According to the BBC, it was a bad month in Irak for US troops. With the Arabs on the march blowing up bridges, firing with impunity on the Quisling parliament and kidnapping US soldiers for ritual execution, General Petraes maintained his position that he is making slow but incremental though unnoticeable progress toward his goal of co-opting Arab moderates into the Quisling state and dealing harshly with the others.

General Mixon now safely retired explained that Petraes has not nearly enough troops to enforce a declared state of occupation. This seems to be the general consensus among senior military personnel who turned down President Bush's offer for appointment to the newly created post of War Czar. The position was finally accepted by Lieutenant General Gonzolez, who is junior in grade to Four Star General Petraes.

Senior officers also criticized the use of US National Guard and Reserve troops in the combat zone. "They have scant training, poor discipline and run off whenever they're told to do something," according to one highly placed source.

Another saw the appointment of a Greek and a Spaniard in the two top positions as a signal that the military has withdrawn its leadership from the war effort.

To make up for gaps in the ranks, the US has also been deploying sailors and airmen as ground troops. The former are called sand box seamen; the latter clipped wings.

The basic problem the US has in Irak is the lack of sufficient infantry. With few new enlistments, the situation has become perilously close to the Germans on the Eastern Front in 1944 during World War II when to make up for lack of infantry the Hun started to use Kreigsmarine and Luftwaffe personnel as substitutes.

US Congress after some heming and hawing typical of The Houses of Noise voted another 102 B toward the war effort.

Prince Harry however will not be amongst the 28 000 replacement trrops President Bush has rushed to Irak to shore up the US's attempt at occupation. The British military deemed the situation too volitile and the risk too great. Prince Harry is said to be officially disappointed.

Our favourite Anglo-phile Dr Pat Patrick MD commented, the military is not the property of the monarchy as it may have been in mideaval times.

Yet inspite of the problems in Irak, the determination of the enemy, the lack of sufficient US infantry, and the inutility of the technological advantage in close quarters fighting, merry lunacy goes on as many Pentacostal Christians expect Christ any day to summon them to the rapture and to return to lead the Army of the Good.

Meanwhile inside the US with storm clouds gathering in the economic sphere, car carriers have been noted scouring suburban streets repossessing vehicles. A local commentator noted that the over-extended US public cannot afford the spiked gas prices and the payments on the vehicles.

Foreign doctors were arrested on Long Island for violating the Peonage Act by having kept household servant in slavery. The matter was reported by neighbours who noticed the servants barefoot in the St Patrick's Day snow and ice storm. The problem with permitting these people here is that they bring their customs with them, not all of which are consistant with a higher state of civilisation.

No month would be complete without a statement from our beloved Leader Mr Bush. At an official state dinner, President Bush thanked Queen Elizabeth for the help the British gave in celebrating American independence in 1776. A horrified Queen had to explain to the President that while some British MPs supported the concept of a semi-independent America under the same King, the British Crown waged eight full years of war to prevent the formation of a rival English speaking nation.

The President had thought the US Army fought off Space aliens on that occasion.

In the midst of tragedy there is humour. Unable to find potential Arab terrorists, the FBI has sought to enforce The Stolen Valour Law against veterans who over-glorify their deeds in the service. The effect according to the Chairman on the FBI task force is to cut down on bar room talk and on impressing the ladies.

Michael Levy, HA Andrews, Geoff Jackson, Awesome David Lawrence,Dr. Charles Frederickson, Dr James Davies, DF (Mentorial), Bob Djurdjevic, Gregory D. Geiss, Esq., sail with The Tides

Mary Chandler, Gregory D. Geiss, Esq., Habib Zanzana, Peter Vetrano, jerry vilhotti, Dr. Charles Frederickson, Awesome David Lawrence, STEVE PRESLEY, Don Maurer face the cascades in Swells