My excuse for humour begins...
The venerable mansion sat on the patch of ground that was now rather sick of it -- it was heavy, and it kept getting blown up. Inside it was the reason for it’s blowing up, the Uncanny X-Men. Heroes, legends, freaks... ya get the idea. Anywho, in the basement rec room were the X-Men known as Gambit, Cyclops, Beast, Marrow, and Wolverine.
The lanky, auburn haired Gambit was playing a game of pool with Wolverine, and winning thanks to Wolvie’s keeping his hand on his nose all night, and mumbling “Knew I shouldn’t a gone ta Micheal Jackson’s cosmetic surgeon.”
Cyclops was sat straight up in his chair, and was so stiff that the Beast was wondering about Rigour Mortis. Marrow was doing her favourite past-time of killing things (in this case a stuffed bear her new boyfriend Cannonball had given to her).
Rogue walked in, her white shock of her tumbling down in front of her face, her hands on her pregnant stomach. She walked over to Gambit, and laid her head on his “Lobdell is a right @”^(!%~” Tee covered chest. She sighed sweetly, enjoying the experience, and mumbling ’Ah love ya’ under her breath.
“You ‘kay, chere?” Rogue pulled away from him and slapped him, causing him to crack his head on the pool table and slump to the floor.
“How dare ya? Ah hate you!!!!!” After this shcitzoid outburst, she flew out of the room, and left everyone, with the exception of the unconcious Gambit and the rigid Scott staring after her.
Suddenly, a green swirly circle thing opened up in the middle of the room. Even more suddenly (and scarily), Cyclops jumped up and pointed at it, yelling:
“To the X-Mobile!!!”
Everyone slowly shifted their gaze from the direction Rogue went into to the direction of Scott’s irritating and whiny voice, and found him to be jumping up and down eagerly in his Pampers.
“Come ooooonnnnnnnnn!!!!!! Let’s GO!!!”
Beast shook his fuzzy blue head, and started to move towards Scott.
“You’ve not been taking your medication, have you?” However, he did not get to Scott because his moving attracted the attention of Marrow, who was finished tearing the teddy to shreds, and needing something else cute and furry to destroy. She leaped at him, but Wolverine, being as senseless... uh, selfless as he is, leaped in front of Hank with an almighty BWWWWWAAAARRRE!!! Marrow proceded to calmly cut off his nose, Logan started crying, and Gambit woke up.
“Where am I? What dat big green swirly thing?”
Beast picked himself up off the floor, and picked up the dog-brush and proceded to smooth his fur down. “You’re in the Rec room, Gambit. And the green poratl is a manifestation of your time travel powers... oh, sorry, that’s Remi with an ‘i’, isn’ it? It gets so confusing...”
Beast was stared at cluelessly. “What a rec room? What a Gambit? An’ who’s Remi with an ‘i’?”
With a narrowing of eyes from everybody in the room, they stopped brawling, and looked over at Gambit. In chorus, and to the tune of the Coca-Cola theme (just you try and fit it in!), they sang:
“Do do do do do, do do do do do, da da da da da, you’d best not have amnesia, yeah.”
“What’s dis ‘amnesia’?”
With that, Rogue flew back into the room, and with a cry of “No! Not anothah Joseph! Ah’ll kill the creep who wrote this!” Her emerald eyes looked over at the mirror which eerily (read sadly and low-budgetly) tranformed from a reflection of the room to a gal sat at a computer typing like wildfire and grinning evilly. Noticing her mirror had gone wierd, she looked up, and smiled at the X-Men.
“Uh, hi.”
“You!?!? You did this!!! Ah’ll kill ya!!!”
“Nah. Just think -- it’s either me or Lobdell. ‘Sides which, you’re the one who was just actin’ like a schitzo! An’ broke you an’ Remy up - can’t tell me ya too happy ‘bout that.”
“That was the afta effect of Lobdell! It’s not mah fault! Ah love Remy really!”
“Damn straight. C ya, gotta go -- busy finishing this story don’t ya know.”
“Ah’d ratha ya didn’t...” started Rogue, but the image had begun to fade. She then started to look thoughtful. “Damn... ah know!!!!” And with that, she backhanded Gambit back into the pool table. “Sorry, sugah.”
A moment later, his eyes fluttered open. “Chere?”
“Remy? Sugah? Do ya know who I am?”
With a scowl, “No, I jus’ knocked y’ up and y’ jus’ left me in Antartica, ‘course I know who y’ are.”
Rogue stood, Gambit’s shirt in her hand, and lifted his feet off the ground, and started shaking him. “That wasn’t mah fault!!!! If yoah goin’ round bein’ depressed and hatin’ yoahself, an’ then ah kiss ya, gee, ah wonda what’s gonna happen!? An’ ‘sides which...”
The rest of the X-Men then started to look at Scott again, as he was starting to dance like a Native American does in a Western and pretending he was a siren.
“NEE-NOR, NEE-NOR...”
“Now, Scott, I told you to take TWO dried frog pills, TWO...”
“Og s’tel! su gnitivni s’latrop eht!*” Yelled Scott, while laughing madly, and swirling his arms in the air.
Marrow stared at him. “What the Hell’s that mean?”
Hank just shrugged. “I think he wants to go into the portal.” Marrow nodded as though she understood, then stared at the prtal, then back at Hank.
“Why?”
Hank was about to answer her, when an orange ricoched off the back off his head and exploded against the wall behind the now passionatly kissing Gambit and Rogue. Hank watched this, and then did a double take as he noticed belatedly (and he’s meant to be smart!?) that they were actually touching.
