The Bottom Line
Dan Clarin Archive
posted 2:51 pm on 2/22/06 by Dan Clarin
A Quarter for Two Dimes, a Nickel, and a #1 pick in 2007
This will be the first time I have posted twice in the same day, but it’s not everyday that Steve Francis, Stephon Marbury, Jalen Rose, Jamal Crawford, Nate Robinson, and Quentin Richardson occupy ONE BACKCOURT! I am not going to attempt to rationalize this trade or come up with a conspiracy theory involving Isiah Thomas and Larry Brown. Enough will be made of it and Isiah doesn’t need me to support why he is the worst executive in sports history. His consistently poor personnel decisions speak for themselves. I just want to take a look at this Knicks team as currently comprised. (Note: There is only one basketball allowed per game and each team is allowed 5 players on the court at one time.)
PG –
PG/SG – Nate Robinson, Stephon Marbury, Steve Francis
SG – Jamal Crawford
SG/SF – Quentin Richardson, Jalen Rose, Qyntel Woods
SF –
PF – Malik Rose, Jackie Butler, Maurice Taylor, Channing Frye
C – Eddy Curry, Jerome James
A couple observations….There are 6 players under 6’8” on the roster, and there is not one real point guard. Of their 7 perimeter players, exactly one has a real position. They have Jerome James and Jackie Butler on their roster. Look at that roster. Is there one player you would want on your favorite team? Maybe Eddy Curry or Channing Frye. This leads to the obvious question: What would you do if you were Larry Brown? Quitting or attempting to take over control of personnel decisions would be options 1 and 1A for me. If I actually had to coach this team? I would probably roll with a starting lineup of Francis, Marbury, Richardson, Frye, and Curry. Start off the game by working the ball inside to Curry for some early offense. About halfway through the first quarter I would sub Jalen Rose for Curry and attempt to run non-stop. Does it really matter though? Somebody is going to be upset about playing time, and no one is going to play any defense. They are stuck with a roster full mediocre, position-less players with huge contracts, and they just traded away one of their biggest expiring contracts in Hardaway. If the Knicks have a winning season before 2010, I would be shocked.
posted 1:01 pm on 2/22/06 by Dan Clarin
The Ukraine is Weak and so are Manny, Sammy, and Barry
T.O. and Steve Smith’s touchdown celebrations. Alfonso Soriano not willing to change positions. Ron Artest asking to be traded. Randy Johnson only wanting to be traded to the Yankees. Alex Rodriguez signing a $250 million contract. These kind of athletic indiscretions pepper the headline column on ESPN.com on a daily basis. They seldom are able to keep my attention for any substantial period of time. They are minor offenses at worst. However, there is one offense similar to these that does upset me. Can we please just show up at spring training on time? Is it asking that much? There is no more self-serving act by a professional athlete than showing up “fashionably late” to spring training. This year it is Barry and Manny that are in the headlines. In the past Sammy Sosa has been guilty of this prima donna act. Here is what is accomplished by showing up late to spring training: you prove to everyone that you are more important than the team, you get a headline in the print and internet media explaining how you are an idiot, and you get to avoid some extremely strenuous stretching, jogging, and batting practice. Sounds like time well spent. Hence, here is all I am asking. You get paid an absurd salary to play baseball. Just show up at spring training when everyone else does.
While we are on the topic, watching the Olympics has gotten me thinking about some bizarre countries that you seldom hear of outside of the Olympic forum, such as Latvia, Ukraine, and Kazakhstan. Watching all of these former Soviet provinces compete has reminded me of just how many really crazy countries there are in the world. Therefore, without further ado, I give you the 2006 Top 9 Craziest Countries in the World. (Note: I have never been to any of these countries.)
9. Lichtenstein/Monaco/Andorra/San Marino – To me, they are all pretty much the same. If you can ride your bike across an entire country in one day and your name isn’t Lance Armstrong or Jan Ullrich, that makes me question the existence of said country.
8. Faroe Islands – If you don’t know where this is, you aren’t alone. It’s a collection of very small islands in the extreme North Atlantic between the British Isles and Iceland. Between the Nordic/Viking style names of towns and it being located in the middle of a frigid ocean, I think that’s enough to make the list.
7. Liberia – It was created as a country for American slaves that were sent back to Africa. However, they make up a minority of the population due to the vast amounts of natives. Needless to say, there have been disagreements between the two sectors, leading to ridiculous amounts of civil unrest. Totally insane African teenagers running around the streets with automatic weapons and names like Charles Taylor and Roosevelt Johnson is all I need for inclusion on this list.
6. Bhutan – It’s like a more scenic, lesser known Nepal. Apparently, they only started letting outsiders come into their country in 1974, and they now limit tourism to about 15,000 people per year. The result is a veritable time warp and very pristine natural conditions located partially in the Himalayan Mountain range.
5. Haiti – It shares a pretty small island with the relatively sane nation of the Dominican Republic. However, Haiti is anything but sane. The slaves revolted in the late 1700’s and it has been plagued by political violence since then. Also, it produced possibly the most freakish athlete in the NBA, Samuel Dalembert.
4. Mongolia – I don’t even know what to say. They were made famous when Genghis Khan dominated much of the continent about 800 years ago, but now they aren’t really known for anything. However, they do have a “grey” economy consisting of largely cash transactions that is estimated to be about as big as the official economy. Plus, they have a lot of uninhabitable desert. Sounds like they are headed in the right direction.
3. Greenland – Quite an ironic name. The Vikings first settled it about 1000 years ago, and not much has changed since then. The largest town on this gigantic landmass has about 15,000 people and it’s called Nuuk.
2. Chad – I am pretty sure I could justify putting any African country on here, but this is the only one that can boast a laidback, slacker American name as its title.
1. China/Cuba – I figured a tie of Communist countries to top the list was only fitting. Communism disintegrated virtually everywhere else in the world about 15 years ago, but these two are still going strong. Plus, China has about 18 trillion people, give or take. And Cuba has people crossing ocean waters in boats that I wouldn’t take out on the local fishing pond just to escape the country. If that isn’t crazy, I don’t know what is.
posted 12:53 pm on 2/15/06 by Dan Clarin
Hiatus is a funny word
So, I think it has been two full weeks since I made a post. Dave nicely picked up the pace in my stead, and if it weren’t for Jeff and Chris, I don’t think we would have the few readers that we do, so good for them. Since it has been so long, I have a collection of thoughts on a bunch of unrelated topics.
Topic 1 – The Bachelor
If the world at large made good decisions as consistently as Travis Stork, I believe we would find ourselves living in a utopia of sorts. All people would be happy and successful in their professional and personal lives, eat plenty of fruits and vegetables, and enjoy weekend activities that are beneficial to the body and mind. Unfortunately, I know of just one other person in this world who somewhat resembles Travis Stork, so it appears crime, poverty, and war are here to stay for the time being. This of course means that I have to watch The Bachelor as an escape from the tedium of our less than ideal world. Travis has left himself with two very solid options. I was thrilled that he didn’t succumb to the temptations of the flesh undoubtedly coming from Sarah Canada and Susan. Yes, they are both very hot. However, maturity and personality are very important if you are even considering marrying someone, and I imagine they will be even more important when I am 33 like Travis. Sarah was very immature as she constantly worried about what the other girls were doing and saying. Susan had a little more maturity but I found her to be quite bland and despite her musings, it was painfully obvious she was there to advance her career. Granted, I have no problem with that. If her goal was to be on TV, that goal was accomplished, but Travis had every reason to drop her for it. As for the remaining two ladies, this is a character defining decision for our surgeon. Does he go with the mysterious, beautiful, and very emotional Moana? Or does he opt for the stable, happy, interesting, and less attractive Sarah? Some of Moana’s super-sensitivity has shown through in recent episodes while Sarah has been solid and steady. I would pick Sarah all day long. She has plenty of looks, and I trust Travis will realize this and make the right decision. We will have to wait for two weeks to find out though, as we have the always entertaining reunion of contestants coming up this Monday.
Topic 2 – The Super BOWL
There are three things I will remember about Super Bowl Sunday 2006. One, the “Bowl” portion of Super Bowl Sunday took on a new meaning for me involving Denny’s. I ate a gigantic BOWL of assorted meats, eggs, cheese, and hash browns. It tasted good. In fact, it might just become a tradition. The second thing I will remember is that I put down approximately $3 on the Steelers to win the Super Bowl during the last week of the regular season. This $3 turned into $100 when they won, so that was beneficial. I also continued my tradition of performing very poorly in the traditional Super Bowl squares game.
Topic 3 – Skiing
Part of the reason for my recent hiatus was a vacation I took to the mountainous state of Colorado. This trip was planned for two reasons: to hang out with the now famous Travis Stork clone Danny Sells (yes, he does exist), and to partake in some skiing. I really enjoy skiing, even when Danny is strongly encouraging me to “rip it up” over things called steeps, bumps, and cornices, which I generally have no business doing. Between these moments of discomfort, which usually end with me laying in the snow lacking pieces of equipment with which I began the run, it is really amazing to stand at nearly 13,000 feet surrounded by picturesque scenery and breathe in the clean air before turning the skis downhill. One of the resorts we visited was Beaver Creek. At this fine ski mountain, they happen to have a World Cup downhill run called Birds of Prey. As much fun as this sounds, the two words I would use to best describe it are steep and icy. It is hard to appreciate just how insane downhill skiers are when you watch it on TV. The courses tend to even look manageable at times. They aren’t. Until you stand on a downhill run and attempt to imagine hurling your carcass over ridges and around turns at 70-80 mph, it is really hard to appreciate it. If you haven’t, trust me, these guys are certifiably nuts. You can apply whatever degree you want to the hill….it’s really, really steep. Any sport where minor injuries are broken bones and torn ACL’s gets the Dan Clarin insane stamp.
Topic 4 – Saved by the Bell
I don’t know what made me think of this the other day, but I happened to think of the episode where they form a band called Zack Attack. Conveniently, they have a hit song called “Friends Forever”. If this isn’t the least likely fake hit song ever created, I would be shocked. I know music wasn’t great during the time period that Saved by the Bell ruled Saturday morning, but this song is terrible. The last thing they would have had to worry about after making this song was Zack starting a solo career. AC and Jessie should have stuck to cover songs, like their rendition of “How am I Supposed to Live Without You” when Zack and Kelly break up. Now that’s a classic.
