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KIDNAPPED BY THE GOVERNMENT

David Blunkett’s latest comic wonder is so epic in scope, so gargantuan in its conceit, it should almost be something out of a film. Some kind of weird, bizarre, Terry Gilliamesque fantasy.

But what is El Corrupto the bearded wonder doing? Oh. Well, he’s only charging people for their stays in prison. Not just anyone normal. Oh no. He’s charging the innocent.

That’s right. Say you’ve been wrong accused of a crime you didn’t commit, like the A-Team or something. Say you’ve then gone and been arrested. Say you’ve spent your time in interrogation being tortured. (Of course, this doesn’t happen in British prisons, ok?). Say that they call you an Irish Fenian bastard. Say that they tell you they know where you live, and your family, and that unless you tell them exactly what they want to hear, they’ll find your wife and daughter, and make their lives a living hell.

Nice, eh? I haven’t even mentioned the beatings or anything yet. Ok, so lets fast forward. Say you spend twenty years in prison. For something you didn’t do.

Ok. Then you get released. You take the British Government to court for unlawful imprisonment. Or, in layman’s terms, “Kidnapping”, because that’s exactly what it is. You get a nice cash settlement.

Well. It’s not nice really. Compared to spending twenty years in prison for the crime of being Irish and being stitched up by the corrupt West Midlands Constabulary, its fuck all. Compared to twenty years in prison, being threatened, spat at, abused, beaten up, vilified in public, separated from your family and being kidnapped by her Majesty’s Government its fuck all.

But there’s more to it than that. After that, the Government take you to court. (again) And why?

Oh, well, you see, whilst you were in clink, being a Warders bitch you were living hoghigh and free on the finest food and lodging Her Majesty’s Government could offer. So what are the kind and tender Government trying to do?

Oh, they’re only trying to charge you the going rate for bed and board and your living expenses whilst you were in there.

The. Fucking. Cunts.

I can’t believe that. It’s like, I don’t know, charging someone for torturing them. Just like in Brazil. You remember, you go to the dentist, you pay the dentist. And you end up being tortured by the dentist, and paying for the privilege. Its not that far removed from being charged for your bed and board whilst you’ve been kidnapped by the government.

Tell you what? How’s this sound, Captain Blunkett? If you kidnap someone and falsely imprison them, you pay them every penny they could’ve earnt whilst they were in prison. So let’s say, I dunno, you kidnap a 27 year old Irish bloke. You mistake him for a terrorist, send him to Guantenamo Bay, make him wear nothing but an orange Jumpsuit and kick him every once in a while. Just to make sure. Fine. Release him, maybe 30 years later. So whatever he was earning when he was 27 (lets say, I dunno, £30,000, lets multiply that by 30, add on inflation at a minimum of 2.5% Per Annum, and a bit of promotions and stuff so he’ll be earning say £55,000 at the end of it), lets extrapolate that and pay him What He Could’ve Earnt. In layman’s terms : Lots and Lots of money.

But you won’t get that, will you? Let alone anything to do with emotional distress.

So, Mr Blunkett, be warned. We’re watching. And You’re an Accountant of Misery. The problem is, we’re keeping a running total. We know your sins. You will reap your just rewards. Come the time, we will invoice you for your sins. And they will be paid in full.

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