FEAR OF A BLUE CHEESE PLANET
FEAR OF A BLUE CHEESE PLANET
Too many people think I’m grumpy. Or old. Or a curmudgeon. I’m not any one of those things, but all three. A grumpy old curmudgeon. Or perhaps, more accurately, there is an aspect of my personality that is just a slightly grumpy old man with a low bullshit ratio.
Remember that quaint phrase “does not suffer fools gladly”? They often use it at funerals. What they really mean is “Grumpy, rude, old, curmudgeon”. In fact, were it not for the fact that I am so darn polite I too might be so blunt. Often I straddle the abyss between being polite and nice and saying what I really want to say.
Therefore, some people who come to my website think of me in the rudest terms. They can’t see beyond a very literal, shallow interpretation of everything that I write : they can’t see subtexts, they can’t see anything but what they perceive to be the message, writ high in neon lights.
They probably think that “I’m not in love” by 10CC is about someone who isn’t in love.
Sophistication? Irony? Oh, why bother.
People see only what they want to see. They create an image of you that they can then pidgeonhole into a certain behavioural trait, box you in. So I’m just a grumpy old man. (True, if 30 counts as old. It feels it sometimes).
Be wary of those pidgeonholes, because in pidgeonholes you find pidgeonshit.
But recently, something has really really got to me. Something odd. Something you might not even think could annoy people. Well it annoys Mr. Angry here. Wanna guess what it is?
Blue cheese.
LUCIFERS LUNCHBOX
I fucking hate the thought of eating it. The smell of it. The taste of it. What stupid, stupid man ever discovered blue cheese? And what exactly did they go through before they decided blue cheese was a good idea?
What else did they do? Eat mouldy bread first? Spit it out and vomit, and decide that hey, whilst Blue Bread is not a good idea, let cheese go blue and eat it? What other foods did they try? Green oranges? Furry grapes? Maggoted meat? Dammit.
Blue cheese is rotten. You’re eating something that’s rotting, a corpse in your mouth.
Here’s a hint. There’s not one, NOT ONE, food group that is naturally blue. Not one.
In 2001:A SPACE ODYESSY, the aliens decided to acclimatise Astronaut Bowman by presenting him with fake food. The food was blue. He knew he was living somewhere strange and odd. And that the food was false.
There has never, will never, could never be a food that’s healthy in blue. I want you to know this.
Sure, natural foods come in blue. Old, rancid food. Food covered in mould, algae, bacteria. Food lumped with live, nucleon sized, miniscule lifeforms that aren’t even aware that they are alive.
Sure, mould, bacteria, cancer, they’re all natural. Doesn’t make it good. Mankind can make a better tomato. Right now. Trust me.
Lets not muck around here. Blue cheese is the work of the devil : those who eat it are in league with Lucifer. You’re eating mould and bacteria and something that’s alive. You’re a pervert and a sicko and you probably eat your own bogies. Urgh
Blue Cheese. Damn weirdos. Take your weird sicko commie Blue Cheese and go back to Russia. Hippies. Mould-eaters. Perverts. Goodbye, and good riddance. Take your blue cheese with you and never darken our doors again!.
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