LOSERS

by
Rolando Garcia

Fifth (And Final?) Draft.
August 13, 1999

Unpublished work © 1998-1999 Rolando Garcia. 
FADE IN:

(Establishing shots of somewhere. Not sure of the location yet).

EXT. SOMEWHERE – MORNING

CHRIS and DAVE are sitting together. Dave is drinking coffee and Chris has a can of Coke.

CHRIS
Did I tell you about the other night with Marty and Rick? We were hanging out, drinking with these two fine girls. I mean, they were hot. They were getting it on so I had the great idea of pretending to be drunker than I was so Marty and one girl would walk me away from Rick and the other one. When we were far enough I left them. It worked perfectly. At one end Marty was hooking up and at the other one Rick was. So I just sat down and passed out.

Dave is still silent.

A really attractive girl walks by wearing a belly shirt. She's showing off her belly button ring. Chris reacts favorably.

CHRIS
Yo. Check out that girl. She's hot. And she's even got a belly button ring. Navel piercing really do it for me. So many hot girls.

DAVE
Will you shut up? Christ, sometimes I wonder why God gave you an ass cause all that comes out of your mouth is shit.

CHRIS
What's your problem? All you’ve done is mope and now you’re insulting me. 

Beat.

DAVE
I’m sorry.

CHRIS
You better be. So what do you wanna do today? Bitch and complain about your girlfriend? Make me tag along on some half-assed scheme?

DAVE
I just want to wallow in self pity.

CHRIS
Why?

DAVE
Because I feel like it.

CHRIS
Why, though? I bet it’s because of that coffee. That gourmet stuff always tastes like bile. Have some coke.

DAVE
This "gourmet stuff" helps settle my stomach and keep my awake.

CHRIS
Did sleep so well last night?

DAVE
I spent it throwing up.

CHRIS
You didn't look sick yesterday.

DAVE
I was drunk.

CHRIS
Without me? What's up with that? How could you go out partying and not tell me. I didn't have anything to do last night.

DAVE
I didn't party last night.
(Holds his head)
Goddamn headache!

CHRIS
It's called a hang over. What happened?

DAVE
Last night?

CHRIS
No, the other last night.

DAVE
Last night was a long night.

INT. HOUSE - NIGHT

People are dancing and drinking. There's a party going on.

Dave is at the door dressed in the same clothes but he looks neat, like he just put them on. The bouncer at the door is checking a list.

DAVE (V.O.)
First of all, I went to the party over at Perry House with Katie. But they couldn't find my name on the invite list.

CHRIS (V.O.)
Did they ever find it?

DAVE (V.O.)
No.

CHRIS (V.O.)
That sucks.

DAVE (V.O.)
It gets worse.

Dave has a hopeless expression on his face as he's booted out of the party.

EXT. SOME ROMANTIC PLACE	

Dave is sitting next to KATIE.

DAVE (V.O.)
I brought her to (wherever) and bought her ice cream.

CHRIS (V.O.)
She liked that, right? Girls think that kind of stuff is cute and sweet.

DAVE (V.O.)
Not Katie.

CHRIS(V.O.)
What did she do?

DAVE (V.O.)
She dumped me.

Dave looks at Katie and mouths and exaggerated ‘No.’

CHRIS (V.O.)
Because you couldn't get into the party? Or because you bought her ice cream?

DAVE (V.O.)
Neither. She said she thought she could do better than me. She thought I wasn't good enough to go out with her. I had no ambition and wasn't worth anything.

CHRIS (V.O.)
Shit. What did you do?

DAVE (V.O.)
The only thing I could do.

Dave gets down on his knees in front of Katie and starts groveling.

DAVE (V.O.)
Beg.

CHRIS (V.O.)
I guess it didn't work.

DAVE (V.O.)
No. She got up and left. The only thing I have to remember her by is stains from the ice cream she threw at me.

Katie gets up, throws her ice cream at Dave and leaves. Dave’s head drops.

CHRIS (V.O.)
That’s just wrong. So you went home and go plastered?

DAVE (V.O.)
That wasn't my intention. On my way home I ran into some guys where gonna go drinking. 

INT. SOME ROOM - NIGHT

Dave is with A BUNCH OF GUYS drinking a beer.

DAVE (V.O.)
I joined them.

INT. DAVE’S ROOM - NIGHT

Dave is laying face up in bed. He looks sick.

