Hey there, it's Basil. Remember when I said we'd put issues out so that the reviews weren't outdated? Well, I lied. But we're giving you hours of laughter for free, so you're going to suck it up and stop complaining! (not that anyone complained, but I'm just anticipating.)

We have a new writer, Langdon Alger. So read her stuff, but don't get too attached, as I am poisoning her.

We're still looking for more writers if anyone's interested. We've had a few people email us, but they stopped replying so I think they've changed their minds...jerks. (kidding)

This issue is heavy on stuff by me, because the colonel has been busy and, let's face it, I'm not too big on doing work.

So without further ado, a somewhat crappy second issue to close out the first semester with....well, not a boom.

Also, we now have a Squeeze Theorum screen name! So if you're too lazy to email us to bitch us out, feel free to just drop us an IM. Our screen name= SqueezeTheorum

Mo Rocca and I have a lot in common. He has brown hair; I have brown hair. He doesn't smoke pot; I don't smoke pot. He's funny; I think I'm funny. He calls himself a fake journalist; I have just recently decided to start calling myself a fake journalist. He was wearing corduroy pants, and I own several pairs of corduroys. At this point, we might as well just be the same person, right?

Ok, maybe not, but Wednesday night's evening with Mo Rocca, correspondent on The Daily Show, was, as promised, the funniest thing I've seen all year. He started off his presentation with a slide show of his history that was random enough for some people not to take it seriously. "No, that stuff was all real," Rocco said later while fielding questions. He revealed himself to be a history buff with an obsession for seeing former presidents' homes and graves, something which came in handy later; he used experiences from those home/grave-seeing trip to create ideas for segments which later got him his job as correspondent at The Daily Show.

At first I was a little disappointed that the main part of his presentation seemed to be showing clips of his previous segments, some aired and some "Too Hot for The Daily Show." After seeing the first clip, however, I was laughing too hard to even remember being disappointed. He talked between clips, sometimes telling the history of the clip, and sometimes relating it to other similar situations. My favorite was the image of the cheerleader rubbing 'illegal glitter' all over her face and selling pork chops on the black market.

One thing that made the evening even funnier was Mo Rocca's ability to not only be funny when saying something funny, but to also be funny when just saying regular things. Now I know, I know, being funny is kind of his job so of course he's good at it, but not all funny people make me almost fall out of my chair laughing.

So in closing, Mo Rocca is cool and I shouldn't have waited a month to write the conclusion of this review.

Above: Random Picture of the issue (note from Basil: I bought one of these for one of my friends last year...I never even thought about that! ...what must she think of me?!?)

1. We make better jugglers.

2. Lefties can adapt to their weaker side faster. So while all your right-handed people are whining because you broke your right arm and have to write with your left, we can switch back at forth at will. Take THAT!

3. We get to be associated with the devil. Hell yeah!

4. All polar bears are left-handed. So it's kind of like being an honorary polar bear!

5. Lefties DON'T die sooner than righties. Yeah, apparently the research was skewed because of the huge number of lefties who commit suicide when forced to be right-handed. True story.

6. We have our own day. International Left-Handers Day: August 13.

7. Famous lefties include: Isaac Newton, Michelangelo, Leonardo daVinci, Beethoven, Ringo Starr, Bob Dylan, Kurt Cobain, Gandhi, Babe Ruth, and Jesus (so I've heard.) Famous righties? Well, to name a few: George W. Bush, Nick and Aaron Carter, Britney Spears, Anna Nicole Smith, and Ashley (but not Mary-Kate) Olsen. No contest.

Joke of the Issue:

Cow #1: So, have you heard about that mad cow disease? That's some pretty scary stuff.

Cow #2: What do I care? I'm a helicopter.

