DISCLAIMER:

WARNING:

*******

It's pretty damn boring being a god. In case you haven't noticed, we're pathetic creatures. We live forever but never achieve anything worthwhile. We squabble, squander and live in squallor even while we're living in marble halls. Then we demand that the mortals bow down and worship us, like we're worth worshipping! We're not.

My name's Artemis by the way, Artemis: goddess of the hunt. I'm more pathetic than my pathetic sibblings, belive it or not. I skulk around my holy forest, avoiding everybody and murdering fluffy bunnys. I'm also the patron goddess of the Amazons but I haven't visited them in years. To tell you the truth, they scare me. A large group of big butchy women with rippling muscles, ruffled feathers and an extra helping of attitude? Not my cup of ambrosia.

You're wondering if all the gods feel this way? Oh by no means! I don't get on well with my family and I sure as Hades don't understand them. Take Ares for starters. He's so full of hot air, it's a miracle he hasn't blown a hole out the back of his tight leather pants. Then there's my sister, Aphrodite. That slut is always on the job. She never lets up and she certainly never gets up. You think I'm just jealous, don't you? Maybe I am. But you're not the one who has to go around shooting bunnys for the thrill of it all. And I'm not the one who gets to model the earliest version of the bikini. Just as well as I don't have the figure for it.

I was hardly surprised when I finally got so bored that I beamed myself up out of the holy hunting forest onto Olympia. My last visit had been about a century ago so some of my family had trouble recognising me. I groaned out loud when I saw Ares swagger into view. That pompous hunk still hadn't changed out of those tight leather pants. Call me a schizoid mortal, but I really think hygine is important.

"Hey, sweet cheeks," drawled the war god, leering at my butt. "You're new in Paradise and I'm just the one to show you how it's done."

"It's me, Artemis, your sister," I hissed. He blinked a couple times and shrugged.

"Like I said, Sis, I'm just the one to show you how it's done. You must get very frustrated, what with you being the Virgin Goddess."

"I knew this visit was a bad idea," I muttered, striding away from him in disgust. "I hate it here!" An annoyingly high pitched giggle floated over my shoulder and I turned around reluntantly. Aphrodite. In fluffy pink person.

"Hey, sweet cheeks," she giggled, while craning her neck to get a look at my butt. "I know the way to Elysia. Wanna Party?"

"It's me, Aphrodite, your sister," I hissed, rolling my eyes. She put a finger in her mouth and batted her lashes.

"Like, welcome home, Sis! Like, it's so good to see you again we should, like, get it on together. Mondo cool!"

The offer was tempting, I admit. Her body, mostly revealed in all its glory, was making my body very willing. The pink gauze did nothing for me however and reminded me of cute little bunnys with gauzy pink bows, the kind my idiot followers leave in my temples. Feely faintly sick, I shimmered elsewhere. ' Dite didn't even notice. She was too busy exclaiming over some pale pink bubble wrap an avid mortal had strewn over her altar.

Suddenly I heard a very far off and slightly tinny voice screeching my name with a raw desperation. Normally I would've ignored this plea for help, like I usually do, but I was seriously bored at this point so I beamed on over. Finding myself on a treacherous precipice, I leaned over and looked down into a lava bed. A pair of fiendishly gleaming white eyes met mine. I leaned back and allowed myself to shiver. What a demented looking weirdo.

"Who in bloody Tartarus are you?" snarled the lava lady. I thought about my options. Should I tell her I came to gawk? Probably not.

"I'm Artemis. You called?" It sounded good. I preened a little. Then I considered the century or so I'd sat around my forest thinking up comebacks and I deflated slightly.

"It's about bloody time!" she screeched. "I've been screaming for you to get your godly butt over here for the last ten years!"

"I'm a busy goddess," I lied. "I can't cater to the whims of you. Who are you by the way?" Her bulging white cataracts nearly bugged out of her head at that.

"I'm Velasca! Queen of the Amazons! New goddess of the Amazons!"

