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posted 9:03 am on 4/7/06 by Jeff Tinker

It's Been Too Long

It has been far too long since I have written in this space.  I am watching the Detroit Pistons dismantle the Miami Heat right now (There is 9:57 left in the 4th quarter and Miami is trailing 74-64) so I have plenty to say.

Shaquille O'Neal has been my favorite athlete for a very long time.  I remember watching him lead his troops in Los Angeles.  The Lakers teams from 2000-2002 were perhaps the most finely tuned machine that ever graced the hardwood.  Every player on the team knew their role.  In fact, everyone's role was very similar: "If the back of your jersey does not say O'Neal or Bryant, you should not shoot the ball unless you are wide open.  Open shots are encouraged.  But if you are defended, do not shoot the ball.  In fact, don't waste anytime dribbling the ball either.  Instead, reverse the ball to other side of the court, allow Shaq to re-post, and allow one of your teammates to pass the ball to him from the wing."  This was a simple formula.  Shaq led the team in field goal attempts and scoring, and the Lakers won three straight championships.  Then, there were two seasons in which Kobe Bryant led the Lakers in field goal attempts and scoring.  The Lakers did not win championships during those seasons.  Shaq then moved to Miami, and Dwyane Wade (the league's new darling) led the team in field goal attempts and scoring.  Miami lost to the Pistons in last year's Eastern Conference Finals.  Shaq's line in Game 7: 12-19 from the field for 27 points.  The greatest man that ever lived, Tim Duncan, also scored 27 points in defeating the Detroit Pistons in a Game 7 last year.  Do you know how many shots Duncan got in that game?  Guess?  27!  Duncan was 10 for 27 from the field!  Those are horrific shooting numbers, but his team still won!  Do you know why?  Because when you start your offense 5 feet from the basket, good things happen!  This is not rocket science.  Could someone please explain to me why Pat Riley does not see this?

I understand that Shaq is older now, and he is not quite the player he once was, but he is still very dominant.  And even though he commits more fouls now than ever, and does not move around the court as well as he once did, opposing teams can still be punished inside because there is not a player in the league that can guard him.  Shaq will pick up fouls because opposing players flop (By the way, I expected more from Ben Wallace.  I know he has been exposed as a fradulent defensive player of the year, but what is with all the flopping?  Vlade Divac flopped.  The Ben Wallace I know shouldn't be flopping.) but the referees will not call everything.  The Heat should be very deliberate at the offensive end of the floor.  If they worked the ball inside to Shaq when they play Detroit, Ben and Rasheed Wallace would both be in early foul trouble, and the Pistons offense would look much more tame without them.

Dwyane Wade is a fantastic player, but he cannot carry a team by himself.  Right now, he is taking far too many shots and Miami is suffering as a result.  When great teams have made Shaq the center piece of their offense, they have won championships.  When great teams have let him simply become just another player on the court (the past three seasons), they have lost championships.  Against teams like Detroit and New Jersey, Wade would be far better served letting Shaq carry the load offensively, and saving his energy for defending the likes of Vince Carter and Chauncey Billups (By the way, you're any idiot if you don't vote for Kobe Bryant for MVP.  Having said that, my vote goes to Chauncey Billups.  No one is better in crunch time!).  Isn't it shocking that Shaq does not have a single game this year in which he has attempted 30 shots?  If you could pick one guy in the NBA to take 30 shots for you in a single game, wouldn't it be Shaq?  In fact, I would be willing to bet that Shaq could take 25 or 30 shots in the first 3 quarters, and his team would then have no problem spreading the floor in the 4th quarter and giving Wade room to drive to the rim.  But, no one cares what I have to say, especially Pat Riley.  So this will fall on deaf ears.

Detroit just defeated Miami 95-82.  Shaq made 12 of 18 field goal attempts and scored 28 points.  Does that line sound familiar to anyone?  Wade played well.  He shot 11 of 22 and scored 29 points.  But Miami will not beat Detroit playing backcourt versus backcourt.  Miami's edge is in the frontcourt.  Tonight, Shaq's teammats shot 21 for 58.  Can I be any clearer?  Shaq needs the ball; and not just when Miami is down 6 points with 2 minutes left.  He needs the ball every possession for the entire first quarter.  If the Heat establish Shaq in the paint, they can beat anybody.  The question is, "Will they?"

Miami could defeat the Pistons in the playoffs, but they won't.  In fact, I am not sure Miami will get past the New Jersey Nets in round 2 (Each of those teams is 3-1 against Miami this year).  I would love to see Shaq win one more championship ring before he rides off into the sunset, but he will have to be satisfied with the three he already has.  Miami will never win a championship as long as Wade is the featured player in their offense.  And unfortunately, they won't be featuring Shaq anytime soon.  These days, he's just another cog in the machine.

 

posted 8:37 am on 3/10/06 by Jeff Tinker

I've Never Felt So Ashamed

Last night, I stood in my room packing my gym bag and preparing to go play basketball with some co-workers. I had a lot of thoughts running through my head. I am normally an extremely positive person, but recently, a lot of little things have been making me quite negative. I had to stay late at work the past few nights, and work has been kind of a drag recently, so I certainly did not want to be there longer than needed. One of my friends has mentioned to me several times in the past few weeks that they weren't getting along with another friend, and I have ended up squarely in the middle of it. Wednesday night, I had some bad luck at the card table and left with a "the world is against me" mentality. None of these things are huge issues. Work will get better. My friends are great. I love them, and they will find a way to co-exist. Poker success will always come and go. Still, I find that once in awhile I get down on myself, hang my head when I walk down the street, and ask myself why things seem so difficult. As I picked up my bag and walked out the front door of my apartment building, all of these little things kept circling through my mind. "Where am I going with my career? Should I even be here? Why am I always the one who compromises? Why the hell can't pocket Queens ever hold up for me?" I got about 20 yards down the street before realizing that I had nothing to complain about.

As I passed a row of parked cars, a man stepped out from between two of them. He was probably my age, maybe a little younger, and he was wearing a nice winter jacket and a pair of jeans. I glanced at his face, and saw tears streaming down his cheeks. His lips were quivering and he looked at me with shame in his eyes and mumbled a question.  I did not hear what he said, but there was no question he was in distress, so I stopped dead in my tracks.

"Excuse me, Sir. What did you say?", I asked.

He responded with another question: "Do you know your way around here?"

"Yes, pretty well," I replied.

He looked at his shoes, held back his sobs, and asked me one more question: "I'm living with my Dad now, and he's been drinking again. Is there anywhere around here I can go and get away for a couple of days?"

I was shocked. I had never been in a situation like this before. It was one of those weird moments where time stands still. It was one of those moments where I knew I would be relaying the story later and no one would believe me. It seemed surreal. I paused for what seemed like an eternity, but it was probably only for a few seconds. I could not imagine what it must feel like to be terrified of returning to your own home.

One response finally found its way to my lips: "Sir, if you need help, you should go to the police station. There is a police station a few blocks away. Make your next left, walk straight for 3 blocks and you will see it. Go there, and someone will help you."

The stranger finally made eye contact again, said "Thank you", and walked off into the night. I walked to the corner, turned around and watched him make a left-hand turn. I still couldn't believe what had just happened. From the moment the man began to speak, I felt ashamed. Initially, I thought I was feeling ashamed for him. What can be worse than showing your vulnerability in front of a complete stranger, and realizing that your situation has gotten so bad that your only hope is to ask some random person on the street if they can help you?  I cannot think of anything worse. While I do not know this man's story, I can guess that his drunk father had been abusing him, or threatening him, or worse. And in addition to dealing with an abusive parent, he had to face the fact that in his darkest hour, the only person he could turn to was me. He deserved better.

If I had been in my normal jovial mood, this incident still would have shaken me, but not in the same way it did last night. After I realized that I had just witnessed a person who was truly dealing with problems, I went back to the thoughts that were swirli> ng through my head just seconds before he walked into my life. I was overcome with shame. This time, the shame I felt was within myself. I was legitimately depressed because of problems that were not even real problems. Everyone has bad days. They will pass. How fortunate am I, that my worst day cannot compare to the torture that others experience on a daily basis.

I am still ashamed as I sit in my apartment right now.  My friends and I have our share of negativity. When a team we wager on does not perform as expected, or when our social activities do not turn out to be the best nights of our lives, we are quick to put on a sad face and hang our heads. I guess it took a desperate man to show me how lucky I truly was. Even when I think the world is against me, and the dealer in the sky is throwing me rags, I am actually staring at pocket Aces. I don't know about those around me, but today, I am going to smile. I am going to smile because I am employed, I have a family that loves me, and I have friends that care about me.

I will probably never run into that stranger again, but I hope I do. I have no idea if the police, or anyone else, was able to help him. But I do know that he helped me. It is quite ironic that our conversation ended with him thanking me. I am the one who should have been thanking him.

 

posted 2:12 pm on 3/8/06 by Jeff Tinker

I Will Always Remember Kirby

I was sad to hear of the passing of Kirby Puckett yesterday.  Kirby will always have a special place in my sports fan heart.  I have a feeling that anyone who was lucky enough to watch major sporting events with their father probably remembers the first world series games that they saw.  For me, the first world series I remember was the 1991 Fall Classic between the Minnesota Twins and the Atlanta Braves.

If you are going to give someone an introduction to the World Series, showing them tapes of the 1991 series would not be a bad idea.  What a series!  After Minnesota won the first two games on their home field, Atlanta won games 3, 4 and 5 at Fulton County Stadium, setting up Kirby's famous pre-game speech at the Metrodome before Game 6.  "Guys, I have an announcement to make.  I am putting you on my back tonight."  Kirby did not disappoint.  Puckett finished Game 6 with 4 hits and 3 RBIs, including a game-winning walk-off home run. To this day, I do not remember the announcer's name, but I remember the call: "Deep left center!  We'll see ya tomorrow night!"  Oh, by the way, before that home run, Puckett made a leaping catch in center field to save an extra base hit in a tie game.

Everyone knows what happened next.  Jack Morris threw a 10-inning complete game shutout that is arguably the best Game 7 performance in World Series history.  It was a pretty great first world series for a young fan to be watching!  Plus, Chili Davis played in that series, and at age 9, I was pretty impressed that someone would actually be named "Chili".

Since his playing days ended, there has been lots of evidence to suggest that Kirby might not have been the smiling angel that baseball thought he was.  To me, that doesn't really matter.  I feel like he is partially responsible for molding me into the sports fan that I am today.  After seeing his heroics in that first World Series, I knew what I would be watching every October.  Thank you, Kirby.  I will be forever grateful.

 

posted 8:49 am on 3/1/06 by Jeff Tinker

American Baseball Classic

With the World Baseball Classic just a few days away, I have something to get off my chest.  I think the World Baseball Classic is a great idea.  I think it is a nice way to start the exhibition season and give baseball fans a chance to see players from all over the globe compete against our major league talent.  And I also believe that OUR major league players should all play on the same team.  The fact of the matter is that we are not even sure (just 2 days from the start of competition) if certain major league all-stars will be playing at all.  But the fact that the preliminary rosters had names like Vladimir Guerrero, David Ortiz, Manny Ramirez and Pedro Martinez playing for the Dominican Republic is an absolute joke.  It is a complete and total joke.

The athletes that play in major league baseball are American.  They are American because they earn their livelihood in this country.  In fact, I would argue that the men listed above should be even happier with the United States than I am.  These guys get paid millions of dollars per year to play baseball.  Even those who play for the Toronto Blue Jays can thank the United States and its organizations for providing them with opulent lifestyles.  If the Dominican Republic is such a great country, then why does Manny live in Boston?  I love "Manny being Manny", and few players are as exciting to watch as David Ortiz, but these guys are frauds.  For these athletes to boast about representing their homelands and representing all the wonderful culture that comes with carrying the Dominican flag is pure nonsense.  If their Dominican heritage was so important to them, why are they living in the United States?  They aren't immersed in Dominican culture.  They are immersed in the Boston nightlife!

I don't want to solely criticize Manny and Ortiz.  They are among the high profile players who so proudly jumped at the chance to play for their "home country", so they were the natural example, but there are others.  Andruw Jones cannot wait to play for Curacao.  I can't blame him.  Andruw was born in Curacaos, and by age 18, he was earning a living; by playing baseball in AMERICA!  Alex Rodriguez had a difficult time deciding what country to play for, but ultimately decided to play for the U.S.  Alex, wake up!  You grew up in Miami!  You have played baseball in America your entire life!  Playing for the Dominican team should not even cross your mind.

Most people will probably read this and think, "Oh, this is just another ethnocentric, white male spouting off."  Well, you know what?  Lots of people feel the same way I do, but they are too afraid to say it.  The same argument could be made for the entire National Hockey League.  Those athletes love spewing forth accents that remind us they are from Eastern Europe, or Canada.  It is great to show our love for Mother Russia, except for pay days.  Canada, a nation that lives and dies for hockey, could not support a professional league the same way that the United States has.  Finland does not pay for the million dollar plots of land on Jupiter Island.  America pays for that!

Vladimir Guerrero, the poster boy for hypocrisy, has refused to "openly embrace the English language."  Last I checked, Vladimir does not get paid in pesos.  If I owned the Angels, I would make sure that he understood that.  If life in Latin America is so great, I think Pedro Martinez and his entourage should go there.  They have professional baseball in the Dominican Republic.  They pay the players too.  Just not as well as the league in America.

So go ahead.  Enjoy the World Baseball Classic for the next few weeks.  Enjoy watching players from the Far East compete against our major leaguers.  Enjoy watching the small nations of the world get a chance to play spoiler.  Enjoy watching David Ortiz hit home runs for the Dominican Republic.  But remember: without America and its multi-billion dollar professional baseball league, we would have no idea who David Ortiz is.  I am not sure if anyone else will realize how ironic it will be when he rounds the bases and high-fives his Dominican teammates.  Without America, Big Papi would not be playing for the Dominican Republic this week.  Whether these athletes are willing to acknowledge it or not, they are American.  In fact, the most ironic part is that they live the American Dream to its fullest extent.

I am a capitalist through and through, so I don't mind that these athletes make millions on American soil.  But don't lie to me.  Don't tell me you represent Latin American culture, while you count stacks of American dollars.  Don't tell me that you can't wait to play for a country where you don't live.  Don't tell me you are not American.

 

posted 12:07 pm on 2/28/06 by Jeff Tinker

Oh, Doctor

David, tremendous entry today.  I agree: Right up until the moment Travis said , "But..." I thought Moana had it locked up.  I guess the constant crying proved to be too much for Travis.  The biggest upset, in my mind, is not that Sarah was selected over Moana, it is that Sarah was selected out of the entire field!  Our good Doctor really was concerned with personality and connection first, and physical appearance second.  It takes a strong man to send home models and actresses, but Travis was equal to the task.  I don't really have much else to say regarding The Bachelor.  I don't see Travis and Sarah staying together, but who knows?  Once a man starts shunning free food and drink, nothing else he does will surprise me.

Thank God for March Madness!  The Bachelor was a great way to finish February, but we need some real excitement now.  I am sure the next several weeks will be filled with tournament predictions, but I will start by saying this.  Do you remember the 2000 Final Four?  Mateen Cleaves and the Flintstones led Michigan State to a national title that year.  What most people forget is the cast of clown squads that made it to the elite eight and final four that year.  One regional final featured Purdue versus Wisconsin.  The first one to 50 won that game.  Then, Wisconsin played Michigan State in the national semi-final.  Is 54-41 a high scoring game?  Michigan State polishing off Florida in the final game was little more than a formality.  That Florida squad had depth and athleticism, but they play the same way all of Billy Donovan's teams do: Pressure defense that creates lots of open shots for the opposition and a free-flowing offense that is usually only effective against teams with less physical talent.  Why do I mention this dismal 2000 tournament?  Because I believe we are going to get a carbon copy of that tournament this year.

UConn is far and away the most talented team, just as Michigan State was in 2000.  And even with Rudy Gay only playing every 4th possession, I still think they will cut down the nets.  But just like the 2000 season, the teams that follow UConn represent a big drop-off in talent.  As for the 3 teams that will join them on the final weekend, it is anyone's guess.  I truly believe the final four will consist of UConn and 3 other middle of the pack teams who happen to get hot at the right time (UCLA, Tennessee, West Virginia, or any team ranked 10-50 would not surprise me here).  I do not see Duke making the final four.  Championship teams historically have solid point guard play.  Paulus has disappeared in every big game so far this year (But did everyone see Coach K console him at the end of the Georgetown loss?  That is why Michael K is a leader of men.  Not just a basketball coach, but a leader who happens to coach basketball.  Unfortunately, all the butt slapping in the world does not make you play better.).  Also, you have to make a defensive stand at some point, if you want to win the tourney.  Redick is a great shooter and dominates the game offensively, but lots of guys get past him off the dribble.  The same goes for the mayor of Syracuse.  Sean Dockery and DeMarcus Nelson play solid defense, but God hesitates to play them for long stretches because their offensive decision-making often produces more charges than made field goals.  This Duke team won't be playing in April.  Their defense is not up to snuff.  Of the other powerhouses, Memphis and Villanova could go deep, but I think they are primed for early exits as well, with spotty defense and questionable shot selection.  Every team will have to endure a cold shooting night, and only the ones who can get stops on the defensive end will advance.

Soon, we will see it all unfold.  But remember what you heard here.  Don't be surprised if Wisconsin and Florida are waiting for UConn on the season's final weekend.

 

posted 10:30 am on 2/27/06 by Jeff Tinker

Being Geoff Ogilvy

On this website, I often spend a fair amount of time discussing the fabulous lives of America's most famous professional athletes.  All of my discussions center around the same things: Being athletically gifted, being really, really, really rich, and being married to a smokin' hot female.  Obviously, I am a very shallow individual.  I will continue to be shallow in today's analysis.

This entry actually began to materialize during the 2003 PGA Championship at Oak Hill.  Dave Mandel, Todd Garvey and I arrived at Oak Hill at 5am on Thursday morning.  Having recently eaten lumberjack slams at Denny's, we were ready to walk the course and watch the world's best players.  What we did not count on seeing was the bevy of hot babes that follow these gentlemen during each round.  Obviously, we were very impressed by Elin Nordegren and Amy Mickelson (we were fortunate enough to stand about 10 feet from each of them), but we left Oak Hill with a pretty surprising discovery that day.  Geoff Ogilvy is living right!

Not surprisingly, it was quite easy to follow Ogilvy's group.  Every spectator on the course was chasing Tiger.  There were only 4 people following Geoff Ogilvy: the three of us, and America's hottest babe.  At the time, we did not know who she was, but we figured that she was Geoff's girlfriend.  This Barbie doll was wearing the textbook "golfer's hot girlfriend" outfit: black visor with black shades, extra small white tank top (with white camisole underneath for extra support), tight khaki shorts and sandals.  From the encouraging cheers she offered Geoff, we could only guess that the two were connected in some way, and since Ogilvy is not the handsomest of men (and she was running about a 14 on the stint meter), we could not really assume they were related.  So, we left the course that day believing that Geoff Ogilvy had pulled the biggest upset since Weber State knocked North Carolina out of the Big Dance.  He was dating the hottest girl on the planet.

Yesterday, the fine folks at ABC (as if they hadn't already done enough by producing the Bachelor) gave me a chance to confirm my beliefs about Geoff Ogilvy.  As Ogilvy methodically dismantled Davis Love during the second 18 holes of the Accenture Match Play Championship, ABC took a few moments to interview Geoff's wife.  "Alright!", I thought to myself.  I had been saying all week that Ogilvy couldn't possibly win a big tournament if he was still shacking up with that babe.  I was beginning to believe that they must have broken up.  What else would explain his sudden improvement?  Now, I would finally get to see if I was right.  I was expecting the cameras to find a lesser female now wearing the tag of Mrs. Geoff Ogilvy.  How wrong I was.  The babe we saw in Rochester was indeed still with this tall, lanky, goofy Australian man.  Juli is her name.  She looked just as wonderful as she did the first day I saw her, and she was wearing the exact same outfit.  Thank God for snug-fitting camisoles.  Juli could not stop smiling.  She went on and on about how wonderful Geoff was, and how the world could now see what a tremendous golfer he is.

Hats off, Geoff.  Despite the fact that you are a native of Australia, you are living the American dream.  You married an American beauty and you make millions of dollars per year playing golf.  And to top it all off, no one knows who you are!  You can walk into any restaurant or movie theatre on the planet and no one will bother you.  Being a rich pro athlete, who is married to a model, and still able to fly under the radar is a rare combination.  Now, Geoff even has a signature win to put on his resume.  I doubt there will be tons of tour victories alongside this one, but it doesn't matter.  When I update my "Top Ten People I Would Trade Places With" List, Geoff will be on it!  In my eyes, he has been immortalized.

If Miller High Life is looking for commercial ideas, they should think about using Mr. Ogilvy.  Geoff is living right.

 

posted 11:22 am on 2/23/06 by Jeff Tinker

A Time To Reflect

In the past several days, weird things have happened.  I will now discuss them.

---Bode Miller has been riding one wild roller coaster during the past week.  First, he finishes 5th in the downhill, then he gets DQ'd in the combined event, then he hits a gate and decides to not finish the Giant Slalom, and then he finishes 6th in the Super G.  To top things off, he injures his ankle playing basketball a few days before the Slalom (his fifth and final event).  I am going to say two things to Mr. Miller.  First, he has proven to be a better person than I originally thought.  As he stated before the Games began, he is not concerned with winning (his performance has indicated that).  But he has been very gracious in defeat.  Bode has not made one single excuse.  Most athletes cannot wait to blame their equipment, or the weather, or Dan Clarin leaving their country off his list as a reason for their sub par performances.  Bode has taken his criticism like a man.  Second, Bode is a marketing genius.  He is a world class skier, which is nothing to sneeze at.  But at the end of the day, he is a very average world class skier, and he has not lived up to the hype in any way.  However, unlike us, he will never have to work another day the rest of his life!  He will be able to endorse products for the next 20 years because he is colorful and he stands out from his contemporaries.  The only drawback for Bode is that he doesn't get down the hill as fast as the rest of the world's elite skiers.  He only misses by fractions of a second, but in his sport, fractions mean a lot.  There is no shame in being 6th in the world!  Bode is an average Olympic skier who has made the most of his 15 minutes.  And hey, his 15 minutes are not over just yet.  He could win a medal in the Slalom and salvage an otherwise poor Olympic showing.  Bode and I do not see eye to eye, but I hope he accepts my apology.  I know he will surely be reading this.

---LeBron James.  Youngest All-Star game MVP ever.  And he got Mr. Kenna's stamp of approval by playing like...Kobe Bryant!  Several years ago, Kobe was named MVP of the All-Star game in Philadelphia.  Kobe was criticized for taking too many shots.  What did LeBron do on Sunday night?  He shot 'til his heart was more than content, and his line on the stat sheet was over-flowing.  Jacking up 3-pointers and off-balance jump shots.  No criticism for LeBron though.  Poor Kobe.  He just can't win.  In fact, he was criticized after this all-star game too: For passing the ball too much.  Go figure.

