The Domestic Terrorist - Beyond Lust : Platonic Friends

BEYOND LUST

THE PURE MOTIVE

The love that dare not speak its name is the oldest cliche in the book. Except these days, its been usurped. By the love that dare not shed its underwear. Between two people who never share underwear.

Between friends who can call upon each other, whenever, irrespective of sex, yet never have the equation upset by the physical act. I�m not advocating an abstention from sex. But I�ve found that my platonic friends have never abused their position, and my lovers always have. And I�m fairly sure that rule applies to the majority of us.

There�s something pure about a platonic friendship. In a sexual relationship, the word �friend� disappears. You become people who have relations, not people who are friends. Your lovers are not always your friends. We always learn this the hard way.

Is it possible to have a friend of an opposite sex that you don�t have sex with? Well. Sometimes yes. Sometimes no. It depends on what type of person you are.

ARE ALL WOMEN EVIL?

The very concept of a platonic friendship is alien to some people. Some people think the only reason I�m talking to a woman is because I want to fuck her. How dull. How base. How very predictable. There is a lot more to a person than the shape of their body parts.

Thinking like that tends to reveal the prejudices of others and not yourself. After all, most people like to think that other people think like them, and that their own point of view is the only one that�s accurate. I certainly do, but I understand a world full of people like me would be somewhat fractious occasionally. But not quite as bad as a world run by the Accidental President, Bush Jr.

Nonetheless, there are some men whom, when they talk to women, don�t tend to look them in the eye. You know the kind of people I�m talking about. People like your Dad. People with eyes that wander for the ladies, but only certain parts of them. The kind of people who go to wine bars to meet ladies. The kind of men for whom a girl is good for only thing, and if she�s not interested in that, she isn�t worth knowing. Of course, all this thinking comes from a chronic insecurity and a desire for the dog to bury its bone. Or, in less prosaic terms, a rampant search for someone, anyone to pair off with.

What are they scared of? Waking up alone every day? Rejection? Aren�t they secure enough in themselves not to need the approval of others?

WHITE MALE PATTERN INSECURITY

While Male pattern insecurity is linked to something, but I�m not quite sure what it is. A partner in life is undoubtedly important, but by no means the be-all and end-all of human existence. It is important, to have a direction, to have a partner, someone with whom you can share experiences and ideas. And hopefully a lot of fun.

But there�s a lot more to life than trying to find someone to fuck. There are people who don�t do anything but that, but they�re missing out. The reduction of people to factors as limited, and limiting, as the shape of their genitals is a blatant form of sexist discrimination. Women are more than bodies to hold, holes to poke, and tits to suck. And men are lots more than packages in pants, the cars they drive, and wallets to drain.

But in the drunken haze of a Saturday night sometimes it can seem that getting and finding a boy, girl, fish or small rock of your own is the most important thing in the world. And sometimes it is the most important thing in the world. Like waking up alone on Sunday mornings and thinking, no, knowing that that is the best part of the day. And its not that great.

Having platonic friends though is great. By platonic, I don�t mean, there being no sexual spark between you and a friend of the sex that you�re attracted to. After all, gay men can have friendships with other men (gay or not) that have no sexual involvement at all. I�ve got many female friends, and we get on very well, but there�s nothing practically sexual in that at all.

FOUR CORNERS OF THE WORLD

There�s many different types of people in the world, but mainly these are broken down into four parts

a) people you don�t like or don�t know
b) people you don�t like or don�t know but will do the dirty with
c) people you do like
d) people you do like and want to get jiggy with
Of course most people come under a), far too many (even if it turns out only to be a few) under b), quite a few under c), and an unknown quantity under d).

See, that means that there are two permutations of two types of people. But we�re not here to talk about all those. I�m interested in discussing the issue of the platonic friend. The friend with whom you connect with deeply and spiritually but have never felt the need to corrupt with sex. Not that sex is corrupting, but sex works only in terms of certain types of relationships, and whilst in any friendship there needs to be the element of spark, of friction, of fire, in a friendship there also needs to be the glue, the area where personalities meet under a common purpose, a sense of meeting someone on the same wavelength, someone with a similar set of approaches, ideas, living in a similar mental zone.

In a sexual relationship, you don�t necessarily need this. You don�t need to know their name, their age, the name of their childhood pet. You just need passion and privacy.

With a platonic friend, a person is defined not by their sex, but sex is a part of their personality. In a sexual relationship, first and foremost they�re a man or woman who happens to be someone you know. And in a platonic relationship, vice versa. Sex is a part of them, but it is not them. They�re someone who happens to be a man or a woman, and not the other way round.

BEYOND LOVE

The benefits of platonic friendship are huge. You can go to the pub or the cinema with the most attractive woman in town and know that you don�t have to deal with them fretting over their toenails or their hair the next morning. And when they meet a partner, well, that�s their role to play. You get the benefits (bar the sex) without the messy rows. You lose an aspect of the friendship, but that�s not the point, is it?

High maintenance women (and there are some, I�ve never understood why they are high maintenance - because despite other opinions, I don�t think I am actually but there you go) can be great as platonic friends : since they make no romantic demands upon you, the over-riding cynicism of someone whose been hurt by love is absent. They make demands upon you, you make demands upon them, and never shall the messy business of the Rug Shuffle come into the equation. You can ring them late at night when no-one else is answering the phone and psychobabble your brain out if that�s what you have to do, and vice versa. (But don�t do it too often).

Its kind of like having a brother or a sister, and knowing that you can you still stalk the town for attractive young things, yet being able at all times to bounce your ideas off a man or woman in moments of uncertainty. And there are many of those. For example issues such as would she like these flowers? or I�m thinking of taking him to see a John Woo film.... questions which you may not know the answer for, rapidly become solved by running them by someone who shares a similar set of genitals and is able to see a perspective shaped by that experience.

OVER THE BORDER

If you�re single and have a platonic friend, do try not to overestimate the bond between you two. Sometimes relationships work fine, as long as you know that women love you only you for your mind, and vice versa. Don�t try to shag them. It�s embarassing and - if you�ve been greasing the wheels of sobriety - quite easy to do.

I did it once, about ten years ago. And whilst we�ve been friends since, we both know we crossed a line. You can�t back to the way it was. You can�t pretend you don�t know what happens in bed anymore. A curtain was lifted into an area you�d never really considered before. And whilst you can sow it up, you can still see the tear.

The relationship we had was always one in which our genders existed, but not the sex. It�s strange kissing one of your best friends from the first time after you�ve known them for years. It wasn�t unpleasant... but it was weird. Too late to change your mind, but not too late to know better.

It in fact was one of the most unusual experiences I ever had. I wouldn�t however recommend it to anyone.

YOUR BEST FRIENDS PENIS

You have to look at these factors. And whilst yes, the factor of their sex has to be taken into account it is not a defining factor. You wouldn�t want to wander around naked in front of any of your friends, even the platonic ones, for example. Have you imagined what your best friends vagina looks like? Or his penis? (urgh). The human imagination does have limits. That�s something no one should ever consider. So a sense of discretion is a vital part, but by no means a defining factor.

Whenever you need a shoulder to cry on, an ear to rant to, someone who always is there when you need them, that�s when you know you�ve got a friend. Of course, you do have to return the favour and be there for them as well. But that�s fine. It�s all about give and take. Relationships fail, couples break up. But when was the last time you actually had a blazing row with a friend of yours?

You can come to your friends anytime you need. It�s beautiful. And they can do the same. It�s what it�s all about.

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