I rocked back on my heels and tried to process that. It took a fair bit of processing. Was I dealing with a lunatic? More importantly, could she hurt me? If so, she could jolly well cool her rear end in the lava for eternity. I don't particularly like being a god but I am much too wimpy to risk not killing the required bunny every now and again. It's in my contract.

I decided to sneak away quietly. I was about two paces down the track when I remembered that I was a goddess. We don't sneak, we beam. I beamed. Winding up in one of my few temples, I decided to nose around. My statue looked nothing like me but on the other hand it had a figure like, well, like Aphrodite. I wasn't complaining! I ran an eye over the offerings. Three fluffy bunnys with pink bows, two sets of jackalope antlers and a partridge in a pear tree. I have no idea what the bumbling idiot who planted the tree in my temple was thinking. I don't like trees, though my forest is unfortunately full of them. They give the birds an opportunity to get the drop on me.

Then I saw it. A torn off scrap of scroll tucked into one of the bunny's bows. Plucking it out, I unfolded it carefully and perused the contents. This is what I read.

Deer Artemis, (that was a joke!)

Hi, it's me, Gabrielle of Potadeia. Just in case you're still unsure, I'm your Amazon Queen. I have to wonder if you'll ever read this. Somehow I doubt it. No disrespect, but you've never helped me before and there were times I really really needed you. Like when Velasca was trying to kill me or when Xena was. So I don't have any great hope that you'll help out now but I can't think of what else to do or who else to turn to. I have feelings for Xena. You do know who Xena is, right? That infamous warrior who I follow around the countryside? She's changed. She fights for good now. Anyway, these feelings are getting stronger and I just can't contain them anymore. I am just so scared that she'll leave me when she finds out. We've been through so much and I know she loves me deeply but she's never showed that she wants me in that way and a part of me fears that she would leave me, unable to look me in the eye, having been betrayed by me in this one trust. It took so long for her to trust me again that I just can't do that to her. I don't know what you can do but you are a goddess and I'm going to put my faith in the gods this one last time.

love Gabrielle

I had to smile. There was love in this little note, more love than I had ever encountered before in my thousands of lifetimes. This Gabrielle was right too, I would never help her, I was much too lazy for that. Re-reading the note I shook my head, more than a little confused at the sketchy details of events that I had no idea had taken place. Before I realised what I was doing, I was beaming along the essence trail left by the note's author. When I popped into a clearing to find two gorgeous women heavily involved in each other, atop a single bedroll, nobody was more surprised than me.

"Who in Hades are you?" growled the leather-clad warrior, springing to her feet in a heartbeat, complete with sword and round killing thing. I stared at her in something approaching fascination. I couldn't be sure for I had never been fascinated before. Heavy panting attracted my attention. A compact blond woman knelt on the bedroll, completely naked. Now I was fascinated.

"Gabrielle?" I asked, glancing quickly from one to the other and back again. I wished it was within my godly powers to oggle them both simultaneously. I backed away slowly, one fearful eye on the warrior who looked like she was about to dice me for a stew and one lustful eye on the gloriously naked woman gracing the bedroll.

"I'm Gabrielle," volunteered the naked one, pulling up a handy blanket to cover herself, much to my disappointment. I gazed at her, taking in the lustrous short golden-red locks, the dimples, the rising flush to her rounded cheeks, loosing myself in the emerald depths of her eyes. A warm pulsing began at my centre.

"You're so cute!" I burst out, unable to contain myself. Something bit cruelly into my throat and whizzed out the other side but I barely noticed. I did notice though when Gabrielle's jaw dropped. I followed her eyes to find the round killing thing buried in the tree behind me.

"An immortal," snarled the warrior, marching over to retrieve her weapon. She sounded put out. Enviously I watched as Gabrielle moved over to curl herself around her bedmate.

"Calm down, Xena," she whispered, rubbing her knuckles up and down the warrior's chisseled cheek.

