THE MOANING MILLIONAIRE ROCK STARS....

Of course, if they didn�t quite know what it was that made them great, there�s no way they can know when it�s gone. But every rock star loses it at some point � from the greatest name to the smallest, each loses the plot and does something so appalling out of step with their previous works that there is no doubt whatsoever that they�ve lost it so completely that there is no certainty that they can ever get it back. Unless you get out before you go crap, and I�ve never known anyone do that.

In soap terms, quitting whilst your ahead is known as Jumping The Shark. I have no idea where the phrase comes from, but I know what it means, sort of. It means quitting before you go crap. Not even Syd Barrett did that (as anyone whose heard anyone the Syd Barrett box set can tell you). The first major sign of rock stars losing the plot is when they turn from credible artists (or useless boyband muppets) and start complaining about how awful it is being a Rock Star.

Because no one cares. Do you hear me Mr Rock Star? No One Cares. Yes, it is hard work, travelling the world, singing and playing guitar, eating in the finest restaurants, bedding the finest women Rock, or Rap, or Soul, or whatever can offer, and getting paid to do the thing you�ve always wanted to do.

Sure, there is some jealousy. For those who get up every morning and spend eight or nine hours in an office, a rock star moaning about his life really gets no truck from us. Work two hours a day? Gross earnings of thousands and thousands a day? Sorry, oh my, and boo-hoo. See, I thought gross earning of thousands a year was hard. Not thousands a day.

So what, ultimately, if you can�t release the songs you want, precisely the way you want them? Gee. You can�t always get what you want. Get used to it. Or I�ll have you washing dishes faster than you can say dropped-after-your-crap-moaning-rock-star-second-album. You�ll change your mind pretty quick, I�m sure.

And so, when I hear Craig David moaning in his latest single about �losing his integrity� I absolutely danced with joy. Firstly, Craigy Boy, you never had any integrity. The only thing that was integral about you was which day of the week you did which thing with which one of your millions of �birds�. That�s all you�ll ever be known for, is being Mr. Loverman. Your artistic integrity lives in the toilet next to the soiled condom.

You�ve got to have integrity first for you to lose it.

Secondly, Mr David, you cannot protest your integrity by stealing someone else�s song and bleating over the top of it. I know you got Sting on Top Of The Pops with you, but Sting has the integrity of soup, thinks you should Let Your Soul Be Your Pilot, and is getting almost all of your royalties. So much for integrity.

So Whinging Rock Stars, go back to bedding beautiful women, staying in the best hotels, snorting enormous amounts of money up your noses, and just shut the fuck up. We don�t care about your bleating whinges about your record companies, and if you want to have any integrity, just remember that the people who buy your records work for a living, so don�t insult us by telling us how awful it is being Young, Famous And Rich.

Of course, if you think you�ve got it hard, there�s a chair next to my desk and a 9-5 day job you can borrow, anytime you like, and I�ll swop it with you for your limo, your Rock Chix, and your artistic integrity anytime. Deal?

Hmm. I didn�t think you�d take up the offer. Wonder why?