---As Dave Mandel often tells me, "Whenever Tiger Woods plays in a golf tournament, I like him to win."  Dave may be onto something.  This guy, Tiger, seems quite good; especially when he has Stephen Ames' comments to motivate him.  On Monday, Ames (who was added to the 64-man field as a substitute) was asked if he had any chance of defeating Tiger.  Stephen's next comment sealed his fate: "Anything can happen in match play; especially where he hits it."  Of course, Stephen was referring to Tiger's recent bout of wayward tee shots.  Well, Stephen seemed to forget that there is actually a gap between the 65th best player in the world (him) and Tiger.  Losing 9 and 8 would be downright embarrassing if it were the Watertown Junior City Golf Championships and you caught the wrong end of a Todd Garvey beat down, but at least you would have known you lost to one of Watertown's finest (and most, shall we say, controversial golfers).  Losing 9 and 8 in the World Match Play Championships is absolutely dreadful.  It will likely haunt Ames for the next 2 years.  I guess it really is best to let sleeping dogs lie.

---Isaiah Thomas.  What are you doing?

---Wayne "I have been called the Great One since age 9" Gretzky is questioning whether he should continue to occupy his post as executive director of Team Canada.  "It's been a rough three months," Gretzky said.  Really, Wayne?  You think?  How much does this guy hate his wife?  He did not see her for the better part of two decades while he played in the NHL.  Then, he retires and begins coaching in Phoenix, while she lives in Los Angeles.  Is anyone surprised she had a multi-million dollar gambling habit?!?!  I have an idea for Wayne.  Take some time off.  The Coyotes aren't going anywhere.  The NHL isn't going anywhere.  There will always be a place for you to coach.  After all, you are the Great One.  Maybe spend some time with your wife.  If she still prefers you over Rick Tocchet, you may be able to salvage things.  And who knows, your kids might even grow to like you!  Just a suggestion.  But then again, why should he take advice from me?  I have never been called the Great One.

---Is it wrong that I am going to make the players at my weekly poker game watch Sasha Cohen figure skate tonight?  Is it wrong that I have a crush on her and Emily Hughes?  Should I even dare look at how old they are?

 

posted 8:40 am on 2/21/06 by Jeff Tinker

What If God Was One Of Us?

Last night on the Bachelor's Women Tell All Episode, I marveled once again as our boy, Travis Stork, strolled across the stage with his million dollar smile.  Chris Harrison did what he does best; he methodically continued to give the world's greatest introductions.  "Ladies and Gentlemen, The Doctor, Travis Stork..."  (Followed, of course, by two minutes worth of cat calls from the females.  Don't be surprised if Elton John hires Chris Harrison to travel with him and announce his presence before Elton enters a room at social events.)  After Chris did his thing, Travis slowly walked across the stage and sat down, making sure to soak up every moment of the spotlight.  This man is not taking any mulligans to the clubhouse with him.  As the girls continued to gush over Travis, I realized that we have been doing the same thing here on our website.  Then, it hit me?  If Travis really is God, and he is really walking among us, would we want to be friends with him?  Is God actually one of us?  (By "us" I mean Jeff, Dave, Dan and Chris.)  It occurred to me that Travis is nothing like us.

Let's examine all of the activities that we find enjoyable.  First and foremost: sports!  We all love sports.  If we were on TV for 2 months, I am sure we would toss in a sporting reference somewhere along the line.  Not Travis.  With all due respect to Danny Sells (the only friend of mine who would get along with Travis), hiking does not count in this discussion of sports.  Dr. Stork has not thrown in one reference to sports, sex or life changing questions such as "Tara, would you rather play golf at Augusta or have sex?"  These are the kinds of questions that everyone of us would be asking.

Food!  We all love food!  Travis does not love food.  Food is evil.  Food could ruin his perfect abs. If Moana's abs suddenly looked better than Travis', the relationship would be over.  Travis has been living at a free, all-you-can-eat buffet for the past two months and he has not gained a single pound!  To be honest, I am not convinced he has a Y-chromosome!  Could you picture Dan and I hanging out with Travis on a Saturday night?

Dan (at 4am):  "Well, boys, time to head to McDonald's."

Jeff:  "I would like that."

Travis: "McDonald's?  Absolutely not.  Do you know how much grease is in that food?  Do you know what that would do to my gorgeous body?  I couldn't face all those girls if I got above 2% body fat.  That's why I cut Kristen.  Everyone thought it was because of the orange peel, but really, I can't date someone that likes to eat."

Drinking!   Everyone on this website is in their absolute prime when alcohol is distributed.  That is definitely not the case for Travis.  He has been offered every imaginable kind of alcohol during the past two months and we have yet to see him even mildly buzzed.  If there ever exists a Mandel/Clarin/Kenna reality TV show, where they get to party and socialize with hotties, I have a sneaking suspicion that they might drink; even copiously perhaps.  Guys, do we have any friends that don't drink?  I can't think of any.

Physical attractiveness.  Travis is hot.  One of the girls described him as a "chiseled Adonis".   It is safe to say that none of us will ever be compared to a Greek statue.  And that is likely because we enjoy having fun activities present in our lives.  Travis didn't get to be the object of Moana, Sara and Johnny Weir's affection by having fun!  He became a god by shunning unhealthy activities.

I realized last night that I am happy for Travis, and I am impressed with all his success.  But, at the end of the day, I would not want to spend more than two minutes with the guy.  I have been obsessed with him for two months, but it finally occurred to me that he is the exact opposite of what I would want in a friend.  I have the best kind of friends: degenerate friends!  My friends bet on coin tosses, eat meals that would be equivalent to the average person's monthly caloric intake, and always answer "yes" when I ask, "Well, the first 24 games of beer pong were pretty fun, why don't we play another 7-game series?"

If Travis and I crossed paths, I would shake his hand and congratulate him on a life well-lived.  But unless he wanted to sit down next to me and eat the lumberjack slam, I wouldn't be his friend.

 

posted 8:42 am on 2/15/06 by Jeff Tinker

Storming Like Demons

At age 9, I watched my first Final Four game.  Duke defeated Kansas to claim its first of two consecutive national championships.  For the duration of the '90s, I was a Duke fan.  In my early years as a basketball fan, I admired Duke for playing a team game and for always giving maximum effort.  Every team circles Duke on their schedule and the Blue Devils manage to bring tons of intensity every night.  Most teams play 2 or 3 inspired games per season.  Duke plays 30.  My love for the Dukies has pretty much evaporated at this point, probably because Brand, Maggette and Avery all jumped ship after the 1999 season.  Once Duke started losing guys early (Brand may have had a reason to depart, but Maggette and Avery should have stayed a few more years.) they became just like every other team in college basketball: a group of individuals trying to boost their stock and land themselves in the first round of the NBA draft.  Was there any reason for Mike Dunleavy to leave early?  Absolutely not!  With the departures of players like Avery and Dunleavy, so went my love for the Dukies.  I still enjoy watching the Blue Devils play (This year's team reminds me more of the early '90s Duke teams.  With the exception of Redick, none of this year's players really have a chance to play in the NBA, and I can tell they are savoring every minute of college basketball), but I do understand how basketball fans can loathe the NCAA's darlings.  Duke gets lots of calls from the officials, lots of recruits show up based on reputation, and despite recent commercials, Coach K is probably not the second coming.  But whether you feel love or hatred for the Dukies, there is one thing that must be discussed: storming the court.  In the history of college basketball, no team has had the court stormed following road losses more often than Duke.  Name the last time Duke lost a game on the road and the visiting crowd didn't manage to get a least a few students onto the court to cheer and celebrate their team's only meaningful win of the season.  Why am I reminded of this today?  Because Duke played my least favorite college basketball team last night.  Wake Forest.

I have two good friends from high school who attended Wake Forest.  I like my friends, but I hate the rest of the Wake student body.  In addition to destroying numerous 3-game teasers, Wake storms the court in the worst way possible.  Once every 5 years, when Wake manages to beat Duke (at Wake Forest, of course) they stage the wildest court storming in the NCAA.  Crazy fans charge all over the floor screaming, "We beat Duke!  We beat Duke!  Yay!  We grew up in Massachusetts, but somehow we have southern accents!  Yay!"  This always ends up being Wake's only reasonable victory of the year, and they always underachieve in the postseason.  I believe the reason for their annual early tournament exit has to do with the attitude at Wake.  No school should get too exited over beating a conference opponent on their home court.  If you truly believe that you have little chance of beating a conference foe on your home court, then you shouldn't be in that conference.

How funny would it have been if Duke students stormed the court last night after beating Wake by 23 points?  What if they stormed the court and laughed in Eric Williams' face?  (By the way, how can your nickname be "Big E" when you play so much smaller than your listed height and weight?)  The Duke faithful didn't get too excited over pounding their rival last night.  They are used to it by now.  Wake will never become accustomed to big conference victories, and I am sure next year they will once again storm the court. 

One last lesson in victory etiquette.  When I was a student at Colgate University, Colgate Men's Hockey defeated the then #1 ranked Cornell Hockey team in a regular season game at Colgate.  The next day, the Colgate administration sent an email to the student body, congratulating Colgate on defeating Cornell.  When I opened that email, I knew then and there that Colgate hockey would never make it to the level of excellence at which Cornell currently resides.  How can you consider yourself an elite team if you are surprised by defeating a conference opponent in a regular season game on your home ice?  By all means, savor the victory.  It was an important conference win.  The team should be happy and the students should be happy as well.  But home victories over conference opponents should be expected!

The Demon Deacons will never become a perennial powerhouse because they have the wrong attitude.  Success should not come as a surprise.  Success should come by design.  Beating a conference opponent at home should not be a "shock to the world".  It should be an annual occurrence.

Luckily for Wake Forest basketball fans, they always have plenty of free time in March.  And they badly need it.  It isn't easy keeping those drawls in mid-season form.

 

posted 9:40 am on 2/14/06 by Jeff Tinker

The List of Freebies

In two weeks, when Sarah Tennessee stands in front of Jim Nance and Billy Packer screaming, "I just shocked the world," and is then arrested 3 weeks later for possession of marijuana, I will not be surprised. We have seen this story unfold before. In fact, she is probably going to end up playing in the UMass-Boston NBA summer league in 2 years. Only one other person knows what I am talking about here, but I don't care. The Bachelor is a great show and I hope it continues.

While I anxiously await Bachelor commentary from the website's other intellectual giants, Katie and I have prepared a Valentine's Day special. While most couples spend time discussing their love for one another on Valentine's Day, we chose to spend our time discussing the other people who we are allowed to hook up with, if the opportunity is ever present. We first got the idea from the show "Friends". Basically, each person makes a list of 5 people ("freebies") they can get it on with, without their significant other becoming upset. Before I begin, I want to point out that these 10 people listed below are not necessarily the 10 hottest bodies on the planet, but rather, the babes that I would like to see naked, or in Katie's case, the men who she wants to engage in enchanting conversation before dumping my ass and moving into a 20 million dollar mansion in Beverly Hills. Without further adu, here are our selections. Kathryn, my love, please get us started.

Katie's List of Freebies

Any good relationship is built on honesty; and I would honestly throw good judgment to this wind if I ever met any of these fine male specimens…

1. George Clooney… When George Clooney donned his scrubs and took his scalpel in hand, women everywhere knew that going to the doctor would never be the same again. Like that little black dress or your mother strand of pearls, Clooney is timeless. A classic dark, tall and handsome kind of guy. Loving George Clooney will never be out of style. Today, tomorrow and forever…

2. Ace… A good old Southern boy, you long to hear Ace say your name with his long Alabama drawl. Although a relative unknown in the world of beautiful men, any female MTV enthusiast knows, and for that matter, loves Ace. If I ever meet Ace, he will definitely have a drink in one hand, and hopefully me in the other.

3. Big Ben Roethlisberger… Despite his somewhat lackluster performance in the recent Super Bowl, there is nothing more attractive than athletic talent coupled with pure, unadulterated arrogance. A rough and tough Midwestern man, over six feet tall and strong enough to battle the NFL’s largest linebackers, I can not help but imagine myself "scoring" with Ben.

4. Jared Leto… When Angela Chase started sharing kisses with Jordan Catalano in the boiler room, I knew I would have to fight her for him. With a single strand of leather around his neck and a corduroy jacket over his flannel shirt, I felt Angela’s unrequited love as I snuck out of bed as a fifth grader to watch My So-Called Life. Despite somewhat attractive previous girlfriends, I am sure I more than stack up against Britney, Scarlet and Cameron to secure my chances with Mr. Leto.

5. Jason Lewis… No woman can deny the attractiveness of pure sex appeal, and I am not different. While I am not familiar with his modeling past or acting future, Jason Lewis is undeniably gorgeous, which is the essential characteristic for any male on a "freebie list." With abs of steel and a hairline most men would die for, Jason Lewis embodies the male worth cheating for.

Jeff's List of Freebies

1. Giselle Bundchen. "Yeah, she's alright." Everyone knows that the only thing stopping Giselle's legs is the floor. I don't need to describe her. Any man who can look me in the eye and say, "Giselle is not my type," is either gay or named Seal. Seal gets a free pass because he doesn't want to mess things up with Heidi, and I can't say I blame him. For anyone else, if you make any kind of list even remotely similar to this one, and it doesn't include Giselle, then you have obviously never had access to an internet browser. Some might say a 6-foot tall woman is intimidating, but if hell ever freezes over and Giselle and I happen to be in the same bar at the same time and she happens to want to sleep with me, I am willing to take a chance and find out how the "legs for miles" thing works. By the way, what are the actual odds of me meeting any of these girls? I would say the line is about +1,000,000. What is the line on me meeting these girls and them being interested in me? Bodog.com currently lists the odds as "bet $5 to win the title deed to planet earth."

2. Rachel McAdams. By now, you all know about my obsession with Rachel. First, she changed my life as a blonde in "Mean Girls". Then, she showed us that red heads might actually have the most fun in "The Notebook" (I am still jealous of Ryan Gosling. Why can't I have his hair? Why can't I have the body of a 10 year old girl? I want to wear designer jeans!). And if two blockbusters was not enough, Rachel went brunette and gave us, as Matt Baldwin calls it, the "Snow White Effect", while melting the screen in "Wedding Crashers." Regardless of hair style, this woman looks amazing. What is not to like about her? She is sweet as can be, hot as sin, and I have this image of her serving me warm pecan pie with a scoop of vanilla ice cream.

3. Kitana Baker. For the next 2, you may need to actually employ your web browser because no one spends as much time as I do looking at women online. If you remember the Miller Lite Girls from a few years ago, then you know Kitana well. You remember: the mud wrestling with the gorgeous blonde and smokin' brunette. Kitana is the brunette in that equation. Dave and Matt will tell you that I don't have a type, and they would be right. We all see that LeBron James is listed as a small forward, but we know that he can actually play any spot on the floor. This is how I feel about many aspects of life. It is always good to be versatile. However, if you had to list a type for me, Kitana would be it: long brown hair, naughty smile and curves upon curves. Go ahead. Click on www.google.com and get to work. Let me know what you think.

4. Crista Nicole. Just remember, a lot of people didn't know anything about Bucknell before last March. Now, they are in the Top 25! Crista is the most underrated hottie of all-time. I guess you would classify her hair color as strawberry blonde, but I am not sure it even matters. She is a former Miss North Carolina who was featured in Playboy in 2001 and she lives up to every ounce of billing. I feel like she is probably the only girl on the list who I have any chance of meeting. She is probably the least mutually agreeable of the 5 girls, and that is precisely why she is on here. Every one of you will look at her picture and say, "Come on, Jeff, she's just another pretty face with a great rack and amazing legs." But I know you will be thinking, "Tinker is a genius. What search engine is this guy using?"

5. Jessica Simpson. Come on. You didn't think I could go an entire list without including one of the world's hottest pop icons, did you? Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera have had their day, but Jessica is still in the limelight, and now she is single! With all due respect to Giselle, Jessica is probably the least attainable on this list, but I have to include her, purely based on principle. I would compare this to buying a half-point when you take UConn (-8.5) at Marquette or some other helpless conference opponent. You know UConn is going to cover, but you would hate to click on the box score and see that they only won by 8, and you lost money betting on a team that is almost always (Villanova would have something to say about this now) a sure thing. You just want to cover all your bases. What if by some miracle, Jessica and I ended up rubbing elbows in some club in NYC? Imagine how the conversation would go if she was not on my list.

Jessica: "Hey, you're that guy that writes on bottomlineguys.com, aren't you?"

Me: "As a matter of fact, I am."

Jessica: "I love reading your stuff. You're so funny. Wow. Are those your new jeans?"

Me: "Yes they are."

Jessica: "Can I be the lucky one tonight?"

Jeff: "Sorry, Jessica, but I gave Katie my list. I thought we had no chance of ever meeting, so I picked Shakira instead of you."

Imagine for one second if this happened and you did NOT have her on your list! How could you live with yourself? I know I couldn't.

So there you have it. If Katie cheated on me with those 5 men, I would be totally fine with it. But in the end, no one carries shopping bags as well as I do, and no one could put up with my antics as well as Katie, so I think Big Ben and Giselle can rest easy.

I am interested to know if any of you can make a similar list? It is pretty tough narrowing the field to 5 hotties.

 

posted 8:50 am on 2/7/06 by Jeff Tinker

Behind Every Great Man, There is a Great Dog

We all know how wonderful Dr. Travis Stork is.  We have all seen the great body.  We have witnessed the charming personality that causes hotties to buckle at the knees.  We have heard the stories of his skill in the emergency room.  I don't know about the rest of you, but I thought that was enough.  I thought it was enough, especially in America, to simply be incredibly attractive and smart.  For a man as gifted and accomplished as Travis, nothing is ever enough.  You see, not only is Travis a perfect human being, he also owns the perfect dog.
 
  Most dogs, if given the chance to frolic in an open field, may attempt to run far away, causing the owner much grief and returning only when they are sufficiently tired.  Not Nala.  When Travis and Sarah arrived at a plot of gorgeous green grass, Nala went to work.  She did the requisite "run in circles for a few minutes so Travis can reach down and playfully poke at me as I run by at warp speed and Sarah becomes even further convinced that he is the man"  routine.  Then, Nala returned to being a human.  She set up the picnic, so Travis would have even more time to find the romantic spark with Sarah Tennessee.  Nala then patiently waited at one end of the blanket while her owner and his date sipped some beverages and enjoyed a snack, all the while never making a single distracting sound or movement.  Most dogs would have begged for food.  Nala did not beg.  Nala is not a dog. 
 
Nala showed her true brilliance when Travis and Sarah's sister called an audible; they brought the Kindergarten students!  Most dogs need to be prepared for time with children.  In Nala's case, she lives with one adult.  How could she be expected to interact with children?  Nala handled the situation with the grace and poise of a beauty queen.  As the young children chanted some silly tune about moving arms and elbows and turning in a circle (really, what else can you do at that age?) Nala stood by and helped those students who needed more instruction; carefully demonstrating the proper posture for the exercise.  Just as Travis is prepared for anything, so is his dog.  Can't you just picture the two of them walking through the wilderness and hearing a cry for help.  I have this image in my head of Nala holding a rope in her teeth while Travis repels down the side of a cliff to rescue a stranded mountain climber.  This duo really is incredible.  Travis manages to surround himself with perfection.  I half expected Sarah to walk through his front door and be greeted by two cats ironing Travis' shirts, while his guinea pig was dusting off the coffee table.  Personally, I think Travis should just stick with Nala, as she is the most mature female on the show.  Unfortunately, I think Chris is going to make him give a final rose.
 
It is rare that I agree with Matt and Dave when it comes to women, but they are beginning to make me a believer.  Moana is the favorite now.  She wouldn't be my choice, but Travis adores her.  Sarah Tennessee, despite switching to the low cut dress next week, will probably be sent home, clearing the way for a match up of the two all-stars.  Ultimately, I think Travis will realize that Susan is using the show as a way to get to Hollywood, and Moana will end up with the man of her dreams.  Will they ultimately tie the knot?  I doubt it.  But you never know.  They both enjoy the outdoors, and they are both incredibly attractive.  Relationships have certainly been built on less.  I could go on about how I think he should have kept Sarah Canada, but it is not worth it.  Travis is a far stronger man than me, and he had no problem sending home the most attractive girl.  Sure, Winnipeg's finest hottie was immature, but the remaining girls are 7 years younger than Travis.  I am sorry, but that is still a significant gap! 
 
In the end, I don't think Travis will find his soul mate.  But really, I am not sure it matters.  He has Nala.  And she is absolutely perfect.

 

posted 9:30 am on 2/6/06 by Jeff Tinker

Reflections on an XL Weekend

It was a huge weekend for several of us in the northern jersey region.  Lots of winning bets, lots of hours spent watching sporting events, and lots of fun.  I am sure that David will have an award-winning entry today, but I just want to mention several things for everyone to contemplate as we drink our morning caffeine and recover from an extra large Super Bowl hangover.

---As always, we must address the Super Bowl commercials.  Most Americans love commercials with monkeys.  I love commercials with horses.  The freshly-shorn sheep streaking across the Clydesdales field, and the youngest member of the stable pulling the carriage with a little help from the elders, were among my favorites.  GoDaddy.com completely and totally lacked originality, but as long as they keep Candace Michelle in their commercials, it is impossible to go wrong.  Shaq dropping in with some dynamite Desperate Housewives knowledge will go down as one of the better commercial ideas in Super Bowl history.  However, I am the only male who was watching that game that can even name any of the characters on Desperate Housewives, so its greatness was completely lost on viewers.  Overall, the commercials were poor.  How can they leave out the bud light dare devil???

---This game lived up to the hype (or lack thereof).  In fact, it was a perfect microcosm of the entire NFL season: boring.  The games two biggest talkers did nothing.  Lots of drops for Jerramy Stevens and only 3 tackles for Joey Porter.

---The winning QB had a rating of 22!  Big Ben had one of the worst performances by a winning quarterback in Super Bowl history.  But, defense wins championships.  He must be thanking his lucky stars that he fell in the 2004 draft.  He is twice the quarterback Eli Manning is, but he ended up on a better team and has a ring to show for it after just 2 seasons.  Also, I bet I am not the only one who would have loved to have been sitting on the couch with Jake Plummer last night.  Plummer has played hundreds of games like the one Roethlisberger played last night.  Jake the Snake easily could have manufactured a game like that.  9 out of 21 for 123 yards and 2 picks???  No problem!  But what wins championships?  Defense.  Defense.  Defense.  Forget the so-called "franchise quarterbacks".  They only come along once every 10 or 20 years.  The Giants and Chargers, for example, would have been much better served drafting John Vilma or Sean Taylor.  I don't have anything personal against Eli, but I work with a bunch of Giants fans who worship the ground on which he walks.  Every Monday, I take a few minutes to vent my own frustrations, because I suffer through 250 business days per year of the Eli love fest.  Sorry Giants fans, but the position of quarterback is not what it once was.  Build the team with defense first.  If you have a standout quarterback, that is great.  But you don't have to have one to win the big games. 

---Unless of course, you have a quarterback disguised as a wide receiver!  How funny is it that Antwaan Randle El throws a better ball than half the starting QBs in the NFL?  This morning, I walked to the desk of every single Giants fan at my office and said, "You guys should have drafted Randle El.  Pittsburgh has two quarterbacks better than Eli."  What is even funnier is the fact that they all agreed with me!  How many starters could throw the ball 40 yards on the run while wearing gloves and hit a receiver in the hands?  Think about it, and get back to me.

---I don't really have much else to say.  The Steelers were a better team.  I could go on about Mike Holmgren and Matt Hasselbeck botching the last 2 minutes of the second quarter, but does it even matter?  Is anyone surprised?  Holmgren and his former coaching buddy, Andy Reid, are the two worst clock managers in the league.  Everyone knows it.  Not surprisingly, they have lost the last two Super Bowls.  I like McNabb and Hasselbeck and I hope they end up playing for different coaches while they are still in their prime.  Anyway, the Bachelor is on tonight.  That's huge!  And the NBA all-star game is less than 2 weeks away.  Thank God!  If I had to watch another football game this weekend, I might start betting on stuff like, I don't know, the duration of the national anthem.

