“A LIFE CUT IN HALF”
a memoir.
Mark Reed.
January 2001.

Note: This is the complete text for "A Life Cut In Half" in its 7,000 word glory. Ideally it should be read as a whole, in one sitting. So make a cup of tea and get ready for some self-examination. Nobody said it was going to be easy. Or fun.

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“The Big Big Love”

I’m looking for the big big love
anywhere it can be found
in side streets alleyways underpants
and black boxes of disco sound
in her face. her eyes.
for a tolerable partner parasite
and a kiss that hopes

I’m looking for the big big love
at the bottom of every glass
for the human touch
as the dancing ends at last
for a two o clock princess
and a two o clock prince

I’m looking for the big big love
it feels like I always will

28-04-00

“A Life Cut In Half”

It started with green
glitter wrapped in your hair
four years and ten days ago

sat alone as your friends
danced into the future
and
I still walked slowly
heart racing to you
to sit and talk
and hoped that
strangers could be lovers.

I hoped I had found my forever.

01-01-01

“Where Two Souls Meet”

Let me worship you
let me protect you
and we can join where
the two souls meet
let me harbour you
from those things that are true
and you can do the same for me

21-12-00

“Widescreen Romance”

A glance and a smile
make it all worthwhile
the tilt of your hair in
the light of Friday evening
working undercover
my motives underground
to make you my lover
to bring your defences down
a shy wonder
a hidden sign
I lean forward to steal a taste from your lips
to make you mine.

The first kiss of new lovers
the frost and winder mildew
everything else blocked out of view
with our widescreen romance

25-07-00 and 04-10-00

“First Kiss of New Lovers”

It’s all I ever wanted.
It’s all I ever dreamed.
And now that’s happened,
it’s made my heart leap
I don’t want to destroy this
I don’t want to fuck up
for my heart beats
to a romantic dream

The alcohol gave us strength
to do a stupid thing
the flower opened,
if only for a second

I dream of
finding the perfect poem
finding those few elusive words
that will break your heart
the way you broke (into) mine
and change you to loving me

30-06-00

“Love Conquers Everything”

We could find new colours
new countries
change the way we think
change everything
we could evolve
our souls could grow wings
you and me together
feel like pioneers
everyone has felt like this before
we could last forever
far beyond death
discover a new world
with every breath
love conquers everything
from the rage of the young
to the sigh of a lover
capitalism is evil
but it sort of provides
we build a makeshift castle
move onto realistic dreams
we conquer our own world
look at what we’ve achieved
love tames all
love conquers everything.

27-06-00

“Anniversary”

You never understood the danger of your beauty
that every man wished to possess
to be in the vicinity of
to passively accept,

I feared the danger of your beauty
the dew back poison spines
the tender trap you set
the sharpest predator with a beautiful coat
holds the strongest poison

21-11-00

“Don’t Let Go”

You’ve got those eyes,
and that hair
I can’t believe you could ever care
a smile that shines
brighter than the sun
you are the one.

14-08-96

“Always”

You know I love you
not for a day or a week
or a lifetime but always

You won’t always come first
Self-preservation is the golden rule
for if one of us left
there would be no us

You know I love you
and I can’t always be there
but I will try. Always.

You know I love you
not for a lifetime or an eternity
but forever. Always.

03-03-00

“And Then She Smiled”

From the moment you and I
became a we, an us,
I had a different life
from the time before love
no better or worse
Just loveless, of course
a human machine
moving from day to daydream
surviving, breathing,
existing without meaning
as souls meet and kiss
and we evolve to something else
there’s a sense of wonder
in you and I together
like child hiding under the duvet
our time, before regret,
was a valley of flowers

25-12-00

“To Bring You My Love”

To bring you my love
I never delivered flowers
as if it was never enough
for me to devote every hour
of the rest of my life
to us.

02-01-01

“Teenager In Love”

I can remember everything
you’ve ever worn
or said in my presence
catalogued
it’s one of the constants
that kept me together.

