be caused by stress. Homer: Whew. That's a relief. Moe: May I have this dance? Woman: [walking away] It's all yours. Kent Brockman: Human interest stories - they cloud the issues and fog the mind. [Homer bought Lisa a pony after Marge told him not to] Marge: I am very upset with you. Homer: Sounds like someone's angling for a pony of her own. [Sideshow Bob wins an Emmy in prison] Sideshow Bob: This is one more Emmy than you'll ever win, you bantering jack-in-the-box! Krusty the Clown: Just don't drop that thing in the shower, Bob! Sideshow Bob: No-talent shill! Krusty the Clown: Second banana! Sideshow Bob: Panderer! Krusty the Clown: Bore! Sideshow Bob: Poor Selma, you were having such a lovely evening. [singing] Sideshow Bob: And then I went and spoiled it all by doing something stupid like explode you... [sitting in a vibrating massage chair] Homer: Now excuse me while I kiss the sky. Akira: We learn karate, so we need never use it. Bart: Um, excuse me, sir, I already know how not to hit a guy. Can we break out the nunchuks? Akira: First, you must fill your head with wisdom. Then you can hit ice with it. Computer: Warning, problem in Sector 7-G. Mr. Burns: 7-G? Good God, who's the safety inspector there? Smithers: Uh, Homer Simpson, sir. Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? Good man, intelligent? Smithers: Actually, sir, he was hired under Project Bootstrap. Mr. Burns: [bitterly] Thank you, President Ford. LuAnn Van Houten: Well, Marge, the other day, Milhouse told me my meatloaf "sucks." He must have gotten that from your little boy, because they certainly don't say that on TV. Bart: Dear Krusty, this is Bart Simpson, Krusty Buddy #16302 , respectfully returning his badge. I always suspected that nothing in life mattered. Now I know for sure. Get bent. Bart Simpson. Marge: Homer, do you ever think about the future? Homer: You mean will apes be our masters? [Homer got Marge pregnant] Abe Simpson: Son, you've got to marry that girl. Homer: Because it's the honorable thing to do? Abe Simpson: No. Because you'll never do any better. Heh, heh, heh. You lucky bum. The fish jumped right in the boat, and all you gotta do is whack her with the oar. [On a sonogram of Marge's stomach, Bart turns away] Dr. Hibbert: If I didn't know better, I'd swear he was trying to moon us. [when Bart was born] Marge: Homey, isn't he beautiful? Homer: Hey, as long as he's got eight fingers and eight toes, he's fine by me. Krusty the Clown: Hey, kids. Who do you love? Kids: Krusty. Krusty the Clown: How much do you love me? Kids: With all our hearts. Krusty the Clown: What would you do if I went off the air? Kids: We'd kill ourselves. [At Kamp Krusty Fat Camp] Kamp Krusty Counselor: All right, you balls of pan drippings, I want to see Crisco coming out of those pores. We're not leaving until this Christmas HAM gives me a pull-up. [Greeting the Simpsons at the company picnic, Burns reads from a card] Mr. Burns: And this must be, uh... Brat. Bart: Bart. Homer: Don't correct the man, Brat. Bart: Come join us, Lisa, it's so cool. You get to stay up all night drinking blood. Milhouse: And if you say you're a vampire, you get a free small soda at the movies. Lisa: [Lisa is disgusted with Bart's "phony schmaltz" kids' news features] Lisa: They want cheap sentiment? I'll pump 'em so full of sap they'll be blowing their nose with a pancake. Lisa: Oh, figs. [listening to Bart's class sing "Jingle Bells"] Marge: Oh, listen to Bart. Doesn't he sound like a little angel? Bart: Oh, Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg./The Batmobile lost its wheel, and the Joker got aw... [Skinner yanks him out of the choir] Homer: D'oh! Homer: Oh, I'd sell my soul for a donut. Ned Flanders: Well, that can be arranged. Homer: What? Flanders. You're the devil? Ned Flanders: Ho-ho, it's always the one you least suspect. Homer: Mmm... forbidden donut. Ned Flanders: Your wide behind won't save you this time. Ned Flanders: I give you the jury of the damned. Benedict Arnold, Lizzie Borden, Richard Nixon... Richard Nixon: But I'm not dead yet. In fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook. Ned Flanders: Hey listen, I did a favor for you. Richard Nixon: Yes, Master. Ned Flanders: John Wilkes Booth, Blackbeard the Pirate, John Dillinger, and the starting line of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers. [Marge has to find seats for the Jury of the Damned] Marge: I'm sorry, Mr. Blackbeard. We're low on chairs and this is the last one. Blackbeard: Arrr. This chair be high, says I. Marge: Wait. Before you send him to hell, there's something you should see. That's a photo of Homer and I at our wedding. Richard Nixon: Wait a minute. You got married in an emergency room? Marge: Well, Homer ate the entire wedding cake by himself... before the wedding. [the Jury of the Damned all laugh] Marge: Read the back, the back. Blackbeard: Arrr. 'Tis some sort of treasure map. Benedict Arnold: You idiot, you can't read. Blackbeard: Aye, 'tis true. My debauchery was my way of compensatin'. Maude Flanders: Neddy doesn't believe in insurance. He considers it a form of gambling. Bart: Listen, Ned Flanders murdered his wife. Homer: But why? She's such a fox. [off Marge's glare] Homer: I mean, what's on FOX tonight? Something ribald, no doubt. Larry King: Now even though we're being broadcast on... FOX, there's no need for obnoxious hooting and hollering. [the entire audience hoots and hollers obnoxiously] Homer: Marge, you're standing in the way of my boyhood dream of managing a beautiful country singer. Marge: Your boyhood dream was to eat the world's biggest hoagie, and you did it at the county fair last year, remember? Homer: You can't stay in there forever! Bart: I can try! Homer: March your butt out here right now! Bart: No way, man! Homer: [sweet] Son, if you don't come out, I can't hug you and kiss you, and make you feel all better. Bart: You think I'm dumb enough to fall for that? I'm insulted! Krusty the Clown: If this is anyone but Steve Allen, you're stealing my bit. Carl: Homer, you should see a doctor. I don't think a healthy man can make that kind of smell. [On the day Homer quits the power plant, he insults Mr. Burns and plays his bald head like a bongo drum] Mr. Burns: I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage... and island rhythms. Terrorist Leader: Attention, American workers. Your plant has been taken over by an all-star team of freelance terrorists. Homer: Not on