November 19, 2002

Well, after taking some time off from ranting, I've decided to come back. I have a lot on my mind, so let's start:

First, I wanted to let all the guys know that there is not enough snow outside yet to write your names in it yet. This is a post for Andrew. I heard a hillarious story about you and something you did involving peeing outside and it made me die laughing. Who honestly pees outside their house? Was the bathroom occupied? Were you trying to imitate a dog? I mean, really... that was funny though. Good ups. Secondly, I was at TEC this weekend and I have never had a better thing happen in my life. I'm not a big religious freak, but I did make so many new friends that I consider this the best time of my life so far. Thirdly, I would like to say that Sadies was fun... except that the dj SUCKED BALLS!!! He sucked more than Monica Lewinski in the men's restroom in the U.S. Senate. That fucking dj only played one fucking type of music for the entire two hours I was there: hip-hop. Whoop-di-fucking-do! Hip-hop consists of shit! It's got good dance beats, but a dance is supposed to have variety!!!!!! The diversity of the music at the dance resembled the variety of races present in the Edina school district... that's right... NONE! Oh, and could it have been getting, to quote Nelly, anymore "Hot in Herrrre!"? It was a fucking sauna. The fact that it was crowded may have helped the heat factor too. But, my god! Open a fucking window! The dance, though, was greatly successful, as I ended up leaving the night with a new girlfriend. So, that went well. Also, I went to the lake and fed ducks on Monday. Oh, and Hlee, don't read into what I asy about the race shit. That's just me being pissed at a fucking moron who I had to talk to who couldn't understand simple english and simple orders from the place that she works in. It's like someone asking me at Target where the bathrooms are and then telling them that the plants need watering, so please go to aisle 4. Then they ask me again, so I give them a cup and tell them that I'm thirsty. Then, the third time they ask me, I decide to play toilet tag with them and the other 5 idiots behind them in my line because I'm a fucking ignorant puss. Finally the forth time, they grab a tazer and fry my nuts off so then I understand that they want to piss in a toilet that flushes and all. That's what it was like for me. It took 4 times to tell the idiot my order and the last time, I drew it out for her with my hands like I was a crazy raver on ectacy. That's why I was so irritated. The ducks were cute.

November 9, 2002

Oh fuck nuts! I started my new job at the Science Museum today and I got to shadow some spaz dude today. He's really nice and all, but he really enjoys his measley job a little too much. Don't get me wrong here, I love the museum, but he takes safety too seriously. I mean, who really cares if some kid dies because the chain strangles him because he doesn't understand the physics about fucking up. Hey, shit happens. Also, an interesting thing happened there today: we were given a complaint by a lady who told us that the back panel to this fire exhibit was unlocked. She said, "I mean, I don't think I'd be really happy if my kid were to stick his hand in there and burn it off." NO SHIT SHERLOCK! Well, we locked it, but her sarcasm was really not needed. I mean, how dumb does the fucking kid have to be to realize that MAYBE fire is hot? Don't do it dumbass! I would probably be sadto see some poor kid get his hand burned off, but hey, shit happens. On a lighter note, I got asked to Sadie's and I'm so happy because it's the only person I wanted to go with. She's incredible and I am realy happy to be going. And, oh, now I can officially call my Chevy Crapalier and CRAPalier. I parked my car under the only tree on our block with leaves on it still, and as I found out in the morning, all the birds from the fucking city live in there and decided to make it open season on the hood of my car. It's seriously funny. It looks like I have a polka dot pattern on my car. All those little fucking birds shat on my hood and it smells like... POOP!

October 25, 2002

Wow... What a fucked up day! It all started off with me writing a hilarious story about who Jesus was and then it went downhill from there. I wrote this story (which you can read once Chad tells me how I can do this techno crap and all online, but until then, ask me to show it to you) for Andrew Aldrich for Jesus weekend because he needed to have a speech about who Jesus was and how he inpacts his life and all that crap. But anywho... on to the crapfest that I enjoyed today!