I feel like a teenager in love
following you around
and stuff,
stalking you from a hundred yards
writing down number plates of parked cars

I don’t mean you any harm.

23-02-00

”The Meaning”

I love you
not in the way of flowers
or knights in shining armour

I want to show you
everything in my heart
will you still love me

when I admit my failures
the infidelities I made
will you still love me

when I hold you in these
overdrawn arms and ask for ever
will you still love me?

22-02-00

“Yet Another Poem About Girls”

I know
I am just a boy and
you are just a girl and
all of us are merely
specks of dust
on the face of this world
but this, it matters,
with your body
a perfect machine
with fingers and
legs and lips of dreams
and I bow before
your infinite beauty
at just twenty one
in a photograph
with a cap and a gown
you
you are truly
the queen of this town
but this it matters
and I long to hold you again
I long to whisper your name and
I long to kiss your soul and
I long for us to be together on the face of the world.

16-02-00

“Blakemores”

On January 11th
we met again
and walked through the winter
to warmth.

Sat upon concrete and
rain spat in our faces
eating greased chips
at sub zero temperatures

The cold was as if
steel had penetrated our bodies
Your hair sat uncomfortably
abused by the breeze

I thought of our future
I feared you would not be in it.

04-01-01

“This Is The Park”

This is the park,
where we first kissed eight years ago
every year we return
watch the stars follow the night sky

it was so cold there
but I wanted love to last forever
so much trust in your smile

This is where we first met
this is where we kissed
this is the place I want to forget
this is the place I miss

18-07-99

”Inheritance”

You wish you could’ve met my mother
So do I
For only you could ever make Spaghetti Bolognase
like she could
Sat in the freezer
in a Tupperware coffins
my mothers food lay
with cooking instructions
for each day the hospital rang
to tell her
the operation was no longer delayed

You wish you could’ve met my mother
In many ways you did
every morning
every day
every time
I see you
I see her in you.

07-12-99

“Flowers By The Road”

We saw the flowers by the road
on our honeymoon
we knew what it meant
and hoped that
in the midst of death came life

as a man dies in an ambulance
at a holiday resort
lovers remembers
and hope to forget

30-01-00

“Winter”

On the way home
We stopped,
I wrote our names in the snow
and made the international gesture of the heart
between us
in frost on a car window

it meant we would last forever.

25-11-97 / 01-01-01

“In The Quiet Moment”

In the quiet moments of love
where silence speaks
a gesture, a touch
is all souls need
as a clock unceasingly races
through slumber to dawn
a sliver of light upon a face
our first born

The moments I feel most alive
I am often unconscious
asleep at your side
these quiet moments, precious
what some crave
must now be treasured
the glory of love
is two sided.

9-10-99

“Rain”

In April
Butterflies and stupid faces.

It’s easier in the darkness
you can’t see my face
especially as I poke my tongue out
just before we kiss

Talking in bed
so naturally and yet
falling asleep before
a sentence is done

Love is all these things
more and less
talking in cliches
nor waiting for second best

Two hands hold each others
love could be the word
used to describe interdependence
Parasites?

Not what anyone who has loved would say.

16-01-99

 “Summer”

Today I wore a suit for you
to make our love real
wore the uniform of a drone
to heal the scars time reveals

I woke earlier than the sun
to work and to earn
because we two are one
when we lie together at night

It’s summer again
sunshine in the rain
hope in the darkness
I just can’t find it

I put it down somewhere
just looked away
it wasn’t that I didn’t care
Just living got in the way.