 

posted 1:22 pm on 2/3/06 by Jeff Tinker

113 Thoughts
 
---There is no way Dan Clarin doesn't finish the Meat Lover's Bowl.  Call me when Denny's starts trying.
 
---I am sticking with my earlier Super Bowl prediction: Steelers 20 Seahawks 17.  Joey Porter for MVP.  Every year, I will predict that a defensive player will win MVP.  Hopefully, before I die, a defensive player will win MVP again and someone will say, "Wow.  That Jeff Tinker really knows something about football."  Does anyone think Bill Cowher will try another surprise onside kick?  I do.
 
---I can understand why Scottie Pippen would defend Michael.  I have a feeling he is better friends with MJ than he is with Kobe (just a hunch).  And Scottie is right; the NBA was more physical when he and Michael played.  However, The era of the 6' 8 swingman had not yet taken hold.  Jordan is great.  He really is.  I would even say he is probably the best ever.  But I firmly believe that Jordan, Bird, Magic, McHale, Barkley or any other stud from the 80s and 90s would have a tougher time putting up the same kind of numbers in 2006.  That is not to say they wouldn't still be very good, maybe even great.  They would still score lots of points, grab lots of rebounds, dish out plenty of assists, and have tons of affairs with really hot chicks.  But the fact of the matter is, the goal is raised in the air.  Height and weight matters.   It matters a lot.  Bill Russell could never defend Shaq.  Do you want to know why?  Because Bill Russell was about 6' 9 and weighed 235 pounds.  In fact, I think LeBron James would give Russell all he could handle in the post.  Modern NBA players are huge.  The game has not changed quite as much since Magic and Michael played, but still, it has changed.  Athletes who would have played small forward, or even power forward 10 years ago, are now playing shooting guard.  And the giants that patrol the paint make slashing to the basket a lot tougher than it once was.  Jordan is the man!  I just want to point out that defensive rules are not the only thing that has changed since Scottie and Michael helped dampen the seats at the United Center.  Give Kobe a break.  Forget the 81 points.  Averaging 43 points per game for an entire month is impressive.  Unless, of course, you are beating the hell out of high school kids...
 
---I am not sure if everyone is aware, but a young lady, named Epipphany Prince, scored 113 points in a Girls' High School basketball game just two nights ago.  Her team won 137-32.  That's right.  Her team beat another high school team by 105 points.  Prince broke the girls' national high school scoring record, previously held by Cheryl Miller, who scored 105 points in one game in 1982.  When I heard about this, I shook my head.  It is one thing for an athlete to have an enormous offensive outburst in a close game, when their team needs the points in order to win.  It is something else entirely when an athlete scores that many points in a game that is a complete and total blowout!  The funny thing about the two 100 point performances mentioned above is the fact that the actual scores of the game are mere footnotes.  Do you know what the score was the night Cheryl Miller dropped 105?  Her team won 179-15!  Her team was ahead by 164 points (actually probably a few less than that) and Cheryl Miller was still in the game!  Epipphany Prince's coach, Ed Grezinsky said he did not feel sorry for the team he pummeled.  He saw nothing wrong with going for the record, stating: "I took the rest of my starters out, and we only pressed a little bit."  Oh.  Well, that makes it much better.  At least you "only pressed a little bit" when you were ahead by 100 points.  Does anyone else see something wrong here?  This is high school athletics!  By all means, play hard and defeat the inferior opponent by a comfortable margin.  But there is no need to win a game by 100 points.  Beating a team by 20 points will indicate that you are a better team.  And what about the kids sitting at the end of the bench for both teams?  Kids who do not possess the same physical skills as the starting five, but who work just as hard (in some cases, harder) to be part of the team.  Don't they deserve some playing time?  Shouldn't their parents be allowed to watch them play in a few games?  I think Mr. and Mrs. Prince probably would have lived if Epipphany sat out the second half after scoring 58 points in the first 16 minutes.  I doubt any coaches of powerhouse high school programs are reading this, but if by some miracle they are, they should all take note.  Mercilessly beating a team at the high school level accomplishes nothing, other than embarrassing the other team.  And most of all, when a game gets out of hand on the scoreboard, spectators would rather see seldom used players get a chance to play.  Winning is important, but sports aren't only about winning.  Sports should attempt to provide some amount of joy to athletes, especially in high school.  And maybe even, I don't know, teach the kids some sportsmanship and values that could serve them well later in life.  Wake up, Mr. Grezinsky.  In the end, your win/loss record will mean very little.  The lives that you might touch along the way (of players that you coach and coach against) will make a difference.

 

posted 10:28 am on 2/1/06 by Jeff Tinker

Sex or Sports?

Yesterday, espn.com polled its readers to see how many of them would give up sex for one year in order to receive a tee time at Augusta National.  32% answered "Yes".  32%!  I understand that after 20 years of marriage things may become a little repetitive, but let's get serious for one moment.  1 out of 3 golfers would rather play 18 holes at Augusta than have sex for an entire year?  That is insane!
 
Several years ago, on the airwaves of Colgate University Television, Dave, Dan and I debated whether we would give up sex for the rest of our lives in order to save sports.  In our scenario, if we had chosen sex, sports would become extinct.  I chose sex.  Dave and Dan were torn, and while they did not ultimately answer, they leaned toward saving sports from extinction.  Keep in mind, this was before either of their favorite baseball teams had won a world series.  Their answers may have changed in the last 15 months.  However, it is obvious that a fair number of people would give up sex to enjoy certain sporting events, play exclusive golf courses, or watch their favorite team win a championship.  These people might be in the minority, but they certainly have a lot of company.
 
While a lifetime without sex is probably unrealistic, I spent some time this morning thinking about what I would exchange for a year without sex.  I only came up with one answer: cash.  Cold, hard cash.  Not a thousand dollars, or a few hundred thousand dollars.  Millions of dollars.  The kind of money that makes you look at your bank account and say, "Wow.  I never have to work again."  Honestly, what else would you choose?  One respondent said that they would give up a year without sex if it meant Duke would lose to a 16 seed in the NCAA tournament.  That makes no sense at all.  This guy is basically saying that he would give up sex for a year so the kids on Liberty's basketball team can have more sex?  Why?  Why do you care if a team with which you have no association beats Duke?  And why would you care so much that you would give up sex for one year?  How bad must this person's sex life be?  I think it is time for him to ask his doctor about Viagra. 
 
Dave and Dan will likely remind me that I once went 40 days without orgasm.  I engaged in this marathon of self-discipline in order to prove a point.  I proved that I was master of my domain and one of the most disciplined men alive.  However, I can assure you that 365 days is vastly more difficult than 40 days, and even an individual as dumb as myself would not try such a ridiculous thing. 
 
I would really like to hear everyone's thoughts on this.  Could you think of anything (Aside from money.  It makes sense to abstain for one year, get tons of cash, and then have sex everyday for the rest of your life.) that would cause you to give up sex for one year?  Particularly, when the end result does not truly benefit you in any way.  Playing one round of golf at Augusta accomplishes nothing.  Watching a team with which you have no affiliation win a game against a team you hate does not, in any way, shape or form, better your life.  It would be great to see it happen, but at the expense of a year without sex?
 
Since I now have a man crush on Travis Stork, I was thinking about what he would do in this situation (By the way, how long before the WWTD bracelets come out?).  Travis would choose sex over almost any other situation.  I think if he could ensure that he remained at 0.6% body fat and his hair remained in its perfect place for the rest of his life, he would give up sex for one year.  Other than that, I see no reason why a sensible human being like him would abstain.
 
Someone help me out here.  Do people not like sex?  Isn't it the most enjoyable activity in life?  Don't people search the population of the earth to find someone with which they can engage in meaningful sex?  Please tell me that the people making up the 32% have all been married for more than 40 years.  Restore my faith in mankind.

 

posted 8:37 am on 1/31/06 by Jeff Tinker

Where To Begin?

So many things to discuss, so little time....

---The Bachelor.  I am anxiously awaiting commentary from Dan and Chris, but in the meantime, I will say this.  Of all the people in life who I have nothing in common with, I like Travis Stork the best.  We do not see eye to eye in terms of what we would look for in women, but this guy is the man.  Good for him having the courage to finally cut Tara.  I think he realized that any of the girls left will be awesome in bed, so Tara was no longer needed.  I have no idea why he kept Sarah from Tennessee.  Sarah from Canada and Susan are still his favorites.  Moana is getting emotional on everyone now, which makes no sense.  Jehan had the breakout show that Mr. Kenna predicted!  By the way, Jehan got a lot hotter as the show progressed.  Her problem: Travis needs virginal!  Very virginal!  No damaged goods.  Divorce spells early exit.  At this point, I have no idea what will happen.  My final four would have been Susan, Cole, Sarah Canada and Kristen.  So at this point, I feel like the Sweet 16 is about to tip off and I only have two of my final four teams left.  I will watch the rest of the way, but I realize that I have absolutely no grasp of what is happening.  Also of note, is anyone on this website getting the feeling that all of us have a drinking problem?  There has been alcohol at every event on this show, and Travis has not been even slightly buzzed!  Again, this is why Travis and I would never get along.  Two of my favorite activities are eating and drinking.  Travis sips alcohol instead of actually drinking it, and he hasn't eaten since November.  Now, he is a 14 on the hotness scale and I am somewhere between 0.5 and 0.8, so I feel like perhaps I should emulate his lifestyle.  Come to think of it, Danny Sells is the only other man that I know who even resembles Travis Stork, and Danny has better luck with the ladies than anyone else I know.  Wow.  I do have a drinking problem.
 
---NBA MVP.  God, I wish I knew how to quit the NBA.  I love that league.  Earlier this year, I said that the MVP had to go to either Shaq or Duncan, every year.  To be honest, I still feel that way, but with the new zone defense rules, it is becoming more of a guards league.  Part of the reason Shaq's numbers have declined the past two years are due to the fact that he is now being quadruple teamed.  Although, I see him averaging 25 points the rest of the season, and the guy does open up the rest of floor for his team in ways that no other player is capable of doing.  By the way, did anybody see the spin move he put on Mutumbo on Sunday?  That should be illegal.  Shaq can't win the MVP this year because he has already missed 18 games and his numbers aren't there.  I would vote for Duncan.  Like Shaq, he draws so many double teams, he makes things much easier for Manu and Mr. Eva Longoria.  His defense isn't spectacular, but he is a great help defender, which is extremely important on championship caliber teams.  But, Duncan won't win the MVP this year either.  It is the year of the high scoring perimeter player, which leaves us with two options: Kobe or LeBron.  If faced to pick between the two, I would take Kobe.  Right now, he is the best player in the league.  Also, if anyone has watched his games recently, he is trying to pass the ball.  One important thing regarding assists: you need someone to make a shot in order for the assist to count!  He doesn't have much on his team in the way of shot makers.  He is carrying the Lakers and if you put anyone else in his spot, the Lakers would be a lot worse.  Dan is right, LeBron is just being silly lately.  In 3 years, there won't even be anybody close to him in this league.  Kobe wins the MVP this year.  LeBron will win 6 of the next 12.
 
---D-I-S-R-E-S-P-E-C-T.  Do you want to find out what that means to me?  A-N-N-O-Y-A-N-C-E.  If I hear one more team talk about a lack of respect from the fans and media, I might stop watching sports.  Enough already.  I know Hasselbeck is upset with being bald.  I have thinning hair myself.  Deal with it.  Shaun Alexander, no one is saying that you aren't a great running back.  You aren't being disrespected!  Big Ben, forgive us if we haven't put you in the Hall of Fame yet; it is your second year in the league.  If anyone should feel disrespected, it should be Jerome Bettis.  Whoever is in charge of listing the players' weights is disrespecting him by short changing him one third grader.  If Bettis weighs 256, then I weigh 145.  Stop with the disrespect nonsense!  I mean, seriously, do these teams lack motivation to the point where they need to invent bad press about themselves?  I hope next football season is about 500 times better than this one.
 
Steelers 20 Seahawks 17
 
MVP: Joey Porter
 
---Last night, before The Bachelor, I watched In Style Celebrity Weddings on ABC.  Wow.  I had forgotten how smokin' hot Tiffany Amber Thiessen is.  Seriously, my list of Top 10 hottest bodies is coming, and she is making a strong case to be included on the list.  Obviously, she married some clown with bad facial hair, but then again, isn't that the thing to do these days?  Kevin Federline has Britney Spears.  Rick Solomon had sex with Paris Hilton, sold the tape, and then had Shannon Daugherty fighting Paris for his affection.  It just doesn't make sense!  If you're white, you shouldn't have facial hair!  And yet, these guys get away with it.  By the way, Heidi Klum and Seal made an appearance on the show.  Seal must wake up everyday and laugh.  If that guy wrote a book about maximizing potential, I would certainly read it.  He is an absolute genius. 
 
---Dan, this summer I am going to travel to Chicago and we are going to have breakfast at an IHOP.

 

posted 9:08 am on 1/30/06 by Jeff Tinker

These Guys Really are The Best

On Friday, Mr. Kenna constructed an excellent list of must-see athletes.  And while I realize it is difficult to include present-day athletes on such a list (Who knows how their careers will truly be remembered?), I think this past weekend showed us two men who, despite being a long way from retirement, have easily reached "must-see" status.  In fact, as I watched them on Sunday, I couldn't help but wonder how I forgot to mention them on Friday.  Love them or hate them, you simply cannot deny it: they are the most dominant athletes on this planet, now and for the foreseeable future.

 
I once heard a sportswriter describe the way he felt when he watched Roger Federer play tennis.  He compared it to admiring a famous painting, in a roped off section of a museum behind protective glass.  You know the artwork is impressive, but you have to look very closely to notice how great it truly is.  Federer is so utterly and completely dominant, he has no rivals.  His game is so smooth and so effortless, casual observers have no way of appreciating him.  Yesterday, Marcos Baghdatis gave every last drop of effort he could muster (By the way, did anyone see this guy's girlfriend?  Marcos ranks as a -2 and his little breezy rates as a 14.  When Bucknell plays in the Final Four this year, people will say, "Wow.  What a surprise!"  And I will reply, "Yes.  But have you seen the girl that Marcos Baghdatis is dating?  Now that is an upset!")  He played the best week of tennis of his entire life.  He poured his heart and soul onto that court in Australia.  And it was only good enough to win a single set against Federer.  By the  middle of the second set, Baghdatis was exhausted and Federer went to work running him from one side of Australia to the other.  By the fourth set, Marcos had the look of a man who couldn't wait for the match to be over.  Meanwhile, Federer hadn't broken a sweat.  He is so superior to his peers, in terms of physical conditioning and skill level, it is incredible to watch him compete.  He is 24 years old, and he has won 7 of the last 11 grand slam events.  He has won 52 consecutive hard court matches.  If you are ever passing through the channels on an idle Sunday, and you come upon a Roger Federer match, you really should spend a few minutes watching.  No one will admit the truth yet, because of the unwritten rules associated with crowning a new king, but I never have a problem throwing out the old and ushering in the new.  Roger Federer is the best tennis player we have ever seen.  "But he has no rivals.  There is no one to challenge him, " tennis fans complain.  I want to thank them for helping to prove my point.  There is a reason that young Roger has no challengers.
 
And speaking of challengers, Eldrick Woods has plenty. The problem is, none of them are capable of churning out pars on this country's most elite courses.  When Tiger Woods is old and gray, and the record books are sealed, and his trophies are collecting dust, fans will remember the dominant tournaments.  They will remember him making eagles at Firestone, stringing together birdies at Pebble Beach, and conquering the Blue Monster at Doral.  As for me, I will remember days like yesterday.  The days that Tiger didn't have anything close to his "A" game, but won anyway.  Sunday's script has been played out many times: Phil Mickelson and Sergio Garcia are perfectly positioned to finally beat Tiger.  Tiger misses some fairways early and drops a few shots.  Mickelson takes the outright lead by 1 shot.  Tiger makes a birdie to draw closer.  Sergio implodes by missing several 3-footers.  Mickelson makes consecutive bogies.  Tiger makes another late birdie, in this case to force a playoff, and then he carries onward, methodically recording pars and waiting for the rest of his competitors (Green and Olazabal) to falter.  There is a reason that Tiger Woods is 9-1 all-time in sudden death playoffs.  In addition to his mental toughness, the man refuses to make the big mistake.  Mickelson often misses the must-have 5-footers on Sundays.  Woods never misses those putts. 
 
On Sunday, Roger and Tiger looked mortal.  Federer dropped the first set with lackluster serves and numerous unforced errors.  But he executed a wide array of shots late in the match, and he grinded away until Baghdatis had nothing left.  Woods missed 50% of the fairways and never made a putt outside of 8 feet.  It didn't matter.  When you are the best that ever lived, you don't need to be at your best to win.  That's what separates them from the rest.  That's what makes them must-see TV.  Whenever I watch them compete, I know I will see something special.  I know I will witness history.
 
I do not like to watch tennis on TV, but I would watch Federer play for hours.  If Tiger isn't involved in the chase on Sundays, I have no interest in watching golf.  But that is why he is Tiger Woods.  His game captivates me.  He hits wayward tee shots in the same way that all of us do.  But somehow, he always finds a way to recover.  He always finds a way to get up and down to save par.  Out of respect to Mr. Sampras and Mr. Nicklaus, we aren't allowed to say it yet, but we know it is on everyone's mind.  These two are the best that ever lived.  In an age where parity is at an all-time high in professional sports, these men stand heads and shoulders above their peers.  We should never make another list without Roger and Tiger.

 

posted 1:37 pm on 1/27/06 by Jeff Tinker

Supplement to Mr. Kenna's List

Great list.  Definitely the Top 5, but I will add a few other athletes who I wish I would have been alive to see.

 
Secretariat---He was mentioned in the list and if you were going to have #5A, he should be it.  Secretariat was so much better than any horse that ran before or after him, it is silly.  He ran the Kentucky Derby in under 2 minutes.  No one else has ever come close.  He won the Belmont Stakes by 31 lengths (1/16 of a mile ahead of the rest of the field in a 1.5 mile race)!  His heart was 2 and a half times the size of a normal equine heart (This allowed him to run each of the 12 furlongs at Belmont faster than the one before.  Try to digest that for a second.  It is completely insane and difficult to do even when driving a car.).  The average horse's stride is 15 feet.  Secretariat's was 25.  His jockey never whipped him, even once, during his career.  The horse was on auto pilot because he was just that much faster than his contemporaries.
 
Wilt Chamberlain---We could talk about his gaudy numbers.  He averaged 50 points and 25 rebounds per game for an entire season!  He dropped 100 points in one game; playing in such dominant fashion that the other team left the court with 45 seconds left in the game.  But I prefer to point to the fact that Wilt rewrote rule books, not just the record books.  He was the reason that the 3-second rule was invented.  He was the reason that the lane was widened.  He was the reason that shooter's cannot cross the free throw line until the ball hits the rim (Wilt used to jump from the free throw and tip in his own misses, or just dunk them back!).  There have been better basketball players, but no one else was as far ahead of their peers as Wilt.  He made the NBA change the rules to make it more fair for the other players.  That is dominance. 
 
Jim Brown---Arguably, the best lacrosse player and football player ever.  Dick Schapp was unfortunate enough to be playing goalie against Jim Brown in a collegiate athletic contest.  Schapp said, "Brown took 8 shots that day.  The first went over my head and I never saw it.  The next 7 were all goals."  Jim Brown also averaged 1 touchdown per game in his NFL career (that is good).  And he retired from pro football at the age of 29, to pursue acting and women.  Who knows how many TDs he could have scored?
 
Muhammad Ali---Ali not only revolutionized boxing, he revolutionized sports.  He played defense!  What a novel concept!  At a time when athletes were glorified for offensive explosions, Ali's "rope-a-dope" style not only helped him defeat the legendary George Forman, it ushered in a new era in athletics where intelligence, planning and DEFENSE could help athletes defeat more talented foes.  If the Ali/Foreman fight is ever on ESPN Classic when you are flipping through channels, you really should watch it.  Ali was like a piece of steel.  Foreman landed about 300 punches, but still lost the fight because he couldn't lift his arms to protect his face in the 12th round.  Also, Ali's brash antics set the stage for TO, Chad Johnson, Barry Bonds, Shaq, Kobe, Manny being Manny, and the circus that is Ron Artest.  Before Ali, athletes were just athletes.  Ali made athletes entertainers.

 

posted 8:41 am on 1/27/06 by Jeff Tinker

Bode's 15 Minutes

I arrived at my desk this morning, and did what I always do while I wait for the day's business to commence: I clicked on www.bottomlineguys.com!  Yesterday, none of us had anything to say.  Although, in fairness, the days before were quite busy.  With The Bachelor heating up, and Kobe doing his best Michael Jordan impersonation, we had a lot on our plates.  But we can't let 2 days pass without entries, so I clicked on www.espn.go.com to look for ideas.  I didn't have to search long.  The third headline read "Bode Miller: Bonds, Lance 'knowingly cheating'."  We have a winner!

 
As I have said in the past, I don't really like Bode Miller, but I will say one thing for him: he never lacks intrigue.  The guy completely amazes me.  He is the self-proclaimed best skier in the world, although he has never won a gold medal.  In fact, this year, he has participated in 5 slalom races and has been disqualified from 3 of them.  I would describe that as a conservative effort.  He has stated that he doesn't care about winning a gold medal.  Again, I would consider this statement interesting.  Bode likes to ski drunk.  What can you really say about that?  And now, he has the audacity to call out the greatest hitter that ever lived (hopefully that sparks another debate) and the greatest endurance athlete that ever lived.  I haven't had this many questions since I walked out of Brokeback Mountain.
 
Bode, everyone knows that Bonds and Lance probably used performance enhancing drugs.  In fairness to both of them, they have never tested positive, so you can't really accuse them of anything.  If I had to guess, I would say that Barry, at the age of 42, does not weigh 240 pounds with 3% body fat without a little help from his doctors, but then again, who knows?  The man hits 600-foot home runs and he chokes up on the bat.  I don't know anyone else who does that either.  I am not sure what "oxygenating" your blood entails, or if it is effective, but I am sure Lance has at least experimented with it.  That said, these guys are really good at what they do.  Don't call them out in the media; especially if you are about 86 clicks to the left of them in terms of domination in your sport.  Seriously, what can we expect next from Bode Miller?  I can only hope that his next move is to suggest that Terrell Owens would have been a better choice than Jake Gyllenhaal to play Jack Twist. 
 
I realize that Bode grew up in some ultra-liberal, electricity-deprived hut in Vermont.  And I realize that Olympic athletes only get a chance to be in the limelight once every 4 years.  But honestly, I have had enough.  Win a gold medal, Bode.  Heck, you sound so talented, why don't you win 2 or 3 gold medals, and then you can go on every talk show in the country and tell us your ideas for drug testing, improving professional sports, Social Security, curing cancer and solving the conflict in Iraq.  Win, Bode.  Just win.  And then you can go and Punk Ashton Kutcher, or do whatever it is you do. 
 
Can someone help me out here?  Is it possible for someone to explain why Bode Miller believes himself to be the world's authority on everything?  Who would win in a fight between Bode and Barry?  Lance?  Why are all the girls that snowboard absurdly hot?  Why hasn't Danny Sells written a blog entry detailing his exploits with snowboarding chicks?  Is Danny stuck in a snowdrift somewhere near Golden, Colorado?  Are the 2006 Miami Heat on the verge of becoming the biggest group of underachievers ever?  Is Pat Riley aware that Shaq still plays for them?  Why did Doug Collins dye his hair blonde?  Why am I still typing?

