"Spare me that classic Midwest education," the Clown quickly answered. "A quote from that wordsmith`s actress lawyer would`ve been more appropriate from a grad-u-ate of a big time law school. Something which you never let the rest of us forget."

"How green is your valley," she haughtily replied. To herself: "He actually read that classic let alone understood it. Amazing!"

"You guys stole from our deck. Played the liberal card with that weak affirmative action schtick," he smugly continued. "Moreover your quote plays to type," he proudly proclaimed.

"Ever since you outlasted that inane ninny from that pathetic, bargain basement radio program, you`ve become a head case blithely ignoring your lame career as a humorist," she countered. "Political analyst indeed! Where`s your oafish fellow traveler? Late as usual."

Richard and Sabina: A Biography of the Rev. Richard Wurmbrand and His Wife Sabina

"We`re not fellow travelers. We`re democrats * * *"

"Moving closer and closer to unrestrained socialists," she finished. "Ask not what you can do for your country, but what your country can do for you."

"He didn`t say that," Clown said.

"It`s more accurate that way," Witch rebutted. "You people are still hanging on golden boy`s shirt tail. Ich bin ein Berliner. Ich bin ein Ehebrecher is more likely. An adulterer to you. Sneaking a sex symbol into the Nation`s Capital."

"Anyway. My compadre`s probably scarfing down some Krispy Kreme Doughnuts."

As an after thought. "At least he`s on the correct side of the aisle."

After the Madness

"The way he`s going, he`ll fill the aisle."

Just then Polecat lumbered in his mouth full of doughnuts. The Clown gave Witch a condescending smile. If they could even abide one another for a moment, his prescience would`ve deserved a high-five.

"Where`s the cheese dip, brats and brewskies?" Polecat anxiously asked looking frantically around the room.

"You mean the hors d`oeuvres, tea sandwiches, and light Chardonnay," Witch brightly responded. "Working on your trans fats are you?" she innocently queried.

"Don`t turn sideways or you`ll disappear. You give anorexia a bad name," Polecat answered. With jelly and sugar smeared over his face and signature plebeian wardrobe, he filled the air with crumbs spewing forth like volcanic ash. Clown and Witch barely escaped the deadly outfall which unfortunately didn`t spare the buffet. Even Clown lost his appetite after the aerosols settled.

"Salmonella city for sure. We`ll have to get those disease guys from Atlanta to hose this place down," Clown thought to himself. Witch just crossed herself.

"I switched from Krispy Kremes to Dunkin Doughnuts," Polecat seriously intoned. "Ever since we demonstrated about trans fats Dunkin Doughnuts promised to look into it."

"A truly worthy cause to be sure," Witch sincerely asserted.

Polecat continued: "I lost track of time downloading some hot stuff to a former president to use the next time he hammers the warrior president. You gotta hand it to a former POTUS dissing a standing one. Used to be a no-no." Polecat proceeded to lick his chops clean with a coarse tongue longer and thicker than a Komodo Dragon`s. The Witch turned away blanching at this ghastly sight while Clown enjoyed her discomfort.

Staying On (The Raj Quartet, Epilogue)

"Oh yeah! You shared a presidential booth with him at the Democratic Convention," Clown admiringly offered.

Hurling a cheap shot Witch said: "The way I heard it people were more concerned when the luxury box would collapse crushing the former president."

Ignoring her snotty remark Polecat offered: "For some time I`ve been feeding him material to spice up his presentations. He`s a good man and all, but a little too dull and sanctimonious."

"This is the president who told us more about his libido than we ever wanted to know. Lusting in his heart for some women. The same guy who dropped the soap with Iran over our hostages and you guys are sucking up to him," Witch indignantly commented.

"Don`t try to be one of the boys. It doesn`t become you," Clown happily asserted.

"Then again * * *"

"Hey! He was eventually awarded the Nobel Peace Prize," Polecat proudly affirmed playing to Clown. "Something your side will never see." Clown beamed approvingly at Polecat.

"This liberal love fest is getting kind of warm and sticky and deep. Let`s get down to business. I wouldn`t be meeting with you, unless I had something important to discuss. * * * Our books are loosing sales. The only thing keeping them afloat is our rabid, acrimonious, and slanderous attacks towards one another. No one really cares about our positions except for mine or what we say except for me. However, they groove on what we say about one another. I don`t know about you, but I want to continue making more money before I have to get a real job. Now! I`ve kept up my end," she temporarily finished.

"You sure have," Clown hastened to say before Witch got started again. "Let`s see from one of your hackneyed books. Anyone will do. They all smell and sound the same. We don`t have to search very far for some of your informed, rational statements."

China, Inc.: How the Rise of the Next Superpower Challenges America and the World

"If the death penalty doesn`t deter murder, how come [Polecat] is still alive and I`m not on death row."

"Kind of tough on old Polecat here," Clown continued watching Polecat desperately searching for a Twinkie in his pockets.

["So in so] might have been the Democratic Presidential Candidate if he hadn`t been endorsed by [Polecat."] "Kiss of death my man," Clown commiserated. "She really dissed you there." With that Polecat stopped looking for a Snickers bar starting to pay attention.