Topic 5 – NBA Trades
It appears that Darko Milicic is being traded to the Orlando Magic. I am not saying he is going to be a great player, but don’t sleep on him. There is a reason the well-respected Joe Dumars used the 2nd overall pick on him. In other news, Chris Kenna’s favorite player, Chris Wilcox, was traded to the Sonics for Vladimir Radmanovic. I don’t really have any analysis of this trade. Radmanovic is pretty bad, and Wilcox has potential. That’s about all we know.
Topic 6 – My 5 Freebies
I know I am a day late on this, but I thought I should provide a list anyway. I don’t have Jeffrey’s innate ability to wax poetic on the female body for hours, so I will just provide a list and leave it at that. Note: Joan Cusack is nowhere near this top 5. Without further ado: 1. Rachel McAdams 2. Anne Hathaway 3. Elisha Cuthbert 4. Romola Garai (just look it up) 5. Liv Tyler
posted 11:06 am on 2/1/06 by Dan Clarin
You Can't Swim in the Ocean, but You Can Drown
At the risk of further damaging Jeffrey David Tinker’s wavering faith in mankind, I agree that I would take a round of golf at Augusta. I would also take any significant sum of money. To be honest, this would not be that big of a sacrifice for me. Although I am quite a normal 23 year old male, the mothers and fathers of the Chicagoland area are not exactly hiding their daughters from me at this point. And though I think everyone would agree that a lifetime is a little bit too long to give up sexual activity (Jeff, Dave and I agreed with you on this during that Bottom Line episode), this ends up being an individual opinion as to how much you value intimate relations at this point in your life. Here are my thoughts.
Although it is the desire of nearly every person on earth that I know of, sex is really not that hard to come by. Here’s what most people require from what I can gather: a consenting partner and a bit of privacy. To my knowledge, quite a bit more is required to play a round of golf at a course as prestigious and exclusive as Augusta National. Hence, in that simple valuation, golf at Augusta appears to be more valuable. And Jeff, as much as it hurts you for me to say this, there are a number of things that have more value than “no sex for a year.”
The other necessary analysis here is a handicapping of the likeliness of me being presented with the realistic option of having sex sometime in the next calendar year. If it is determined that the odds of this are quite low, any amount of money greater than $0 is a great deal in my mind.
Staying with the money idea, the following is a poll suggested by Dave Mandel. Please forward your answer to [email protected].
How much money would it require for you to give up sex for a year?
a) $1-1,000 b) $1,001-10,000 c)$10,001-100,000 d) $100,001-$1,000,000 e) More than $1,000,000, also known as “You’re a liar.”
posted 10:39 am on 1/31/06 by Dan Clarin
The Tiger and the Stork
From the title of my post, it should be somewhat obvious what I want to cover. That’s right, the most dominant golfer of the post-1986 era and the most dominant Bachelor in the show’s history. Before I get to Dr. Travis and the big decisions that face him in the coming weeks, something that Mr. Kenna said yesterday caught my attention, and I need to respond to it.
Is Tiger Woods a phenomenal athlete? Or is he just a phenomenal golfer? Are the two mutually exclusive? Let’s look at the facts. Eldrick is not a big man. He is not a whole lot taller than 6 feet and certainly weighs under 200 pounds. Yet, size alone cannot determine how great of an athlete someone is or is not. There has only been one other player in the long history of golf that has dominated the sport as soundly as Tiger Woods. And it is very likely that even The Golden Bear will be left in the rear-view mirror when Tiger’s playing career is complete. If you are looking for evidence of being a great athlete, dominating your sport like no one ever has makes a pretty strong case. Oh, I know what you will say now. “You don’t have to be a great athlete to be a great golfer.” Sure, give Billy Andrade and Steve Stricker a football or a basketball and they may not know what to do with it. However, I am not aware of an activity where the body and mind have to be so finely in tune with one another as they must be in golf. And being able to use your mind is a key component of being a great athlete. We recognize Michael Jordan, Jerry Rice, and Walter Payton as great athletes not just because of their explosiveness, speed, and durability, but because they had complete control of their mental games during the prime of their careers. Repeating the kind of swing that Tiger Woods makes while striking a golf ball is a phenomenal feat of body and mind working together. Just like it is difficult to compare hitting a baseball to dunking a basketball, it is difficult to compare hitting a golf ball to any other sport. That doesn’t make it any less “athletic.” Just ask avid golfer Michael Jordan. I am sure he would be willing to tell you how great an athlete Tiger Woods is.
Oh, Travis. We are in quite the pickle, aren’t we? The four remaining choices represent vastly different directions for your life. Choose Sarah Canada and you might have your AARP card before she begins to show some semblance of maturity. Pick Moana and you might as well change your job title from “Doctor” to “shoulder to cry on.” Go with Susan and it’s quite likely you will be starting this process over again within 2 years after she moves to LA to serve coffee and fail as an actress. Go with Sarah Nashville and you might feel the urge to bite your arm every time you see a super-hot babe walk down the frozen foods aisle who makes you think of how it could have been with the other three women. Don’t fret Travis. I am sure life will be just fine no matter which woman you choose as you apparently have been programmed to operate flawlessly with members of the opposite sex. As for what I think is going to happen…..I am going to shamelessly pat myself on the back and look back at my initial predictions after the first show. I had Sarah Nashville as the favorite, with Susan and Sarah Canada in 2nd and 3rd position in the race. I am going to stick to my guns. I don’t think Susan and Canada stand much of a chance in the grand scheme due to the acting thing and the immaturity thing. Moana is still difficult to get a read on. I like her, but something about her still seems to lack authenticity. Hence, I will agree with Kenna and go with Sarah Nashville. She is the safe bet and seems to be the best fit with our boy Travis.
posted 4:20 pm on 1/30/06 by Dan Clarin
The Last Relevant Week of Sports Until March
Although it hasn’t been all that difficult to come up with topics to write about since the inception of this website, it could get a little trying once they blow the final whistle on Super Bowl XL. As if the content of this site isn’t already heavily weighted towards non-sports items, it will get even more so until brackets are made available for me to butcher in March. A quick rundown of things I care about today:
-- Anyone who watched yesterday’s Suns-Cavs game was not only entertained but should have come away with an idea of the difference between Steve Nash and legitimate NBA MVP candidates. There was one legitimate MVP candidate playing in that game yesterday and his name was LeBron James. LeBron has been making a mockery of the NBA after a relatively slow start to the season. In his last 5 games, he has averaged 37.2 points, 7.8 rebounds, 7.2 assists, and 2.2 steals. That, my friends, is not fair. I believe the problem that LeBron is running into right now is that people still have him labeled as a “potential star” and are failing to recognize what he is doing right now for what it is. He has so much talent that people constantly focus on the shortcomings in his games. Yes, he still takes too many three pointers and he sometimes gets caught up in the moment and forces bad shots. Plus, he is still learning to play defense. However, this doesn’t change the fact that he is one of the most dominant scorers in the game, he does the majority of the ball handling for the Cavaliers, and he already has the ability to take over games at the age of 21. It is really scary that he is going to continue to improve immensely over the next few years. Getting back to my initial point….if you look at Chris Kenna’s list of MVP possibilities, there is a difference between Nash and everyone else. Dirk, AI, Wade, McGrady, Kobe, and even Shaq can take over a game and carry their team for extended periods. Defensive deficiencies aside, Steve Nash runs D’Antoni’s system very well and he is a great player, but he is not in the same class with the rest of these guys. The Suns are a decent team and Nash is a big reason for that, but does anyone honestly think they are a contender with the way they play defense? And yes, Mr. Kenna, I don’t think you would be shocked to find out that the Suns would rather have LeBron James than Steve Nash.
-- The Steelers are going to win the Super Bowl. I don’t really want to get into this in too much detail because it is the most over-analyzed sporting event of the year, but the Steelers are a better team. I am going to need to be provoked to write about this so feel free to try.
-- Jeff, when our table ordered breakfast at IHOP on Sunday morning, I am pretty sure they were forced to hire another cook. Apparently, they are attempting to challenge Denny’s Lumberjack Slam for the title of “Most Unreasonable Amount of Food Served for Breakfast under a Single Title.” The largest combo was comprised of 2 eggs, 2 strips of bacon, 2 sausage links, a ham slice, hash browns, and….unlimited pancakes! Yes, in case a pair of every breakfast food item available wasn’t enough, you have the ability to order anywhere from 3 to infinity pancakes. And this costs $6.99. What a great country we live in.
-- Travis Stork and Chris Harrison will be holding court once again this evening, so be sure to tune in and get all the absurd recap here tomorrow.
posted 11:08 am on 1/27/06 by Dan Clarin
The Answers to All Your Questions
Can someone help me out here? Is it possible for someone to explain why Bode Miller believes himself to be the world's authority on everything? When you do things like grow up in a hut 26 miles outside of Montpelier, Vermont with no running water or electricity and you participate drunk in world class ski events, that basically makes you the coolest guy ever. Hence, you don’t need to be an authority in order to speak your mind on such topics as Barry Bonds, Lance Armstrong, and the Influenza Pandemic of 1918. He’s just “keeping it real.”
Who would win in a fight between Bode and Barry? It depends what types of weapons are allowed, but as long as they limit Bode’s access to medieval devices of torture, Barry would kick his ass and deposit him in McCovey Cove just for good measure. Lance? Just when Bode thinks he has the upper hand in this fight, one of two things would happen: Lance simply outlasts him due to his ethereal endurance abilities or Sheryl Crow comes out from behind a two-sided mirror and breaks a Fender Stratocaster over Bode’s skull.
Why are all the girls that snowboard absurdly hot? This is an interesting question and I will answer it with another question and a possible theory. Is it just a good crop of female snowboarders currently dominating the sport or is there something more to it? My theory has to do with expectations. Our expectations of snowboard girls are shaped by how we often see them: ripping up the slopes in gigantic winter jackets with helmets and other gear. Hence, I think the natural reaction is to expect a) a dude or b) a husky chick with an aggressively deep voice to come out of that helmet. When not only a girl, but a reasonably attractive girl, steps out of the bindings, it blows our expectations out of the water.