We had our senior class picture taken today and let me tell you that the kids in our class are absolute assholes... not everyone, mind you. There's like 50 people who give our class a bad image and they are so rude! They can't fucking listen so Schlukabier has a friggin heartattack. That man has bad enough blood pressure as it is so why try to fuck him over any more! And when we took our picture in the shape of "03", we didn't have enough kids to fill in the zero, so it looks supper ghetto. And everyone's a moron and no one (including me) would try to move over to fill it in... I guess it's more or less of a tribute to how ghetto our school is. I mean, we have a door in the band hall that doesn't have any way of opening because someone broke off the lever thingy. The guys bathroom is the personification of Hell on earth. I pity the people who need to take a shit in the cum soaked toilets... which leads me to another question: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU JACK-OFF IN SCHOOL?! THAT'S ALMOST AS GROSS AS LOOKING DIRECTLY INTO RACHEL CHAPMON'S FACE! I mean, it's a simple request, really. If you're really that horny, try looking at some pictures of ugly people... such as Rachel Chapmon, Kali Kane, or a sheep. Ok, well, a sheep is actually hot compared to them. "Holy shit I shagged a sheep!" (try saying that 3 times fast!). But then as I was wandering back to math class from the bathroom, my day got worse when I found out that Paul Wellstone died. That was a true shock and that made my day hit rock bottom. I had a hard time the rest of the day, but I really feel bad for his family and friends and all the others on the plane with him. It was hard for me to comfort my friends who were deeply affected by this and my thoughts are with Brendan (Ballou), David Fri-Ho, and Katie K. as it must be very hard for them (they had connections to him in some way). You guys will pull through. But I'm sorry to end this "rant" on a downer, but that's kinda how my day has gone.

October 20, 2002

Sweet balls! I got my car tonight! Granted, it's a '92 Chevy Crapelier, but it's still a car. I am so happy about it! I got my licence about 3 weeks ago, and I enjoy driving, and now I'm pumped because I can go pimping!... in my Crapelier!

Ok, to go off on a new topic, I went to a Teens Encounter Christ meeting today for those of us involved in the team and it was kinda cool to see old friends again. But while I was there, I ran into the scariest girl alive, Mary Jane. She's the most annoying person I've ever seen and she makes everyone know it. "Hi! I'm Mary Jane and I'm annoying! I have no friends whatsoever, and that's because I have the fasion sense of an camel and I have the enthusiasm of a todler who's o.d.'d on Tang and Starbucks with cocaine as her sugar replacement. Not to mention I make everyone hate me because I brag about this to everyone...." Argh! She pisses me off so much! And this girl is in charge of the whole Jesus weekend! What the fuck?! You expect me to listen and take orders from her?! I'd rather eat a chia pet and drink Draino. There's no one that likes that piece of carp or listens to her. She acted all offended when I refused to stop talking to listen to her directions and sing a "I love Jesus" song with corny actions. I'll sing a song for you, bitch: (sung to the tune of "Jesus Loves Me") "Martin hates you, this I know! For my Bible tells me so! Little craps like you belong. On the street sucking schlongs. [Chorus] Yes, Martin hates you! Yes, Martin hates you!..."

October 19, 2002

This MEA break has started out well. On Wednesday, I had a field trip to the Gutherie Theater to see Shakespeare's "Comedy of Errors" and that was incredibly funny. But what made it better was the people who went on it. William, Joe, Andy, Joy, Beth, and Katie made it a great time. I traded seats with WIlliam (as he wanted to sit by Joe, so I made the trade) and I ended up with the best seats in the house. I had an ubre-awesome time. Thursday was fun... I slept and did chores for those damn parents. Friday consisted of touring Hamline.... wow... that was so fun. I love that school. I'm going there fo sho. Then I went to play baseball with Joe, Andy, Max, Max, Nathan and like 15 other kids (most of which were juniors) and I can't hit, but I can field thank god. We then went to Wendy's and ate food and played a game of football inside. We tossed it around and Max stuck it down his pants a few times because he wanted to see if he could get his pubic hair on it (no joke). Oh, all the people who work at Wendy's were like Mexicans and couldn't speak or understand english. They fucked up Max's order and I had to give my order 4 fucking times! Goddamn! Learn the fucking english language!!!! I hate it when people who have to work with people don't know the language! It pisses me off so damn much! It's like I'm trying to talk to a mime! I should just go in there next time wearing an INS jacket and threaten them with deportation and that they're illegal aliens. Then they'll listen.... bastards. Argh!