 

posted 8:57 am on 1/24/06 by Jeff Tinker

Susan, Sarah and Moana Beware: This is the Age of the Underdog

I am sure everyone and their mother watched the Bachelor last night.  It is, after all, the best show on television.  And I have a feeling that most of America woke up this morning thinking that it has become a three babe race for Travis' heart.  Surely, none of the other girls have grabbed Dr. Stork's attention the same way that Susan, Sarah and Moana have.  Right?  Well, if you believe that, than you haven't been paying attention to recent trends in the sporting world.

 
Let's take a quick review of the last 2 years.
 
Graduation Party 2004 (Chateau Mandel):  Jeff Tinker makes the following statement to Dave Mandel.  "I think there is a better chance of the Pistons beating the Lakers than there is of one of these nags running down Smarty Jones in the stretch.  I don't think either will lose, but Smarty is going to win by 20 lengths."
 
Well, Birdsong and Chauncey Billups had other ideas.
 
"Until Satan turns up the thermostat, there is no way the Red Sox come back from a 3-0 deficit to beat the Yankees.  With a Game 7 at Yankee stadium no less!!!!" 
 
Someone please refresh my memory, what happened again?
 
And what happened in the World Series the following year?  Yankees vs. Cardinals?  No.  The Chicago White Sox and the Houston Astros!  The same Astros that destroyed numerous Roger Clemens 5 inning lines because they were unable to score even a single run!
 
"USC has the best cast of stars college football has ever seen.  Texas is great, but they're going to lose by two touchdowns." 
 
One show-stopping performance later, the Sports Illustrated cover jinx lives on.
 
So what do all these upsets have to do with Travis and his band of scintillating beauties?  Ladies and Gentlemen, we are living in the age of the underdog.  Enter Tara.
 
There is no question that Susan, Sarah and Moana are the frontrunners.  Just like Smarty Jones, they have the pedigree, the legs, and plenty of curves in the right places.  But, as a wise man once told me, "The hardest part of the race comes at the end."  Each time Tara, our underdog, survives another rose ceremony, she gets one step closer to running down Smarty Jones in the stretch.  Tara is doing everything wrong.  She interrupts Travis' alone time with the other girls, she acts immature (she is 10 years younger than Travis) and she is always over served.  Now, while I believe Travis is truly attempting to find his soul mate, he is a human being.  Despite being the best looking person on the show (I think I am falling more and more in love with him each time he tears his shirt off), he still puts his pants on one leg at a time, and he is distracted by the appetites of the flesh.  Travis and I do not see eye to eye when it comes to types of women that we find physically attractive.  If you want to keep a girl around for physical attributes, I would have selected Kristen, but Travis' type is short and slender with a virginal, yet naughty, personality.  This is the only way to explain why Tara is still on the show.
 
You can tell that Travis wants to cut Tara, but he just can't bring himself to do it.  As my roommate, Matt, said last night after Tara got her rose, "We have a stage 5 clinger!"  Travis has watched Wedding Crashers one too many times and he can't get the image of Tara tying him to the bed and having her way with him out of his mind.  I can't say that I blame him because every single one of us spends Monday nights dreaming about the same scenario.  Travis' situation is even tougher because these girls are touching him and begging him to let them have his children.
 
Smarty Jones found out that any strong, young Thoroughbred can run a mile and three-eighths.  But that last eighth of a mile at Belmont is not for the faint of heart.  On the Bachelor, the one-on-one over night dates better not be your first time at the fair.  I have a feeling our underdog has been to the fair more than a few times.  In fact, I think she knows exactly where to find the best fried dough.  I don't think Tara is going to win Travis' heart.  However, if she can stay alive until the over night dates, this one is over!  Done!  Finished!  If she gets Travis in bed, Tara will be the one showing up at the final rose ceremony to tell Chris the results.  "Sorry, Chris.  Sorry, Susan.  No roses will be given out tonight.  Travis is still tied up in his bedroom, sound asleep. I won!  And I didn't even have to stuff a sock in his mouth."
 
Dr. Stork comes off as being mature and serious.  But let's face it.  If Tara gets him alone, he won't remember Sarah's name.  Did anyone see how Tara was "backin' it up" on him during their boat ride.  After her little dance, Travis and his inflatable shorts couldn't get in the water fast enough (I imagine that is the last thing you want to have happen on national television). 
 
Moana knows how to play the game, and she has plenty under the hood.  Sarah is so adorable, Travis can't control himself in her presence.  Susan is the consensus favorite right now because she rates 25 on the hotness scale and she has just the right amount of sweet personality.  But Tara is the wildcard.  She wants Travis.  Badly!  And she is not afraid to let everyone know.  She will barge in on his alone time, grind her bikini-clad body against him in front of the rest of the girls and do whatever it takes to get that handsome doctor alone in his boxer briefs.
 
Smarty Jones and his 8-1 career record are quite impressive, but when Birdsong pinned his ears back and ran, no one else equaled his stamina.
 
Our boy, Travis, is in trouble.  And I don't think there is anything he can do about it.

 

posted 1:54 pm on 1/23/06 by Jeff Tinker

Responding to Greatness

I would like to say several things in response to my friends from Chicago.

 
---Michael Jordan is great.  He is probably the most dominant athlete of all-time (save for Lennox Lewis, but that is an argument for another day).
 
---Kobe has been dropping 45 points every game for the past month. He is ridiculous.  This stretch is something that even Jordan did not accomplish too often, if at all.  It is more than just one game against the Raptors.  He is killing everybody!  Just enjoy the show.
 
---Early in Jordan's career, he forced a lot of shots.  And he should have!  He was great, and he was the guy that should have been taking the shots.  Kobe has to shoot 40 times a game for them to have a chance to win.  Jordan had a lot of 35-40 shot nights too.
 
---As silly as it sounds, Cartwright, Longley, Armstrong and Paxson were all quite a bit better than the scrubs that Kobe plays with.  Odom is decent, but he is probably best described as the worst good player in NBA history.  You will never find yourself saying, "Wow.  It is a good thing Lamar Odom is on the team."  But people often found themselves saying, "Wow.  Another clutch shot by Paxson!"  And Charles Oakley, Horace Grant and Scottie Pippen, even early in their careers, were a hell of a lot better than Chris Mihm, Kwame Brown and Brian Cook.  Pippen is one of the 50 greatest players of all-time!  The supporting cast argument isn't even close.  The 2006 Lakers are terrible and they are saved only by the fact that they have the greatest coach of all-time and the greatest player of the post-Jordan era.  Both Kobe and MJ benefited from playing alongside Ron Harper too.  Harper was one of the most underrated players of all-time.  Jordan truly carried Chicago (as much as one player can) when they won their first 3 titles, but he had a lot of help for the next 3: Rodman, Pippen, Harper, Kerr, Kukoc and the immortal Brian Williams (aka Bison Dele, who started for Detroit the following season and averaged 15 and 10) is one nasty team.  When Jordan took time off to play baseball, Chicago still made it to the Conference Semi-Finals without him!  Please don't tell Nike, but that is significant!
 
---We will probably never come to a consensus on this, but it sure is a lot of fun to discuss.

 

posted 9:47 am on 1/23/06 by Jeff Tinker

He is Like Mike

I think we can all take our caps off now.  I think we can all stand up and recognize.  I think it is safe for all of us to get the negativity out of our minds.  It is safe to lean back, crack a smile and say "You know what?  This guy can really play."  It is safe to rule Steve Nash out of the MVP discussion for this year.  In fact, it is safe to give out the MVP award right now.  It is safe to extend the comparisons past T-Mac and LeBron.  He can be compared to MJ.  

 
In the past, it was sacrilegious to suggest that anyone could compare to Michael Jordan.  MJ was in a class by himself.  MJ was the one who did things we never thought possible.  MJ was the one that made the game about defense.  MJ was the one who restored glory to Team USA.  MJ was the one who won a record 6 NBA Finals MVP awards.  No more past tense.  MJ has company.
 
I can't decide if the 81 points he dropped last night was the culmination of a month-long stretch of domination, or if it was just a glimpse of what we have to look forward to in the next 5 years.  Unfortunately for the rest of the NBA, I believe it might be the latter.  He's not going away anytime soon.  In fact, I think he's just getting started.  
 
The knock against him has always been that he has shot too much: too many bad shots, too many 3-pointers, too many fadeaways.  But in reality, who do you want shooting?  Him?  Or Smush Parker?  As of this morning, only Wilt Chamberlain has played a more dominant NBA game. 
 
All the Jordan supporters will point to the fact that he only has 3 rings, and MJ has 6.  "Let's talk when he wins a few more rings.  And Jordan never had Shaq to help him," they might say.  These Jordan worshippers would be correct.  While Jordan's Bulls were better from top to bottom than this decade's Lakers, Shaq was a dominant force that Jordan never had the luxury of playing alongside.  Still, I think he stacks up favorably in a debate with MJ because of the ways in which the game has changed.  When Jordan dominated the NBA, he scored tons of points by posting up smaller guards.  Who was Jordan's nemesis?  John Starks.  Starks was 6 '3.  Now, Starks would hardly be considered a defensive stopper next to the giraffes that patrol the NBA's perimeters.  At 6 '6, he is average height in the modern game, and yet, he still dominates the game.  He dominates the game with more finesse than MJ did, and with a few more jumpshots, but he is dominant nonetheless.  Jordan would still be great if he started playing today, but I have a feeling he would be shooting a lot more perimeter jumpers, and he would have a lot more 10 for 30 shooting nights.
 
He will never get the same credit Michael did.  Both men were bad husbands, but when MJ got caught with his hand in the cookie jar, there were no rape allegations.  The Air Apparent was not so lucky.  Perhaps MJ deserves more credit because he came first?  The young stars in today's NBA should write thank you letters to Mike.  He paved the way for the monstrous salaries and celebrity status that comes with the tag "NBA all-star".  And for now, Michael has no need to worry.  It will take a lot more 81 point efforts before anyone will put him on the same level as Michael.  And in the meantime, he will have a lot of 10 for 30 nights, forcing shots, and trying to carry the NBA's least talented team to the playoffs.  Each time he misfires, all his critics will have the same response: "He put himself in this situation.  He is the one who forced Shaq out of town."  The neigh Sayers may be right, but you have to admit, this guy can play!  In fact, his game might be the best we have ever seen.
 
He is not a great teammate.  He is to blame for the fact that he now finds himself on a team with a rag tag bunch of D-list NBA talent.  He is playing better than any other NBA player, now or in the past, would be playing on the 2006 Lakers.  He is the only player in league history that could have this team looking like it is playoff caliber.  He is playing at the same level, if not a slightly higher level, than the one at which MJ would be playing if he were in his prime right now.  He is far and away the best player in the league, and will be until LeBron figures out how to play this game.  And when King James does figure out how to play, sportswriters won't compare him to Michael Jordan.  They will compare him to Kobe Bryant.

 

posted 10:23 am on 1/18/06 by Jeff Tinker

We Fly. We Party. We Land.

I am writing today's entry with a heavy heart.  As you know, bad movies are one of my guilty pleasures.  Unfortunately, I woke up this morning with the realization that I will never again see a movie as bad as the one I saw last night.  Most people strongly dislike bad movies, but not me.  Much like legendary Caddyshack playboy, Ty Webb, I find subtle perfection in everything around me; especially, bad movies.  Antonio Gates plays the position of tight end so well, I am not even sure if it is fair to discuss who might be the NFL's second best tight end.  This is the same way I feel about Soul Plane.  It is so far superior to every other bad movie, it is inappropriate to even suggest that a close second exists.

 
Let's examine why "We Fly. We Party. We Land." has become the greatest slogan in bad movie history, and why Soul Plane will always have a special place in the pantheon of bad cinema. 
 
The airline owner: The movie has no discernible plot, so you don't need much background to get the gist of things.  But you should know that the story begins with a young black man winning a 100 million dollar court settlement and buying his own airline.  Naturally, this is not just any airline.  "NWA", as it is called, specializes in providing an enjoyable flight for its passengers.  Among the amenities on the plane, there is a dance floor (with a full bar and a music video set in the middle with Little John belting out awe-inspiring verses such as "Yeah!  Yeah!"), a first class section resembling a strip club, a 'low class' section resembling a 1960s bus where Popeye's Chicken is the only entree being served, and the largest airplane bathroom in history complete with its own bathroom attendant.  As you can see, this airline owner is not messing around.  And of course, he is chasing after a girl.  It's a movie, so there has to be a girl (unless your last name is Twist or Delmar).
 
The pilot: This one is kind of a no-brainer, but Snoop Dogg is commissioned to fly the plane.  He is at his best in this movie (although his performance as Huggy Bear in Starsky and Hutch is also Top Ten), lacing each statement with profanity and each meal with narcotics.  Snoop is given up for dead in the latter stages of the film after ingesting 17 African grown mushrooms (apparently, 16 is his limit), although he ultimately comes back to life.  As an experienced viewer of bad films, this is where I truly begin to enjoy the film and allow its deeper meaning to enrich my thoughts.  Several questions come to mind as the 'shrooms get the better of Snoop.  First, how on earth do these drugs come into existence?  Who was the first person who said, "You know what, this stuff that keeps growing out of the ground is really kickin'!  We should ingest as much of this as possible because it is totally messing me up!"  Then again, why would someone ever start rolling things and smoking them?  (I am not sure where I was really going with that, but this next question actually makes sense.)  How do mushrooms grow in Africa?  Whenever I see mushrooms growing in their natural environment, it is always in a plush, green area, often after rain showers.  What part of Africa is suited for this kind of vegetation?  I have no idea.  It probably doesn't matter anyway.  What matters is the fact that Snoop Dogg is hilarious.  I never want to see anyone else play a pilot except for him. 
 
The flight attendants:  There are three of them.  One of them is a black female who deadpans, "Wear your seatbelt, or you gon' die," as well as I have ever seen.  The other is a black male who "plays for the other team". (See, this is why it is a great movie.  Has anyone ever been on a flight that didn't have a gay flight attendant?  I, personally, have not.)  The third stewartist is the Latin sex goddess, Sofia Vergara.  I would go into detail about her role in the movie, but you can probably guess.  Sofia is one of my favorites because I have a concrete way of telling that she is actually one of the hottest women alive.  Whenever I mention to Dave, "Wow.  That girl is really hot.", he sarcastically responds with, "Yes, Jeff.  I know.  I know."  But whenever I say, "Hey, Sofia Vergara was on E last night," he responds with, "Really?  She is smokin'."  Ultimately, Sofia saves the day with Captain Snoop in an unconscious state.  Remembering that she once had sex with a pilot during landing, Sofia recreates the scene with Method Man in order to find the the correct buttons.  By the time she twists into her fourth different position, her hands hit the jackpot and the plane can now begin to descend.  How about that as a bonus?  Sofia performing an impromptu Sex Ed class!  With Method Man of all people!  This movie is so incredibly genius, I wish I had thought of it myself.
 
The bathroom attendent:  This plane actually has a man in the bathroom to assist the passengers.  Unlike conventional bathrooms, this one has no stalls, so the attendant actually watches the passengers take care of their business.  By the way, why do bathroom attendants exist?  Is it that hard to get soap on your hands, wash them, and then remove a towel from the dispenser and dry yourself?  Do we actually need people to help us with this?  And regardless of wear you are, why is it ever necessary to increase the number of people who are watching each other pee?  It has always seemed to me that the attendant just makes for a more crowded bathroom.  The attendant and his duties in the film are 14 clicks to the left of strange, but he helps set the table for the must-have component of all bad movies: the violent bowel movement scene.
 
Violent dumps:  All the great bad movies have had great bathroom scenes.  Austin Powers had one of the best, featuring Mike Meyers and Tom Arnold (keep this in mind).  American Pie had the best diarrhea scene ever with Eddie Kaye Thomas clinging to gastro-intestinal life support in a women's bathroom.  Well, it is time to start erecting a new wing in the Great Bathroom Scenes Hall of Fame.  This movie has not one, but two, ferocious bowel movements!  First, the airline owner discovers the pitfalls of suction in airplane toilets while he is clearing some beef stroganoff out of his system.  This one is complete with yelling and bargaining with God (in my mind, these are the best kind).  The second scene features Tom Arnold biting his lip and "giving it hell" while the restroom attendant encourages him and shuffles through his CD collection to find some inspirational music.  By the way, Tom Arnold is the only white male in the movie, and he shows us why he is the one of the best bad actors in the business.  Tom understands that bowel movements are funny if two things are present: noise and urgency.  Using the restroom, in and of itself, is not that funny.  But when you see someone hurrying to the bathroom with a "If there is a line, I will crap in my pants" look on his face, you can't help but laugh (I know this better than anyone because 80% of my trips to the bathroom are made in a state of urgency).  Also of note, Tom Arnold's character has a 17 year old daughter in the movie.  She is played by Arielle Kebbel, who happens to be the 95th hottest woman on the planet (as voted by Maxim magazine).  Just keep her name in mind.  Do you remember how I had the feeling about the enormous potential that Rachel McAdams showed in Mean Girls?  I am getting the same feeling about Arielle.  I don't think she has the same dramatic range as McAdams, and this bodes well for bad movie lovers everywhere.  I expect to see her on a lot more silver screens in a lot of really short skirts.
 
Soul Plane made me chuckle because it was complete with lots of inappropriate comments about racial stereotypes, sex and bathroom visits.  It has a host of characters that play their roles with the kind of subtle perfection that would make Ty Webb smile.  (Did I mention that one of the characters is a blind pervert that resembles a middle-aged Ray Charles?)  No one reading this will take the time to see the movie, and that's completely fine with me.  This entry served its purpose: it entertained me.  But the next time you sit down at a movie theatre, and Arielle Kebbel starts talking dirty to Owen Wilson, don't say I didn't warn you. 

 

posted 9:23 am on 1/17/06 by Jeff Tinker

Hats off to Bill Russell, Dan Clarin, and a whole lot of hotties

---Bill Russell is still having an impact on the NBA even though he hasn't suited up for decades.  The love fest between Shaq and Kobe last night had nothing to do with Martin Luther King.  Bill Russell met with Shaq a few days ago and told him that it was time to end his feud with Kobe.  Hats off, Bill!  Sometimes, sportsmanship does matter, and it is good to see a well-respected member of pro basketball's elitest fraternity setting an example.  And hats off to Shaq for following through on the advice.  If two guys were part of one of the greatest teams in the history of sports, they should probably at least be on speaking terms.  (By the way, Kobe is putting together one of those historic Jordanesque seasons where nobody in the league can even come close to defending him.  The past two games, his prop bet was over/under 37.5 points!  That is crazy!  The smart thing would be to bet the under, but you can't do it in good conscience because he can have an average game and score 40!)

 
---Dan, I never doubted you for a moment.  As predicted, the triple whoppers had no chance.  Tom Brady has an occasional bad game, but not Dan Clarin!
 
---I cannot say it enough:  It is remarkable how good The Bachelor is.  As television goes, it is one of the most well-conceived (and well-endowed) shows I have ever seen.  From what I have seen so far, Travis Stork is actually attempting to find a wife, or at least a girlfriend, on this show.  Usually, it is just a hook-up fest, so it is nice to see someone actually putting some effort into selecting females that he likes, instead of the traditional routine: "Face?  9.5.  Curves?  10.  Legs?  9.8.  Ok, you get a rose."  So far, I think Travis has handled things almost perfectly.  He seems like a great guy, and I am really jealous of the fact that he has great hair and a physique that allows him to fit into all pants designed by major clothing manufacturers.  Although, I question two things.  First, it strikes me as somewhat odd that he is so much older than these girls.  Sara is smokin' hot, but she is 23.  Travis is 33.  When he was sitting in Club Sadler and throwing back shots with Eric Schauer, these girls were 10 years old!  That is a significant age gap, which makes me think that Travis may struggle to find his soul mate in this group of teenie boppers.  Then again, being ridiculously hot cures many ills, so maybe I am dead wrong on this one.  Secondly (and this is really the only noticeable mistake he has made thus far), it is a little too early to send home the tall blonde with the enormous rack.  I know Travis is thinking that he should only keep the girls who he may potentially marry, and it is clear that Kristen was a little too crazy during their individual date, but 8 roses still provide enough room to keep 1 or 2 wild cards.  Kristen was the wild card in the bunch, and she should still be on the show.  Even if you have no intention of giving her the final rose, what's the worst thing that can happen if you keep her for a few more rounds?  She gets desperate and tears her shirt off?  Why would this be a bad thing?  If her milkshake doesn't bring the boys to the yard, then I don't know what would.  Other than that, Dr. Stork is in the zone right now and has forced me to bump Speed Williams off my list of "Dudes I Would Trade Places With For One Day."
 
---I think Glory Road is a solid movie, and every basketball fan should see it.  The 1965 Men's Basketball National Championship game was truly a landmark event for College sports and it is fantastic that fans are now given an opportunity to understand what actually transpired that season.  Most impressive of all is the fact that Louis Dampier and Pat Riley played an entire season of college basketball without ever allowing one strand of hair to fall out of place.  That feat will never be duplicated.

 

posted 8:39 am on 1/13/06 by Jeff Tinker

Triple Whopper + Triple Whopper = Crazy Delicious

Here are my thoughts for today:

---First of all, why is Michelle Wie playing in PGA events?  What is she proving?  Mr. Kenna, please help me out here.  Why doesn't she try winning an LPGA event before she starts playing on the Men's Tour?  Better yet, why not win an LPGA major first?  Demonstrate that you have mastered one level before moving to the next.  Shooting +9 on a PGA course only shows that she is not as good as the guys.  I already know this.  Michelle doesn't need to keep showing up at these events to prove this to me.  She may get there one day, but she is not there yet.  So, until she improves her game, she should play on the LPGA tour and show some dominance there before she ventures to the next level.  I don't see Paula Creamer playing against the guys, and she has already won a few LPGA events.  By the way, is it wrong that I find Paula attractive?  I feel like she could beat me up, but I kind of like that.

 
---Should Bruce Sutter be in the Hall of Fame?  Probably not.  However, I can see why he got the required number of votes.  First, he was unlike the modern-day closers in that he often pitched 2 or 3 innings in an appearance, instead of 1 inning.  I know that Riviera will occasionally throw 2 innings, but that is rare.  Sutter often served as middle reliever and closer.  More importantly, when he retired, he had the third most saves in major league history.  That is pretty impressive, and in and of itself, probably warrants strong consideration for the Hall.  Also, he is the first non-starter elected to the Hall of Fame.  To me, this is basically paving the way for guys like Mariano to make their way into the Hall.  It provides a frame of reference.  When Mariano gets inducted, he can point to guys like Sutter and mention how they helped shape the position of closer in major league baseball.  Sutter's induction is a way of updating the history of the MLB that lies within Cooperstown's hallways.  I feel like I will have a discussion like this when Robert Horry becomes eligible for basketball's Hall of Fame.  Should Horry be selected based on conventional standards?  No.  Would I vote for him?  Absolutely.
 