"I'm Artemis," I volunteered, in a rather selfish bid to get Gabrielle's attention focused back on me. I waved the note at her. "You wrote?" That cute little face relaxed into a cute little grin.

"I did. But that was a long time ago." She ran a loving thumb over Xena's lips. They parted. Steamy emerald eyes went from Xena's lips to me. "Problem solved."

"So I see," I muttered, wishing that I'd gotten there a lot sooner. If only I'd arrived back when the problem was in full bloom and Gabrielle was in need of some loving comfort...

"Thank you for coming." Her voice was so warm and sincere that I began to feel distinctly guilty. I tried not to think about my impure intentions and even impurer thoughts. Guilt trips should sell their tickets exclusively to the mortals as far as I'm concerned.

"Now you'd best be on your way," suggested Xena. I wondered if she always sounded that eager. "You must be so busy, doing whatever it is that you do, doing whatever it is that is so very important you can't even lend a helping hand to your own chosen." If I'd been concentrating on what the warrior was saying, the words might have cut through me like daggers, as was no doubt intended. But I was too busy imagining myself lending a helping hand to my chosen.

"I've been busy," I offered lamely. I stared longingly at my Amazon Queen. The blanket was slipping revealing some plentiful cleavage. Sometimes being the Virgin Goddess really sucks. And not in a good way. I sighed and felt sorry for myself. Xena rolled her eyes and muttered something about going fishing. Then she bent and whispered something in Gabrielle's ear. I watched through hooded eyes as her tongue flickered over the lobe. With a last glare at me she stalked away.

Gabrielle smiled at me and dropped the blanket. I gasped. Suddenly I couldn't breathe. Wondering dimly if immortals needed to breathe, I figured I would find out soon enough. Gabrielle padded across the clearing towards me, her smoothly rounded hips swaying suggestively. I almost had a heart attack. Really. I didn't even know I had a heart until it almost pounded its way out of my chest.

"So you're the Virgin Goddess," she husked, stopping just out of arm's reach. Her eyes were blazing green furnaces now, hot and hungry. "When I first became an Amazon, do you know what they taught me?" I was fixated on her moving lips, wetting my own unconsciously.

"N...no."

"They taught me to serve my goddess. To do her bidding. To honour her every wish. You are my goddess." Her hands swept up to cup her own creamy breasts. My hands flexed in wanton need to take their place. Her burning eyes captured mine again. "Is there something you desire?"

"You." It was perhaps the first time in my existance that I had told the truth. When you're a god, telling lies is the thing to do, if only to create cunundrums to relieve the boredom. I wasn't bored now. In fact, I've never been capable of boredom since. Not with that timeless moment and an eternity to relive it in.

"As my goddess commands," she bowed her head gracefully, her short golden tufts coming just within grasp. My hands were buried in her hair before I knew what had come over me, closing over silken strands and guiding her to me. Tilting her head up gently, I covered her lips with my own. I became lost. Her lips were so very soft and urgent against mine, like nothing I had known before or guessed existed. I felt alive. Blood pumped fiercely through my veins.

"Sweet Artemis," she moaned against me and I felt her velvety tongue slick over my lips once and again, questing for entrance. My lips parted of their own accord and her honeyed tongue slipped within to explore more extensively. About this time I relunctantly admitted to myself that I had a desperate need for air. I pulled away with aching relunctance, gasping like a landed fish. The air seemed stagnant after breathing of this mortal's life. Gabrielle simply attached herself to my neck like a limpet. Raking her teeth across tender pulse points, she moved down to swathe her tongue over the nape of my neck. My knees were about to buckle when Ares flashed into the clearing.

"Why, hellooo, sweet cheeks!" Standing behind the bard, he took his time, admiring all that the view had to offer. "I thought you were the Virgin Goddess," he shot at me, almost as an afterthought.