October 10, 2002

I need a girl. Here I am sitting down the friggin' band hall today and I see quite possibly the ugliest thing ever. And, no, I'm not talking about Betsy and Gabe (just kidding, you two... you make Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie's "fling" look normal). Peter and Jess are actually controlling their, hormones, if you will. But William Palmer and his girlfriend (I don't know her name... I think it's Hannah...). Man, they're just icky together! They're always on each other and all that icky, mushy crap. It's nasty to watch that shit. It's right during lunch too. God forbid if I decide to try and savour my school lunch. My polysynthetic piece of post-consumer, 100% recycled cardboard, with a hint of toner added for flavor. But back to William and Hannah... those two together make a badger look attractive... just that I wouldn't let the badger blow me. Oh, and on the topic of beastiality, I got to thinking of a great question: What animal would you most prefer to give you head? Well, I think that a giraffe would get my vote, hands down. I mean, the giraffe has a really, really, really long tongue and that would be cool (plus they don't have sharp teeth to bite anything important off). Anywho... I think I just lost my audience... anyone still there?

October 2, 2002

Hey there now... I have been following this whole Chad and Todd thing for a long time, Stef, and I have enjoyed the amusement of every second of it, but I think that it's getting old and shit. I would like to see it stop and at times, it is appearing as though the two of you are being really mean towards each other. Nelle... ouch! Very ouch, man! And about this hate thing... I may say shit about "hating" people, but I don't. I just say shit. Kinda like Chad does (and I know that you don't hate anyone either Chad... I'm just trying to say shit to make things interesting). When I use the word, "hate," it's meant in a nice kind of way. It's like when I say that Ms. Squire weighs 5,000 lbs, I really mean that she only weighs 1,000 lbs, but I say it because I do. Yeah... whatever. Anyways, Chad, Stef, can we try to let this thing go? Let's just focus at bitching about other shit... like getting caught doing stuff. My good friend got suspended and might have charges pressed against him for having copies of the principal's keys in his possesion. I am laughing at him for it, because I warned about it, but I feel bad about it beacuse he's in deep shit for it. It was a great idea at the time, but obviously it didn't work. It's kinda like that one time I milked that cow, only to find out later that it was a bull (and he sure was happy to see me... and the milk sure tasted funny too). If it did work, I was hoping to use his key to do our senior prank, but now we'll have to try to figure something else out now. Dammit! Why'd you get caught?! But anyways... I haven't heard the full story from him yet (as I actually have to talk to his mom instead of him... if I want to talk to him, I have to hold the conversation through her, which is really fun to do... lol...), but as I hear it, three kids got caught with copies, but it was my friend who got in the most trouble (as it was his idea and all). Good times. Laugh it off, yo. Like that singing fish says, "Don't worry. Be happy!" Go Billy Bass!

September 30, 2002

Alright. Enough is e-fucking-nough! What the fuck is this? Chad and Todd are acting like fucking babies with three-day-old soiled diapers! Well, ok, so at least Todd has been able to stop bitching about all of this on his website. Chad, you just can't let it go, can you?! I hate being in the middle of all of this, because I'm friends (or I consider myself a friend) of both of you, and I'm not taking sides on this issue, because this is stupid! I'm going to be honest and say that I think (and I truely hope) that Jacob is cool with me. I don't have any problems with him any more. He's been quite decent to me and to be honest, my problem with him wasn't a big issue that I would hold a huge grudge over him for. But Chad.... c'mon! Let's try to be mature here! Todd has stopped bitching about you and your website on his website (www.big-woop.com) and you chould really try doing that yourself. The two of you are decent people and I think you two are just being dumb about this all. We can't all possibly get along with the same people or ideas, but you two are being absurd about it. Especially Chad! You just keep going on and on and on! You're like a drunk blonde at a party!...You don't know when to stop to ice-down! So, I'm asking that the two of you try to calm down. Perhaps the two of you should meet sometime and try to kiss and make up? This is just getting stupid... but not as stupid as I eat M&M's!

