The Domestic Terrorist - Die Another Day

James Bond - Die Another Day

Oh look. It’s a James Bond film. Go On. Look!

Aren’t you lucky you can spend your hardearned consumer dollars on films like this? You’re so privileged to live in a world where we make your entertainment and do your thinking for you. Here’s some explosions. Here’s some guns. Here’s facelifts galore. Here’s some absurd ice palace. Here’s a pointless sword fight that brought open mocking laughter in the cinema. Here’s loads of obviously signposted plot twists and turns. Here’s a cameo from Madonna proving that she couldn’t even reach the levels of acting required in porn. Here’s acting more wooden than a forest.

Here’s a plot that doesn’t make sense – don’t think about it, just enjoy the nonsensical ride. Here’s an invisible car. Go on, gawp at that. Don’t think about how astonishingly stupid that is. Here’s a secret agent working renegade working outside the law like the A-Team yet covertly supported by his Unit. "Hang on, don’t they normally track down renegade agents and kill them?" Look, I told you to stop thinking.

Here’s some dated Matrix-style camerawork. Here’s some lame slow-motion effects. Here’s Moneypenny getting it on with Bond and breaking one of the sacred rules of 40 years of film. Here’s some blatant attempts to add some class by giving cameo appearances to gadgets from other films. Here’s a nice pair of tits on a sword-welding secret agent. Look at those. Go on. Bet you want them. Tough. Because the rule is if you sleep with Bond you normally die. Especially if you're one of those non-caucasian expendable baddie types who needs subtitles.

Jesus. What is it? What do you want? You want films that make sense? You want films that don’t look like a 12-year-old let loose on the script and a bunch of meaningless pubescent fights and sex-drivel? You don’t want blatant and cheap CGI? You don’t want Die Another Day then.

The script-writers said that they start each film by thinking about what they want the Bond character to do and explore in the film and build a plot around that. Obviously they sat down and said “We want The Matrix meets James Bond with a plot flimsier than Agent Frost’s knickers, no characterisation, laughable gadgets, a complete lack of imagination and to make film that’s a disgrace even to Octopussy.”

This film even makes Austin Powers 2 look serious by comparison.

Someone please put this franchise either back where it belongs or out of it’s misery. I don’t expect you to talk, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die. And not another day. Today.

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