8 A.M. classes = legalized torture
General Psychology = naptime See also: 80 Dots
"My printer isn't working." = "I was too lazy to do the damned paper." See also: "My disk got lost" and "My computer crashed."
"Refer to your syllabus if you have any questions." = "I don't even remember what rules I set up for this class, there were so damn many of them."
"We should wait ten minutes for the teacher to show up before we leave" = "Hurry up, set the clock forward!"
"You need to buy this book for my class" = "We'll never actually use this book, in fact won't even open it, but I get a commission for every book that the store sells to my students."
Hunziker Hall = Adjunct Music Building
Regarding the 'Food':
"Can I have a cheeseburger, ketchup only?" = "Chicken?" See also: "No pickles, please." = "Pickles?"
Captain Crunch = a college student's personal savior and god
Chocolate frozen yogurt = "We really have no idea WHAT flavor this is...you tell us."
Cookie from Wayne Hall = deadly weapon, illegal in 42 states
Hawaiian Blue = 1. Smurf Piss 2. flavorful Windex
Extra protein = all those yummy crunchy bugs in the salad dressing
Lunch = breakfast
Dinner = Early Bird Special
Breakfast = pre-class coffee
Regarding Campus Life:
"The Student Center is open 24 hours a day" = "The Student Center is open 24 hours a day, on alternate Tuesdays, in February, during the leap year, under the full moon, if we feel like it."
Sleep = nonexistent. See also: 'real food' and 'free time'
Shuttle Schedule = a blatant lie
Student mailboxes = that deep void that bats occasionally fly out of if anyone actually OPENS their mailbox.
"We have caring medical staff on duty" = When you walk in with your entrails around your ankles, they will tell you, "Please fill out the form and take a seat" and "I'm sorry, we no longer give out notes, even though you dragged your poor, disease ridden carcass five miles across campus." (Note: only applicable during office hours.)
Quiet Hours = Designated Obnoxious Hallway Time
Personal Stereo = Window PA system
Light Fixture = Home Epilepsy Test
Regarding the Students:
"Can I hand it in tomorrow?" = "Holy shit, there was a paper due?"
"I want some real food." = "Where’s the menu from Brother Bruno's Pizza?"
"I have to study for finals" = "I have to think about everything I have to do until I get so exhausted I fall asleep."
"We've really got to clean this room" = "Spray some air-freshener, throw that 40-foot pile of clothes in the closet, and pray no one opens it."
College freshmen = High school freshmen
(Written by Jennifer Sinclair, her colleague Satan's Little Helper, and a hardworking staff of 47 and a half dust-bunnies).