Ladies and gentlemen, if there's anybody here this afternoon who's feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, it's probably because you have just got married to Richard Grossman. As most of you know my name is Tom and I am Richard’s brother. I feel like I’m slightly on trial today, because Rich said that if I do a good job here, I could be best man at his next wedding as well. So there’s a lot of pressure to keep this title.

 

Now traditionally, the second speech at a wedding ends with the groom proposing a toast to the bridesmaids - just as Rich did, quite superbly, a few moments ago (way to go bro). But since I’m the final speaker, I was wondering who gets to toast me? I think it’s no surprise that I am going to be toasting to Richie and Kristin at the conclusion of this speech. I don’t think it would kill you guys to show me a little love. After all, I’m far more important than the bridesmaids - they don’t even have a speaking part! And as for looking after the rings (as I did so excellently if I do say so myself). I think such a responsibility surely merits some form of recognition. So then, if no one has any objections I think we’ll start with a toast to the best man. To me!

 

Well Rich enjoy this day. This is your wedding day and you should enjoy it because like another mets world series win, Be happy with the one you got in your life time but face the realization that its never going to happen again.

 

I was always jealous of Rich. He got most of the attention at home especially with my father. I think Rich’s personality and sense of humor resulted from the games dad played with him as a kid. My father really helped mold the boy we know and love. I’ll never forget it. They played this game where Dad used to throw Rich in the air – and walk away.

 

I know it's traditional for the best man to rip on the groom about the number of ex-girlfriends that the groom has had, but I don't want to get into all that. Frankly, I find such macho male posturing vulgar and offensive to the bride. But, suffice to say Rich, 72 turned out to be your lucky number.

 

When Rich asked me to be best man, he reassured me everything would be fine by giving me this book [hold up book]. He obviously didn’t read it himself, and I stopped myself at page 7 when I read, and I quote: ‘keeping a clear, sober head throughout the wedding celebrations is key to performing well as a best man. [Throw book away].

 

 

Now, how can I make this speech without mentioning Kristin, the wonderful bride? She is beautiful, intelligent, caring - and, in Rich, I think she's made a wonderful choice of first husband.

 

I spoke to Kristin’s dad earlier and he was reminiscing about how fast children grow up. He said when Kristin was a toddler, he remembers her running around with a dummy, and now suddenly here she is, 20 years later running around with a dummy.

 

I spoke to Kristin’s dad earlier and he was reminiscing about how fast children grow up. He told me how he used to take Kristin to the church events where they have a bunch of animals roaming around. He told me he could never get her away from the donkeys. I guess it’s no coincidence fifteen years later; she’s getting married to a jackass.

 

He also told me how Rich asked him for her hand in marriage. He said that it was fine by him, providing Rich took the hand that for the last 20 years had spent most of it's time in his wallet!

 

I feel that I’ve done my duty well so far today, all things considered. I delivered a sober groom to the church on time, provided the rings on cue, and as I give this speech now, I don’t think I’m going to offend or embarrass anyone - apart from Rich, of course. But after this, there still remains one final duty that Kristin reminded me about a little earlier. My final duty today will be to dance with the bride, after the groom, her father, and her father-in-law. Kristin, that will be my pleasure, but I’m afraid that I draw the line at dancing with Rich, Big Rob and my Dad. Although you guys look great in those suits!

 

I think its important to have something you can truly love in life, something that no one else can understand but you. Something that will always be there and that no matter how much you want to give up on that something deep down you know you love it more than anything in the world. For Rich that something is the New York Mets, but don’t be offended Kristin, My brother always told me that you were his silver medal.

 

I know I kind of dissed you guys before but I wanna throw a big thanks to the Bridesmaids. Now I know what you're thinking, but you'd be suprised. It is apparently quite difficult to pout, look pretty, and hold flowers all at the same time, especially for an hour. Try holding your hands up like a Christmas caroler all night long. I promise you it’s not fun. I'm sure you'll all agree they've performed such a role fantastically. And that was in spite of some of the inevitable rivalry and competition that will naturally exist between them. Indeed, prior to the service I witnessed a furious sisterly argument about who was to get the first dance with the Best Man - Understandable, I thought - until I got closer and heard them saying, 'You!', 'no, you!'

 

You know I never really had a life long friend who grew up and got married so Rich is my first so I had no idea how to tell if something was serious or not. I first started to notice about two summers ago. After always being a contender in fantasy baseball Rich had a monster decline and finished in dead last. Kristin his decline in fantasy baseball shows how much he loves you. I know that sounds really stupid and you probably all just think it was a failed joke, but my brother and I understand.

 

I remember when Rich took me to take my road test. He gave me this great advice how I had nothing to be worried about and how I was going to get a hundred on it and that I shouldn’t be nervous. He drove me there in his silver Mitsubishi Galant. I remember being really nervous because his break pads were different and you had to slam on them to get the car to stop. Ten minutes and 3 abrupt stops later I realized while he may be a great brother it doesn’t mean I should take his advice.

 

So rich, Dad may like you more. Mom may like you more. Toni may like you more. Nanny may like you more. Lucky may like you more. All our aunts and uncles may like you more. All of our cousins may like you more. You may be better looking You may be nicer. You may be funnier. You may be more athletic, but tell me. Can you make a best man speech to rock a wedding like I just did? (may cut out)

 

Rich I was with you during the worst moment of your life when Mike Piazza popped out to deep deep DEEP center where Bernie Williams made the play while you stood on the coffee table in our living room. Now I am glad I can be with you here today on the best day of your life. You’re an awesome brother and it has truly been an honor to be your best man. Kristin is a lovely person, she deserves a great husband, and it looks to me as if she has found one in you. I started planning this speech six months ago, and you must feel like I have been delivering it equally as long, but now it gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Richie and Kristin. And Kristin after tomorrow, don’t think you are going to get away with wearing that white dress.