By Bad Bard Zina Ze Zooter....

WARNING/DISCLAIMER:

Ok, confession time. I don't own these characters. Did I SHOCK you? I got the idea for this story from a comment written in the index of X.E.N.A.D.O.M's fanfic site about how unlikely a piece of fanfiction starting with 'Z' is. *G* Hint: Substitute the 'z's with 's's and this story may start to make sense. I sincerely doubt it though! Feedback of all constructive and worshipping kinds is most welcome and flamers will tell me to burn in hell...hmmm. That didn't come out right...

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"Zina ze zooter iz a godezz. Zina ze zooter iz zooooo zenzual!"

Gabrielle stared incredulously at the portly emcee who bore more than a striking resemblance to Salmoneus.

"Where the Hades does he come from?" she asked Meg. The curvaceous bruenette shrugged.

"Um, Nonamia I think. He's meant to be a real big shot too but let me tell you, blondie, my girls have already nicknamed him Short Stuff." Her high pitched giggle made Gabrielle want to cover her ears. "Anyway we needed a bard for my Petting Zoo and he was available. I'm paying him good honey." She snorted on her chortles. Gabrielle gave her a strange look.

"You mean money."

"Na, blondie, I mean honey." Meg collapsed against the bar in a fit of hilarity. Gabrielle's brow had furrowed in confusion when another thought occurred to her.

"Wait just a palopanesion minute! I'm a bard! Why didn't you ask me?!" Meg patted her frowning friend on the shoulder.

"Believe me, blondie, you are not that kinda bard. Nobody at my Petting Zoo wants to hear your stories."

"But he's telling stories about Xena!" protested Gabrielle, waving a hand towards the Salmoneus lookalike. "At least, I think he is. It's awfully hard to tell with that accent."

"Er well," Meg picked her nose with great deliberation, straining for a G rated explanation, G being for Gabrielle. "You know how your stories are all about Zina fighting people and killing people?"

"She doesn't do that very often," protested the bard. "Xena's changed."

"Yeah right," Meg rolled her expressive blue eyes. "Okey dokey, killing evil people." Gabrielle nodded in satisfaction. "Well lots of people want to hear more about the Warrior Princess' explorations."

"But I know them all!" protested the bard. "Even the ones before I met her."

"Ah but you don't use the right setting," proclaimed Meg as she triumphantly extracted her finger from her nose. "There's a big audience out there for Xena's explorations in the bedroom." Gabrielle's brow furrowed in confusion again.

"Xena doesn't sleep in a bedroom. We sleep on bedrolls, under the stars."

"Under the bedroll than!" exclaimed Meg, wondering if blondie was really as dense as she seemed. Gabrielle's brow furrowed.

"Audiences want to hear about Xena's dreams?"

"Tell me, blondie," began Meg conversationally. "How old are you? Eleven Season Cycles? Going on Twelve Season Cycles?" She clumsily ducked the fist that was promptly swung at her nose. "Look, blondie," began Meg earnestly. "What you need is an education. Why don't you stay here tonight and listen to Zalmoneuz' tale? I'll put you up in one of the stalls. I think Khrafstar got burned out last night." She giggled inanely. Gabrielle gave her another strange look and aquiesced with a nod.

She settled back to listen, accepting the cherry topped liquer Meg sent her way.

"What is it?" she asked, sniffing tentatively at the strong odour.

"A Nubian Nub," giggled Meg. "House favourite on Warlord/Slave night."

"You condone slaverly?" asked the bard in an outraged voice.

"In a manner of speaking and in a manner of beating," chortled Meg. Gabrielle gave her yet another strange look. Onstage, Zalmoneuz adeptly avoided several cherries being flung his way and launched into his story.

"I zing a zong of Zina ze zooter!"

"Huh?" whispered Gabrielle.

"Zina, the Suitor," explained Meg, stealing the distracted bard's cherry.

"Zina ze zooter lived in a time of ancient godz, warlordz and kingz.

When a entire harem of body zlavez cried out in needy fruztration, zhe waz there to lend a helping hand!

Zhe was Zina, a mighty princezz forged in the heat of a good fu..."

Meg hurriedly covered Gabrielle's ears.

"Ze power. It'z enough to make you come!"

"Come where?" wondered Gabrielle aloud. "This guy's really not making very much sense."

Meg lost it.

"Ze pazzion. Ze pazzion with which zhe takez her horze and fu..."

Meg hurriedly covered Gabrielle's ears again.

"Ze danger! Like a zerpant zlivering down your zpine az she fu..."

Meg clamped her hands back over an increasingly irrate bard's ears.

Her cun..."

Meg wondered if she should keep her hands over Gabrielle's ears permanently.

"...will change the world! And zatizfy it!" Gabrielle pushed Meg away and glowered at her.

"Stop that! I want to hear the story!" Meg shrugged and stirred her drink with a braided leather crop. Onstage, Zalmoneuz gestured expansively.

"Zina ze zooter waz very very zezy! Zina ze zooter waz all drummed up and ready to go! Zina ze zooter had juzt killed hundredz and thousandz of evil lecherouz godz, who kept running their evil lecherouz handz up and down and up and down and up and down her zoft zexy body."

Gabrielle nudged Meg conspiratorily and whispered, "I don't remember that happening. I think he's making it up."

"Just so long as he spices it up, blondie," grinned Meg.