MY shift. Dr. Wolff: Lisa, Marge, these braces are invisible, painless, and periodically release a delightful burst of Calvin Klein's "Obsession For Teeth." Marge: Doctor, we don't have a dental plan right now, so we need something a little more... affordable. Dr. Wolff: These pre-date stainless steel, so you can't get them wet. [Superintendant Chalmers sees Principal Skinner's kitchen on fire] Superintendant Chalmers: Good Lord, what is happening in there? Principal Skinner: The Aurora Borealis? Superintendant Chalmers: The Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen? Principal Skinner: Yes. Superintendant Chalmers: May I see it? Principal Skinner: No. [Lisa offers Homer apples instead of buffalo meat] Homer Simpson: Oh boy, buffalo testicles. Homer: Oh, Margie, you came and you found me a turkey on my vacation away from workey. Bart: [singing] Lisa, her teeth are big and green. Lisa, she smells like gasoline. Lisa, ta-ra-ra Lisa. She is my sista, her birthday I mista. Bart: Stan Lee came back? Comic Book Guy: Stan Lee never left. I'm afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition. [after being stabbed by Hamlet] Chief Wiggum: I hide behind curtains because I have a fear of getting stabbed. Ray Patterson: Oh gosh. You know, I'm not much on speeches, but, it's so gratifying to leave you wallowing in the mess you've made. You're screwed, thank you, bye. Moe: He's right. He ain't much on speeches. [after being corrected by Lisa on the correct pronounciation of "foliage"] Marge: All that gorgeous... foliage. I can't ex-cape Lisa, our little walking li-bary. Moe: All right, I guess I might as well come clean. I'm not real good with women, and I really wanted to do ya, so I brought along the love tester to help me. As you may have guessed, it's possessed by the dead spirit of my best friend's father. Tony Blair: Hello, welcome to the United Kingdom. Homer Simpson: Would an American dollar encourage you to leave us alone? Tony Blair: No. But thank you. Homer: Hey, Weener Boy... where do you think you'e going? Jose Canseco: So I'll get $50,000 to play one game? Waylon Smithers: That's right, Mr. Canseco. Jose Canseco: Well, it's a pay cut, but what the hey. Mr. Burns: Smithers, is it wrong to cheat in order to win a million dollar bet? Smithers: Yes, sir. Mr. Burns: Let me rephrase that. Is it wrong if *I* cheat in order to win a million dollar bet? Smithers: No, sir. Who would you like killed? [to his softball team] Mr. Burns: All right, you ragtag bunch of misfits! You hate me, and I hate you even more. But without my beloved ringers, you're all I've got. So I want you to remember some inspiring words that someone else might have told you over the course of your lives, and go out there and win! Lurleen Lumpkin: You're just a big sack of sugar. Homer: Thanks!... You did say "sugar," right? Homer: How much can I get for this? [He hands the Comic Book Guy a mint condition Joe Dimaggio rookie card] Comic Book Guy: Well, sir. I'm afraid your card is only worth... EVERYTHING I OWN. Hank Scorpio: You like my loafers? There's a pair just like 'em in your closet. You don't like 'em? Then neither do I. [he removes the loafers and throws them away] Hank Scorpio: Get the hell outta here. Ever see a guy say goodbye to his shoes? Homer Simpson: Yeah, once. Lenny: If you ask me, Muhammad Ali, in his prime, was much better than anti-lock brakes. Carl: Yeah, but what about Johnny Mathis versus Diet Pepsi? Moe: Oh, I cannot listen to this again! [after bart moons the people of Australia by writing "Don't tread on me" on his behind] Marge: I appreciate your patriotism, Bart, but I wish you would've chosen something a little more tasteful. Lisa: I'm impressed you were able to write so legibly on your own butt. [At Moe's alma mater, the bartending college] Professor: Moe Szyslak, you old glass wipe. Lisa: Dad, this lack of sleep is making mom and Maggie crazy! Homer: Don't you think you're overreacting, talking gumball machine? Marge: Bart, how many hours a day do you watch TV? Bart: Six. Seven if there's something good on. [first lines of an episode] Kent Brockman: ...which, if true, means death for us all. [Marge is rehearsing the musical of A Streetcar Named Desire] Homer: Marge, your ride is here! Marge: Homer, it'll just be a few minutes more! Ned Flanders: You're a dame and I'm a fella! Marge: Stanley stop, or I'll tell Stella! Llewellyn Sinclair: Marge, Marge! I am asking you for white hot rage, and you're giving me a hissy fit! Homer: Marge, can I have some change for the candy machine? Llewellyn Sinclair: [throwing a load of change on the floor] Oh, HERE! Homer: Hey, there's some quarters in here! [Lisa and Marge are watching a soap opera. On TV, a dishevelled man dressed as a priest bursts into the room, surprising the amorous couple inside] Woman: Father McGrath... I thought you were dead. Fr. McGrath: I was! [Bart is crank calling Moe's Tavern. Moe answers the phone] Moe: Moe's Tavern. Bart: Is Mr. Freely there? Moe: Who? Bart: Freely. First initials, I. P. Moe: Hey, everybody, I pee freely! Homer: Oh, Herb. Because of me you lost your house and your business. Maybe it would've been better if I'd never come at all. Herb: Maybe I would've been better off? Maybe? As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother. [after Santa's Little Helper disappears] Homer: There's his leash, there's his water dish, and there's the spot where he took a whiz on the rug! [cries] Marge: Homer, get a-hold of yourself! Remember, Doggy Heaven! Homer: Oh, Marge! There's no such place! I made it all up! [Marge clears throat] Homer: Or to put it another way... there... is. Homer: [gasps] An counterfeit jeans ring operating out of my carhole! I'm gonna tell everybody! [starts to leave. Herman pulls a gun on him] Herman: Not so fast. [Homer walks slower] Homer: Okay. Herman: Maybe you should just stop altogether. Homer: If you want something to remember him by, I say get a tattoo. It'll be a constant reminder of the one you love. [Homer pulls up sleeve to reveal tattoo saying "Starland Vocal Band"] Homer: [incredulous] Starland Vocal Band? THEY SUCK! [Grampa appears outside and they watch as he points at a fountain] Grampa: DEATH! Marge: Can we get rid of this Ayatollah tee-shirt? Kohmehni died years ago. Homer: But Marge, it works on any Ayatollah! Ayatollah Nakhbadeh, Ayatollah Zahedi... Even as we speak, Ayatollah Razmara and his cadre of fanatics are consolidating their power! [Lenny