DAVE (V.O.)
When I got to me room to tried going to sleep but after a few seconds I started throwing up.

Dave rolls out of bed and vomits all over the floor.

INT. DORM BATHROOM - NIGHT

Dave’s head is over the toilet, throwing up.

DAVE (V.O.)
I spent the whole night throwing up.

EXT. SOMEPLACE

CHRIS
How much did you drink?

DAVE
Four shots of tequila, one shot of whiskey and five or six shots of vodka. And a 40.

CHRIS
How long where you there drinking?

DAVE
About an hour.

CHRIS
You drank all that in an hour?

DAVE
Yeah.

CHRIS
Christ! What are nuts? 

DAVE
Depressed. Now shut up.

CHRIS
So this is why you’re moping around?

DAVE
Yes.

CHRIS
Shit. You should have called me. I would have set you straight before you frank yourself intoa coma. So, you missed a party, you lost your girlfriend and you spent the night throwing up. Lighten up! It could be worse. You could be dead.

DAVE
Just leave me alone. I should have stayed home..

CHRIS
No you shouldn't have.

They are quite. Beat.

CHRIS
I was watching "Clerks" the other day and it dawned on me that every contemporary movie with young people includes at least one "Star Wars" reference. Why? I mean, "Star Wars" is cool and all but why can't they talk about another movie. There so many good ones out there. Like "Back to the Future." It's got everything: a time travelling DeLorean, a ton of 80's references, terrorist in a van, a cute girl, a skateboarding scene, a dance scene and Michael J. Fox.

Dave is still silent, staring at his coffee.

CHRIS
Jesus! You must be depressed if I talk about "Back to the Future" and you don’t make fun of my male crush on Michael J. Fox. Get over it already. You had a bad night. Fuck that. My life is filled with them.

Dave stills doesn’t say anything.

CHRIS
I give up!

Beat.

DAVE
She called me a loser, too.

CHRIS
What?

DAVE
On top of everything else, Katie called me a loser.

CHRIS
And?

DAVE
She’s right.

CHRIS
What does she know? She’s dumb. I always told you she was, too.

DAVE
No, she’s right. I am a loser.

CHRIS
You are not.

DAVE
Look at me. Look at my life. What do I have going for me? Right now I'm pulling a "C" average which doesn't matter because I don't know what I want to do with my life. I'm forgettable enough not to be put on an invite list. And my girlfriend. She dumps me.

CHRIS
I'm always here for you, man.

DAVE
Yeah. Thanks.

CHRIS
At least you went out and did something last night. You want to know what I did?

DAVE
Not really.

CHRIS
Too bad.

INT. CHRIS’ ROOM - AFTERNOON

Chris walks in and reaches into the refrigerator.

CHRIS (V.O.)
I got back to my room after class. You weren't around so I didn't have anything to do. First thing I did was grab some food left in my fridge.

He pulls out a half eaten sandwich and a bottle of juice  and walks out of the kitchen.

INT. CHRIS’ ROOM - AFTERNOON

Chris sits down in front of his computer.

CHRIS (V.O.)
I finished my half-eaten sandwich while surfing the Internet for movie news. Excited yet?

DAVE (V.O.)
No.

CHRIS (V.O.)
Let’s see, what happened next? Oh yeah!

INT. CHRIS’ ROOM - NIGHT

Chris is sitting in front of his television, flipping through the channels on his remote.

CHRIS (V.O.)
That’s right! After getting sick of being on the Internet, I watched some TV...

INT. CHRIS’ ROOM - NIGHT

Chris is sitting the same way he was before, except this time, all the lights are out, except for the TV’s flashing screen.

CHRIS (V.O.)
All night! Want to know what happened next?

DAVE (V.O.)
Do I have a choice?

CHRIS (V.O.)
No.

INT. CHRIS’ ROOM - NIGHT

Chris sits in front of his computer, again. The lights in his room are out. All we see is the soft glow of the computer screen on Chris. He’s typing furiously and laughing to himself.

CHRIS (V.O.)
Anyway, after watching some bad movie I decided to go on the Internet. I went into different chatrooms and made fun of the people.

Suddenly Chris stops laughing.

CHRIS (V.O.)
Then some jackass sent me a virus and crashed my computer.

He bangs his computer a couple of times.

