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Cheesey and Alice battle it out to see which beer is "King of the Trailer Park"
First a little background. Pabst Blue Ribbon. What else can I say? This is
the one. The end-all be-all of the good ole white trash American way of life.
Countless episodes of "COPS" owe their very existence to this beer right here.
Probably more hard core domestic violence, high-quality child abuse and full
blown incest has gone down as a result of consuming this beverage than all other
brews combined. Unbutton that blue work shirt with the name patch proudly
displayed over the left pocket and take it off to reveal your wife-beater. Tear
open that pack of GPC lights, and plop down on that 15-year-old recliner with
the springs coming out. Let the family know that "the belt is gonna come off"
if "those goddamn kids don't shut the fuck up right now". Tell the little
woman she better hurry up with that can of pork 'n' beans and of course another
can of Pabst. Enjoy yourself; you've earned it. You truly are the lord of the
trailer park.
The Kiwi contender is none other than Rheineck, a German style brew with a checkered reputation. The general consensus is this piss weak brew should pose few problems for the more likely Pabst, but Cheesey seems to know something we dont. He remains quietly confident in this beer.
Who will come out on top? Who will be spewing off the deck? Can Alice follow up his plunge down a bank with another spectacular stunt? We will find out over the next few hours!!
Early on Pabst shows through well. Cheesey quickly downs four cans and isn't feeling the effects yet. Alice on the other hand has begun making typos and arguing with his mother. Will Rheineck be able to catch up?
First on the menu is TA, a quick fire game on Dark Side. Early on Alice totally dominates until Cheesey gets up his pun in a bold move. Alice can take it no more and charges the pun d-guns flyin' everywhere. In the carnage Alice's com blows takin out cheese too.
Split honours on the first round, who will prevail at chess?
Both players were still relatively sober, particularly Cheesey. It would appear that although his consumption rate was extremely impressive the sheer lack of punch would make true intoxication difficult.
Chess ended with a final bold assault by Alice's king and 2 most trusted pawns apparently in a blaze-of-glory style suicide mission. Just before they were gunned down Alice got disconnected from the zone and had to reboot and get another beer.
Alice's profanity level was excellent showing the special formulation of the Blue Ribbon for pumping up for those trailerpark rumbles. High marks here.
The reviewers returned to the TA room to sort out a rematch, both the Reviewers were by now beginning to squint markedly. Cheesey was an excellent example of Rheineck's diuretic properties pissing on average every 7 minutes.
By this stage consumption levels were reasonable, Cheesey had gone through approximately 8 cans while Alice was lagging slighly on 6.
To put the beer really through its paces Cheesey chose to listen to some Guns and Roses, hoping that the combination of Rheineck with some 80's rock would invoke some sort of 'beer powerup'.
Unfortunately a regular pattern of activity emerged and both the Reviewers were booted from Zone by +drac, Alice achieving better results with a day ban than Cheesey's one hour effort. Extra marks for the Pabst here.
A rather strange thing occurred at this time, both our Reviewers became seemingly obsessed with a particular song. Cheesey could not seem to stop quoting from 'Muthafucker', was some sort of redneck paranoia setting in?
Alice too seemed totally overcome with Debra, he attempted to 'get with' everyone he encountered, whether or not they had a sister. This bizarre pattern of behaviour continued for the remainder of the evening.
After being 'removed' from zone, the Reviewers decided to test the coordination with some Bowling, so it was off to the Creamsaver Lanes. Due to Cheesey's dodgy connection it took some time to get going. In the meantime both Reviewers bravely consumed more product to test it with the premiere White Trash sport.
It was Alice's turn now to try to enhance his beer's performance. Would a can of pork and beans do what the Guns and Roses couldn't? Alice enthusiastically ate the beans straight out of the can. During this phase there was another heavy wave of Debra and Mutherfucker with Cheesey constantly taunting Alice with "Everything I do is to try to fuck u up"
When the bowling action began Alice took an early lead closing out the first game by a solitary point. It looked like the pork and beans was a brilliant piece of strategic timing. Alice celebrated his win by announcing he wanted to 'Get with you'. In the rematch Cheesey was stunning at one stage scoring 3 consecutive strikes. At about this stage Alice's consumption fell to a near standstill while Cheese kept powering on. He was desperate to achieve 'beer utopia' but it simply wasn't to be.
Alice by this stage was totally intoxicated, unfortunately we are unable to post a transcript of his conversation with "certain unamed female TA players" due to the illegality of some of the comments/threats made. It is clear the lack of control and propensity for criminal activity was due to the Blue Ribbon.
The evening ended with Cheesey finishing his dozen and finding some leftovers, disgusted with the poor results his beer choice achieved.
Final Analysis:
Depravity Factor: Though it appears that both beers left our reviewers in a state of questionable moral character Pabst certainly lived up to its reputation as Alice changed his name several times to increasingly explicit phrases. It also induced him to discuss at length the many obscene things he planned to do with certain female TA players and JC Penny and Sav-On cashier girls and their sisters. As for straight out erasing any class our test subjects may have had, the actual deliberate seeking out of Guns 'N' Roses rates fairly high on the white trash scale. However, the eating of pork 'n' beans straight out of the can shows a drastic disappearance of dignity that only a true white trash beverage could bring about. Way to go Pabst.
Zone Ban speed: Though both beers easily got our reviewers kicked off of the Zone relatively quickly, Rheineck came out with a stunning victory by getting Cheesey banned in a record 1 hour and 5 mins. Pabst followed closely behind with a full-day ban after a violent rant at sysops and ta players, that included over 15 uses of the word "fuck" and its derivatives, in open chat.
Loss of Cognition and Emotional Control: Both beers took quite some time to wipe out our reviewers higher brain functions. Even after 5 beers Alice was still able to tell his mother the approximate longitude of Mexico City in a bizarre phone call that has not yet been confirmed to have actually occured. Cheesey was still able to locate video bowling and play quite well without too much trouble from Rheineck. Pabst comes out ahead for the increasingly obscene comments and tirade of Beck lyrics being shouted to anyone and everyone who had the misfortune to chat with Alice.
Pisses Per Hour: Rheineck proved its diuretic prowess here causing Cheesey to interrupt games at a steady rate to piss almost constantly. Pabst fell far short in number of pisses but did cause great confusion in determining whether to piss inside or in the backyard as it made our reviewer forget that the plumbing had indeed been fixed. The white trash influence clearly prevailed and lead to pissing on the lawn several times as is proper in the mobile home community. Rheineck: 10 Pabst: 5.3
Hand-Eye Coordination and Strategic planning: Throughout most of the games played Rheineck seemed to dominate forcing us to conclude it had little effect on our reviewers ability to play video games. Pabst on the other hand had our reviewer doing inexplicably stupid things such as trading a queen for a bishop and charging heavy laser turrets with his commander and no energy to fire the d-gun. Both these beers induced a feeling of class consciousness that could probably only be surpassed by something like crack cocaine. They reduced both our test subjects to raving slobbering animals barely fit to comprehend the rules of American football. Pabst however shows it's long established ability to turn anything it comes in contact with into a shotgun-toting chain-smoking, belt-wielding master of all things classless. Still overlord of the mobile home: Pabst Blue Ribbon.