(Off the Cuff Answers)
1) I have recently added some photographs of the alleged perpetrator in which his entire face is concealed to ensure his continued anonymous status. What do you believe these photographs reveal to our viewers? Mostly that this site is for real. That there truly is an A-P (alleged perpetrator) and that he's a pretty big guy well capable physically of causing some harm to his victims. Also the fact that the A-P is a reasonably big male might help explain why his behaviors had me so extremely terrified for such a long time, until recently that is. I'm 5'9", but I only weigh about 110 to 115 pounds and like I've said before, I've never been in a physical fight with anyone before. I've never even been into a hair pulling fight when I was a teenager. I have no self-defense training whatsoever. I have no real weapons experience or training. And I didn't and still don't have enough money to buy security gadgets. So, for a long time in the stalking, I was scared to death of the A-P. I felt like there was just no chance in the world I'd ever be able to fight him off if he attacked me. The location where I live is very isolated too, so I felt like if he attacked me I'd be totally alone and unable to defend myself. It would have been a one sided battle in which the A-P would have done whatever he wanted to me and I couldn't have stopped him or gotten away from him. It just felt a lot like a nightmare where you're trying to scream but no sound comes out and the monster descends on you. I felt helpless like that for well over a year as a stalking victim. And then, eventually I got really mad! I got sick of the craziness of it, the hopelessness and the injustice. Nowadays, I don't care anymore, I'm simply royally burned-out. I guess I was lucky though that the A-P didn't think I was as helpless as I was back at the beginning. It's either this or he truly thought he could terrorize me better, isolate me further and hurt me more by creating all those co-victims. Whatever the reason, I am probably fortunate that the A-P was so delusional that he didn't seem to realize how helpless I was.
2) Do you believe that the alleged perpetrator may react to the addition of the new photographs on this website? He may act out yes, reacting isn't a very good word for what he does. He'll likely go on a Chop Sue-eeey kick again. The bottom line is that the A-P has terrorized and harassed both others and me and he has slandered me to the maxim. If he wants to run this thing into court I just don't care anymore. I'd be happy to show the judge all the slanderous emails he's written to me and to you. I'd be happy to bring some others he's tried this crap with in to testify to what he's done and said. And I'd be willing to bet more witnesses would eventually come forward. The A-P had no right and has no right to stalk me or terrorize me and no one who didn't already know about him and know all about that situation in 2002 would be able to tell who he is through those pictures with the face all blacked out! What I'm saying is that only the direct victims and co-victims and the local police maybe would be able to tell who he is in those pictures. Well, his family members could recognize him considering he told them about the incident and pointed the website out to them. Probably he didn't tell his family about this incident though. Anyways and besides that, he's been on the Chop Sue-eeeey kick over everything imaginable, it started with the Court Orders of Protection that the police told me to get, it continued with the times I reported him to the police, it went on from there to the times I didn't give in to his demands, and it continued yet again with the beginning of this website. He's threatened to sue me for everything and in my opinion it all boils down to his vendetta against me for dumping him and then doing what the police and experts told me to do when he threatened and stalked me. This website is an additional thing, well so what. The A-P is into Chop Sue-eey no matter what I do or don't do and no matter what others do or don't do. We're talking about a fruit loop that stalked my rancher friend even though this friend of mine tried to ignore the A-P and let the A-P get away with stalking in hopes that the A-P would leave him alone! Then the A-P turned around and says this friend of mine threatened him, but of coarse the A-P doesn't dare forward that supposedly threatening email, which I bet is nothing more than my friend saying the A-P needs to F-off! Again, the A-P's views on things are beyond lame. It's like he expects the world to condone what he's done, encourage him to stalk some more, agree with him and his claims without proof, and then he seems to expect the victims and co-victims to welcome him and accept him with genuine warmth. He appears so shocked when the victims and co-victims, those that can speak, tell him to get lost and F-off and go away. His lack of insight has become comical at times, sad at other times due to how much of a waste of life he is, and enraging at yet other times. And I have a long fuse, I don't get angry quickly. So this is all saying a whole lot.
3) Do you suspect that in the beginning of these stalking occurrences the alleged perpetrator was attempting to rekindle his approximately four month long relationship with you? I don't know the answer to that. He might have had some distant hopes initially or he may have had a dark defeatist attitude and just figured there was no way so he had to get revenge for being jilted when I ended the relationship. The truth is that he blew his chances in the relationship in many ways and instead of changing those ways soon enough to make a difference he applied the behaviors of insanity defined. That is, if something creates horrible concrete results for you repeat it and repeat it and repeat it forever, don't change your destructive MO, just repeat it and maybe up the ante on the same kinds of destructive behaviors that got you in trouble in the first place. Like I've said in one of the poems placed on this site, he sure sharpened my eject button! At least he's stopped sending those ridiculous emails, but he's probably still site stalking and probably waiting for February 2003 when the Court Order runs out. I've had people suggest I get another Court Order of Protection against him immediately, but I don't have an address where he can be served. If I were to do this though that would make it the third year long Court Order of Protection against the same one and only A-P.