Has anyone else noticed that every time Christina Aguilera performs her new song, "Dirrty" (don't even get me started on the double-r thing) she always wears chaps and no pants? What's up with that? I mean, bar the fact that it's a hideous outfit, you don't have always dress like the video to perform the song! Did she wear those green plaid pants every time she performed "Come On Over?" No, and those were really cool pants! Now I understand that being uber-slutty is her new thing, but that doesn't mean she needs to wear the same "shockingly exposing" outfit as in her video. If Britney Spears has taught us anything, it's that no matter how slutty your outfit is, there's always something sluttier.

So my friend was recently featured in The Lamron's "Inquiring Photographer," and was quoted saying that Avril Lavigne is on her dartboard. Now don't get me wrong, this girl is my best friend and I've known her since fifth grade, but I would just like to state for the record that she liked Avril until I told her that Avril was talking shit about Shakira, my friend's "future wife." Bah! That's what I say!

And you know what else pisses me off? The word "sellout." As I look it up in the dictionary that I won at a stupid high school awards show, it says "slang One who has betrayed one's principles or an espoused cause." It does not say "when a band actually has fans." Why is it that as soon as a band gets popular, or becomes nationally known that people say they sold out? In most cases, the bands don't change at all. The fanbase changes, sometimes by getting bigger and sometimes by getting (on average) younger. So what? Are we now punishing bands because of their fans? Or because they've finally accomplished their dream of reaching people through their music? That's crap if you ask me.

Some people refuse to like a band with a big fanbase, or a band that 13 year old girls think are hot. What the crap is up with that? NOT liking a band for those reasons is just as bad as liking them because of their looks! I say bah! to them, too. They can go listen to their bands that are too bad to have any real fans and too ugly to have any little girls pretend to like them.

...and I'm spent!

Common Michael Jackson Insults, and my Response to them

by basil

Five Things I've Learned from Weird Conversations
(the sequel to "Life with Colonel Sanders")

compiled by basil

MJ Insult Number One: "He looks like a freak!"

My Response: So he looks a little eccentric. If you take away the fact that his skin color has dramatically changed since the 50's (which I'll admit is a little weird), the only major changes are a few nose jobs and the fact that he's freakishly skinny.

But in a world of celebrities who get plastic surgery to look younger and better, shouldn't we admire a person who gets plastic surgery to look weirder?

And anyway, who says that looks are what matter, anyway? Are you saying that you only care about the way someone looks, and not their talent? Is that what you're saying? That you're a horribly shallow person? Huh? Are you? Yeah, that's what I thought.

MJ Insult Number Two: "He molests little children."

My Response: How do you know? Have you personally witnessed this? MJ maintains his innocence, so it's basically his word against some kids. And why do people lean towards believing the kids over Michael? I blame it on the public's shallowness, along with MJ Insult #1.

And no matter what may have happened with THOSE kids, it's indisputable that he has travelled the world donating money to help children, and personally spending time with some of these kids. Let's not forget 'Heal the World,' people.

Michael Jackson is just a celebrity who likes kids and cares about helping them. Anyone who thinks it's more than that is a sick, sick-minded person and I pity them.

MJ Insult Number Three: "He has no talent."

My Response: I'm sorry that you're deaf, blind and tasteless, but don't take it out on MJ!

MJ Insult Number Four: "He sucks"

My Response: YOU suck!

1. A mole is "a little piece of Spain."

2. There are no sluts on Oprah (it's the non-slut show).

3. When a storm's brewing, all the seagulls get together and play soccer.

4. Algae, mushrooms and bat milk are the foods of kings!

5. Fog from fog machines is alcoholic..

Why Poetry is Dumb

by langdon alger

Note from basil: I realize that this is an interesting choice to start the 'poetry corner' off with, as it is not only not poetry, it is anti-poetry. But it's funny, so get over it.

You know what I've always hated? Poetry! I'm sorry, I know it's supposed to be this big beautiful important form of expression and all, but what the hell is with it? It's like, "Oh I'm all big and cool because I don't have to make sense!" What the crap? Is punctuation too much to ask for? Aren't words in logical sentences a better means of expressing yourself?