EXT. SOMEWHERE

CHRIS
At least you did something last night. I had a boring night.

DAVE
But nothing bad happened to you.

CHRIS
Nothing ever happens to me. If you aren't around and if I'm not helping someone hook up, I'm always sitting around the house alone. It's like I'm the supporting player in everyone's life but I don't have one of my own.

DAVE
So you're a loser too.

CHRIS
Holy shit! I am, aren't I? Why didn't I realize this before? I'm so busy being stuck in other people's lives and laughing at my own sad positions in them that I failed to see I have no life of my own. Wow. I'm a loser.

DAVE
We’re losers.

CHRIS  
This is fucked up. Ignorance was bliss.

DAVE
I can’t stand being a loser.

CHRIS
(angry as hell)
I'm a loser!

Chris is angry. Beat. As they are moping a STUDENT walks between them and accidentally hits Chris. Chris gets up.

CHRIS
Watch where you’re going, asshole.

STUDENT
What?

CHRIS
You heard me.

STUDENT
(In Chris’ face)
Actually, I didn’t hear you very well. Why don’t you repeat yourself?

CHRIS
I said:
(Slowly)
Watch where you’re going, asshole.

STUDENT
There are two reasons I don’t kick your ass right now. First, my girlfriend is waiting for me. Second, I don’t want to hurt my fists on a jackass like you. So why don’t you go take a rim job from your buddy over there and fuck off?

The Student pushes Chris, who falls down into his sitting position.

STUDENT
Loser.

Student walks up the stairs.

CHRIS 
I should have kicked his ass! Why didn’t I? Did you see that guy? He was an asshole. And he’s got a girlfriend. He probably has his own life. Not me. And he called me a loser!

DAVE
That’s what we are.

They both sit in silence. Beat. Chris finishes his soda and looks at the can.

CHRIS
Losers.

Chris tosses the can over his shoulder. he drops his head. 
Behind him

THE CAN

hits a few steps and stops. Beat. A hand reaches down and picks it up. 

BRAD 

another college student, dressed in clean-up gear, picks up and looks at the can then at the back of Chris’ head. Throws the can right at Chris' head.

CHRIS

is shocked. He has no idea what happened.

BRAD
Hey! Throw your garbage in the can so I don’t have to, asshole.

CHRIS
(Getting up)
That’s it! 
(While turning)
Fuck you, assh--

Chris sees Brad.

CHRIS
BRAD!

BRAD
Hey, Chris and Dave. Shit, if I knew it was you, I would have hit you even harder.

Dave gets up now that he sees it was Brad.

CHRIS
Bitch, if you had hit me harder I would have fucked you up.

BRAD
Whoa. Tough guy. 

CHRIS
So, why are you picking up garbage?

BRAD
I need the money for my Italian class.

CHRIS
What Italian class?

BRAD
"How to learn Italian by watching hardcore porn." 
So what are guys up to?

CHRIS
Moping.

BRAD
Moping? Hey, Dave does this have anything to do with what happened last night?

DAVE
How the hell did you know about that?

BRAD
You know me. I know everything.

DAVE
Well then, you know why I’m moping so don’t ask.

Dave sits back down.

BRAD
He’s being a touchy mother fucker. Why are you moping, Chris? Nothing happened to you last night.

CHRIS
Nothing ever happens to me. That's the problem.

BRAD
So why are you wallowing like a little bitch.?

CHRIS
Because I did nothing last night. I have no life of my own, goddamn it!

 BRAD
Fuckin' A. You guys need to lighten up. Watch some wrestling or something.

CHRIS
Lighten up? We’re pathetic! 

Chris sits back down next to Dave.

BRAD
You're both being idiots you know.

DAVE
Easy for you to say.

CHRIS
I bet you did something exciting last night.

BRAD
You're right about that. I’ll tell you what I did last night.

Brad sits down on the step behind Chris and Dave, between them.

INT. BRAD’S HOUSE - BRAD’S ROOM - NIGHT

Brad walks into his room

BRAD (V.O.)
Last night I got home late because I spent the day working. I took out one of my favorite movies.

Brad takes a video tape next to his VCR. The label reads: "Hardcore Extravaganza 5: Back Door Whores."

BRAD (V.O.)
I popped the tape into the VCR...

Brad puts the tape into the VCR.

BRAD (V.O.)
Turned off the lights...

Brad turns off the lights.

