HOW TO GET A JOB IN PR

There’s got to be. I don’t quite know how you get it, or even if its advertised. But there must be a vacancy there. Because there’s no way that a professional can be doing this *particular* job. It’s got to have been a badly thought, last-minute addition to General Redneck’s roles & responsibilities - tacked on at five to five on a Friday afternoon and just signed off by the General without even reading it.

Imagine it. In the war room, where our skin palls to black & white under the glow of monitors, and generals talk of only twenty million dead, a piece of paper is handed to a President named after a small plant. On it are a list of words. One of these words, one of these buzzwords, has to encapsulate the very spirit of the Armageddon we are about to enter. One of these phrases will go down in history as showing just how imaginative, how daring, how brave these souls are. Will show the absolute moral superiority and unquestionable correctness of the actions. Will be the name of a major Hollywood blockbuster in 2014 about how brave the boys were, carving freedom from veils and sand. If there is a mankind that makes films in a decades time.

I don’t know what was on that piece of paper. What I do know is that the lazy thinking of the President chose the phrase to define our generations very own flashpoint was “OPERATION IRAQI FREEDOM”.

Jesus. How dull. If there was ever, ever a time for George Bush to show imagination, then that was the time. This is the phrase that will fall from the lips of millions over the new few years. And this is the phrase that is to inspire millions of bullets to ejaculate from weapons our like a porn star on Viagra spunking fire.

And that’s why I know there’s a vacancy somewhere in the US Militaries PR department. Actually, the whole department probably quit in a fit of common sense. No way is it going to look good on a CV. In meeting rooms up and down the America Homeland, interviews panels will lean forward and ask the $64,00-a-year question ...

“Are you the one who thought up the highly imaginative name OPERATION IRAQI FREEDOM?”

I would put at least 5p on the fact that anyone who answers yes to that question doesn’t get the job. Because they’re all looking for new jobs in there these days. Probably, but since I can’t prove it, it must be true. Just an incredibly well-hidden fact. I just need more time..

You see, someone must have sat down in the US Military Army PR Unit and said to Dr.Strangelove across a table something like....

“Look, there’s no way we can spin-doctor this. We’re fighting a religious war to control oil formed by the remains of dinosaurs that our Bible tells us didn’t ever exist and we’re planted there by God to test our faith. Mr Bush, our PR is fucked and you’re on your own with this one.”

So, just so you know, it’s not just Saddam’s military infrastructure that’s in disarray. There’s loads of jobs in the US Military PR Unit up for grabs right now. If you write something really dull and prosaic - something like “I wAnT joB in ARMy to t£ll lie$ and plAy wiTH guN to sh00t darkies” you’ll probably get the job if George is on the Interview panel. He likes unimaginative things. I hear he especially likes applications written in crayon.

If you get the job you don’t even need to have any skill with words or PR. It’ll be the easiest, least challenging PR job in the world, with an easily satisfied President for a boss. But there’ll be plenty of applicants. Word is out. There’s a job suited for a moron in the US Army, and there’s plenty of those in the Army already, so competition is fierce.

So if you decided to apply : good luck and remember to say a prayer - you’ll need it.