September 27, 2002 (about 3 hours later)

So, here I am back again... twice in one night! Damn I'm good! So, let's see, Ms. Squire bashing is nice. Oh, Chad was bitching about that Rachel girl who can't hold a camera. So, there she was sitting at my lunch table yesterday. Theoretically, there are like 12 open seats at that table, but her forhead was taking up 4 of the seats on the one side of the table, and her ass took up another 8 on the other side. Man, that girl is ugly. Nathan, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU DATE THAT FUCK?! You could do so much better dating Gertie. GO INCEST! Another life story, you ask? Well... alright... I dated a girl for ten days! Go me! Also, we had a senoir class meeting today, and lemme tell you, it was a waste of time. I've never seen more rude people in a single room before. There was an awesome pic of this dude form the 80s and of course, the mullet and mustache look was in. SEEEEEEXXXXXXYYYYY. He was so funny. Picture, if you will, Kenny G (you know.... that sax player) with a mustache, bad acne scars, glasses, and greasy, long hair. No, wait, that's Ms Squire again. Damn... oh well, close enough. They're related I think. But that's what that dude looked like. It was funny as hell. Oh, Chad, you need to add this site to your list of links, and everyone needs to check this out. www.engrish.com is a site dedicated to really bad, but funny english translations throughout the world (but mainly the Japanese). But, I'm going to finish this rant now because I have to pee, but not like I need to pee on David's funny ass rants.

September 27, 2002

Wow.... that was fucked up. So here I come back to my rants. Enough is enough and it's time to get cracking on this shit. Get ready, kids... you're in for a long fucking ride.

So, that last rant of mine was so spectacular, that I neglected to finish it until now. That's how hot it was. So, the last time I was here, all was well in the world. Todd and Chad were in their own little worlds, Geoff was being... uh... Geoff. And Ms. Squire was only just starting her long trek from the third floor up to our math class on the fifth floor. It only took her 18 f$@#ing days. I have been in her class for about 4 weeks now, and that woman (and I use the term, "woman," losely... she's more like a lunch "lady") is late getting to the class from lunch at least two or three days a week! Goddamn! She was ten minutes late one day! She only weighs like 5,000 lbs... I mean, you'd think that she could stand to skip lunch! And what's hilarious to me is that half of us (her students) lap her in going to class. I passed that woman on my way to class, and then realized I left my fucking book in my locker, which is back on the third floor. Keep in mind that I pass this woman on the stairs, so I hurry back down to get the book, and hurry back to class, and I actualy beat her back. I friggin' lapped that moose!

September 9, 2002

I decided to take a walk outside today. It's hot as hell. Not outside, mind you... inside. Inside our mother fucking school. I spend a better part of the day just doing nothing but sitting somewhere and leaving lakes of sweat behind.... to be continued

June 23, 2002

So I saw Minority Report for the second time this weekend, and damn, it is a really good movie. I don't think that it's Spielberg's best, but it's in the top five. I recommend to everyone that you see it. So I decided to "rant" about patriotism tonight. I don't mind seeing the American flag flying, or the people all wearing "$5 flag shirts", or seeing red, white and blue fireworks, but I draw the line on patriotism on car freshners. I saw these out in cars right after the 9/11 attacks, and I started to cry from laughter. It's the most ridiculous way to show that you support America. It probably wouldn't have been so stupid to me if it hadn't been in the shape of a pine tree. Nothing says "I support America" better than an American flag car freshener in the shape of a fucking pine tree. So here I am shopping in Target today and I see them and I started to go nuts again. It really makes me want to hate America. Only earlier in the day, as I was paging through the Sunday paper looking for some good shit to read while I'm taking a crap, I read an ad for ordering these "limited edition" collector's plates of the World Trade Towers. The plates proudly display the towers as they used to be and remind us of the terrible tragedy that I now sometimes laugh at, thanks to these fucking ads. I'm not making fun of the event, but when there are companies out there making profit off of this event with all sorts of cheesy shit, I just want to cringe. But then as I was sitting on the can taking a shit, I realized I did not have any toilet paper to wipe my ass with. Then I got to thinking: "I should start making toilet paper with the design of the American flag!" Yeah! There's the best idea I've ever had! I mean, just think of how proud American's will be knowing that they are wiping their asses with the American flag! No evil terrorist can touch their booty now! I mean, just think of profit that could be made off of all the morons who would buy it! I could make trillions! ("But why make trillions, when we could make.... billions?!" --Dr. Evil) All I need now is to sell my idea to a company and get my idea off of the ground! Any takers out there???

