Hey there, and welcome to the first issue of The Squeeze Theorum!

Let us know what you like, what you don't like, what you'd like to see! If you want to write with us, see the conribute page. Tell us if there are any columns you'd like to see on a regular basis.

Sorry if any of these articles or reviews are obsolete, but we're not to good with deadlines. We'll be more punctual next time.

Thanks for reading!

-basil and colonel sanders

No use crying over spilt ice cream... or is there?

by basil

The time is 6:45. You've just finished your meal of pizza and mashed potatoes...or maybe it was applesauce. You can never really tell because, well let's face it, all that mushy food pretty much all tastes the same in college.

So you leave the seating area and go for the finale. The one thing that you must have before leaving. The ice cream. So you take a cone and fill it up, finally able to make a perfect cone. The perfect cone, after all your hard hours of ice cream cone-making that you've accumulated throughout college. (You know, that's secretly the point of college. Not a career, but learning how to make the perfect ice cream cone.)

Perfect cone in hand, you move over to the senselessly huge bowls of sprinkles and prepare to coat your cone, but wait! The sprinkles are all rancy and clumping. Someone must have dropped their ice cream in the bowl, causing a sprinkle pile-up. Or even worse: what if someone licked their cone, then dipped it in the bowl of sprinkles?

Your mind starts to wander and before too long you're too disgusted to even think about eating those sprinkles, despite the fact that, while thinking, you've already eaten the entire cone, sprinkles and all. And without even realizing it, you're already back in your room watching Friends. So you think, how did I get here? Could it have been a sprinkle-based hallucination? The answer, my friends, is no.

So the moral of this story is, for the love of God, don't think about the sprinkles. If possible, have someone else put sprinkles on your cone so you can avoid all this hullabaloo.

They say that your ice cream cone is supposed to represent your sexuality. May all your ice cream cones be satisfying.

The Place: Water Street Music Hall, Rochester, NY
The Date: 10/15/02
The Show: Reel Big Fish, with The Starting Line and The Kicks

Before the show started, I was content to stand there in the crowd, being amused by the people behind me, who were playing that game where you make up a story by going back and forth, each saying one word. By the time that game's appeal wore off, the first band was about ready to start.

The Kicks, out of Arkansas, started the show off with poppy-punkish songs that, frankly, I really don't remember. About two songs into their set, a line of freakishly tall people pushed through the crowd and stopped right in front of us so my friend (for the sake of pseudonyms, we'll call her K) and I were trying to be annoying so they'd move. Let me just say, the old elbow-in-the-back trick was very unsuccessful. But anyway, The Kicks were pretty good, despite the fact that the lead singer didn't do much talking to the audience, and the crowd was pretty dead.

Next up was The Starting Line, and a realization that the mysterious effeminate looking guy who changed The Kick's bass player’s bass strap mid-set and mid-song was really Kenny, the lead singer of TSL. As soon as they started singing, the crowd turned into a smush-mosh pit, or as I like to call it, a smosh pit. Basically you end up humping, or being humped by lots of people at the same time. It's a big pain in the ribs. After a few songs we ended up right behind the smosh pit and watched the show from there, still surrounded by people who wanted to rock out and have fun.

I hadn't heard TSL before, but I was pretty impressed. Kenny seemed to be really young (He's 18) but the band had good energy, catchy songs, and they talked to the audience a lot about really random things. At one point Kenny said something like "You have a red hooded sweatshirt. And you have a blue hooded sweatshirt. You're both looking good in those. I see you also have a red hooded sweatshirt, but you don't have it on. They're looking a little bit better than you 'cause of that." At one point he actually said "J/K all the way," and I'm still trying to decide if that made me lose all respect for him. (I think it just made him endearing.)

As soon as Reel Big Fish started, the only thing I could think was "Jebus Christ, Rochesterians! Do you not know the meaning of the word 'skank'?" So I got shoved to the back again, and found my own little spot to skank, though I had to try pretty hard to not kick people. They played a pretty good mix of songs from all their CDs, but mostly from Cheer Up!, their

latest release. Their banter in between (and often in the middle of) songs kept the crowd laughing. Scott Klopfenstein may be one of the funniest people ever, specifically when he referred to the band before them as "The Stupid Line." (in retaliation for when Kenny called them "Reel Little Whiny Bitches Fish.")