----Should Sammy Sosa be in the Hall of Fame?  Again, this is a tough one, and I can clearly see arguments for both sides.  His batting average (.274 career) and on-base percentage (.345) leave something to be desired, and he strikes out quite a bit.  Steroids clearly had a huge impact on his career, and he only speaks English when it is convenient for him, so I think he will ultimately leave a bad taste in voters' mouths.  However, Sammy would get my vote because of the massive power numbers he put up during his career.  He has 588 homers right now, and I have a feeling he will reach 600 before his career is over.  I know  that the current generation of baseball players have experienced some inflated power statistics because of steroids, juiced balls and expansion-induced poor pitching staffs, but 600 home runs still jumps off the page.  They use the word "fame" for a reason.  There aren't too many players in this era that are more famous than Sammy Sosa.  Slammin' Sammy represents much of what is wrong in modern-day professional sports, but he deserves to be in the Hall of Fame.
 
---In a matchup of Daniel Clarin versus two triple whoppers, I would undoubtedly give the nod to Mr. Clarin.  Dan is the greatest pre-2pm eater that I know.  Any meal served as breakfast, brunch, or lunch has absolutely no chance against him (He is one of only 3 living members of the Stack Club. If you don't know what the stack is, then you haven't been to Colorado.  If you are ever in Colorado, just mention Dan Clarin's name and you will find out).  Although in this matchup, even if the burgers are consumed at night, I still like Clarin's chances.  14 minutes and those whoppers will be gone.  Hats off, DC.  You will always be remembered as one of the all-time greats.

 

posted 2:42 pm on 1/11/06 by Jeff Tinker

It's a Bear

Mr. Kenna has brought up some very interesting, thought-provoking issues in the past few days.  Here are my thoughts as I sift through his brilliant work.

---In an eating contest, I think it would be extremely difficult to defeat a bear.  I will save Dan, Danny and Dave the agony of me rehashing the "Grizzly Bear defeats 135-pound Asian Man" story from Man vs Beast Part I.  I think we can all see that a 135-pound man has no chance of defeating a bear in any sort of eating contest.  As for the wolf, I could see where such a prodigious eater could pose a challenge to the bear, but in the end, IT'S A BEAR!  Grizzly bears weight 2,000 pounds.  How much does a wolf weigh???  125?  160?  Maybe?  It is quite impressive to hear that a wolf can devour an entire deer at one sitting, but to defeat a creature that outweighs you by 1900 pounds is a task that is probably too much even for a starving wolf.  Also of note, the typical bear hibernates.  Just imagine how much the bear likely eats before he sleeps for 3 months!  I am guessing that is one incredible buffet!  I give the nod to the bear.

 
---January is one of the worst months of the year in the Northeastern United States (and in Midwestern cities like Chicago).  No question about it.  Although, it is the only month of the year where you can sit on your couch and watch Eli Manning dazzle the National Football League with some of the most innovative throws the sport has ever seen.  "What part of that route did he think was open?", came from the mouth of Mr. Mandel several times on Sunday.  He was right in questioning Eli's judgment, and I will be correct in questioning Eli's behavior before his rookie year.  How, in the name of God and Giselle Bundchen, can you tell the world that you are too good to play in a "small" market like San Diego and then go out and lay an egg in your first playoff game?  Someone please explain that to me.  If you are a big enough star to demand that you be placed in the nation's largest media market, it would probably be a good idea to play like one.  Just a thought.  Dan Clarin can hit me in the hands with a 10-yard slant and Eli Manning can't manage to connect with the three giraffes he has in his receiving core.  Ridiculous!
 
---Kudos to Frank Beemer and Virginia Tech for parting ways with Marcus Vick.  He has gotten completely out of control, and it is nice to see one of these institutions stand for something other than simply winning football games.  Bobby Bowden should take notes.  By the way, why would someone bring a gun to McDonald's?  There's a Dollar Menu, Marcus.
 
---Bode Miller will certainly help ratings during the Olympics.  I will definitely watch now.  And I don't really care if he navigates the slopes after a few drinks because I am hoping that he hits a tree at 100mph.  Suggesting that you "don't care" about winning a gold medal is not only ridiculous, it is downright un-American!  If I had anything to do with that team, he wouldn't be on it.  Go start your rebel ski tour, Bode.  And make sure you drink a lot and take tons of drugs (That's what tough, cool guys do!).  In fact, I hope every other pot smoking, spaced-out wanna-be-hippie with skies or a snowboard goes and joins him.  The whole thing is ridiculous!
 
---Unfortunately, I missed the premier of the Bachelor, but I fully intend on watching each show from here on out.  The concept is one of the best in television history.

 

posted 2:24 pm on 1/9/06 by Jeff Tinker

I Finally Got Lucky

 
Twelve months ago, I embarked on a journey that every man must face at one time or another during his life.  I knew what I wanted, and I thought that finding it would be quite simple.  I could not have been more wrong.  What transpired in the months that followed is not only shocking, it is also indicative of cultural trends facing the average American male in this new century.  I had no idea that it would be so difficult to find happiness.  This is the land of opportunity, is it not?  Unfortunately, my simple problem did not have a simple solution.  All I wanted was a new pair of jeans.
 
I have never been small.  Even when I was born, people in the delivery room remarked, "Wow.  He has big paws!  Like a puppy!"  Being compared to an animal at birth is not very flattering, but I backed up the hype when I began eating solid food at 4 weeks (the doctor told my parents that I shouldn't have solid food until 6 months, but the formula wasn't satisfying my hunger, so Mr. and Mrs. Tinker kicked it up a notch by adding cereal).  I do not remember a time when I didn't need 3 digits to list my weight.  In fact, I honestly don't remember the last time I weighed less than 200 pounds.  These days, I marvel at the stick figures I see patrolling the paint in college basketball games, or the "monstrous 225-pound tailbacks" that hit the holes in college and professional football.  Big Bad Lendale White is an awful lot faster and quite a bit more muscular than a mere mortal like myself, but if we stood next to each other, he might be surprised to notice that I am noticeably bigger.  I am 6' 2, and first thing in the morning, I weigh 235 pounds.  If I have eaten, I weigh 238.  Why am I tooting the horns of David and Rebecca Tinker for producing such a strapping, yet overweight, young man?  Well, jean companies don't exactly produce pants for people like me.
 
When I began my search for a new pair of jeans, I was quite surprised to find that the style of jeans had changed in the three years since I bought my last pair (I don't shop very often).  And while I am larger than the average human, I see plenty of people who are a fair bit bigger than me walking around this planet.  6' 2 235 isn't that uncommon, is it?  Well, guess what?  It must be a very unique body type!  I walked into every jean store, save for Farm and Tractor (although I was close to trying it), and I had the same results in each place.  Whether it was J. Crew, Gap, or Abercrombie Fitch, I tried on countless pairs of jeans that all missed the mark.  The common theme?  Men's jeans are now cut the same way women's jeans are.  The problem with that lies in the anatomical differences between men and women.  I was always under the impression that your testicles were supposed to go inside your pants.  Call me old-fashioned, but that's how I thought it worked.  Apparently, I am in the minority on that one.  Every pair of jeans I tried on afforded little or no room in the seat, crotch and thighs.  I have always believed that jeans were supposed to be comfortable, and even roomy in most cases.  Not anymore.  If you want to buy a nice pair of men's jeans, you better be prepared to hit that high C with the church choir.  Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the age of the Metrosexual!
 
For me, the straw that broke the camel's back was my trip to the Abercrombie and Mets on Fifth Avenue.  My girlfriend, Katie, was with me to lend her expertise and I felt confident that Abercrombie had to have "relaxed fit" jeans.  Well, I was wrong again.  Their so-called "relaxed fit" jeans were wildly snug!  I even tried the next waste size up, and while I was swimming in the 38s, the seat and crotch were strangling the life out of the future Tinkers.  Does it seem odd to anyone that there would be a man walking around this planet who has a 38 waist and no thighs or butt?  What would that person look like?  Can someone please respond here?  Anyone?  Please!
 
The trip to Abercrombie (or any trip with Katie for that matter) could not be complete without Katie making one comment to further solidify my belief in the arrival of the modern metrosexual and the general way in which women analyze situations.  Katie is the best.  I love her.  But she, as well as the people that are now designing men's jeans, just flat out miss the point.  While I stood frustrated outside the dressing room at Abercrombie, Katie (bless her heart) tried to find a solution.  She pointed in the direction of a man folding shirts near a display.  "Jeff, you need to wear your jeans lower on your hips," she told me.  "Do you see how that guy has his jeans?  That's how you should wear them."  I glanced toward the man folding shirts, envious of his perfectly fitting jeans, and envious of the fact that being homosexual would allow him to avoid the exact kind of situation in which I presently found myself.  This was the kind of situation in which I needed Dave and Dan more than ever.  Why?  Because no one else was there to die laughing next to me.  I am telling you, if Dave Mandel and Dan Clarin heard Katie's comments and saw this Abercrombie employee, they would still be laughing.  The man folding shirts had a frame that differed slightly from mine.  I will be generous with his measurements: 5' 7 135 pounds.  "Katie, dear.  That guy weighs 100 pounds less than I do.  His jeans are riding low on his hips because he stole jeans from my sister and they are still too big for him."  It truly was a perfect event to summarize the 12-month battle I had been fighting.
 
I left the store dejected, and realized that I had one last hope.  I asked my roommate, Matt Baldwin (also a man of immense physical stature), where he bought his last pair of jeans.  He explained that he had purchased them at a store called Lucky.  While it sounded pretty flaming, I was desperate and willing to try anything.  So, on Friday night, I left work and walked uptown, headed toward Lucky Jeans.  I was ready to make my last stand.  Katie was with me again to provide moral support.  We walked into the store and Katie's cell phone rang.  One of her friends was having a hair and clothing emergency.  I knew for the next 15 minutes I would be on my own.  I walked up to a store employee to ask where the relaxed fit jeans might be hiding.  I was quite encouraged, as I happened upon a healthy looking man who had likely seen a weight room since 1986 and who appeared as though he had eaten that day.  This was an immense improvement over Abercrombie.  The night I was there, Abercrombie actually had some of their male models working in the store.  These men are truly gorgeous, don't get me wrong, but they are half my size.  No wonder Abercrombie didn't make any jeans in my size.  I felt like a fat lady walking through Victoria's Secret, when I really should have been buying underwear at Fashion Bug Plus.   Thankfully, the employee at Lucky looked like he enjoyed the company of women and ice cream.  I felt confident.
 
Me: "Hello.  I am looking for men's jeans."
Employee: "How do you like to wear them?"
Me: "Baggy."
Employee: "Follow me."
 
As Katie helped her friend match shoes, handbags and hairstyle, I went to the dressing room and held my breath.  I put the jeans on and smiled.  They fit!  They felt good.  Size 36 with room to breath and room to leave open the possibility of having children one day.  This is great!
 
Me:  "Katie, what do you think?"
Katie (with the phone still to her ear): "No.  No.  Well then don't use the hair iron.  Hold on.  (Looking at my new sexy jeans) Jeff, they look good!"
Me: "Yeah, they feel good.  I don't feel crushed."
 
Finally.  Success!  The year long battle is over.  I will say that even the Lucky Jeans aren't the kind of jeans I remember.  I would prefer the jeans to be a little more comfortable, but these are decent.  Although, I still don't understand why they stopped making men's jeans with pockets.  Men don't carry purses, so I need room for my wallet, keys and cell phone (so I can keep up with the Mets).  My new jeans barely afford the space for those three things.  More importantly, when did men start dressing like women?  I am not saying everyone needs to be fat, like me, but shouldn't men have some substance to their bodies?  And regardless of size, who wants to have their balls in a vice?  I don't understand it.  But then again, every time I hear an early-20s female point at one of the Metropolitan area's finest and say, "Wow.  Look at how cute he is," I realize that maybe those guys are doing something right.  Adopting a more feminine look may actually be advantageous with the ladies.   Either way, I will never get to find out.  I just can't fit into those kind of pants.  I hope Lucky brand jeans are still around in 3 years.

 

posted 9:15 am on 1/5/06 by Jeff Tinker

Vince Gets Things Headed In The Right Direction

 
If Wednesday night's Rose Bowl is any indication, we are in for quite a year of sports!  It is well-documented (and by that, I mean that the 4 people reading this site know) that I was not pleased with 2005.  It was a horrendous year for major sporting events!  Vince Young may have almost single-handedly made sure that 2006 will be better.  At the very least, we have things straightened out for now.
 
I would say that Vince Young's 467 yard monster of a game last night was the best individual effort I have ever seen in a college football game.  I know Reggie Bush did him a few yards better this year by hanging 513 against Fresno St, but Young's effort came on the game's biggest stage, against one of the best team's the sport has ever seen.  It is rare enough to see one athlete carry his team in a basketball game, but to do it in a football game is truly memorable.  Throughout the 4th quarter, Texas had broken play after broken play, and it didn't matter one bit to Vince.  Dave Mandel summed it up best, "Even when there is nothing open, he picks up 8 yards."  The fact that a quarterback could complete 30 of 40 passes for 267 yards and run for 200 yards and 3 touchdowns in the same game, without Dan Clarin controlling him with a joystick, sounds surreal.  Young put the Longhorns on his back and carried them all the way to immortality.  By the end of the game, it had become almost comical watching USC try to tackle him.  I couldn't help but imagine what was going through Young's mind when he took the field with his team trailing 38-33: "Oh, screw it, I'm gonna just run the damn ball myself."  When the Longhorns went for a 2 point conversion on their final play, everyone in the continental United States knew that Young was going to run the ball, and it still didn't matter.  No one was going to keep him out of the end zone. 
 
Just as surprising as Vince's huge effort last night is the fact that we may never hear from him again.  I don't see too many spread offenses in the NFL, and I don't see too many quarterbacks who flick the ball instead of throwing it.  In the next few months, we will hear about how he is a "bigger and better" Michael Vick.  One clear difference is that Vick has a cannon for an arm, and Young does not.  If I were Vince, I would think about gaining 30 pounds and playing tight end.  He is certainly an amazing athlete, and could probably play a number of positions in the NFL.  But, I have certainly been wrong before, and Vince may enjoy a great NFL career (At the very least, he may return for his senior year and terrorize college defenses once again!).    Regardless, I want to say thank you to Mr. Young.  Thank you for starting 2006 the right way.  Thank you for showing us that, once in awhile, it is more fun for the individual to dominate rather than the team.  Once in awhile (when your running backs are only good for fumbling the ball repeatedly) it is pretty special to watch one player take over a game.  Thank you, Vince.  I truly appreciate it. 
 
At this rate, 2006 promises to be a dandy.  Maurice Clarett and Lindsay Lohan are making me look like a genius.  I didn't get the crime correct, but Maurice made my prediction come true on the first day of the year!  Way to go, Maurice!  And Lindsay Lohan is set to appear on this month's Vanity Fair with her assets and eating habits back in order.  If Barry Bonds gets traded to the Yankees, this could be the best year ever.

 

posted 1:19 pm on 1/3/06 by Jeff Tinker

"All We Have Is Brokeback Mountain" And Anne Hathaway

On Friday night, I journeyed to a place where few straight men have ever had the courage and sexual confidence to visit. I went to a movie theatre in Chelsea. I did not just attend any old movie at Chelsea, (there is no other way to describe Chelsea other than to say it is home to more gay men than any other place on earth), I attended Brokeback Mountain...

Brokeback Mountain proved to be two of the most unique hours of my entire life. I sat with a theatre full of gay men and watched them laugh, and ultimately, cry as one of the saddest love stories of our generation unfolded before our eyes. It wasn't the traditional love story, but it had a familiar star-crossed ending. "Boy meets girl" gets replaced by "rugged cowboy meets rugged cowboy," but aside from that it reads very similar to any other romance novel. There are brief moments where you forget that Jack (Jake Gyllenhaal) and Ennis (Heath Ledger) are actually two men instead of man and woman. In the event that hell freezes over and someone reading this actually goes to see this movie, I won't give away too much of the plot. But as you can guess, it isn't exactly acceptable for two cowboys to knock boots with one another, and things don't end well for this couple.

While my fellow audience members were swooning as Jake and Heath engaged in some naked cliff diving (yes, they actually jump off cliffs naked), and plenty of cuddling, I found that the movie also had a treat for the heterosexual male: enter Anne Hathaway.

The last time I saw Anne Hathaway, she was dealing with the awkwardness of young womanhood in The Princess Diaries. Well gentlemen, there is a God, and he is one hell of a talent scout. Anne, now 23 years old, didn't just embrace the transition from Disney films to Brokeback Mountain, she grabbed the cowboy by the balls, tore off her shirt and let the world know that she isn't anyone's princess anymore! Anne provided us with a scene that, under normal circumstances, would be the highlight of the movie for every man present. However, on this Friday evening, I was in the minority. Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway are pulled over on the side of a dirt road in the middle of nowhere. They dive into the backseat and start going at it, and everyone in the theatre is wondering the same thing, "Is this going to be PG-13 or NC-17?" At the same time, I had the feeling that the director of this movie didn't know how to spell "PG-13," so one of these actors was definitely going to remove their clothing. I feared the worst as I realized that I was the only member of the audience rooting for Anne to disrobe. Then again, how could I expect anything else? To my surprise, Anne began to undress. First, the button-down cowgirl shirt came off. "Wow! Those are amazing!" I thought to myself as the audience sat unphased by the sight of Anne in Victoria's favorite black pushup bra. The two actors traded a few more insignificant, yet funny, lines and then I knew we were home free. Anne's character rode some fast horses in this movie, and her biological clock wasn't stuck in molasses either. There goes the bra! Never in the history of cinema has an entire male audience been less excited about one of the world's hottest women taking off her bra. It was incredible. Can you imagine sitting at Fenway Park and watching David Ortiz hit a moonshot off Mariano Riviera and then finding yourself as the only person who makes a sound? That's how I felt on Friday. I was the only one who was even mildly interested in the greatness that was unfolding on the big screen! I won't forget you, Anne.

Toward the end of the movie, Jack becomes frustrated with Ennis and the lack of time they are spending together. "All we have is Brokeback Mountain," he complains. Thankfully, we have Anne Hathaway as well (By the way, is it possible that Jake Gyllenhaal is the most envied person in America right now? He has done naked scenes with Heath Ledger and Anne Hathaway. Regardless of your sex, or sexual orientation, you have to be envious of this guy! If you think about it, I am not sure if you can make the same case for any other actor.).

All in all, Brokeback Mountain proves to be a pretty solid movie. In fact, I am guessing it will be years before any of us see a movie like this again. Everyone should go see it. It truly is the sort of movie that makes us question numerous societal norms. And if you really don't care about society, go see it anyway. And for that matter, when they make the sequel to The Princess Diaries, you should probably go see that too.

Brokeback Mountain: 3 and a half stars

Jake and Heath: 86 stars! Great acting (Any actor in Hollywood can be funny or dramatic. These guys made me believe they were gay!)

Anne Hathaway: 34C. Brilliant performance.

 

posted 9:00 am on 1/3/06 by Jeff Tinker

Tiger, LeBron and 8 Other Dudes I Would Trade Places With For One Day

As Tiger Woods and LeBron James close out the year with some birthday celebrations, I was thinking about the charmed lives that these men lead, and I was wondering what other famous figures I would trade places with for one day. I have mentioned before, that I am quite happy with my current life and do not plan on making any severe changes in the near future. However, if I ever decided to spend one day in the world of illegitimate children, female adoration or sports immortality, I would choose to trade places with these fellows.

10) Speed Williams. If you are reading this and your name is not Danny Sells, you don't know who this guy is. Why? Because he is one of pro rodeo's biggest stars. He has won the team roping world championship 8 times and has earned more than 2 million dollars by roping cattle in a timely fashion. I believe that working 6.3 seconds per week and earning 250 thousand dollars per year while living in New Mexico is similar to being King of England. In case you didn't know, 250k goes pretty far in New Mexico. By the way, the chicks in that state don't exactly like guys that wear Abercrombie and Fitch. They worship at the altar of boots and stetsons. Plus, this cowboy's name is Speed. How cool is that?

9) Steve Williams. Steve is good at two things: carrying golf clubs, and throwing cameras into bodies of water. How great must it be to caddy for Tiger Woods? In 2000, Steve made enough money in caddy fees to be 10th on the PGA Tour money list! That is a true statement! I am not lying! How ridiculous is that? I would love to spend one day just following Tiger around a golf course.

Tiger: "Par 4. 450 yards. What do you think?"

Steve: "Here's the driver. Just aim left and hit the s#@t out of it."

And let's not discount the fact that Steve is from New Zealand. Chicks love foreign accents.

8) Phil Jackson. Phil would likely be higher on this list if he didn't have to endure lots of really tight shorts and bad hair in the '70s. This guy is the winningest coach in NBA history, and after making it quite clear that he was gettin' busy with the boss' daughter, the boss asked him to come back and coach his team again! Did I mention that Jeannie Buss is about 25 years younger than him and is a smokin' hot former playboy playmate? This Zen stuff must really work, because Phil is doing something right.

7) Rick Fox. Rick is really the wild card on this list. He is never mentioned in these discussions, but he should be. He married a former Miss America, who had her title taken away because she posed nude, so we know Vanessa isn't afraid to get freaky. Also, did anyone notice that the Lakers success ended when Fox's minutes diminished. Fox knew his role and he played it well. Unless he was open enough to catch the ball, write a love letter to Vanessa and then survey the crowd for his next wife, he would not shoot. He passed the rock to Shaq! What a novel concept! Fox was a pretty important part of that Lakers team, which is pretty cool considering his basketball career was basically a recreational activity for him. Also, Rick is now back on the dating scene and he is Hawaiian. The ladies love Hawaiian lovers (actually I have no idea on that one, but as long as you are not white, ladies love you). If you need more convincing that Rick belongs on this list, just think about his parts in some pretty cool movies (Who can forget the "assistant coaches" scene from He Got Game?).

6) LeBron James. They don't call him King James for nothing. If he never wins an NBA Championship, I would still consider his basketball career a success. And without question, his life is a success. He gets paid hundreds of millions of dollars to wear Nikes, shoot commercials while posing as an entire family and basically just exist as LeBron. His empire will continue to expand for the next several decades. Of all the young men in this country, LeBron truly gets to "be like Mike." And, as all high-profile athletes must do, LeBron has gotten to work on his lineage by fathering his first child out-of-wedlock. I have a sneaking suspicion that lots of women want to be with this guy. Being one of the best athletes on the planet, making loads of money and dating hot girls seem to be a few of the qualifications for this list (But remember, I only want this for one day. I am shallow, but I am still Jeffrey from the block.)

5) Seal. As promised in previous articles, Seal has to be on this list. As Mr. Clarin points out, he has chosen to name himself after an animal and no one seems to be the least bit surprised. He sings flaming songs and he is married to arguably the world's most attractive woman, Hottie Klum. I can just imagine what a typical Sunday morning is like for this guy:

Heidi (in the world's sexiest accent): "Seal, Darling. Are you ready for another romp?"

Seal: "Just one minute, Sweetheart. I have to finish this line. What rhymes with 'love'?"

One day with Heidi Klum is enough to get Seal on the list. And I am sure I would have enough time to fish through Heidi's little black book and find Giselle's cell number.

4) August A. Busch IV. And you thought Reggie Bush was leading a charmed life! "Auggy" Busch must lead one of the greatest lives of all-time. For starters, he inherited millions (depending on the health of siblings and cousins, possibly even billions) of dollars from his parents. This guy is the charter member of the "lucky sperm club." When being born results in the acquisition of $100 million, your life is off to a good start. Now, let's examine his present duties. He has to endure the rigors of looking incredibly handsome, shooting beer commercials and frequenting promotional events, bars, and restaurants at which every female attendee would like nothing more than to show him how flavorful her hops are. What more could you want in life? Come to think of it, I am going to pull a Joe Theisman here and disagree with myself before the discussion is even complete. This guy should be ranked higher!

