Widows and Orphans...

Widows and Orphans

ColdDarkMatter

Disclaimer: The characters of Xena, Gabrielle, Ephiny, Solari and Epinon are copyright � MCA, Universal Pictures and Renaissance Pictures. Use of these characters in this fiction is not intended to infringe upon said copyright.

Content Warning: Angst and the darker side of human nature. This fanfic depicts violent rape and its aftermath. For those 21 and under, you know the rules by now, so move along. Does Xena really need Ares whispering in her ear about vengeance after Solan�s death? I don�t think so. She doesn�t need Ares help to be a monster.

Once Again: What happens in this story is brutal and is not for everyone. There are some who will hate me for writing this. But before Xena amended her ways she was a ruthless and savage human being�driven by lust and power. What could a person like this do when their only child is killed because of a betrayal? What, indeed�

Note: Sometimes evil must take a bow for its unyielding, retributive vengeance, and does so ever so gracefully.

Spoiler Warning: Maternal Instincts

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Take me back to the rivers of belief...

Demons.

There are those who think that the pits of Hades spawn unspeakable creatures whose sole purpose is to kill the spirit of humankind by piercing and ripping apart their bodies and minds. Up they come, from the darkness and ignorancece that is the underworld, rising like vomit from the earth. I've heard that they even spew from the recesses of the human soul, but I have to think on that. They do not come to persuade darkness, but are squalid and tenebrous themselves�promulgates of an unyielding and interminable and most wretched desire.

Desire, they say, is the mother of the evil, demure abominations. Their father? Pick any name and it will fit, every unclean thought will do. Any name can be given to those horrific powers that copulate with desire to bring about mayhem and ruin. I've seen such demons, which, being freed from dormant existence, come to abide in the most wretched of us. The black features of those soulless creatures will always send a shiver down my spine, causing my body to tremble.

The funeral pyres rage into the night and there is wailing and the gnashing of teeth. I am oblivious to it all�all except for her. Something terrible is brewing inside of her; I know it because I can feel it. It pours off of her in waves; it causes my heart to freeze inside me.

Take me back to the rivers of belief, my friend...

I have my own theory on those demons, of course. The demons are not spewed from the underworld; they do not come like the dead unborn�lifeless, and shriveled�into this world. They come from something far too chilling to ruminate on. You see, demons are not born from the realm of the gods, but from the arbitrariness that is the result of the living of life, and the aftermath of such living. Thoughts lead to actions, which, in turn, lead to events and ultimately to their consequences.

It is an easy formula to remember: This causes that.

Sometime, long ago, when that first fist arose to strike that first victim an unbroken chain of events, a dark flowering, was begun. It is unceasing in its quest for stark reciprocity. It's hunger for blood is never quenched. It is unmerciful to the poor and the wealthy. It devours widows and orphans.

I look inside my heart�

I was its victim eight days ago. Actually, her victim. I had seen her demons before, even at my expense, but never like that. They are truly ugly and feed on brutality. I never liked it when she allowed them to control her actions, and she tried so desperately in the past to spare me from their lust. But betrayal can change a woman. I know that. Change; hardly an adequate word for such a horrifying transformation. It was betrayal that changed her. My betrayal, and I paid for it in kind.

She wouldn�t look at me as the bodies were prepared for the pyres. I implored her with a longing look, but she ignored me. She was seething and I could tell a rage was upon her.

Funny how detached I feel from it all; Ephiny says it�s because of the trauma. At this point I don't care, as long as I'm not feeling it. If I allow myself to experience it I�ll slip into despondent insanity and never return. That I cannot afford to do, I have a nation to rule, lives to oversee�a heart to harden.

I look inside my soul...

Yesterday I was moved from our hospice to my private chambers. I remember the Regent and the Healer having a heated discussion over if I was ready for the move yet. Naturally, Ephiny was against it and then I heard Aithra declare she would never suggest moving the Queen if it would cause her undue pain. I remember looking at them and thinking that they reminded me of the chorus in Sophokles latest play; as if I were on stage observing their bantering without recourse of my own. Finally Eponin, Solari and Eurydike entered the room and I immediately felt better; I knew then that I would be going to my own rooms. If I had to stay in the hospice one more day I know I would have seriously hurt something, or someone. It was then, and only then, that I felt something. Something so wretched that I turned my head and vomited, I couldn�t help it. The feeling evoked a memory, and the memory was so horrific that my body wanted to literally throw up even itself.

