posted 10:41 am on 2/28/06 by Dave Mandel

February Goes Out Like a Lamb, March Comes in Like a Lion

While not quite as consumed by The Bachelor as the other esteemed writers of this website, I still found myself quite intrigued as the season played out.  That said, I was truly shocked last night when Sarah TN was left as the last one standing.  I thought when Travis said, “Truth is, I’ve already made up my mind,” that Moana was a lock.  As he started his speech to Moana, I felt even more confident in my dark horse.  But, then came the infamous “BUT,” and Moana was gone.  I guess Travis opted for the safe way out, the easy way, the woman who will take it better when Travis breaks up with her in three weeks, or as Mr. Tinker suggests, tells her he’s not really a doctor.  The lesson for Moana is that this is why it’s never a good idea to go straight from the shallow end of the pool where the kids pee straight to the deep end without spending some time in the middle where you look cool treading water, but if need be, you could stand.  Moana had the proper wait-and-see attitude at the beginning, but she quickly shed the arm floaters and started doing pike dives into the deep end.  By the end, I didn’t even really like her any more.  She was a crying machine, and totally set herself up for misery while Travis was still dating another girl.  I just feel like she should’ve at least taken into account the possibility he might choose Sarah.  Even so, I still wake this morning quite shocked.  Oh, and by the way there is NO chance of Travis and Sarah getting married.  How lame was the necklace-with-the-ring-on-it routine?  Well, I can’t offer you spaghetti sauce for your pasta just yet, but how bout some ketchup?

While the result was disappointing to me, the final episode was certainly not without its share of unintentional comedy.  First, was I the only one who noticed just how ridiculous Donna Stork’s haircut was?  It is very rare that a woman (especially one appearing on national TV) walks into a salon and says, “Ya know, I think I’ll get the willow tree today.”  Someone should’ve advised her that that was a bad idea.  Also, how is Travis such a rock emotionally while being related to those two women?  I know some girls cry a lot, but those two took it to a whole new level.

            Travis: “Let’s go inside and have dinner.”

            Mom and sis: (Dab eyes, cry)

            Travis: “It’s gonna be steak and fine wine.”

            Mom and sis: (Full fledged bawling)

What did they expect when they asked Moana what she liked about Travis?  After the brief silent treatment, she responded with something along the lines of, “It’s a connection that I can’t really explain.”  That drew tears!  Come on people!

Also, how lame is the “ah tooey ta ta” dance that Sarah beat us over the head with throughout the course of the show?  It’s tough to remember, but I’m pretty sure when I was in kindergarten I would’ve realized that construction paper, matchbox cars and wallball were a lot sweeter than parading around like a mutated pheasant.

One of the biggest ironies of the show I think was it’s ‘PG’ rating.  I know Travis was particularly asexual compared to some of the shows past characters, but this is not a PG show.  ABC had to blur out Moana’s left breast when she exited the limo because it was peering over the top of her dress.  I think you are exposing youngsters to a few more evils of the world by allowing them to watch The Bachelor than say, allowing them to watch Crumbs or Wheel of Fortune.

So now we’re left with 2 fewer occupied hours during our week, unless you are one who can make the natural transition to Miracle Workers (by the way-am I the only one who thought that show looked strangely intriguing?)  Fortunately, we are only a day away from March, and with that I will make a similarly natural transition to a brief college basketball discussion.

With selection Sunday only a week and a half away, I think we are set up for a very interesting tournament.  In my opinion, there are two teams-much like last year-that are far and away better than the best.  You’ve got the “We’re more athletic, we steal laptop computers so we can definitely beat you at basketball” UConn squad and the “Find a way to win,” mix of young and old, Duke team.  In my opinion UConn is the team to beat.  Marcus Williams is a much better distributing point guard at this point in his career than Greg Paulus and he has many more weapons to pass to.  If these teams ever play head to head in the tournament, Josh Boone and Hilton Armstrong will cause a Sheldon Williams disappearing act and unless Redick goes for 40, UConn will prevail.  There are also a couple of teams who will have to rapidly awaken to avoid a very early exit.  Memphis and Gonzaga have the good-and-bad fortune of playing in extremely weak conferences.  John Calipari and Mark Few were both smart enough to schedule strenuous out-of-conference schedules at the beginning of the season, but come tourney time, it will have been over two months since either team was challenged.  Both teams have sleepwalked through their conference seasons and it is beginning to show.  Memphis was challenged by a horrific Tulsa squad (they were 25 point favorites) for 35 minutes on Saturday and Gonzaga was bailed out by “P-Mac” with a late 3-pointer to scrape by San Francisco at home last night.  Both teams play similar styles-they love offense and if they don’t force a quick turnover on defense, they allow a quick good look to get the ball back.  Both of these teams are probably too talented to lose in the 1^st round, but look out if they get a tough second round matchup against a quality 7, 8 or 9 seed.  Another team that falls in this category is George Washington.  The Atlantic 10 is a one-bid conference for sure unless GW loses the conference tourney.  Charlotte lost all hope at an at-large bid with a home loss to Saint Louis over the weekend.  GW did not play a strenuous out of conference schedule and with its best player, Pops Mensah-Bonsu likely sidelined for the rest of the year, they could very easily lose early.