Why hasn't Danny Sells written a blog entry detailing his exploits with snowboarding chicks? Among the things that occupy the daily docket of Danny Sells are: supplying oil to FedEx trucks and cruise ships, expertly skiing double black diamond slopes, finding a “new girl” on accident, winning the heart of new girl, finding the flaws of said new girl within 7-10 business days, attending Colorado Rockies games, hiking 14,000 foot mountains, attending rugby practices, trying out for arena football teams, drinking responsibly, and giving back to the community. Does it look like he has time to write entries for this crummy website? Certainly you jest.
Is Danny stuck in a snowdrift somewhere near Golden, Colorado? Only if the term “somewhere near” is used very loosely because Danny would never be caught within a stone’s throw of the absolute fraud that is Golden, Colorado. Just ask him.
Are the 2006 Miami Heat on the verge of becoming the biggest group of underachievers ever? I am not prepared to answer this right now for three reasons: It’s only January, the high school class I graduated with currently holds that title, and all that is in my body right now is a bacon swiss burger and fries, the remnants of 13 Miller Lites, two vanilla long johns, an orange juice, and a pot of coffee.
Is Pat Riley aware that Shaq still plays for them? Probably, but I don’t think he is aware that Gordon Gecko was just a character in a movie.
Why did Doug Collins dye his hair blonde? I am running out of answers.
Why am I still typing? Because your posts are funny, thoughtful, and downright entertaining, and work is boring.
posted 9:44 am on 1/24/06 by Dan Clarin
Tara-dise
Jeff, I admire your theory. It is well-crafted, funny, and interesting. It is very possible that Travis cannot bring himself to eliminate that little tart at each rose ceremony. As you mentioned, she likes to grind up on him wearing little more than a square foot of fabric, and it appears that she could be quite a handful when the lights go out. These are certainly valid points. However, what we are basically doing at this point is handicapping the race. And one mantra I always try to remember when gambling is the old, “Don’t try to be a hero, just try to win money.” Although Tara’s odds may look appealing right now, there is a reason she is a long-shot. As you said, she has done little right thus far other than “be hot.” This will catch up with her. Travis has not really had to make a difficult decision thus far at a rose ceremony. As hot as Jennifer was, would Danny Sells ever seriously consider a girl that freaks out at bugs in a tent? Neither would Travis, so that was easy for him. As for Cole, who was more my type, she certainly wasn’t Travis’s type. It is obvious he requires a woman with a little spunk and fire, and as sweet and pretty as Cole was, she wasn’t for him. As for last night, it was obvious Shiloh wasn’t bringing a whole lot to the table. Hence, has Travis had to make a difficult decision yet? I say no.
To be honest Jeffrey, I don’t know if you give our man Travis enough credit. This is a smart fellow who is also 10 years our elder. While we were playing beer pong until 5:30 am in hopes of performing the Can Man beer pong marathon, Travis was pulling all-nighters at the hospital and operating on gun-shot victims. Plus, judging by his appearance and his vocation, I wouldn’t be surprised if, despite being single, he has had his fair share of experiences with the opposite sex. I believe he may be keeping Tara around just because she is fun to have around and fun to look at, and because he hasn’t really had any good reason to knock her out yet.
There is one favorite right now. Susan is far ahead of anyone, although Moana could be gaining ground. Canada Sarah had the early lead, but I think she could be gone sooner rather than later if she isn’t careful. I actually thought she might get the ax last night, but she was able to stick around due to Jennifer’s poor performance on the camping trip. Jehan, Tara, and Nashville Sarah will be fighting to stay around after the next rose ceremony. As an aside, has being from Nashville ever done more for someone? I can’t think of one other reason that Travis has kept her around this long.
One postscript: It appears a few of these girls did not read the Bachelor rule book before coming on the show. One of the worst things you can do in your alone time with the bachelor is talk solely about the other girls. There is no more surefire way to earn a one way ticket home. Shiloh is just the latest victim. I expect Nashville Sarah will be next.
posted 11:41 am on 1/23/06 by Dan Clarin
A Case of the Mondays
What a crazy weekend! It was a great time to sit in front of the television and relax and enjoy some televised sports and other nonsense. So little time, so much to talk about…..let’s just do it bullet point style.
-- I normally don’t delve into college basketball in too much detail. This is mainly because I see it as a glorified minor league version of the NBA with slightly different rules. That doesn’t change the excitement generated by the NCAA Tournament, but I find it very hard to get excited about the regular season. This Saturday was different. All three major undefeated teams lost in one day. St. John’s defeated Pittsburgh, which wasn’t altogether a big surprise. Then Georgetown beat Duke, which was more of a surprise. This was a great game, and I don’t say that too often about college basketball games. Jeff Green was all over the floor for Georgetown and they hit big shot after big shot. Shelden Williams did his patented disappearing act when matched up with players of equal or greater size than him. JJ Redick scored a ton of points in the first 30 minutes and then disappeared down the stretch. Also, a couple of things to keep an eye out for next time you watch ESPN’s College Basketball Player of the Century, JJ Redick. He loves driving to his right, and due to his lack of speed, almost every time he attempts to drive past a defender, he commits an offensive foul by either pushing off or hooking the defender. This, obviously, is never called. Plus, he cannot get his shot off against a taller defender. I think he projects as a Steve Kerr-type player in the NBA at best. Finally, Florida lost, which surprised me. I thought they had the best staying power as an undefeated team due to their conference. Plus, they have Chris Kenna’s new favorite player, Al Horford, and some solid guard play. It appears Tennessee could be dangerous. Bruce Pearl has more talent in Knoxville than he did in Milwaukee last year, and the result last year was a Sweet 16 appearance….just something to watch out for. OK, that’s way too much about college basketball. Time to move on.
-- There was some crazy stuff on television yesterday. I watched the History Channel review of The DaVinci Code. I had seen bits and pieces before, but this time I watched the whole thing. There are some interesting theories about Jesus being married to Mary Magdalene and having a child, and how this secret was being protected and hidden. This part is easily the most interesting because the further you go back in history, the sources get rarer and less reliable. However, Dan Brown basically just took a lot of unconnected theories and groups and tied them all together with some very provocative and thrilling fiction. Great book. I really enjoyed it, but it is purely a fiction work. For instance, the Priory of Scion, which was a crux of the text, was a hoax created by some dope in 1956 in France. The History Channel is the most consistently entertaining channel on television. Almost any time you turn to it, there is something worth watching whether it is the history of breweries or an episode of Band of Brothers. The other consistently entertaining channels are the INHD channels. These come with cable HD service, and they have most bizarre smorgasbord of show offerings ever, basically because they are trying to fill 24 hours a day with HD programming, which apparently isn’t easy. Yesterday some of the offerings included IMAX films about the Table Mountains in Venezuela and the Amazon, a tape replay of a Tennessee-Memphis men’s basketball game, and a show called Tour de Gorge. This last one easily took 1st prize for the day.
-- In fact, it needs its own bullet point. It was a televised meatball eating competition sanctioned by the International Federation of Competitive Eating (http://www.ifoce.com/). The two hosts were beyond entertaining. Prior to the main event they interviewed the contestants Daily Show style by asking absurd questions in a very serious manner. (Do you have dreams about the other eaters? Do you know that you are a very attractive woman? Do you dream about me?) The winner and current best competitive eater on the circuit is a small woman named Sonya Thomas. I don’t know what to tell you. This is incredible. She routinely beats guys like “Cookie” Jarvis, who is 6’5” and weighs 409 pounds. She must have a very strong mental game. Apparently, she is the great American hope to dethrone the immortal Kobayashi in the Hot Dog Eating Contest this year. Excerpt from her profile: “However, in 2005, Sonya was tested by other American eaters, most notably by Joey Chestnut, who beat her in Waffle House waffles and in Krystal hamburgers. Many Americans remain hopeful that Sonya will fulfill the prophesy and beat Kobayashi -- but can she do it? Is she the one?” I don’t know. But I do know one thing. If you aren’t tuned in to that contest this summer, you don’t enjoy quality entertainment.
-- The NFL had two big games yesterday, but after that last bullet point, I don’t know how excited I can get about this. I am glad Pittsburgh and Seattle won, and it should be a good game in Detroit in two weeks. Despite temporary delirium, people seem to have remembered now why Jake Plummer has thrown 148 interceptions in his 9 year career. Also, the way Seattle handled Steve Smith has to upset you if you are a Bears fan. Was it really that hard? Lovie and Ron, are we serious that the thought of, “Let’s make Drew Carter and Brad Hoover beat us” never crossed your minds? Oh well. It is pretty obvious the Bears wouldn’t have beaten the Seahawks either way.
-- In case you are severely misled and come here for your sports news, Kobe Bryant did score 81 points last night. This is really impressive. He is obviously one of the greatest scorers in NBA history. Plus, he is a solid defensive player. And yes Jeffrey, his supporting cast has limited talent. However, this one game doesn’t change anything about Kobe Bryant. He did what several others could have done if given the opportunity to shoot every possession against a team with no one capable of guarding him. I don’t mind Kobe Bryant. He is a great scorer. He is a rare combination of size, speed, and grace. I refuse to compare him to Michael Jordan or anyone else because these are different players under different circumstances. I just want to take it for what it was: A phenomenal scoring performance by a rare player. There have been a lot of instances of this in NBA history by such players as George Gervin, David Thompson, Karl Malone, and David Robinson. Are these four of the greatest players ever? No. They were great players, but one game does not a career make. Anyone that tries to make it into more than just one game is kidding themselves. Just like Kobe was kidding himself in the post-game talking about how important this home win over the Raptors was. Keep it real, Kobe. That’s all I ask.
posted 10:43 am on 1/17/06 by Dan Clarin
The Morning After, Part 2
There was a lot to enjoy in the 120 minutes of Bachelor action last night. The incredibly attractive women were once again present, which was helpful, and we received a little bit more insight into the bachelor. The show works so much better when the bachelor makes some effort to actually find a mate rather than simply using the show to hook up with as many hot chicks as possible (see Jesse Palmer and Jerry O’Connell’s brother). Trying to do a complete review of the show would take entirely too long, so I am going to attempt to pinpoint the important topics and lessons from the round of 12.
