The Bottom Line
The Honorary Michael Granieri Guest Post Page
posted 3:15 pm on 2/8/06 by Ross Weiner
Bauer and Clemens: How do they Connect?
As an avid 24 fan, I, along with every other male in the viewing population have developed quite a man crush on Jack Bauer. Is there anything he cannot do? Bauer is as resourceful as MacGyver, as compassionate as Gandhi (when he has to be), and as feisty as Eric Schauer when you tell him after 12 beers that perhaps a 13th is not in his best interest. Jack has recently returned from the dead, back for an action-packed fifth season of 24. In related news (at least to me), stories have come out this week that the Red Sox are planning a big PR push in an attempt to lure Roger Clemens back to Boston, for all the sentimentality that will ensue. One more victory pitching for the Sox will push the Rocket past Cy Young as the franchise’s leader in career wins. Closing out his career with a championship, pitching for the team where it all began…well, I guess aside from Jerome Bettis, that’s as storybook as it gets. Where am I going with all this? This past week’s episode of 24, which featured the lingering question of how Jack will break the news that, “Surprise! I’m alive!” to his daughter, coupled with the latest news on Roger got me thinking: How do Bauer and Clemens connect?
Jack Bauer’s life is complicated. Of course, according to the latest joke being circulated in an email, “When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.” His fake death at the end of Season 4, along with his somewhat corny departure into the sunset, led fans to wonder 1) how would he return in any capacity to once again save the world, and 2) did everyone believe that he was dead? And by everyone, I mean his girlfriend, Audrey Raines, and his daughter, Kim (the naughty Elisha Cuthbert, who over the course of four seasons made more bad decisions than the executives of Enron). These questions were quickly answered in the premiere of season 5, as President Palmer was assassinated, team Tony and Michelle was quickly dispensed with (by the way, Tony will be back working at CTU in five hours…that’s a guarantee), and Bauer was once again on the prowl, covertly teaming with Chloe, queen of the awkward conversation. Despite the fact that 24 fans everywhere were thrilled that 24 was finally back on, the question in my mind was how would those around Jack react to the fact that he was very much alive.
To say Clemens’ relationship with Sox fans has been tumultuous, well, that’s like saying O.J. and Nicole had a few problems during their marriage. After striking out 20 against the Tigers in 1986 and leading the Sox to the precipice of a championship (only to controversially ask out in the seventh inning of game 6 of the 1986 World Series), the flame-thrower from Texas endeared himself to Sox fans with his grit, work ethic, determination and stunning velocity. While I could recap his entire career, I’d rather skip ahead to the important stuff. From 1993 to 1996, Clemens posted a win-loss record of 40-39 for Boston, which led to the Sox not re-signing him and caused Dan Duquette to utter the immortal words that the Rocket was “in the twilight of his career.” Roger bolted north of the border to Toronto to be closer to his family in Texas (it wasn’t about the money…right), where after two remarkable Cy Young winning seasons, he orchestrated a trade that led him to the Yankees. It was there that he not only won his elusive championship(s), but also stomped on Sox fans’ hearts as we had to endure more nauseating images along the lines of Wade Boggs’ horse ride.
Clearly, this is the kind of thing that can sour a fan base on a player. In 1999, game 3 of the ALCS featured the much anticipated match up of Clemens vs. Martinez, old ace vs. new ace, in perhaps the most electric game Fenway Park had ever seen (I can gladly report that games 4 and 5 of the 2004 ALCS are now atop that list). During the game, Clemens was shelled, Martinez was brilliant, and the Sox fans lets Roger have it. Oh did they let him have it. Chants of “Rogggggggggggggger, Roggggggggggggger” began during warm-ups and only got louder as the game, and rout, progressed. Clemens was pulled after two-plus innings, giving up 5 runs on 6 hits in perhaps the most disappointing start of his career. This would be the only game the Sox would win in the series, eventually going down in 5. The verbal abuse heaped down upon Roger, along with his wife in the stands, led any rational thinking human to the conclusion that Clemens would never come back to Boston. Talk of his return was displaced by hypothetical arguments over which cap would one day adorn his Cooperstown plaque.
Fast forward seven years and it appears his return is more than just a remote possibility. As for Jack Bauer, well, make no mistake about it, he is back in full force.
If you are Kim Bauer, or a Red Sox fan, how are you to react to the news of such returns? While both Jack and Roger have had storied careers, Bauer is a good man and Clemens is a bad one; having said that, shouldn’t they both be entitled to happy endings? At first glance, it appears that the time heals all wounds cliché would apply, and both Kim and Sox fans would be ecstatic to have either man return. But take a closer look, and I believe this mirage will dissipate before your very eyes.
Kim has suffered the loss of her mother at the hands of Nina Myers, Jack’s nemesis and, ahem, one-time mistress. Her fiancé and now husband Chase lost an arm working for Jack at CTU (no worries…it was re-attached), and Kim’s life has been enriched by enough stress to make John McCain’s time as a POW appear soothing. She no doubt grieved for her father for weeks and months, and even now still feels the emptiness of never getting to say goodbye. There’s also lingering bitterness in that her father consistently put his country first and his family second, forcing himself to make tough concessions, time after time. Do you think she really wants him back?
