Fans are enraged after allegations that Fergie deliberately kicked a football boot at the footballer's head during a fit of anger at United's defeat on the 18th February 2003.
As teenage girls mourn the greatest loss of a good-looking football player with nice legs since Robbie Fowler broke his nose and Alan Shearer got old, mothers everywhere have been reported as offering to adopt "little David" and "take proper care of him, better than that snooty Victoria".
Experts remain unsure whether the event has left Beckham with any serious long-term damage, as they claim the difference would be so difficult to observe.
It is with a sense of relief, then, that we should view the attack: three feet lower and victoria could sue for personal damages, and four feet lower and an entire country may have lost all hope of england ever winning a football match again.
David has decided against pressing charges over the incident, and will continue to play for the team for the foreseeable future according to an official statement released to a gang of bloodthirsty reporters wielding microphones and wads of money outside the county general on Tuesday. However, insider information tells us here at The Pun that Becks is just awaiting the right time to gain vengeance on his attacker, preferably in a dark alleyway, alone with his nemesis and a Super Soaker 3000.
- Feb 2003