Dr. A: Oh man� I�m sore all over� ungghhh�
Prototype, who just endured one heck of a bout with the Doc from DC, steps out of his closet. (This isn't any metaphor, as far as I know) He must have been listening in the whole time.
Dr. Abortion is driving his 1989 Silver Ford Taurus Station Wagon. Roe and Wade sit in the back. On children�s booster seats.
Team Abortion just stands there in the lobby, trying to look as casual as possible for a guy wearing shades next to two midgets.
Nurse: I�m sorry sir� you just can�t come in here�
PART I: Baby, I Wish You Were My Baby
Roe: Here, move your back forward so I can wrap these bandages around it.
Dr. A: Ouch� OUCH� ow� damnit. Oh man. That hurt. But thanks Roe.
Wade: Here you go Dr. Abortion� the morphine from the gymbag.
Dr. A: Oh thanks� my body should be feeling a lot better in a few seconds�
*prick*
Dr. A: Ahhhh� You know, it�s solace and calming times like this where I can put aside my aggression and reflect upon a match like the one I just had.
Roe: Yeah boss, [congratulations/tough break] about that match in which you totally [beat/lost to] Proto.
Dr. A: Oh, well [thank you/**** you], Roe.
*RIIIIIIING*� *RIIIIIING*�
Dr. A: Will someone get that phone?
Wade: Yeah� you�re closest.
Dr. A: But if I were going to pick up the phone, why would I hire two midgets to follow me around and do work at slave-labor salaries.
Wade: Grumble�
*Click*
Wade: Hello? � Oh gee� It�s for you boss, what a surprise!!!
Dr. A: C�hello? �Who? Ah yes� how is it going� KASTRONIS?
~DUN DUN DUNNNN!~
Roe: MY GOD! Isn�t Kastronis the name of that Executor of Wade�s will who tried to hunt us all down and kill us so that he would get Wade�s fortunes� which were the fortunes of his evil Peruvian Druglord father, Juan Aleman de Wade?
Wade: You�re right! Why I ever hired a maniacal Greek hitman as the executor of my will I will never know. It�s just one of those crazy things midgets do. Like get tossed and going on the Howard Stern Show to be mocked and humiliated, objectified to become more of a playful toy than a human being with feelings.
Dr. A: Yes� THAT Kastronis, you two. Duh. AKA: Dr. K! Hey, but at least you two know your back stories. But guys� remember it was all fake.
Roe: Oh yeah. Right. Unlike this which is real. *whew*� I was scared there for a second.
Dr. A: What�s that Dr. K?� Well I�ll be� NO!� NO!� Get out of here!
Wade: What?! What?!
Dr. A: I�ve been having Dr. K here follow my estranged girlfriend, Ms. Contraceptive.
Roe: We know who your girlfriend is, boss. Get to the point.
Dr. A: She�s checked into a hospital. She�s� she�s� going into labor!
Roe: *GASP!*
Wade: *GASP!*
Chokehold: *rot*
Roe: Wait� I�m kind of stupid. What does that mean?
Dr. A: It means� she�s going to have a baby!
Roe: *GASP!*
Wade: *GASP!*
Chokehold: *decay*
Dr. A: But the process is unpredictable� and sometimes takes several hours� or even days. But then again, it could happen within minutes. Time is of the essence. That is why we have to get started� NOW!
Wade: Started with what, boss?
Dr. A: You see� it all started with a revelation that Whitelight made to me in the SHOW� I�ll tell you the story�
Flashback
Whitelight: Hey Dr. Abortion� I knocked up your girlfriend. See?
Ms. C: I�m pregnant!
Roe: Wow. Short story.
Dr. A: Yes� stories are better that way. My greatest fear in the world was that the baby would come out looking like this�
Dr. A: I know. So I then did the math and figured out that the pregnancy must have occurred the month before Whitelight showed up in the fed, so he could not be the father. So my suspicions have to turn elsewhere�
Wade: Say limp pants� why don�t you tell them why you�re not a suspect? Hahahaha!
Roe: Yeah� or would it be IMPOTENT� err� I mean IMPRUDENT of us to ask. Hahahaha.
Dr. A: Shut your mouth.