is dealing cards while Homer plays with Marge's radar gun] Homer Simpson: Hurry up with the cards, Lenny. I've got you clocked at two miles an hour. Lenny: Hey, put that away. Those radar guns give ya cancer. Homer Simpson: All the more reason to hurry up. Mr. Burns: My germs! My precious germs! They never harmed a soul! They never had the chance! [singing along with an R.E.M. song] Homer: Leonardo what-his-name, Herman Munster motorcade, birthday party Cheet-Os, pogo sticks and lemonade, idiotic stupid jerk, that's right Flanders, I am talking about you! Homer Simpson: I just have two questions: "How much?" and "Give it to me". Groundskeeper Willie: I lost all me "screw you" money. Principal Skinner: I'm sorry, Willie. Groundskeeper Willie: Screw you! [Santa's Little Helper is missing - Lisa wants to make a poster] Lisa: Don't we have any pictures of Santa's Little Helper? Marge: None that I would want the public to see. Marge: Homer, there's a bird on your head. Homer: I know, Marge, he's grooming me. Chief Wiggum: Sideshow Bob has no decency. He called me Chief Piggum! [everybody in court house laughs] Chief Wiggum: Oh wait, I get it, he's all right. [Marge has written a book based on her and Homer] Lisa: Dad will be upset when he reads that book. Bart: He'll never read it. Lisa: What if they make a movie out of it? Bart: He'll never see it. Lisa: What if they make a parody of it on Mad TV? Bart: We're doomed! Homer: I've got it! Lee Harvey Oswald killed Kennedy to get the jack ruby. Marge: Homer, Jack Ruby was a man, not a jewel. Homer: Oh, back to square one. [speaking about Scottish history and culture] Groundskeeper Willie: Now, the kilt was only for day-to-day wear. In battle, we donned a full-length ball gown covered in sequins. The idea was to blind your opponent with luxury. Lisa: Wow, there's a lot about bullying I didn't know. Nelson: Yes, there's a lot of history there. Did you know it predates agriculture? Comic Book Guy: Human contact: the final frontier. Marge: Artie Ziff, why are you living in our attic? Artie Ziff: Let me explain. I used to run an internet company. Bart: Say no more. Artie Ziff: I would stop, but I love the sound of my own voice. Eduardo: To win, we will need a very special dance. La Tango de la Muerte! Lisabella: Only one man has ever been foolish enough to attempt that dance, and he is dead! Eduardo: My twin brother, Freduardo. But where he died, I shall live - in his apartment. [They dance La Tango de la Muerte and survive] Eduardo: You are now carrying my child. Lisabella: But how? Eduardo: It is the mystery of the dance. [while spying on Homer at the food festival] Captain McCallister: Homer's undone the top button on his pants. Akira: He's been walking around like that since Thanksgiving. Captain McCallister: I'm surprised he doesn't just switch to sweat pants. Akira: He says the crotch wears out too fast. Captain McCallister: [shudders] That'll replace the whale in my nightmares! [after finding out the grave he thought was his mother's is Walt Whitman's] Homer: Maybe it's that other grave! The one that says "Simpson"! [sees it's his own] Homer: AHH! Why does my death keep coming back to haunt me? [after Bart and Milhouse are left in charge of the comic book shop] Milhouse: Okay, here's Comic Book Guy's instructions: A carton of malted milk balls, one box confectioner's sugar, a can of chocolate frosting... Bart: That's just his shopping list. Milhouse: No, it's his instructions. [Sideshow bob is watching TV with Selma] Man: Thank you, Sen�or MacGyver, for saving our village. MacGyver: Don't thank me, thank the Moon's gravitational pull. Selma: That MacGyver's a genius. Sideshow Bob: First of all, he's not a genius, he's an actor, and second, he's not *much* of an actor. Selma: You're lying! You're lying! Sideshow Bob: No Selma, this is lying: that was a well-plotted piece of nonclaptrap that never made me want to retch. Bart Simpson: I think Grampa smells like that trunk in the garage where the bottom's all wet. Lisa: No, I think he smells more like a photo lab. Homer Simpson: Stop it, you two! Grampa smells like a normal old man, which is more like a hallway in a hospital. [Homer is moping about his broken couch] Joe Frazier: I know how you feel, Homer. You lost your couch. I lost the heavyweight championship. Homer Simpson: [scoffs] Heavyweight championship... there's like three of those! That couch was one of a kind. [armed with a bottle of chloroform, Homer approaches a security guard] Homer: I'll give you this bottle of chloroform if you take us to The Who! Rev. Lovejoy: Once the government approves something, it's no longer immoral! Homer Simpson: You're Darryl Strawberry! Darryl Strawberry: Yes. Homer Simpson: You play right field. Darryl Strawberry: Yes. Homer Simpson: I play right field too. Darryl Strawberry: So? Homer Simpson: Well, are you better than me? Darryl Strawberry: Well, I've never met you, but... yes. [Bart has joined the Bigger Brother program to spite Homer] Tom: Come on, Bart, you know you're not supposed to talk to strangers. Homer Simpson: For your information, I'm his father! Tom: [angrily] His father... the drunken gambler? Homer Simpson: [pleasantly] That's right. And who might you be? Helen Lovejoy: [about Michelangelo's statue of David] It's filth! It graphically portrays parts of the human body, which, practical as they may be, are evil! Homer: There's still the little matter of the whereabouts of your wife. Maude Flanders: Uh, I'm right here. Homer: [sarcastically] Oh, I see! Then I guess everything's wrapped up in a neat little package! [after a pause] Homer: Really, I mean that. Sorry if it SOUNDED sarcastic. Krusty the Clown: I want my comedy to have a timeless quality. Writer: Here's the final draft on that "Hanging Chad" sketch, Krusty. Krusty the Clown: [reading] Heh heh. Oh good, you worked in Judge Ito. Apu: It is a great dishonor to my ancestors and my god, but okay. [Homer helps Apu study for his naturalization exam] Homer: [pointing to an American flag] Now, can you identify this object? Apu: It appears to be the flag which disappeared from the library last year. Chief Wiggum: I've added a secret ingredient just for you. The merciless peppers of Quetzlzacatenengo, grown deep in the jungles primeval by the inmates of a Guatemalan insane asylum. Bart: Skinner is a nut, he has a rubber butt! Principal Skinner: Young man, I can assure you my posterior is nothing more than flesh, bone, and