"I'm cheating," I admitted. "Take a hike, Ares. Xena's down by the river." Ares' eyes widened as visions of the warrior bathing, danced through his head. He beamed off while I sank to my knees with a groan, Gabrielle tugging desperately at the ties of my deerskin crop top. If her nails sank into my back more than once during the unveiling, you didn't hear me complaining. You did hear me sighing and moaning though. Alot.

Once my breasts were freed from their centuries-old confinement, my queen arched up and pressed her own bossom full against mine, rubbing her crisp nipples over my own. I too moved into the delicious contact, feeling my nipples grow rock hard, crying out in ecstacy when her hands came up to pinch and play with them. She made a soft wonderful sound and would have leaned forward to take one in her mouth but for my sudden need to show her what a goddess can do for a mortal. I brought my hands up to grasp her upper arms and pushed her down on the bedroll.

Gabrielle lay there quietly and gazed up at me, eyes smoky, parted lips slightly bruised. I ran my fingernails lightly over her heaving breasts, relishing the myriad of sensations. Her nipples were so hard yet pliable, her soft mounds were like cloud-stuff and moved easily in the direction of my motions. I lay myself down on top of her, watching her watch me. Kissing one of her begging nipples, I pushed my soft center against her muscular thigh, feeling moisture seep out of me onto her. Feeling her own wetly slick hairs rubbing across my stomach was driving me crazy with lust. Every breath I struggled to draw brought her sweet salty scent to me.

Her hands were in my hair, holding me close as I nipped and suckled at her breasts like a starving infant. Licking the beaded sweat as it slipped its way down between her rising and falling breasts, I followed the dusting of light hairs down until I was positioned over her well defined abdomen. Shifting in the day's fading light, her muscles moved and rippled in what seemed to me to be my invitation. My tongue ran along the sharp lines, taking the time to press teasingly against squares of resistance, feeling muscles push back reflexively against me.

I spent long moments cleaning out Gabrielle's belly button. It needed special attention. Then my queen's persistant hands were pushing me further down, even as her hips bucked upwards, trying to find me of their own accord. Relenting, I rubbed my cheek blissfully against the damp thatch of golden hair that sheltered her treasure. "You are everything I could wish for in a queen," I sighed.

"I mmmm haven't proven that ahhh yet," she managed to get out between moans. Two can play the teasing game. Holding her hips steady, I positioned myself and without warning delved my tongue deep into her well. I was immediately lathered in her juices. Ambrosia doesn't even come close. I'm a goddess and I know these things. With soft, inarticulate cries she moved against me, encouraging me to move inside her. I stroked my tongue up and down, feeling her clenching walls, engrossed in the intimacy of this kiss.

After long moments of feasting I withdrew my tongue slowly until only the tip rested inside her. Her feeble groans of protest died when I raked my top teeth down over her swollen nub. It pulsed against me. "Oh gods," cried Gabrielle, arching up off the bedroll. Her fingers clenched, her body spasmed and she burst forth, screaming Xena's name to the heavens. But I was the one who got to lick up all the aftermath of her passion for me and I was well content. I had barely recovered from my near escape from drowning when my queen's strong hands half pulled, half guided me up her body to devour her own juices in the most ravenous of kisses.

"Time to prove my worth," she whispered. My mind almost overloaded just from the conotations of her words. Next thing I knew, a powerful hand had closer around my throat and hoisted me high in the air. Xena had arrived on the scene.

"You think you can show up in Gabrielle's life after all this time and have her do homage to you? What a big mistake."

I gulped. I may be immortal but this Xena woman seemed mighty dangerous to me. Not to mention in a foul mood which probably had something to do with me sending Ares over to spy on her fishing. Or it could have had something to do with me sending Gabrielle over the edge just heartbeats earlier. Maybe.

"Nobody touches Gabrielle but me," snarled the warrior throwing me down onto the newly vacated bedroll. I landed on my back with a thud, wheezing even as I struggled to sit up. I never got that far. Xena straddled me as a matter of course, planting her hands on my shoulders and pressing me flat against the unresisting ground. For the first time I noticed Gabrielle kneeling near my head. She had a wicked grin on her beautiful face. Too late I realised she wasn't the kindly type she seemed.