So, when I learned Ms. C was carrying a baby� I knew I had to do my job. But she kept escaping me� and now it has been nine months, my time is almost running out. If I want to truly prove myself as the most evil man alive� I must kill that fetus before it is born!
� Oh� sorry Kastronis� I forgot all about you on the phone. This hasn�t been long distance, has it?
�NO?! Why� that is EXCELLENT NEWS!
Wade: What is it?
Dr. A: She�s here� in THIS CITY! What an amazing coincidence!
Roe: Implausible, some would say.
Dr. A: What fortune� we�ve got to get to the Midtown Hospital as quick as possible!
Roe: Uhh� gee� that isn�t that hospital I heard about on the news which had all the kids on life support that died when the power went out. Is it? I wouldn�t want to go there.
Wade: Yeah. Not that we had anything to do with it. Because we didn�t. Because� uhh� err� *whistle*
Roe: *whistle*
Pregnant Pause.
Dr. A: No. That was the Children�s Hospital.
Wade: Whew!
Dr. A: Thanks for the tip, K. We�ll rendezvous in the lobby. Catch you later. *click*� Come on midgets� to the ABORTO-MOBILE!!!
Roe: You mean the 1989 Silver Ford Taurus Station Wagon?
Dr. A: yes. (shamefully)
They dash out of the room!
And just to give a justification for this in a Me vs Proto: Evil Vs Evil Match�
/Proto/: MWAHAHAHA!
The closet door opens.
PART II: Proto's Plan
/ Proto/: Though no one else is in the room to speak to, I somehow feel compelled to speak aloud� hrmm�
I heard everything that they said, and I too will head to this hospital. But only to prove myself as much more evil than Dr. Abortion, as I was [able/unable] to do in our Triple Cage Match!
Proto feels a bit uncomfortable. He finally realizes what the cause is and pulls a Literati letter tile out of the back of his tights.
/Proto/: How Ironic� the letter [e]� for [e][v][i][l]! Like me. But I will do more than hurt one person� I will hurt many.
He pulls out some lollipops� and a batch of freshly made �Anthrax Chewing Gum�.�
/Proto/: I will continue to spread sickness just like the syphilis I contaminated half of Wrassle[dot]Net with! Well� almost half� Roe and Wade already had it� hmm� plus there was that one time Genocide was on shore leave and� oh nevermind�
The point is, now I will give it to the sick and weak, the old and young and disabled� those who�s lives are already most unfortunate. I will give it to the innocent people of the hospital! Hahaha� I am a total ****ing ***hole!
�AWAY!
He dashes off in hot pursuit.
PART III: Typical Car Chase Scene
They talk about inconsequential nothings, just to fill time on the way to the hospital.
Wade: You know, someone said to me once� Wade, so why does Dr. Abortion hang out with you? I mean, midgets are the most baby-like lifeform on the planet, other than babies. And Dr. Abortion has an extreme hatred for babies in every way imaginable.
Roe: Hmm� that is a good question. Why do you hang out with us Dr. Abortion?
Dr. A: Look� I�m trying to drive here. Don�t bother me with your stupid, pestering questions. I�ve got enough to worry about as it is. Stupid Canadian drivers�
*HONK* *HONK*
Roe: AGH!!! You�re on the wrong side of the road!!!
Dr. A: No I�m not silly. They drive on the opposite side here.
Wade: NO THEY DON�T DOC! You�re thinking of EUROPE! Get the hell back on the right!
Angry Canadian drivers shout obscenities at Dr. Abortion. Canadian obscenities like, �gosh golly,� �oh my,� and �watch the Red-Green show.�
Dr. A: Well, I think we�re all good now� we just have to� wait� I think we�re being followed!
Roe: *gasp*
Wade: *gasp*
Chokehold: *mold*
Dr. A: Someone get that dead body out of the car!
Roe and Wade roll open the back windows and use all their strength to chuck out the decomposing corpse.
It lands in the street� right in front of the car following them� Prototype�s Car!
/Proto/: AGH! No time to swerve!� Got to run over it�
*thud*THUD*�
The front and then the back wheels go over it, releasing all kinds of gas into the air. Proto responds by pushing down on the gas himself.
/Proto/: Oh, excuse me�
He waves his hand to clear the air.
