SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT

Conventional wisdom tells us we get mellow with age. That’s bullshit baby, but I still love you. We don’t mellow. We become even more entranched in what we already believe. For someone like me, that’s well well dangerous. For someone with a siege mentality like I, that is, that most of the rest of the world are scum worthy only of being turned into Soylent Green because they don’t like the same music I do.

Nah, it’s the small stuff that bothers me. So let us cut to the chase.

People who wear Sunglasses at night are wankers. There’s no ifs or buts about it. Unless you’re a Vampire, and you probably need to. But I don’t like hanging around Vampires. Or wankers who wear Sunglasses at Night.

“Yeah. I’ve seen you. You think you’re so cool. Why don’t you just fuck off?”

Well. Yeah. You. With the sunglasses. Walking around in the dark. But I warn you, you look stupid. And we all know it. But we like having you around. Just wander around, and keep banging your shins on stuff. That makes us laugh.

Oooh, I’m so cool. BANG! Hey you, with the bloodied shins, keep on at it. We like you being ‘cool’. Keep at it. Keep walking into stuff. BANG! Don’t just bloody the shins, break them.

“I wear my Sunglasses at night so I can meet all the girls….”

Here’s a clue. If you wear Sunglasses at night, you ain’t going to meet any girls, and even if you do, you won’t even know what they are : you’ll mistake them for something dark and indistinct…. And BANG! You’ve not just broken your shins, you’ve kneecapped yourself.

Keep at it, you wanker. We need some entertainment. We’ll be watching. Rubbernecking at the carcrash that is your life. But you look so cool… and so stupid, you shinless wonders. You’ll be able to believe a man can walk….

Well. For a few feet anyway, before he breaks his shins. The next time you’re on a grassy knoll, hearing a loud BANG! somewhere behind you, it isn’t JFK, or a lone gunman. It’s A Shinless, Sunglassed Wonder…