4) Can you explain for our viewers more about why you are no longer afraid of the alleged perpetrator? Well, it's true enough, that in my opinion the potential for danger is still there. I'm not much more able or prepared to defend myself or my family. He could go berserk at any time. But, he's caused so much damage already, I've lived in perpetual fight or flight mode for so long that my health has completely crashed again, my husband is a basket case and has suffered also, my son has drawn horrible pictures of the A-P so he's been severely traumatized, animals have been badly hurt, finances have been devastated, I could go on for pages and pages about the ruins. And I've just reached that point, beyond terror, beyond desperation, beyond outrage at the injustice, where it doesn't matter anymore. Everything has become insignificant. In truth the A-P owes my family alone about $80,000 a year in retribution payments, and that's being conservative in my opinion. Then there are the co-victims on top of that. I can imagine that the site stalking belly slithering A-P cockroach is getting his sick little low-life jollies off out of reading this. But I don't care about that either. The pleasure or pain of something like the A-P isn't worth caring about to any significant degree.
5) Can you clarify why it was that you photographed the alleged perpetrator thereby creating the photographs displayed on this site as well as others? Sure, to begin with neither the co-victims nor me called the police to report the A-P that day. I just happened to hear about the sighting of the A-P's vehicle and whatnot through the grapevine. This whole incident was pure luck for me. The police had already been called. Anyway, I drove out to the site where the A-P was at because I wanted to make sure the police found him, I wanted to see if it was him and if the location was as I suspected a stalking campsite, and I wanted to videotape and photograph him because I didn't have a single picture of him before this. The stalking had been going on for about a year already and every time the police would come out they'd ask for a description of him. Sometimes they'd ask if I had a picture. A victim simply wants and oftentimes is in need of a picture of her stalker. This is the only way police and others can identify him for sure and maybe stop him from committing more crimes. I had recently received advice for another expert who encouraged me to not live in terror of the A-P and explained to me how the A-P was feeding off of my fear. I was also at that point where I was beginning to allow my terror to change to anger. I was tired of being victimized all the time and not being able to do anything about it. So I videotaped and photographed the A-P. While I was out there, in my vehicle with the doors locked, videotaping the A-P, even with the police man there I was still scared 1/2 to death. I was so freaked out in the beginning I couldn't get the camera to work. The officer was talking to me through my truck window and I was shaking and fiddling with the switches on the camera trying to figure out why this camera wouldn't work while struggling to control my voice, which I succeeded, and keep it slow calm and coherent. After several minutes or so I found out it was on night shot and then I got it working! Phew! But you can see on the original video that there is a blank space in the beginning where you can hear me talking to the policeman, explaining who the A-P was and why I was there, but you can't see anything. Then a lot of the film shows how much the camera jumped around because I was trembling so hard through the whole thing. No matter how scared I really was I'm still glad I got the footage though.
6) You mention that your camera has a night shot option. I already know why this isn't used to film the alleged perpetrator at night, however; this site's readers may not understand. Can you explain why you do not use your camera to film the alleged perpetrator when you suspect he is stalking you at night? Yes, it's because my night shot ability is marginal at best. I can film something OK if there is some lighting, like street lights or car lights, and the object isn't more than 30 or so feet away, but my camera can't capture any images that are in total darkness. At 30 feet the image will be poor quality unless it is very large, stationary or lit up itself. To get a good image of something, like a person at night with my camera, the person needs to be reasonably stationary and about 10 feet away with some lighting to bring it into camera visibility. To catch something in total darkness I'd need infrared spotlights that are very expensive and an adaptive lens device that would cost me about $1,300. I can't afford this kind of equipment. It's good that this point was brought up though because some people I have turned to for help that been really nasty to me about my failure to use a video camera to record the A-P at night. They were completely ignorant of the impenetrable level of darkness out here in the country where there just aren't any house, traffic or street lights, and the cost of equipment that would work for this kind of project. Average people without a lot of money can't simply zip out to the store and buy stuff that will get the job done. Then renting it won't work either because I'd need the infrared spotlights and the kind of camera that's not for rent! Not to mention the fact that I'd have to have the equipment all the time because stalking is a long-term form of domestic terrorism and stalkers don't send you a telegram explaining the dates they plan to stalk you! The crime of stalking can last many months or years, even decades and it goes through highly active phases, overt phases, covert phases, and sinister lulls, all phases come and go without appointment!
Copyright � 2002
All rights reserved
No rights to copy, print, download, duplicate, or display elsewhere other than this specific website granted or implied without the direct written permission of the author. Please contact agent of the author: Mr. Gunther S. Vanludwick at [email protected]
**As with all poetry, essays, correspondence and/or published letters, e-mails or other communications presented on this webpage, this work is a personal subjective expression of its author's own feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and opinions. This statement is in no way intended to invalidate or minimize the powerful and poignant experiences of this author. However, this statement is intended to indicate that creative expressions such as these written forms of artwork are derived from their author's own personal feelings, thoughts, beliefs and opinions.
**This work was designed to represent a casual chat session with Lady Lost. This work has not been edited for spelling errors and typos.
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