BRAD (V.O.)
Jumped into bed...

Brad jumps in bed and covers himself.

BRAD (V.O.)
And enjoyed myself.

Brad is lit by the flickering light from the TV. He has a weird grin on his face.

EXT. SOMEWHERE

Brad is smiling devilishly. Chris and Dave are still sitting with their heads down.

DAVE
So you’re a loser too.

CHRIS
Yep, another fucking loser.

Brad’s slaps Chris and Dave upside their heads.

BRAD
Fuck you. I'm no loser. Come here assholes.

The don't move.

BRAD
COME ON!

Brad drags Chris and Dave to their feet, although they resist. Once they are up they follow him.

EXT. SOMEWHERE ELSE

Dog feces is on the sidewalk. Brad, Chris and Dave stand over it.

BRAD
Will one of you be so kind as to tell me what that is?

CHRIS
It’s shit.

BRAD
Hey! You’re pretty smart. And you know what I have to do?

CHRIS
Eat it.

BRAD
No. At least not on this job.

DAVE
You have to clean it up.

BRAD
Correct. I clean up shit.

CHRIS
That sucks dick.

BRAD
Oh, it sucks dick all right. Almost as much as your mother. 
	Now, as I was saying, I clean up shit. And a lot of people don't feel the need to clean up after their pets so there's a lot. I mean tons of it. It's lined up along the sidewalks and in the grass as far as the eye can see. And I have to clean up all of it.

CHRIS
That’s thoroughly repulsive.

DAVE
I think I’m gonna puke.

CHRIS
Some more?

DAVE
Shut up.

BRAD
Now, what do you think most people would call me for doing that as a job?

DAVE
A loser?

CHRIS
A big fucking loser?

BRAD
That’s right. But you know what? It's my job, I like it and I’m getting paid good money for it. Money which helps me better myself. Before, though, I got my money working in a stock broker's office. I hated it so I found this, which I enjoy much more.

CHRIS
So you like cleaning up shit. Big whoop. This ain't helping me get a life.

DAVE
Forget this.

BRAD
Do I have to spell everything out for you fuckheads? I CLEAN SHIT! That's my job! And I'm happy! As opposed to working with a huge ass stock broker! Were I a loser I  would stay at the stock broker's office, whining like a bitch, even if I enjoyed cleaning shit. See what I mean? If you don't like your station in life go out and do something about it instead of wallowing in self pity. Now, I'm not telling you everyone should be out there cleaning up shit. It's a tough job and only a select few can handle it. But I think you get the picture. 

Chris and Dave look down at the pile of shit. They both crack a smile. They figured something out. Their smiles turn into laughter.

CHRIS
You drag us here to talk to us about cleaning dog shit. Brad, you are the most fucked up person I know.

BRAD
Hey now! Thank you. 

DAVE
Who would have thought you actually have something thoughtful to say?

BRAD
I’m a philosophical kind of guy. I’m "deep" or something.

DAVE
(very serious)
You sure are. You taught me an important lesson today, Brad, and I even feel better about myself.

CHRIS
That’s just about the cheesiest thing you’ve ever said. Have you been hanging out in those coffee shops lately? Fucking idiot.

DAVE
There you go, talking shit again.

CHRIS
Well, I sleep with your mother.

BRAD
Hey, can you guys do me a little favor?

CHRIS
Sure, what?

BRAD
Get the fuck out so I can clean up!

CHRIS
I guess. Laters.

DAVE
See ya later.

BRAD
Bye.

Chris and Dave walk away leaving Brad behind them. Brad pulls out the tiny scooper. He looks at the turd.

BRAD
Time to clean you up, motherfucker.

EXT. SOMEWHERE

Chris and Dave are walking past the step where they were moments ago.

CHRIS
What do you want to do now?

DAVE
We can go see a movie or something. But first I need another cup of coffee. 

CHRIS
From that coffee shop?

DAVE
Yeah.

CHRIS
Oh, come on man. How many times do I have to tell you? It tastes like bile.

DAVE
What if I told you Michael J. Fox drinks it? I bet you'd like it then. 

CHRIS
Real funny. If you're not careful I'm going to beat you. Hey, did you hear something about a party at Rick's tonight?

DAVE
Really? We should go.

CHRIS
Yeah. I think I might hook myself up.

Chris and Dave keep walking.

FADE OUT

THE END