Red Sox fans came to the conclusion that Roger Clemens was a bad, bad, bad man. He left town for the money. He went to the Evil Empire. He finally got in shape after leaving Boston. Sports Guy dubbed him the antichrist in perhaps the best piece of his career. Here’s a sampling:
Put it this way: Watching Clemens lighting it up in Canada was like breaking up with your girlfriend, then watching her hire a personal trainer, shed 15 pounds, spend 10 Gs on a boob job and join the cast of "Baywatch."…We felt jilted, we felt used and we started rooting against him. Vehemently.
Having said all this, do we as Red Sox fans, or Kim Bauer as Jack’s daughter, really want to re-write the endings? My answer is a resounding “no.” Clemens cannot, in my opinion, just prance back into town, commanding 18 million for half a season, and win back his place in the hearts and minds of Boston sports fans. He gave up this right when he left for Toronto, and if the door was even remotely open after this, he slammed it shut when he demanded and received a trade to the Yankees. Clemens isn’t one of us. In fact, the man has been eerily consistent throughout his career in being exactly what the U.S. government would like its soldiers to be, “An army of one.” The man will be 44, is prone to injury, and has made his bed- now it’s time for him to lay in it.
As for Bauer, well, his situation is a little more complicated. The sentimentalists among us are hoping for a happy reunion, if nothing else to get Kim Bauer back on screen and displace Chloe as 24’s built-in sex appeal. However, this is not realistic. Jack will always be better off without any attachments, if for no other reason than it will let him do his job more effectively. He has put Kim through enough, and a “Surprise, I’m still alive!” call will do nothing but postpone the inevitable of a time when Jack really will be felled by terrorists (as unlikely as it seems). He has been forced to make sacrifices throughout his career, and faking his own death on behalf of his country was no doubt the biggest. But do not forget, Jack made these decisions and he must live with them. While it’s hard for me to say this, I believe it’s in Jack’s best interest to allow Kim to continue to believe he is dead, and once again, after this latest threat is over, to retreat somewhere (perhaps with Audrey) and start anew.
Bauer and Clemens. Clemens and Bauer. Both men of greatness, perhaps even the best ever at what they each do. Both have made decisions, both must deal with the consequences.
posted 8:38 am on 2/3/06 by Ted Rossman
T.R. says the Broncos need T.O.
Hey guys, love the site. As the current host of "The Bottom Line," I
thought it was time I chimed in. As a devoted Denver Broncos fan, I want the
team to sign Terrell Owens. Yes, that's right, Mr. Controversy himself,
Terrell Owens. Here's why:
1. I love Rod Smith, but he'll be 36 by the start of next season. Sure, he's
been dependable. Probably even more than dependable: 85 catches for 1105 yards
and 6 touchdowns this season, 1000+ yards in 8 of the last 9 seasons. Owens
would be an unbelievable addition as the Broncos' #1 receiver. He's caught 13+
touchdowns in 4 of his last 5 full seasons. That brings me to my next point...
2. Ashley Lelie is not a #1 receiver, and I sure wouldn't mind having him as a
#3 behind Owens and Smith. Lelie has big play potential (he led the Broncs
with 18.3 yards per catch this season), but has never caught more than 54
passes in a season. He's 26 now, and I say his odds of growing into a #1
receiver are pretty slim.
3. The Broncos are just one great player away from reaching the Super Bowl. We
know that as long as Mike Shanahan is the coach, just about anyone will
succeed as the Denver running back. In the last few seasons, Terrell Davis,
Mike Anderson, Olandis Gary, and Clinton Portis have all posted 1000+ yard
seasons. This is a team dedicated to the run and built around a dominant
offensive line. It worries me slightly that Owens may not like this dedication
to running the football, but I think point #4 will ease those fears...
4. Owens is looking for a rebound and the Broncos are the right situation for
him. Mike Shanahan has proven over the past 11 years that he is more than
capable of juggling egos. This guy won two Super Bowls and he did so with a
pretty loud cast: Shannon Sharpe, John Elway, Terrell Davis, Steve Atwater, et
al. Those teams had a ton of talent but they also had large egos, and Shanahan
managed them like the true mastermind he is. This past season, Denver took a
flier on Maurice Clarett. Shanahan didn't let his presence be a distraction.
When he eventually cut Clarett, Shanahan proved he's the boss, and his
credibility around the NFL has kept Clarett off anyone else's roster. If
Shanahan can't make it work, the conventional wisdom seems to be saying that
no one can. Shanahan will put the Broncos first (as he did this year when he
cut the legendary Jerry Rice because Rice was no better than a fourth wideout)
and Owens will follow. He knows he's more valuable on the field than off it,
and finally...