02-06-00

”For You”

You always held happiness
in your hand. Some magic you wove,
not to crush it, but to let it breathe
and not to let our love go

We walked down the concrete
convinced that this world was ours
the we merely chose not to
take it away from the rest of the world,

Your fingers were the most beautiful,
tiny universes and your smile
faded in time but was carefree
like our child in your eyes

The time you showed me
pink diamonds from Australia
for a marriage we never had
and now Pinky sits on a strange finger

When we spoke all night long
huddled under blankets
whilst a drunk slept on our front door
and the toilet flooded

I knew this was love
But love lives forever
or does it only have a
finite span

can a dead love live in memory
inside the mind of a dead man
the times of kissing are no more
the Jewel in our hearts

will not fade in time
the way I remember you in one word,
a smile.

27-11-99

“I Thought I Had My Forever”

I know it’s over
no more drunken binges
one night stands
vomiting on concrete floors
and innocent holding hands
a ring upon your index finger
a love that can never die
there weren’t many drunken nights
even fewer lucky nights
unless I act stupid now
the notches won’t grow
I’m so lucky to have you
I could never leave
I will always love you
I believe

25-02-98

“Another Life”

A family photograph
on a table
by a television
four people:

of whom I recognise three
myself : the architect
and two children
but that woman who stands next to me

smiling, it could have been
her whose name I dare not speak
or her who I have forgotten
from a drunken night

when I was someone else
if you hadn’t accepted me
1.43 am on a Sunday

One of whom myself,
the one for who I take
full responsibility
I could have saved you

from all these things
if I hadn’t been
so selfish, and instead
asked you please. Don’t marry me.

So in another life
we never met
and the face in the photograph
was that of someone you never met

So in another life,
on August 21st, instead of being with you
I was swimming and there was a baby crying on a beach
and a love dying at sea.

27-11-99

“The Animal Novel”

At dusk as the water lapped at my feet
I said to my wife -
this is all I’ll ever want

let us fight some other time
each hour of ours is precious
and as rare as you are

let us kiss and talk now
let us fight some other time.

24-04-98

 “Hocus Pocus”

You wanted a hamster
Not just any hamster. It had to be him.
as seen on Television’s Pet Rescue
with the floppy ears you so loved.

You bounced into the room
I returned from work
wearing the weight of the world
you held me like a jewel

Declared that we would be a family

In some ways, I thought, maybe
it could put us back together
Channel 4 never called.
You left. I fell apart.

You never got Hocus Pocus
You got everything else you wanted.
Achieve your dreams.
You can get everything you want.

If you don’t count the cost.

21-12-00

“Clear”

This is the news I waited for
four minutes until we know
the course of lives in the balance
if it turns from red to blue
I knew you were going to leave anyway
It’s a secret I kept from myself

Now the bookshelves rearranged
the text books on music have gone
it’s poor fiction or poetry
alphabetically ordered, I live on
somehow I will survive
It is what we are programmed to do

There isn’t any other option left
One day becomes the next
I look to the future
It’s the only option that’s left.

06-02-00

“Marie Celeste”

I thought the house was on fire.
You left in an instant
coffee cups unwashed
tea bags unmoved in the cupboard

I could never understand
what was there to understand?
and overnight
my life became the Marie Celeste

our home, became a house
our love, a memory
whilst everything sat in the same old place
everything sat neglected

even now as I pack my hopes
in small plastic boxes for
my new home
I wished for what we once held

in the meantime
your ornaments were left
abandoned candle holders
tampons bereft

I could not bear to archive
every inch of our palace
to remove every trace
of your existence

I moved out,
someone else moved in,
and left your things
for the binmen

It came too quick,
for one day
you reached the brink
and I reached alone
for without a reason
for you to give
you turned to others
to force me to ‘force’ you to leave

you confided in others
what should’ve been confided in me
I knew of no problems
everybody called us The Perfect Couple

you spent time with others
time you should’ve spent with me
you turned us from lovers
to undeclared enemies

whispered phone calls
whilst I worked
the ruin of three years
of love when I returned

early. I knew something was wrong
you would not let me talk to
whoever was on the other end
of the telephone