“How on earth are they doing that?”
So surprising it’s scary, Scott was the one who answered, though seemingly unintelligably. But then, the X-Men should be used to Scott sprouting bull by now (ouch!).
“Em eveileb t’nod uoy fi atsirK ksA. Senomroh reh s’ti.”
Everyone then started to chuckle nervously and back away from Scott, scared. Scott proceded to dance like a moron and waved his hands in the air like he just didn’t care.
Something else ricoched off Hank’s head, and he turned in annoyance. “What is this!? Do I look like a rink wall?”
Wolverine settled back in his favourite recliner chair, only to jump back up when he realised Gambit and Rogue were making out on it. “Goddam kids,” he grumbled, before answering Hank. “It was a note tellin’ the people on the other side o’ that thing ter quit throwin’ trash inter our dimension. If they think they can do that, then we’ll have anarchy, won’t we, and we can’t have that, now, can...”
“Where... *mmm*... where’s Scott gone?” gasped Gambit from behind Wolvie. Not wnting to look around at just what they were doing now, he looked straight forward and then realised Scott wasn’t there.
Where could he be? Wolvie looked around at the exits to the room, and then realised where he’d gone. Oh, crap. The big green portal had been so inviting to Scott, he must’ve gone thru while they weren’t looking.
“Oh, great. Now we gotta go get Slim. He’s gone thru that damn portal.”
“That’s great! Come on... oh, REMY!!!! *deep, shakey intake of breath* Let’s go ta th’ Boathouse while it’s empty.”
“ROGUE!” Yelled Wolverine, wondering why he was acting like such a prude and figuring he must’ve caught it from Scott.
“What?” She asked, raising an eyebrow indignitly. “Gal’s have sex drives too, ya know!”
“_I_ know,” muttered Gambit under his breath, grinning.
“Come on, you lot.” Muttered Wolverine, stalking towards the portal.
“Where’re we going?” Asked Marrow, one of her bone-knives against Hank’s arm.
“First,” grunted Logan, going primordal in front of them , “We’re goin’ to get outta the way a these two love birds before this turns inta sleazy fan-fic. An’ we’re gonna rescue Slim.”
Gambit looked up momentarily form doing whatever-he-was-doing to Rogue. “Y’ not tellin’ me y’ _do_ have a fancy f’ ‘im, homme?!”
“NO! I do not!” Logan turned to face him, realised his mistake, turned back and marched toward the portal. “This is fer Jean. ‘Sides, what’re you talkin’ ‘bout, Bobby?”
Gambit ignored that, and Rogue didn’t hear it thru her ‘When Harry Met Sally’ impression. Which was probably just as well...
As the X-Men made their way toward the portal, Hank muttered some poetry quotation, and the hung his head when everyone glared at him. “Sorry. Lobdell’s still rubbing off on me.”
“Hmmp.” Grumped Logan. “Just don’t do it again.”
As the X-Men stepped thru the portal, when the blinding light cleared, they found themselves in a kitchen who’s walls where dripping blood. And inhabited by a woman and girl who were... yellow!?
Wolverine glared at them (though the effect was lost thru him still covering the place where his nose was with a hand), and started sniffing at their scents.
The woman, who sported a head of blue hair, the height of which would challange Meggan’s at her prime, gave a little wave, and started to speak in an incredibly gravelly voice.
“Um, hi, everyone. Would you like a cookie? They’re fresh baked!”
Marrow then joined in Wolvie’s staring contest, her’s decidedly more effeicient than his. “Did something crawl down your throat and die?”
“Hey!” Piped up the little girl, scowling up at her. “You can’t talk to my mom like that!”
Marrow pulled herself up to her full height, the bone platforms making that about 6 ft 3in. She grinned down at her, malicious (read insane. Completely.) as ever. “And who’s gonna stop me? You and you’re punky little hair-do?”
That comment brought a bout of coughing from Wolvie, with, Marrow was sure, the words ‘Hhhhggggglook who’s talking’ in there somewhere. Her strange gaze was transferred from the girl to him, who only grinned back toothinly.
NEXT!!! The X-men go thru the portal to find Scott dancing around like a maniac with Homer. Bart thinks Marrow's cool and asks for a bone-knife. He also starts singing ‘Flakey the leper’ to Logan for obvious resons. Get back and Rogue announces shes been to the hospital and is having 6 babies. At this point, we cut away to gambit and Rogue and Celeste and Remy Jr and Etienne, and Jean-Paul and Gabrielle, and the other kid, and its ‘here we go again’ (not affiliated in any way with my other story of the same name.
*Scott’s speaking backwards.
NOTE: Well, there it is. Anyone like it? Hmm, I remember Lori saying that Gambit takes the story in different directions than its meant too. Well, I didn’t belive that until I started writing this. Rogue wasn’t even meant to be in it, and the two of them definatly weren’t meant to go and share a sleazy fan-fic together! And, to his credit, Scott (even though I don’t like him) took the story in a completly different direction too. He was never on Dried frog Pills before (thank you Mr. Pratchett), and he wasn’t an idiot either. Nor was Marrow meant to destroy a teddy bear -- anyone who thinks this is cruel can complain to ex-Nick presenter Malcolm Bird who repeatedly hit toys over a table insisting that ‘It’s a stuffed toy, it doesn’t feel pain!!!!’. Malcolm was cool. Anyway, i had a lot of fun writing this, I hope you had as much fun reading it.