On my wedding day, I
carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in front of our
one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my
arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy. I was
a strong and happy bridegroom.
This was the scene of
ten years ago.
The following days were
as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid, I went into business and
tried to make more money. When the assets were steadily increasing, the
affections between us seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every
morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time. Our
kid was studying in a boarding school.
Our marriage life seemed
to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more likely to be affected
by unpredictable changes. Dew came into my life. It was a sunny day. I
stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once
again was immersed in her stream of love.
This was the apartment I
bought for her. Dew said, You are the kind of man who best draws girls
eyeballs. Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we just
married, my wife said, Men like you, once successful, will be very
attractive to girls. Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I
knew I had betrayed my wife. But I couldn't help doing so. I moved Dew's
hands aside and said, You go to select some furniture, O.K.? I've got
something to do in the company. Obviously she was unhappy, because I had
promised her to go and see with her.
At the moment, the idea
of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something
impossible to me. However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife
about it. No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be
deeply hurt. Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy
preparing dinner. I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready
soon. Then we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the
computer, visualizing Dews body. This was the means of my entertainment.
One day I said to her in
a slight joking way, suppose we divorce, what will you do? She stared at
me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently she believed that
divorce was something too far away from her. I couldn't imagine how she
would react once she got to know I was serious. When my wife went to my
office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife
with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking with
her. She seemed to have got some hint. She gently smiled at my
subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes. Once again, Dew said to
me, Hey Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live together. I nodded.
I knew I could not
hesitate any more. When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand.
I've got something to tell you, I said. She sat down and ate quietly.
Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to my
mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want to divorce.
I raised a serious topic calmly. She didn't seem to be much annoyed by
my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I'm serious. I avoided her
question. This so-called answer turned her angry. She threw away the
chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!
At that night, we didn't
talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what
had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory
answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.
With a deep sense of
guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our
house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then
tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been
living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. But I could
not take back what I had said.
Finally she cried loudly
in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was
actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had stressed me
for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer. At late night, I came
back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at
the table. I fell asleep fast. When I woke up, I found she was still
there. I turned over and was asleep again.
She brought up her
divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but I was supposed
to give her one month's time before divorce, and in the month's time we
must live as normal life as possible. Her reason was simple: our son
would finish his summer vacation a month later and she didn't want him
to see our marriage was broken. She passed me the agreement she drafted,
and then asked me, Hey Ning, do you still remember how I entered our
bridal room on the wedding day? This question suddenly brought back all
those wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, I remember. You
carried me in your arms, she continued, so, I have a requirement, that
is, you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce. From now
to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the
door every morning. I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those
sweet days and wished to end her marriage with a romantic form. I told
Dew about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought
it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the
result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me
feel uncomfortable.
My wife and I hadn't had
any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We
even treated each other as a stranger. So when I carried her out for the
first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is
holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From
the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten
meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, Let us
start from today, don't tell our son. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset.
I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for bus, I drove to
office.
On the second day, both
of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. We were so close
that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't
looked at this intimate woman carefully for a long time. I found she was
not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on her face.
On the third day, she
whispered to me, the outside garden is being demolished. Be careful when
you pass there. On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to
feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my
sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew became vaguer. On the
fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, where she
put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded.
The sense of intimacy was even stronger. I didn't tell Dew about this.
I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now. She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried and tried a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown fatter. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger.
I knew she had buried all the
bitterness in her heart. Again, I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I
reached out a hand to touch her head. Our son came in at the moment.
Dad, it's time to carry mum out, he said. To him, seeing his father
carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life. She
gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face
because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute. I held
her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to
the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held
her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day. But her much
lighter weight made me sad.
On the last day, when I held her in my
arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. She said,
actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old. I held
her tightly and said, Both you and I didn't notice that our life was
lacking of such intimacy.
I jumped out of the car swiftly without
locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my
decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door. I said to her, Sorry,
Dew, I won't divorce. I'm serious. She looked at me, astonished. The she
touched my forehead. You got no fever. She said. I moved her hand off my
head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I can only say sorry to you, I won't divorce.
My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the
details of life, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I
understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our
child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry
to you.
Dew seemed to
suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and
burst into cry. I walked downstairs and drove to the office. When I
passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife which
was her favorite. The sales girl asked me to write the greeting words on
the card. I smiled and wrote, "I'll carry you
out every morning until we are old.."