"Did she touch you, Gabrielle?" asked the warrior harshly. Her glower never once left my face. I had broken out into a cold sweat. I hoped that my queen was one helluva convincing liar.

"Yep," answered Gabrielle cheerfully. "Artemis made me come, Xena."

I closed my eyes, awaiting my imminent death. So this is how I'm thanked, I thought grouchily. I actually give a mortal some satisfaction and she tells all at the first opportunity. Should've gagged her when I had the chance.

"Did you touch her, Gabrielle?" demanded the warrior. I opened my eyes. Apparently death could take awhile. The jealous lover's inquisition was well underway.

"Once or twice," decided the little chatterbox, tapping her finger on her chin in an effort to remember details. "She's still the Virgin Goddess if that's what you're asking, Xena."

"Indeed," murmured the warrior in a downright sexy voice. I stared up at her and almost had a heart attack. Again. There was a feral glint in her chilly blue eyes that sent a white-hot spidery spark of lightening racing straight down into my core. Although Xena continued her conversation with my queen, those icy blue eyes never left mine.

"She touched you, Gabrielle? She licked you and suckled you and tasted you?"

"She sure did, Xena."

"I can't let her get away with that. I'll have to punish her."

"Good idea, Xena!"

"I'll have to lick her up and down, devour her, taste and take all she has to offer so that she can understand that I am the only one worthy of giving you pleasure, my bard."

"Glad you finally figured that out, my warrior. I love you so much."

Huh? My eyes tracked between the two. What exactly was going on here?

"Tie her up please, Gabrielle."

Huh? I began to struggle but Xena is a heavy girl. Strong too. She held me relatively still with enviable ease as Gabrielle wrapped a whip securely around my wrists and pulled tight. Securing the free length around the base of a nearby tree she grinned and watched while I made sure to test her knots. At Xena's gesture she moved around to tug off my boots and pull down my skirt and breeches. I gasped reflexively as the cool air met my heated skin, followed quickly by the moist heat of the warrior sitting astride me. I realised that she wasn't wearing any breaches under that leather skirt. That must make fighting difficult, I mused. Then again, maybe it distracts the enemy. Like those eyes aren't distraction enough...and then there's that breastplate with those dangerous breasts! Am I in lust? Or am I in lust?

"I like this," purred Xena towering over me. Her hips rocked suggestively. I liked it too. Very much. "Tell me something, Artemis,"she ordered. "How does it feel to be so powerful and suddenly be powerless?" I glanced pointedly at my queen who was nibbling happily on my toes and pointed out, "you would know." Xena's icy blue eyes widened in comprehension. She scowled pentuantly. Gabrielle bit down on my toes. The irrate warrior raked blunt nails through the soaked hairs of my throbbing triangle. "Oh I'm going to enjoy this very much," she husked, studying the thin red lines left in her fingers' wake.

"I've had virgins before. I've had goddesses. But you'll be the first Virgin Goddess." Her eyes were so very wicked. Shivering, I made a crack to lessen the tension building inside of me.

"No wonder. It's impossible to find a virgin among that lot. You've had goddesses before? Then you've had sluts."

"Xena..." whispered Gabrielle, abandoning my toes to drape herself over her warrior's broad shoulders.

"I only love you, my bard," murmured the warrior, lifting her hands from me to take my queen's hands in hers and press kisses against them. "Do you want me to take this Virgin Goddess for you?" Gabrielle buried her nose in Xena's night-dark hair.

"Only if I get to watch," she chuckled, lustful green eyes fixated on my breasts. Hiding in my holy forest all those years had been a big mistake. If all mortals were like this, I had been missing out! Making up for lost time was topping my list of priorities. Actually it was the only thing on the list at that point.