3) Tom Brady. There really isn't much explanation needed for the last 3. I could run backwards and beat Tom in a race, and he is still considered one of the best professional athletes on the planet. Without question, he has made the most of his physical talents. Plus, there is a major U.S. city in which 100% of the female population would disrobe for him, but he has no need to stray from his own living room because his female friend rates as a 23. Hats off, Tom. You did it right. And as our good friend, Dave Mandel, reminds us, "Clutch is everything in life." No one has been more clutch than Brady.

2) Shaquille O'Neal. It would be awesome to walk around for 1 day as a 7'1 340-pound mountain of a man. And how cool would it be knowing that in a league of trash talkers, you can say anything you want and no one will fire back at you. After his team lost to Detroit, Shaq had the following barb for the Pistons: "They are the same as last year. They can be beat." If any other player said this, Rasheed Wallace and his heavyweight belt would have plenty to say in response. But when Shaq speaks, even the baddest bad asses have no response. Would you want to make Shaq angry?

1) Tiger Woods. Tiger and Shaq are my two favorite athletes, but the nod goes to Tiger because Elin Nordegren registers a 96 on the hotness scale. Tiger, you are the man. People wear shirts that say, "I am Tiger Woods." I don't see the Jeff Tinker t-shirts coming out anytime soon. He is the best golfer in the world, and he married the hottest Swedish nanny of all-time, who happens to have a twin sister. The morning after his wedding, he returned from his private yacht with Elin and her sister! I am not suggesting that anything happened, but if it did, would that be the best wedding present ever? Please, if you wouldn't want to trade places with Tiger for one day, let me know.

 

posted 1:26 pm on 12/29/05 by Jeff Tinker

Predictions for 2006

Mr. Kenna has the right idea with his list of predictions. I better contribute a few myself. Here are my predictions for the major sports happenings of 2006.

---USC 34 Texas 27. Lendale White wins the MVP (I am in the minority of people who believe that he and Dwayne Jarrett will be the only members of this USC team inducted into professional football's Hall of Fame). Jeff Tinker smiles after betting the Longhorns +7.5 and the under at 71.5!

---A horrible year of football gets its dream ending: Bears versus Bengals. The Bengals appear to be in control when Chad Johnson scores the game's only touchdown late in the 2nd quarter. But Johnson just can't leave well enough alone. He does TO one better and officially becomes the king of end zone dances by autographing the football with deer's blood. Brian Urlacher plays like a man possessed in the second half, making 26 tackles and winning MVP. Bears win 9-7 to complete the greatest year in Chicago Sports history. The city of Chicago celebrates the following week with free McDonald's cheeseburgers and Dan Clarin describes it as "the best week of his life."

---Memphis beats Villanova 82-76 in the NCAA Championship. Darius Washington hits two free throws to ice it and exercises the demons. Rodney Carney wins Final Four MVP.

---The Miami Heat win an NBA Championship after winning Game 7s in Detroit and San Antonio. D. Wade carries them to the finish line, but Shaq drops 45 and 23 on Rasho Nesterovic in the finale to win his fourth MVP award. Tim Duncan duplicates his dynamite numbers from last year's Game 7. He shoots 10 for 27 from the field for 25 points and holds Udonis Haslem to 10 points. Bill Walton can't help himself late in the fourth quarter when discussing Duncan's defense on Miami's 6th best scorer: "That's what legends do!" Manu Ginobili fires his hairdresser the next day and Eva Longoria leaves Tony Parker for Jason Williams, admitting that she needs to find out why everyone calls him "White Chocolate."

---Rudy Gay is the first overall selection in the 2006 NBA Draft. Morrison is taken second and Redick 3rd. Shawne Williams goes 8th.

---Maurice Clarett and Lawrence Phillips are arrested at Michael Irvin's estate after being found with 14 pounds of marijuana and drug paraphernalia. Irvin denies that he had any part in the wrongdoing and he returns to Monday Night Countdown to prove that Stuart Scott still can't cover him on a 20-yard field.

---Terrell Owens winds up on the Dallas Cowboys. Bill Parcels dies of a heart attack during mini-camp, and on the same day, TO criticizes the Cowboys organization for not publicly recognizing his 100th career training camp touchdown reception.

---The Yankees offer 3 Minor league players and Scarlett Johansson to the San Francisco Giants for Barry Bonds. At first, the Giants are reluctant, but once Derek Jeter gives Brian Cashman the go-ahead to include Nicole Richie in the deal, the Giants agree and Bonds ends up DH'ing for the pinstripes.

---The Yankees and White Sox square off in a memorable ALCS. After Chicago defeats the Yanks by a combined score of 10-2 in the first two games, the series shifts to New York and Bonds goes wild, hitting 7 home runs in 3 games as the Yankees take a 3-2 lead. Chicago wins Game 6, 3-2 in front of their home crowd. Game 7 goes to the ninth inning with Chicago leading 2-1 and things appear to be going smoothly: Bobby Jenks follows Johnny Damon's broken bat single by striking out Jeter and A-Rod. However, Bonds catches the following exchange on a clubhouse television:

Joe Buck: "I think there is no question that Rafael Palmeiro is the best left-handed hitter of the steroid era."

Tim McCarver: "That reminds me, Joe, of the time I went fishing with Vida Blue."

An enraged Bonds enters the game and hits the first 600-foot home run in postseason history. Yankees prevail 3-2 and win the series.

---The #1 sports city in America returns to prominence with a subway series! Pedro Martinez faces Randy Johnson in Game 7. Pedro takes a no-hitter and a 1-0 lead into the bottom of the ninth, but Jeffrey Mayor kidnaps Willie Randolph and Pedro Martinez takes the hill in the bottom half. The radar gun never scares 85 and after Damon works a walk against his old teammate, Jeter hits a fly ball deep to right field. Lindsay Lohan fills in admirably for Jeffrey Mayor, pulling the ball over the fence with some help from her north face jacket and her newly found cleavage. The officiating crew doesn't have the courage to overturn the call in Yankee Stadium, and Pedro argues to no avail, while Mike Cameron gets Loho's cell phone number. Yankees win 2-1. Barry Bonds is named MVP and refuses to speak to the media or any of his teammates following the game.

---The Yankees sign Bonds to a 10-year, $300 million extension.

Prediction for 2010:

---Adam Morrison finds himself on the Golden State Warriors and bets Mike Dunleavy that he can grow a more complete goatee in the next calendar year. Result: push

---J.J. Redick gets traded to the San Antonio Spurs, averages 6 points per game and leads the league in 3 point percentage.

---Shawne Williams finally hits his best stride after leaving college a few years early. He leads the league in scoring and goes down in history as the best player taken in the 2006 NBA Draft. As a bonus, he enables the Atlanta Hawks to be the first team in league history to list every single player on their roster as a guard/forward.

 

posted 8:30 am on 12/28/05 by Jeff Tinker

I Thought Redick Played For Duke?

Last night was one of the first must-see College basketball games of the year. Gonzaga was visiting Memphis in a potential Elite Eight or Final Four preview. I could not wait to get home and get in front of the television to watch the game. I sped through Qdoba, acquired a steak burrito and ran to my couch (By the way, while I agree with our Chicago food experts that Chipotle does have the best tasting burritos on the planet, Qdoba is not far behind. The Qdoba burritos lack the kick that Chipotle offers, but they possess a flavor that is both simple and satisfying! Mr. Clarin, you may remember that you had similar comments about the McDonald's hot fudge sundae. It is very simple, but it is surprisingly tasty!) Once I had my burrito in one hand and the remote in the other, I flipped to ESPN2, and much to my surprise, Duke was playing a game as well. "Wow, this really is a great night," I thought. While most people harbor hatred for the Blue Devils, I rather enjoy watching them play. No matter what group of players are on the floor, Coach K always has his boys playing tough defense (even when they allow lots of dribble penetration like they are this season, he still makes them harass ball handlers) and up tempo offense. Plus, if Duke is playing a televised basketball game on one of ESPN's channels, Dick Vitale will be announcing. And really, you can never have enough Vitale!

So there I sat, ready to enjoy two great basketball games, when it hit me. "Hold on, how is ESPN going to show two basketball games when Rutgers and Arizona State are playing in the Insight Bowl on ESPN?" It then occurred to me that Duke wasn't playing at all. Why was I so convinced that Duke was playing? Because I had watched the first minute of Dick Vitale's pre-game analysis and all he could talk about was J.J. Redick! Redick doesn't play for Memphis or Gonzaga, he plays for Duke! And Duke isn't playing tonight! Obviously, Vitale was attempting to add even more hype to the ongoing Player of the Year race between Redick and Gonzaga's Adam Morrison, but he was so excited in his praise of Redick, I was convinced he was setting the table for a Duke game.

Don't get wrong, I love the way Duke plays and I love what Dick Vitale brings to college basketball, but this has to stop. Redick is not the second coming of Michael Jordan, as Vitale portrays him. In fact, Redick may not even be the best player in the country. Adam Morrison has a higher scoring average and he is doing it on a team that pales in comparison to Duke. Redick has a great supporting cast that features another consensus pre-season All-American in Shelden Williams and the greatest human being that has ever lived in Greg Paulus (just wait until Redick is gone and Vitale praises Paulus for all of his 4 point, 8 assist "dynamite performances"). Morrison's supporting cast consists of an elf that plays point guard and a "solid big man" who is only 6'8 and can't run or jump. And regardless of who is a better player, we don't need to hear Redick's name more than once in the pre-game discussion. Just make one statement comparing the two players and move on with the rest of the analysis.

Unfortunately, Vitale's praise of Redick did not end there. Throughout the game, Dick mentioned Redick whenever it was even mildly relevant to the situation. Several times, he discussed Morrison's knack for scoring: "This kid is a pure scorer. He's not a pure shooter, like J.J. Redick, but he is a pure scorer." Later in the second half, "This guy can really shoot it. Imagine being lucky enough to coach a guy like him or J.J. Redick!" Are you kidding me? Is this guy serious? I realize that media members have been notorious for playing favorites in virtually every sport, but this has gotten out of hand.

Please, Dick, do it for me. When Duke is playing, discuss Redick all you want. Sing his praises. Tell us how he is the most hated player in all of college basketball, and despite all the adversity and the pressure of playing with 8 other McDonald's All-Americans, he finds a way to carry his team past perennial powerhouses like Davidson and Drexel. Tell us how he single-handedly rebuilt villages in third world countries and flew home just in time to rescue Grandma Smith's cat from a 40-foot tree. Tell us over and over again how he has the best shooting stroke the game has ever seen. Explain with great detail how Redick has improved his ball-handling skills to the point where no St. John's defender can even come close to stopping him. But please, do it during Duke games. Last night's game was one of the true gems in this year's college basketball schedule and it should have been a time to discuss the explosiveness of a Memphis team that may be the last one standing in March. We know Redick is outstanding, but last night was a time to enjoy the show that Rodney Carney and Darius Washington were putting on.

Please Dick, don't spoil other games for us. While you spend your days slapping High 5's with Coach K and sending holiday cards to the Redick family, the rest of us work for a living. And on some random Wednesday in the middle of January, I want to return home from work with my steak burrito and watch Memphis take on UAB. I want to hear about the two teams that are playing. J.J. Redick's progress in Sociology 301 just doesn't matter. What does matter is how great the Tigers look, and how Mr. Redick and Mr. Morrison are going become quite familiar with Mr. Carney and Mr. Washington, during the month of March and in the Green Room at the 2006 NBA Draft.

 

posted 10:18 am on 12/22/05 by Jeff Tinker

One Very Long Yard, One Very Good Movie

Mr. Kenna requested more bad movie reviews. Well, I have another movie to discuss, but it is far from bad. I have watched The Longest Yard twice in the past 2 days, and once I tell you about the cast, you will understand why.

This movie has, without a doubt, the best cast of actors and non-actors that has ever been assembled in a single production. Like all great movies, this one starts with a zoom-in of a gorgeous woman's posterior as she emerges from a pool. She strolls into a mansion and then the camera picks up our first important character: Adam Sandler's on-screen girlfriend, Courtney Cox, dressed in a low cut cocktail dress and bouncing her way up a long staircase. I don't want to spoil the plot for any of you who plan on seeing this movie (and I strongly recommend that you do), plus I am not a real movie critic, so this won't be a real movie review, but basically Adam Sandler finds himself in jail (after retiring from a promising career as an NFL quarterback accused of point shaving) once he steals Courtney Cox's bentley and goes joy riding with a 6-pack of beer in the front seat. In my opinion, the girlfriend portion of the storyline is part of the movie for one reason and one reason only. Well, two reasons to be exact. I don't know if anyone realizes this, but Courtney Cox has augmented her breasts recently. This is a good thing.

Courtney has long been one of my favorite Hollywood starlettes. I thought Friends was an enjoyable show. Dan Clarin and I even watched the final episode together (The fact that we were invited to watch the final episode by 5 really hot blonde chicks whose favorite topic was sexual activity had nothing to do with it). And who could forget Courtney's epic performance in Ace Ventura! The Lion King soundtrack was never the same after that. Fortunately, Courtney is not merely a brilliant actress with impressive cinematic range. She has something under the hood as well. I thought that her curves have always been about 75 clicks to the right of satisfactory, but apparently Courtney did not feel the same way. Her new supporting actresses are reason enough to watch this flick! Unreal! Absolutely incredible. Now, I am sure when I see Courtney and ask her about the new look she will deny that any changes have taken place, and instead, attribute her new found perkiness to the advances in modern undergarments. While I understand that the fine engineers who work for Victoria's Secret have been fooling men for years with the push-up bra and, more recently, the "hydra bra", I also know that all the underwire in the world won't make me look like Pamela Anderson. I firmly believe that even A-list cleavage begins with something to push up in the first place. Courtney had made some improvements, and now the United States has increased its list of zip codes by 2.

If chicks aren't your thing, there are plenty of famous dudes to hold your interest during this film. And if you like to laugh, then you better buy some diapers. This one is a laugh riot. Let's examine the male characters, and then you can determine if this is truly a great concept for a movie.

Sportscenter anchor, Dan Patrick, plays the role of a police officer who pulls Sandler over for drunken driving, but is far more interested in cracking jokes. Dan is absolutely perfect!

Chris Berman plays himself. Classic Berman, complete with all the crazy nicknames, sound effects and dramatic foreshadowing.

Goldberg and "Stone Cold" Steve Austin take time off from professional wrestling to partake in the movie. Goldberg is an angry convict and Stone Cold is a steroid-popping prison guard who can't wait to mix things up on the football field.

Nelly continues to practice his country grammar as the convicts' tailback, but he goes the entire movie without placing a band aid or any kind of sticky strip on his face. Disappointing at best.

The huge dude from Happy Gilmore (who helps retrieve Happy's jacket once Shooter tries to run away with it) is also in this laugh fest. Shockingly, he plays a very, very large man who doesn't speak English well, but is very good at hitting people. He gets the starting nod at fullback for the cons.

The guards do have one advantage on defense: they have Bill Romanowski starting at middle linebacker. Romo looks at his juice-enhanced best while making some sick tackles and drawing a few penalties along the way.

Is this shaping up to be a great movie or what??? What's wrong? Not enough real actors? Have no fear.

Burt Reynolds returns to the Big Screen as an ex-Heisman trophy winner, turned convict, turned convict coach, and eventually, a goal line running back! Not quite in the mold of Jerome Bettis, but you get the picture.

And of course, Chris Rock flat out steals the show as the team's assistant coach and caretaker. No one delivers one-liners like this guy. He is simply the best. No questions asked. Some of his more notable jokes in this movie involve being black, being white, pining after Star Jones and the athleticism of Greg Louganis. Trust me, you're going to want to see this one.

Oh, I seem to have left out one integral piece. Michael Irvin was chosen to play the role of a criminal who also plays wide receiver. We all know The Playmaker didn't have to do much acting here, but he is fantastic nonetheless and quickly becomes my favorite character! By the way, have you heard this recent trash about some commentators believing Irvin doesn't deserve a spot in the Hall of Fame. In the history of the National Football League (a league defined by playmakers) there has been one guy nicknamed "The Playmaker": Michael Irvin! How can he not be in the Hall of Fame? He dominated 3 Super Bowls and helped spearhead a dynasty! I believe he is just as good of a Hall of Fame candidate as Jerry "I died but played posthumously for 8 years" Rice. The fact that there is even a discussion about whether he should be in the hall is ridiculous, and it is making me angry!

Back to the movie. Did I mention it was great? It's great! Adam Sandler isn't really believable as a quarterback, with Doug Floutie's size and Chad Pennington's arm, but other than that, it's a master piece. I mean, come on, Dan Patrick as a cop, and Nelly and Michael Irvin as prisoners who decide to play some football against their guards! Throw in everyone's favorite Beverly Hills parking attendant as a walking comedy routine and everyone's favorite friend squeezing herself into J-Lo's favorite top and you have a recipe for success!

Dirty Love got us off to a slow start with a score of 36DD, but The Longest Yard will help help get us back on track. 4 and a half stars.

Courtney, seriously. Wow.

 

posted 10:37 am on 12/21/05 by Jeff Tinker

Five Athletes That Made Me Smile In 2005

Each Demember, sports fans and sportswriters alike take time to reflect on the year that was. Every ESPN fan will anxiously await Christmas Eve's Sportscenter, as Stu Scott counts down the most notable sports moments of the year. This is the first year in quite some time that I am not looking forward to Stu's countdown. Let's be honest, there wasn't much to get excited about in 2005. Let's review the major professional championships of 2005.

NHL: Certainly not one of its banner years.

NFL: The Patriots won yet another Super Bowl after Andy Reid wasted any chance the Eagles had by not utilizing a no-huddle offense late in the fourth quarter. Did the Patriots deserve to win? Absolutely. Are they one of the best, if not the best, teams of all-time? Absolutely. Do they play team football to perfection? Absolutely. Are they just as boring as the other 2005 champions??? Absolutely. Positively.

NBA: The Spurs won the championship after their best player, Tim Duncan, publicly said that he lacked confidence going into Game 7. Duncan remarked that he didn't know if his team was tough enough to handle the Pistons. Not tough enough??? A Game 7 on your home court and you don't know if you guys can handle it? And this is the team that won! This Spurs team paled in comparison to the Lakers dynasty of recent years and the 2004 Detroit Pistons. These teams had swagger! These "championship" Spurs lacked swagger and weren't too long on excitement either.

MLB: Reporter with nothing else interesting to say: "Paul, for the fans who haven't seen the White Sox play this year, what can you tell us about your team?"

Paul Konerko: "Well, we're just a group of guys trying to win a world series. That's all I have to say about that."

I did not fabricate the above quotation. Paul Konerko actually said that. Sounds like a terribly interesting guy, doesn't he? Unfortunately, he was one of the more colorful characters on the World Champion White Sox.

You see, I have nothing against the Patriots, Spurs and White Sox. Nothing at all. They played "the right way." They played as teams, and they were rewarded with championship rings. As for me (the only contributor on this website who does not worship at the alter of Boston or Chicago sports), I need something more. As Johnny Damon reminded us last night, sports aren't about winning, and they sure as hell aren't about loyalty. David Mandel will lose sleep over who will play centerfield for the Red Sox this season, but Johnny Damon certainly won't. And neither will Manny Ramirez. He will be on his way to a different city as well. And he won't care where, as long as its a place that knows how to open its wallet. Sports are about entertainment now. That's ok with me. I don't watch any soap operas, and Temptation Island hasn't been on the air for quite sometime. I feed my drama fix by watching sporting events. The five guys below made me smile in 2005 because they did their jobs to the best of their abilities. They did the only thing we can expect from our athletes now. They entertained me.

5) Fred Funk. Forget about the great rounds that Fred played in 2005. The defining moment of his season was when Annika Sorenstam outdrove him by 8 yards on the 3rd hole of the Skins Game. Annika was prepared for such an event, and she removed a pink skirt from her golf bag and handed it to Fred. Mr. Funk, the jokester that he is, wore the skirt for the remainder of the hole. I like Annika, and she is without question one of the most dominant athletes on the planet, but maybe she should try making the cut at Men's Tour event before she hands one of the world's best players a skirt. Nonetheless, Annika helped add entertainment value to a year that badly needed it. Ultimately, Fred had the last laugh. He went on to set a Skins Game record for prize money, leaving Annika, Tiger and Fred Couples in the dust. Thank you, Fred, for being able to laugh at your shortcomings, and thank you for always adding some humor to our weekends. Could you picture any other pro golfer graciously accepting Annika's wardrobe advice??? How do you think Vijay Singh would have reacted?

4) Dwyane Wade. I couldn't let Mr. Funk be the only guy on this list whose ego can fit in an overhead compartment. D. Wade loves God, he loves his family and he doesn't mind the fact that Shaq gets all the hype (although Wade has the highest selling jersey in the league right now, so maybe people notice him anyway?). As several of the other great writers whose work graces the pages of this site have indicated, Wade is the only player in the league who we can even begin to compare to MJ. And there is one reason for that. He attacks the basket! He doesn't just take the ball to the basket. He doesn't just drive to the basket. Dwyane Wade attacks the rim with the same tenacity that Michael did. And boy, is he fun to watch. If he was 4 inches taller, there is absolutely no question that he would be "The Chosen One" and not LeBron James. Though the NBA is my favorite league, I must admit, it is pretty boring these days. Thank God, for Mr. Wade! As Pat Riley so eloquently stated when discussing Wade, "Life is not about the number of breaths you take. It is about the moments that take your breath away." I don't know if D. Wade has taken my breath away, but he has made me smile an awful lot.

3) Chad Johnson. In an NFL season with absolutely nothing to be excited about, Chad Johnson has been a shining star. He is the only reason I watch Sportscenter on Sunday Night. Every Sunday evening, Matt and I savor the sweet taste of Cafe Michelina and await the Chad Johnson highlights. Every Sunday night I say the exact same thing to Matt: "Wow. Michelina tastes amazing. When are we going to see the Bengals highlights? Chad Johnson is all that is keeping me going!" As if Chad has not done enough already with his river dance and end zone proposals, he is planning to use a live animal to celebrate if he gets in the end zone on Christmas Eve. Godspeed, Chad. You are the only reason that I watch!

2) Terrell Owens. How did Chad Johnson get to be "all that is keeping me going"? TO got suspended! I love TO. I absolutely love the man. I had him on both of my fantasy teams this season. He dominates his position more than any other player in the NFL, and in the age of sports entertainment, he precedes each touchdown with lots of trash talk. Is it any coincidence that the NFL is having its worst year in history at a time when its best player is being forced to sit out? And you know what else I like about TO? He played with a broken leg in the Super Bowl and the Patriots vaunted secondary still couldn't stop him. Rodney Harrison had a lot to say before the game, but he never once laid the wood on TO. You know why? TO has the body of an outside linebacker with the speed of a legendary wide receiver. When he insulted the meanest man on earth by mimicking Ray Lewis' dance why didn't any of Ray's teammates (or Ray himself) get a piece of TO on the next play. You can't hit what you can't catch. In addition to possessing incredible physical talent, Terrell Owens is the most obnoxious, self-centered, arrogant, greedy SOB on the planet. He is so widely disliked, he may be the best athlete ever to be held out of the hall of fame (Pete Rose included). Everyone hates TO. And that is why I love him. Keep dancing, Terrell. I need a reason to watch.