that metal plate I got in 'Nam. Marge: [reading the back of a super glue tube] "In case of accidental ingestion, consult a mortician." Homer: Die, you monster! Lisa: Dad! That's the water softener. Homer: Well I *am* missing the back of my head. I think you could cut me some slack! Carl: You know, I was hexed by a troll once and a leprechaun cured that right up. Lenny: Hey, you know what's even better is Jesus. He's like six leprechauns! Carl: Yeah, but a lot harder to catch. Go with the leprechaun. Kwik-E-Mart President: Welcome, my friends. You may ask any three questions. Homer: Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart? Kwik-E-Mart President: Yes. Homer: Really? Kwik-E-Mart President: Yes. Homer: Really? Kwik-E-Mart President: Yes. Thank you, come again. Young Barney: [the teenagers Homer and Barney are doing an acapella version of "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing" in front of a mirror] Middle-aged Grampa: What the Hell are you two doin'? Young Barney: It's called rockin' out! Young Homer: You wouldn't understan', dad. You're not *with it*. Middle-aged Grampa: I used to be with it, but then they changed what *it* was. Now what I'm with isn't *it*, and what's *it* seems wierd and scary to me. It'll happen to you... Homer: Hey, what's lucky hooked up to? Nurse: A respirator. It breathes for him. Homer: And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. Homer: Marge, promise me you'll put me in a home. It's like being a baby, only you're old enough to apreciate it. Bart: [slapping Lisa] Don't hit Maggie. She's just a baby. Homer: [slapping Bart] Don't hit Lisa. She's a girl. Grampa: [slapping Homer] Keep your hands off of him Homer! [Bart isn't wearing underwear] Bart Simpson: Free and easy, Lis. There's nothing like an unfurnished basement for maximum comfort. Lisa: What are you talking about? [looking at a giant stone head Mr. Burns has had delivered to the Simpson house] Homer: Marge, what does it do? Marge: It doesn't do anything. Homer: Marge, really, what does it do? Marge: Whatever it does, it's doing it right now. [Homer is singing while flossing his teeth] Homer Simpson: When you have a rib-eye steak, you must floss it. Oh, that meatloaf tasted great. You must floss it. Now, floss it. Floss it good. Nelson: Dad didn't leave... when he comes back from the store, he's going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face! Chief Wiggum: [sees a crazy hobo running around screaming] Ralphie, you stay here in the car while daddy tries to talk some sense into this raving derelict. [Goes outside] Hobo: Garalmglkaklafja! Chief Wiggum: [stands there looking] All right all right slow down, slow down! Hobo: GARLKJALKAGJALGKAJLGKJLAGLKAJAAGKA! Chief Wiggum: Slow down now, come on. Apu: I have come to make amends, sir. At first, I blamed you for squealing, but then I realized, it was I who wronged you. So I have come to work off my debt. I am at your service. Homer: You're... selling what, now? Apu: I am selling only the concept of karmic realignment. Homer: You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos. [Slams the door] Apu: He's got me there. Bart: Lisa made me do it. She cast a witch's spell on me. Lisa: It's spelled Wicca, and it's empowering. Bart: Wicca is just a Hollywood fad. Lisa: That's Kabbala, jerk. Homer: [jumping on a bouncing castle] This must be what it's like in space. Marge: You've been to space. Homer: And yet, I've never been to me. [Homer has a fudgesicle stuck to his back] Homer: Hey Lenny, can you get this Sugar Daddy off my back? Lenny: All right, but this is the last time! Bart: [Bart and Lisa are making a crank call to Moe's] Excuse me, is Homer there? Moe: Homer? Homer who? Bart: Homer Sexual. Moe: Just a minute. [announces to the bar] Moe: Is there a Homer Sexual here? Anybody here Homer Sexual? Marge: [referencing Lisa playing the saxaphone] Do you think she could be a professional someday? Li'l Ludwig's Music School Teacher: Oh lord no! Lisa: But I'll practice every day! Li'l Ludwig's Music School Teacher: Yeah well I'll be frank with ya Lisa and when I say frank I mean, you know, devastating. You've inherrited a finger condition known as stubbiness, it usually comes from the father's side... Homer: Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk. Duff Man: [watering his plants] That brown spot needs some H2O! Oh yeah! Moe: [Moe walks up to him] Hey Duffman! How would you like a sticker on YOUR face? Duff Man: [Moe slaps the sticker onto his face, Duff man falls to the ground, struggling to get the sticker off] Duffman can't breath! Oh no! Roadie: [after Homer launches an inflated pig from a cannon] Oh no, Peter Frampton's gonna be pissed. Peter Frampton: You're damn right I'll be pissed, I bought that pig at Pink Floyd's yard sale! Homer: Hello Mr. Bush, it's your sons, George Bush, Jr. and Jeb Bush. George Bush: Barbara, the boys are here, maybe they can help us take care of those Simpsons. Homer: [deadly serious] I've got two questions. One: Where's the fife? Two: Give me the fife. Moe: [Homer is about to have a triple bypass operation] Let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson. Barney: [after a short while] How long has it been? Moe: Six seconds. Barney: Do we have to start over? Moe: Hell, no. Principal Seymour: Fire can be our friend; whether it's toasting marshmellows, or raining down on Charlie. Homer's new German boss: We Germans are not a warlike people. Marge: How did this happen? How did the Simpsons become the bottom rung of society? Homer: I think it was when that cold snap killed off all the hoboes. Marge: Homer! Did you barracade the door? Homer: Why? Oh, the zombies! No. [zombies enter] George Bush: You know, in my day, little boys didn't call their elders by their first names. Bart: Yeah, well, welcome to the 20th century, George. Bart: [at an opera - Bart & Homer are bored] "It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings." Homer: That one fat enough for ya? Marge: Now Homer, don't you eat that pie. Homer: Okay, Marge. [Marge leaves] Homer: All right, pie. I'm going to go like this, [makes chomping motion] Homer: and if you get eaten, it's your own fault. [Advances toward pie while chomping, hits head] Homer: Ow! Oh!... Ah, the hell with it. [Eats pie] Bart: Depressing teenagers is like shooting fish in a barrel. Homer: [singing] Call Mr. Plow, that's my name, that name again is Mr. Plow. Homer: It may be on a lousy channel, but