I watched from afar as Ephiny tried to talk to her. She pushed the Regent away and stalked into the nearby trees. But before she was completely gone she turned and I saw her eyes. That look should have caused me to run, but at that point I was still na�ve, not anymore.

The healer cleaned up my mess and I turned to Ephiny and told her it was a good idea to put me in my own rooms. The pained look on her face touched my heart and a single tear fell from my eye. She was at my side in an instant, leaning over me, speaking softly and delicately stroking my face.

She wants to find Xena and kill her; that I can�t allow. I would rather die, which doesn�t seem like a bad thing right now.

So with the Royal Guard in tow I was put on a litter and moved to my dwelling space. The physical pain I was in must have been evident on my features because Ephiny dismissed the Guard and the other Amazons and pulled a chaise close to my bed. She looked at me and a silent communication passed between us. The young woman divested herself of armor and weaponry then dropped on the couch that she had so protectively brought over next to her Queen's bed. She would sleep next to me, I realized. She wasn't going to leave my side...she would always be there...she would never hurt me...she was not like her.

I promise you, I will return...

�I love you, Xena." With those words I rubbed the tears from my eyes and dragged by body to...

Where was I to go? Poteidaia? No.

I turned once again to look at her, but her face bore a masque of malevolent stone. Something in that particular look frightened me beyond anything else I've ever experienced. I slowly turned and headed into the forest to rest and think about my future. Damn, all my possessions were in Xena's saddlebags. I had no blanket or bedroll on which to recline my aching body. As I was just about to enter into the thicker woods I glanced around again and saw that the funeral pyres were still raging, but everyone had gone, including Xena. My body became rigid as a wave of fear overtook me. I know from years of traveling with her when I'm being watched. But this was different, this time I was being hunted and the simple thought of that caused the hairs on the back of my neck to rise.

I don't why I didn't run back to the village but instead I took off towards the stream that circumvented the village. Little did I know how that mistake would cost me. I don't know but maybe I thought that by following the water it would throw my scent off and I would be okay.

Take me back to the rivers of belief...

I passed through the thicket of bushes; the stream was so close.

Then it happened.

The blow that struck my jaw, causing a stream to blood, spun me around until I was grabbed by the shoulders and roughly slammed against the nearest tree, my head making contact with the thick bark. Through blurred vision I saw them--those eyes--as black and fiery as coals. Then she struck me in the stomach, which literally brought my last meal up and all over her. Her eyes widened momentarily before returning to flaming embers again. In one swift move she used her body to pin me against tree, her breast dagger pressed against my throat, drawing blood.

"Xena, I..."

"SHUT UP! YOU KILLED MY SON, YOU AMAZON BITCH!"

"What?"

"I said shut up!" She struck me in the face again, with the back of her left hand, whipping my head to the right.

My blood anointed the bushes and plants. I had not known terror until that moment. She pressed me harder against the tree and I knew my back was scratched and bleeding as well.

Take me back to the rivers of belief, my friend...

Her ragged breaths scorched my throat as she brought up her left hand up to grab my hair and yank my head back until it hurt. I knew what was coming and I prayed that she would break my neck instead.

"Did you think I'd let you get away with it? Is that what you thought?" She growled.

"Xena, please, don't do this." I was trembling.

"And why not? My son never even got a chance to know his mother!"

She was grinning at me now, the look of an alpha lion before it masticates the cubs of its predecessor. "And you, protecting Hope when you knew she was evil�s spawn? Ya know, I thought about killing ya...but then I realized what good would that do? Make you a martyr to the Amazon Nation? No Gabrielle, can't have that now can we? You can't suffer when your dead, can you? A dead body can't feel pain!"

How do you plead with a mother who has just lost her child? You can't appeal to reason, or loyalty and friendship, or even love. She grabbed the front of my top and savagely ripped it from my body, then threw me down on the damp ground. I wanted to scream, but I also wanted to live.