"If you want something that complicates a belief in God, try coming to terms with [Polecat] being one of God`s creatures." "That one wasn`t so bad. We know you`re speshul," Clown magnanimously conceded clearly enjoying his Liberal compadre`s disparagement.

"Polecat here`s one of my favorite Witch`s quotes about you," Clown continued. ["Polecat`s] essence is consistent with the flatulent raccoon theory for the origin of life."

"Come on Polecat. Lighten up. That`s funny. Got to give it her."

"If I didn`t know you were a card carrying Liberal, I`d say you were siding with her at my expense," Polecat firmly stated having temporarily allayed his carbohydrate craving. "In regards to her knowledgeable position on evil-lu-shun as she contends, this is what she had to say about you," pointing to Clown.

"No one disputes that a monkey looks like a human, especially in the case of [Clown."] "How does that grab you?" Polecat challenged Clown. Clown didn`t like Witch`s quote or Polecat`s response. Moreover, Witch couldn`t restrain herself from adding: "A newspaper review of your so called documentary film dismissed it as a combination of class clown and fact-happy debate club president. Professional Analyst? Sure. Not quite up to Polecat`s trophy winner," she emphasized. "I really liked when they said: "The movie veers uncomfortably into hagiography."

Clown and Polecat covertly glanced at one another, hesitating to say anything lest they revealed their ignorance of the word hagiography. Witch intuitively sensing their trepidation went for their throats pouncing like a mongoose on a snake.

"Don`t sweat it boys. I`ll take the pledge. I`ll never tell. (Read: You are dead in the water as soon as I can get it on my blog.) Your Liberal fans will never hear you didn`t know hagiography deals with idealizing its subject matter. In this case Clown`s film." Polecat quietly enjoyed Clown`s displeasure at this turn of events after having showed no sensitivity to his.

Special Providence: American Foreign Policy and How It Changed the World

But Witch wasn`t quite through yet. Addressing Clown: "You can bet people have a little trouble with your fair and balanced account of the Right. It must be a badge of courage to be sued by the news media for appropriating their logo. Well you boys get the idea. We need more of these attacks in our books."

"More?` Clown and Polecat chorused. The former yielded to the latter. "You`re way too modest about the impression you`ve made." Pointing to Clown. "In his book let me count the ways:

"What she writes is political pornography." "Heavy stuff. Good line. Couldn`t have done better myself." Clown beamed at Polecat`s praise. "You`er worse than that German propagandist for that close-eyed, pin head with a schnurbart. You`ve provided the Rosetta Stone for hyperbole, inaccuracies, disinformation, incomplete statements, comments out of context, and lies."

Turning to Clown Witch angrily responded: "You`ve got a nerve enjoying this. You wrote a book about so called lies. Talk about blowing smoke."

Polecat continued with quotes from Clown: "We have a bet in the newsroom about what exactly is wrong with [Witch."] "You can`t imagine how concerned, convincing and creative these people are about your medical profile. You really need help."

Here`s another one: "No matter what [Witch] may say 9/11 is no joking matter." "What a great epitaph that would make."

"9/11 was no joking matter." "You should be so proud."

["Witch] has never married, and has the personality of a dominatrix." "We`re sure about the first part and have no doubt about the second. Still, better check her for some tell-tell chromosome counts and put her through standard football steroid testing," Clown eagerly added.

"Oh here`s a good one." "It`s not quite as bad as calling someone a "traitor as [Witch) does in her new book * * *, but it`s serious."

"That`s about enough from both of you," Witch angrily snapped. "You`re not even clever. Reduced to name calling demonstrating your intellectual bankruptcy." Turning sharply to Polecat: "And you. Here`s one of your gems." "The Iraqi`s who have risen up against the occupation are not "insurgents" or "terrorists" or the "enemy." They are the revolution, the

Minutemen, and numbers will grow � they will win." "Brave words Blimpo. Lay this on the next VA hospital you visit."

Siege: A Novel of the Eastern Front 1942

"I`ve tried to provide a legitimate incentive for our search for more money, but you people are over the top. You`ll hear from me in my next book." With that she swept all the food into a waste bag before Polecat could short stop her and stormed out of the room.

"Where`s she going in such a hurry? Polecat asked.

"She`s late for a best two out of three screaming match with some war widows."

"How bout you?"

I`m heading out to the local chapter of Sons of the Desert to discuss validation of extensive reparations for Iraq. I hear they have a great dessert bar."

"And you?

"Working up some material for a radio broadcast. She didn`t ask whether our meeting was being recorded. Hope I got some of her tirades. I could never come up with such funny stuff myself."

Would you entrust the Nation to anyone of these characters?

~ Craig Raymond Arthur Puce (Don Maurer)

Thank you for your speedy reply to my submission query. Accordingly, enclosed please find "The Chronicles of Character Assassination: The Clown, the Witch, and the Polecat" (1793 words) submitted for review to be considered for publication in RPPS/Fullosia Press. If anyone merits satiric attention, Franken, Moore, and Coulter do.

Cordially, Craig Raymond Arthur Puce (Don Maurer)

Contact Craig Raymond Arthur Puce (Don Maurer) for further information.