the Simpsons are on TV! Homer: Are we gonna die son? Bart: Yeah. But at least we'll take a lot of innocent people with us. Homer: Homer sleep now. Homer: Hey, nobody's prettier than my little girl. Marge: You're looking at her through a father's eyes. Homer: Well if I could gouge out somebody else's eyes and shove them into my sockets, I would, but to me she's beautiful. Marge: That is so sweet. Lisa: Do you remember why you entered me in that pageant? Homer: I dunno. Was I drunk? Lisa: Possibly. Lisa: [writing a letter] "Dear Mom, I no longer fear Hell, because I've been to Kamp Krusty. Our nature hikes have become grim death marches. Our arts and crafts hut is, in truth, a Dickensian workhouse. Bart makes it through the day clinging to his hope that Krusty the Klown will come. But I am far more pessimistic. I am not even sure if this letter will reach you, as the normal lines of communication have been cut. So I close by saying, SAVE US! SAVE US NOW! Bart and Lisa." Lisa: I feel like I'm gonna die, Bart. Bart: We're all gonna die, Lis. Lisa: I meant soon. Bart: So did I. Homer: [Bart has broken Grandpa's dentures] Young man, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours. Grampa: Oh, this is gonna be sweet. Bart: Hey Apu. Why don't you marry some American broad and then dump her after you get your citizenship? Homer: [Later] Selma my dear, how are you? Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Listen, shut up for a minute. How would you like to marry Apu so he doesn't get deported? Selma: I'd rather eat poison. My name is already Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure. God knows it's long enough without Nehassapassapena whatever. From now on I'm marrying for love and once again for money. Marge: It's the Seven Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Bart are you wearing clean underwear? Bart: Not anymore. Homer: Ok, we need 40,000 dollars. How much do we have in the checkbook? Marge: 70 dollars. Homer: Have we deposited any 40,000 dollar checks that haven't cleared yet? Marge: No. [a very tall man scrunched in a Volkswagen Beetle has just grabbed Nelson after being laughed at] Tall Man: Do you find something comical about my appearance when I am driving my automobile? Nelson: Yes. Tall Man: Everyone needs to drive a vehicle, even the very tall. [points to his Beetle] Tall Man: This was the largest auto I could afford. Should I therefore be made the subject of fun, huh? Nelson: I guess so. Tall Man: [clears his throat] Would you like it if others laughed at YOUR misfortune, hmm? Maybe we should find out! Tall Man: [Tall man pulls down Nelson's pants and commands him to walk down the main street] Nowwww march! Tall Man: [honks his car horn while driving behind Nelson] Hey, everyone! Look at this; it's that boy who laughs at everyone! Let's laugh at him! [the entire crowd yells HA-HA! at Nelson] Lisa: Elegy for Geezer Rock: Postcard image, thing to see / to think of Springfield is to think of thee. / What thoughts be-pass a'hind thy mien? / Why sky art blue? Why trees art green? / And what, pray tell, did thine eyes see? / Perchance, old friend, they gazed at me. / Brought low by nature's oafish hand / thy crush-ed our reviewing stand. / And twixt thy stones glimpsed I the truth. / All things must pass. Thy face, my youth. Mr. Burns: I love children, particularly their young supple organs. Lisa: [auditioning people for her paper] What kind of journalism experience do you have? Nelson: I dunno. Making nerds cry? Lisa: Perfect! You can be our TV critic. Linda Ronstadt: [singing] When the snow is a fallin theres a man you should be callin. That's KLD-796. Let it ring. Barney, Linda Ronstadt: Mr Plow is a loser, and I think he is a boozer, so you'd better make that call to the Plow King. Homer Simpson: Boy, the way the Bee Gees played... Marge: Movies John Travolta made... Homer Simpson: Guessing how much Elvis weighed... Homer Simpson, Marge: Those were the days! Marge: And you knew where you were then... Homer Simpson: Watching shows like Gentle Ben... Homer Simpson, Marge: Mister, we could use a man like Sheriff Lobo again! Homer Simpson: Disco Duck and Fleetwood Mac... Marge: Coming out of my eight-track... Homer Simpson, Marge: Michael Jackson still was black... those were the days! [later on in episode] Homer Simpson: Bart was feeling might blue... Marge: It's a shame what school can do... Apu: For no reason here's Apu! Homer Simpson, Marge, Apu: Those were the days! Marge: [Homer and Marge are standing with Bart's Elephant, Stampy] Oh my, it looks like it could gore. Homer: Hee hee, it does look like Al Gore. Lisa: [at the Jefferson Memorial. Talking to the statue] Mr. Jefferson, I have a problem. Thomas Jefferson: I know your problem: the Lincoln Memorial was *too crowded*. Lisa: Yes, well... Thomas Jefferson: [referring to how empty his memorial is] No one ever comes to see me. Frankly, I don't blame them. *I* didn't do anything important. JUST the Declaration of Independence, the Louisiana Purchase, the dumbwaiter!... Lisa: Uh, maybe I should go... I seem to have caught you at a bad time... [walks out] Thomas Jefferson: WAIT! Don't go!... I get so lonely... [tumbleweed blows through] Bart, Lisa: Aah! Sideshow Bob! Sideshow Bob: Please, we've been through so much together. Call me Bob. Bart, Lisa: Aah! Bob! [Homer wearing a beer keg on his head] Homer: Look at me! I'm the Prime Minister of Ireland. [everyone in the bar starts laughing] Marge: You know, Homer, there's $500 in the air conditioning account. Homer: Oh Marge! Am I doomed to spend the rest of my life sweating like a pig? Bart: Not to mention eating like a pig and dressing like a pig. Apu: Don't forget the smell. Homer: Will you get off of my lawn? Apu: Why don't you make me? Homer: Why, you...! Oh, forget it. Krusty the Clown: The faithful people at the Global Positioning System, is all the companionship I need... [taps the GPS box, which delivers a healthy electric shock] Krusty the Clown: AAAARGH! [hurling the box over the side of the boat] Krusty the Clown: Tell me where you are now you bastard! [Bart and Lisa have been zapped inside the TV, and are being chased by Itchy and Scratchy when Homer changes the channel to "Regis & Kathie Lee"] Kathie Lee: [cooking soup] OK, now we add salt. [Bart and Lisa fall into the soup, splashing it] Regis: OW! My eyes! My eyes! Oh, God! My beautiful eyes! [Itchy and Scratchy fall in, also splashing] Kathie Lee: That's it! I'm