5. The Broncos will be a far less volatile environment than Philadelphia was
for Owens. Jake Plummer looks like he just wandered into the Broncos'
Headquarters from a hunting trip gone awry. Smith and Mike Anderson are two of
the quietest and most unselfish All-Pro caliber players in the NFL. The
Broncos' offensive line has a self-imposed ban on speaking to the media, and
the defense is filled with solid veteran leaders (Trevor Pryce, John Lynch,
and Ian Gold among them). Furthermore, Denver is an NFL outpost. As one of
just two teams in the forgotten mountain time zone, the pressures of
Philadelphia and the east coast media machine will be entirely removed. Owens
is a natural fit for this laid-back team. They'll quietly produce around him,
and he can do his thing.
So there you have it. Come to Denver, T.O. Our hopes for Super Bowl XLI are
riding on you!
posted 3:26 pm on 2/1/06 by Matt Marek
Sex or Augusta Response
First off, thanks to all the bottomlineguys.com contributors. While I often do not agree with all your sentiments on every topic, reading the site is much more interesting than a lot of what's out on the internet today (I know thats a backhanded compliment, but that's the best you'll get from me). If I wasn't stuck in the white collar sweatshop known as "public accounting busy season," I think I would be a semi-regular guest poster. On to the current matter at hand...
@ Monk's Coffee Shop
Jerry: So what did you do?
George: I told her I would have to think about it.
Jerry: But ultimately, you're gonna choose in favor of sex, right?
George: I don't know. Perhaps I can better serve the world this way.
Jerry: You mean, not subjecting the world to your sexual advances.
George: Simple joke from a simple man.
Jerry: So you're never gonna have sex again?
George: Well, Jerry. There was a pretty good chance I was never gonna have sex
again anyway.
I thought about the no sex for a year v. Augusta tee time for about 30 seconds before coming to my answer: Amen Corner, here I come. And after 15 minutes of reflection on my decision, I'm surprised I took that long to pick Augusta.
posted 3:26 pm on 1/30/06 by Ross Weiner
The Boston Sports Update (in case you don't watch ESPN)
So I’m sitting here in my office, bored out of my mind, currently in the middle of a two hour sexual harassment training session (via webcast/conference call) that is more humorous than informational. The truth is, I’ve spent the entire time thinking about what Michael Scott would say during this presentation. Rather than contemplating “Is this or is this not harassment,” I keep pondering what the most awkward thing possible would be to blurt out. Alas, my phone is on mute and I haven’t said a single word since it began.
Since the capital of the sports world is no doubt Boston, Massachusetts (along with the capital of liberal senators who are borderline incompetent), I thought that perhaps a guest column out of a card-carrying member of Red Sox nation might be appreciated, to at the very least stem the tide of all the White Sox praising, Gwen Stefani gawking, and NBA talk that dominates this board. (Note: I’m not a Patriots fan. My Giants were decimated by the Panthers, with Eli Manning scribing the first chapter of his new novel, Why It Sucks That the Peyton Manning Face Is Genetic.)
In breaking news, the prodigal son is returning! No, this does not mean Greg Smith is moving back to Chicago. This was one of the headlines in response to Theo’s decision to come back to the Red Sox (despite never really leaving). What do I think about this? How about, “Who cares?” To be honest, the organization didn’t miss a beat when he left. What everyone fails to understand is that they have gotten much stronger this off-season. Getting Josh Beckett, a potential ace who will fall under the tutelage of Curt Schilling, is a fantastic move. Ridding themselves of Renteria, who as I can attest to (he was my second round fantasy pick last year in perhaps the worst drafting decision this side of the Pistons taking Darko) was absolutely horrendous in 2005. Picking up Mark Loretta, an OBP machine who has had some big years, will give the Sox one of the best second basemen in the American League. Plus, signing Seanez and Tavarez (yes, a registered nutcase, but a lot of, um, upside) will definitely strengthen the bullpen (the worst in baseball last year).
Don’t get me wrong. I heart Theo and what he’s done with and for the Sox, but his leaving, the soap opera that ensued, and now his return have been way overblown. This is something that should/could have been taken care of in-house, and the fact that the entire episode played out in the media was bad for the Red Sox PR (maybe Schauer could help them), but not necessarily for the Red Sox themselves. As it turns out, this might be the best thing that could have transpired, as by all accounts, the organization has righted the ship and is now back on course.
Lastly, and obviously the most controversial move, was the departure of Johnny Damon to the Yankees (Jesus to the Evil Empire? Sounds like Jewish propaganda). “How could this happen?” the people of Boston cried out. Athletes are sell outs…where’s the loyalty…this is because Theo left…the Sox are in shambles. These were some of the utterances heard on WEEI. Make no mistake about it, the Red Sox made a conscientious decision to let Johnny Damon go, much like they did with Pedro a year earlier. They made a below market but substantial offer in order to appease the fan base, but have no doubt, the decision to let Damon walk was made long ago.
