Blade,
I wanted to let you know first about my new-found homosexual tendencies. I crave a schlong in my cheek. I need my tight little biker-butt crammed with cock...and I think you are just the guy to do it. Do me until my mustache wilts, skinny boy...
Ride 'em Cowboy,
Cody

Blade,
I've heard that spooge works much the same as Minoxidil, as far as hair growth is concerned. Unfortunately, my chronic impotence prevents me from using my own in a vain attempt to get furry...so, how about you, Tiny Mike, and Les come (no pun intended) on over and have a follically-prompted circle-jerk on my dome?
Waiting to inhale,
Tommy

Blade,
Me need dick now. NOW SKINNY BITCH!!!!
Cody

Now that I am leaving, I wish to proclaim my lust for you. I long for your touch, your caress...your lemon splooge'. I crave your powerful sex tool, Ike.
Yours on demand (command me!),
Jenni-Bob

Now that I am 30, I NEED COCK. HELP ME!!!!!!
Wendy

Ike,
How I have lain awake at night, recalling our wind-swept romance of two summers ago. My feverish mind races to the times we spent making love in the cool darkness of that seaside cave we called our "fuck palace." I remember feeling apprehensive before first laying eyes on your manhood...and then collapsing into fits of laughter when its puny presence was finally revealed.

How I wish those times would return! How I long to unpack my jeweler's glass and examine your microscopic meat once again! Please, oh please, my love, return to my bosom! Our child will need you! It will never believe me when I tell it that yes, indeed, such a wittle wee-wee was capable of producing seed potent enough to father a bundle of joy.

I will remain here, beneath the magnolia tree, and await your return. My ears long for the day when they hear your little tee-tee a-flappin' as you run to me.
Passionately yours,
Jane Doe

Tiny Mike,
If you weren't so gay, I'd rub my big bazooms all over your pointed little head. If I can find your tee-tee, will you let me play with it? I want to stick 12 pairs of shoes up your ass and hang you on a coathook. Then I'll throw fruit at you and tie a bag of marbles to your dick.
Sound like fun?
Cheri

"Jack",
How I long to verify those rumors of your studmuffliness...to feel the mighty power of your schlong between my cheeks (whichever ones you choose). And baby, don't worry...once I go black, I'll never need to go back.
Smooches,
Ike

IF ANYONE NEEDS A WARM, LOOSE SPHINCTER TO GET THEIR MORNING STARTED, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO DROP BY THE NEWSROOM AND CORNHOLE ME.
NATHAN

To Everyone,
I can't thank you all enough for stopping by in ones, twos, and sometimes threes to ram my sloppy sphincter with your man-tools. Tommy, Ike, Cody, Les, Bob, Dave...I know I've left some of you out, but I hope you'll forgive me since I was able to leave so many of you IN!

The pounding in my grateful heart is second only to the pounding you gave my aching anus. You've made this girl's weekend, and when I'm squatting on cucumbers Saturday, please know that each of you will be in my thoughts.
Toodles,
Nathan

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