"Zina ze zooter waz crazy with luzt. Zina ze zooter zaw ze naked buttockz of her travelling znatch rizing up out of ze waterz of ze lake. Zina ze zooter ztarted panting. Zina ze zooter cried out to Gabby ze bard who never zhuts up to open up and let her in!"

Gabrielle furrowed her brow. "Is he talking about me?" Meg labouriously cleaned the wax out of her ears.

"Nope, probably some other Gabby. As a matter of fact three of my girls are named Gabby the bard who never shuts up. It's very popular with my clients." Her blue eyes followed one of the said Gabbys progress across the room, hips swaying in a godslessly short skirt, ample breasts almost popping out of a shrunk bgsb. The Gabby disappeared into one of the private stalls, leading a goat behind her. Meg snickered. It looked as though Khrafstar had gotten horny again.

"Gabby zaid to Zina ze zooter, 'Zinz, I have never ever had zex or even zubtext except with my deceazed huzband, Perdicuz and an evil zteamy demon. If you want to zleep with me, you muzt be the bezt zooter I have ever had! You muzt bring me flowerz. You muzt only kill zixty timez a day maximum. And above all, you muzt not make me ride your horze!'

Zina zaid yez. Zo for weekz and weekz zhe waz very nice to everybody zhe met, in that zhe did not cut them into tiny piecez and at the zame time, zhe waz lezz nice to everybody zhe met, in that zhe did not zleep with them all like zhe uzually did."

Gabrielle glared at Zalmoneuz. "Xena does not sleep with everybody she meets!" she huffed to Meg. "She only sleeps with all her thousands of old aquaintances..." The barwench was staring at her in awe.

"You hotted up an evil steamy demon?"

"Yes, but naturally I was forced," admitted Gabrielle absently.

"Kinky," murmured Meg, gazing at the bard with newfound respect. Maybe she could convince Gabrielle to come work for her. "How are you with goats, Gabby?"

The bard gazed innocently back at her. "I like all barnyard animals. Well, I don't like horses much but I sure liked petting the sheep and goats on the farm where I grew up."

Meg continued to stare at her friend. "I thought you liked women." Gabrielle favoured her with another odd look.

"Of course I like women. Why wouldn't I like women? Why can't I like petting animals too? Look at Xena. She likes me and she likes Argo too. What's a girl to do?" "You can't compete with her horse?" burst out Meg in pure amazement. She had never pegged Gabby as such an understanding type. She briefly envisioned Argo, proudly cresting a hill, golden mane streaming in the wind, powerful flanks heaving with exertion. "I guess it really is hard to compete with that," she mused, sitting back with a dreamy smile. Gabrielle shrugged her shoulders, competely unable to understand Meg's side of the conversation.

Xena chose that moment to stride into the tavern. Half of the clientelle turned her way and started drooling. The other half headed for Meg's assorted stalls to take care of themselves. Gabrielle lit up like a propane-fueled firefly.

"Xena! Come and listen to this story." Meg blanched and choked on her Nubian Nub.

"NO! Zina wouldn't be interested in this kinda story. She hates hearing stories about herself, don'tcha, Zina? Why don't you two get a stall and have a roll in the hay instead?"

The warrior princess gave her lookalike a dire glare. Gabrielle gestured excitedly towards Zalmoneuz and tugged on Xena's breastplate. More bronzed cleavage slipped out and Meg quickly downed another Nubian Nub followed rapidly by two Nubian Nipples.

Zalmoneus had stopped talking and was fidgeting edgily, his eyes coming back again and again to rest on Xena's intimidating figure. The warrior arched an eyebrow at him.

"Salmoneus? What are you up to now?"

"He's up to the part where you promise me to stop sleeping around so much..." started the bard before she remembered to remind Xena, "his name's Zalmoneuz, Xena! With a 'Z'."

"And my name's Zina with a 'Z'" huffed the warrior, folding her arms over her ample assets, much to Meg's hastily drowned disappointment. "That's Salmoneus, Gabrielle. For Zeus' sake! Open your nostrils and smell the henbane!" Gabrielle looked from the sweating merchant to her warrior in dawning realisation. Finally she blurted out, "I didn't know you were a bard, Sal."

"That'z Zalmoneuz to you and I'll juzt be leaving you and your zooter alone now," wheezed the terrified man, backing out the window while keeping one wide eye on Xena's twitching chakram hand. Once outside he mopped his brow with an oddly familiar looking scrap of pea green material and continued on his philandering way. "That's the last time I listen to something I read in one of Gabby's scrolls," he muttered. "What sort of idiot claims that profit's not always measured in gold? Meg's girls need a better manager! Although that Madam Twanky sure could pull my strings..."

Finally alone in the honeymoon stall, Gabrielle entwined her legs around Xena's waist and kissed her warrior zealously. Between tongue strokes she gasped out, "Do you think they suspected anything?"

"Noooooo," moaned Xena, a tad smugly. "Nobody knows that we're lovers, my clever little thespian! It's the best kept secret this side of the century!" Somewhere in 1999, badbard, a notoriously rabid Xenite, sat glued to the television screen. Caught up in watching Xena re-runs, the layabout hadn't moved, washed or relieved herself in days. Crossing her knees for the umpteenth time, she stared at the duo screwing onscreen and muttered around a particularly ripe cherry, "I juzt love the Zubtext."

The End

must get back to the tv immediately.

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