gay ghosts are the worst --John
Skip the sex, I want dinner! --Jess
stop thinking about the sex lives of white boards. --Jen
that antenna has a cactus with a sombrero on it. --Jess
don't rationalize my muppets, dammit --Jess
If I were rich and crazy, I'd buy a house on a highway exit, then I would have a lot of children, and see which ones survived. --Eric
Eggs suck. They aren't round, but they aren't oval either. Pisses me off. --Randy
Guilt doesn't work on the british. --Lanora
I feel like I'm being raped by letters. --Lanora
i gotta dress up as a bunny rabbit n hand out free italian ice --Amanda
testosterone is good for the soul--Jen
i think it's a common sentiment shared among most people. "Say no to vomit" -Larry
You have manicotti above your head --Shalon
AAAHHH That was my spleen! --Becky
adjectives make the world go round --Becky
I'd rather drive a dildo --Eric
it's my penguin house now! ---John
... and the poor jewish boy reached deep down and yelled out, "let there be sound!" and there was...---Allan
There's a sticker on the inside of my pants that says 'Inspector 45' ---Jess
Developing paper is made out of trees going through puberty." �Allan
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
oh yeah. cause the gynecologist is fun at any hour.---Jess
Don't you want a TV on your nose? ---Jess
I'm not here. I'm a fuzzy turtle! ---Eric
We could liposuction the fat from my ass and give you new boobs. ---Eric
That's not true, I've never written with a monkey! ---Jess
Where did all of my Cheetahs go� ---Jess
Dancing CHICKENS!!! ---Becky
I had amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. ---JJ
100% loogey. ---Randy
If I have to show one more person my nun costume, I�m gonna convert, I swear it! ---Lanora
I'm gonna stick the American flag back in my shoe --Allan
We can always go back to the cricket with the flamethrower. ---Jen
why don't you suck on a cock and write me some sonnets Shakespeare!---Eric
Jen: How many cooties does it take to kill someone?
Eric: Just one, that's why you use protection.
If god were a chicken. --Eric
No making babies in the hallway. --Random Chick
Are you two sharing a uterus? --Allan
I don't want a Mexican. --Jen
"If you find rice on the floor in the bathroom don't mind it, it was in my cleavage." --Jess
My boyfriend ate my midterm. --Jen
I'll just neuter myself and become a monk. --Allan
So castrate me and call me a goddess. --Allan
Why is there no dinner coming out of my phone� --Jen
My clothes were stolen by gnomes. --Jess
I don't have a lover to poison --William
BRB. I'm going to make out with myself. --Allan
I'm willing to look at other guys' penises for you! --Allan
There is chocolate on my crotch! -Allan
I do not have a cash register fettish! -Jen
Mmmm. Kentucky Fried Christian! -Allan
there's a snowman trying to crawl into my lap --Jess
Jen: Look I bought a new sweater!
Jess: It looks like a zip code.
My closet has the answer. --Jen
Memoir sounds like a French STD --Allan
I'm not a perplexic donkey. --Allan
Would you hold my nog? --Larry
Tortoise shells are full- of tortoises! --Rob
attack her with your magic missile -Eric
And for my next trick, I will begin bleeding --Becky
I want a three-headed ostrich --Jen
At least you realize it's a nun, and not a giant Koala --Lanora
I should wear pants to dinner. --Jen
Why are you undressing the penguins� --Jen
it sounds like I'm killing smurfs --Becky
ooohhhhhh... a supply AND DEMAND GRAPH!!!!! *spurt spurt spurt* --Allan
The world is a giant lesbian! -Allan 1/20/03
Our rubber chicken is stuck in the freezer. --John 1/21/03
If I want to date a vegetable I'll marry a squash. --Allan 1/24/03
oh my butt hurts so much --John 1/27/03
why would I put a dead ferret in a sombrero? --Allan 1/28/03
Cows eat my baseballs. --Jess
That person has an ice cream cone full of spaghetti. --Jess, 2/2/03
I'd like a dry-cleaned sheep. --Jess 2/6/02
Your computer is still fucking itself. I think it's pregnant. Maybe it will have a laptop. --Lanora 2/09/03
You're so cute, you look like a burrito. --Allan 3/25/03
I pledge allegiance to my tits --Jess
ok i have a purple monkey on my face gotta wash it off brb --Danielle
jess-so my sister gave me condoms today
jen-you have more contraceptives than any lesbian I know!
Jess-you'd have to count all the contraceptives of ALL the lesbians. Some of them could have condom COLLECTIONS�strung across the wall -with fun tack!
Jen-how many lesbians do you know with condom collections?
Jess-me! 4/22/03
lobster!-- Amy 5/3
I have a Nazi on my shoe.--Allan 5/8
I have an ovulating desk fan. --Jess Aug 23
If egg salad were holding a child hostage, I'd deal with it. -Jim 9/1/03
You have a scum smiley, what more could anyone want?- Jen, 9/10/03
Jen: Freudian slip much?
