By White Traishe Pretend...



Author�s Preface:
I haven�t felt inspired to finish this little piece but no sense just having it sit around on my hard drive. So read it if you want to. It�s a timely story and meant to help ease the long wait for the new fifth season.

 

(This story picks-up where "Ides of March" leaves off.)

X: Gabrielle�

G: Xena, are we dead?

X: Duh, why else would I be wearing these billowing sheets.

G: I can't believe it, it's so cliché.

X: I know, I know, try not to let it bother you. It's just temporary, I mean they have to bring us back don't they?

G: Yeah, of course. We always come back. But how?

X: Hmm, time reversal. A supernatural event. Or maybe Amarice will come back and cut us down and give us CPR.

G: Would you stop obsessing over Amarice, that's not going to happen. -- How did you get off the cross last time?

X: M'lila.

G: Hmm, I guess that's not going to happen again.

X: Nope.

They hover in silence for awhile.

G: Why are we still hovering here? Isn't something supposed to happen. Aren't we supposed to go to paradise or the Elysian Fields or something?

X: I think so.

G: This sucks.

X: Well, there is something we could do. You can feel me, right?

G: Yeah.

X: Let's make out.

G: Okay.

A long make-out session begins.

Suddenly Calisto appears.

C: Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. That's no way to get into heaven, ladies.

X: Calisto, can't you leave us the fuck alone for once!

C: Uuuh? No. Besides I'm not here of my own volition. I'm on a mission for my Lord. See it turns out I didn't really need to bother turning you from your way, your other sins are more than enough to do the trick. And it's my job to escort you back with me, TO HELL! Ah ha ha ha, ah ha ha ha!

Calisto grabs Xena's arm and starts to pull her along.

G: Xena?

C: Oh, don't worry blondie, you're coming too.

G: Oh no, it's because I killed all those Roman soldiers trying to protect Xena, isn't it?

C: No, that was self-defense, moron. You're going to hell for the same reason your sweetheart here is going. Latent homosexuality and lesboeroticism! Ah ha ha ha, ah ha ha ha!

X: What?! We're not lesbians. We've never even kissed--in our own bodies.

C: Please, Xena, everyone in the world thinks you're lesbians. You're a lesbian icon for Christ's sake. Even if you're not "technically" lesbians, they can't hardly let you into heaven with all that lesbian aura about you, think of the rumours it would start.

Xena turns to Gabrielle who is crying.

X: I'm sorry Gabrielle, I thought we were just having fun you know. Teasing the audience, giving them a little eye candy here and there, making the show work on so many different levels. I didn't know . . . I never wanted this to happen.

G: It's okay, Xena. I thought it was all innocent fun too, I guess . . . I guess in the end it's like you said in the episode "Blind Faith": You are what you pretend to be, so be careful what you pretend.

X: If only I could have listened to my own advice.

C: Oh, gods, give me a break. I haven't got all eternity, well actually I do, but get moving anyway.

Calisto chains Xena and Gabrielle's hands together and drags them down with her to hell.

G: This is hell?

C: Yeah, what did you expect?

G: I don't know, fire, brimstone, orgies. This is just a bare landscape with people sitting around moaning.

X: Yeah, kind of like our audience during the India trilogy.

G: So what are we supposed to do here?

C: That's just it, there is nothing to do here. That's why it's called hell. You know, bored as hell. Ah ha ha ha ha, ah ha ha ha ha!

Callisto exits.

Xena and Gabrielle sit down on a flat stone type thing.

Long sighs exude from both of them.

G: If only they didn't have to keep killing us. We've both already died several times. Who do they think they're kidding.

X: It's starting to where pretty thin.

G: How are we going to get out of here? And when are these sheets going to stop billowing around us? I'm starting to get chaffed.

X: There's got to be a way out of here. Callisto said something about a Lord. I'm going to find him.

Suddenly a man appears.

Lord: Don't bother, I'm already here. I'm the guy you want.

X: Who are you?

L: Some call me Satan, others the Devil, or Dark Angel, and still others call me Larry Flynt.

X: Are you responsible for us being here?

L: Yes, and you're stuck here till you redeem yourself.

G: How do we do that?

L: The cast and crew of XWP must pay for their constant teasing, nobody likes a tease. The promise is always sex and the promise is always broken. You�ve got to start living up to your promises, once you do that you can be redeemed from hell and return to your regular scheduled programming. Until then, here's the preliminary production list we�ll be working from: Sins of the Ass; Chariots of the Whore; Dreamwanker; Cradle of Whopee; The Ass Not Taken; The Ravaging; The Tightends; Probe-metheus; Adventures in the Skin Trade; Fisting for Dinars; The Greater Wood; Fellatio; Is There a Whore in the House; Orphan of a Whore; Remember Sweet Nothings; Girls Just Wanna Come; Return of Fellatio; Intimate with a Stranger; Ten Little Whores; The Breast; A Necessary Anal; A Gay in the Wife; For Him the Balls Roll; Blind Fuck; Been There, Done Her; Extra-Marital Instincts.

G: Oh dear gods! Are you going to force us into making pornographic adult versions of every Xena episode?!

Larry: That�s right. Welcome to hell, ladies.

TO BE CONTINUED (maybe)



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