AS LONG AS FALSE METAL EXISTS

In the midst of all this apocalypse, its difficult to see how anything else could matter. But plenty does.

A while ago, in another life � but only a few weeks past � I saw a photograph of David Beckham wearing a t-shirt for The Cult. You know, them. An eighties goth band that became a laughable parody of US metal rock-pigs and imploded in a fistfight on stage in South America in 1995.

I don�t understand it. Why would David Beckham wear a t-shirt for The Cult? Has he even heard them? Does he understand the electric shock to the gut that comes with that first colossal drumbeat that ushes in �She Sells Sanctuary�? The sheer joy of the splay-legged rock riffage of �Fire Woman�, the greatest love song ever written to a car?

I doubt it. Anyone with an ounce of understanding of exactly how good The Cult are would never marry someone who was once in the Spice Girls. It is not of course, entirely irrelevant that the T-Shirt he sported was for The Cult�s �Electric� album : universally, and rightly, regarded as their worst album : a lumped rehash of old AC-DC riffs and clumsy lyrics about being a Wolfchild.

If he�d heard any Cult albums he most definitely would�ve tried to track down the none-more-metal shilouette logo that adorned the cover of the godlike �Sonic Temple� album. And any metal fan worth their salt knows that �Piece Of Mind� is Maidens worst album � even worse than the Blaze Bayley years - and that the Cults �Electric� is just a bit shit, but spawned their best song : �Zap City�, (being the b-side of �Lil� Devil�).

I doubt Beckham�s even heard of Blaze Bayley. Or even Lemmy. Let alone that what everyone regards as Motorheads �classic� line-up never actually made a record.

All that talentless gopher does is wander through life trying to be cool and spending money. You can buy everything � except class and taste.

FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK.�

Now, its not that I don�t know how ridiculous and stupid Metal can be. That�s part of the fun. Doing something that is ridiculous, knowing it is ridiculous � and stupid � and getting a kick out of sincerely utterly believing in it at the same time is the incessant charm of metal. I grew up a metalhead. And I can�t say that it�s turned me into a babykilling Satanist yet.

Let us not forget that a few years ago, Next were selling skinnyfit t-shirts for Motorhead to fourteen year old girls. Girls who � if they�d actually heard Motorhead � would never even dream of wearing that stitching. I doubt they�d even understand that Motorheads vital creed �that�s the way I like it baby, I don�t want to live forever� comes from �Ace Of Spades� which is by no means their best song. (For the record, Motorheads best song is �Killed By Death�). And don't forget the joker...

The thing that truly upsets me, that insults me, is the appropriation of the icons of the minority as cool, ironic statements upon their taste. The Cult and Motorhead are not fads to adopted. You can�t listen to Motorheads �We Are The Road Crew� with anything approaching an ironic detachment.

This culture, our childhood, is not some shallow fad for them to steal, use, look �cool� with for a few weeks, and then dispose of when they discover George Romero movies. This stuff isn�t some crappy trend. It�s our lives. We didn�t listen to them when they told us that this stuff wasn�t cool, and we don�t listen to them now. All we listen to is the healing, hurting power of rock.

As long as false metal exists, there will be heathens who adopt the symbols without understanding the creed. Death to False Metal. Real men play on ten - and not on the pitch. For About To Rock We Salute You. HAIL!