First, we got another look at the meltdown of the century. It became clear that her main problems were insecurity and insanity after the 14th viewing of her going off on the camera and Travis. If you are really as great as you say, then we probably would be looking at you with a rose in your hand rather than harassing cameramen, producers, and anyone else that would listen. In related news, all but three of her patients changed doctors after deciding they wanted their cancer treated by someone who wasn’t insane.
The twist of the do or die date was interesting. My main thought on this is that if you are asked to go on one of these dates, you have reason to be nervous. If he knows he wants to keep you around, there is no reason for him to spend that much time getting to know you better. Hence, you probably shouldn’t pull out the orange peel teeth routine and the 3rd grade rhymes. I respect Kristen for being herself, but there are times when you just have to play the game in order to have a better chance of sticking around. As it went, she had a memorable Italian dinner on a boat trip down the Seine….life could be worse.
The group dates are always an interesting dynamic with the girls vying for his attention. Plus, they always do something completely ridiculous that could never be matched by any real world date. If Joe Regular had the ability to take a prospective girlfriend on top of the Arc de Triomphe or on a helicopter ride to Champagne, I am sure he would love to do it, but that is not how things work in the real world. I have a theory that this is the main reason that these relationships never work after the show is over. Once the show is over, he is no longer The Bachelor living in a chateau in Paris and taking you on helicopter rides. He is just a guy named Travis who has a job like everyone else, and nothing is quite as it was during the courtship. Although it’s quite nice, dinner and a movie doesn’t have the same romantic effect as hanging out on a blanket on top of one of the world’s most recognizable landmarks.
As for who received roses and who didn’t, I have to believe Travis was regretting the decision to give Tara the early rose after seeing her scurrying around like a schoolgirl while he was alone with Susan. If he could have taken the rose from Tara and given it to Cole during the ceremony, I believe he would have. At least, I know I would have. Cole would destroy Tara in a Dr. Jack Ramsey breakdown of attributes, both physical and mental. I can almost guarantee Tara doesn’t last past the next rose ceremony. Along those same lines, either I have seen this show too many times or Travis was showing his hand too early, because all three women I put odds on are still alive after the second rose ceremony. Susan and Sarah from Canada are looking like the favorites, but it’s hard to count anyone out at this point. Updated odds are as follows:
Susan 4-1
Sarah 6-1
Field 3-1
Prediction for next week: Shiloh and Tara get the axe as eight women become six.
posted 12:05 pm on 1/16/06 by Dan Clarin
Time for some brief thoughts on life prior to tonight’s 2-hour “The Bachelor”
--I am disappointed but not devastated regarding the Chicago Bears’ playoff loss. As a Bears fan, you never really expect them to win a game with the word “playoff” attached to it, so that is not much of a shock in and of itself. What is disappointing is the inability of the defense to even pretend to stop Steve Smith and the Carolina Panther offense. They had 290 yards of offense at halftime and Steve Smith ended up with 242 of his own yards by the time the clock expired. It appeared to me that the Bears defense was too confident in their ability to apply pressure with a 4-man rush after the success that they had in their previous meeting with the Panthers. This resulted in Delhomme having plenty of time to throw all day long, and also giving him the stage to perform his “craziest and most spasmatic quarterback ever” routine throughout the game. Enough about the past though. The future of the Chicago Bears, for the first time that I can remember, appears bright. Rex Grossman should become a solid NFL starter with a little more experience, and Bernard Berrian and Mark Bradley will provide a nice complement to Muhsin Muhammad in the next couple years. The defense is very young and will only get better with time and perhaps a little bit of reinforcement in the secondary. And as a bonus, the Vikings, Packers, and Lions all fired their coaches after the season, so the Bears shouldn’t have a terrible time staying on top of the NFC North for the time being.
--There was some crazy officiating this weekend in the NFL, and there were some crazy plays. Champ Bailey makes a great play and then stops running at the 3 yard line. Thomas Jones loses the ball into the endzone for a touchback but the play is nullified due to a facemask penalty. That play produced my favorite referee quote of the weekend, “We have a personal foul facemask penalty on #27 of the defense….and we also have….(raises his arms)….a touchdown on the play.” The best part was that it was the furthest thing from a touchdown that possibly could have been mistaken for a touchdown. Yet, the most absurd occurrence of the weekend could have changed the course of history if Peyton Manning and the Colts didn’t decide to choke on it for the umpteenth time. Troy Palomalu clearly intercepted a Peyton Manning pass in the 4th quarter. What followed was perhaps the worst call in NFL history. I am generally not a subscriber to conspiracy theories, but that’s the only reasonable explanation I can find for this call. He caught the ball while on his feet, fell to the ground, rolled over several times, and then lost the ball, but somehow he never had control of it. Oh well. Thankfully the Colts weren’t able to take advantage.
--While I think Peyton Manning is a great quarterback, I have been on the Tom Brady bandwagon for a while now. Their respective track records speak for themselves at this point. Brady is a rare football player. He combines an ability to make almost any throw with unbelievable poise, leadership, and passion for the game. If you have one game to win and you take anyone other than him, you are kidding yourself. I know this has all been said before, but I think sometimes people don’t direct enough credit his way. When he is done playing, he will be rightfully mentioned in the same breath as Montana, Starr, and Unitas.
--Yes, I ate two Triple Whoppers from Burger King yesterday. To give you an idea of how big this sandwich is, the value meal of which it is a part sets you back a cool $8.00. At a fast food restaurant. Jeff, I will have you know, and Chris can attest to this, it was not a struggle. However, I think it helped my appetite that I sweated off a gallon of water weight at the Burger King, where the thermostat was set at the “Mojave desert” level on the dial. It was easily the hottest retail environment I have ever encountered. That combined with the broken English speaking manager doing a Spanish Inquisition of our coupons combined to make it one of the more bizarre BK visits in history. Yet, it was one that I will never forget.
--The Bachelor is on for 2 hours tonight. Thank you ABC.
--Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. Why? He was a great man and January is more than halfway behind us..
posted 1:50 pm on 1/12/06 by Dan Clarin
Bruuuuuccce!
I normally don’t pay too much attention to Hall of Fame inductions because the decisions are generally rather uncontroversial and the voters are a bunch of old codgers who can be forgiven for minor transgressions. My reaction is usually something along the lines of, “Oh, Ryne Sandberg was inducted? Good for him, he was good. What’s for lunch?” However, the recent induction of Bruce Sutter into the Baseball Hall of Fame managed to draw my ire. Although the Football Hall of Fame in Canton is quite prestigious, there is nothing quite like the tradition of baseball’s hall. If you get to have your bust enshrined in Cooperstown, you better be pretty damn good. However, sometimes when there are no truly great candidates on the list, the voters talk themselves into inducting someone who probably shouldn’t be there. If there was anyone on this year’s list who should have been considered, it was Goose Gossage, not Bruce Sutter. Yes, Bruce was a very good reliever and he was one of the first pitchers to effective use the split fingered fastball, but he basically had two great seasons and six good seasons. Plus, he was basically useless after age 31. I don’t see how he is really that much different from a whole group of closers including John Wetteland, Tom Henke, Doug Jones, and Lee Smith, among others. Hopefully this doesn’t begin a trend of too many relievers making the hall of fame because Sutter is used as a measuring stick. I am a believer in the idea that most good starting pitchers could be closers, but they aren’t because they are more valuable as starters. Hence, a closer/reliever should have to be absolutely outstanding in order to get consideration for the hall of fame. They simply have much less impact on the success of a team than a starting pitcher or a position player who plays 160 games.
Granted, it’s easy to say who shouldn’t be in the Hall of Fame, but who should? As for relievers, there is only one reliever right now who isn’t in the hall who absolutely should be, and he is still playing. Obviously, everyone knows this is Mariano Rivera. But who else? Well, I am going to answer that question regarding current players of age 29 or higher. Despite how great many players in their 20’s there are, going much younger than 29 gets rather speculative. After this list is complete, it will be rather obvious that we are living in a great period of baseball chock full of an alarming number of future hall of famers. Again, these are current players only.
Catcher – Mike Piazza, Ivan Rodriguez
1st Base – Todd Helton, Frank Thomas, Jeff Bagwell
2nd Base – Roberto Alomar, Jeff Kent, Craig Biggio
Shortstop – Derek Jeter, Miguel Tejada
3rd Base – Alex Rodriguez
Outfield – Vladimir Guerrero, Gary Sheffield, Ichiro Suzuki, Manny Ramirez, Ken Griffey Jr., Barry Bonds, Andruw Jones (turns 29 in April)
Pitchers – Mariano Rivera, Randy Johnson, Pedro Martinez, Roger Clemens, Greg Maddux, Tom Glavine
I also have to give props to Tim “Rock” Raines, who will be eligible for induction soon. If he doesn’t get in, I am going to pull a Chris Kenna and boycott baseball in some fashion, whether it be the hall of fame or the game itself. He was the second best leadoff hitter of all time, but just happened to play at the same time as the greatest one.
In other news, I continue to occasionally come out of retirement from competitive eating just to show everyone that I still have it. The next big feat on the agenda is to eat 2 triple whoppers from Burger King. I will keep everyone updated as to the results, and if you don’t see posts from me for a while, it might be due to an extended hospital visit.
posted 11:28 am on 1/10/06 by Dan Clarin
Dr. Travis Stork and his lovely ladies
In my college years, The Bachelor was one of the very few shows I watched consistently other than sporting events. It was the perfect show to watch with a big group of people, especially if several to many of those people were female. The reason for this is that it’s a great show for eliciting reactions about subjects common to men and women. Plus, it lends itself quite well to gambling, which you can probably tell by now is enjoyed by all the contributors to this website.
Unfortunately, after the Andrew Firestone season, much like many other shows that get tired of their own successful formula, The Bachelor jumped on the gimmick train. Backup quarterback Jesse Palmer wasn’t bad, but he obviously wasn’t an ideal candidate, and even worse was Jerry O’Connell’s brother. At that point, from what I understand, the show decided girls getting extremely pissed at each other, the bachelor being semi-famous, and then proceeding to get it on with numerous women is what should drive the show. Although these are key elements of the show’s attractiveness, they are only effective in doses. Thankfully, The Bachelor appears to have discovered its roots. The show is set in Paris, which is a romantic place from what I have heard about it, and the bachelor occupies a 14th century chateau outside of the city. Plus, the new bachelor is actually what the show should be looking for. He is charismatic, un-famous, and if the girls’ spasmatic reactions upon seeing him are any indication, very easy on the eyes. Plus, he is old enough (33) where it is reasonable to think he is actually in this to find a mate rather than just find many mates over the course of the show. To top it off, he is a doctor. Hence, we have a very eligible bachelor in every sense of the phrase.