"You get to help," decided the warrior, gesturing towards her saddlebag. Her hands came down again to twine in the thick covering of downy hair sheltering my centre. Twitching in extreme frustration I tried to twist my head to discover Gabrielle's object. A powerful hand clamped around my chin and hot hungry lips began to devour mine own. I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, was helpless under the intensity of that kiss. My eyes flew open in shock and stared straight into the searing blue of a flame's heart. Gasping, I breathed in air that had been life breath to another. A warm salty tongue invaded my mouth with predatory ease and stretched out within with carnal satisfaction. I battled the invader with my own tongue and was pushed aside and held down with slippery strength. I was awed. I was ready to worship Xena. My opportunity wasn't lax in coming.

Xena's lips released me and her magical tongue flickered back into her own beautiful mouth. I think I heard her hiss. Before I could recover from that onslaught, Gabrielle was leaning over me, breasts swaying before my suddenly hazy gaze, perky nipples smirking down at me. I strained up against Xena's warm weight, trying desperately to capture those little pink schemers' in my hungry mouth. Just as I came within a stretched tongue of achieving my goal, something cold and heavy snapped securely over my own right nipple, causing a breathy cry to escape my throat. Twin sensations of pleasure and pain assaulted me, leaving my head twisting from side to side in helpless delight, seeing first Gabrielle's right nipple slide over my field of vision, than her left.

"Now the other one!" Xena instructed her lover, her voice a low eager growl. Gabrielle's vivid emerald eyes were bright as she playfully held a long silver nipple clamp up where I could view it. I groaned deep in my throat, seeing her hold it close to her own nipples, brushing the chilled metal over them with pleasure. She leaned down to bestow a sweet kiss upon my aching lips, capturing my left nipple deftly, when I least expected it. Moaning against her I tugged at my bonds helplessly, unable to think of anything but relieving the growing pressure between my thighs, with my own hands if need be.

Nothing happened for a moment, which seemed to stretch out and fill up forever. My eyes snapped open to see Gabrielle positioned over my face, her thigh muscles braced as she lowered herself tantalisingly, over my desperately seeking tongue. Sun sweetened juices began dripping down into my thirsting mouth, sliding hotly down my throat. My queen was on her hands and knees now, bringing her swollen folds to bear against my bruised lips with a frustrating slowness. Gods, how I wanted her. I never needed anything until that perfect moment. I looked up into Elysia's gateway and saw Xena leaning lightly on her lover's back, watching me with a look caught somewhere between envy and longing. Then she disappeared.

I felt her a mere heartbeat later, running something cold, sharp and distinctly dagger-shaped over the swollen throbbing that had become my whole world.

"Don't cut me!" I yelped, hastily slurping up more of the precious drops slowly assaulting my senses. Xena reappeared draped over Gabrielle's back, dangling a breast dagger between finger and thumb. Her arctic eyes were more frigid than I had ever seen them, which was saying something. Brows arched, eyeballs rolled and she spat out one contemptuous word,

"Please!" Maybe she's, like, a big knife expert , I mused as she disappeared from view again. Then I felt the knife's edge move lightly between my folds and a raging fear coursed over my heated body, pooling in my centre. "Sweet me!" I gasped, ordering my rebellious hips to stay still. It wasn't easy. Gabrielle's sticky sweetness was coating my lips and I arched upwards, unable to control myself, even in exchange for my safety. One instant the knife was tracing an intricate design over my most delicate skin, the next it had vanished. I heard it land some distance away and that wicked warrior chortling triumphantly. Sucking in a big sigh of relief along with a delicious helping of Gabrielle's molten ambrosia to boot, I congratulated myself on surviving.

Gabrielle was just beginning to rock steadily above me when I felt a brand new sensation. Something warm and wet, tough and infinitely tender was dancing over my passion-soaked folds. Xena is touching me...down there, I realised. Nobody had dared that before. I was the Virgin Goddess. It was in my contract. No sex. Did I mention that being a goddess sucks? But now this warrior was practically chucking her own orgy and scarfing all the wine for her greedy self. My queen echoed my thoughts.

