The Domestic Terrorist - A Matter Of Life And Death

SUICIDE BOOTHS....

Last week a motorway outside Leicester was closed for six hours as some selfish idiots was threatening suicide. A tube station was closed for two hours due to a fatality. I�ve lost count of the number of times that I�ve arrived late somewhere because someone, somewhere else had decided that the daily business of living is just too much like hard work.

More than anything, suicide is inconvenient. Think of the mess. The special details that have to scrape up every last trace of sinew and muscle and bone and unidentified flesh and brain from the site of a suicide. (Though there is a LA-based company that now specialises in such things. For a hefty fee of course.)

Think of the inconvenience. Trains are delayed as the remains of some morbid commuters are recovered and cleared out of the way. Cars are detoured, or written off by low-flying pedestrians falling off bridges. Think of the children. Think of the mental anguish that Tube drivers go through - on average each tube driver has three commuters painted on the side of his cab by the time to retire. And every time he gets into a cab after that is the unbearable knowledge that today he could deliver someone to the Lord. Think of anything.

Take the words of Dorothy Parker (from Resume). It�s almost as painful to go through the process of selecting a method of suicide than it is to actually commit it. Traditionally, men go for the Big Exits. Leaping off tall buildings or in front of high-speed vehicles and trains.

It�s messy. And it gets in the way of big business. It makes people late for meetings and costs money.

This is why I�m suggesting a new Government Initative. Suicide Booths.

NEW... IMPROVED..... SUICIDE BOOTHS!

An easy, convenient way to kill yourself, easily tailored to match up with your requirements, and the needs of the hectic lifestyle. No furtive plans, no shame. No glances at high rooftop carparks assessing the velocity and impact speeds. No gazing longingly at locked rooftop doors. No logistical construction in trying to arrange a speedy way to die that causes as little pain to those souls trapped on the mortal plane. No more waiting for the train. No more wondering about the dosages in a mixture of Proplus, paint stripper, Red Bull, cheap Boots Paracetamol, and wondering if you�ll wake up with merely a very bad headache / hangover, or simply crippling self-inflicted brain damage with reduced motor functions.

With Suicide Booths all your problems are washed away like stale Prozac. A series of protracted interviews over a period of time are made to assess the suitability of the candidate. Someone who�s determined to die will in all probability have been feeling this way for a long period of time. They will have weighed up the pros and cons of a continued life on this plane against the Unknown Quantity, and decided to take, as Indiana Jones sidekick says in Temple Of Doom, the path of �The Great Adventure�.

Of course, these interviews are going to have to be strict. No mere moping Split-up-with-my-Girlfriend-Teenager-Blues here. More a case of Terminal-Breast-Cancer, Bankrupt-After-Divorce, AIDS-Diagnosis extinction level events, where life seems irredeemably, unceasingly unable to improve in any way, or where the possibility of (always inevitable) death is brought forward in an accelerated manner.

No room either for vain aesthetes who�d like to depart the world at 27 with their best work behind them in order to maintain the myth of their Art. Never grow Old. Forever Young. Just like the Lost Boys. Except your new life probably won�t involve being a vampire, flying around cliffs and caverns, and starring the fallen angel Kiefer Sutherland.

You don�t tend to see people commit suicide over the age of say, 65, unless they�ve been diagnosed with a vile, incurable illness. So no oldies either.

Of course, certain criteria need to be met. The knowledge of the possibility of a life without return. The chance of descending to the umpteenth level of Hell as Dante foretold. A convincing exposition as to why their departure from the mortal coil should be considered. A thorough understanding of the mortal consequences of such actions, an exploration of the nature of man, the nature of death, their post-life beliefs (after all, those who believe that by killing themselves they will enter some form of Satanic Boy Scout Club should be automatically ruled out). There will, of course, be some desperate fakers who will convince this series of bizarre and exhaustive psychometric tests through their indispoutable evil genius and slip through the net, but as in anything, this should reasonably be looked at as having made all best efforts.

THE KILLING ROOMS

Following this, and of course, subject to the satisfaction of various terms required by law to ensure it�s a valid suicide of sound mind, its onto the Killing Rooms. Choose your method of departure! Shall it.,.. the Suicide Injection? Electric Chair? Noose? Or violent crushing death by the Big Hammer? What would Sir prefer as his final exit?

Of course, hopefully this will dissuade the pansies, the part-timers, and the morbidly depressed from their exit. Especially as photographs of previous, possibly satisfied customers can be included to sway any borderline decision. Choose life if you can.

The current system doesn�t work. Psychiatric bills for the incurable are huge. And we all know that the NHS is crippled by huge costs, trying to keep people alive who don�t want to be alive.

After all, its not as the fact that suicide is illegal is going to stop someone. After all, by the time they decided to depart the merely physical plane, the issue of legality is hardly going to persuade someone. It just makes life difficult and causes unnecessary difficulty.

You can�t watch over someone 24 hours a day. If they want to die, they will find a way. Be it bootlaces in police cells, or graceful leaps into the unknown from the Severn Bridge spanning Wales and England.

It�s your body. It�s your business. And if you don�t want it anymore, it should be your right to choose in a capitalist democracy. Choose Life. Choose Choice. Or not, if you want. Whatever you like, you pay your money, you take your choice. If you must die, its better to go with Dignity. What do you want? Do you want your last pale breath to slowly slip through your translucent veins in the final stages of a debilitating, cruel, incurable illness� or do you want to go to Carousel? Maybe you�ll be renewed.

Dignity is the cornerstone of human existence and unalienable right. In Life. And In Death.

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