Fred: I wouldn't if someone wouldn't leave Freudian banana peels lying about. 9/16/03
I was afraid he was going to gouge out my organs with a dull spoon and play ping pong with them. -Jen, 9/17/03
God is harp music wrapped in bacon. --Philosophy class, 9/17
Don't sleep on the turtle. It vibrates. --Jess 9/18
Don't be a bedtime nazi.--Allan, 9/18
"I'm out trick or treating, on the highway, dressed as a deer" -Danielle, 9/24
I'm playing Mary Had a Little Lamb on your face.-- Allan, 9/27
I'm sorry, I've got my pants off; it's hard to hear. --Whose Line
How does a robot get a hard on?-- Jen 10/07
I feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
You should check that out, you may have swallowed a caterpillar. --Jess 10/17
"Say no to midterms. Say yes to drugs."--J.J. 10/23/03
If you make up a word, you lose your larynx--J.J. 10/23/03
"I'm your boyfriend, not your E-mail." Allan, 10/25/03
"YAY! Nerva gave me crabs." -allan 10/27/03
"I don't want to live with a turkey" -Jen 11/19/03
Now the fish is going to taste like telephone. --Jen, 11/20
They were so cute, they were little cyclops tadpole babies. --Lanora, 11/26
Oh no, there's another Cheerio in my shoe. --Jen 11/27
Hannukah's when the Pilgrims show up. --Jen, 12/2
You're a happy fruit cup. --J.J. 12/3
I just had the urge to fling cheese at you. --Jen 12/3
And to think, i was just about to go outside naked --Jon 12/5
We were making out like monkeys at a funeral. --Jon 1/21
Santa Claus never finished law school. --Steve Thompson 1/29
I can teach a monkey to read. --Allan 2/2
There was no gun. There was only pie. And pie is not dangerous. --Jen 2/2
Go-go-gadget penis! --Allan 2/4
"Book is tasty. Dinner is good to read." --Allan 2/16/04
the best thing about winter is that i can keep milk in my car -Jon 2/17/04
It's not that hard. Where's the dolphin? --Jen 2/19
I want to be a Ninja. Because they run really fast, and wear pajamas. And they have swords. And they drink tea. --Lanora 3/5
God must get laid a lot. --Allan 3/17
YOU'RE ALWAYS ASSOCIATING MASTURBATION WITH ANIMALS! --JJ 3/23
I don't care about your sperm. --Jen, 3/26
There are not enough shoes in hell. --Jess 3/27
Je m'appelle your mother. --Jon 3/29
Blame some guy named Frank. --Allan 4/5
I'd rather milk a donkey. --Allan 4/8
I got pasta on my deodorant. I love college. --Jen 4/12
You're not a viking, are you? --JJ 4/14
Damn six year old cannibals. --Danielle 4/24
And then someone is gonna pour milk down my pants. --Jon 4/26
I'd like a vagina mudpuddle of doom. --Jon 4/26
Look into my nipples of the future. --Kevin 3/1
I hope all his grandchildren are midgets. --Lanora 5/3
Ok we can take the condom out of the refrigerator. --Jen 5/7
I always make sex noises at the popcorn. --Jen 5/7
Today's lesson: no matter how bad Wayne Hall food gets, don't eat pocket lint. --Shelly 5/8
I've never seen a turtle on a spatula. --Jen 5/8
A little blue man in a dress? That's fantastic! --Regis Filbin (via Lilo and Stitch)
So the atheist is saying god is a transvestite? --Allan 5/9
There's a pterodactyl humping a fighter jet. --Allan 5/13
"Remember the boy-free days, when you could just take a tree branch to the dance?" --Jen 6/17
Holy shit, it's a monk with a football! --Allan, 7/25
You're leaning on my ham! --Shelly, 8/12
It's the golden sperm award! --Shelly, 8/18
Was she raised by a bunch of Emus? --Allan, 8/24
My sheets are in the microwave. --Jess. 8/31
I would rather have been stuck in an elevator with rabid, hungry monkeys infected with AIDS. --Jen 9/1
It's slower than a constipated sloth. Allan 9/5/04
If your computer breaks, you must make sock puppets. --Jen 9/6
I want a million dollars..or a bagel. -- Jess 9/7/04
Johnny Depp looks like a cross between the Taco Bell dog and a cocaine addict. --Allan 9/8/04
I know telepathic kung fu. I'll make you think you're having your ass whupped. --Jen 9/9
I HATE EMOTION SOCKS! -- Fred 9/9
we are all hairy boys on the inside, and that's what really counts -- JJ 9/10
My bio teacher deserves to be eaten by a lobster. -- Danielle 9/10
Today we tried to decide if condoms bounced in science class. -- Danielle 9/10
Did you just call me a parrot? -- Jen 9/11/04
When I rule the world, the walls will be made of macaroni. --Jen 9/12
I appreciate you not eating my shirt. --Jon 9/14/04
Holy asshairs I'm bored. --JJ 9/18
Remember to bleach your cleavage. --Allan 9/19
I want to live with a peanut. --Jen 9/22
You can't get pregnant from pasta. --Jen 9/22/04