Was it the man you’d never met
the ghost from the Internet
to whom you ruined us
I was pushed

to the limit of reason
and when I became frustrated
you chose my reaction
as the reason

the next day you were gone
you forced me to this
as if we’d never been in love
I made mistakes

but none as big as creating an us
your parents packed your possessions
and gave you the parental home
I studied bills

budgeted that I could heat one room
eat once daily
there was no parental home
and only one income to fund

the roof over my head
I was restrained
and it did not make sense
for you to take our beauty away

so I was abandoned,
whilst you lived in pretence
I was never part of your life
I sat in the chair you used

ate from the same plates
slept on the same side of the same bed
where we made love
and I left each morning for work

It killed me to go to work
whilst the woman I waited
all my life to meet
waited at home for me

and then you left
I sat alone
my hopes and dreams fell
to pieces

I could not believe
in what did not make sense
just like a man to try to compute this
into reason and science

I used to feel like a superhero
who could conquer the world
I lost my everything
and I can’t even conquer the memory of a girl.

05-01-00

“Daddy’s Girl”

They say
when a relationship dies
its akin to bereavement
but it isn’t. It’s worse.

For death,
there’s a corpse
a post mortem
a certificate bearing a reason

and when someone dies
I knew they wanted to stay
but when you left
I knew its was your wish.

02-01-01

“Mr. Perfect”

You bought me
Mr. Perfect socks
for Christmas

within five weeks
I was nobody
‘s Mr. Perfect

I miss you.
14-02-00

“Simplicity”

I miss simple things
your family and I
Two parents.
Three daughters.
Three lovers.

Playing pool at Christmas
in smoked backstreets
and an old motorcycle
mounted on the wall
like a butterfly

I miss your hands
and smiling at each other
whispered moments in kitchens
and sleeping in haunted houses
where no one could sleep.

04-01-01

“Faces”

I saw you at
the Underground Station,
in your denim jacket
showing your latest shoes

to your sister
as I got closer
I could see your hair
Just perfect so

and walked closer
but the nearer I got
you disappeared
and become just another face

in the crowd -
just another stranger
just weeks after you went away.

05-11-99

“Free”

I’m free
to do whatever I please
the one place I want to go
is where I cannot be

I’m free
to do anything I want to do
the one thing I want to do
I just can’t do

I’m free
to sleep with whoever I choose
but the one thing I can’t do
is sleep with you.,

I’m free
because if you love somebody
you set them free
because you left me

30-06-96

“Changes”

If only I could say something
and be the wittiest man
at your events
have a million inspired witteries
that would leave you feeling
utterly charmed

If you fell in love
with who I once was
why change me
you’ll love me no more
and you’ll just say
I’ve changed
and not be the person
you fell in love with.

I loved my princess
with sparkle in her hair

29-11-98

“Five Rooms”

In these five rooms
are all that I own
since you have moved out
it is no longer a home
it is where I sleep
on unlucky weekends
it is where I am awake
and miss my friend.

07-02-00

“You’re The One”

You’re the one
I want to hold in the darkest midnight
whose smile makes my heart speed
whose hips are a perfect fit
who can make mornings beautiful
who can leave souls bursting full
who can change the way we’re living
who can make dreams true
who can take my fears and
give their power to you
who can break my spirit
mortgaged to the fist
who I could have loved until the end of time
who I wish I’d never made mine

10-04-00

“About You”

You left me feeling
a million different things
fresh with a beautiful glow
broken with the fist of truth
when I look at those features
I’m haunted by the feelings
with or without you
I don’t know the way I feel
or what I should do
about you.

29-03-00

“The Fear”

No one should fear
what they cannot feel
or see or touch

but I fear

the knock on the door
from the six men in suits
coming to take my possessions away

How can we believe in
something that cannot be felt
or seen or touched

How can we have faith
in a silent saviour
that never breathes

How can we believe in Love?
If we don’t believe in God?

24-04-00

“Tragedy A”

Float around like a beautiful angel
from Tragedy A to Tragedy B to Tragedy C
like a contestant on a game show
lurching from scenario to scenario
does not compute.
does not make sense.

