Brian Roberts = Hank Aaron
Clearly baseball has
just gone crazy. I know I say this every April and many others likely do as
well, but these numbers can’t be right. There are just too many people
succeeding on levels at which they simply shouldn’t.
Perhaps the biggest jaw-dropper is the three homers Baltimore second baseman
Brian Roberts has in the season’s first week. Brian Roberts?
This guy had four homers in 641 at bats in 2004. All of 2004. Apparently he’s
prepared to launch fifty this season and join the Brady Anderson club for
dumb-looking Orioles who hit inordinate amounts of home runs in one season
and one season only. I just have no way of fully expressing my disgust for
Brian Roberts and his completely out-of-nowhere three home runs. If he finishes
with over ten, I’m going to testify that I myself saw him get injected
in the face with every steroid there’s ever been. Hey, they got Alex
Sanchez, why not a slugger like Roberts?
Johan Santana and Josh Beckett have each won both starts they’ve made
in 2005. That’s not surprising at all. What is surprising is that so
have Jon Lieber and Glendon Rusch. Jon Lieber is very old and has legs the
size of small oak trees; there’s no reason for this success. Rusch had
an ERA near 7.00 in 2003 over the course of a full season, and he hasn’t
changed all that much. Then there’s Jason Johnson, who apparently is
downright unhittable. Johnson is always really bad, but not in 2005. In 2005
Johnson plans to take home a Cy Young award for the fine work he’s turned
in for his beloved Detroit Tigers. So far Johnson hasn’t bothered to
surrender a run, let alone one of those trademark 400-foot bombs he usually
gives up.
Pat Burrell also appears to be on his way to some sort of award this season.
Burrell, who usually has a penchant for hitting .240, is leading baseball
in every category known to man. Burrell hasn’t been good in three years,
but that hasn’t stopped him from hitting .480 with three homers and
15 RBI in 2005’s inaugural week. Watching him put the bulk of these
numbers up against the Cardinals has been depressing, but I’m sure “Pat
the Bat” will wind up somewhere in the .260-30-90 territory he generally
roams, complete with 120-plus strikeouts.
There’s really
no denying that Brad Wilkerson is a pretty good baseball player. He hits for
power, draws a lot of walks, and is just a useful player to have. What is
beyond my comprehension, however, is his uncanny ability to just hit for the
cycle at will. It certainly seems that Wilkerson can just go out there and
hit for the cycle whenever he feels like it. If his Washington Nationals teammate
Cristian Guzman, who isn’t any good and is paid far too much, were to
dare him to hit for the cycle, he could do it. Seriously, how does this guy
have two cycles? No one ever hits a triple, let alone in a game that already
features the other three types of hit. Wilkerson only hit two triples all
of last season and one of them led to a cycle. This year he has only one,
and it too was part of a patented Brad Wilkerson cycle. What is going on here?
Omar Vizquel apparently feels quite young and spry this season. He’s
already stolen four bases and he’s 76 years old! Vizquel has obviously
not only discovered the speed of his youth, but added some more for old age.
With any luck he’ll old his way to 65 steals and a batting title. At
any rate he’ll probably be awarded a Gold Glove just for being named
Omar Vizquel. Mike Sweeney also has a stolen base, which might not have been
the safest statistic for him to earn. The likelihood of him cracking into
several different pieces while sliding is much too high to warrant an attempt.
It’s pretty obvious the Royals’ coaching staff has just plain
gone insane, because they also attempted to send Matt Stairs on opening day.
I guess second base looked just enough like a steak for Stairs to bolt towards
it.
I’ll tell you what else has gone crazy in baseball: frenzied Boston
Red Sox mania. First you’ve got the endless media barrage last November.
That’s understandable; they had just won the World Series. But I’m
a Cardinals fan, and I can’t take it anymore. So far all I’ve
heard about on ESPN in 2005 is the Red Sox and the Yankees and how it’s
the greatest rivalry there’s ever been. I won’t really dispute
that, but I also won’t dispute the fact that I live in Springfield,
Missouri and I don’t care all that much. On top of that, why must these
two teams play 100 of their 162 games against each other? All that means is
that I’m forced to hear about it all the time. Do I want to see video
footage of the Red Sox accepting their brand new championship rings? No, no
I don’t. I’d much rather see Scott Rolen scowl at the thought
of it, maul Bronson Arroyo and take his ring, all without uttering a single
word.
Perhaps the funniest moment of 2005 took place last Wednesday in a game between
the Orioles and A’s. Orioles pitcher Daniel Cabrera, who had already
hit a batter earlier in the inning, was starting to struggle and hit A’s
first baseman Scott Hatteberg. Hatteberg took offense to being hit and stared
down Cabrera angrily. Cabrera didn’t do much except for walk slightly
towards Hatteberg and then, out of nowhere, start bellowing audible expletives.
Cabrera repeatedly informed Hatteberg of what he could do to himself as Hatteberg
eventually trotted to first base. What I didn’t quite understand was
why Cabrera was the angry one. He wasn’t hit with anything. If Cabrera
wanted to be unreasonably mad at someone, he should be mad at himself for
being such a crappy pitcher. He walked 13 more guys than he struck out last
year in 147 2/3 innings. Additionally, Hatteberg shouldn’t have been
angry at Cabrera for hitting him. Obviously Cabrera has no clue whatsoever
where any of his terrible pitches might be going.
Colorado Rockies outfielder Jorge Piedra stands as baseball’s second
known steroid user. Piedra could still wind up being a respectable hitter
in the majors, seeing as how he’s a Rockie. Wait a second, he’s
a Rockie? And he uses performance-enhancing drugs? Anyone who both uses steroids
and plays in Coors Field should hit at least 200 homers in a full season.
It’s safe to say Piedra’s use was fairly surprising. It’s
also safe to say I don’t care.
Most experts knew it was only a matter of
time
before Brian Roberts established himself as one
of the game's premiere sluggers.