/Proto/: So� that Dr. Abortion will throw a dead body out of a window, obviously robbed from some grave and possibly sexually assaulted. That is pretty evil that he would do all that and then throw it in the street to be run over� horrifying all that pass by.
It is one level of evil� but I can show him more� oh yes�
RRRRRRR!!!!
Wade: JESUS! What is with that car behind us?!
Dr. A: I don�t know� it�s chasing us and now it�s swerving all over the place� the guy driving must have run right over Chokey.
Roe: Can you see who it is?!
Dr. A: Wait� I�m adjusting the mirror� it�s� PROTO!
Wade: WHAT?! Why would he be chasing us?
Dr. A: He obviously wants to kill Ms. C�s unborn child before me. That way he can claim that he is more evil and that he�s even better than me at killing babies. I�ve got to beat him to the hospital!
/Proto/: Hmm� speeding up, are you?
Proto shoots right suddenly and heads onto the sidewalk, driving his car right towards all the people standing there.
Huddled Masses: AGHH!!!!
/Proto/: Har har har!
100 Feet into Prototype�s Future�
Owner of Fruit and Vegetable Stand: *whistle*� Ah, what a wonderful day it is here today. I think maybe tomorrow, from the profits I�ve slowly built up, I may be able to close early and finally go out to the- HOLY SH-
Proto slams into the Fruit and Vegetable Stand, as is required by all chase scenes. Watermelons and cabbage go flying everywhere.
Dr. A: Damn� he�s smashed into a Street Vender�s Produce Stand. He�s recklessly endangering the lives of all those around him� I bet he�s doing it just to be evil. Well two can play.
Roe: Ooo look! An ambulance doc! Run into it!
Dr. A: Hehehe�
Wade: NO! The mission Doc! The mission! Stick to the plan. Get to the hospital� take care of Ms. C� get back in time for the Rap Contest!
Dr. A: As always Wade� right. Here� it should be on this block�
Dr. A sharply turns, headed straight for the EMS parking at the Hospital�
/Proto/: Bah! I don�t have time to wait for the next street� I�ll just cut through� Ooh, there looks nice!
*SHATTER*
Proto crashes right through the glass front window of �Pete�s Cute and Cuddly Kitten and Puppy Pet Store.�
thudTHUDthudTHUDthudTHUD�
/Proto/: Hmm� I wonder what that is my tires are hitting.
Dog: YELP!
Proto crashes through the opposite end of the building and comes out on the side of the hospital� and there he sees it�
/Proto/: Hmm� Dr. A�s parked and empty car. They�re in already. It matters not.
He grabs a handful of lollipops, opens the door and walks�
PART IV: The Lobby
Roe: I don�t see Kastronis anywhere.
Wade: Yeah, where is he? I thought you said he�d be waiting for us.
Dr. A: You morons� he�s a master of disguise, obviously. We�ll have to use the secret code to figure out who he is�
Roe: Ooo! Wait! I think I know it! Let me give it a try!.. *ahem*�
He cuffs his two hands around his mouth.
Roe: HEY KASTRONIS!!!
Dr. A: No, You idiot! Don�t-
A very tall Asian man walks up to them.
Dr. A: Stormfire?
Dr. K: No� it�s me� in disguise.
Dr. A: Brilliant! Ms. C would never recognize you as an very tall Asian man!
Dr. K: Here� I�ll bring you up to the emergency room where she is at. 781. Excuse me! Hold that elevator!� Oh� thank you sir. Seventh Floor.
All four get in the elevator, and head up. And just as the door closes�
/Proto/: *gasp*�
A tired Prototype walks into the Lobby.
Desk Clerk: Excuse me sir�no running� is there a problem?
/Proto/: No. No problem. Sorry. Here� have a wowwiepop!
Little Girl with Leukemia: Ooo mommy! A Wowwie!
Mother: No honey, they belong to that man� they�re not yours.
/Proto/: Oh nonsense. I love to share. To share is to care. Here you go, cupcake!
PART V: The Birth of Hope? (Finale)
Dr. A: Look lady� I told you. I am a doctor. James Babicila, MD� got it from Johns Hopkins University.