They say if you love somebody
set them free
I can’t love you as much as
you said you loved me
I was released
from the most beautiful prison
there could be
you obviously wanted freedom
and poisoned everything,

my love.

22-09-00

“Something Beautiful”

Trust is a weapon
a weakness to be used
you took my everything
painted the skies blue
I don’t need hate in my life
you took something beautiful
made it something cruel.

Slowly manoeuvred us
to the opposite of love
the seed of seperation
because you couldn’t be honest
a coward abused love
you took something beautiful
and made it something cruel.

02-07-00

“Fatherhood”

Your tiny fingers
betray the beauty within
every simple thing
beauty of cars
flowers and guns
mankind rose above
the apes with a vision
beyond the mountain
beyond the cave
he built God and Love.

The vision remains
one of the most beautiful things
that there is
so limited
people as slaves, houses as cells
replace the caveman collective
slaves with toys
the first kiss of new lovers
beauty in every movement
my child I made,
with the hands of lovers,
who once were strangers.

The child you claimed
I would never know of
silently adopted
by the death of your love.

22-10-00

“For Our Children”

I can try to hide my feeling
but I can only fail
like everything else
everybody hides from some truth
and I can try to fake a kiss
but I can only fail

My life was a fraud
even our love is a bore
we’re committed to this place
so lets stick together
with second rate glue
for better. for worse. for you.

I thought I’d found my forever
so lets stick together
for the sake of the kids
let them remember their parents
falling to pieces.

28-09-00

“Private Lives”

I can’t believe I’m doing this
Soft scented letters and e-mailed jokes
Wrapped in quietly desperate envelopes

Scanning the rows of ads for single dads
and it seems a wedlock child is an exception
the dream of love is my protection.

Someone’s dad
hopelessly mismatched
through a contact ad

too insecure
to stand on my own two feet
I need someone to tell me I exist.

01-09-00

“Loss”

It doesn’t mean anything
It’s just fucking
I can’t make love anymore
it doesn’t work anymore
I can’t even come for you
when am I going to learn
making love is just
two parasites feeding off each other
It’s been devalued
downgraded to a leisure activity
sportfuckingv I can’t trust again
the most important thing there is
and it doesn’t mean anything
I need to find something
some new way forward
some new faith to build in my life

05-07-00

“Love and Revenge”

This isn’t us making love
It’s revenge.

It’s too late to change your mind
and you’ve changed your mind
and decided
I want you, you wanted to

But it’s the wrong thing to do
and it’s too late to escape
our fate
I’m not sure either

It’s too soon
It’s too late
unseen by those thoughtless eyes
it is revenge undone

it isn’t love
it’s a mistake
and the one who should see us
isn’t here and
doesn’t care anyway

you’ve got your life
I’ve got mine
and what could he give you
that isn’t in my star sign?

This isn’t what you want
not really me
just to shove someone’s face
the fact you are part of a ‘we’.

This isn’t us making love
It’s revenge.

24-04-00

“Risk”

Sleep evades us
a bed haunted without trust
ravens circled my dreams
and we grasped for a warm feeling

we, to each other
lying together
hoping for postcard dreams
of glossy magazines
fucked away the loneliness

in thin streams upon your skin

couldn’t fool the deep inside
though bodies could reach
within each other
souls could not touch
or communicate

so I see her
want to move that hair aside
lean over and
taste those lips again

you say that I’m a lightweight
that this chance is a crashed plane
that I’ve never loved
and that I’ll never feel love
I’ll never kiss those lips again.

02-08-00

“A Hope”

Sleep. Sleep with me, I knew it wouldn’t be forever, but your hidden beauty, curled in dreams, your glasses on the table, your fingers in mine, feet on the summer grass, listening to the CD, a perfect time, just a few short weeks, but it’s all I’ve ever know, I’m so tired of fucking around, I just want to curl into you and dream a dream together, through the darkness to the dawn, you will live forever, and you can laugh at this, but there’s a part of my heart that will always love you.