I know of few bands that are as good live as Reel Big Fish. One of the things that makes them unique is the fact that almost everyone in the band sings, so there's always as much vocal harmony live as there is on the CD. Plus, some of the on-stage antics leave bands too tired to perform their best. The guys of Reel Big Fish don't jump around a ton during songs, but they make up for it with awesome music and goofy jokes. Oh, and Kenny, you were right. The guys of RBF are much better at talking shit about you than you are at talking shit about them. But nice try.

So thanks to The Kicks, The Starting Line, and Reel Big Fish for an awesome show, and thanks to the cool security guard at the Water Street Music Hall with water bottles that they'd pour into your mouth to keep you from passing out.

Things I learned at this concert:

1. Being in the front isn't always the way to go. You can have just as much fun, or more, back a little bit where you have room to actually move.
2. Ok, that was it. Just #1. But learning is overrated, I do enough of that at college. Concerts are about good music, not learning. And good music it was.

Photo not from the 10/14 concert.
Photo by Richard Harbaugh, taken from here.

Life According to Colonel Sanders

compiled by basil

1. Guns = good!
2. Ammo = good too!
3. A car is a damn good idea.
4. Isn't water essential?
5. They say canned food lasts a long time.
6. Hasn't Resident Evil taught you that a backpack for storage of weapons and herbs is essential?
7. Music (in case you get bored)
8. Sparklers (also in case you get bored)
9. Correct me if I'm wrong but wouldn't a flashlight be smart in a dark hallway?
10. A teddy bear! (What the hell will comfort you at night? Not the zombies, I'll tell you that!)
11. Something sharp (them's good for stabbin')
12. Garlic (not that zombies are really vampires who hate Italian cooking, just a common courtesy if you get caught and your brains need some flavor.)
13. Alcohol (I believe the fewer brain cells you have left, the less the zombies will want you)
14. Thermonuclear device (I don't know about you but if I'm going down, I'm taking them all with me.)
15. Zombie repellant spray (in development)
16. Jaws (Jaws can kick some serious ass)
17. Unsuspecting swimmers (Jaws needs to eat yo!)
18. Baseball bat (if you're out of guns and ammo it's a good weapon to go down with)
19. Everyone needs porn!
20. It's not a party till you have salsa.
21. Acid (once again, Resident Evil has showed that acid rounds are fun and cool)
22. Candy (in case they're not zombies, just un-original trick or treaters, in which case you have some explaining to do about the first 30 you took down)
23. Friends (if you split up you deserve to die dude)
24.Simple math equation: Can of hair spray + Lighter = zombie torch.
25. Common sense (DON'T GO BACK IN THE HOUSE, YOU IDIOT!!!)

1. Eating corn is okay, and eating by yourself is okay, but eating corn by yourself is a social no-no.

2. Tuesday is the most romantic night of the week. Any guy eating dinner without a girl on Tuesday clearly does not have a girlfriend.

3. All medium-build drummers are midgets, and all medium-build midgets are drummers.

4. Your ice cream cone represents your sexuality. Are you a rainbow sprinkles girl? Or a twist-with-chocolate-sprinkles guy?

5.You can tell a lot about a guy by the way he pumps his ketchup.

Above: Random picture of the issue

She says: I'm athletic
Translation: Yes, I am flat-chested.

She says: I'm extremely curvacious.
Translation: Yeah, I got me a big booty and breasts to boot, not to mention big momma hips & thighs.

She says: Personality is the most important thing I look for in a guy. By the way, what do you look like? Can you send a picture?
Translation: I'm a shallow gold-digger, future trophy wife who wouldn't give a flying rat's ass if you're intelligent, funny, kind or talented as long as you have a six-pack and chiseled cheekbones, a la Brad Pittmeister.

She says: My best feature? Oh, my eyes. People say they're the window to the soul.
Translation: Yeah I really can't think of anything original, so I'll go with a cliche. When in doubt, say you have great eyes.

