www.markreed.cjb.net - The Peoples Republic Of Tidiness

THE KIPPLE THEORY

I think I was going to rant about something, oh yeah, I think so, but I can’t remember what. The important thing is that if my memory was better I don’t think I’d be racking my brains thinking, I’m angry, but erm, about what? It’s not a lack of targets on my part, its just that I can’t really pick one thing.

Oh yeah, here it comes.

I’m thinking of extending my Superhero powers. No longer The Tidier or The Alphabeticiser, but declaring a brand new nation, a religion, The People’s Republic Of Tidiness. For those of you who play Nation States (a mildly interesting minor nation simulator), will notice that I in fact declared a virtual, online People’s Republic Of Tidiness. You can all join if you want. But don’t feel that you have to.

We have our own flag, and everything. And a motto : Don’t mess with Tidiness. See, the thing is, Tidiness is next to Godliness. It is, and that’s a fact. See, where I live at the moment, I live with a flatmate whose filing mechanism called The Floor. Kinda annoys me, as you might have gathered.

WELCOME TO THE PEOPLES REPUBLIC OF TIDINESS

It’s easy to lose things if you don’t put them away. If you kinda just leave everything, both important and unimportant, lying in one place, how can you tell what’s junk and what’s not? When you lose something, how can you find it? Instead of spending two hours looking for some insignificant piece of paper you have lying around with an incredibly important phone number on it (And whilst I remember, any phone number that isn’t Drew Barrymore’s is only of relative importance), you don’t have to sift through the EU Mountain of Crap because You’ve Already Thrown Away The Junk And Filed The Important Shit.

Just think of it. When it’s rubbish it goes in the bin. When its not it goes away with all the other stuff : Phone bills in a folder called “Phone Bills”. When you need to see a Phone Bill you just look in a folder called Phone Bills, instead of wading in a sea of crap such as old receipts, bits of paper, fluff, kipple, Kit Kat Wrappers and general detritus including the first manuscript of The Bible in the hope you’ll find whatever it is you’re looking for. If you want to do a Bono, then by all means, just throw everything you ever have, important and unimportant on the floor. And you’ll never find what you’re looking for.

But you’ve got competition. The Patron Saint Of Kipple is Philip K Dick, so you better be careful.

*kipple is the theory that whenever you leave bits of paper lying around they double in volume, mass, and quantity every 24 hours unless placed in a bin. PKD was a genius.

THE GLOATING

Of course, I confess to a minor gloating when, during a particularly messy exercise of tax self-certification, the stresses and strains of others as they search amongst approximately 400,000 slips of paper looking for that all important receipt results in frustration. (Well, welcome to my world!). Of course, part of me was silently screaming out if you kept your shit together you wouldn’t be stressed now, you’d just know exactly where it was<. After all, it takes what, ten seconds to put something away where it belongs. If that, and when you do that, you don’t take hours trying to find shit, you just know where it is.

Sure, its boring, and nowhere near as artistic to be organised (though I was mildly insulted to be accused of being ‘uncreative’ just because I kept my shit tidy, how prejudiced), but for fucks sake, if you know where shit is, then you don’t waste time looking for it. Being untidy is simple laziness.

Besides which, maybe its just me, maybe I’m just a pervert, but I always thought that you know, untidiness is ugly. Whenever I see a pile of clothes, disorganised boxes, anything that looks like just a random selection of crap, I immediately ask myself

a) am I living with Tracy Emin?
b) Who left that pile of shit in my house?
Or
c) When are BBC1 coming round to film Life Of Grime?

Hell, untidiness is clutter. It’s ugly on the eyes. And there’s no way you can be proud of your life if you don’t take pride in your appearance, not only of yourself, but of your stuff. Being untidy is like going with a wash for weeks on end – fundamentally it means you don’t care about yourself, and don’t care for yourself. It means you don’t give a shit about what you or your house looks like.

THE HYGIENE OF TIDINESS

Of course, there’s also a hygiene issue. If you can’t see stuff you can’t tell what’s dirty and what’s clean. You can’t work out if the rabbits eaten anything important because you just kinda, you know, left it lying around, and besides which, you know who cares? There’s dirty plates that have been there for weeks, which is just like, so depressing. They’ve probably established their own democracies, funded by the US government. After all, we call them Dirty Plates, but they call themselves The Democratic Microbe Republic of PhartiPhuckBalz for all we know.

Dammit! Just keep your shit tidy and put stuff away when you’ve finished with it, and this place won’t look like a) A Bomb’s Hit It (shit, I am My Mum!) or b) An upcoming episode of Life Of Grime.

Because to me, untidiness is next to Chavviness. Being untidy is so incredibly White Trash, because you just don’t give a shit about anything apart from what’s on TV. You could sit in a room that looks like someone bagged up all their own faeces in Sainsbury’s carrier bags (this actually happens, I’ve seen it on TV, so it must true) for fifteen years and then died, but as long as the piles of shit aren’t in the way of the TV, who cares?

Answer : I care. Because I have to live here too. Untidness is laziness, white trashiness, Trishaness, and it looks ugly. And there’s enough ugliness in the world anyway.

Just clean up after yourself for fucks sake, surely years of losing important phone numbers, receipts, remote controls (and no doubt, cash) have taught to just stick shit wherever it needs to go?

Cleanliness is Tidiness and Tidiness is next to Godliness, and since I don’t believe in God (I have no faith in women, after all), I have to believe in the next best thing. All hail The People’s Democratic Republic Of Tidiness! If you don’t keep it tidy we’ll send in the Death Squads….

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