Shootout in the Peatbog

Vs

Tonight two premium Irish beers go head to gloriously frothy head. Alice will be reviewing Murphy's Irish Stout (draught) while Cheesey will be reviewing Kilkenny Draught. Both Reviewers purchased a 4 pack of 440 ml cans. Will Irish eyes be smiling on Alice or Cheesey in this week's review?

Both Reviewers noted early the easy drinking nature of both beverages, they reported a smoothness which made consuming the product both pleasureable and remarkably easy. Intoxication seemed to come on rather quickly with these products. By the time the first test game of Total Annihilation was played Cheesey was quoted as saying "I'm fuckn loose baby."

At this stage Reviewer Alice realised that his amount of alcohol seemed inadequate for the evening's review. He wisely went to the store for more. Once at the store (not the one he originally purchased the Murphy's at) Alice realised the selection was rather sparse in the way of Irish beverages. At this point he made a fateful decision to call in the help of the hated English by purchasing a can of Tetley's ale. All was not lost however when he also acquired a mini-bottle of Bushmill's Irish Whiskey.

Upon his return it was time for TA. Alice still had his wits about him, the Murphys didn't seem to be effecting him as much as his fellow reviewer after a similar amount of consumption. This was highlighted as Alice totally slayed Cheesey on Metal Heck. Perhaps Cheesey's Irish eyes were becoming markedly squinty.

A confusing time followed the humiliation of Cheesey as Alice somehow erased all his favourite Beck tunes from his PC necessitating a break to re-rip them. Was the Murphy's catching up rapidly? At this time both reviewers we're feeling the pangs of 'fookin drunk hounger' and decided to also attempt to get something to eat. Apparently the Irish influence allowed Alice to come up with a brand new way to cook potatoes in the midst of his buzz.

Cheesey wisely spent the time assessing Kilkenny's Zone Boot factor. Remarkably after telling all the sysops (and everyone else) he wanted to 'get with them' all he managed to accrue was a 5 minute ban, a fairly pathetic result.

The game was hard fought, both reviewers as per usual played spectacularly badly. Cheesey came out on top and celebrated by finding his favourite green clothes. After his crushing defeat at chess Alice consoled himself by having a shot of Bushmill's in the hopes that calling for the aid of some Irish brethren would even the odds.

Things became increasingly confused as the players made their way back to Zone for a TA rematch.

By this stage both Reviewers were pretty 'forkin trashed Paddy', they had managed to get throught their quota of beer with great commitment, but both were keen for some 'extra credit'. The Total Annihilation rematch was a rout, Cheesey demolishing Alice on Comet Catcher. He then proclaimed several times 'I'm the fuckn man'. Alice proceeded to blame 'that goddamn can of Tetley's' for somehow sabotaging his chances against fellow Irelanders.

The consumption was now taking heavy toll of both reviewers, at this stage Cheesey got rather obsessed with the song 'Fume'.

Bowling was next, a quick trip to the creamsaver lanes. With what could only be the luck of the Irish Cheesey pulled off a stunning performance to cap off a very memorable evening! Alice wallowed in self-pity after realizing he not only had to call in the aid of another clan (Bushmill) but had also asked for the help of the awful English and yet neither of these helped him fare any better. Nevertheless both combatants agreed that this was probably the best Beer Battle to date. A premium performance by two premium beers.

Final Analysis:

Irish Lust Factor: It appears Kilkenny made the well known Irish libido rear it's ugly head when Cheesey 'grabbed a quick shag' in mid beer battle. Murphy's however floundered in this category by never even prompting our reviewer to even once make lewd advances to any "unnamed female TA players" or other females within reach of communication. Next time you say 'Kiss me, I'm Irish' make sure you are holding a Kilkenny's. Apparently it will get you farther. Kilkenny: 1 Murphy's: 0

Zone Ban Factor: Results in this category were essentially unremarkable. Kilkenny barely comes out ahead by achieving only a 5 minute ban. Murphy's achieved nothing. It must be noted however that both our reviewers made repeated attempts to get booted from the Zone but there seemed to be a lack of sysops in the vicinity willing to challenge the lewd demeanor and tirade of offensive language. Could it be that the sheer intimidation of drunken Irishmen spoiling for a fight made the 'Zone Gestapo' flee in terror? We may never know.

Irish Pride: Kilkenny gained a decisive victory in this category by being able to complete the beer battle needing only the original 4 pack. Murphy's suffered a shameful defeat by calling in extra help from Bushmill's Whiskey and worse yet a can of the English Tetley's. This shameful sellout of it's Irish kinsmen leaves Murphy's a complete failure in the loyalty department. However, the combination of this full bodied beer with a few shots of a potent Irish whiskey did leave our reviewer with a "warm fuzzy feeling" not unlike the effect of slurring through a few Irish folk sing-a-longs with a pub full of paddys. Kilkenny: 2 Murphy's: 1

Dirty Celtic Bogwar Battle Factor: At first it seemed that Murphy's was well on its way to sweeping this category with a stunning opening victory at Metal Heck in the first TA battle. Kilkenny however rallied its forces and came back strong with a crushing offense in chess. Kilkenny, through sheer determination, was then able to smash the Murphy clan and it's English allies in the second game of TA. And as if to add insult to bloody injury, the Kils then gave them an extra bashing at bowling. Kilkenny: 3 Murphy's: 1

Loss of Cognition and Emotional Control: Murphy's did prove itself quite worthy in this respect causing Alice to become completely inept at simple windows functions such as loading a playlist into winamp. Deleting 2 whole Beck albums from the harddrive in the process of such a simple maneuver could only mean that Murphy's annihilated all traces of rational thinking. Also the resulting tirade of profanity that this incident brought about showed a complete loss of emotional control. Kilkenny did however give our reviewer extra determination to tell off sysops and TA players in a rash attempt at a zone ban. Murphy's: 4 Kilkenny: 2

Irish Culture Influence: Murphy's seemed to have a little more pull in this respect causing Alice not only to seek out potatoes but to create a brand new way to cook the traditional drab Irish meal. Kilkenny on the other hand had our reviewer randomly singing with badly typed lyrics and many fruitless attempts to get others to join in.

Even though Kilkenny clearly emerged victorious in the Celtic battle-royale, both of these beverages are very smooth drinking and won't dissappoint anyone with a taste for anything from the 'Emerald Isle'. The next time St. Patricks day rolls around you might want to go down to the local pub and ask for a Kilkenny then when you are good and ready for a fight get a quick pint of Murphy's down the hatch to give you that extra boost. As they say in Belfast (or the rougher parts of Dublin): "When I finush this pint Um goona cume dow' there und knock sefen diffurnt kinds o' shite out o' ye!"