| Some odd minutes later, we were bidding Mandy or Willa or Amanda, whatever the hell her name was, farewell. Thank god. But...why? It's not like she was all that bad of a person. A tad bit annoying. It's not like I should have concerned myself with whomever Nick had most recently chosen to be with him. It's not like we had anything going. I don't know. Maybe I felt threatened for some reason. Maybe. After she had left, Nick returned to the open foyer area of the house where Kaylie and I stood patiently, our bags strewn about the floor as they had been brought in, with the help of...her, and abruptly dropped like 50 pound weights the second she hit the doorway. I quickly composed myself and inspected the rest of the house in a businesslike fashion, tugging Kaylie along by the hand. As we went from room to bathroom to room to room to room to bathroom to room to guest room to....yes, you guessed it, room, and so on, strangely skipping one for some reason, Nick stood at a casual distance looking irresistibly cute with his hands half the time in his pockets half the time nervously fiddling as he answered my queries, apologizing for bathrooms, for clutter here and there, pointing out fireplaces, extra closet space, and other amenities. As we continued the tour, I noticed that he appeared less certain of himself. There was, of course, that weird atmosphere between up we didn't dare breach. I tried not to look him in the eyes, yet his face was enchanting, as usual. It was funny, the changes in his facial features, subtle as they were. He face had undoubtedly matured, the facial bone structure had become more prominent, yet still managed to maintain that cherubic innocence, topped off with hints of facial hair in the normal spots. His hair much shorter, tussled all over his head, his skin still a golden brown tone, his body appeared to still be a strong as ever. If you were just now meeting Nick, you of course couldn't see the differences. Now, upon meeting him, you'd see the new Nick Carter. The mature Nick Carter. The successful manager and businessman Nick Carter. But to me, he would always be that same old...teen idol. The cute one. The heartthrob. Heartbreaker, that all the girls loved. That I loved. I got to taste what others could only dream of tasting, got to know him in ways others would never know him. Not even his closest of friends and relatives. But those attributes and aspects revealed, those incidents were just as much things of the past as the love we had shared. And perhaps I should just buckle down and focus on what was to come of the newfound relationship as...dare I say it...friends. Perhaps. When I asked him about dividing the housework, he peered at me with this, sort of, cocky grin. A warmth shot through my stomach. I fought with my insides to curb it immediately and keep it trapped before it got out of hand and traveled elsewhere. "Well. Perhaps I'll get you a maid." My eyes lingered on him and gradually, stubbornly dropped as there was a gently tug on my jeans. "Maybe you could get Willa Ford to do it mama," was crooned in Kaylie's girlie sweet, innocent, childlike tone. I had to fight to keep the laughter from barging through my lips as I looked into her big blue eyes, staring wide eyed up at me. I glanced at Nick, who had already lost it. Which in turn sent me into a laughing spell. My laughter actually surprised me. It seems I had forgotten what it felt like to laugh. As we calmed down, I looked from Nick down to Kaylie, a smile spread across her face, a sense of de ja vu washing over me. God, I thought to myself. She has his smile. We finished touring the house and settling down in one of the guest rooms. I was a bit shocked when he offered to help me unpack. I yielded to his offer and the awkwardness returned as we worked quietly placing countless articles of clothing into the closets and chests and drawers while Kaylie sat on the bed watching tv and eating slices of a banana. Hours, which felt like minutes, quickly passed before we had finally come to the end of the unpacking. By the time we got done, it was around ten and I was exhausted. Kaylie had already fallen asleep on the bed, the tv still blaring. Nick and I stood there peering around the room, avoiding each other's gaze until I finally went and turned off the tv saying, absentmindedly of course, "We should get her changed into her night clothes." Emphasis on the 'we' people. I slammed my eyes shut, immediately realizing what I had just said as I walked towards the dresser. I pulled out the bottom drawer and carefully sifted through the clothing he had so neatly folded and placed inside until I came to one of her cotton night gowns. When I stood back up and turned towards the bed, he had untied and removed her shoes and was gently easing off her clothes, trying hard not to wake her. Not hard enough, because wake she did. "Here," I told him, handing him the night gown. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..." "It's ok. She's a baby, she'll fall right back asleep." He nodded and finished getting off her clothes and on her night gown. He then stood up, holding her in his arms as she fell back asleep, wrapping her arms around his neck, her head resting on his shoulder, while I pulled down the covers on the bed. At least I had thought she had fallen back asleep. Apparently I was wrong because as he went to lean over and place her on the bed, she adamantly objected through cries and whimpers, clinging tightly to him. So, in turn, he stood back up, keeping ahold of her. He looked at me and I looked at him and he looked at me. And I shrugged my shoulders, unsure of what to say and he sat down on the bed unsure of what to do. And I told him I was going to take a shower and he said okay. So I grabbed my robe from the closet, a large t-shirt from the dresser and headed for the bathroom as he slid back against the headboard of the bed and ran his hand up and down Kaylie's back. When I got in the bathroom, I dropped my robe on the toilet and closed the door around as he sat back on the bed, his eyes drifting closed. I backed up against the door of the bathroom, closed my eyes and slid down it to the floor as tears slid down my cheeks. Nick had moved to laying on his side, Kaylie right next to him, extremely close to him when I returned from my shower. They were both asleep. I balanced myself on my tip toes as I reached to click on the dim little lamp on top of one of the dressers at the far end of the room and then clicked off the larger lamp on the dresser. I tentatively crawled into bed, only because of the intense awareness of the tingling that had mounted between my legs. As I lay there on top of the covers, I eventually turned my head to look over at Nick, fast asleep. The soft illumination on his face from the dim lamp only fueled my want to have his naked body on top of me that instant. I lay there and closed my eyes, imagining Nick making love to me, being inside me. Rocking slow and steady over me, his lips barely brushing mine. It was so vivid, so close, so...Jesus Jennifer. Banish the thought, I scolded myself. I gently ran a few fingers over some curls that had fallen onto Kaylie's face. Maybe, I thought to myself, maybe this move was not a bad decision, was not the end of my life. Maybe it was the beginning of a new one, a life without struggle, without a seemingly endless string of hardships and empty wishes. Maybe this would turn out to be the best thing that has ever happened to me. Maybe I think too damn much. I softly kissed Kaylie on the cheek and turned to face the opposite side of the bed and tried to get some sleep. I woke the next morning facing the other side of the bed as I lay on my side. The first sight my heavy eyes met was Kaylie, still fast asleep. Beyond her, of course...empty space. Somehow, I wasn't surprised. I was, however, surprised by what my eyes happened to stumble upon as I turned over on my other side. "What is this?" I asked no one in particular, barely above a whisper as I reached over and picked up a piece of paper folded in half, sitting on the night stand. My eyes raced over the messy print as a hungry pirate would a treasure revealing map. The note was nothing special, not that my reluctant heart would allow it to be anyway. It simply read: Well, is that it? I felt like some teenager who's dad had gone out of town. I expected at least one 'No parties or friends in the house while I'm gone' warning before settling on his signature. Oh well. At least he left me the key to, oooooooh, the Mercedes. Not that I had anywhere to go or be anytime soon. I placed the note back on the night stand and figured I might as well get up and dressed, knowing Kaylie would be up and at 'em any second. The remainder of my boxes had arrived later that day and I busied myself with more unpacking into the evening. It felt noticeably different withough him around, even though we had only been in each other's presence for one day.I couldn't help quietly crying to myself as memories of what was and then all of a sudden wasn't flooded my mind. I was alone. Again. For days I cried, thinking only of the virtues I'd become so familiar with that accompanied solitude. After three days, I grew hopelessly restless and began to clean the house, from top to bottom. I tried to remind myself over and over that things had changed, people had changed, environments had changed. Nick would be back. He would. But no matter how hard I tried to convince myself, I just couldn't conceive of him being there, of him returning as nerve endings that concluded in hope were firmly planted in the past. By the time I had finished the last scrubbings of the kitchen floor, cleaning with noted vigor as though Mr. Clean himself would magically appear as he so often did in his commercials and reprimand me for not utilizing his products to their fullest potential, I had moved to become nunlike and dedicate myself solely to Kaylie and my job. As well as contemplation, of course. I swore off all men, all sex. And ultimately, all love. After five long days had passed, I was once again in the kitchen, cooking lunch for Kaylie and myself when I glanced up at the calendar and noticed