Grouchy is the evil dwarf with whom I've been having the least problems, I suppose. I've come to terms that he is the one who controls all the little annoyances my computer randomly produces, just because he's in a bad mood. Like when the mouse spontaneously comes unplugged and I have to crawl back into that teeny-tiny fire-hazardous corner behind the computer tower to plug it back in.
Creepy, who I would assume is the most directly connected with Satan himself, makes sure that weird shit happens to my computer that only the work of evil super-natural powers could explain. For instance, the time I got one of those ugly grey (or gray, depending on your vowel preference) Windows messages that said "This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down immediately" and I clicked okay (because it was the only button to click- there wasn't one that said "No! Fuck you!" at the time) and my entire Start Menu and Menu Bar at the bottom of the screen just disappeared. Why didn't the message box just say "Click Me and I will take away your Menu Bar?" Honesty is the best policy, after all. The ENTIRE Menu Bar completely left! So, could I click Shut Down or Restart from the Start Menu and make the problem better? NO! Because there was no Start Menu, Dammit!
So after I unplugged the computer and threw some shoes in a fit of rage, I plugged it back in and got a visit from Moron, dwarf number three. Moron is the one who, after you physically CANNOT shut your computer down the right way because your start menu has vanished, will tell you "Windows was not properly shut down." I swear, if computers could snicker... But anyway. Moron is also the one who decided to tell me, "Keyboard error or no keyboard present, please Press F1 to continue," in case you were wondering.
Bastard is the one who likes to help me fail classes. He will wait until after I have typed exactly half of a fifty-two page paper, and then ensure that a fuse blows. Or sneak onto my desk when I'm not around and steal the floppy. Mostly though, he likes to see to it that I get at least three religious forwards a day to remind me that God loves everyone- except for Feminist, Atheist, Pro-Choice, Sometimes-Vegetarian, Liberalist, Starving Writers like myself.
Asshole finds amusement in my computer much the same way Bastard does, only he's much crueler about it. He's the one who makes sure that all the important websites I need to get to are in size negative fifteen font, just to laugh at me while I struggle to see something that small. And the one who makes my computer randomly go completely black and do nothing every time I leave it on and unattended for more than two hours. He's also the one who thinks it's funny to spell-check creative writing documents and draw ugly little green and red lines underneath every third word or so, and obviously hasn't heard of Poetic License.
Sleazy sends me emails and forwards almost as disturbing as the religious ones. "Hot Teen Blah Blah Blah" and other useless porn mail that I have to waste my precious time deleting day, after day, after day. I hate to break it to the masses, but computers do not turn me on. Why would I want porn in my mailbox? If I wanted porn, I could find my own without stupid people I don't know sending me email. And if I did want porn, I can promise you it wouldn't be of Britney Spears, despite the frequent emails of this nature. Of all the technological advancements in the world, man is proud of its collective self for figuring out how to send naked pictures of pop-stars to each other in mere nanoseconds? Yay.
The last dwarf, Prick, who I would assume to be a close relative of Sleazy, sends me Instant Messages with porno-related hyperlinks in them! I'll be sitting online wasting precious time at two in the morning like every other college in America, talking to my Feminist, Atheist, Pro-Choice, Sometimes-Vegetarian, Liberalist, Starving Writer Insomniac friends, when randomly I'll get another IM. I think, "Yay, someone else is up at this hour and feels like talking." I'll take precious time away from my useless ramblings with my actual friends to answer the IM. And all I get for my efforts is some link to some nasty site or other, with letters in a really annoying shade of blue. All just to click yet another 'Cancel' button. Now, was that really worth it? I think not.
And there you have it, folks. The story of the Mutant Dwarves that live inside my computer. So, on that happy note, how's your week been?