She says: Oh, I weigh 120.
Translation: Yes, well ideally, if I were to cut out the massive amounts of fried foods and ice cream of my diet, not to mention pastries. And if I actually DID tae-bo once in a while instead of admiring Billy Blanks' bulging biceps and fab forearms from the comfort of my Laz-E-Boy.

He says: Are you a virgin?
Translations: If you are, I can help. OR Yeah, me too.

He says: Yeah, I work out.
Translation: I do the occasional sit-up between football commercials, chugging beer and scarfing down hot wings like they're going out of style. Besides, unpacking the set of barbells that were a a Christmas gift counts as exercise, right?

It's that time again-- time to battle like hockey players with brooms on the ice of Geneseo's Ira S. Wilson Ice Arena. Teams are in the process of forming, and names are in the process of being thought of, all in anticipation of the twenty-eighth's deadline. Here are a few names we though you might like, just in case you can't think of any yourself.
Feel free to use!

Team Trojan-- Ain't no one gettin' through us!

Team Hooker-- That's okay, we'll pretend you're good.

Team Martha Stewart-- It's not the size of the broom, it's how you use it.

Team Blow--We'll swallow you whole!

Team Gonorrhea-- You ain't getting rid of us!

Team Pimps and Hoes-- Bet you can't hit just one!

Team Pork--We got beef.

Bank St. Bagel Cafe Open Mic Night- Totally awesome…and sweet.

by basil

October 19, 2002
Think Tenacious D, but only if Jack Black looked and acted like the lead singer of the Hives, and you've got the Hott Boyz. They started off the open mic night on Saturday, October 19th. Their hijinks were hilarious as usual (usual meaning the three times I've seen them). My personal favorite was "Save the Children," but well, maybe that's just me.

The next featured performer at the cafe was Adrian Matejka, an english professor at Geneseo. He read poetry about growing up, his ethnicity, and Al Green, among other things. When he was done, about half the people in the room wanted him for a class, and the other half just plain wanted him. (I personally was in the first half.)

After the two featured guests, the 'mic' (aka 'broken music stand') was open. We stayed for a few more peoples' performances before remembering that we wanted pizza. In all, a good evening. We plan to return to the "Bagel St. Bank Cafe" for open mic night again.

Random Fact of the Issue:
There is a town in Arizona called Monkey's Eyebrow, one in Arkansas called Toad Suck as well as a Montana town called Hungry Horse.

Joke of the Issue:
Two muffins were cooking in an over. One muffin turns to the other and says "Hey, it's getting kinda hot in here." The other muffins goes, "Holy shit! A talking muffin!

The entrance to Holcomb to Hell, an event put on by Geneseo Straightedge was a haunted house through the girls locker room of the Holcomb gym. A haunted house which the colonel and I punked out on because we are the two biggest babies to ever grace this campus in the history of SUNY Geneseo. (I was just afraid that there would be someone dressed like Michael Myers from Halloween, in which case I would have just burst into tears and humiliated myself.)

So we begged our way through an alternate entrance and, inside, found a band playing and a few other events going on. We carved pumpkins off to the side on the pumpkin-carving tarp. Some of the high points of the evening included "Pumpkin Guts Slip & Slide", where people put on garbage bags and threw themselves across the gym on the tarp, and "Unintentional Pumpkin Guts Slip & Slide", where random people fell down and I laughed.

There was a band playing when we got there, but we missed the beginning of their set so we didn't know who they were. Next up were the Hott Boys, who were funny (and 'Hott') as usual. Up next was Citadel of Pain, performing their amazing smash-hit, "Pain for Pleasure." We almost left when they were finished, but everyone else was leaving and we felt bad. We ended up being glad we stayed, because the last band to play was good. (If I was a better reporter, I would have made more of an effort to remember their name)

In all, Holcomb to Hell was a good time, and I'm sure I'll go to Straightedge-sponsored events again.

Coming next issue....

-poetry

-advice column- send us your questions!

-more 'of the issues'.

-more concert reviews

-book, movie and CD reviews