"Hey oooh leave mmmm some ahhhh for unghh me," she mumbled indignantly. After that any protests she made were incoherent. Meanwhile I arched up into Xena's roving tongue, begging for and receiving the closing nip of her strong white teeth on emminently feastable flesh. My own tongue moved in tandem with my hips, stroking Gabrielle up, down and every which way, in a desperate effort to bring both of us some satisfaction. It wasn't exactly forthcoming.

The warrior had my pulsating nub between her teeth and seemed to be attempting to pull it out of its crevice. "Gods!" I shrieked, burying my tongue deep inside of Gabrielle for solace. Liquid ambrosia dribbled down my chin as I tried to keep purchase on my queen's furiously twisting hips. Hands would have come in handy right about then. Xena was going at me like a puppy with a new chew toy and I was beginning to understand why my sibblings spent eternity screwing each other. If they were half as adept as these two love-bunnys...

Xena growled something into my depths, her instructions vibrating against my sensitised skin. I distinctly caught the word 'come'. How could I ignore an order like that? An ocean was building inside of me, gathering at the walls of a dam, threatening to burst forth, lapping up against that flimsy barricade again and again until my queen arched and stiffened above me and those oceans surged forth, one sea swirling against another in a primal fight for dominance, stars shooting before my wide open eyes, searching for new world's to bring to life, a scream of freedom tearing from my throat. It made immortality more than worth it. It brought tears to eyes which had never cried. It brought love to a heart which I hadn't known I had.

Gabrielle collapsed off to one side, sucking air in through her nostrils and whimpering Xena's name. The warrior was at her side in a moment, enveloping her in a bear hug. I watched and smiled and trembled and cried. My queen broke from her warrior's grasp and curled up on my left side, carefully releasing the nipple clamps and playing idly with my aching nipples. I felt Xena freeing my hands and heard her moving around out of sight in the gathering darkness. Then to my utter shock, a now gloriously naked warrior settled down on my right using a powerful bracered arm to re-arrange my unresisting body so I was nestled back against the magnificence of her bossom. Gabrielle snuggled forward to tuck herself under my chin, reaching over me insistantly to cradle both a goddess and a warrior in her arms.

"Hey, Xena, how the Hades do you wake up a goddess?" I blinked open one eye, received a blinding flash of sunlight to inform me that morning had arrived and threw my elbow over my face with a groan.

"Dunno, Gabrielle. I didn't think goddesses even went to sleep."

"We don't," I mumbled, wondering why I was trying so hard to go back to what was apparently sleep. Sleep is a great institution. And the sleep of the sexually sated is the most satisfying of all. Since then I've enjoyed that second kind of sleep at every opportunity. I still do my duty as a goddess, mind you. I hunt. But I've discovered a loophole! Nowhere in my contract does it say that I have to hunt only bunnys. These days I chase naked nympths, screaming and giggling through my holy forest.

"She's harder to wake up then you are, my bard. I thought that was impossible!" "Oh hardy har har, Xena, you're funny. Your wit is so cutting I sometimes wonder why you bother with weapons."

"Do you want these cherries or not, Gabrielle?"

"Yes! Ooomph yum, mmmm, these ish greatsh! Gotsh any moresh? I'm soooo hungrysh."

A suspicious silence. I rubbed my eyes and peeked through my fingers. Warrior and bard were nowhere to be seen but a nearby bush had taken on a life of its own. Leaves rustled, branches shimmied and deep grunting noises emanated from its leafy core. I took the opportunity to snag the remaining cherries. Goddesses don't eat either by the way but I was sick to death of ambrosia. There's only so many ways to serve up red jello. Sitting there, munching on cherries and watching the bush hump the ground madly, I was struck by a terrible thought. My goddesshood! My contract! I was the Virgin Goddess. Or at least I had been. Had frenzied b&d stolen my immortality from me? Reaching down and snaking a finger inside myself while keeping an eye on that bush and picturing naked warriors with knives and hungry amazon queens to give me added incentive, I prodded around curiously.