Take a look here:
|
SPLIT |
G |
AB |
R |
H |
2B |
3B |
HR |
RBI |
SB |
BA |
OBP |
SLG |
|
PLAYER A |
145 |
594 |
86 |
178 |
42 |
4 |
16 |
69 |
15 |
.300 |
.345 |
.465 |
|
SPLIT |
G |
AB |
R |
H |
2B |
3B |
HR |
RBI |
SB |
BA |
OBP |
SLG |
|
PLAYER B |
148 |
624 |
117 |
197 |
35 |
6 |
10 |
75 |
18 |
.316 |
.366 |
.439 |
Not an enormous difference, right? Now, take into account that player A is 26 and entering his prime, while player B is 33 and exiting his prime. Player A will be making approximately 20 million over the next four years. Player B will be making 52 million. The decision doesn’t seem so crazy now, does it? In fact, the papers here are now stating that the Sox have been scouting Crisp (player A) since September, and this is really the heart of their new “vision,” which is just another way of saying that they will be using their high payroll to always be competitive, yet at the same time keeping an eye out for the future, to avoid the pitfalls that the Yankees have tripped over of late. While the State of the Union is a big question mark (thanks President Bush), have no fear, the state of the Red Sox is in the words of Greg Focker, “strong to quite strong.”
In other Boston sports news, the Celtics made a big deal, ridding themselves of an albatross of a contract (6 years and 40 million for the incomparable Mark Blount), and getting Long Island’s own Wally _________iak for Ricky Davis. First, Boston loves white basketball players. This is a fact. Cousy, Heinsohn, Bird, McHale, Ainge and of course Brian Scalabrine come to mind. So, perhaps there were some racial considerations taken into account. Second, and this is the down side, Ricky Davis was Boston’s most electric player (not it’s best player…but most electric). He has an infectious smile, is a high flyer, and despite the fact that the C’s are a very mediocre team, he was a bright spot and someone who was a lot of fun to watch. Now he’s gone. I guess we shall see how this trade works out, but let’s just hope Wally’s World doesn’t start fighting with Paul Pierce, because the last thing we need is for Pierce to bring back the Nomar face (aka Nomar grimace), that was a fixture last year.
Lastly, apparently there is a team playing at the Fleetcenter/Garden that is called “the Bruins.” I don’t know much about this team (I’ve steadfastly refused to follow hockey since my beloved Whalers left Hartford in 1997), but I can tell you this much: sometimes my buddies and I play poker at a friend’s apartment next to the Garden. Sometimes we play on nights when there are Bruins home games taking place. It’s never hard to find street parking even on these nights. My guess is that this is indicative of low attendance (at Bruins games…not our poker game). Hockey has become almost a minor league sport here in Boston and is covered as such. Amazingly, there are more columns written in the Globe and Herald on the Red Sox (in the off-season) than the Bruins (in-season). All this goes to show you, you can take the Whale out of Hartford but you can’t put people in the seats in Boston. Actually, that doesn’t make sense, but it makes me feel better to think they’re related.
posted 8:46 am on 1/30/06 by Mike Granieri
Nash and Alton - Greatest Duo Ever?
Yes. I am writing a column again since being relegated to the generic “GUEST POST” status. It has been a tough week since finding out my new position on the bottom line – I almost secluded myself in my apartment with cartons of cheap cigarettes and handles of Jack Daniels. Think Waylon Smithers after he thought he shot Mr. Burns. Fortunately, I chose the path less traveled and have some new topics to write about. Enjoy.
My Steve Nash for MVP prediction looks pretty good right about now. Not only do many experts agree that Steven Nash has a more convincing case than last year but there really aren’t other great options. You can’t take anybody from the Pistons because they all dilute each others’ value. Tim Duncan is too boring. Elton Brand’s Clippers have struggled. Kobe Bryant hogs the ball so we have no real idea if his team could or would be better if he decided to get the most out of a talented Lamar Odom. We do have definitive proof that Steve Nash gets the most out of his teammates. Look at the attrition from last year to this year. No Amare. No JJ. No Q. In come Boris Diaw, Raja Bell, James Jones, Eddie House and Kurt Thomas. Somehow they all have career years (except KT because he doesn’t log enough minutes) and the Suns are 28-15 with the fourth best record in the league. With Steve Nash and Shawn Marion. This is such an impressive performance not only by Steve Nash but also by Mike D’Antoni for recognizing the strengths and weakness of his players and implementing a system that maximizes the strengths. All right, enough of this, on to the fun stuff.
After Kobe’s 81 pt. outburst people debated whether it was the best individual performance in sports. Obviously these pundits do not watch The Gauntlet on MTV. Alton’s performances have all trumped Kobe’s. You want to talk about dominance – watch Alton carry a rickshaw around a track in 50 seconds. The big debate should be whether Alton is the best fantasy reality star ever to compete – a combination of Shawn “the matrix” Marion and Andrei Kirilenko – or are his performances in the Gauntlet the single most dominating performances ever? I will take the view of “point” on this issue and argue that his performances in the Gauntlet are the most dominating in the history of sports – professional or reality.