going home. Dom DeLuise can interview himself. Regis: My eyes! Bart Simpson: Hey, 50 can I roll with you? 50 Cent: Nah, lil' man. But hey, stay in school and keep rapping. You'll blow up one day. 50 Cent: [to parole officer] Hey, does that count as community service? [she shakes her head no] 50 Cent: Oh well, let's go to the park and pick up some poop. Chinese Dragon: [singing] American jerks are going home! / Now we sleep for a thousand years! / When we wake, the world will end! Marge: [eight years in the future, praising technology] It's greeat! We can do *anything* now that Science has invented Magic. [when The Simpsons are on holiday in Africa, Bart marks that he has seen a warthog to his animal card] Lisa: Hey! You didn't see a warthog! Bart: I'm looking at one right now. Lisa: Mom! Bart implied I was a warthog! Marge: Nobody's a warthog! Bart: What about him? [Lisa notices that there is actually a warthog right next to him] Mayor Quimby: We will not negotiate with terrorists. Is there a nearby city who will? Grandma Flanders: Hello Joe! Principal Skinner: Justice is not a frivolous thing, Simpson. It has little, if anything, to do with a disobedient whale. Now let's vote. [Bart has just testified for Freddy Quimby and admitted to skipping school] Principal Skinner: I'm impressed with what you did in there, Bart. You testified for the Quimby boy even though it was putting your own head in a noose. Nevertheless, you did skip school. Bart: So, I guess the two things sorta cancel each other out, right? Principal Skinner: I'm a small man in some ways, Bart. A small, petty man. Three months detention. [Bart begins to walk away] Principal Skinner: Wait a minute, Bart. [Skinner thinks for a few moments] Principal Skinner: Make that... *four* months detention. Warden: You will dance and you will like it. Then you will have punch and you will drink it. Then your eyes will meet and it will be awkward. So help me God! Mr. Burns: [Mr. Burns' film is being booed by the audience] Smithers, are they booing me? Smithers: Uh, no, they're saying "Boo-urns, Boo-urns". Mr. Burns: [Stands and faces the audience] Are you saying "Boo" or "Boo-urns"? [the audience boos and throws rubbish at him] Hans Moleman: I was saying "Boo-urns"! Lenny: [Homer is on his way to bowling a perfect game. Lenny calls the waitress as Homer is about to roll the ball] Miss! Miss! [Homer looks back at Lenny] Lenny: Sorry. I was calling the waitress. [Homer looks back to the pins] Lenny: Uh, this split you sold me is making me choke. [Waitress takes banana split] Homer: [Homer looks back at Lenny] Lenny... Lenny: What? I paid $7.10 for this split. Carl: Would you at least call it a banana split, you dumwad? Lenny: Hey, spare me your gutter-mouth [Homer throws the bowling ball at Lenny. Lenny groans in pain] Lisa: Love the painting, Mrs. Parkfield. Judging by the clothes, I'd say... seventeenth century? Mrs. Parkfield: Actually, Lisa, it's just Uncle Eldred. Uncle Eldred: [obviously insane, due to the fact that he's fishing in an empty fishbowl] I get me brain medicine from the National Health! Moe: Oho, an English buy, huh? You know, we saved your ass in World War II. Hugh: Yeah, well, we saved *your* arse in World War III. K'Tenge: [when he sees the family go down the river] [shouts] K'Tenge: Shaka Zulu! [while Marge is on the Springfield Police force, Homer makes fun of her while she's on duty, grabs her hat and clowns around in front of her police car - so she arrests him.] Marge: [handcuffing him] You have the right to remain silent. Homer: I choose to waive that right. [he freaks out and starts shrieking hysterically] [while Homer is sneaking into Burns' mansion] Moe, Carl, Lenny: [cheering] Homer, Homer, he's our man, if he can't do it, no-one can! Homer: [beset by hounds] Aaaaargghh! Carl: Oh, I guess no-one can. Lenny: He's done for. Let's get out of there! Moe, Carl, Lenny: Aaaaaahhhhh! Marge: How are the kids supposed to get home? Homer: I dunno. Internet? Patty: I need a favor. Homer Simpson: Hang on, I'll get my belt sander and try to grind the ugly off your face! Patty: Ha, ha, ha, very funny. Homer Simpson: I wasn't joking! [pulls out a belt sander and turns it on] [appearing on television, wanting Springfield to abolish television] Sideshow Bob: I'm aware of the irony of appearing on TV in order to decry it. So don't bother pointing that out. Bart: [Smithers walks into the room with a sexy girl at his side] Smithers? I thought you were... ugh... you know! Smithers: Not as long as I take these injections! [injects himself] Smithers: [shouts] I like boobies! Manjula: You remind me of the monkey man who killed my father's chickens. Lawyer: Yes, I get that a lot. Homer: [singing, while hosing out the back of his ambulance] Here in my car/ I am hosing out blood / Some of it's mine / But most of it's not / Here's Marge. Drederick Tatum: I have been paid millions to endorse these butt-ugly shoes. Bill Gates: I didn't get rich by signing checks. Dondelinger: This is your exam. It's a series of questions, answered True or False. Homer: True. Dondelinger: Eh, I was just describing the test, Homer. Homer: True. Dondelinger: Look, Homer, just do the exam, and you'll be fine. Homer: False. [after Homer and Lisa secretly rescue Bart from his latest escapade, Homer and Marge are settling down for the night] [phone rings] Marge: Hello? Oh, hello, Principal Skinner. No, Bart has never been to Hong Kong. All right, goodbye. [she hangs up, but the phone rings again] Marge: Hello? No, Bart is not available tomorrow to deliver a human kidney to Amsterdam! [she hangs up, the phone rings yet again] Marge: Hello? Tennessee State Police? No, my son's car did not get crushed in Knoxville! I can't even begin to tell you what's wrong with that. [she hangs up and turns out the light] Homer: Hee, hee, hee... Marge: Homer, are you laughing about something? Marge: Get ready, skanks! It's time for the truth train! Rod Flanders: Can I have this shirt that says "Get Bent"? Ned Flanders: Well, if that means to bend down and pray, sure! Lisa: Why did you let him be his own Barrister? Marge: He rear-ended the frigging Queen! What difference would it make?
Airplane!