1) Tiger Woods. Mr. Kenna's good friend comes in at #1 on this list. In addition to the fact that Tiger won me a fair bit of money posting some low scores in major events this year, he provided me with the year's most entertaining moments. His battle with Phil Mickelson at Doral was a classic. Tiger was Tiger; driving par 4s and testing Phil time and again. Mickelson did what he does best: made lots of birdies, and of course, one more bogey than Tiger Woods. Next, Tiger held off DiMarco at Augusta and made a mockery of Saint Andrews. These three victories alone would be enough entertainment for one year, but Tiger didn't stop there. He was quite extraordinary in defeat as well. In fact, when I think of 2005, I will remember Tiger as a second place finisher (if you notice, the 4 other athletes on this list could hardly be considered champions in 2005). I will always remember the way Tiger played at Pinehurst and Baltusrol, the two major championships that he didn't win in 2005. Woods did not have his A game, or even his B+ game in either of those tournaments, but he grinded out a 2nd and a 4th place finish. Most golfers have to be playing at the very highest level to even sniff the first page of a major championship leaderboard. Not Tiger. Tiger is the greatest grinder of all-time. He plays hard and stays focused no matter what the circumstances. He is so dominant and so legendary, that he needs only a semblance of his best stuff to make Michael Campbell visit the water closet 3 times during the back nine at Pinehurst. That's why I love Tiger. Because even at his worst, he is still great. Even when he fires drives into hospitality tents, he always finds a way to escape and at the very least, put a scare into that week's one hit wonder. Still, we all hate Tiger. Mr. Kenna is not alone. We love to hate our sports stars in the United States. If Tiger was from a different country, he would be the most loved man in all the land. Look at David Beckham! He is the star of stars in Spain. He cheated on his wife, and the entire country still loves him (By the way, what the hell was Beckham thinking??? It's Posh Spice!). All that Tiger can be accused of is proving that he is the most dominant athlete of all-time, and still, most American sports fans have a strong dislike for Eldrick. Maybe he is just too good, or maybe he scolds one too many anxious photographers to win favor with the average fan. But that is precisely why he entertains me. Imagine having the audacity to completely flip out, have your caddy throw a fan's camera into a lake and then gathering yourself and hammering a 340 yard drive right down the pipe. Imagine what that must feel like. Imagine what it must feel like to lap the field by 15 shots in the U.S. Open and then look into a camera and nonchalantly say, "I hit the ball pretty well this week. I putted ok. I can play better, but I played well enough to win." Every other guy in the Top 10 played their very best and they couldn't touch you, even though you were simply average that week. I will never know what that feels like. But I do know that I will always love watching Tiger stalk the field. Regardless of whether it is in victory or defeat, no other athlete is as entertaining.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! For 2006, I hope we see Barry Bonds traded to a World Series contender. I hope the Miami Heat trade for Ron Artest and make the NBA Finals. I hope TO and Chad meet in the Super Bowl! And I hope Tiger contends in every single major. Mostly because I want to see Elin Nordegren in the winner's circle, but also, because no one thrills me like Tiger.

Keep chirping Mr. Owens. Keep calling out cornerbacks Mr. Johnson. Keep pumping your fist, Tiger. And Please, Pam Oliver, don't ever interview Paul Konerko again.

posted 11:22 am on 12/20/05 by Jeff Tinker

Random Thoughts From My Days Of Rest

 
---I had Monday and Tuesday off from work this week, so I had some time to reflect and enjoy my typical vacation day routine.  You see, if I have a day off from work, and no set plans, I do the following: wake at noon, go to the gym, eat lunch at my favorite Chinese restaurant and then rent a bad movie (not just a bad movie, a horrible movie).  Yesterday, I rented Dirty Love, starring Jenny McCarthy and Carmen Electra. This movie was, not surprisingly, horrendous!  In fact, it was downright disgusting.  Jenny McCarthy experiences the joys of a woman's menstrual cycle in a grocery store, which was definitely not something I ever wanted to see.  Even by my standards, this flick was awful, but it was almost saved by two things.  First, Eddie Kaye Thomas (he was the dude who slept with Stiffler's Mom in American Pie) surfaced as the dork who stole Jenny's heart.  I am glad to know that he is alive and well.  Second, despite being the worst movie in history, this film does contain the greatest scene in movie history.  A frustrated Jenny McCarthy tears off her shirt in a fit of anger and prances around for 10 seconds, bouncing up and down, cupping her breasts and giving everyone a good look at what God gave her.  This sequence is enough to make Andy Dick question whether he is playing for the right team.  Thank God the director had enough sense to through that scene in the mix, or else it truly would have been a waste of 91 minutes.
 
----Part of the reason why Dirty Love didn't meet expectations was because it had a tough act to follow.  Last year, when I first found myself with a day set aside to do nothing, I watched Mean Girls, starring Lindsay Lohan and Rachel McAdams.  Mean Girls, while not a great movie, gave me a chance to indulge in my favorite guilty pleasure: scouting talent.  No matter what kind of potential is being discussed, I have always fancied myself a disciple of Mel Kiper, Jr.  I enjoy conversations that revolve around predictions and the analysis of decisions and prognostications that did not quite pan out.  For the amateur talent scout, Mean Girls seemed like a no-brainer. 
 
"Wow.  Look at Lindsay Lohan.  I know they say she is 16, but you don't have a bust-line like that when you're a teenager!"
 
It would seem that "Loho" would be the hands down #1 draft choice in the movie.  But I was wise enough to see through such nonsense.  The real star of the show was Rachel McAdams!  I felt like Bobby Knight trying to advise my good friend, GM of the Portland Trailblazers, to take Michael Jordan instead of Sam Bowie.  I just knew in my heart of hearts that once Rachel got a chance to step outside the 4-corners offense, take defenders off the dribble and switch from blonde to brunette, there was no way anybody would stop her.  Rachel is a classic beauty.  She will never need to succumb to anorexia because she is naturally well-proportioned.  I knew her curves weren't going anywhere.  And look what has happened since.  Lindsay has fallen off the charts, while Rachel has flourished in two box office smashes, The Notebook and Wedding Crashers.   Bobby Knight knew that Dean Smith was the only one who could hold Jordan under 30 points, and I knew that once Rachel McAdams darkened her hair, she would be on her way to stardom.
 
"Bob, we know Houston is going to take Olajuwon first.  We need a center, who should we take second?"
 
"You should draft Jordan.  Dean Smith is an idiot.  If Freddie Brown wasn't color blind, Dean would have never cut down the nets.  I don't even know how he ties his shoes in the morning!"
 
"But Bob, we need a center."
 
"Then draft Jordan and play him at center, you f@#*ing moron!"
 
I wonder if Loho and Sam Bowie are having a cup of coffee at a Starbucks somewhere?
 
---I have to touch on the emergence of Rex Grossman.  I am extremely thrilled anytime one of my best friends' favorite athletic teams has a chance at championship contention.  And believe me, the Bears are legit!  They have as strong a chance as anyone to take the field in Detroit on Super Bowl Sunday.  But I want to point out just how awful the NFL is this season.  Look at Rex Grossman's numbers from Sunday Night.  He was 9-16 for 93 yards and 1 interception.  And those numbers caused Bears fans and observers from around the league to deem the Bears contenders!  Heck, I even think they have a chance!!!!  What has happened to us????  What is going on????   Has the quarterback position gotten so bad that someone can come off the bench, turn in a below average game and all of a sudden be lauded as the missing link!??!!??!!?!?  If this is the case, then Daniel Clarin better get himself to an NFL training camp in August!  His arm is a hell of a lot stronger than Chad Pennington's!  I mean, seriously, I want some feedback here.  What has happened to the quarterback position?  It is a joke now!
 
---Last item.  Please forgive Ben Wallace if you see him frowning between now and next June.  Why would Ben be so glum?  Well, like every other defensive post player in the league, he knows that The Big Aristotle has some new found motivation.  You see, in addition to having the largest torso on the planet, Shaq also has the world's largest ego.  Don't get me wrong, he is my all-time favorite athlete, but the guy has "Man of Steel" tattooed on his bicep!  He thinks highly of himself.  Shaq truly believes that he is a legend and that he should be coached by a legend.  Enter Pat Riley.  Van Gundy did not have Shaq's respect, but Pat Riley certainly does.  The NBA is about to see a new Shaq.  The Chicago Bulls got a firsthand look during Riley's first game with the Heat.  Shaq running the floor???!?!?  Watch out.  It is not a coincidence that Shaq only served up those 40 point, 20 rebound playoff performances when he played for Phil Jackson.   Ben Wallace knows what is coming.  He knows that Detroit will have to face Miami in the Eastern Conference Finals. He also knows that his team will have a fantastic chance of beating the Heat in the Conference Finals (I would even say Detroit is a much better team).  But those 7 games will be no picnic for Big Ben.  Shaq is going to look a lot bigger than he did last June.
 
---That's all for now.  Bravo is about to show a "Project Runway" marathon, so I better get some chinese food and get in front of the TV!

 

posted 11:45 am on 12/16/05 by Jeff Tinker

Things I Learned While Watching Gwen Stefani Rock MSG

Last night, David Mandel and I were privileged enough to attend a Gwen Stefani concert at Madison Square Garden with two attractive young women. Why these ladies insist upon spending time with us is one of the more perplexing questions that this life has offered me. While I will likely not find any answers to that question anytime soon, I found the answer to a very important question last night, and I learned some other cool stuff as well.

Most people observe interesting things in the world, look away without giving it a second thought and move onto the next topic. "What do you think? Gucci or Prada?" These same people might witness something amazing, dismiss it and return to their daily problems with, "What do you think? Can Google go any higher?" Not me. When I encounter a truly intriguing issue, I wrestle with it until I find an answer. I ask my friends: "What do you guys think? Can't Heidi Klum do better than Seal?" One question that has perplexed more than any other in 2005 is the existence and subsequent rise to fame of backup dancers. It is quite amazing to me that Britney Spears can have a Marilyn Monroe-esque rise to fame, but couldn't manage to find her own Joe DiMaggio. When Britney was choosing which pony to cut from heard, she didn't pick a Hollywood stallion, or one of America's finest professional athletes. Instead, she slapped her saddle on a backup dancer. And Britney is not alone in her desire for diminutive men with dance moves. Jennifer Lopez has a list of partners that includes several backup dancers! I did not know how it was possible for a backup dancer to land America's hottest pop starlet. Then, I walked into Madison Square Garden, and all my questions were answered.

The show began with Ciara performing the opening act. One interesting thing that I learned right away: Ciara is not from Atlanta. I thought she was from Atlanta, but actually she is from a place called "The ATL." I have no idea where this place is. I guess that will be an issue for another blog entry. I have a feeling that my colleague, David Mandel, will elaborate on Ciara's performance, so I will keep this brief. Ciara was accompanied by several backup dancers, male and female, who danced up a storm and gave me just a taste of why these nimble, gymnasts turned pop prancers are so popular. Then, Gwen took the stage, and the real show began...

Gwen is unreal. She really is. Fantastic voice. Great body. There is no other singer in the world who looks better in high heels and a mini skirt. Several lessons can be taken from my observation of Gwen. First, Gavin Rossdale is the man! Anyone who can land Gwen is OK in my book. Aside from the occasional argument over who has better abs, Gavin has to be happy with his choice (Sometime in the near future, I will produce a column entitled, "Ten Men I Would Trade Places With For One Day." I thoroughly enjoy my life and would never trade places with anyone on a permanent basis, but there are several men I would trade with for one day. Gavin will be in the running to make this list). Second, if we want to improve health care in this country, Congress should mandate that every grade school physical education department teach whatever work out program that Gwen uses. Believe me, this would be a good thing for society. Among the many benefits that would accompany such a policy, improved health and the increased in the number of smiles on the faces of men would be toward the top of the list. Gwen did a lot of bouncing and shaking last night, and there was absolutely nothing jiggling! She is quite something to behold. Also of note, and this is not unique to Gwen's staff, every human being that works on a stage crew or manages equipment in some form seems to dress as if they are working at the North Pole. Last night, I found myself quite comfortable, if anything a shade too warm, wearing a singular button-down shirt. Each member of the stage crew was dressed in multiple layers, and most were even wearing jackets. One man, who appeared to be directing the production, was wearing a knit ski hat! It's an indoor concert!!! Every time I see a concert I am amazed at the amount of clothing these guys wear. Are they required to complete some sort of training camp in Jamaica? How can people possibly be carrying heavy equipment indoors and feel comfortable wearing sweaters and jackets? I still do not have the answer to this one, but the next time you are at a concert just take notice. Anyway, back to the very distracting Gwen Stefani.

While most of the audience was focused on Gwen, I continued my search for life's most elusive answer. What is the appeal of backup dancers? How can these people be the new "It" in the world of Pop culture? Once Gwen's dancers hit the stage, I knew I had found my answer.

Gwen's Tour is titled the "Harajuku Lovers Tour". Through extensive research (by extensive, I mean that I asked a cultured young lady in my office) I found that "Harajuku" defines the movement to liberate women in Asia. I am not sure what these women are attempting to free themselves from, but after watching Gwen's show, I believe the movement has two primary goals: dressing in punk attire, and teasing men with short skirts. Regardless of what it means, the Harajuku girls did a fantastic job of promoting liberation. But by night's end, it was their male counterparts in Gwen's band of backup boppers who had stolen the show.

If we were to create another list of all-time great sidekicks, I would insist that these dancing gentlemen be included on our list. Quite frankly, it's difficult to even label these cats as sidekicks because they play second fiddle to no one! I used to believe that the biggest gap in skill level between amateur and professional athletes existed in golf. After last night, I have changed my answer. Amateur dancers cannot hold a candle to pros. If you think that dancing involves brushing up next to some hottie and busting a move at the Fat Black Pussy Cat in Greenwich Village, then you are sorely mistaken. If that is considered dancing, then what I witnessed last night is something entirely different. These dancers walked across stage on their hands, spun on their heads at warp speed and threw in the occasional free style whirly-gig show-stopper, all the while, staying in sync with one another and executing textbook pelvic thrusts. This stuff is incredible!!! As our good friend, Napoleon Dynamite reminds us, women want men with skills, and these guys have skills spilling out their jump suits.

While most people would hesitate to call these men athletes, I would dub them as such. Tipping the scales with 135 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal, these men stop even the coolest 14 year-old girl in her tracks. Sporting tattoos and earrings as they walk with carefully measured limps, it is easy to see how a man of Kevin Federline's stature won Britney's heart. If I ever have a son who stops growing in third or fourth grade, I will advise him to work on his break dancing. You could certainly do worse than traveling the country with beautiful women and defying the laws of gravity each night.

So there you have it, J-Lo and Britney had it right all along. The true talent in the world of sports and entertainment lies in the sculpted physiques of backup dancers. Hats off, Mr. Federline. You have my admiration. While I was foolish enough to continue eating and taking Flintstones vitamins well into my Fall Semester of fifth grade, you chose a different path. You insisted upon walking on your hands and shaking your money maker until America's sexiest pop icon stood up, dried her seat, and bought you an engagement ring! That's right, she proposed to you! Well done, Kevin. Keep dancing, my friend.

By the way, there are rumors circulating that Britney and Kevin might be breaking up! If a marriage based entirely on sex and greed cannot be sustained in this country, then I don't even know why we bother calling ourselves Americans! If they can't make it work, then there is truly no hope for the rest of us. Good luck, Kevin. You did it once before. Win her over again. Just spin on your head for 30 seconds. She won't be able to resist you.

 

posted 1:08 pm on 12/14/05 by Jeff Tinker

Cheeseburgers and Kobe: These are a few of my favorite things

Mr. Kenna, well said. Jordan is the man! I am not questioning that. He was a phenomenal defensive player. What I am arguing is that Kobe is by far the most consistent young stud defender in the league right now. And when you add that to the fact that he is the best playmaker in the game, then you have a recipe for stardom. I have seen McGrady make about 4 great defensive plays in his career. He is a solid defender, but he struggles chasing players around screens and sprinting back down court in transition defense. Maybe he really does have back problems, or maybe he just lacks desire. In Phil Jackson's most recent book he contemplates coaching the Rockets. He states that he would not coach them because "McGrady's back only hurts when he has to run back on defense," and Yao Ming just simply isn't a very talented player. I agree with Phil on the latter (We really need to launch a Yao Ming debate very soon. I mean, is this guy not about 60 games away from becoming one of the biggest disappointments in recent memory?), and unless Tracy shows more commitment his career will play out as Jackson predicted.

LeBron will get there some day, but he isn't there yet. Having a lot of steals is great, but again, I never see him play any spectacular position defense. Wade is unreal in many aspects of the game, but like Iverson, he is shorter than many of the league's premier shooting guards and that is a disadvantage when it comes to distracting an opponent's shot. Wade and Iverson will continue to pile up steals, but Kobe is a better one on one defender because of his length. That is why I would choose Kobe in any MVP vote over any of these other perimeter players. Wade is great, but the Lakers would be worse if he took Kobe's place. Kobe bails that team out by making a lot of those 20 foot fade-aways with the shot clock about to expire. While Wade is on the brink of being legendary (and is a great shooter when he gets his feet set) he wouldn't make enough of those shots right now to help the Lakers.

Quickly, I agree about J.J. Redick. He shoot the eyes out of the basket and there is a very good chance that he will hoist a Final Four MVP trophy this year. Although, I distinctly remember a young man by the name of Donnell Williams who was an ACC shooting specialist and won a Final Four MVP award in 1993. I am not sure what happened to him. Does anybody know where he is playing now? Mark my words, if Memphis gets another crack at Duke, they will beat them. For that matter, any team that decides to attack Redick and Paulus defensively will have success. How is a team #1 in the country when they cannot rebound or stop dribble penetration?

Mr. Clarin, as a fellow veteran of the competitive eating circuit, I applaud you. Not only do you consistently produce the most entertaining entries on this website, you are also the only man I know (other than myself) who sees a sign for 59 cent cheeseburgers and truly appreciates what that means. You understand that it took tremendous foresight and dedication by numerous hungry men that came before us to produce the modern marvels known as the double and triple cheeseburgers. Don't think for one minute that you are not on my mind each time I bite into a pancake, or drizzle ketchup over a Big Mac. You are truly one of the all-time greats, DC. That's enough for now. I need to go wipe away these tears...

 

posted 9:42 am on 12/14/05 by Jeff Tinker

I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WATCHING THE NBA!

After an extremely disappointing session of Texas Hold 'Em last night, I found myself in quite a funk. I didn't sleep well. I sat in bed thinking about how much I disliked the game of poker and the other people who happened to be sitting at the table last night (Well, I don't actually dislike them but there are a few of them who I wouldn't mind not seeing for the next few days). I couldn't help but think to myself that this shouldn't be happening. This is my favorite time of the year. The NBA is in season. The human quote board that is Shaquille O'Neal has returned to the starting lineup to rescue us from the doldrums of a boring baseball postseason and the unmerciful onslaught of horrendous football that I am forced to watch, living in a region that shows the Jets and Giants each Sunday (Time for this article's random thought. I know Eli Manning is a proud member of the luck sperm club and all, but he is making some horrendous throws. Matthew Baldwin can hit me with a 10-yard pass when he is scrambling to his right in our kitchen, and Eli overthrows Jeremy Shockey, who is 9 feet tall? Come on, Baldwin is recovering from an unfortunate drinking accident and he throws better than Eli. Let's not anoint this guy as the second coming just yet) How could I be sad? This is supposed to be a happy time. Thankfully, there was a surprise waiting for me when I clicked on this webpage today.

Michael Granieri restored my faith in the human race. Despite the fact that we are merely one quarter of the way through this NBA season, someone wants to discuss potential MVP candidates! I do not believe it! I thought I was the only person alive who actually followed the NBA. Mr. Granieri has proved me wrong, and in so doing, he has turned my frown upside down.

Mr. Granieri raises some interesting points. Steve Nash is great. The guy could find a way to win 50 games every season, even if he had me starting alongside him in the backcourt. The guy is dynamite in a wide-open game, and his explosiveness on offense neutralizes, and often exceeds, his deficiencies on defense. He truly is quite impressive to watch, but Most Valuable Player in the NBA he is not. Fortunately for Nash, I do not get to vote for MVP. If I did, he would not have received any votes from me last season. He wouldn't even have made my top four last year. And he wouldn't make my top four this year.

In order to be an MVP candidate, you have to be able to play on the ball defense. Help defense has become a bigger part of the NBA, but if you are constantly beaten off the dribble, or constantly being posted up by opponents then you aren't helping your team. There are four players in the NBA that play both offense and defense well enough to be considered for MVP. These guys are the four best and the four most valuable players in the league. There aren't any surprises on this list for now, but if and when Tracy McGrady, LeBron James, Dirk Nowitzki and Amare Stoudemire start playing some defense they will certainly be included in the discussion. Dwyane Wade is also on the brink, but not quite in a class with the four guys mentioned below.

4) Kobe Bryant (Chris Kenna is composing his rebuttal right now). What separates Kobe from other All-Star shooting guards like Allen Iverson and Tracy McGrady? D-E-F-E-N-S-E. It often goes unnoticed, but Kobe is one of the best defenders in the NBA. In addition to expending tons of energy on offense, this guy defends the opposing team's best perimeter player each game. He does not have a Tayshaun Prince or a Ron Artest on his team to help lighten the load defensively. Kobe has to shoulder an awful lot at both ends of the floor. His team is absolutely terrible and yet they are still winning games because he is so dominant. There is no question that he takes some ill-advised shots, but who else do you want shooting? Kwame Brown? Chris Mihm? Smush Parker? Parker sat on the end of Detroit's bench last season, and now he is starting for the Lakers! That does not sound like a strong supporting cast to me. In addition, Kobe gets put in some tough spots throughout the course of the game. After Luke Walton fritters away 10 of the last 15 seconds on the shot clock, he will invariably pass the ball to Kobe, as if to say, "Here, it's yours now. Help us out." Bad team offense forces him into an addition 6 or 8 poor shots per game, if not more. Some would disagree with me, but Kobe's team could miss the playoffs entirely and he would still be the fourth most valuable player in the league because he is the league's best two-way guard.

3) Kevin Garnett. He's the "South Carolina kid, obsessed with ball". He is also a giraffe who can dribble, pass and shoot. The next 3 guys occupy these spots on my list because their size makes them rare commodities. Garnett is 7'1 (or 6'13 as he likes to say) and he can play small or power forward. Offensively, he is a match-up nightmare. On defense, there is only one power forward in the league that gives him trouble (he will be mentioned). Even with Garnett's team missing the playoffs last year, he was clearly far more valuable than Nash! Imagine where the Timberwolves would have been without him? Picking Nash as MVP is the same as selecting a Designated Hitter or Starting Pitcher as MVP in baseball. It simply will not happen, and for good reason. Garnett plays both ways, and Nash doesn't.

2) Tim Duncan. I have never been a huge fan of The Big Fundamental because he has the body of a center, yet he doesn't defend any centers. But, in today's NBA, there are so few competent offensive centers and so many competent power forwards, Duncan's value is still quite high as he finds himself matched up against a wide variety of quality players. Duncan often wins these match-ups, as he is a good defender if he has a size advantage (which he almost always does) and he has the best array of low post moves that the league has ever seen. Duncan is great. One of the best ever, and if it weren't for the largest member of the Aristotle Family, he would get my vote every single season.