Alton’s first foray into the Gauntlet was against a “fired up” Danny in the Sand Pit duel. Keep in mind they both were greased up at this point which probably gives Danny a natural edge. OK. So Danny enters the Gauntlet quite confident and within one second Alton tosses him out of the ring. And then again. Down 2-0 Danny reverts to the famed “crab move” which Timmy aptly describes as “It’s the crab --- YOU CAN’T BEAT THE CRAB!” Well, Alton disposes of Danny 3-0 which is the equivalent of doggy dunking your female nemesis.
His next foray into the Gauntlet pitted him against Adam – probably the biggest chaunce on the show. But I digress. The event was Alton’s choice. He humbly chose an event in which Adam – a noted climber (whatever that means) – had the best chance of succeeding. Let’s just say that Alton climbed the net in about 1 second while Adam was still on the ground. It was an incredible performance that will never be duplicated in the history of reality TV. It even impressed host TJ Lavin (who resembles a less emotional Keanu Reeves).
I leave it up to one Eric Schauer to debate Alton’s relative fantasy prowess on The Gauntlet.
Guest post at 2:57 pm on 1/24/06 by Matthew Baldwin
Great postings. The bachelor is a great show.
I will admit that I am surprised at the lack of credit given to our man Travis with the exception of Mr. Clarin.
Travis is a doctor, and although that doesn’t automatically make one intelligent, he seems to be pretty smart and down to earth. That being said, Travis is a human being and subject to the temptations that the flesh surely holds. However this man is much more complex than the majority of the Bottom Line guys are giving him credit for.
First off, in no physical model of the universe is this guy a stranger to the ladies. Is he Wilt Chamberlain? I seriously doubt it, but there is no way someone that good looking, intelligent and jacked goes through life without falling into some luck here and there. Now that this is on the table we know that after 33 years of living and loving Travis knows what he likes. Jeff says "short and slender with a virginal, yet naughty, personality." I agree on a physical level but that does not do him justice. Travis, like many others, including myself, likes a girl who can bring it; a girl who is comfortable enough with herself that she can bring some fire, passion and excitement. This explains why Tara and Moana remain. In addition to their obvious physical attributes, they are fiery, bold and unapologetic about being so. Some might call them borderline bitchy; and I think that is what Travis likes and the other women absolutely hate. Nobody likes girls that cry all the time, nobody likes girls who apologize all the time and nobody likes girls who talk shit about other girls. It is just annoying. Simply said, the guy wants a girl who is real.
The best part of the show is that Travis is much smarter and more mature than all of these girls; but the girls do not realize it. He seems wise to the games played by members of the fairer sex. This was plainly evident with Kristin and she is the only "removal" I will consider. I chose her because Jeff liked her so much. I am a red-blooded American male and I see why Jeff likes her; but I think he will admit that she was a complete jackass. Orange-peel teeth? Come on. Despite her considerable physical assets, a guy would have to be about 50 glasses of Remy Martin to the wind in order to let this pass. Silliness. I have no doubt that Kristin has used this trick in the past and snagged a lesser dude, not because of the lemon, but because of the T&A. Most girls don't understand things like that, so she was understandably upset. Travis is a sharp dude and saw through this; although I am sure it is much easier to look past a gorgeous bikini-clad blonde when you have a dozen other girls holed up in a Parisian apartment vying for your affection amongst other things. Sarah (Tennessee) will be Travis' next, "I am way smarter and mature than you" victim. She is working the "I'm a kindergarten teacher, sweet as Georgia peach pie, we are both from Nashville" angle. It is a decent angle, I was fooled at first but then you realize that she is catty, boring and not nearly as good-looking or fit as anyone else. She will be canned next week in the first round because she hates fun and talks bad about people.
Jehan will be canned next week in a two-on-one date or something ridiculous like that. She has so far showed no semblance of personality or the spark that the other contenders have while at the same time giving brief glimpses of cattiness. Jehan is a Tara wannabe; this will be exposed next week when she tries to assert herself.
For my money Susan and Canadian Sarah are the frontrunners. As I said earlier, Jehan and Sarah Tennessee get transatlantic flights next week, which leaves Susan, Sarah, Tara and Moana. It looks like they only boot one more off in the following three weeks, Tara is first gone. Those random walk-ins she conducts will become bothersome and I sort of feel like she is going to do something completely psychotic in the near future; a la her "Stage 5 clinger" namesake in Wedding Crashers. The following two weeks look like a toss-up right now but in the end-for my money-Susan takes the cake. She is absolutely gorgeous, down to Earth and seems to be the only girl even remotely as intelligent at Travis. I hope they get married and have 14 children.
Guest Post at 10:47 am on 1/24/06 by Anonymous
An Open Letter to Coach Jim Boeheim
Dear Mr. Boeheim,
You have a prodigious amount of college basketball coaching victories, you have shown devoted loyalty to Syracuse University and the program that weaned you, you are a member of the NCAA basketball hall of fame, and you have won a national championship… The Time For Honoring Yourself Is At An End.
