1. So your daughter's a hooker,
And it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
It's really good pay.
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2. My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire.
I noticed your cat. Sorry!
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3. You had your bladder removed
And you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers,
And a box of Depends.
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4. Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.
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5. Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it,
She moved in with me
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6. "Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder:
What the HELL was I thinking?"
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7. "Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your wife."
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8. "How could people as beautiful
as you two have such an ugly baby?"
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9. "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind."
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10. "I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you."
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11. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am
That you're not here to ruin it for me."
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12. "If I get only one thing for Christmas,
I hope it's your sister."
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13. "As you grow older, Mom, I think of
all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy..."
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14. "Thanks for being a part of my life
... I never knew what evil was before this!"
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15. "Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again."
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16. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
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17. "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!
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18. "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
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19. "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
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20. "We have been friends for a very long time, Let's say we call it quits."
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21. "I'm so miserable without you It's almost like you're still here."
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22. "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
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