Another question that needs to be answered this March is how good are these small conference powerhouses?  If the Missouri Valley gets five teams in, how many first round wins will that produce?  I’d say one or two-Northern Iowa and maybe Wichita State.  How bout some of the other “powers?”  Bucknell?  George Mason?  Davidson?  Penn?  How good can you realistically be if you will likely still need to win the conference tournament to get in?  Bucknell and probably George Mason would get in anyway.  Penn will get in because the Ivy League doesn’t have a postseason tournament.  But some of these other clown squads like Samford will need to win their tournament.  And then the fun begins.

With the exception of Duke and Uconn, the Final Four (and even Elite 8) are wide open.  You’ve got the obvious contenders in Gonzaga, Memphis, Texas and Villanova.  You’ve got a few squads who have been underachieving recently but could certainly have a deep run in them like Michigan State and West Virginia.  Several teams have the potential to get there like UCLA and Tennessee.  And you’ve got a slew of teams that could either lose in the first round or go deep and neither would surprise me-BC, NC State, Washington, Illinois, Florida, Kansas, Oklahoma.  Side note: One of the more absurd statistics of the season is Oklahoma’s 4-game 1-point win streak.  All told, they have now played 7 games this year decided by one point.  That’s ludicrous, and a testament to how much they are underachieving!  Right now if I had to construct my Final Four (assuming the brackets fall in a way that allows it to happen) it would have Duke, UConn, Villanova and Texas.  But again, this is why they call it Madness, and this is why it’s always a good idea to do multiple sheets.

posted 4:54 pm on 2/7/06 by Dave Mandel

The Sam Adams Good Decision of the Game

God Bless Travis Stork.  He has played this thing perfectly.  Absolutely, unequivocally the right decision was to send Sarah Canada home last night.  Despite Sarah’s rather fruitful undergoing of puberty between the last episode and this one, in terms of personality she was by far the worst of the 4 remaining.  She made no adjustments to her game plan at halftime.  When Tara was left rose-less after spending her entire time with Travis bashing Moana, one would think Sarah might have refrained from doing that on her next date.  But Sarah was not exactly what one might call “smart” and made the exact same mistake.  Welp see ya later Sarah!  Good Riddance.  As a side note, definitely the funniest moment of last night’s show was when they Travis was visiting Chateau Winnipeg and Sarah went “Whoa…weird!” when the phone rang.  Sarah, that’s what the phone does!  Would you be shocked if you opened the fridge and there was food in it?  Would you sense a “strange aura” about the laundry room if your clothes came out of the dryer dry?  If you didn’t want a phone that rang, you really shouldn’t have bought one.  It serves little purpose other than transmitting calls.

That said, we are now left with three very different participants.  There is Sarah Tennessee, who clearly had the best episode of the three contestants.  Travis brought Nala (great points Jeff) to be his wingman and chick magnet.  But in a rare instance of one-upsmanship on Travis, Sarah pulled out the ever-so-cute kindergarten bunch to pull off the perfectly rehearsed, perfectly choreographed “Knees together” dance.  Also Sarah had the only family who didn’t pull a Seahawks and try to lose.  Despite her father having a name (Addison) that might’ve been cool in the days of Myles Standish and being on some Blair Witch “I’m so scared” status with the camera, it at least appeared that he and Hefty the Vampire slayer had Sarah’s best interests first.  Sarah also took the viewing of her 13-year old dance performance quite well and definitely stole the last rose from Sarah Canada.  Sarah is clearly the most mature and most grounded.  She is also by far the least attractive and her reluctance to leave Tennessee is a large strike.

Susan had a bit of an off episode.  She was herself, sweet, personality-less, cliché-spewing, unathletic and hot beyond belief.  But her family didn’t really help and her whole “smitten kitten” (can you be any more lame?) routine appears to have lost its luster on Travis.  What was once a commanding lead for her has now become just a spot in the field.

That leads us to Moana, who I’ve called my horse for some time now.  Her family is a bunch of unbelievable maggots.  Regardless of how you feel about a situation or a person, how her father could be just that downright rude is beyond me.  Getting along with a significant other’s family is a huge x-factor in relationship success and Moana’s family is clearly miserable.  While she has now let down the walls and let Travis into her aching heart, I feel as though Travis is not a fan of her constant breakdowns.  He appreciates the closeness that Moana feels towards him, but much more crying could ruin what is now Moana’s game to win.  Though not as hot as Susan, she is hot enough and certainly has the personality, flexibility and sensibility to win Travis over.  She just has to keep the driver in the bag the rest of the way.  Keep the waterworks on ‘off’ Moana!

The overnight dates should be very interesting next week.  I think smart money would be on Sarah TN getting the ax next week, but I’m going against the consensus.  I predict Susan gets the first date since she went last this week.  In a date that otherwise goes according to all the other episodes (Susan drips out a few more heartstring pulling clichés), Travis finally realizes “Hey I have a dick” when they get into the hot tub.  Just as Travis is about to finally open-mouth kiss one of the girls for the first time, or God Forbid touch some boobies, Susan’s dad bursts like a geyser from the bottom of the hot tub, yells “You’re not Jonesy!” at Travis and starts pooping out aliens.  Seriously, doesn’t he look just like the dude from DreamCatcher?  Travis has no choice but to put his weiner back in the holster and deny the couple’s overnight stay.  Moana and Sarah TN lay up for par and we have our final twosome set.