The Things I Have Learned
About Grief
After the Death of My Child

  • Grief is not an event, it is a process. It does not have a distinct finish line. It takes each person a different amount of time to do their grief work�each person�s journey is as unique as their fingerprints.

  • Grief is unique for each person because of the relationship they had with the child who has died. That relationship was also unique. It is different for a father, different for a mother, different for a surviving sibling.

  • Your grief journey will be guided by many things besides the relationship you had with the child who died. It will be influenced by your past life experiences (including previous losses); your religious beliefs, your socio-economic status, your physical health, the availability of a support network, and, in many cases, the cause of the death itself.

  • People want you to be �over it� way sooner than you can ever imagine that as a remote possibility. They don�t seem to understand that this is not the flu and we don�t get �over it�, we learn to integrate it into the fabric of our lives. People want us to be back to our �old selves again� but what they don�t realize is that we will never be the same people we were before our child died. One of our tasks as we make our grief journey is to redefine who we are in this new reality that we did not choose.

  • Grief is not a predictable journey and sometimes feels as though we are on a roller coaster. One day we may feel somewhat stronger and feel we are making progress, the next day we may crash and burn. Grief is sometimes like winding a ball of yarn � you wind and wind on it and sometimes drop it and it unravels before you�then it is time to start winding it up again. Grief can be like that. It is unrealistic to think that things will be �normal� again because they won�t be the �normal� we have always known. It will be part of our job to define our �new normal��an existence without that child�s physical presence.

  • It is important to remember that as we grieve, we must also mourn the death of our child. The two words are usually used interchangeably, but they mean different things. Grief is on the inside�what we are feeling inside. Mourning is �grief gone public��in other words how we express our grief outside of ourselves.

  • We have a great need to tell and retell our story far longer than many people are willing to listen to us. We need to find safe places to tell our story and continue to talk about our child. This is probably one of the greatest values of a TCF Chapter. Being part of a TCF Chapter also helps to validate what we are feeling and helps to make us feel less alone.

  • Pain is part of the grief process and cannot be ignored or �gotten around� if we are to heal. You must integrate and process the pain to get to the other side of it � to the place where healing can start taking place. There is a Buddhist saying� �In order to heal, you have to lean into the pain.� While grief and pain are inevitable in most people�s lives, misery is optional. I am sure you have heard the expression �we cannot change the wind, only the direction of our sails.�

  • Remember that letting go of the pain does not mean letting go of the love you had for your child. That love will remain with you always.
  • I think at some point each of us must make a conscious decision to heal. We must decide whether or not we want to become bitter or better. I believe each of us has the tools within us to heal, but we must listen to our inner voice to tell us how to proceed.

  • Everyone seems to have an explanation for why this happened to you. It is a characteristic of our society that we want to be problem solvers, so people often feel they have to provide us with some kind of explanation. I haven�t met a bereaved parent yet who felt there was a reasonable and acceptable explanation for why their child had to die.

  • I think we need to be selfish as we grieve. By this I mean we must be good to ourselves, be patient with ourselves, look to what we need to do to move forward. Sometimes we get so busy caring for and nurturing others, we neglect to nurture ourselves.

  • We need to be open to the help others can provide. This is not a journey we need to make alone. Let people help you. Ask for help when you need it. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but an acknowledgement that you want to heal.

    ---Susan Chan, Rachael�s Mom, Topeka, KS

    Remember, We Need Not Walk Alone
    We Are The Compassionate Friends

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