Nurse: -You can�t just go barging in anywhere you want because you-
The Doc from DC pushes the nurse out of the way and barges into room 781� Roe, Wade and Dr. K follow.
Dr. A: Well, well, well� Look what trashwhores they let in the hospital these days.
Before him lay in a bed, with legs spread open, Ms. Contraceptive.
Ms. C: Oh God. How did you find me?! Wait� that tall Asian man� I�ve seen him before� he�s been following me around everywhere!
Dr. A: Reveal yourself my friend.
Dr. K: Uh� okay.
He starts to take off his pants.
Dr. A: NO! Reveal your secret identity, nitwit!!!
Dr. K: Oh yeah� right.
~WHOOSH~ he takes off his mask and suddenly loses two feet of height.
Ms. C: The will executor? Please� is this a joke?! I am in labor and I couldn�t give one hell about � OH! OW! AGHHH!
Hospital Doc: Get these people out of here!
Dr. A: I�m not going anywhere. If I want to prove myself as the most evil man in Wrassle[dot]Net� then I have to stand up for myself� I have to draw the line here. Do you think anyone will believe that I actually kill babies and hate babies if I allow my girlfriend to give birth? NO� I�ll be laughed right out of Wrassle� people will mock me.
Roe: He�ll be lower on the popularity polls than Benny Blair!
Dr. A: Right. You see� if Dr. Abortion means anything� then I�ve got to stop this baby from being born. You know how in that movie Dogma� if the two angels get back in heaven it proves God wrong and ends the universe? Well, if I allow you, out of anyone in the world, to have a child� the name of Dr. Abortion won�t even mean evil� it will mean mediocre� useless.
Ms. C: Well� if you put it like that.
She uses all the strength she has, not devoted to pushing out a baby, to giving the finger to the doc�
Dr. A: THAT�S IT! Hand me the scalpel!
Dr. K: One scalpel.
Wade: That�s a Ginsu knife.
Dr. A: It will do just as good�
Ms. C: AGHHHH!!!!!!!! I think it�s coming!
Hospital Doc: Push! Push!
Nurse: Breath! Breath!
Dr. A: No! Get out of my way! I must do it before it is born! MUST� MUST�
Security: -FREEZE!!!
Well I�ll be damned� the Royal Mounted SWAT Team just entered the room!
Guard: Put the knife down� NOW!
Dr. A: No. You�ve got to let me. Please� it is the one thing� the only thing that matters!
Guard 2: He said drop it!
Wade: Pssst! Doc� just do it. You can kill it later, after it�s born. Just save yourself for now.
Dr. A: No! It is the principle of the thing! All will be lost if I don�t-
Hospital Doc: BREATH! BREATH!
Nurse: PUSH! PUSH!
Ms. C: UNGHHH� AGHHH� AGHHH!!!!
Hospital Doc: Here it comes�
Silence falls upon the group.
Dr. Abortion puts his knife down. The guards put their gun down. Roe and Wade stand up on their tip toes to see. Dr. Kastronis drops his mouth open. All witness the miracle� and to Dr. Abortion at least, the horror, of birth.
�
�
�
�
Hospital Doc: You�ve done it! It�s been born!
Roe: *GASP*
Wade: *GASP*
Dr. A: *GASP*
Dr. K: *GASP*
Security Guards: *GASP*�
Hospital Doc: Congratulations m�am� It�s a boy!
Nurse: It�s beautiful.
Security Guard: It�s Incredible!
Hospital Doc: It�s a miracle!
Dr. K: Umm� guys� It�s black.
Another stunned silence.
Dr. K: You guys heard me � right? The Baby is black.
Dr. Abortion looks very confused. He raises an eyebrow� and takes his shades off for once.
Dr. A: Well� It�s not Whitelight�s kid. So who's is i-
Dr. A then turns to his left, and looks down� at Roe and Wade.
Roe: Umm� uhh� I remember leaving my keys in the car�
Wade: Riiiiiight... and I� uh� have a cake in the oven. It is the damndest thing you know.
Both look at each other and then run the hell out of there. Dr. A then looks back at Ms. Contraceptive.
Ms. C: What are you looking at?
Dr. A: I�m gonna kill em'
Dr. A runs out of the room.
FIN.