You are the most stubborn coach in the history of college basketball. Your self created 2-3 zone has served Syracuse well over your numerous decades of coaching, but it is not perfect. You seek only to maintain your pride which is evident in your failures. The very moment when a change is needed is the very moment you refuse to bend, for if you were to bend it would be an affront to your honor. That is why you refuse to break from your zone when it is a clear failure. You would rather snap in the wind then bend to the momentum and strategy of your opposition.
This years team is woefully inadequate at almost every position. Gerry McNamara is a great player….when he has teammates that can relieve some pressure, catch passes, and make shots. These are all things he lacks this season. He is the Atlas of NCAA basketball. Your “Big Men” are atrocious; lacking not only skill but desire. Though it is impossible for the blame of their lack of skill to fall on you, I place their lack of energy squarely on your shoulders. The only post up moves MR Roberts and MR Watkins have mastered is the one on Saturday night at the bar. Demetrious Nichols is much improved, though this improvement does not qualify him as “good”. HE is about as consistent as Jeff Tinker’s golf game. (This being inconsistent) Mr Devendorf is exactly the type of player people like me hate. He takes the sacred image of the 5’11’’ shooting guard, which Gerry has wonderfully upheld, and disgraced it. Blasphemy I tell you! Short white guys should be knowledgeable, slow, accurate shooters, leaders, above all else tattoo free. The “freshman phenom” on the other hand is intellectually debilitated, out of control, disruptive, greedy, selfish, and about as free of tattoos as Dan Clarin is free of ridiculously glorified high school sports stories. Mr Boeheim, I charge you with these failures!
Beyond accusations of MR Boeheim’s dereliction of duties, we have one saving grace…( In my completely and utterly unbiased opinion. Despite differing accounts I have no connection to this player.) MATTHEW WILLIAM GORMAN. He is a renaissance man of basketball skill. He is an accurate three point shooter, he can rebound, he can pass, he plays defense and he has a plethora of low post moves in his coffers of basketball treasure. He is the total package folks, and anyone who saw the Jan 23rd game against Pittsburgh would agree. So why has he been riding the pine all season, although his stats (adjusted for minutes) quadruple those who play in front of him? It is clearly due to your insane jealousy of him Mr Boeheim. What has created this jealousy? This is pure conjecture on my part of course, but the attractiveness of your wife must have something to do with it. Perhaps she has strayed from her bonds of marriage, perhaps into the arms of a strapping young 6’11 4th year junior. There is no way for us to tell, but you are clearly about as far out of your league as Dave Mandel was out of his mind when he adopted me as his son. I ask you to set aside your differences. Shake hands and bury the hatchet. Mr Gorman can save your season. A good friend of mine once predicted in 2002 that MR Gorman would be the Big East player of the year in the near future. The potential is there, yet Boeheim has shackled him to the limbo of “reserve”, with no hope of his greatness materializing. There was a dream that was Matthew Gorman. LET IT BE REALIZED.
I hope I wasn’t too harsh,
Guest post at 8:31 am on 1/20/06 by Tom Bowles
Signs of the Apocalypse, Duke is Overrated, and other College
Basketball Thoughts
Alright, I'm motivated and it's time. The producer of the Bottom
Line is jumping into the fray and producing his own stuff in
written form. I may not have the humor and the looks of our
former co-hosts, but frankly I'm smarter than all of them
combined, as well as possessing the key to their past, present,
and future television careers. So, for better or worse, it seems
you're all stuck with reading my rants and raves from time to
time. And if you even think of challenging my opinion...keep in
mind I'm saving my one-out poker card on the river for just that
special occasion. I wouldn't go all in if I were you.
Since the columns on the Bachelor and the 10 Best Websites ever
have hit the mark (The frozen *.jpg of Eric is Unctuous on
emotioneric.com might be one of the most ingenious things
I've ever seen put on the internet, ever) I think it's time to
turn the spotlight back to sports. As most of you know, I work
for a very infamous College Sports Network, and have followed
the college basketball season religiously. Except none of you
have been talking about it recently...until now.
By all accounts, this year's worth of college basketball has
produced some of the most ridiculous signs of the Apocalypse in
recent memory. Consider this:
- In Joe Lunardi's recent Bracketology, the most accurate
predictior of a future sporting event since the invention of the
Magic 8 Ball, Elon College is currently listed as an NCAA
Tournament team (16 seed). Now, if you don't know Elon, you
don't know sports, because if you've been paying attention, this
team plays a game every single day. So much so that the last
recorded day Elon didn't appear on the ESPN Ticker was July
17th...they like to get a head start on the basketball season to
give themselves a chance at success. And so far, the plan of
"let's play so much that we'll win our conference just by going
98-87 in the regular season" seems to be working....they are
leading their division in the "low-major" Southern Conference
despite having a 4-9 non-conference record. Such a record
includes their latest victory over Montreat, 90-76, which I
nearly confused as the Final Score of the New Jersey Science
Geek Intramural League Championship. But before you mark the
Phoenix down to produce the first 1/16 upset in NCAA History
this March, they've got their work cut out for them. Real teams
like Davidson and the College of Charleston make their home in
this conference, and if all else fails, I fear a challenge from
Indiana University-Purdue-High School Dropouts might bring Elon
to its knees. Stay tuned...
