| The Facts of Life Brought to you by Steve Monroe, CRPHT 1.) Everybody has a price (50 bucks oughtta do it.) 2.) Blind people are God's gift to ugly people. 3.) Pigs can and do fly on occasion (ever hear of a police helicopter?) 4.) There really is such thing as a free lunch. It's called planting a cochroach in your salad. 5.) If you make a face, it won't freeze that way. You'll just suffer from mild brain damage. 6.) Hell can and has in the past frozen over. Satan did it to get rid of all the winter coats he had bought on sale from JC Penny. 7.) It's not true that the only sure things in life are death and taxes. You can always claim exempt on your taxes, and if you email me your credit card number, I'll mail you immortality serum..... 8.) The way to a man's heart is through his chest cavity and pectoralis major. 9.) Masturbating won't make you go blind, ejaculating in your eyes will make you go blind. 10.)Sex is a beautiful thing between a man and woman who are very drunk. 11.) White men can jump. Ever see Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video? Wow. 12.) George Washington liked big butts and he could not lie. 13.) Babies come from a large production plant in New Jersey. 14.) Women. Can't live with 'em, can't get the laundry done without 'em. 15.) You don't have to wait an hour to go swimming after you eat, but don't blame me if a shark smells the barbecue sauce on your fingers. 16.) A woman without her man is nothing. 17.) A woman. Without her, man is nothing. 18.) Santa Claus did exist, but he was shot down over a No-Fly-Zone in Washington DC after September 11 do to Air Traffic Regulations. 19.) Two wrongs won't make a right, but 3 lefts will. 20.) The best things in life are free. Except lap dances.... |