Now, for the important part: the women. Travis is a lucky guy because apparently they were looking for three varieties of women while casting for this show: hot, smoking hot, and hand-crafted by God. As the ladies filed out of their limos to meet Travis for the first time, the look on his face slowly evolved from “really excited to be here” to “are you serious?” to “I might need to go get a fresh set of drawers after this scene is over.” He then began to realize what a difficult decision it would be to send 13 of them home after barely meeting them. (I don’t pity him.) As for the meat of the first episode, it is always the most schizophrenic episode because there are 25 women vying for his attention and we have about a half hour of air time to show all of it and have him decide on which 12 he wants to keep. The twist in the last couple seasons was that he had one rose to give out before the actual rose ceremony. This is great because it causes him to make a tough decision and it elicits alarmed reactions from the 24 ladies who don’t receive it. It appears that Travis and I would get along because he chose my favorite of the 25, Sarah B, who happens to be an F9 on the Fujita scale. As for the other eleven that get picked, I would find it interesting to hear Travis explain how he made his decisions. If the bachelor truly has a very short time in which to decide which 12 to keep, the criteria should be simple. I would simply go with the 12 that I am most attracted to physically since you don’t know any of them that well. Sometimes the bachelor can luck out with early warning signs appearing and that can make it easier to eliminate some of the girls. For instance, last night we were treated to one of the women telling Travis that she was “ready to start the reproductive phase of her life.” If she was in a contest to win the 25th place award or she was a golden retriever, that would have been a fine thing to say. However, that’s usually not the best choice of words when you are meeting a guy for the first time. It only got better as her demeanor during the rose ceremony vaguely resembled a volcano in the early stages of eruption, and she then proceeded to have one of the all-time great meltdowns in bachelor history.
So where do we stand after one episode? We have an eligible bachelor, 12 gorgeous women, a 14th century chateau, and Paris and the rest of Europe playing the role of playground for the next 7 episodes. So let’s handicap the race at this point. Although Sarah B. got the first rose, I wouldn’t necessarily call her the favorite at this point. Here’s how I see it after one show:
Sarah S. 5-1
Susan 6-1
Sarah B. 8-1
Field 3-1
And Jeff, I think you might need to amend that list of people you want to trade places with to include The Bachelor. Life is good right now for Travis Stork.
posted 11:35 am on 1/6/06 by Dan Clarin
From the archives
Back before my days as a talented, professional writer for this very legit website, I dabbled in some freelance writing for Chris Kenna's own award-winning website. I didn't feel like writing a new entry today, so I dug this out of the archives. The material shouldn't be time sensitive so it doesn't matter when I wrote it. Basically, this piece starts off with me describing a couple of the finer aspects of Tecmo Bowl, and then I do a power ranking of the teams in the game. And if you are noticing a theme of video game and food related material, you now know why I am near the bottom of the league in phone numbers attained per bar visit. Anyway, try to enjoy this excerpt from the archives.....
So there was this play that several teams had where the running back would go into the flat, and the QB would throw a completely flat pass to them that never got further than about 30 inches off the ground. This pass could go through defenders too, so you could drop back about 35 yards and throw a flat 40 yard pass to your running back that never got more than 3 feet off the ground. One of the greatest video game features ever. Plus, the play usually worked well, especially with Walter Payton. As for the jail break, whenever you picked your opponents play, offensive efficiency became extremely difficult. However, it was possible to gain yards. You needed one of three things: good timing on a crossing pass to a tight end or WR, Walter Payton, or Bo Jackson. These three things could usually avoid a loss on the “jailbreak”. Hence, having a team with a crossing pattern, Walter Payton or Bo Jackson was essential to avoid guaranteed losses about 25% of the time. So, with that said, here are the Tecmo Bowl Power Rankings:
1) Chicago
Offense: I don’t even need to mention Payton. They also had Willie Gault being his world class speed self and Cap Boso crawling over the middle to avoid sacks on the jailbreak. As an aside, I haven’t done the proper research, but how in God’s good name do you end up with a name like Cap Boso?
Defense: This defense was sick. They had a usable player at every level, which was rare in this game. McMichael, Singletary or Duerson could ravage your offensive game plan, but if you choose anyone except Singletary, you are kidding yourself. Samurai Mike was the second best defensive player in the game, and there wasn’t a close third.
Special Teams: Kevin Butler was able to nail long field goals and Dennis Gentry was an underrated commodity on the kick return. Very dangerous….if you sleep on him, he might just take you house. Don’t say I didn’t warn you when you get embarrassed by a guy named Dennis.
2) New York
Offense: Joe Morris was a pretty solid running back and Mark Bavaro was a terror, but who cares anyway. All you needed to do was score about 14 points with this team because their one man defense pitched shutouts like the Big Unit.
Defense: Carl Banks was decent and so was their front line, but they were all just supporting actors for the greatest video game football player, maybe besides Bo Jackson and Michael Vick…maybe. Lawrence Taylor was probably the fastest player in the game, and especially when you speed up on defense when chasing runners, he could run a forty in about 2.4 seconds. This translated into being able to get into just about every passing lane the offense could muster up. If you used LT and you didn’t average over four interceptions per game, either the offense wasn’t throwing the ball, or you sucked at the game. He was virtually unblockable unless he got double teamed and no running back could out run him, so you are basically screwed. The only reason this team isn’t number one is because LT couldn’t play offense, and Chicago was a lot more well rounded.
Special Teams: Raul Allegre was a pretty good kicker, but their return guy was a slow white guy, plus his name was Phil McConkey, so take that as you will.
3) San Francisco
Offense: Their offense was pretty solid. However, running the ball was difficult with only one running play, and the opponent always chooses the shotgun play which makes that play suck too. Hence, you are left with two pretty average passing plays….not a great offensive game plan. Jerry Rice is nasty and somewhat makes up for it, but Roger Craig is pretty average, and the QB doesn’t make a huge difference in this game. However, you could do worse than this offense, as we will see later.
Defense: They have two very good defensive players. Michael Carter is their nose tackle and he can wreak some damn havoc. However, it is always tougher to play with linemen. Ronnie Lott is awesome and decapitates people at an alarmingly high rate in this game, but I would rather play with Singletary or LT any day. Playing with a linebacker just works a lot better.
Special Teams: I think Ray Wershing is their kicker and besides his name being Wershing, he isn’t very good. I don’t remember who their return guy is but if it isn’t Rice or John Taylor, they aren’t going to be worth much either.
4) Los Angeles
Offense: Bo. He is awesome, but hadn’t yet come into his prime as in Tecmo Super Bowl. Plus, there is only one play for him, so the defense can pick it every time. Marcus Allen is very good, but he is much more stoppable than Bo. Jay Schroeder is obviously a joke at QB and their passing game is pretty bad. However, Bo is good enough to get them into this spot because you have to pick that play every time unless you want him to run for a season’s worth of yards on you in one game.
Defense: About all they have going for them is Howie Long, who can dominate pretty soundly. Michael Haynes is decent but nothing special in the secondary. Having to use a lineman hurts you in defending the pass, and Long is pretty much the only option here.
Special Teams: Their kicker was Chris Bahr, but he wasn’t as good as Matt, and I don’t remember their return man, and unless it was Tim Brown, I am pretty sure he was about as good as stale macaroni.
After these four teams, there is a large drop off in awesomeness, so I am simply going to rank them with comments where applicable…..
5) Cleveland – Gerald McNeil on the kick return is dangerous like a water moccasin. The defense features three solid players in Minniefield, Dixon, and Clay Matthews, and the offense has Kevin Mack Truck who was one of the better running backs in the game. Kosar to Langhorne was decent, and you can’t forget Webster Slaughter even though he wasn’t that good.
6) Washington – Wilber Marshall, Dexter Manley, Charles Mann, and Darrell Green. This defense was pretty damn good, but they didn’t have one great player. On offense, Doug Williams was pretty decent, and the receivers were good with Art Monk and Ricky Sanders. I think Monk or Gary Clark was the kick returner. Whoever it was got the job done pretty well. The immortal Timmy Smith is the running back, but he isn’t very good.
7) Denver – John Elway runs pretty well and can complete some passes to Ricky Nattiel when necessary. Tony Dorsett is past his prime but still can break off some pretty solid runs. Karl Mecklenburg is your only hope on defense but he isn’t that great. Hence, this team is quite porous on defense. Rich Karlis is the kicker….if only they made him barefoot in the game. That would have been enough to move them higher on the list by at least one spot. Return game is not very good, in fact, I think it’s a white guy.
8) Minnesota – Their offense was very average, with Darrin Nelson being OK and Tommy Kramer being awful. However, they did have Anthony Carter. Yet this team was all about defense. Joey Browner, Chris Doleman, and Keith Millard gave three viable options. But let’s be serious, no one is using this team unless they are from the Twin Cities or they really enjoy the color purple.
9) Miami – Sure, they had Marino, Clayton, and Duper, but throwing wasn’t that easy when you couldn’t run the ball AT ALL. Their defense sucked too.
10) Seattle – I don’t know what they were thinking putting Seattle fourth in their rankings. This team is complete garbage. They love Curt Warner but he wasn’t that great in the game and Largent was just OK. The defense sucked. Just because Easley was good in real life doesn’t mean he was good in the game. Again though, no one really plays with these teams, so who really cares.
11) Indianapolis – Their one redeeming point was Dickerson. Jack Trudeau was a clown and their defense sucked, led by LB Duane Bickett who was an even bigger wuss than Trudeau. Horrible team….don’t even know why they are on the game.
