The City of Brotherly Bad

I admit I'm a sore loser. Let me preface anything I say here with that statement. But after witnessing the Cardinals drop two of three to the Phillies, I am feeling rather ill, and my need to rant is overwhelming. While I could vent about how awful St. Louis looks so far (I'm not entirely sure the Phillies aren't the Red Sox, and that it's not October of 2004), instead I'll point out just how bad Philadelphia really is and why anyone who thinks they're going to do well this year is stupid. Say what you will, Philly fans, but the lineup boasts one good hitter (Bobby Abreu) and a few one-dimensional sluggers who really don't hit all that well (Jim Thome and Pat Burrell). The starting rotation is pedestrian and the bullpen, while respectable on paper, doesn't look too stellar so far. After all, Philadelphia had an easy sweep if Aaron Fultz hadn't been determined to lose the game on Friday by walking everyone in the stadium. Here are a few of the overachieving Phillies:

	Series	Career
Bell, David	.308 - 0 -2	.256 / .319 / .400
Burrell, Pat	.462 - 2 - 9	.256 / .353 / .474
Michaels, Jason	.571 - 0 - 2	.287 / .372 / .459 *

*In 526 career at bats spanning over three seasons. Jason Michaels is terrible, and he looks really stupid with his curly blond mullet.

	Series	Career
Lidle, Cory	5.1 IP, 5 H, 1 ER	4.51 ERA, 5.44 K/9, .269 BAA
Lieber, Jon	8 IP, 4 H, 2 ER	4.20 ERA, 6.51 K/9, .275 BAA

I already made my comment on Jason Michaels, and I'm not going to say anything else. Except that he's a 28-year-old guy who looks like he should be in AAA well into his mid 30's who has no right to play every day for any team. David Bell is not to be taken seriously. He has moderate power, but there's a reason he's played on five different teams: he's bad. That moderate power of his doesn't look so good when he's your starting third baseman. And like Jason Michaels, he has really stupid hair that curls out from the back of his helmet. Pat Burrell is a career underachiever who had one good season. Aside from 2002, he has never driven in more than 89 runs or hit above .260. He's struck out at least 130 times in every season, and he has no range in left field. As soon as he remembers he's Pat Burrell, he'll start being terrible and finish up at his usual sterling .252 batting average.

As for the pitchers, how many good things can you possibly say about a couple of washed up mid 30's guys who are extremely hittable? Jon Lieber is nothing but a fat ex-Cub who can't stay healthy. Cory Lidle is like a cheap brand of Greg Maddux, except not even that good. If he doesn't locate everything perfectly, his pitches fly all over the park. It's an absolute disgrace that excuse of a pitcher only gave up five hits and one earned run to an offense as potentially damaging as the Cardinals'.

This team is stupid. I am not fooled. I do not think they will do well, and I do not think for a second they're good. They simply had the benefit of playing a Cardinals team that is apparently the worst team in baseball. There's much to complain about in that regard, what with the nonexistent offense, horrendous starting pitching, and even worse bullpen. All the same, though, you won't catch me giving recognition to the Phillies and respecting their effort. I think they suck, and I can't stand the thought that they might be feeling otherwise. As for the Cardinals, I hope they all spend the off day on Monday figuring out why they all look so awful simultaneously. Can't they try and not all suck at the same time?