First Jive Dude: Shit man, that honky mus' be messin' my old lady... got to be runnin' cold upside down his head. You know? Second Jive Dude: Hey home, I can dig it. You know he ain't gonna lay no mo' big rap up on you man. First Jive Dude: I say hey sky, s'other s'ay I wan say? Second Jive Dude: UH... First Jive Dude: Pray to J I get the same ol' same ol'. Second Jive Dude: Eh. Yo knock yourself a pro slick, gray matter live performas down now take TCB'in man. First Jive Dude: Hey, you know what they say... See a broad, to get that booty yak 'em. First Jive Dude, Second Jive Dude: Leg 'er down 'n smack 'em yak 'em First Jive Dude: Cold got to be. You know? Shiiiiit. Ted Striker: My orders came through. My squadron ships out tomorrow. We're bombing the storage depots at Daiquiri at 1800 hours. We're coming in from the north, below their radar. Elaine Dickinson: When will you be back? Ted Striker: I can't tell you that. It's classified. Steve McCroskey: This fog is getting thicker. Johnny: And Leon is getting laaaaarrrrrger. Rumack: You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital. Elaine Dickinson: A hospital? What is it? Rumack: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now. Captain Oveur: Joey, do you like movies about gladiators? Ted Striker: Because of my mistake, six men didn't return from that raid. Elaine Dickinson: Seven. Lieutenant Zip died this morning. Ted Striker: It's Lieutenant Hurwitz. Severe shell-shock. Thinks he's Ethel Merman. Lieutenant Hurwitz: [singing] You'll be swell, you'll be great. Gonna have the whole world on a plate. Startin' here, startin' now. Honey, everything's comin' up roses... Ted Striker: War is hell. Rumack: Elaine, you're a member of this crew. Can you face some unpleasant facts? Elaine Dickinson: No. [Thinking to himself] Ted Striker: I've got to concentrate... [his thoughts echo] Ted Striker: concentrate... concentrate... I've got to concentrate... concentrate... concentrate... Hello?... hello... hello... Echo... echo... echo... Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbon... Manny Mota... Mota... Mota... Reporter: What kind of plane is it? Johnny: Oh, it's a big pretty white plane with a red stripes, curtains at the windows, wheels, and it just looks like a big Tylenol. Rex Kramer: Striker, listen, and you listen close: flying a plane is no different than riding a bicycle, just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes. Steve McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking. Steve McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue Steve McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines [as the plane prepares to take off] Hanging Lady: Nervous? Ted Striker: Yes. Hanging Lady: First time? Ted Striker: No, I've been nervous lots of times. Steve McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking. Roger Murdock: We have clearance Clarence. Captain Oveur: Roger, Roger. What's our vector Victor? Tower voice: Tower's radio clearance, over. Captain Oveur: That's Clarence Oveur. Over. Tower voice: Roger. Roger Murdock: Huh? Tower voice: Roger, over. Roger Murdock: Huh? Captain Oveur: Huh? Elaine Dickinson: There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane? Ted Striker: Surely you can't be serious. Rumack: I am serious... and don't call me Shirley. Elaine Dickinson: You got a letter from headquarters this morning. Ted Striker: What is it? Elaine Dickinson: It's a big building where generals meet, but that's not important. Steve McCroskey: Johnny, what can you make out of this? [Hands him the weather briefing] Johnny: This? Why, I can make a hat or a brooch or a pterodactyl... Rumack: I'm going to tell you something I've kept to myself all of these years. I was in the war, Medical Corps. One night they brought in a badly wounded pilot from one of the raids. He looked at me and said, "Doc, the odds were against us up there, but we went in anyway. I'm glad. Captain made the right decision." The pilot's name was George Zip. Ted Striker: George Zip said that? Rumack: Yes, he looked at me and said, "Doc," he said, "Some time, when the crew is up against it, and the breaks are beating the boys, tell 'em to get out there and give it all they've got. And win just one for the Zipper. I don't know where I'll be then Doc, he said. But I won't smell too good, that's for sure." Rumack: Captain, how soon can you land? Captain Oveur: I can't tell. Rumack: You can tell me. I'm a doctor. Captain Oveur: No. I mean I'm just not sure. Rumack: Well, can't you take a guess? Captain Oveur: Well, not for another two hours. Rumack: You can't take a guess for another two hours? Captain Oveur: You ever been in a cockpit before? Joey: No sir, I've never been up in a plane before. Captain Oveur: You ever seen a grown man naked? Captain Oveur: Joey, have you ever been to a Turkish prison? Joey: Wait a minute. I know you. You're Kareem Abdul-Jabar. You play basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers. Roger Murdock: I'm sorry son, but you must have me confused with someone else. My name is Roger Murdock. I'm the co-pilot. Joey: You are Kareem. I've seen you play. My dad's got season tickets. Roger Murdock: I think you should go back to your seat now Joey. Right Clarence? Captain Oveur: Nahhhhhh, he's not bothering anyone, let him stay here. Roger Murdock: But just remember, my name is ROGER MURDOCK. I'm an airline pilot. Joey: I think you're the greatest, but my dad says you don't work hard enough on defense. And he says that lots of times, you don't even run down court. And that you don't really try... except during the playoffs. Roger Murdock: The hell I don't. LISTEN KID. I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA. I'm out there busting my buns every night. Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes. Ted Striker: I flew single engine fighters in the Air Force, but this plane has four engines. It's an entirely different kind of flying altogether. All: It's an entirely different kind of flying. Rumack: What was it we had for dinner tonight? Elaine Dickinson: Well, we had a choice of steak or fish. Rumack: Yes, yes, I remember, I had lasagna. Elaine Dickinson: Would you like something to read? Hanging Lady: Do you have anything light? Elaine Dickinson: How about this leaflet, "Famous Jewish Sports Legends?" [an epidemic of food poisoning is sweeping the plane] Captain Oveur: What is it, Doctor? What's going on? Rumack: I'm not sure. I haven't seen anything like this since the Anita Bryant concert. Hanging Lady: No wonder you're upset. She's lovely. And a darling figure... supple, pouting breasts... firm thighs. It's a shame you two don't get along. Rex Kramer: [talking to Steve McCroskey] Our only hope is to build this