12) Dallas – Other than Herschel Walker, they are really really crappy. I don’t know anyone who has ever used them.
posted 12:28 pm on 1/4/06 by Dan Clarin
Rose Bowl Showdown
Tonight’s national championship game has been analyzed ad nauseum for the past several weeks. Over the past week or so, it has felt like every college football show and every SportsCenter has had about 15 minutes devoted to the game. And somewhere along the line, people started convincing themselves that Texas can actually win this game. Maybe they can, but the last 34 games have me pretty well convinced that USC is not about to lose this one. However, in order to give each team a fair shake, let’s do a 100% scientific analysis to see who has the edge.
Quarterback
Edge: USC. While Vince Young has had a great run starting with last year’s Rose Bowl, Matt Leinart owns a 37-1 record as a starter, more weapons, a Heisman trophy, more touchdown passes, less interceptions, and a higher completion percentage. Yes, Vince Young is Texas’s leading rusher, but is that really a good thing?
Running Back
Edge: You’re kidding right?
Wide Receiver
Edge: USC. Texas has some talent at tight end and wide receiver, but Dwayne Jarrett and Steve Smith make up one the best receiver combos in the nation.
Offensive Line
Edge: USC, if anyone. Both lines appear to be quite good. Young has been sacked just 13 times in 12 games, but his mobility likely contributes to that. Meanwhile, White and Bush both average well over 6 yards per carry and Leinart, despite limited mobility and a pass heavy offense, has been sacked just 14 times in 12 games.
Defensive Front 7
Edge: Texas, slightly. USC’s front seven is better than people give them credit for, but there is a reason Texas is allowing less than 17 points per game. For the most part, neither team has been easy to run against.
Secondary
Edge: Texas. There is a much bigger discrepancy here than in the front seven. Texas’s defensive backs are athletic and tough, and USC’s biggest weakness has been its cornerbacks. When teams have had success against USC, it has been in the passing game. Although their safeties are solid, their cornerbacks have been victimized repeatedly. This is how Notre Dame nearly beat USC and Texas will have to be able to take advantage of this to have a chance.
Coaching
Edge: USC, slightly. Pete Carroll obviously has been here before, and will have his team prepared. Plus, his blitz package should be able to confuse Vince Young at times. Mack Brown has never been in this situation before, but defensive coordinator Gene Chizik won’t make things easy for USC.
Location
Edge: USC. Texas played in the Rose Bowl last year, so they know the lay of the land. However, this game is in Southern California, and although Texas will travel well, expect USC to have a slight home field edge both in fan support and comfort level.
Fight Song
Edge: USC. Perhaps the most intimidating music currently being played by a college marching band.
Cheerleaders
Edge: Push. While they certainly know how to grow them down in Texas, it is hard to beat the USC Song Girls. I don’t think it would be proper to choose one over the other.
Mascot
Edge: Texas. While both names are pretty cool, the actual Longhorn gets the nod here. His name is Bevo, and I am pretty sure he would have no problem making quick work of the horse and the fake Trojan guy riding it.
Best Win
USC: 34-31 @ Notre Dame Texas: 25-22 @ Ohio State Edge: Texas
Overall
Edge: USC. My pick is a 45-27 USC win.
posted 11:38 am on 12/29/05 by Dan Clarin
Artest-ing my patience
My reasoning was simple. Everyone knew about Ron Artest’s mental instability. This would cause a true top 20 fantasy player to fall to the third round of the draft, where I would be waiting to scoop him up. Seemed like a good idea at the time, if he could just play basketball for an entire season. I guess there is a reason people were staying away from him in the first two rounds. Ron has once again proven that he is perhaps the most insane player in NBA history and definitely the most talented player to fight fans, demand trades, and ask for time off to work on his album. Being the worldly, compassionate citizen that I am, naturally my main concern is how this affects my fantasy team. I also enjoy watching Ron-Ron play basketball, so with that in mind, it is imperative that Indiana trade him soon. The current situation is helping no one. There are two teams that seem to make the most sense, and both could offer Indiana a player who would help them make a run in the Eastern Conference. I get the sense that Indiana does not want to trade Artest within the East, so he will most likely go to a team in the Western Conference. Of the teams in the west, there are two that make more sense than any others, Memphis and Minnesota.
If Memphis were to offer a trade involving some combination of either Shane Battier or Mike Miller along with pieces to make the salary ramifications work, Indiana should be intrigued. Either of these players would give them a reasonably legit 4th scoring option along with Tinsley, O’Neal, and Jackson. Plus, neither player needs the ball in his hands to score, which would work well alongside these three guys. It would allow Indiana to play a big starting lineup that would be tough to match up with. Their bench would also be one of the strongest in the league, with Fred Jones, Sarunas Jasikevicius, Austin Croshere, Danny Granger, and David Harrison. As for Memphis, this could move them into the upper echelon of the Western Conference. A starting lineup of Stoudamire, Eddie Jones, Artest, Pau Gasol, and Lorenzen Wright would make them very balanced offensively and defensively, and Artest would be a main scoring option, which would please him.
As for Minnesota, the situation would be similar. A Wally Szczerbiak for Artest trade seems to make sense, and it would be good for both teams. Wally would give Indiana an outside shooting threat, and much like Mike Miller, a guy who doesn’t need the ball in his hands to be effective. Minnesota would be an interesting destination for Artest, as him and Garnett would form an imposing duo on offense and defense. This might be the last chance for KG to make a real run at a title, and a supporting cast of Artest, Jaric, Trenton Hassell, and the Kandi Man would make them very tough defensively. And again, Artest would be counted on to be scoring option 1A, which would keep him happy.
Personally, I would like to see him end up in Minnesota because that would make the T-Wolves very formidable and I want KG to have a real shot to win something before his career winds down. Also, this situation would be great for Artest’s fantasy stats.
posted 4:25 pm on 12/28/05 by Dan Clarin
Paste, Bay, Pitt ’80, and other video game nonsense
While perusing a recent copy of Gentleman’s Quarterly, I noticed that Playstation 3, Sony’s much anticipated answer to XBox 360, is scheduled to come out in March of this coming year. I didn’t think there was much room for improvement from my current Playstation 2, but this is coming from a guy who didn’t think it could get any better than an ambulance coming onto the field (and running over players in the process) in Madden ’92. Apparently the new system is going to feature HD graphics and improved processing speeds and a whole bunch of other technical jargon. Whether this is necessary is a good question, as I agree with the notion that sometimes it is nice to play an unrealistic, antiquated video game without all the jazzy graphics. That said, I am somewhat excited to see where this latest improvement is taking us. I am also curious to see when the improvements end in video games. When do we get to a point where everyone agrees enough is enough? I am not even going to speculate because I don’t know what programmers are capable of, but once human blood starts dripping from controllers when I get shot in Grand Theft Auto 13, that might make me question buying the next new and improved console.
One thing realism does to sports video games is it makes it more difficult for one player to dominate the game because things must be done within the framework of the realistic conditions. This has not always been the case, and in honor of the next generation of games, I believe it is only appropriate to honor the greats of the past. Hence, I give you the greatest video game athletes ever.
Paste – This single name struck more fear into opposing Bases Loaded pitchers than any other three combined. Sporting a workmanlike .400 average with 60 home runs, Paste was just as likely to spray singles to the opposite field as he was to send pitchers to the showers with 500 foot moon-shots. As if he needed any help, being protected in the lineup by Bay, a consistent .300 hitter with 30+ home run power, made Paste that much more dangerous. They were the Manny and Ortiz of their day, except much, much better.
Mark McGwire – Easily the best bench player in video game history, although him being on the bench is laughable. If you had any sense, it was a must to pinch-hit McGwire for leadoff hitter Willie Randolph on the AL All Star team in the original RBI Baseball. Big Mac came equipped with the stats from his monstrous rookie year in which he hit 49 dongs. Batting leadoff and getting his AB’s maximized, he was good for 1-2 homers per game and he led the league in balls hit over the scoreboard, balls hit out of the stadium, and balls hit completely off the screen.
WR #32 – Before the NCAA gave naming rights to video games, Bill Walsh College Football for Sega Genesis had such memorable teams as “South Bend” and “College Station”. One of the greatest things about this game was that it was one of the first games to employ a rating system for players. Ignoring the convention of a 10 or 100 point rating system, they used a curious 15 point rating system for things like speed, tackling, hands, throwing, and kicking. One team made such a mockery of this rating system that they were considered off-limits in head to head bouts. That team is the inimitable Pitt ’80. Their defensive linemen were faster than your running backs, and their offense was unstoppable mostly due to WR #32. He scored a perfect 15 in the speed category, and by the time your cornerbacks and safeties realized the ball had been snapped and a pass play was being run, he was already flipping the ball to the referee after scoring his 8th touchdown of the game.
Mike Sadler – He wasn’t really a football player. Actually, he was just a friend of mine who lived down the hall my senior year of college. Yet, on the team of my friends that I created in NCAA Football 2004, he was a one man wrecking crew. When I created the team, I used each person’s actual size, so I wasn’t sure how a 6’0”, 185 lb linebacker would respond to the wears and tears of a Division 1 college football season. I quickly found out that offensive lines had some trouble with his speed, and he finished the season with 49 sacks and a Heisman trophy from the defensive side of the ball.
Bo Jackson (Tecmo Bowl) – His greatness necessitates a mention here, but I was never a big fan. I was more a fan of the original Tecmo Bowl with the four plays and the 9 players on the field. However, I never played as the Raiders because people would take away Bo and leave you passing the ball with Jay Schroeder and playing with Howie Long on defense. Hence, as great as Bo was, he just didn’t have the supporting cast.
Bo Jackson (Bill Walsh College Football) – Now we’re talking. Playing for Auburn ’83, Bo was virtually unstoppable and he really needed only two plays to get the job done. By either pitching it to him on a sweep or the option, he would run over and outrun defenders on his way to 500+ yard rushing performances.
Honorable Mention
Barry Sanders – Had a 700 yard game with him in a late 90’s football game for Sega Genesis.
Jerry Rice (Madden 64)
Walter Payton, Lawrence Taylor (Tecmo Bowl)
Wario (Mario Kart)
Randall Cunningham (Tecmo Super Bowl)
Chris Mullin (NBA Jam) – Dropped 29 treys in a game with him while requiring numerous new nets due to fire damage.