1) Shaq. Shaq Fu. Fu Daddy. Shaq Diesel.  Whatever you want to call him, you can call him dominant; maybe the most dominant ever.  Yet, in his 13-year NBA career he has won a grand total of 1 MVP award! One! O-N-E! ONE! Shaq has as many MVP awards as Steve Nash.  Just try to digest this.  If you are still reading this, I want you to send me your thoughts.  Seriously, how is that possible?  Last night, Shaq played 27 minutes and scored 30 points! Read that line again. Are you still reading?  Read it one more time.  It takes Allen Iverson 47 minutes to score 30 points. Shaq is the most efficient scorer in league history and there is not another center in the league that can consistently post him up and score.  He does what Jordan did for years. He scores mountains of points and holds his counterpart to single digits. Yao Ming had one good game against him, and since that, Yao has been terrible.  Shaq figured him out pretty quickly and even a player with a 4-inch height advantage is helpless against O'Neal.  As long as Shaq plays more than 60 games, he should win MVP every year.  No player is more valuable.  What do you get in return if you trade Shaq??? Nothing! Why? Because Duncan is the only player that even remotely compares to him, and the Spurs aren't trading Timmy.  No other center is even close to Shaq.  He is the most valuable commodity in the league and he dominates his position more than any other player in the league.  Even at his age, and with his nagging injuries, he can still play for several more years.  His game isn't about speed.  If a team commits itself to getting him the ball, he will dominate every game, just like he did last night. Watch out.  Pat Riley might actually know what he is doing.

Nash is great. He is Canada's Most Valuable Player. No question about it. But more valuable than Shaq? No way. If Shaq is healthy, he should win MVP every season. If not, then Tim Duncan should win MVP. I have yet to hear a good argument for anyone else. Chicago fans: remember when Karl Malone won the MVP award instead of Michael Jordan? That was an atrocity! And the same thing is happening to Shaq every year.

I want to extend a special thanks to Michael Granieri for getting me to step back from the ledge outside my office window. Thanks, Mike.

posted 1:12 pm on 12/13/05 by Jeff Tinker

More favorite sidekicks.....

Lucius Lauren---Secretariat's Trainer. Everyone knows how incredible this Big Red Machine of an animal was, but few people know about his trainer. Lucius made the decision to have Secretariat run with partial blinders to help keep the dirt out of his eyes. Secretariat finished 4th in his first race. After that, old Lucius made one of the best coaching decisions in recorded history, and the rest was, well, history! Lucius didn't have a 25-foot stride and he couldn't run around the track at world record speed, but he consistently made all the important decisions that helped make Secretariat a legend.

Robert Horry---Houston Rockets, Los Angeles Lakers, San Antonio Spurs. If you are reading this website and you don't know who Robert Horry is, then click the f#@*ing X in the upper right-hand corner! This man has hit 5 game-winning shots in the postseason alone, and numerous others in the regular season. If he hadn't bailed out Shaq and Kobe in Game 4 of the 2002 Western Conference Finals, we would be hailing the Sacramento Kings as one of the best teams of the decade. And any player who can cause Dave Mandel and me to have telepathic conversations during a timeout in the NBA Finals has to be money!

Dave: "I know exactly what Jeff is thinking...

Jeff: "Rasheed is going to leave Horry all alone, and he's not going to drill one."

Al Michaels: "Horry for 3! He did it again!"

 

posted 10:11 am on 12/12/05 by Jeff Tinker

Does Anyone Want Reggie?

Reggie Bush had no problem getting lots of love from Heisman voters this season. And who could blame America's sportswriters. This guy is clearly the best player in College Football. He had a season's worth of yards in his last two games! But once January 4th passes, I am not so sure that things will continue to come up Roses for young Reggie. It appears that there aren't too many teams in the NFL that want him on their roster. This is a seldom discussed topic, but haven't the NFL's bottom feeders been acting a little strange lately? Heading into Thanksgiving, there were realistically 4 teams that had a chance at the worst record in the NFL, thus capturing the number 1 pick in the draft and the rights to Reggie Bush. The worst of the worst included the Houston Texans, San Francisco Forty-Niners, Green Bay Packers and the New York Jets. The Foul Four have been able to avoid the media hype and pressure that accompanies the chase for the league's worst record because of the fantastic success of the Indianapolis Colts, who are now 13-0 and have their sights set on immortality (As a side note: if you are a modern day sports fan, you have to be rooting for the Colts. I saw 3 seconds of an interview with Mercury Morris, former 1972 Dolphins Running Back, and it was the first time I have ever hated someone after seeing their face for only 3 seconds. Mercury boasted, "Don't call me when someone is in my town, call me when they are on my street." Mercury, I have some news for you, not only are the 2005 Colts better than the 1972 Dolphins, the 2005 USC Trojans would beat your team by 6 touchdowns! It is absolutely ridiculous that human beings are even debating the fact that the '72 Dolphins might be the best team ever! Please Peyton, finish the job!). But in my eyes, it is far more interesting to watch the league's four worst teams battle it out in the Reggie Bush Sweepstakes. That is, if they even want Reggie at all?

Entering Week 14, the Texans (1-12) were the front-runners, sporting just one blemish in an otherwise perfect season. The Forty-Niners, Jets and Packers were not far behind, each team methodically checking off the list of victims and racking up 2-11 starts. But like any road to glory, there will be stumbling blocks. For the Jets and Packers, Sunday, December 11, 2005 will go down as a dark day in franchise history.

The Jets had a tall task in front of them: a home game against the reeling Oakland Raiders, who were benching starting quarterback Kerry Collins in favor of Marques Tuiasosopo. The magnitude of the moment proved too much for the Jets to overcome. Not only did Tiuasosopo play badly, he was so abysmal, even Herm Edwards couldn't find a way to lose. The result was a painful one for the Jets; a 26-10 win that has effectively ended their chances of securing Reggie Bush. Apparently, the Jets don't see Reggie as the future of the franchise.

The Packers also had a potential disaster on their hands when they took the field in Green Bay on Sunday Night. They were facing the hapless Detroit Lions, a team that once was a contender in the drive for imperfection. But like so many others that came before them, too many fourth quarter drives resulted in victories; not enough victories to salvage a respectable season, but just enough to ensure that they would not acquire Reggie Bush, and thus, remain perennial NFL losers. The Packers were trying to avoid the same fate, and they had to feel pretty good about their chances. Brett Favre is in the midst of the worst season in NFL history, and surely, he would stop at nothing to complete the imperfect season. Unfortunately for the Packers after a tremendous start (they were trailing 13-3 in the middle of the second quarter), the wheels came off the wagon. The Lions offense sputtered and Brett Favre's 50 yard flings that had propelled him to a league leading 21 interceptions began to find the hands of his receivers. The world watched in horror as the Packers erased a 10 point deficit, forced Overtime and ultimately prevailed 16-13. Once again, another team refused to draft a player who superimposes area codes on his eye black and runs a 4.0000001 40 yard dash.

So here we stand, three short weeks left in the NFL season, and two teams still alive. Two teams still campaigning for Bush. But it won't be easy. Obstacles still remain for both contenders.

The Texans are certainly still the front runners as they cling to a 1 game lead. Next week they host the Cardinals. The Texans have been good at home (1-5), but not as good as their perfect 0-7 record on the road. While Arizona is a better team on paper, the home crowd will be a tough test for the Texans. After that, the Jaguars come to town on Christmas Day. While the Texans will do their best to hand the Jags another gift, I have a feeling that Houston is praying for the speedy return of Byron Leftwich to ensure a Jacksonville victory. If all goes as planned, the Texans will set up a showdown for the ages in Week 17 against the only team that stands between them and drafting the next Gayle Sayers: The San Francisco Forty-Niners.

This is the kind of stuff that Bill Shakespeare couldn't write. If San Francisco can manage to get past two road games at Jacksonville and St. Louis, they can set up this century's best Week 17 matchup! As much as I would like to punch my ticket for Houston, the Forty-Niners could falter. As all of you capture pool participants know, San Fran defeated the Rams in Week 1! St. Louis could easily victimize the Niners again!

If San Francisco and Houston can be equal to the task these next two weeks, we will have a barnburner on our hands in Week 17. And to make things even more delicious, a Texans victory in Week 17 would vault San Francisco ahead of them for the first pick in the draft with the Forty-Niners losing (in other words, winning) the head-to-head tiebreaker! Better yet, if San Fran gets the first pick, Reggie Bush will be reunited with his high school Quarterback, Alex Smith. Two number 1 NFL picks from the same high school, playing on the same team! Wow! Tell Joe Buck and Troy Aikman to get ready! It's going to be a good one!

If the Colts take the field against the Arizona Cardinals with a 15-0 record, all eyes will be on them. But in reality, if Indy doesn't win the Super Bowl, their 16-0 record will all be for naught. For the Texans and Forty-Niners, January 1, 2006 is the last day of their season, and it is as big as championship games get!

While I am not one to make outlandish predictions, I think the magnitude of this game requires me to look into my crystal ball. As tough as San Fran is, I think David Carr will show why Houston signed him to one of the richest rookie contracts in NFL history.

Prediction: Carr gets sacked twice in the end zone to wrestle defeat from the jaws of victory. Texans escape with a 4-2 loss.

After that, all that will be left to find out is whether or not Reggie Bush can build on the legacy that these 2005 Texans have created. It is certainly a tall task. But at least Reggie will be in a place where he is loved.

 

posted 3:31 pm on 12/9/05 by Jeff Tinker

While I won't be writing an entry each day, I feel the need to contribute one more today because the selection process for the US Men's Basketball team is underway.

Building Team USA

Yesterday, ESPN.com polled fans to see what players they would like to see representing the United States at the 2008 Olympics when Coach Mike Krzyzewski attempts to restore glory to a team that had its pride badly damaged in 2004. Not surprisingly, I have an opinion on the topic of who should play on this team. Here is a list of 12 guys who I believe should wear Team USA jerseys in Beijing. I constructed the list with some elements of reality and some elements of fantasy. Will Shaq still be playing in 2008? Who knows? But for now, let's assume he will. Will Duncan get over his disdain for international referees? (As Chris Kenna correctly pointed out in yesterday's blog, Duncan has a real problem when the calls don't go his way) I have a feeling if the invitation is extended, Timmy will find his way to the Far East. With that accepted, let's first look at how the team should be constructed.

Two things seem to be of immense importance in International competition: solid perimeter shooters and good team defenders. By solid perimeter shooters, I do not mean Richard Jefferson, Stephon Marbury and Allen Iverson. Those guys are all solid players, but they won't make my roster. Team USA needs reliable spot-up shooters who can move without the ball. Second, team defense takes precedence over on the ball defense because the game is officiated differently than it is in the NBA. There is no hand checking in the international game, so unfortunately two of my favorite players get left off this roster. No invitations for Tayshaun Prince and Ron Artest. If I was starting an NBA roster, one (if not both) of these guys would be on my roster. These two are fantastic, but with the different rules defense cannot be played on an individual basis. Perimeter defenders will get beaten off the dribble in the international game, and any team that wants to win gold needs solid post defenders who can slide across the lane and help with penetration. With these things in mind, here's the squad!

The Starting Five (I actually propose using two lines of five with five-man substitutions every 8 minutes or so. Under any other circumstances, this would be a bad idea, but these guys can handle it, and it makes practice time much more productive while allowing players to get comfortable with a specific group, much like their competitors will already be. Plus, we want to avoid having Shaq and Kobe on the floor together.)

1) The plane does not take off unless Michael Redd has his seat belt safely fastened and his tray table is stowed. Team USA needs this guy. He is the best pure shooter in the league right now and he doesn't need the ball in his hands to make things happen. They sorely missed a player like this in 2004! He starts at small forward. Wait. He's not a small forward? No problem. They don't have any small forwards who play with their back to the basket in the international game so Redd will be just fine defensively. Plus, the idea here is to help on defense and play as a team.

2) Every great team needs a quarterback. Here, Chauncey Billups gets the nod. The man is a great clutch free throw shooter and he brings tremendous toughness! He's the best point guard in the league and he knows what "team" means. His running mate will make sure that opponents learn one english phrase very well...

3) "R.I.P." Richard Hamilton starts at shooting guard. He is one of the best shooters in the league, and no one else moves better without the ball. Coach K got a firsthand look at this cat back in 1999 when UConn beat Duke in the NCAA Championship game, and I bet he would pretty happy to have him on his squad. Billups and RIP are the best backcourt in the NBA, why break them up?

4) The next selection is here mostly for defensive purposes. Plus, he's the most dominant player in basketball. Shaquille O'Neal!!!!!!!! In 2004, Sarunas Jasikevicius had to worry about Shawn Marion sliding across the lane to block his shot, now he will have to deal with Shaq. Trust me, he will notice the difference. Offensive players struggle when Shaq is anywhere near them. Just ask Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili why they couldn't beat the Lakers in the 2004 Westen Conference Finals. O'Neal is awfully rough on opposing slashers and he isn't afraid to deal out some punishing fouls. We have plenty of depth on this team so foul trouble won't be an issue. Oh by the way, Shaq plays some offense too! The Olympics haven't seen a 40 and 20 game in quite some time. I figure Shaq is good for two of them during the Games. Go ahead, play zone. Try boxing out Shaq on the weak side of a zone with your 6'10 205-pound small forward. Best of luck to you. Mr. Redd and Mr. Hamilton will stretch the defense on the perimeter and Shaq will stretch the defense inside, forcing two defenders to occupy the low post, and leaving plenty of room at the high post for the greatest power forward that ever lived...

5) Tim Duncan. This is the dream position for him! Team defense is all Tim ever wants! Tim hates playing guys one on one, and now he doesn't have to go it alone. He is a better finesse player than a post up player. He is money from 15 feet, and with Shaq roaming around inside, Tim will be open all day long at the high post. And to top things off, he will only be the second worst free throw shooter on this team. Tim will love this!

Wow, I am mildly aroused by all of this!

"Second Starting Five" (We don't have first and second string here. These guys are all starters in my mind. This group will play second so we can take advantage of our depth in the best way possible; by showing some athleticism. Once the opposition is utterly frustrated with Timmy and the Big Aristotle, and looking a little fatigued, we will bring in the greyhounds and unleash Hell's Fury! This group will have one goal: rebound the ball and then ram it down their throats! Remember what I said at the outset? All that stuff about strong perimeter shooting and team defense? That does not apply here. For 16 of the 40 minutes each game, our only goal will be to wear down the opposition.)

6) Dwyane Wade! Sorry Dwyane, you're a point guard. I love you. You're amazing, but you're not a shooting guard, especially not on this squad. Wade's blazing speed will help ignite some fast break opportunities, as we attempt to pick up the tempo of the game in the late first and early second quarters. Normally this spot would be reserved for Jason Kidd, but I think the game has passed him by and Wade is our guy now. I wonder what two wing players would complement him well in an open court style of offense?

7) Kobe Bean Bryant. I realize that this will upset Mr. Kenna, but there's no way around it. Until LeBron figures out how to play defense, Kobe is still the best player in the NBA. He has a lot of 11 for 38 nights and he also has a lot of 15 for 30 nights, which is pretty impressive because he never has a chance to take open shots. He is yearning to play for Coach K and he will be a good teammate in these Olympic Games. No one in the international game will stop this guy in the open floor. And though I don't want to veer off the topic too much, we should all cut Kobe some slack. Will he ever be MJ? Who knows? Jordan won his first title when he was 28. Kobe has 3 rings already and he is 26! Plus, he never had players like Scottie Pippen and Ron Harper to help defend the opposing team's lead guard. MJ had lots of help and spent a lot of nights resting on defense. Yes, Kobe had Shaq, but Michael's supporting cast was a lot better overall and it was better geared toward Jordan's strengths. Let's see how many championships Kobe has at age 31. Even if he doesn't win anymore, he'll have the same number that MJ did at that age. Shhhh. Don't tell Michael.

8) LeBron James. There is no way the marketing juggernaut that is the NBA allows this team to compete without LeBron, which is fine because he and Wade are good for at least 4 show-stopping moments per game. Everyone wins with him on the squad. And who knows, maybe Coach K gets bored one game and decides to play zone. LeBron playing the back end of a 2-3 zone with these next 2 guys is absolutely frightening!

9) Amare Stoudemire will get the nod at center on the 2nd unit. After Amare secures a rebound, he will have one goal (just like his role in Phoenix): outlet the ball to one of the 3 all-star guards and then get to the other end of the floor as fast as possible. With Amare trailing the fastbreak, they better bring a few extra backboards to Beijing!

10) You can't have a Dream Team without Kevin Garnett. This second group will have 5 players that can all dribble, pass and shoot. Depending on who the US is facing, these guys might even start the game. Garnett will get his points here, and I think he can certainly cross over and play power forward with Shaq at center once in awhile.

Two Other Guys You Have To Bring Along

11) Ray Allen. Coach K will use this spot for either J.J. Redick or Dick Vitale. I am not sure who sucks up to Coach K more, but whoever wins that battle will get the nod. If it were my team, I would favor Ray Allen here. Why? Well, he is a nasty shooter and he's a fantastic athlete. Oh, and he is a lot better than Redick. And if something happens to Redd or Hamilton, we have an insurance policy. I see Allen getting some minutes in place of LeBron with our second unit. I love Bron Bron, but Jesus Shuttlesworth is too good to ride the pine for two weeks. And believe me, he will get plenty of looks from his favorite spot at the top of the key.

12) This final guy is the real wild card: Rasheed Wallace. Rasheed! In a Team USA jersey! No! No way! Well on my team, he would be on the roster. He rebounds well and he can knock down perimeter shots. Plus, I think the reverse psychology theory would work here. Rasheed has always been grouped in with the bad boys. Treat him like an adult, and he will play nicely with the other young men. Plus, two additional fun notions come into play here. One, can you imagine Rasheed interacting with Beijing for two weeks??? Neither can I. That's why I want to see it. Secondly, Coach K is the master of motivation. Can't you see him buying Chinese newspapers and paying someone to "translate" the sports section for the locker room quote board.

"Hey, Rasheed. Manu says that you're soft. And he thinks that heavy weight championship belt you wear around is a joke. Oh, and also, he thinks there's no way you would make the Argentine squad."

I can see the box score now. Rasheed Wallace: 20 points, 10 rebounds, 5 blocks, 4 fouls, 8 minutes. Just imagine the possibilities!

So there you have it. Get these 12 guys to play for Team USA and we will be all set. I know Coach K probably hasn't chosen assistants yet, but I would say he should make sure to include Greg Poppovich and Phil Jackson. Pop is the greatest game manager ever. Just let him be in charge of deciding when to call timeouts. The man is the human momentum swing, just waiting to happen. And we all know Phil would enjoy a trip to the Far East to catch up on the newest trends in Zen philosophy and perhaps find a quiet spot to meditate for awhile. And who better to have on the bench when you have 5 seconds left in a quarter or half and you need to draw up an offensive set. No one does it better than the Zen Master.

Gentlemen, what do you think? Did I leave anyone important off the roster?

 

posted 9:00 AM on 12/8/05 by Jeff Tinker

Things I Learned While Watching The 2005 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show
 
1)  Seal is The Man!  Flat out.  Straight up.  He is the man!  Why?  Because he sings for a living and he is married to Heidi Klum.  On Tuesday night, as I watched Seal belt out his trade mark lyrics, several things were running through my mind.  First, he is the only singer who songs always cause me to say, "Oh, I know this song, but I can never remember the title."  Seriously, every time one of his songs come on I know every word, but I cannot think of the song's title.  I don't know why  this is.  Second, this guy is an inspiration for all of us.  If a dude with scars on his face and merely good (certainly not great) musical talent can wed and then impregnate Heidi Klum, then there has to be hope for the rest of mankind.  Then again, maybe Seal is just lucky or has some sort of amazing intangible qualities that draw women to him?  Heidi couldn't say enough about how wonderful he is.  I am guessing that Heidi could pretty much have her pick of the litter, given the fact that she scores a 100 on the traditional 1 to 10 scale.  However, she selected a man with scars on his face who has a good voice, but often looks like he is in pain while he sings.
 
Needless to say, when Seal was interviewed, he was excited to be married to Heidi.  In his unique accent (some sort of combination of British, Australian and German, which I had never heard before) he told the camera, "Each time I see her, whether it's on a runway, or in our apartment, my heart definitely flexes."  While my roommate, Matt struggled to pick himself up off the floor after several minutes of laughter, I sat on the couch awestruck.  Seal was overstating the obvious.  I think it would be more impressive (although ultimately bad) if his heart stopped "flexing" when he saw her.  The fact that it is still working is probably nothing abnormal.  But in all seriousness, Heidi Klum should be married to Jeremy Shockey or Fred Smoot.  But she's not.  She chose to marry this exotic crooner who, in my eyes, may be this generation's Einstein or DaVinci.  He is doing something right.  I am not sure why they are together, but I do know this:  Seal is THE MAN!
 
2)  Ricky Martin has been stealing from society for the better part of a decade.  When I heard, "Performing next, Ricky Martin," I thought someone had incorrectly loaded the tape deck.  When was this fashion show taped?  I thought Ricky Martin was dead.  It just so happens that he was not only alive, but also still shaking his Bon-Bon and sporting a concoction of facial hair that is referred to as a "chin strap."  Save for David Ortiz, this sort of facial hair has negative consequences for the rest of the population.  Needless to say, Ricky looked about three clicks to the left of ridiculous and his Latin remake of "Drop It Like It's Hot" didn't exactly knock my socks off either.  I will give him one thing, he can really dance.  His dance moves were so overwhelming that the back up dancers (who were all 12s on the 1 to 10 hotness scale and were dancing in the only venue in the world where they would not be considered the hottest girls at the party) had to basically give up and phase themselves out of the routine.  No one can dance with Ricky, except for Ricky.  Take that as you will.
 
This man has no talent.  If you are attracted to Latin Men with bad facial hair, I am sure you would love to find him dancing near you at Club Dome on New Year's Eve, but other than that, I see no reason why this man should have earned millions of dollars for Livin' La Vida Loca, while the rest of us grind it out 9 to 5 each day.
 
3)  There was something special permeating the water supply in Eastern Europe in the early 1980s.  Again, I am not sure this question can be answered by a simple-minded man like myself, but there are some smart people in this world who need to spend time investigating this.  Every up and coming Super Model in her early-20s is from Eastern Europe.  Occasionally Brazil (Giselle Bundchen) or America (Tyra Banks) throws in a wild card, but for the most part, Eastern Europe wins.  Bucknell will win a game in the NCAA Tournament every now and again, but the Duke Blue Devils aren't nervous just yet.  This is the same way I feel about Eastern Europe.  Somehow, the number of perfect females being born there far exceeds the numbers in other regions.  They have an enormous advantage in this category!  In addition to having far too many consonants in their names, these girls have eyes and smiles that could stop traffic.  Once you throw in the fact that they are also 6 feet tall with measurements of 36-18-24, you have a recipe for world domination.  Once the geniuses in this country figure out what was going on with the water supply in Eastern Europe, they should find away to get Alessandra Ambrosio instated as Hillary Clinton's running mate in the next election.  I have a feeling that Alessandra would be all that Hillary needs to carry the swing states.  Plus, since Congress is spending all its precious time solving the mystery of the Bowl Championship Series and finding out whether or not utility infielders used performance enhancing drugs in 1998, it shouldn't be too hard to get them to overlook the issue of citizenship for young Alessandro. 
 
Can you just picture what those debates would look like.
 
Candidate X: "The education system in this country has to change, and it has to change now!
 
Alessandra:  "In 2005, I wore a bikini made entirely of candy."
 
I have a sneaking suspicion that Mike Tice would scalping tickets in the parking lot for that one.
 
4)  Watching these programs is good for the soul.  Seriously, it is very, very good. 
 
5)  I am not kidding.  SEAL IS THE MAN!

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