17-11-97

“Without Meaning”

picture the future
the fingers of love
the toes so tiny
microscope painted

each vein a miracle
each heart beat
a new life
your nail varnish removed
exposed
your body so pure

arms so tiny
my fingers can circle your wrist
but it is just a shell
when bodies meet
when two become one

then one must be left outside
or absorbed or
two pretending to be one
each lost inside a fantasy world

it’s a beautiful thing
two bodies as one
fingers clenching in love
meaning something
chasing a feeling

that’s never come
never enough
clutching at dreams
chasing hopes

some deep communication
a recognition of interests
fear of loneliness
this could be love
and someone without
someone isn’t anyone
at all and
making love without
love is nothing

it’s a beautiful thing
but it doesn’t mean a thing
just two strangers sharing loneliness
meaningless beautiful thing

this isn’t me
just my body
this isn’t my life
but a crucified effigy

your bitten nails
in my palms
the love we break
the chance I took

immaturity ruined me.

bad sex and night buses
can’t help me escape from you
I run to the world
but I can’t forget

your arms
try as I might
I can’t forget
your eyes.

I’ve made bigger mistakes than you
and you made a mistake in me
I can try to wear a bulletproof vest
but you always get in somehow
find my weak spots
and penetrate there.

She said
I don’t think you’ve ever been love
when I’d leap in front of a bullet for the one I love
the scars on my bulletproof heart
give no more in trust

I’ve been torn apart
and self-esteem replaced with lust to
totter up, reinforce, my self-belief,
I want to give you the world, and you know I do.

But you’ve been there and
done me,
and that’s no good for you.

04-07-00

“Six Years”

Six years today
you cocked your head and said
take it, lets go home

Six years today
we undressed on the stairs
regardless of who was home

Six years today
I kissed you for the first time
our flesh pressed

Six years today
we forgot who we were
and came together

Six years today
your leather jacket discarded
and we softly harder

Six years today
we lay until dawn
and never saw each other again

A continent apart
you’ve probably forgotten
a glimpse of heaven

26-11-97

”She Said”

I am mute, unable to defend myself.
I had my reasons you know.

Yeah?
Well they never made sense to you, let alone anyone else.

You’ve always been a liar

and for the first time I’m lying now
I don’t miss you baby
I don’t crave your touch
I don’t miss anything about you
I don’t miss making

I’ve tried to be honest with you
lies are a cancer
no laser can burn away

It’s about time
you tried the facts on for size
my life has been shaved
and poured in to a suit and tie

I convinced myself
you loved me
with an epidemic of
the worst poetry known to man.

01-01-01

“The Brave Face”

The love that dare not
show its face
puts on a brave face
and stays a friend
not to upset you
or drive you away

a friend who respects
loves from a distance
and wants what is best
who lips want to feel yours
whose soul wants to touch
who knows it can never be

and never reveals
the feelings inside
and who never grows
the feelings inside
and so may not be a true friend
for a secret is something to hide

eyes dilated
you weren’t really there
you put your head
against my chest
I stroked your soft hair
you said

all I really really want is
a tall good looking rich man

I am not that man.

02-05-00

”Life Long Love”

You said one night
under low lighting in living rooms
that you’d never
go with a former lover again

but you did
for they could reach
some part of you
hidden forever from me

I knew before you said
you said one night
and I feel envy

16-03-00

“Final Play”

My friend, she came
I waited for you in this room
an auditorium
silently a handful waited to
see the flower unfold
I curled into you
to live glories past
and run from the truth

The lights went out
I went down
the final act, I to
regain the love taken away
as a matter of fact, you
to regain the feeling of love
that you took away

every lover makes a mistake
I learnt so much from
pin me a badge, Mark The Great,
destroyed by the feeling
that possessed us
estranged and so that night
we walked out of each others lives

the crowd silently applaud
you for the strength to withdraw
as if I never mattered
and I for the tragedy of falling
on cruelty’s sword.