Michael Vick (NCAA and Madden)
posted 12:14 pm on 12/21/05 by Dan Clarin
Jeff Tinker's 2005 Frownfest
If you are starting to feel like the sports world cheated you in 2005, have no fear. This past 12 months was not the banner year for frowning that my esteemed colleague Jeff Tinker would lead you to believe it was. It was actually quite a great year for sports. Before I get to the meat of my argument, however, I need to take issue with the selection of Fred Funk as one of the top 5 athletes that made him smile. Perhaps I chuckled at Freddy’s antics of wearing a skirt after hitting a drive shorter than Annika. But if a golfer wearing women’s clothing in the Skins game beats Reggie Bush into your top 5, I need to question your motivation for watching sports. Not only did Reggie Bush make me smile, I found myself laughing at the absurdity of some of his activities. The young man was born to tote the pigskin, and is one of many things that made me smile in 2005, including:
- The return of traditional powers Notre Dame, Alabama, and Penn State to the college football spotlight
- The greatness of USC (this is probably the best three year run in the history of college football)
- The NBA being on the verge of its next golden era with LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Amare Stoudemire (pray to God he is ok after this surgery), and a host of other young guns carrying the torch
- The Colts making a legitimate run at immortality by starting the season 13-0 and not having a game closer than 7 points
- Tiger Woods returning to his rightful perch among the legends of the game, winning 2 majors and turning in 4 Top 5 finishes in the majors (Jeff, I am an unabashed Tiger Woods fan as well and I sincerely want him to win every tournament he enters)
- The Suns bringing running and gunning back to the NBA, which was sorely missed in this defense-intensive era
- Chad Johnson asking for a random cheerleader’s hand in marriage
- Michelle Wie being temporarily put in her place by not winning an LPGA event and not making a cut at any of the men’s events
I could go on further, but as you can see, there truly were a lot of great stories in 2005, and one of the best was one which Jeff Tinker glazed over and grouped with the lifeless Patriots and Spurs. That’s right, the White Sox. Before the eyes start to roll, this will be a legitimate argument and not just a biased rant. What follows is basically the reasons why you can’t call the White Sox boring, and the things that people missed about the team because it wasn’t called the Yankees or Red Sox. If you weren’t paying close enough attention, you missed:
- A totally insane Venezuelan manager named Ozzie Guillen
- A shrewd black GM willing to take almost any risk to win a title
- Two crazy Cuban defectors, one finding redemption and becoming the late-season ace of the best staff in baseball
- Carl Everett does not believe in dinosaurs, despite significant scientific evidence
- Had a lead in their first 37 games of the season
- Let a 15 game lead shrink to 1.5 games, before rallying to seize the division
- Sweeping the defending champions in the ALDS, including a 14-2 shellacking
- The numerous controversies of the playoff series’
- Four consecutive complete games in the ALCS
- An overweight, 24 year old closer hitting triple digits on the radar gun
- A walk-off home run against Brad Lidge in the ALCS from a guy who had 0 home runs in the regular season
- A Japanese import named Tadahito being perhaps the team’s MVP in the regular season
- An 11-1 run through the playoffs with the only loss being by one run
- Winning the first White Sox World Series in 88 years, a longer streak than the vaunted Red Sox
Other than that stuff though, they were pretty boring. After all of this, I can only hope that 2006 is half as good as 2005, and that Terrell Owens and Ron Artest start playing their sports regularly again, because that is a lot of fun.
posted 4:24 pm on 12/20/05 by Dan Clarin
Motion for the abolishment of MVP Awards
After going through the third cycle of MVP talk in the last month or so (first ARod vs. Papi, then the beginnings of NBA MVP talk featuring Elton Brand, now discussions comparing Tiki Barber, Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, etc.), I have grown very weary of the old “MVP discussion” and who I need to consider and why.
Hence, as a service to the American sporting public, I plan on neglecting to recognize the existence of Most Valuable Player awards from now on. From what I can gather, MVP awards serve 3 purposes: 1) to incite arguments at any arbitrary point in the season over who the MVP should be, 2) to cause confusion among fans, players, and coaches as to what actually constitutes an MVP, and 3) to reward a player on a winning team. Arguments over MVP’s can be fun and harmless in moderate amounts, but oftentimes it is simply fodder for talking heads who have nothing else to give their overvalued opinions about. And ultimately these arguments have no clear answer as there are numerous viable candidates that play different positions for different teams that run different schemes, which makes it very hard to compare them all. In abandoning the antiquated MVP system, I aim to end pointless banter regarding arbitrary awards, relieve fans and others of the confusion regarding what constitutes an MVP, and provide a system of truly individual awards.
There is no one agreed upon definition for Most Valuable Player. Some think it should simply be awarded to the most outstanding player in a given year, but that certainly has not been the case in most MVP situations. Others think it should be given to the one player you would want on your team more than anyone else in the league. Still others think it should be awarded to the player who was most instrumental to their team’s successes. Whatever it is, there is nothing that everyone agrees with, and some of the criteria are downright faulty, as my next point explains.
Unless I am mistaken, MVP awards are meant to be awards for individual success. Playing the season is how teams get rewarded, but there is no built-in scale for measuring individual success because the major sports are all team sports. Therefore, to recognize individual achievement, a system of awards was designed, the most prestigious of which is the MVP award. However, these awards are inevitably tied into team success because how many wins a team achieves is supposedly one of the criteria for being an MVP. To that I say, “Horseradish!” The best individual player in a particular season may or may not be on a very successful team. These two things need to be separated. For example, by most accounts, Barry Sanders was the best player of his generation in the NFL, but he won only 1 MVP award, and he needed to gain over 2,000 yards in 1997 to do so. Meanwhile, Brett Favre was racking up MVP awards as his Packers had more success than the Lions. It’s not Barry’s fault that Scott Mitchell played quarterback on his team, yet this was held against him each year in the MVP voting.
So how am I going to solve this little quandary? To eliminate the team aspect, the confusion, and to provide a little more objectivity, I propose not one award, but several. As hard as it is to compare two guys like Peyton Manning and Tom Brady, it is near impossible to compare Brian Urlacher to Carson Palmer. Therefore, the new gold standard for NFL individual recognition, as of now, is the Dan Clarin All-NFL Award. This year’s team would look something like this, as of now:
QB – Peyton Manning; RB – Shaun Alexander; WR – Chad Johnson; OL – Walter Jones
DL – Alex Brown; LB – Brian Urlacher; DB – Deltha O’Neal
For the NBA, it would likewise be the Dan Clarin All-NBA Award, and would include a guard, forward, and center. For Major League Baseball, well, they have too many damn awards already. I would probably just get rid of the MVP award completely since pretty much everyone except the groundskeeper is already getting some kind of award.
This should solve most of the MVP problems. The pundits still have something to argue about, but the confusion is reduced and a player can win an award without being on the Super Bowl Champion team. Thank you for your time and I will try to return to more lighthearted material in the near future.
posted 2:11 pm on 12/19/05 by Dan Clarin
Some thoughts on sports and other events of the weekend:
1. If there is any drawback to your team winning a World Series or other kind of title, it has to do with the availability and price of tickets for the following season. There were numerous times this season where the White Sox had a hard time filling 2/3 of the stadium at very reasonable prices. Now, all of a sudden, the now higher-priced tickets (due to the obligatory championship price jack) are rarer than an easily understandable Ozzie Guillen sentence. It’s a bad sign when you are having trouble finding decent seats in December. Oh well, I guess I can take solace in the fact that it has been zero years since they won the World Series.
2. One of the most common questions around this time of year is: Have you gotten all your Christmas shopping done? First of all, the person doesn’t really care. It’s just something people ask to pretend they care, much like in school when someone would ask “Did you do the reading for this class?” or “Are you ‘going out’ tonight?” or “What did you do this weekend?” Second, I love when people get somewhat pissed when I say that I have all my shopping done. No, I didn’t physically go to stores. It’s much too cold for those sorts of shenanigans. The internet is readily available and quite reliable. I highly recommend it. The other thing about getting Christmas gifts is that people make it too complicated. Everyone you are buying for has a genre of gifts where if you get something from that category, they will be pleased with the gift. For instance, my dad likes golf. My mom likes musicals. Done, and done. For me, anything related to food, sports DVD’s, or the ability to buy clothes (gift cards) works. So, my advice is keep it simple.
3. After watching a weekend of pro football games, almost every announcer has an issue with trying to make every event on the field seem like the most earth shattering occurrence since their child was born. I don’t know if I would call it overuse of hyperbole or just getting carried away with superlatives, but something can be good or even great without being the greatest in history. It’s just a football play and they are just human football players. I must have seen 34 greatest hits of all time, 16 greatest catches, and a few all-time throws too. The worst offenders are the Sunday Night ESPN announcers. If I had listened to and believed everything I heard in last night’s game, I would have thought the next reasonable step for the Bears defense would be going back in time and halting the German blitzkrieg of Poland with nothing more than common house tools. They are THAT GOOD!!!!! I mean, they are good, but come on.
4. Speaking of that game, I am now somewhat convinced that Michael Vick will not win a Super Bowl unless his team gets home-field advantage in the playoffs or global warming picks up its pace quite a bit. About 10 minutes into that game, it was easy to tell that his only ambition was to keep warm. And this was a game that Atlanta basically had to win (Mike Patrick and the gang also told us that about 83 times to make sure we understood the magnitude of this life-altering football contest). Granted, it was really cold, but on the other side Rex Grossman seemed to be throwing it around just fine even after sitting out the first half. And, speaking of Rex, that is the first time I have been excited to see the Bears offense trot onto the field all season. I have no intention of throwing Orton under the bus. What he did is incredible. Guiding a team to a 9-4 record as a rookie starter is not easy to do, no matter how good your defense is. Orton and Ron Turner deserve a lot of credit. Yet, Grossman brings a different dynamic to the field. He is accurate and can make the throws necessary to have success down the field and further open up the running game. If Grossman can fulfill his potential/get up to speed in the next couple weeks, this could actually be a dangerous Bears team in the playoffs, something I would not have said prior to last night. Granted, that is a big IF, but this is a team that plays suffocating defense (#1 in points allowed at under 11 ppg) and already ran the ball well with no semblance of a passing game. I am not punching the ticket for Detroit yet, but they certainly seem to have as good a chance as anyone.