I understand when people say, "All songs are poems! What are you, some kind of song-hater?" The simple answer is no. Here's why: usually, songs have to make sense, and even when they seem to be insanely weird with seemingly no meaning whatsoever, the MUSIC gives them meaning. The tune is a critical part of a song, so songs aren't really just poems.

Now, there are some poems that are just meant to be funny, which I'm okay with, and haikus are so short I never really have time to hate them, but what really piss me off are those crazy performance-art-type things! You know, the kind of poem that doesn’t make any sense AT ALL, and sometimes it doesn’t even have real words, and the people read it in such dramatic voices. God, when I see people doing those, it takes so much effort not to punch them in the face! It's just so lofty. It's hella lofty. Hella.

I went to an open mic night, and some guy read this incredibly long, incredibly non-sensical poem and I wanted to kill myself. Trying to stab myself with my plastic knife was not successful. You would think I would just not go to open mic nights where I know people are going to read horrifyingly "poetic" poetry, but I find suicide a much better option. In conclusion, poetry sucks.

_________________________________________________________

It has come to the author's attention that poetry will be included in this issue. Therefore, she would like to clarify her position. Poetry is amazing, poetry is the best form of expression ever. Everyone who writes or likes poetry is clearly very smart and cool. That is all.

Dancing, Like Poetry, Sucks.

by langdon alger

The movie Playing by Heart has this line in it, "Talking about love is like dancing about architecture." Well, I saw something close. In a recent dance concert I was forced to attend, there was a piece, as an advanced dance class assignment, involved dancers dancing "using the elements of designs, such as line, shape, size, direction, color value and texture as reflected in the paintings." They were dancing about paintings! I'm sorry, but what the hell is up with that? Now I'm no choreographizer, but I really don't think you're supposed to mix those two mediums.

Other then that, the dance concert was really... crappy. I fully realize these articles I've been writing make me seem like an uncultured cretin, but I just can't handle interpretive dance. I went in trying to find some sort of story in the... the... what do I even call them? Numbers? Okay, so many of the 'numbers' had no story that I could see, but I understand now dance numbers, like abstract art, aren't always supposed to make sense. Thank god for the hot girls in tights and sometimes interesting music, otherwise I would have slit my wrists with my program. Even still, I couldn't help but thinking the whole time, "I could be watching Queer as Folk right now!"

However, I give this to dancing: it takes a huge amount of work, I know I could never do it, despite my excellent natural turnout. And, like poetry, there is some dancing I very much enjoy. I mean, I've seen Center Stage like a hundred times, and do you think I watch it for the acting? Some of this modern stuff though, is just too weird for me. The confusing-ness of the dance overshadows the aesthetic appeal of the it. I think the best audiences for dance concerts are small children who are amused by pretty colors and weird twisting body positions, and people who actually care about dance. Certainly not tech theater students who have to review the technical elements for a class. I blame college, and its suckiness.

Basil's Haiku Challenge:
the fun new column that involves CROWD PARTICIPATION!
Here's what you do: Send me your most challenging topics, the ones that make you say "Hmm, no one could ever write a haiku about this!"
Here's what I do: I write a haiku about it within five minutes. Just make sure you put "Haiku Topic" in the subject of the email.
The first topic was supplied by my friend Charles.

Deep Fried Food

Foods that are deep fried:

Pizza Bites, crap-stuffed chicken.

...so grossly crunchy.

(keep in mind I didn't say it would be a GOOD haiku.)

So sorry this issue is slightly crappy. We're gonna take a break over break obviously, and make Squeeze Theorum bigger and better when we come back.

If you ever find yourself with nothing better to do than study, go here.

And don't forget to send us feedback- emails, IMs, send us poetry or short stories or articles, or editorials. Whatever, just get us your feedback however you want to!

Good luck on finals, and have a good break!

-squeeze theorum staff