The pungent smell of decaying leaves and grass overwhelmed my senses, the soft trickling of the stream sounded like a raging river. Then she was on top of me, panting with rage. She drank of the blood still oozing from my mouth.

Without warning she lifted slightly to slap my face again and again, screaming, "How does it feel? How does it feel?"

I couldn't hold back any longer, the sobs wrenched from my throat. She lowered herself again and covered my mouth with her left hand. Her body spasms with rage...and something else. With her knees she spread my legs wide. Still pinning me in place with her weight, she reached with her right hand between our bodies and ripped my undergarment off and threw it into the river, with it went the last vestiges of my dignity.

She viciously thrust four of her fingers into me; her hand over my mouth stifled my screams of pain.

I look inside my heart�

Her whole body moved in rhythm as she raped me. She was sweating, when the drops fell to my skin it felt like burning rain. Her left hand over my mouth also helped her to keep my right arm pinned. But I could still strike out with my other hand. I managed to get a punch to her side, her rhythm momentarily broken. Her solution to my blow was simple and effective. Before I knew it she withdrew her fingers from me and unsheathed her sword. She shattered my free arm with a blow from the hilt.

I look inside my soul...

My stifled screams were now mixed with the tears that freely ran from my eyes. I do not remember how many times she raped me or what watch of the night it was. Then I saw it; the rage, which burned in her eyes, changed, and was joined with lust. Soon I began to feel it, dripping from her sex only to smear on my upper thigh. She withdrew her fingers and shifted her body slightly, spreading my legs even wider then moving her pelvis roughly against my own. She now pinned both of my arms by the wrist on either side of me. When she grabbed my broken arm I cried out only to be rewarded with another blow to the face. By now my left eye was swollen shut.

She pressed her hardened clit against my own and began to thrust wildly against me. I openly cried. She was taking her pleasure at my expense and it humiliated me worse than her prior invasion into me. Her head was thrown back, her hips thrusting in time to her grunting. She reached the point of no return and climaxed, howling into the air like a wolf.

Panting, she looked into my eyes at that moment and for a brief second I thought I saw Xena there, not the savage warlord, horrified at what she had just done. But just as quickly as I saw it, it vanished.

She spat on me and lifted herself off my body, kicking me in my right thigh. I doubled

over in pain into the fetal position and covered my eyes with my arms, sobbing, still bleeding from my mouth and now my vagina. My whole body wracked, sobbing, I looked at her just as she was wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

"Well, how do you like that, Gabrielle?" She said my name with disdain. "As the Romans say, quid pro quo, don't ya think?"

"I forgive you, Xena." That simple statement made her furious, she lashed out with a foot to my back. I yelped but refused to let it completely break my spirit. She wickedly laughed and turned around, walking away from me...

I don't know how or who found me, but I awoke in the Healer's hut five days ago. I turn my head and look at Ephiny, who by now is fast asleep just as I should be. The medicinal herbs have done nothing to lessen the pain between my legs--some places of the body should never have to be stitched up. But my eye at least didn't hurt anymore. My soul grieved not only for myself but also for her. My pain is multi-layered--for me, the Nation, Ephiny, her--and I do not know where to take that pain. I cannot throw it away because it is mine.

Sighing, I think upon her life and realize just how tragic it all is. For a woman of only thirty winters she has experienced a lifetime of betrayal and ruination, maybe more than five lifetimes. Knowing her, as I do, allows me to forgive her, at least for now in my mind. Someday my soul, I hope, will do the same.

I'm reaching out to you�

I intuitively know I will see her again. After everything she did to destroy me�body and soul�I still loved her. I pray that my love for her will eventually reach beyond time and space and touch her, bringing her back to the imperturbable and caring world we had so delicately created for one another.

Until we're dead�

My eyelids are closing and I must sleep. I will live one day at a time, slowly putting the broken pieces of my shattered life back together. I know I can't do it alone. For now I lean on my dear friend, Ephiny. I will let her care for me because she is good for me, and I know she wouldn't have it any other way. But when I look at her, feel her soothing touch, my thoughts turn to another...

We'll rest in peace,

On my rivers of belief...