- The #2 team trailing Duke in the rankings is not my beloved
UConn, but the undefeated, unranked-before-the-season Florida
Gators. Can this be possible? You bet your curse words and
multiple financial losses on sports gambing it is...but don't be
fooled by that 17-0 record you see next to Florida. I see you
penciling them in as a shocking Final Four team...stop it right
now I said, stop it!!! Stop for just one minute and think to
yourself, what other team is good in the SEC this year. That's
right, name ONE good team other than Florida. Kentucky? They
looked like Division III kids in getting blown out by a Kansas
team that may miss the NCAAs for the first time in 20 years.
Tennessee? A team on the rise, but Wisconsin-Milwaukee genius
Bruce Pearl can't turn around a mediocre group of talent in just
one season...they play hard, but it'll be 2008 or so before they
become serious contenders. Ole Miss? They've played one ranked
opponent all season, losing by 23 to Memphis while racking up
the wins against such quality opponents as Centenary, Southern
Utah, and Western Carolina. And need I mention the Rebels beat
those last two opponents by 12 points...combined. Seriously, I
rate the strength of this conference as lower than the Missouri
Valley. I'm dead serious...they don't deserve more than 3 teams
in the NCAAs. If they get more teams in than the MVC, it's a
travesty. I'm writing a letter to the NCAA Commissioner if
Wichita State sits home while Vanderbilt gets blown out by 30 in
the 1st Round.
So why is Florida undefeated? Simple. They have a balanced
offense led by a group of semi-talented but team-oriented
players in Taurean Green, Corey Brewer, and Lee Humphrey who
aren't afraid to spread the ball around to the right people.
They do have a couple of quality wins against 9-seed NCAA teams
(Syracuse, at Wake Forest) and have filled out the rest of the
schedule playing cupcakes or teams from their mediocre
conference. But not only is Florida in for a rude awakening when
they play real opponents, they also have the dubious "peaking
too early" tag on their shoulders that a certain Boston College
team knows all too well from 2004-05. Undefeated through most of
the season, the Eagles suddenly hit empty on the gas tank in
mid-February, going 5-5 after starting off the season 20-0. That
5th loss was the most painful of all, as
B.C. missed out on a Sweet 16 opportunity by falling to the
hands of a 12 seed, Wisconsin-Milwaukee. Oh wow...it just so
happens that since their 2000 national championship, Florida
spent 2001-05 ranked as a Top 5 seed in the NCAAs, only to fail
to reach the Sweet 16 each year. Well, at least they're used to
disappointment, so when #13 Oral Roberts knocks them on their
ass, they'll all go get drunk, find a Big Mac and a cute girl in
Gainesville, and we'll just move on with their lives. Who even
remembers Boston College even exists anymore, let alone was
undefeated this time last year?
- The Patriot League is on course for the first legitimate
at-large selection in conference history. Nope, this is not a
misprint. After years of watching a team in the Colgate Raiders
who go out of their way to define the term "mediocrity" on the
basketball court, and seeing half-decent Holy Cross teams
capable of beating a 4 or a 5 seed in the NCAAs get underrated
year-in, year-out and get dealt a 16 seed, it looks like the
league is finally getting some respect through a small little
team called the Bucknell Bison.
Yes, indeed, the very same Bison who beat back 3rd-seeded Kansas
in the 1st Round of last year's NCAAs are this year's version of
David in that classic Bible tale. And believe me, you don't want
to be Goliath. Just ask Pittsburgh last year, or Syracuse,
DePaul, or St. Joseph's this year. Although not undefeated like
Duke, Florida, and Pittsburgh, 2 of the 3 losses Bucknell has
experienced have been to Top 5 teams, losing to Villanova by 19
(although they cut the deficit to 4 midway through the second
half) and #1-ranked Duke by 34 (an unfortunate case of nerves
getting to them on national television, perhaps). Still, at 11-3
Bucknell is receiving votes weekly for both the AP and ESPN
polls, and has the potential to sweep the Patriot League
conference schedule at 14-0, which would almost certainly make
them the first team from the league to ever crack the Top 25
before the year is out. And if they pull the ol' patented "let's
lose the conference tourney to stop our obnoxious winning streak
and get the kids off their high horse" maneuver many mid-major
teams do come conference tourney time, the Patriot League could
have 2 --- count 'em, 2 --- teams in the NCAAs come March.
That's as many as the SEC could have! What the hell is the world
coming to! By the way, if anyone cares, I know have my "Sojka
Psychos" Bucknell Bison T-Shirt in hand and at the ready. I
think I may wear it for the entire 1st Round.