Have you ever seen evil clowns with chainsaws playing basketball? --Jen 10/10/04
Retarded commercials make people look fat. --Jess 10/12/04
Ugly men should not make sex noises about deli meat. --Jen 10/13/04
I find it a bit strange that, before recently, i haven't really eaten much of the meaning of life -Jon
You should. It's yummy. -Jen 10/13/04
Spam and condoms are not interchangable. --Jen 10/13
Oh my gosh! It's Brian Wilson looking like Jesus Christ with a surfboard. -Tara 10/14/04
Dinosaurs were really big! --Allan 10/26
C is for pizza. --Jess 11/3/04
What the fuck is a plussy cat? --Tara 11/4/04
If it were crack, it'd smell like cheese. --Jen 11/12/04
Maybe it ate the hooker. --Jess 11/13/04
Philosophy is tasty. --Jen 11/14
I could make my crotch sing. --Allan 11/16
I was never a lasagna. --Jen 12/3
How does it feel to have baby Jesus in your hair? -Allan 12/6/04
You'd have a better chance of castrating Queen Elizabeth. --Danielle 12/7
I'm going to buy a solar powered donkey. --Jess 12/9/04
Assorted finals-week quotes:
JJ -pleease... adopt me
JennyRose8982: soon, my pet
well, i know finals make ME prance around in fields of flowers. --JJ
i like dead monkeys with crayons --Jon
It's like a walk in the park with genitals for trees. --Chris
"Quoting people is stupid." - me --JJ
fuck you oompa loompa --Allan
Jen: I see
JJ: said the blind man
JJ: oh wait
JJ: oops
Why is my penis on your profile? --JJ
Because it's special? --Jen 12/12/04
It's not a chocoholics dream, it's a retard's dream. --Allan 12/13
Son of a monkey whore! --Tara 12/16
I'm scratching my belly with an italian ice. --Allan
i already use rabbits to wipe my ass clean --JJ
Nobody wants a morose-looking hooker. --Jeff
Crazy yam. --Jen 1/24
Death has a new perfume. --Jess 2/8
My sperm just came out of my mouth. --Heather D 2/10
I feel like I'm been abducted by aliens or touched by Christ. --Lindsay
I never did finish reading your pants. --Jen 3/3
That's a language? I thought it was a cookie! --Jess 3/4
if you sneeze on me, i might kill your whole family --JJ 3/5
Give me a napkin, my lemon had to pee. --JJ 3/13
I'm trying to resurrect a whole universe here, dinner is a trivial matter --Jen 3/21/05
Damn them and the penguins in brazil. --Danielle 3/23
is it necrophilia if a nun is dead? --JJ 3/24/05
Somebody might have put a jockstrap in the oven. --Heather D 4/7/05
Tables should not ooze fluids. --Jen 4/7/05
Having a bad day? Become a hooker. --Jess 4/18
Fairies don't eat pudding. --Amy 4/23/05
Kill a rooster, go to prison! --Jen and Danielle 4/24
There was a verb. The verb monster ate it. --Danielle 4/24
my best friend had your brother's wang in her mouth. --JJ 4/27
The moral of the story is, you are not a whiteboard. --Jen 5/9/05
Oh, were you molested by a manatee too? -- Kitten 5/10/05
Albino chimpanzee -- JJ 5/13
I don't keep pets in my nose. --Jen 5/14/05
I was harassed by a fish at my dentist's office. --Becky 6/11/05
I almost gave myself a concussion with a glass pig. --Danielle 9/25/05
I haven't sniffed a bunny lately. --Jen 9/28
Who knew I would end the day by seeing the penises of five strange men? Thanks. --Jen 10/6/05
What if it were a female lesbian chicken? --Danielle? 10/12
gay people ARE like spider man --Jen 10/26
like a gangsta bunny or something -- JJ 10/27
I desperately wanted to grab bugs bunny by the ears and throw him in the water --Danielle 10/31
Blue glue sticks are low in calories and chock filled with vitamins. Kids tested and mothers approved.........definitely the HEALTHIEST snack for your child --Danielle 11/3/05
i'll wear a wimple for you if you think it will make me look sexy! --Tanya 11/10/05
If you were a fly then a dead monkey would be like gold --Danielle 12/6/05
left handed banjos are expensive --Fred 1/4/06
According to the latest study, fish contains bad things, like belly button lint, old boots, and worst of all, OTHER FISH! --some radio commercial 2/2/06
I can't write with a twizzler. --Jen 4/9/06
There's a hippopotamus in the washing machine. --Jen 11/16/06
On bomb threat day they searched my lunch. apparently i had a very suspicoius looking bologna sandwhich. --danielle 11/2006 (because I forget the date)
i don't call your boyfriend a duck --Lanora 2/21/07
yesterday, I removed a dead squirrel from my attic with the boy I love....you can see why other people's lives seem exciting --Jen, 5/13/07
I'm jealous....I want a plague-infected rat! --Jen again, 5/13
How exactly do you write an elephant letter?
With a ballpoint peanut. -- Jess, Ray, 8/7/08