Random thing I thought about today: Nintendo’s original Ice Hockey game where you played as different countries and had to choose 4 players from the options of: fat, medium, and skinny.
posted 4:21 pm on 12/15/05 by Dan Clarin
The Good and Bad of the Year 2005 AD
Sporting event
Really, Really Good – Game 2, World Series
With the Sox trailing 4-2 after another solid postseason outing by Andy Pettitte, Paul Konerko electrified the South Side with a grand slam to take the lead. The Astros fought back and tied the game, but Scott Podsednik broke Astros hearts again with a most unlikely game winner off Brad Lidge.
Bad – USC 34, Notre Dame 31
A great game, no doubt. However, if the Irish were just able to stop a 4th and 8 in the waning moments, the USC dynasty would have crumbled in South Bend on that magical fall afternoon, and I would have been a lot happier for it.
Sports occurrence
Life-changing – White Sox win World Series
No, I still can’t believe it happened.
Bad – Luol Deng and Eddy Curry get hurt down the stretch
This could have been a dangerous Bulls team in the playoffs, but instead their injury depleted lineup featuring Lawrence Funderburke was unable to get past Washington in the first round.
Pro athlete
Beast – Dwyane Wade/LeBron James
I think the NBA is in good hands for the foreseeable future.
Joke – Latrell Spreewell
When you are sitting at home while a season of your sport is being played, it’s a pretty good indication that your salary demands are a little bit more than teams are willing to pay.
College athlete
Stud – Reggie Bush
Only the best college football player I have seen in my time watching the sport.
Clown – Randolph Morris
The lesson as always: if you suck, don’t try to leave school early.
Team
Champs – Chicago White Sox
Proving the old adage that pitching and defense win championships, the White Sox played an exciting style of baseball all year culminating in a World Series sweep. They overcame serious adversity that saw their lead shrink to 1.5 games in late September, but came back to post an 11-1 record in postseason play with the only blemish being a one run loss to the Angels in the ALCS.
Chumps – St. Louis Cardinals
For the second year in a row, the Cardinals posted the best regular season record in baseball and failed to win even one World Series game. This year they didn’t even represent the senior circuit in the Fall Classic, falling in six games to the Astros in the NLCS. But hey, at least they were the “best team in baseball” all year.
Food experience
Delectable – Chipotle Burritos
Nothing consistently satisfies like a steak burrito with black beans from Chipotle. I could have named some gourmet meal that I had at some snazzy restaurant, but honestly, nothing is more culinarily pleasing than knowing I am going to be happy with my lunch selection every Monday.
Runner-up – Mrs. Freshley’s Cream Filled Chocolate Cupcakes. These are to Hostess Cupcakes what a bacon-wrapped filet mignon is to flank steak.
Bad – Ha. Ha.
Some other favorites and non-favorites in categories which I have no expertise in, just for fun:
Movie
Good - Wedding Crashers
Song
Favorites - Smile Like You Mean It – The Killers; Legendary – Lou Barlow; High – James Blunt
Celebrity occurrence
Good – Tom Cruise going insane. Everybody seemed to have fun with this.
Bad – Every hot actress deciding to weigh 83 lbs dripping wet.
TV show
Good – The Office
Bad – CBS Movie Event, “Category 7: The End of the World"
In other news, people and things that have fallen off the face of the earth in recent times:
Dave Chappelle
Lindsay Lohan’s curves
John Kerry
William Hung (This guy was famous?)
Puddle of Mudd
Eamon
Marcy Playground
Shaun Micheel
Edwin McCain
The Wallflowers
Evanescence
posted 11:21 am on 12/14/05 by Dan Clarin
59 cent Cheeseburger Day
Every couple months or so, the Chicago-area McDonald’s restaurants have a promotion they like to throw at customers on an unassuming Wednesday. They go old-school back to about 1994 and sell hamburgers for 49 cents and cheeseburgers for 59 cents. This is a marked discount from their normal 2005 prices, although I am not sure how great of a deal it really is. Nevertheless, it feels like a really great deal, and has become a holiday of sorts for me. When presented with this rare opportunity, I order the maximum allowable number of 5 cheeseburgers. Some would say this is gluttonous or greedy, but it is well within my legal rights, so to me, the only apt description is delicious. Now, this consumption of 5 McDonald’s burgers comes on the heels of the recent news that Burger King has introduced a Triple Whopper in association with their “King Kong” movie promotion. (By the way, is there any better promotional team than fast food burgers and the movie King Kong? If there is, enlighten me.) Anyway, this got me to thinking about the idea of selling and consuming absurd portions of fast food. While people around the world have been focused on the idea of health, salads, dieting, Atkins, weight-loss, and other in-the-box thinking, American fast-food chains have dared to dream a little bit. Why can’t we put another delicious beef patty on the Double Whopper? Why have just a sausage and egg biscuit when you can have an Enormous Omelet Sandwich? And who needs a regular thickburger when you can get the Monster Thickburger with 2/3 lb of angus beef, two slices of cheese, and 4 savory strips of bacon? When convention said we have to eat 1/4 hamburgers and breakfast sandwiches on undersized biscuits, these brave souls said, “Why can’t we make them much, much bigger?” This, my friends, is the American dream. Don’t get me wrong. I am no longer an active competitive eater, and I am not suggesting you should eat these items every day. Yet, every once in a while, when presented with the option of a plain chicken sandwich vs. a 1420 calorie burger, try to appreciate the innovation that went into giving you this American freedom, and let that be your guide.
posted 1:21 pm on 12/12/05 by Dan Clarin
Scottie Pippen All-Sidekick Team
Friday night at the United Center, in addition to a basketball game between the Chicago Bulls and the Los Angeles Kobes, one of the fifty greatest players in NBA history had his jersey retired. Scottie Pippen was my favorite player growing up, so despite it making me feel old to see him having his number retired, it was a great Chicago sports moment. Instead of talking about his greatness and why the skinny guy from Central Arkansas is easily one of the best ever, I am going to pay homage to him in another way. Despite his all-around ability, he made a name for himself mostly as Michael Jordan’s right hand man. Without further ado, here is a list of some of my favorite sidekicks of all time.
Donnell Rawlings, Chappelle’s Show – A great complement to Dave Chappelle’s genius and Charlie Murphy’s stories, Donnell has thrived with such classic characters as Ashy Larry, Faze 2, and the guy who bought the cigarette truck after reparations were paid out.
French Fries – Need something to go with a burger, a sandwich, a sausage product, or a steak? Look no further than the classic companion to these all-American items.
Canada – Despite the hockey obsession, the French-Canadian region, and the cold weather, you could certainly do worse than having Canada as a neighbor. For instance, you could be sharing an island with Haiti.
Dwight Schrute, The Office – Dwight is a huge kiss-ass and is constantly trying to wield what little power he has as Assistant to the Regional Manager. He has done such great things as bring an abdominal workout ball to work, wear an elf costume, and show up late on Friday because he thought it was Saturday.
James Worthy – A Hall of Famer who never was “the man” in college or the NBA, but played on some great teams, and on a smaller scale than Pippen, was a main reason for their successes.
Michael Bolton, Office Space – “There was nothing wrong with my name... until I was about 12 years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys.”
Balky, Perfect Strangers – I don’t have much of a memory of him besides his awesome name, his eastern European origins, and his dance, but that is enough to make it onto this list.
Bowl of Soup – It comes in many great types and flavors, and is a great complement to any entrée. My favorite is lobster or crab bisque, although New England clam chowder is a good option when you aren’t at a seafood restaurant.
George Costanza, Seinfeld – What hasn’t George done? He’s assistant to the traveling secretary for the Yankees, he pretends a picture of an attractive woman is his deceased fiancé, and he’s short, fat, and bald. In other words, he’s the whole package and one of the greatest characters in TV history.
Luigi – “Super” Mario gets all the credit, but did Mario have any real tangible benefits over Luigi? Luigi was taller, had a better name, and wore awesome green overalls.
Beavis – You can argue about who the lead man and who the sidekick is between Beavis and Butthead, but you can’t argue that Butthead is the brains of the operation. Without Butthead, Beavis would not be put into the situations to provide his shenanigans. Plus, when they do the Late Show, Butthead plays the role of Letterman and throws a pencil into Beavis’s eye.
Fort Worth – Dallas gets all the pub and its neighbor to the west is often forgotten, but I think there is a good reason for that. It sucks.
Guys, feel free to add to this incomplete list if anything comes to mind.
Also, quickly, here is my USA men’s basketball roster of 12.
Starters
Dwyane Wade, Kobe Bryant, LeBron James, Kevin Garnett, Amare Stoudemire
Bench
Ray Allen, Kirk Hinrich, Shawn Marion, Dwight Howard, Rashard Lewis, Tim Duncan, Tracy McGrady
posted 2:00 PM on 12/8/05 by Dan Clarin
Jeff, while I no doubt respect your amazement that Heidi Klum chose Seal as her lifelong companion, I don’t know that I can share it totally. Would I be less surprised if Heidi Klum was married to someone like Clive Owen, Jude Law, or David Beckham? Yes, I suppose so. However, here are the reasons I am not completely shocked Heidi Klum is married to Seal.
- His name is Seal, and this doesn’t faze anyone. If tomorrow I started telling people my name was Puma or Eagle or something ridiculous like that, not one person on this earth would take me seriously. However, this guy is named after a marine mammal, and not only do people not question it, they seem to associate a certain mystique with it.
- He has a bizarre, exotic accent. Have you ever met a girl that said, “My favorite dialect is Midwestern American.”? Having a crazy accent moves you up at least one peg on the totem pole.
- He plays sensitive, passionate music. One point here for being a famous musician, and another point for playing songs that chicks love. I think he only has two songs, but one of them got him into “Batman” and the other one got him on an “Intel” commercial sitting on some lady’s lap. Despite only two at bats, you can’t hit better than 1.000.
- Perhaps the most compelling reason why I am not surprised Heidi married Seal is that this is her ex-husband:
Yeah, and he’s a hairstylist. I don’t know if this says more about Seal or Heidi Klum, but I think we can say with some certainty that even a man with scars on his face is an upgrade from this clown.
In other news, I ate 4 donuts today from Dunkin Donuts. Needless to say, they were good.