"Don't worry, you're still a virgin," revealed Xena, emerging from the bush and slicking down her unruly mane unsuccessfully. She strode towards where the berries had been then skidded to a halt and swung back around. "I have many skills," she added smugly. I ran the back of my hand across my lips vigorously to remove telltale cherry juice stains and nodded like a woodpecker. Xena smirked and turned back towards the vanished berries. She spun around again. I tensed. "For now anyway. Someday I have to reveal the extent of my many skills to you." I nodded eagerly. To Tartarus with immortality. Sex with the Warrior Princess touched my soul so much more. Among other places.

"Visit any time," huffed my queen, moving stiffly out the foliage. "I've got alot of queenly duties to catch up on." Xena rolled her blue eyes and scanned the clearing for the missing berries. I decided it was time to part. But I would soon be coming again. I ran over to Gabrielle, smooshed my lips against hers and blinked away just as I heard an enraged warrior yell, "Where're my cherries? Gabrielle, get those cherries over here this damn instant!"

With visions of Gabrielle's cherries dancing through my head I reappeared on Olympus. It was time to blow my own trumpet. Catching sight of Ares and Helios engaged in a little weaponless swordplay I beamed on over. "Hey, Ares. What's up?"

Grunt

"Helios! How's it hanging?"

Pump

"I've just been to see Xena!"

Grunt

"And Gabrielle!"

Pump

"Xena said she was going to screw you over, Ares. Right after she does chakram practice on Helios' surfboard."

Grunt

"Did I mention that we all had us some great sex?"

Pump

"Have you ever thought that maybe none of us are really here, we only think we're here and this is all an illusion designed to make us think that we think we are really here? Only we're not? No? Well have you ever thought about doing the deed with a little more imagination? Obviously not." I threw up my hands in disgust as my brothers disengaged and engaged in some hefty shoulder thumping.

"Thanks, bro. It's been fun."

"Yeah, gotta surf now. Hang loose."

My disgust only heightened as Helios disappeared in a golden flash. So much for my discovery of sex. My brothers had left no impression on me. I had to wonder, what had made Gabrielle and Xena so different? Apart from them being women that is.

"You said something about Xena, sweet cheeks?" prodded Ares, zipping up his leather pants. I rolled my eyes and blinked away. I needed the solitude of my holy hunting grounds. I needed to think. Before long I found myself cross legged in a shady clearing, remembering the delights of the previous evening and the light which had illuminated my sorry existance. A bunny hopped into my lap and I cuddled it absently. I knew my queen loved that big bad warrior with all of her heart. Somehow her heart was big enough to love me too. I didn't really understand the whys or hows. I didn't need to. Underneath my immortality I was all too human. Someone out there cared about me and that was all that mattered.

The next day I was back to my usual skulking around my forest, only this time I had my sights fixed on a certain tree spirit who turned a lovely shade of green e verytime I so much as raised my pointy arrows in her direction. I had scheduled in a visit to Amazonia, though with any luck I'd find some pathetic excuses to put the appearance off for as long as possible. Then it crossed my mind that Xena might have taught some of her skills to Gabrielle's people and it might be worth my while to attend an Amazon temple service. Maybe the priestesses would do service to me. All at the same time! "Maybe I could milk this whole god status a little more," I mused aloud.

Unwittingly a vision of Gabrielle lowering herself over me appeared before my mind's eye and I sighed and slumped against a handy tree. Maybe we gods weren't worthy of the mortals' worship now but it didn't have to stay that way. I turned a sardonic 'Warrior Princess' grin on the cowering tree spirit and blinked off to visit the amazons. I had already braved one big butchy woman. Granted there were no ruffled feathers to contend with...

The End