28-11-00

“Trust”

Trust is a lie
knowing you will be hurt
Trust is letting someone
let you down,

Trust; 5 letter word
Sounds like L***
easy to be hurt
a break in concentration

5 letter word
16 down
“Maybe easily mistaken for
A Pension Fund” (cryptic)

Pen slips on a page
Train goes on.

16-01-99

“The Vision”

Ladies and Gentlemen,
I present to you
My vision.
Every person has
a vision
that guides them
Pure as the fury of the justified -
A beacon in the midnight.

True lovers. United in each other.
Pure. Fighting and winning against everything.
All The Odds.

I can’t stand the thought of you naked
sleeping in someone else’s arms.
This is my vision

20-09-00

“True Love Waits”

No feeling quite like it
When lips meet
Where fear ends and
love begins
She says she’s in love

To covet another mans woman
is a terrible thing
to love those arms wrapped around
another naked soul is
destroying

Don’t let go.
Don’t lose your hope.
True love waits.
It will get you in the end.

15-09-00

“A Vision : 2”

I thought of you last night
wrapped inside those arms
eyes closed inside
the dreams sleep shared
I am crucified
your soul brushed another
I can’t sleep alone

you said you felt
unwanted and unloved
the decisions that you made
ruined some ordinary lives
to rebuild your self esteem
even though you were missed
by the man who wanted your children

a broken self-image
shattered in the mirror
there are no reasons at all
from destroying a flower inside
I want to disappear
without courage
instead I live in fear.

9-10-00

“In Your Arms”

I only want to be in one place
it’s not here
I want to be in your soft arms
I’d never felt a love so pure
so true as you.

I know the difference between
love and sex
but I don’t know
what to do next.

13-11-00

“Chemistry”

Yeah we’ll be okay.
Everything will be alright.
The power of positive thinking.
Love that sleeps in the night.
Keeps the people quiet.
A hand to hold in this storm.
The dream of love is the saviour -
too hard to make on our own.

I never studied this at school
I know what it is.
There’s Chemistry between us.
A potent force for those who feel it.
Our hands are tied.
Mortgages and baggage tied down our hearts.
The flower blossoms for a few seconds,
it gestated for years.

You love him.
I could love you.
I can’t like him.
He’s got you.
I want you to be happy.
Do it for me.
I want to see my friends smiling.
They’d want the same for me.

15-09-00

“Until Death Us Do Part”

You always sat there
watching television
and a big smile upon my return

One day I came home early
tears into the telephone
secrets kept hidden
all sort of fell out

You never sit there
you’re at someone else’s home
You’re waiting now
are you ready to be heartbroken?

One day he came home from work
tears into his shoulder
cancer was making a feast of you
soon you would be a part from him.

18-11-00

“A Forgotten Age”

As we kissed I tried not to think
somewhere within you lay death

sleeping in your heart
or benign within your breast
somewhere within you lay death

As I stroked your hair
Looked into your eyes
with hope for the future unknown

I tried to guess where it may be
curling within your veins
with each beautiful heartbeat

As I sat next to you
both of us oblivious to
I felt it within me too

As we kissed I tried not to think
of such things I tried to imagine
the faces of our potential children

Whilst cancer slept in you
and hypothermia chilled me
We kissed in a forgotten age
and felt young again.

13-02-00

“Our Last Kiss Goodbye”

You returned to collect what was left
With her in the car downstairs
Your shredded clothes.
Your CD’s with microwave coating.

Then you could tell I loved you
Then you could tell I cared
If we cannot be lovers, your logic reasoned,
we cannot be friends.

The look on your face
At our last kiss goodbye
I’ll treasure beyond the day I die.
Fuck you.