man up. We gotta give him all the confidence we can. [to Striker] Rex Kramer: Striker, have you ever flown a multi-engine plane before? Ted Striker: No, never. Rex Kramer: Shit. It's a God damn waste of time. There's no way he can land this plane. [Captain Oveur is on the phone with the Mayo Clinic when he receives a call from Mr. Hammen] Captain Oveur: Get me Ham on five, hold the Mayo. Young Boy with Coffee: I thought you might like some coffee. [Sits beside a Little Girl who takes a cup] Young Boy with Coffee: Sugar? Little Girl: No thanks, I take it black, like my men. Steve McCroskey: Get me someone who won't crack under pressure. Johnny: How about Mister Rogers? [after the plane has landed safely] Rumack: [Walking in on Ted and Elaine in the cockpit] I just wanna wish you good luck, we're all counting on you. Male announcer: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in a red zone. Female announcer: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in a red zone. Male announcer: The red zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in a white zone. Female announcer: No, the white zone is for loading. Now, there is no stopping in a RED zone. Male announcer: The red zone has always been for loading. Female announcer: Don't you tell me which zone is for loading, and which zone is for unloading. Male announcer: Look Betty, don't start up with your white zone shit again. male announcer: There's just no stopping in a white zone. Female announcer: Oh really, Vernon? Why pretend, we both know perfectly well what this is about. You want me to have an abortion. Male announcer: It's really the only sensible thing to do, if its done safely. Therapeutically there's no danger involved. Rex Kramer: Do you know what it's like to fall in the mud and get kicked... in the head... with an iron boot? Of course you don't, no one does. It never happens. It's a dumb question... skip it. Rex Kramer: But it's his ship now, his command. He's in charge, the boss, the head man, top dog, big cheese, a head honcho, number... Johnny: [plugging back in the runway lights] Just kidding. Rumack: The survival of everyone on board depends on just one thing: finding someone on board who can not only fly this plane, but who didn't have fish for dinner. Jack Kirkpatrick: Shanna, they bought their tickets, they knew what they were getting into. I say, let 'em crash. Johnny: The tower, the tower, Rapunzel. Rex Kramer: (points out the window) There he is. Striker, you're coming in too fast. Ted Striker: I know, I know. Elaine Dickinson: He knows, he knows. Randy: Can I get you something? Second Jive Dude: 'S'mofo butter layin' me to da' BONE! Jackin' me up... tight me! Randy: I'm sorry, I don't understand. First Jive Dude: Cutty say 'e can't HANG! Jive Lady: Oh stewardess! I speak jive. Randy: Oh, good. Jive Lady: He said that he's in great pain and he wants to know if you can help him. Randy: All right. Would you tell him to just relax and I'll be back as soon as I can with some medicine? Jive Lady: Jus' hang loose, blood. She gonna catch ya up on da' rebound on da' med side. Second Jive Dude: What it is, big mama? My mama no raise no dummies. I dug her rap! Jive Lady: Cut me some slack, Jack! Chump don' want no help, chump don't GET da' help! First Jive Dude: Say 'e can't hang, say seven up! Jive Lady: Jive ass dude don't got no brains anyhow! Hmmph! [Elaine is relaying what Ted is saying to Kramer] Ted Striker: It's a damn good thing he doesn't know how much I hate his guts. Elaine Dickinson: It's a damn good thing you don't know how much he hates your guts. [Flashback, about a bar he frequented during the war] Ted Striker: It was a rough place - the seediest dive on the wharf. Populated with every reject and cutthroat from Bombay to Calcutta. It's worse than Detroit. [turns to the camera after being dissed by Elaine] Ted Striker: What a pisser! Rumack: Mr. Striker, the passengers are getting worse. You must land soon. Ted Striker: Surely there must be something you can do. Rumack: I'm doing everything I can... and stop calling me Shirley. Steve McCroskey: [to Mrs. Oveur] Now your husband is alive, but unconscious. Johnny: Just like Gerald Ford. Elaine: It takes so many things to make love last. But most of all, it takes respect, and I can't live with a man I don't respect. [Randy is crying] Rumack: Randy, are you all right? Randy: Oh, Dr. Rumack, I'm scared. I've never been so scared. And besides, I'm 26 and I'm not married. Rumack: We're going to make it, you've got to believe that. [a woman passenger comes in] Mrs. Hammen: Dr. Rumack, do you have any idea when we'll be landing? Rumack: Pretty soon, how are you bearing up? Mrs. Hammen: Well, to be honest, I've never been so scared. At least I have a husband. [Randy cries harder] Controller: I know but this guy has no flying experience at all. He's a menace to himself and everything else in the air... yes, birds too. Elaine: Would you gentlemen care to order your dinners? First Jive Dude: Bet, babe. Slide a piece o' da' porter. Drink side, run da' java. Second Jive Dude: Hey lookie here. I can dig grease 'n chompin' on some butter and draggin' through the garden. [last lines] Man in Taxi: Well, I'll give him another twenty minutes; but that's it! Radio DJ: This is WZAZ in Chicago where disco lives forever... [the airplane zooms overhead the building, knocking the radio attena down, and the signal goes dead] Mrs. Geline: I haven't felt this bad since I saw that Ronald Regan movie. Rex Kramer: [talking on the phone to the airport control tower] No, we can't do that, the risk of a flame-out is too great. Keep 'em at 24,000. No, feet. [with Randi's help, and as Dr. Rumack looks on, Ted is studying the controls of Flight #209 and attempting, against all hope, to understand how in heaven do these blasted things work] Elaine Dickinson: Ted! What are you doing here? *You* can't fly this plane! Ted Striker: That's what I'm trying to *tell* these people! Rex Kramer: Don't be a fool, Striker, you know what a landing like this means, you more than anybody. I'm ordering you to stay up there. Ted Striker: No dice, Chicago. I'm giving the orders and we're coming in. I guess the foot's on the other hand now, isn't it Kramer? Johnny: Auntie Em, where's Toto? Its a twister! Its a twister! Steve McCroskey: How 'bout some coffee, Johnny? Johnny: No thanks! Rex Kramer: Passengers certain to die! Steve McCroskey: Airline neglect. Johnny: There's a sale at Penny's!