Scene 1
Due North
Date: Sunday July 14th 2002
Time: 14.00 PM
Dr Abortion: Goddamnit, you're supposed to be evil. Drive like it.
Proto: Hey, if driving up the sidewalk and running everyone over would get us there faster .. actually, it probably would.
Driving up onto the sidewalk, Proto hits the gas.
Dr Abortion: Make sure you hit that kid.
*thud* *thud*
Proto: *whistles*
Dr Abortion: Good work. Well, I say good, but I mean, Evil.
Proto: Yeah. You know, if we weren't sworn to kill each other utterly once we've got those three little motherf***ers, we'd make a pretty good team.
Dr Abortion: Too bad I WILL kill you after this.
*thud* *thud*
Proto: Not if I get you first, comerag. Or if the syphilis ravages you.
Dr Abortion: Well, if I die before the end of this, I'm taking you with me.
As the Buick reaches a clear road, Proto carries on driving on the sidewalk anyway. It's way more fun.
Dr Abortion: How come you never have any problems with the cops?
Proto: Well, one time when I hit a pregnant Midnight Angel with Toaster, Chevalier called the cops on me.
*thud* *thud*
Dr Abortion: And?
Proto: Not enough evidence.
Dr Abortion: But you're driving along the sidewalk, you've ran over like ten people ... where's the cops? In MY wacky adventures, the cops usually show up.
Proto: I'll let you in on a little secret ...
Proto reaches into his pocket.
Dr Abortion: I don't want to see your 'little secret'.
Proto: Not that. Look.
*thud* *thud*
Proto pulls a card out of his pocket. It says "DIPLOMATIC STATUS" on it.
Proto: This is why I have never ever been in trouble with the cops, despite all the killing, maiming, poisoning, slaughtering/eating of rare creatures, intimidation, and drunken public nudity I get up to. This card rocks.
Dr Abortion: It's all a little TOO convenient. Hey, there's Canuck crooner, Bryan Adams!
*thud* *thud*
Bryan Adams: Why ... oh ... God ... why? Urrrgh. *dies*
Proto: Hahaha. You sucked ass, Adams!
*thud* *thud*
Dr Abortion: How the hell are we supposed to find these three, anyway?
Proto: Glad you asked. We're meeting someone outside the University of Toronto. Which is just up here.
The car pulls up outside the University. A man in an overcoat, with a hat pulled low obscuring his features, walks up to the car.
Man: The crested otter swims fastest at midnight.
Proto: The lonely monkey is happiest in the trees.
Man: Do you know where I can buy a cow?
Proto: No, but they are cheapest in the south.
Dr Abortion looks disbelievingly at the pair.
Dr Abortion: What the F*** are you two talking about?
Proto: Dude, shut up. This is our secret agent identification stuff.
Man: Yeah, now we have to start over.
Proto: Shall we just skip it, Mohammed? We're in a hurry.
Man (Mohammed): Well, alright. But just this once, Proto.
Proto: Sweet. Okay, we need to find three midgets. They're in a Ford Taurus station wagon.
Mohammed: Does it have a tracer on it?
Dr Abortion: Don't be stupid. It doesn't even have airbags.
Mohammed: Hmm. Do any of them have a cellphone?
Proto: Yeah! Li'l Proto does.
Mohammed: Here. You can track him with this.
Mohammed hands Proto a little gadget that looks a bit like a Gameboy.
Mohammed: You can tell what direction they are with this. Although it isn't very good for distance. And his phone will have to be on.
Proto: Thank you, Mohammed. Although you were nothing more than a character invented purely to further the story, our time together was profitable and entertaining.
Mohammed: You're welcome. You still owe me for the vials of syphilis, by the way.
Proto: What vials?
Proto reverses, then runs over Mohammed.
Mohammed: *dies*
Proto: Hahaha.
Dr Abortion: This gizmo says they're thattaway.
Proto: Then let us go!
Location: Somewhere on the streets of Toronto