January 2002

Author’s Notes: You are going to have to cut me a lot of slack on this one guys as I am writing about events that have not yet taken place. For all I know this year’s Mardi Gras might be cancelled due to the bush fires or it might be absolutely peeing it down on the day. Also, I have no insider information regarding whether or not Darren would ever perform there. So it is no good e-mailing me and asking. As far as I know the list of artistes hasn’t even been published yet. It is all mere speculation on my part. BUT I am however quite prepared to be ‘Joss’d’ again. Come on Darren you can do it, don’t let me down baby.

The quote by Darren in this chapter is of course directly lifted from the interview he did for ‘Hit Today’ magazine (forgive me Darren) but the ones in later chapters are merely made up.

‘Darren?’

As usual Leonie forsook the notion of knocking and sailed right into the hotel room.

‘Hmmm.’ Darren replied, not lifting his eyes from the screen in front of him.

‘You’re not on the BBS again?’ Leonie questioned in mock annoyance.

‘Uh-huh.’

‘So anything interesting on there then?’

In reply Darren pushed back his chair and angled the laptop round. ‘See for yourself.’ He grinned.

‘Is Darren gay?’ the title at the top of the thread screamed.

‘Oh great not another one.’

Darren smiled, not particularly fussed. ‘Oh you know the drill, it’ll stay up there for a few days then Carla’ll remove it, it’ll all go quiet and then three months down the line it’ll raise it’s ugly head again.’

‘So do they come to any conclusions?’

‘Nope. Just the usual…no, yes, don’t know, who cares…nothing new.’

‘Well here’s something that’ll get their tongues wagging.’

‘Oh yeah?’

‘Yep. Sony have just called and they want you to do a P.A. at this year’s Sydney Mardi Gras.’

'When is it?'

'2^nd of March.'

Darren shrugged. ‘Yeah, fine, don’t see that being a problem, after all I’ve got a large fanbase amongst the gay population.’

Leonie laughed. ‘No, Savage Garden had a large fanbase amongst the gay population. What makes you think it was your little toosch that they were all turning out to drool over?’

‘Hey that’s not fair, I’ve got a very nice little toosch thank you very much,’ Darren protested indignantly, ‘they all think so anyway.’ and he gesticulated at the laptop.

‘Well we’ll soon find out won’t we. They’ve asked if you’ll sing ‘Insatiable’ and…’ Leonie bit her lip nervously, ‘Affirmation.’

‘Oh now there’s a surprise.’

‘So I can tell them that you’ll do it?’

‘It was a request?’ Since when did record companies request anything.

‘Erm, no not quite, the words ‘contractual obligation’ did come into the conversation at one point if I remember rightly.’

‘Nah, go on, it’s fine. It’ll be a blast.'

‘Ok.’ and with that Leonie left to call back the record company and let them know of Darren’s agreement.

‘I’ve got a lovely little toosch,’ Darren muttered to himself, getting up and going to stand in front of the full length mirror, craning his neck to see said part of his anatomy, ‘you’re a fine specimen of an arse aren’t you,’ he reassured it, shaking his booty sexily for emphasis before realising what he was doing and groaning out loud. ‘I am having a conversation with my rear, I seriously need help.’

The next few weeks flew by in a blur for Darren, interviews, promo work, the AMAs, yet more interviews…the list went on and on. And all the time the release date for 'Insatiable' grew ever nearer. It still gave him an immense buzz every time he happened to turn on the radio and heard it being played. He was so proud of what he had managed to achieve. Here he was, a real solo artist. All the pain, the tears, the self-doubt was behind him now, he could do this and he was going to do it. He briefly wondered what it would be like to perform alone, no back up band behind him, no singers…and no Daniel.

The last thought he quickly dismissed. In his mind Daniel had already been absent for a long time, towards the end even when they were both on stage it seemed like Daniel had already departed. He hadn't wanted things to end like they did and deep down he hoped that Daniel hadn't either, but how was he to know when they weren't exactly on what you would call speaking terms at the moment.

'I just need some space right now.' Daniel had told him and, as per usual once he had calmed down, Darren had seen the wisdom of his words, so space was what Daniel was getting and much as Darren knew that getting bitter wasn't going to help the situation he still couldn't help himself from having the odd dig.

‘It was like a second divorce. It was art imitating Life, I'd be on stage singing songs like ‘I
Don't Know You Anymore’ to Daniel. And I don't even know if he knew I was directing them to him. I'd sing the ‘The Lover After Me’ and at the end I'd sing 'Don't go, don't go' to him. Sometimes Daniel couldn't even make eye contact with me on stage.’ He had said in one recent interview. He regretted it almost the minute he had said it. When would he learn to think before opening his mouth? But what was said was said and he couldn't take it back. It just hurt him to think that perhaps Daniel would read the article but there again why should Daniel be bothering reading an article about him? He had his own path to travel down now, one that clearly did not involve Darren.

January quickly dispatched itself, Insatiable thankfully being received with open arms by both the fans and the critics alike, and come the first week of February Darren found himself in a dance studio along with a choreographer trying to put together some moves for the Mardi Gras appearance.

Being a P.A. it was just going to be singing along to a playback so the musical side of it wasn't an issue but he wanted to devise some sort of routine that would really grab the crowd's attention.

He struggled at first to remember all the little hand gestures that he had made during 'Affirmation'. Had he really forgotten them so quickly? Wiped them from his mind more like he mused grimly. Then of course there would be no running over to Daniel during the instrumental break, no resting his hand on his shoulder, looking on adoringly as those talented slender fingers coaxed the notes out of the strings of his guitar.

Daniel. Always it came back to Daniel. Had it been such a wise idea to agree to perform this particular track Darren wondered. But there again he hadn't been given a great deal of choice. With a line like 'I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality,' it was always a pretty safe bet that the organisers and the record company would want him to include this one.

'Darren, you've missed out a whole move again!' Michael called out exasperated.

'Huh?' Darren forced himself back to the present.

'I thought we had agreed on you running your hands down from your chest over your crotch during that line?'

'Ermm, yeah we did. Sorry, wanna run through it again?' Darren was genuinely sorry for messing up. The perfectionist in him once more rose to the fore.

'Nah…you'll be fine, just shake your thing and they'll love you.' Michael laughed, 'Hell if I wasn't already taken I'd be after a piece of you myself.'

Darren simply smiled. After so many years in the business he was used to banter like this now. Refusing to publicly confirm or deny the rumours surrounding his sexuality only added to the air of ambiguity that surrounded him. An air that he revelled in.

Why should he be forced to tell the screaming hordes what gender of lover he preferred to keep his bed warm? Let them think what they will. He was quite happy to be anything to everyone and if he fuelled teenage guys' dreams as well as teenage girls, well he wasn't complaining. It never did any harm to record sales when he was part of Savage Garden he didn't see why it should do any harm now. Besides it was no-one's business but his own. Gay, straight, bi whatever, it made no difference to Darren what people thought. He and those close to him knew the truth and that was all that mattered.

 Sighing he went over and retrieved his water bottle, taking a long, grateful skull.

'Want to call it a day?' Michael asked.

'Might as well,' Darren replied, 'same time Thursday yeah?'

'Yep, see you then.'

'Ok, catch you later then.' With a half-hearted wave Darren left the studio and began the drive home.

Twice during that evening his hand hovered over the phone, the second time he even got as far as lifting the receiver before replacing Mr Vader on his cradle. No, when Daniel was ready to talk he would call. Until then Darren would stick to his promise and give him his 'space.'

Finally he gave up trying to concentrate on anything and suggested to Leonie that they went out for Chinese.