15-09-00

“Figurehead”

Here I am
a figurehead of your suffering
the face that
each wince bears
how dare you
take this beauty away
I know the hopes
that you keep in your dreams
as you sleep
as time fades
what breathed becomes
a memory
a funeral
you will always live
even if we live in memories
because nothing lasts forever
not even nothing

04-12-00

“The One Thing All Men Want”

This is my castle
my corner of the world
outside it’s a beautiful day
in this castle built for two
Junkie Towers
has such an amazing view
from the twenty seventh floor

She said all men are the same
they’re only after one thing
it’s not what you think
I want to give The One my everything
a share in the rest of my life
A beautiful future
living as man and wife.

Somewhere in the world
there’s the right one for you
somewhere on this earth
there’s the right one for me
but its not you
It’s not us.

28-08-00

“Commitment”

I knew
it couldn’t be forever
a gilt edged card on the floor
with a promise of heaven
a new address and
a new way of life
a new name for a new you
with a new identity
a three bedroomed castle
in a terrace by the sea
on a combined salary

I think of your fingers
I think of your soul
arched at midnight
when we were one
the clock is ticking down
I know what you mean
it’s the age to do
the right thing for you
your finger in a ring
I’m happy for you
and love is when you care
more for someone else than
yourself so I guess that
I must still love you

Like a fool

I never went off you,
you didn’t change
love untrue but
all the same
it could’ve been glorious
but it was not to be

what will be will be
the strength of destiny
I can see why he loves you
but no regrets when I say
“I Do”.

13-06-00

“Confidant”

I wish I was up there
with you in hymen white
Instead of him
I won’t make a scene
I won’t forget
Because I still love you.

04-08-00

“The Happiest Days Of Our Lives”

A photograph on the mantelpiece
in a property in another country
a hand that held, clenched
places it precisely
in a new life for love

The new life has been chosen
smiling on a sunny day
your hair over your face
the white veil of joy
hangs proudly in the cupboard

The happiest days of our lives
perfect in every way except
you are someone else’s wife
and I am someone else’s lover
we were once lovers.

Now we are strangers.

30-12-00

“Remembrance Day”

There’s too many dirty memories
where you stood and where we laughed
and that is the door where
you left forever at 9.41am on Friday Febraury 4th 2000.

The last few days
sadness feel randomly
rain in street
to leave our house
was the funeral of it all
that we could’ve made
you erased my name
removed from history
turn back
live a lie

No one ever managed to
penetrate my defences like you
Your lips are a weapon;
I tried not to but
I crumbled in your arms

The strongest army brought crashing
I defer to you
love is all you need
if your lover tells the truth
You dirtied my memories

in the eyes of a stranger
I saw a future lover
In the eyes of a stranger
I saw the burning embers
of a dead love

28-11-00

“We”

We, who will never be lovers
We, who will never kiss
We, who will not make mistakes
We, who will never trust
We, who will never hold hands
We, who will never walk together in the park
We, who will never speak our desires
We, who will not look into our eyes
We, who will not be honest friends
We, who will always have something to hide
We, who will not be friends
We, who will never speak
We, who will be strangers to each other,
again.

It kills me to see you
smiling in the arms of love.

08-06-00

“Epilogue”

Everyone I loved
always goes away in the end
Even you
my beautiful friend
once we were lovers
once we were the best
I wish we had never met

I thought I had my forever
only to be let go
once we were together
now we are alone
so much for promises
they taste of lies
you’ve forgotten whatever you said
once upon a time

You’re just like everyone else.
You’ll never change.

19-07-00

“Nothing But Love”

You were my princess
and the star in my night
I was very very lucky
and I always will be
for being yours
for having our memories

I will send you nothing but love
love for the future
I will send you nothing but joy
happiness for the future
for love
for marriage
for ever

True Love never dies
but what is True, cannot tell a lie.
Consider this the final sentence
on the last page

Whatever you choose
may nothing but happiness come to you.
But don’t expect me to
forgive you

08-04-99

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