June 22, 2002

I know I can't rant. I don't have much that ever happens in my life that is like what happens to Chad, Geoff or Lizzie. I admit that I have lived a pretty good life. I'm a spoilt, only child, so I get a lot of attention and I hardly ever break the rules. I'm a fucking boy scout. I'm quite boring, in fact. The only reason why (in my opinion) that people find me funny is because I say stupid shit. I act like a fucking fourth grader who's in the twelth grade. Lizzie can back me up on that point. I erased all that other shit I've written in here because it's all crap, like the meaning to my life. I'm a fucking music nerd. Nothing will ever come to me in my life if I live half of it in the fucking band and choir hall. I love my friends. I love those who aren't really truley friends, but they're people who can talk to me and listen to me. I am one of those people who consider myself quite open to anybody. I try to become friends with people who I admire, but then they just slam the door in my fucking face. Example: Jacob Barker-Huelster (or however you spell it). I admired him for his views on politics and his opinions. He seemed like a really nice kid who was very friendly, but I thought wrong. I know I didn't have the same opinions as he did, but getting to know a person doesn't mean y'all have to have the same fucking views. I am annoying with my jokes too. But you don't have to sit in a class and try to put a person down when the joke fails. You can keep the comments to yourself and not try to turn people against me (or Chad or whoever). Another thing is that you are incredibly rude to teachers in school. I understand that you don't care about school, but you don't have to think that the teachers are against you (i.e. Ms. Peters). She wasn't singling you out or anything or trying to say that you're a bad kid, but you were just an ass to her and didn't try. You don't have to ruin school for the rest of us. I don't care about high school either, but I'm not on a mission to make school any worse for myself or others. I try to make it enjoyable and just make it through the six dreadful hours of school for those four meaningless years. I'll admit that I hate certain teachers at the school and I feel that they are biased and can't teach (i.e. Ms Zimmerman). I feel she only wants to work with the A students and will not waste her time with the D or below students, such as myself. She never tried to help me. She was only interested in gossiping with the girls and teaching to the kids in the front of the class. I don't insult her "intelligence" in fron tof the class though and put her down and tell her that she's wrong, like what you did to Ms. Peters. There's a certain amount of respect you show to the teacher AND your classmates. Don't be selfish and only think of yourself. I know I used to be an asshole in Jr. High, but I tried to change. I was a nerd who had no friends and I would often tell many people to go fuck themselves, but that wasn't getting me any friends, so I changed. I used to want to beat-up any gay I saw walking down the street. I used to want to go to those rallies and tell gays that they weren't accepted by God. But then I started listening to people with different opinions. I realized in ninth grade, after reading parts of the Bible, that the Bible contradicts itself and that it's only a metaphor for life. I'm still Christian, but not one of those hard-core ones. I changed my views on gays and now I sit with them at lunch (or those who aren't gay, but accept them... GSA people...). In fact I'm going to join the GSA next semester and show my support for what they stand for. I changed so that I could get friends. I realized how nice Gen was after being so mean to her in Jr. High and I felt terrible for what I said to her. I make a mockery of life all the time because I feel that noone should take life seriously. My goal in life is to have as many friends as possible and to put a smile on everyone's face. This is my goal because I was a very lonely only child and I never had friends. I know it's my friends that I look to for support. They are the ones who keep me from pulling the trigger. It hurts me whenever I have people who don't know me talkiing shit about the fact that I can't rant. I rant on this site because I felt I could be funny, but obviously I don't have the touch to turn my life into anything weird and funny like the others can. I'm not interesting at all, but I did this because Chad's my friend and I thought I could try to be funny. With that, I will end this rant and all future rants about my life, since I am worthless and don't have one.

June 22, 2002

Another thing... Q: What did one space dog ask another space dog?... A: Can I sniff Uranus?

Now I'm finished.