that I had at some point that week, marked the date of his return on the calendar. After putting some of my undies and night clothes into the laundry that evening around 7:30, I scooped up my daughter and headed for the grocery store and the local CVS, staying out a little longer than I had expected. While shopping, I noticed I was somewhat on edge, anxious. Why? Well, isn't it obvious? Yes, it was true. I was eager to see him. My desire to see him had grown so much to the point where I couldn't inhale without tasting his cologne on my tongue. Pots and pans were sounding off in the kitchen when we returned home, Kaylie asleep in my arms as I tried to balance her and the grocery bag. I stood in the entrance way to the massive kitchen, watching as Nick appeared deeply absorbed in his cooking. He was home early. Three days early. Whatever he was concocting smelled delightful, I must admit. His trademark grin welcomed me after he noticed me standing there. He quickly tossed some pot holders onto the counter and rushed to grab the grocery bag from my arm. I noticed an immediate change in atmosphere. In a few short moments, the house seemed to be transformed from my sad, tear absorbed cave to a lively, joyous resort of sorts. I told Nick I was going to put Kaylie to bed and headed down the hallway to our guest-bedroom. Upon entering the room, I had noticed that he had folded my laundry sitting neatly inside a laundry basket at the foot of the bed, my pink lace nightie hanging on the shower railing. The very sight of it immediately caused me revert back to that girlish, teenie embarrassment that plagued so many of his young fans, way back when. I put Kaylie down to sleep and returned to the kitchen. "You shouldn't have folded my clothes Nick. I'm sorry I left them in the dryer. I didn't expect to be out so late. I also didn't expect you back so soon." "Don't worry about it. Plus, I tried to get back early and see how you and Kaylie were getting along. I know how intimidating and lonely this monster of a house can be. I'm actually the one who should apologize. I noticed right off that a considerable amount of elbow grease was used throughout the house. Mainly the bathrooms. Sorry it was so dirty. I haven't really had the pleasure of having a female around to take care of those things when I neglect them all too often." I blushed. I couldn't help it. "I hope you're I didn't in any way offend you for cleaning your house or your bathrooms. It's just that I'm very anal about household cleanliness. It comes from having a child around, I guess. " "No, no. Don't apologize. I should." "Don't be silly, it's your house." "Our house." He grinned at me again and I could feel the heat rising towards my center. Whoo! Down, girl. "So. What are you making?" "Spaghetti and homemade meatballs. And garlic bread. I love garlic bread. So how are you? And Kaylie? I mean, did you make out ok while I was gone? Do you like the house and everything?" "Sure. It's fine. Very comfy." I got up and stood moved into the dining area settled in front of an open view of the pool out back. It looked beautiful, illuminated by the lights set just beneath the surface of the water. I rubbed my hands up and down my arms, feeling useless, wondering how I would ever get comfortable, now that he was back along with our pal named Awkward. He eventually came in and sat down in one of the chairs, non-verbally inviting me to do the same, which I did. He talked for a while, telling me about business with BIK and what all he was trying to accomplish out in L.A. We had been talking for about 45 minutes when the doorbell rang. And in she came, before either of us even had a chance to get up out of our seats to answer the door. As she came waltzing into the dining area, her dark eyes glowered at me and then turned to Nick. She kissed him on the cheek as he returned the gesture. Of course, I should have known. An attractive, intelligent, rich, successful man like him could never be without a lady by his side. I had assumed just as much about her the day I met her but quickly discarded the thought when she left. It was perhaps only my loneliness, my missing Nick, that stimulated this shameless attraction to him. How could I have been so egotistical, so naive as to imagine he had invited me to live with him for anything other than economic reasons and moral obligations. I must admit, honestly, I had some regret. She ignored me, didn't bother to speak, not once, and stuffed herself directly in between Nick and myself. I heard her ask if they could go up to the bedroom, and took that as my cue to excuse myself. I quickly retreated to my room and resumed, for about the hundredth time, putting away clothes, dwelling on how unbelievably pitiful my life had turned out ever since I had arrived. It seemed as thought unpacking my life was my only diversion from looming feelings of sadness and loneliness, yet my ears were still sharp and heeding to any sounds of heated passion flowing through the house. I figured vicarious sex was better than no sex at all at this point. God, how I envied her. |