Despite all this madness, Duke continues to chug along as the #1
team in the country. But let's not kid ourselves...anyone who
saw the UConn - Syracuse game on Monday night clearly knows who
the best team in the country clearly is. UConn runs so fast up
and down the court they make the university track team look like
they're out to lunch. With Marcus Williams back at the point,
the Huskies went through a bit of a transition period, losing to
Marquette by 15. But against Syracuse, it was clear the
adjustment period was over, as UConn scored the first 12 points
and made the Orange look like a team from the Big South rather
than the Big East. I mean, does anyone really think that J.J.
Redick can keep up with a team with 12 guys that can run around
him in a circle, twice, while he takes that extra second to try
and pop his John Paxson three pointer, then block his shot,
outrun him down the court for a layup, and talk trash in his
face? This season totally has the 1999 look of "Duke has to be
good because they have a bunch of white players that people who
never leave the house rated No. 1 on their "gonna be a good 12th
man in the NBA List" this year, so we're going to wildly
overrate their team and forget UConn exists until the
championship game, when they pull a stunning upset and we're all
scratching our heads going 'Why didn't we see this coming?'"
status written all over it.
Until next time...
posted 3:20 on 12/14/05 by Mike Granieri
The Nash Attack, Redux
Due to the fast paced nature of posting on this sweet site I wanted to at least defend/elaborate on my previous post before it was ancient history. I think there is at least one rule everybody should agree on: 1 ) The MVP should come from a winning, successful team. That is the ultimate goal for sports – to win. This should automatically eliminate Kobe from the conversation right now. Sure, he is probably the most talented player in the league and no doubt is he a great perimeter defender. But he is doing all this in the context of a losing team (well, hovering near .500 doesn’t count as winning or successful in my book). 2) The MVP, besides putting up great individual statistics, should make his teammates better. I think this has a direct correlation with my first point since improving the play of your teammates leads to more wins. Does Kobe improve the play of Lamar Odom, Kwame Brown, Chris Mihm? I find that hard to believe. Did Michael Jordan improve the play of everybody around him? I would venture to say yes. Do TD, KG and Steve Nash do the same? I would also venture to say yes. Now that we have those basic requirements down this is where the conversation gets as hairy as the East German swim team. Do we define MVP as the first person you would select when you start your team (essentially the best player argument)? Do we define MVP as the most indispensable player on any team in the league (that is, looking at the context/situation in which the player performs.)? This, I believe, is the major dichotomy in the current debate. If I had to start a team for one year I would choose Shaq; he is hands down the most dominant player in the league right now. My argument against him is that he has not played enough minutes to warrant MVP consideration this year. Jeff’s argument might make more sense at the end of the year if Shaq can stay healthy. The next player I would choose is Tim Duncan, and really, I think the debate for MVP should be between TD and Steve Nash. Duncan is similar to Nash since he is the centerpiece of their offense but also the linchpin of their defense. He is a more complete player than Steve Nash but is he more indispensable (ie. more valuable to the Spurs’ success than Steve Nash is to the Suns’ success?). Based on my criteria, I think you could plug in a player like Kevin Garnett into the Spurs’ and the team would contend for a championship every year. Put Jason Kidd/DWade/Hinrich on the Suns instead of Nash and I have a hard time believing they would be nearly as successful. So Steve Nash isn’t as good as a defender as Kobe Bryant, but does that make him less valuable of a player when factoring in the impact he has on his teammates and his team? Basketball is not played in a bubble – taking into consideration other factors is a key element for the MVP debate. On that note, I have to go buddy up to some toilet paper after eating 5 $0.59 hamburgers.
posted 3:45 pm on 12/13/05 by Mike Granieri
Steve Nash for MVP
I would like to open a topic for debate. With the MVP race so wide open right now the argument could go in a number of directions. My vote is for Steve Nash. Here is why: He has guided the Suns to a 13-7 record while losing 3/5 of his starting lineup and replacing them with Kurt Thomas (whose play early on was terrible) and role players such as Raja Bell, James Jones, Boris Diaw, Eddie House and Jim Jackson. He has taken on a larger burden of the scoring while still dishing out over 10 assists per game. His defense remains average at best but with the style of basketball the Suns play you really don’t need to be an elite on the ball defender.
How do you really quantify the MVP? That is probably the toughest part of answering this question so I will use the simple “what would his team be like without him” argument. Could you imagine any other point guard in the NBA that could come close to duplicating what Steve Nash does for the Suns? Ok, sure, you probably say Jason Kidd. But really, look at his supporting cast. He has Richard Jefferson and Vince Carter on the wings. Steve Nash has Raja Bell and James Jones/Boris Diaw yet he makes them look like respectable NBA players. Plus, the Suns actually have a great record right now while the Nets are stuck in mediocrity. It is very difficult to come up with another scenario in the league where one player is as indispensable as Steve Nash.
Other questions remain. Does indispensable equate to Most Valuable Player in the league? What other qualifications make a player “the most valuable?” Does Steve Nash’s supposed lack of defense take him out of consideration?